Defending My Tweets Vol. 15

TwitterBird
What’s up.
I be tweetin’, yo. Sometimes 141 characters only scratches the surface of what i need to say. So, when that happens, I bring it here, to “defending my tweets”. Not so much defending them as I am explaining them but you get the idea. Let me get my rant on…it’s only fair.

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Slang is a funny, constantly evolving creature. It generally starts in the hood, gets picked up on by some local rappers, becomes a regional thing then, eventually, spreads across the country until midwestern white kids are saying it to their moms and it dies when a movie shows an old white lady saying “For shizzle my nizzle!” for a cheap laugh.
Before the internet, slang was extremely regional. East coast people and west coast people had entirely different dialects. I remember , going out west when I was 16 and hearing “Hella” for the first time. I was like “What the fuck are these backwood rubes even talking about?”. Out east, we said “mad”. As in, “This soup has mad flavor”. We said things like “dope” or if it was cold it was “brick”. People weren’t “mark ass busters” they were “Herbs”. Hearing the local dialect of the bay area was a mind fuck for me. Every now and then, someone would come from that side of the country to NYC and probably have the same experience. I suppose, without the internet to clue us all in, the slang of other provinces was a total mystery.
Well, clearly, things have changed. Much like everything else under the sun, language has become homogenized. The same way everyone dresses the same, they all speak the same. I hear brooklyn natives say “hella” now. It makes my skin crawl but it’s a reality. The funny thing is, slang tends to follow whatever geographic location is most thriving musically. So, the east and west coast have taken a back seat to the south. For the first time, the south is dictating what slang the entire US is adopting. And, i gotta say, they are fucking prolific with the lingo.
In the case of “Turn up” or “Turnt”, it’s no longer a big deal. It’s still a part of the everyday lexicon for many but it’s not the new kid on the block. The midwestern whites have gotten a hold of it and I’m sure there is a movie with Betty White coming soon where she will finally put that phrase to bed forever.
In the case of this tweet, it was more about the misuse of slang. Much like the way people use “literally” or “epic” wrong, watching 3 fat white dudes with neckbeards buying 4 loko’s in a 7-11 a while back, talking about “we about to turn up!” , it just seemed to go against the spirit of the word. I dunno…to me , “turning up” should mean a real party. not 3 guys on a couch getting drunk and checking their phones every 45 seconds. That sounds pretty turned down, if you ask me.

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This is a case where i tweeted this knowing what i would be getting in response. I knew a portion of the people would get my intention. You know, a joke.
But, I also knew that comment section on my facebook wall would be littered with “sure fire hangover cures” cause EVERYONE has one. Well, guess what? Your cure is bullshit. Sure, some thing may lessen the pain but there is nothing that makes the feeling go away altogether. it’s like a common cold. You gotta just see it through. “Oh well, I drink a mixture of bitters and tumeric and a soft boiled egg…i feel as good as new!” Shut the fuck up. Listen, if a cure existed, it would be sold in every store on earth and the person who invented it would have enough money to buy apple. You can temper elements of a hangover, sure. Headache? Aspirin helps. Dehydration? Drink some water or pedialyte. Exhaustion? Take a nap. All these things help, but none fix it.
Then there are the smarmy dickheads who respond with “Well, just don’t drink!”. Well, who invited you into this conversation? That like telling someone who just got their heart broken “Well, just don’t fall in love!”.
On the other end of the spectrum, there are the destructive people who advise to simply keep drinking. That’s great and all but you can’t out run a hangover forever. Sure, it may not be bad after one beer but, rest assured, it will find you and make you pay. especially if you’re on a bender. Best case scenario for a real bender? You die before you wake up and don’t have to face the repercussions of your partying.
Listen, to me, drinking is fun. being drunk with friends or whatever…it’s what I’m willing to exchange to feel like shit the next day. The second that first drink is in the bank and I’m ordering another, I’m basically signing a contract that reads “Tomorrow will suck so enjoy today”. I can live with that. Just don’t try and sell me on your magic potion that makes the hangover go away cause it doesn’t exist and you’re lying to yourself. *cue hangover cures in the comment section from people who are liars*

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I feel as though every day people don’t know of this struggle. If you work in an office or anywhere that doesn’t revolve around rap music, this will be a foreign concept to you. As someone who makes beats and tours, I come across all sorts of rappers. Hopefully, they’re people I know and respect. Sometimes,i’m not so lucky. When I do shows, there’s usually at least one guy who seeks me out and wants to rap for me. This is a disaster on a few levels.
1)No thanks
2)I’m not a record label and cannot help anyones career
3)Please stop, we’re in public.
4)Your breath, dude
5)It’s loud in here. i can’t hear you anyway
There are few sentences I’d rather hear less than “Yo, mind if I spit you something real quick?”. It’s right behind “You ARE the father!” and “The test came back positive”.
The thing about the person that does this is that they are harmless yet clearly socially inept. They’re not trying to ruin my day. They just love to rap and want to share that love with me. Thing is, there’s a time and place for that. Cornering me at my merch booth at my own show and spitting into my ear is not the move. Even if the kid is good (they never are), what’s the end game? i give you my number and we make an album together? No. The fact you rap raped me at my own show will immediately make me never wanna work with you. I used to be too nice and just let it happen but in the last few years, I’ve tightened the screws and shut it down when it’s offered. for the most part, the budding rappers have understood.
But you people who feel the need to talk about your dreams? Just fuck off. Ain’t nobody trying to hear about your nocturnal imagination farts. Trust me.
I imagine, somewhere out there, there is a rapper who has written rhymes based on his dreams. I hope i never meet him though cause I’m really not trying to implode in public.

Let’s talk Tinder

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So, a few weeks ago, I joined Tinder. I am recently single but I’d be lying if I said my intention was to actually meet people on there. Tinder was always something I had heard about, as a guy in a relationship, that made me curious. I had been out of the game so long that , in the span of my relationship, internet dating had become not only acceptable but the thing to do. Sure, there was E-harmony and Match.com back when I was single but , with Tinder, it seemed like the walls of dating sites had been broken down. Fuck all the match making and dating metrics, let’s judge a book by it’s cover. in my mind, it was Grindr for straight people. A place where low lives meet up, that’s slightly more respectable than craigslist intimate encounters at 5 am. Well, clearly, i was mistaken. Perhaps there was a time when Tinder was the meat market it was meant to be but those days are long gone. That said, seeing that I’m more on it for the social experiment aspect of it than then “having sex with strangers” aspect, it’s been a lot of fun. I’ve learned a lot. I figured it might be fun to tell you all what i’ve learned from Tinder….In list form! Also, just to be clear, this is just what I’ve seen as a guy. I’m sure what females see is truly fucking awful. For that reason, I plan on getting that perspective for a future installment. Stay tuned…

1)Women ,apparently, LOVE whiskey
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I will say that , in about 4 out of every 10 profiles I check out, there is a girl bragging about how much she loves whiskey. Now, i know some girls in real life that enjoy a whiskey but it’s definitely not a point of introduction for any of them. This leads me to think that the women writing that they love whiskey are doing so as to put forth an image. An image of a girl who can hang with the BOYZ! On some “Oh, you prefer whiskey to a cosmo?!?! you must be the coolest fucking person on earth!”
Again, I have no issue with ladies enjoying whiskey, I just think it’s a weird trait to single out. It would be like promoting that you love a good steak or know how to fist fight. That’s cool and all but leading with that kinda thing as a defining characteristic is a little odd to me.

2)Transexuals look good these days
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I swear to god and satan, the amount of times I’ve clicked on a pic to get a better look , to find out it’s a transexual is crazy. These ladies really put themselves together. Granted, once I realize there’s a second penis involved i don’t look much deeper but props to them for looking that good and also for being honest. A large portion of these trans ladies could easily fool most guys on tinder. Granted, that could result in harm on their person if they do it to the wrong guy but still, the honesty is refreshing.

3)People who write “No hook ups!” on tinder are fucking boring
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Listen, this isn’t a real dating site. I mean, it is…but it’s the one where you judge people 100% off of their looks.Tinder is shallow on purpose. To sign up and be legitimately looking for a soul mate isn’t crazy, but it’s short sided. I understand the need to weed out the creeps only looking for sex on sight (as , I’m sure tinder is about 85% that, in terms of dudes) but the overtures towards meeting the love of your life on tinder are kinda ridiculous. I’m sure it can happen. I’m sure plenty of people met the love of their life on tinder. The same way plenty of people have met the love of their life drunk at a bar. I have a friend who’s been married for 12 years who met his wife as a one night stand. When he woke up, he didn’t remember her name. They’ve been together ever since. I’m just saying, setting up limits for yourself seems to defeat the purpose and, once again, this is Tinder. One of the lower forms of dating sites. I see that “No hook ups” I swipe left cause, clearly, you’re doing it wrong. Never forget…on tinder. It’s never THAT serious.

4)I am a type
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This has probably been the most sobering realization for me. I swipe all sorts of girls. various races, sizes, hair colors. I don’t discriminate at all. Not to say I’m not selective , cause i am. But the matches I get have really clarified my target audience. That audience? Brown haired white girls. That’s it. occasionally a latina girl with sneak in there but, in general, that’s who swipes back at me. No blonde girls. No black girls. No asian girls. Just brown haired girls. I mean, I love me some brunettes and all but what the fuck? I need to start working out or something. Maybe wearing a suit all the time? Who knows…

5)The longer the profile, the less I care.
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I got lots of respect for girls who don’t write a word in their profile. Mystery is good.
On the other side of things, we got girls who think a tinder profile is there chance to work on that novella they’ve been thinking about. Whether it’s faux deep quotes from famous people or a 4 paragraph synopsis of them as a person, it’s never interesting and it never doesn’t seem like some vapid assholes yearbook page. I have no issue with ones that are bullet points, cause that’s direct. But once they get into writing prose? I mentally check out in a way only known by those monks who meditate for weeks on end.

6)Pets are deal breaker
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Now, it’s a known fact that I loath cats. That said, I don’t think a cat is a deal breaker. I mean, I’m allergic to them but it can be worked around. However, for some people, the first thing they write is that you must love cats or dogs. They often write this before they even admit to having a child or not. Pets are serious business!

You know what, on second thought, I think having a cat might actually be a deal breaker for me. Not as much as the girl having kids, but close.

7)People don’t know how to pick pictures
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So many demented smiles. So many pics of the same two or more girls together so you have no clue who’s profile you’re looking at (here’s a hint it’s always the wackest looking one), so many pics of people making the exact same face , over and over until you question if the person is, in fact, a wax statue. I feel as though , with tinder pics, you can go one of two ways
a)put your best foot forward
b)be a little wacky
Doing “a” means putting a pic that looks like you but is flattering. I feel as though this is the obvious choice and it leads me to believe that a lot of people don’t realize how cracked out they look when they smile. This is where your friends should step in a maybe pick a picture for you.
If you do “b”, you’re very likely eliminating a huge portion of people who might swipe right but, then again, maybe you don’t want those shallow people liking you in the first place.
Also, it’s nice to see the old myspace camera trick of taking a pic from above that makes you look 70 pounds lighter is still in effect. I missed that.

8)no love in the dm’s
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I haven’t really gone to hard with conversing with any of my matches. A few here and there. But, when I have, I have noticed that there is no room for bullshit. You say one thing they deem boring and the convo stops. In fact, that’s literally how every exchange I’ve had has gone. We go back a forth like 4 or 5 times and they girls checks out. Granted, I can’t say I’ve been interesting or charming (this whole thing is still a work in progress for me) but, man…they speed in which you can get cut off is incredible. No wonder dudes start the conversations with overt sexual harassment. I guess they figure they’re gonna get shut down anyway so they might as well swing for the fences. Granted, those guys are pieces of shit but, you know, I kinda get it on some level.

9)The beauty of misguided self awareness
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In most profiles I read , a girl will refer to her dark sense of humor and how funny she is. Here’s a fun fact, no funny person has every promoted how funny they are. If you’re actually funny, you write funny things. That’s how that works. This isn’t just a female thing either, I’m sure guys do this just as much , if not more
I find this sort of baseless self promotion hilarious. To really believe it, I’mma need a few testimonials from acquaintances at the very least. Perhaps a picture of you in a clown suit? Something other than your word.

10)Tindering takes over your brain
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I’m not the first person to say this but, after being on tinder for a few days, it starts to transfer into real life. Walking down the street, swiping in my mind. It’s like the grand theft auto of dating sites.
A funny thing about it all is that, in person, I’m far less picky. When you see a real breathing human in front of you, their nuances come out. The subtle attractiveness peeks through. Looking at pictures, you only get a vague idea. Sure, someone may be photogenic but maybe they’re a hunchback or they have an awful laugh. It’s really a dice roll. For that reason alone, i can only take tinder so seriously. I suppose that’s more a defense mechanism but still…in the world of cyber “dating”, you gotta be somewhat careful on all fronts.

The Top 10 things people write that make me swipe left
1) I belong to the lord
2)No hook ups
3)I have a penis
4)i have kids
5)a poem of some sort
6)when they give a checklist of what kind of guy you need to be
7)anything “sex in the city” related
8)Looking for a sugar daddy
9)Must love cats
10)Looking for my knight in shining armor

Yay Or Nay? – Time? Astonishing! By L’Orange & Kool Keith

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I often like to test the interest in new projects by old rappers in this section. This week, we have a little “old meets new” situation as Kool Keith and producer L’Orange have come together to make an album called “Time? Astonishing!”. It features J-Live, Mr. Lif, Open Mike Eagle, and a few others.
There was a time when Kool Keith was the most prolific rapper not named Lil B I had ever seen. in the late 90’s , he was pumping out albums bi-yearly. Not all of them were great but he never made an all out dud. Since that era of crazy productivity, he’s become more human. He still put out music but it’s nowhere near the rate he used to. I won’t lie, I kinda stopped checking for Keith in the last 5 years. Not cause I think he fell off , more cause I just haven’t been paying attention. Every now and then, a new song would pop up, I’d peep it and think “Yup, he’s still doing it…” then I’d forget about. I think part of that dismissiveness had to do with his production choices. Keith has always been all over the map, with the types of beats he uses. From the heavy breaks and samples of “Dr.Octagon” to the more simplified synth based sounds of “Matthew”. So, when he drops something new, you don’t really know what to expect. Well, in the case of “Time? Astonishing!” , he teams up with producer L’Orange who is a guy that will make the Dr. Octagon fans very happy. He’s a sample based guy (Hooray!) whose sound lands somewhere between Madlib and The Automator.
If you’re a Kool Keith fan, this is possibly the album you’ve been waiting years for. If not, you’re probably not reading this part anyway. But , regardless, check it out


Now, tell me what you think. You can pick more than one answer, btw.

Answers for questions Vol. 249

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Hello there and welcome to another edition of “Answers for Questions”. You ask it, i answer it. Why? Cause why not?
if you’d like to be a great human being and participate, jump on in. Send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Have fun with it. Get weird.
Okay, here’s this weeks batch.

assuming you had to be shrunken and live in a little submarine (which can have all the comforts of home) inside someone who would you choose and why? What would be the biggest problems for you? whats the best place inside a person to live?

I would preferably chose to live in someone healthy. I’d imagine living in someone who is sick all the time or who has terrible habits (drugs, eating like shit) would result in my day to day being more of a struggle. So, maybe I’d choose a tibetan monk. Someone who lives a simple , healthy life. That way, if i feel like heading down towards the stomach I don’t have to deal with the backlash of them just eating wings and drinking 8 beers. That would probably feel like a hurricane.
As far as the best place to live, I’m assuming I’m alone in there so it doesn’t really matter. I mean, I guess living by the eyes would make sense so at least I’d have something to look out of. Otherwise, I’m just looking at blood and innards all day. I just feel like the further north you live in the human body, the better. The stomach and asshole area can’t be that pleasant.

did you ever go to Scribble Jam?

Yes i did! I believe I went in 2000 or 2001. For those who don’t know, Scribble Jam was a small hip hop festival that took place in Cincinatti. Mr Dibbs was one of the Organizers along with Kevin Beachem (I believe).
The one year I went, I drove up with some atom’s Family dudes (Alaska, Wind N’ Breeze ) as well as Despot. In fact, He and I shared a hotel room.
We got to the grounds and it was like 100 degrees outside. I’m not sure what happened but I stepped out the car and basically fainted. Maybe I hadn’t been hydrating. So, that whole day I was kinda fucked up. I just stayed in the shade , trying not to pass out again. It kinda sucked cause I was all amped to get drunk and party with all the rap people I had been connected with via the internet for years. The next day, I felt a little better and was able to be outside. I watched the battle. I believe Maclethal won. Some Def Jux people were there. Slug was too. I don’t really remember many details from it but it was fun.
When I got home, I still felt odd and it turned out I had a relapse of Mono. I didn’t even know that was possible but that’s what the doctor told me.

This is a curious question that I wonder about for ALL guys in general, so I might as well ask you:

When you’re in public, do you ever see girls who you think look like your favorite pornstars? Also, do you have any female friends who remind you of someone you watch in porn?

Hmm…I mean, I may see a girl who reminds me of a porn star I seen but it’s never like “OH MY GOD!”. it should also be noted that, no matter how fond of a porn star I am, there’s a very low ceiling to my excitement level when seeing a girl who kinda reminds me of her.
With friends, it’s even less. Every now and then I’ll see a porn star that vaguely reminds me of a friend but that’s about it. Depending on my relationship with that female friend, I may skip her altogether or enjoy the scene extra due to the similarities. You never know!

Yo! What’s up Tony? Long time reader first time asking but, I’m curious about how a relatively recent tour stop in Kiev went for you. Was it as bad as media coverage makes it out to be? Did anybody mention anything about what was going?

Kiev was actually totally cool. Everyone was really nice and it definitely didn’t look like a place where there was a major uprising recently. I actually stayed right by where the major protests happened and it was completely clean and peaceful.
I asked a few people about it and no one seemed to rattled by it. Maybe they were trying to make it seem better than it was but, I dunno…If i didn’t know what was going on there a year earlier, I would have never guessed it had happened, based on how it looked when I was there.

Which sandwiches don’t work well with mayo?
Ice cream sandwiches.
Chicken parm hero’s
Prosciutto based italian sandwiches
Muffaletta sandwiches
I’m sure there are more but that’s all that come mind.
In general, mayo is the fucking best when added to a sandwich.

If you had the opportunity to time travel and prevent a major and horrific tragedy (say one 1950 or prior) or event from occurring, would you? If time travel becomes possible, would we be morally obligated to help out the people of past, or do you think once an event occurs we’re under no obligation to change it, even if we can?

I suppose killing hitler is the easy answer here but I don’t know if i could realistically kill a person. I’m iffy about the whole concept cause of the ripple effect. Sure, it could make things better but it could also cause all sort of other bullshit to spring off. On a selfish level, it could somehow result in me not being born. After all, my dad was in WWII and if that changed, I might not be around. I’m not a person who messes with things like that. I’m not a “rock the boat” type. I’d rather just mind my own business.
i think, if the technology existed and we started try to fix every bad thing that happened, it would become mayhem. We’d eventually be trying to fix everything. Peoples personal agendas would pop up and all of a sudden our whole history would be haywire and , most likely, the things we’d be fixing would be based on the whims of rich people. After all, who controls this sort of thing? The government? Yeah right.
The whole concept of going back in time to fix things is good on paper but, in reality, it would be a shit show of epic proportions.
Sometimes we just have to live with tragedies and mistakes. Sure, going back in time to tell people to not get on a plane that will crash is one thing but stuff on a larger , global scale? It’s just not that simple.

This week in ridiculous rap: Three Beat Slide

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I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m late to the game when it comes to “Skip Skip Slide”. I’m also completely unaware of what is going on with it. Is it real? Is it a joke? Is it music for kids? Is it high art? Honestly, it could be all those things cause I truly have no clue what the fuck is going on.  I’m gonna look at it two possible ways.
First let’s watch it…

Theory #1: It’s a joke
Now if this is a joke, these kids are amazing. I don’t even know what they’re parodying or if they’re even parodying anything at all but the end result is more fucked up than the movie “Happiness”. From the music itself, that seems to go out of its way to be without an actual rhythm so the raps that have no choice to be off beat , due to the music that has no rhythm. I think the music itself is the best case for this being a joke. I mean, who on earth would make that track and be like “We should make a song to this!”? It just doesn’t seem plausible. It might as well be free jazz. Outside of that, I can’t really call it.
I will say, if this is indeed a joke, these kids are the future of comedy and should have their own show on Adult Swim. Fuck it, if this is a joke, they should play their work in a museum. It’s that good.

Theory #2: This is totally real
Okay, let’s ignore the music itself and look at what’s going on in the video. This is music seemingly made for small children. It could very well be made by some completely out of it christian group who’s never heard music before. That’s possible.
Looking at the video, we have a teen boy who looks he’s related to the murderer from the movie “Manhunter“. This kid has been friendzoned into oblivion by his five female buddies. Like, in all reality, he’s in love with at least 3 of them and they probably think he’s a eunuch. That’s pretty rough. Then we got this whole tickling angle. A clear ploy for billy the friendzoned kid to cop feels in a subtle way. I bet the feeling of his tickling fingers grazing against those girls forearms is masturbation fuel for the next 15 years of his life. But, let’s not forget, this song is for kids and the video is 100% made to be non-sexual.
Another thing I can’t ignore is the saxophone guy. An older gentleman who’s very likely the leader of the whole cult who made this. Perhaps that creep is responsible for the music itself. It can only have been made in a dungeon of some sort. There’s no way sunlight was present during the making of this song. I gotta think, he’s the ringmaster to this circus and his intentions are pure evil. He seems like the type who carries a bible around everywhere but will also put his hand on the knee of a young teen for an inappropriate amount of time. In fact, the chorus of this entire song could be a veiled explanation of his method of seduction.
Walk walk walk (to my van)
Skip Skip Skip (to my basement)
Tickle….YEAH!
It’s all so clear.

And, to add to the darkness, this other video of theirs really drives home my worst fears. Satan is real.

So, yeah…I really hope theory 1 is right cause, if it isn’t ,someone needs to alert the authorities immediately. Surely, those five girls are probably missing and that kid has already done something he never thought he was capable of. It’s all so very dark.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 47

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Hi there. Welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. I’m not licensed to drive a car, let alone give advice, but I do have a knack for being honest. I can, at the very least, give you a different perspective from your shithead friends, who are probably just telling you what you want to hear. So, if you’re having trouble in life, be it love or other, lemme help you. It’s anonymous and what’s the worst thing that could happen? If my advice sucks, ignore it and it will be like nothing every happened.
Send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Let me help you by helping me (with future blog content).
Let’s check in on this weeks patients.

Hey Dr. Tony

So me and my bestfriend/cousin made plans to go out yesterday. But before that, his sister asked him to help her with something that took like 3 hours so I had to wait for him outside.
After about 2 hours, he asked if I wanted to get inside and wait until he was done (it was pretty cold outside) but I said that I didn’t want to because it wasn’t so cold (didn’t want to wait inside because it would feel too awkward, unfortunately I’m an introvert so I hate situations like that).
While I was waiting outside, I slowly lost my motivation to go out to the point that I just wanted to go home (keep in mind that we live in a small town and if we went out, there would be a 30% chance of us finding something fun to do & 5% chance of us finding girls that wants to chill with us)

When he was finally done, I told him that I was tired and that I wanted to go home instead, He couldn’t take that so he told me to find some girls that we could hang out with. So I called a friend that was out with her girlfriends in a local pub and she told us to come over but we didn’t have enough money to pay to get inside so his idea instead was to stand outside the pub/bar and try to get them out. I had my doubts about that idea + I knew that it would be a waste because nothing exciting would really happen and I just wanted to go out so I can meet some girls and have fun.
So he made me choose between going out or not and I chose not. He got mad and said “we’ll go to my place then” and I said that I just wanted to go home and he couldn’t accept that so he said I was being childish. Then he said if I don’t go home with him he wouldn’t talk to me anymore & I told him that I just want to go home. So he got mad and said that he doesn’t want me to talk to him anymore and then he went home.

I feel like I didn’t do anything wrong but who do you think is wrong here, me or him? And what do you think I should do?

PS:
I really don’t have any other real friends that I hang with (besides him & 2 others that I got to know through him) because I feel really awkward and weird if I were to ask someone else if they wanna do something, (I’m actually really nice and a fun guy to be with).

Are you guys like 14 years old? This seems like a non-issue. Sounds like your cousin was being both selfish (who makes someone wait for 3 fucking hours in the cold?) and temperamental. I think you waiting 3 hours for him is reason enough to wanna pack it in for the night (It also makes you sound like a complete weirdo, by the way). It sounds like he had his mind set on going out and wasn’t trying to hear anything else. Been there. Sometimes you need the release. But , still, this can’t be that serious.
If he’s the one with other friends, why are YOU calling the girls and where are his other boys? It all doesn’t make sense to me.
I’ve certainly been in your shoes before, where a night as kinda worn itself out before it even started but you feel obligated to stick it out. Those kinda nights rarely end up anywhere and going home early shouldn’t be that big a deal.
Whatever the case, this is the kinda thing that should blow over. Without even conversing about it. It’s stupid and childish. If your cousin can’t forgive you for not wanting to go out one night, he’s an asshole and you’re better off with no friends than dipshits like him.
All that said, I’m doubting your “I’m a fun guy” claim a little bit. Just saying…

Hi Dr. Tony

I’ll apologize in advance for the long, depressing, conflicted and confusing mail but I really don’t have anyone else to talk to about this but here goes:

Well I have a problem that’s ruining my life and well my happiness too. When I was in high school (I graduated last year, I’m from Sweden, big fan of yours), I was studying theaters among 4 other people because I’ve always loved it since I was a kid and I’ve always wanted to be in plays/on tv/movies and I also feel that I have some potential.

When we used to set up plays in my school, I always got the lead roles and alot of people who watched our plays used to come up to me and tell me that I’m very funny and a good actor, which boosted my confidence alot (I have zero confidence) and made me feel like I could actually become a talented actor (I got more attention than my other classmates).
There was this time when I was in a very successful play that I was in during my high school days (people thought I made it very funny). Some pretty girls came up to me 1 year later after that play and said that I was really good and really funny, which made me way to happy.

I wanted to study theater in college so I could fulfill my dream of becoming an well respected and wanted actor (even though I know it’s hard but I still feel like I’ve got potential if I practice really really hard).
So when I told my parents about this (they are really strict and religious), they got really mad. My father scolded me about this real hard and said that there’s no future in being an actor (even though in Sweden, alot of people watch plays because it’s pretty popular) and that everything is getting more expensive and that I have to get a proper job so I can make money. He even said that I’m a bad actor and that everyone that said I was good just lied to me (even though he never saw any of my plays)…

So I had to look for something else and I ended up choosing to study to become a preschool teacher because there wasnt many other options if you’ve studied theaters in high school. It’s more complicated than people think it is because it’s alot of psychology studies and other stuff.
Frankly, the studies are mentally killing me (litterally) and I’ve become alot more depressed than I was before and my anxiety has grown too. Nobody notices all of this because I hide it too well.
I’ve even started to hurt myself (my body is to sensitive so I hate feeling pain but sometimes I get so mad, depressed and disappointed in myself that I just hit myself, even wanna kill myself). I just can’t take it anymore! Only thing that’s keeping me from killing myself is that my religion (Islam) prohibits suicide (i’d end up in hell, heard it’s a really bad place youknow).

I really wanna dropout but my parents would get really mad (I’m afraid they would beat me or something like that) and I’ve made some great friends in (I’ve even become good friends with a possible girlfriend who’s in my class and I’ve never even had a girlfriend before)…

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I pretty sure if I stay like this, I will end up killing myself.
I just want to do what I know i’m good at and be happy, is that really too much to ask? I’ve been depressed for about 4-5 years now and I hate feeling like I cant do certain stuff you know?

Again, I’m sorry for the long mail but I hope you can help me anyway you can!! 🙂

Damn dude. It would be real easy for me to sit here and tell you “Fuck your parents! Pursue your dreams!” but , obviously, this is far more complicated then that. Between the religion, the insecurity and the depression there is so much working here that it’s certainly not something I (or anyone who’s not a professional) can really help you with.
In a perfect world, you would pursue acting. Granted, becoming a professional actor is rare. So, even if you pursue is, there chances of being successful would be very low. That said, you should have the right to do that if you so desire. The problem is your parents are old fashioned. They’re stuck in mindset that will simply not allow that, if you want to remain in their good graces. It’s a really shitty situation and one that transcends religion and culture.
If I were you, i would seek professional help. The self harm and suicidal thoughts are more than enough reason to look into that. I suppose, you just have to find a way to talk your parents into setting that up. Does islam allow for that? i honestly don’t know. Wouldn’t be shocked if it didn’t. But, clearly, you need to talk to a professional about this. It’s bigger than just you not getting to act in plays. This kinda thing stems back deep and generally needs to be worked out over the course of years and years. Good luck.

Doctor Tony,
I am 29 and live in colorado. I have not had a girlfriend since high school. Recently, my mom asked me if I planned to spend another summer single and that I need to put more effort into finding someone to date. She sounded borderline upset. I can’t blame her too much. She probably wants the best for me. I will admit I am getting older and many people my age are already married and have kids. I am into the idea of pursuing a girlfriend but it is not very high on my priority list for some reason. I went on one date last week and the girl seemed interested so there could be potential there.

Problem is, I work like 30 hours a week and when I am not working I just want to pursue my hobbies. I play electric and upright bass in some bands and make beats. As you know, playing music is fun and fulfilling but it consumes a lot of time. When I am not doing something musical, all I want to do is mountain bike or ski. When I am not working, playing music, mountain biking or skiing I just want to chill out and smoke some weed with the little free time I have. What do you suggest I do here ? Is my mom right ?
Do I need to make some changes to include a romantic relationship in my life ? Should I continue on the same path? Thanks for the advice.

Hey dude, 30 hours a week isn’t even a full work week. I realize it’s comical for me, a guy with no real job, to point that out but I know plenty of people who find time to socialize who work 60 hour work weeks. So, you know, that excuse is off the table.
I’m gonna be totally honest and say it doesn’t sound like you’re that interested in a girlfriend. Not having a girlfriend for 11 years is a little bit odd but it happens. Not desiring a girlfriend for 11 years…that’s a red flag of some sort. I’m not saying this in a dickish way but perhaps you’re simply not into girls? You sound pretty asexual to me. Most single men, especially ones your age, are at least angling to find someone. Be it just for a hook up or for something more serious. The fact you seemingly have zero interest is telling. You sound like someone who’s been castrated but, on the bright side, you have a ton of interests.
Listen, your mom wants you to have companionship cause she’s your mom. She wants you to be happy. She also probably wants grandkids and is secretly hoping you’re not gay. Like I said, she’s your mom. It’s what they do. But, this is your life. You can do whatever the fuck you want. If you don’t feel urgency from inside you to find someone to be with, then it’s not there. Forcing it won’t help. in fact, I’d argue forcing it would actually result in a bad relationship. You can’t live your life to fulfill the expectations of others.
Basically, you’re free to do whatever you want. If staying active and alone is what you enjoy, then do that. You’re already killing the game at your 30 hour a week job so why not live the life you wanna live?
Side note, nothing wrong if you’re , in fact, gay. You might wanna explore that possibility as well cause I get the feeling girls don’t really do much for you.

Yay or Nay: Trouble Knows me

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Earlier this year I did a post about two different versions of a Future Islands song. While admittedly out of the new music loop (especially for non-hip hop) I was enamored with The Future islands. Part of that post was pointing out that the singer, Sam Herring, was also a part time rapper. From what I could find on the internet, it seemed to be more of a hobby than a job. Little did I know how serious he was.
Well, turns out Sam AKA Hemlock Ernst is actually tied in with some talented people in the rap world. He’s doing an EP with Madlib under the name “Trouble Knows me”. They just leaked a first song and…well, it’s pretty fucking good. It’s a mix of styles that probably shouldn’t work as well as it does.
At least I think so. I’m curious what you think.

What do you think?

Answers For Questions Vol. 248

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Hi there! Welcome to another thrilling week of “Answers for Questions”. Will the roller coaster even end?
Anyway, if you’d like to ask me stuff, please do! Send me questions to Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave the questions in the comment section. Be creative. Be weird. Be curious. I’m open to anything.
Let’s check this weeks batch.

you seem like a pretty easy-going guy, were your parents like this?

I think I share a similar disposition as my mother. She’s fairly laid back. Not very confrontational. My dad was an artist and also about 75% deaf my entire life so it’s hard to say if he was easy going or just in his own world. Neither of my parents are/were hotheads though and that vibe definitely carried over to me.

I’ve been a kanye fan for a while now. He’s definitely not in my top five or even top ten for that matter, but I have respect for him as a producer and mc. I read an article recently on how he’s a genius and he completely changed the game. Personally I think people that agree with this statement haven’t heard good fucking hip hop. So I’m asking, what are your thoughts on kanye?

I like Kanye. I think he’s a good producer and an underrated rapper. He has made some great albums but he’s also kinda pretentious and , seemingly, a total ego maniac. I do not think he’s a genius. I believe he thinks he’s a genius though.
To me, he’s a guy with good taste and his ear to the ground. He doesn’t even really make his own beats anymore. I think he’s taken a more Quincy Jones/Dr Dre approach to producing. He’s surrounded himself with people in the know, much like many other huge pop stars who manage to stay relevant. So, as of now, one of his best qualities is knowing who to take cues from. That said, When he did make beats, he was a very good sample based guy. Right in my wheelhouse.
I think a thing that bothers me about him is that , if you’re gonna go around telling people you’re a genius and the king of music, you gotta back it up. sure, hits will back up that claim on some level but, as a rapper, the dude is just not that deep. And, to repeat, I like his rapping. But if you’re gonna rap about cars money and whores all day long I don’t know if I can give you that “genius” title. Unless he’s a genius of simplicity.
To be honest, i think the word “genius” gets thrown around and it really applies to very few musicians ever. Stevie Wonder was a genius. James Brown was a genius. Kanye is just a dude who’s really good at what he does.

How much is your mood affected when you’re out somewhere and your phone runs out of battery? (Not when you’re at an airport but when you’re in New York
I go through a few stages.
1)panic as my phone runs out
2)Worry that I’m going to miss an important text/call
3)acceptance that I gotta just deal with it
4)Relief that I’m disconnected for a while. Sure, if I see a chance to charge it, I’ll jump on it but there is something kinda nice about not having to check my phone all the time. I’m fully addicted to my phone so it’s kinda like a weight being released when my phone does die. It’s stressful if I actually need to do things or reach out to people but if I’m in a place where it’s not needed, it actually can be kinda relaxing (once the terror has fully washed over me).

As far as music you listen to; what are your guilty pleasures? What is the worst music you enjoy?
I don’t know if I believe in guilty pleasures. Cause that means you acknowledge what you enjoy is shitty. I mean, I could say the new Drake album is a guilty pleasure but, fuck that…it’s really good. Or I could point to some weird 80’s music from my youth but I don’t have shame about that. I’ve been on an 80’s r&b kick lately and I feel great about that. But, it’s not like I sit alone in a room .with headphones on, bumping Tiesto and cutting myself out of shame. That would make me feel really guilty. Luckily, that will never be a reality.

So I recently picked up the “Cut to the Chase” album on vinyl and for the record this is a fantastic album that I feel like everyone needs to listen to. Your tracks are obviously excellent standouts and Chase Phoenix continues to kill it on every track.

I am curious, and you may have covered this in previous posts, but, what is going with CP these days? Has there been anything released since “Cut to the Chase?” Will we be getting more, anytime soon? As I personally would love to hear some more jams.

For those who don’t know, Chase Phoenix is a rapper and one of my oldest friends. He put an album out called “Cut to the chase” in 2003 that I did a bunch of beats on. Songs like this and this
Anyway, He and I are still friends and he still does music here and there. Most recently he was in a group called Monday Morning high. I haven’t worked with him in years though. No reason really. We’re both pretty busy.

Have you ever seen other people having sex? Porn doesn’t count
Uh…yeah. So many times. I’ve seen people fucking in cars. I’ve seen people fucking on the beach. I’ve seen people fucking through their windows in apartment buildings. I’ve seen friends have sex. I’ve even seen two homeless people having sex in my buildings vestibule when I was a kid.
I’d say the most common thing I’ve seen is dudes hooking up on my block where I grew up. I lived on a street where there was a one block stretch that seemed to be a place where male prostitutes would do their business. Many a late night I have walked home, with the sun rising, to see a dude blowing another guy on a stoop. One time I saw a guy giving another guy a hand job and all I could think of was “Why do people give hand jobs?”.
I used to work at this bakery and I had to get there at 6 am some days to work. My walk there meant passing down this backstreet. I’d say I would see some sort of gay sexual act popping off about 40% of the time. So, yeah…I’ve seen some shit.

On a scale from 1-10…

How much of a hypochondriac are you?

How much of a gossip are you?

How superficial do you think you are with women?

Hypochondriac- 5
I’m very aware of my body and when something is wrong, I address it quickly but I also don’t sit around thinking I’m dying or that I have a rare disease.

Gossip- 9
I’m the worst. Thing is, I do live by a code of gossip. If someone specifically tells me to not tell anyone, I will abide. However, if you tell me some shit and don’t clarify that, you may as well put it on gawker cause I’m telling EVERYONE. Assuming it’s juicy and/or funny, that is.

Superficial with women- in terms of who I would have sex with? 8
In terms of just hanging and being a normal human being? 2
I’m not a guy who will fuck anyone. I have standards and personal taste. I think it would be weird to not be superficial about who you’re attracted to on some level. It’s not like i meet a girl who I’m 100% not attracted to and then, over time, I decide I am attracted to her cause she’s so cool. I’d simply be friends with that girl instead. Attraction to people can grow and diminish over time but it never comes from nowhere. At least, not with me.

Demo Reviews Vol. 70

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Hi there. welcome to another edition of “demo reviews”. You sent them, so i will give you my honest opinion. If you would live to submit a demo, I’m keeping the doors open. But first, you MUST READ THIS. It’s the rules for submitting and they need to be followed closely.
Anyway, the reviews work like so: I listen to your song, write a paragraph or two about it , then arbitrarily rate it from 1-10 in these categories
Production
Vocals
Listenability
Originality

that’s about it. Good luck and godspeed!

Artist: Jay-Free
Song: In this bitch

You know, when I started doing demo reviews, this is the kinda song i expected on a regular basis. Sadly, I haven’t gotten many. It’s terrible but kinda lovable. He’s pretty funny but he can’t rap at all on serious level and the beat is total trash. Still, there is something about this that makes me smile.
Production:3 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality: 3.5 out of 10

Artist:Tyme MC
Song: Ghosts Feat. Gabriella Moxey


This rapper does that emo breathless style that I truly loath. Like he’s about to cry but, to hold it in, he’s breathing extra.
The main loop is kinda cool. The drums are barely there, though I think that’s on purpose.
The hook fits the mood. This kind of sad rap story song just bores me at this point. It’s not even badly done though. It’s just a type of song I tend to turn off after 8 bars.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Sporasia
Song: Waiting for you


Is it sad demo day? This is a slightly less refined version of the previous song. It’s very “demo” sounding. Everything about it, from the beat to the recording is very amateur.
This needs a ton of polish. The rapper has some potential but it feels like it’s a long way off.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist:Dope Knife
song: Dienasty


This song is polished. I like the beat. I’m not sure if that static sound is supposed to be in there but it’s kind of annoying. The rapping is nothing if not confidant. He has some good lines and some that made me wince. regardless, this is a nice departure from all the sad rap i’ve heard thus far today.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: TDYRX
Song: EnJ&Kush


The beat is dope. especially impressed with the rhodes layering. Definitely has an older vibe to it but I’m cool with that. The rapper is solid but his voice isn’t really great. It’s not bad either though, just kinda generic.
Overall, this is solid.
Production:6 out of 10
Vocals: 5 out of 10
Listenability: 5.5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Freedom A.D.
Song: DEXWAVE


Yeah this is not for me. This is bondage club background music. Made to confuse and annoy.
I got no time or taste for this kinda thing. Rest assured though, anyone who’s into this kind of thing has had crazy thing shoved in their asses.
Production:3 out of 10
Vocals:N/a
Listenability: 1 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist:Bed Head
song: Maiden China


First off, this is super quiet. Maybe turn your recording levels up, bro.
Outside of that, it’s like electronic jazz/fusion? Not sure what’s really going on. It’s not terrible, I just don’t really get what it’s trying to be. The drums are just kinda there. The instrumentation has some cool parts though. Too much meandering. It just seems kinda self involved.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: ENxVE
Song:003


Smooth piano loop for sure. Don’t like the drums but they don’t ruin it. The rapper is pretty good. He sounds like a throw back to the mid 90’s underground rap, which is both good and bad. Like, I legit could have heard this in 95 on the stretch and bobbito show when they played demos. And I woulda liked it then. 20 years later? it’s good but nothing I haven’t heard before.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals: 5.5 out of 10
Listenability: 5.5 out of 10
Originality: 3 out of 10

So, what do you think?

Preview Reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 12

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Hi there and welcome to a real time saver. Listen, tons of movies come out but who’s got the time to watch them all. Not me and certainly not you. So, to save us all time, i simply watch the trailers and review those. See, you can often read a book by it’s cover. So, let’s look at these movies I have not seen and let my sweeping generalizations do the talking.

Ant-Man

Here’s the thing, I love Paul Rudd. I haven’t seen all his movies but I’ve seen most of them. He’s never been bad in anything. He’s pulled off roles that 99% of other actors wouldn’t made completely corny and somehow made himself likable to both men and women. It’s something you can’t really say about most actors So, I ride hard for Rudd. That said, I’m not a superhero movie guy. I mean, I can enjoy them on some level but I don’t REALLY care. Maybe I’m too old for that shit or maybe I just I stopped giving a fuck about that kinda thing when I shit my spiderman underoos at age 3. Only a shrink can tell you.
What I do know is that Marvel movies be makin’ money. Every time. Partially cause they own the rights to all to good superheroes. And then there is “Ant-man”. Now, I was never a comic book guy so I have no idea about the backstory of “Ant-man”. I’m sure it existed but, on what plane? I think it’s safe to say that Marvel is digging into the deep cuts with this one. This would be like if Miley Cyrus made an album and released a minimal ambient death core track with no singing on it as her first single.
Thing is, I know Rudd will be good in this. He always is. But Ant-man? Ohhhh, he shrinks and gets strong! He fights blood cells! Can he cure AIDS? I don’t even know. Meanwhile, a real Aquaman movie is still sitting on the shelf somewhere. Probably cause it sucks.

Paper Towns

This is a subtle new genre of movies about a dorky guy and the out of his league love interest who finally cross paths. The girl is basically like yoda with lipgloss. She’s seen things, man! She’s lived! She dated a few college guys so , you know, she can learn you a thing or two about life. MAybe her dad was a drunk, I dunno. But whatever has happened to her , thus far in life, has made her tough and deep.
Keep in mind, these are both teenagers and , if I know nothing else, it’s that teenagers don’t know shit about anything. Even ones who have been through some heavy shit. It’s not their fault, they’re young.
Now, I didn’t see “The fault in our stars” either cause I’m a grown male but it seemed to carry a similar theme. Young girl teaches sheltered young boy about life. This is basically that, minus the cancer. Possibly more hi-jinx. I dunno. That’s a guess. Don’t hold me to the Hi-jinx promise. At the very least, a story of personal growth that involves a mystery and a road trip.
I’m not the target audience for this movie but I’m pretty sure teenaged me would wiped my ass with it as well. I suppose teenaged me knew a lot.

Ricki and the Flash

Ooof…Damn Meryl. You’re fucking Meryl Streep. You don’t have to do the “Life long rocker gets a soul” movie. you’re better than that. At first glance I thought they made a Melissa Ethridge biopic. This seems to be something that a few aging actors have tried. A movie where they play a delusional but devoted old rocker. They can’t give up the dream, man! I believe there’s even a TV show starring Denis Leary about to air about the exact same thing.
Much like Paul Rudd, Meryl Streep is always good. Granted, the movies she tends to be in are far out of my wheelhouse but I can’t front on her talent. I didn’t see “Into the woods” but, sure, I bet she kills it. So, i don’t doubt she’s gonna be as good as this movie allows her to be. It’s just, i dunno…This just looks corny to me. Not in a typical “hollywood movies are corny” kinda way. It seems poorly written and contrived. Which would be fine if it starred Mary Steenburgen as Ricki but this is a Meryl Streep movie. Surely she read the script?
This all begs the question, did Meryl Streep owe someone a favor? Perhaps she’s in debt? I dunno…someone needs to check in on her though cause I think she may be in danger. She made a lifetime channel movie. It sounds pretty serious. My prayers are with her.

White People

FINALLY! A movie I can relate to as a white male!
Wow…this movie, man. Umm…I don’t even know what to say. I actually really wanna see it cause there’s no way it’s not going to be both hilarious and wildly awkward. White people are a funny group. We somehow find a balance of guilt and entitlement that translates to many of us having no perception of how good we have it, in the larger scheme of things. I’m sure this movie tackles that. My hope is that it tackles that in a way that will make me deeply belly laugh as undergrads fumble their way though explaining why being white is alright to a room for of minorities who think they’re full of shit. If that’s what this movie is about, it could very well be the best thing ever.
The dude who seems to be interviewing everyone could, in fact, be the greatest troll of all time. He probably understands that making white people explain themselves , on a racial level, is gold. While it looks like team building workshop gone terribly wrong, if I get to see a bunch of midwestern teenagers cry cause they feel guilty for being white, it will be all worth it.
That said, this is a movie made for MTV. So, in reality, it will be a farce and totally let me down. There will be hugging at the end and , when it’s all said and done, it will have cured racism. Thanks MTV! I knew you could do it! Now, put back on some pregnant teens and let’s get serious.
Also, for a good laugh, check out the youtube comments on this one. Some real winners in there.