Preview Reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 12


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Hi there and welcome to a real time saver. Listen, tons of movies come out but who’s got the time to watch them all. Not me and certainly not you. So, to save us all time, i simply watch the trailers and review those. See, you can often read a book by it’s cover. So, let’s look at these movies I have not seen and let my sweeping generalizations do the talking.

Ant-Man

Here’s the thing, I love Paul Rudd. I haven’t seen all his movies but I’ve seen most of them. He’s never been bad in anything. He’s pulled off roles that 99% of other actors wouldn’t made completely corny and somehow made himself likable to both men and women. It’s something you can’t really say about most actors So, I ride hard for Rudd. That said, I’m not a superhero movie guy. I mean, I can enjoy them on some level but I don’t REALLY care. Maybe I’m too old for that shit or maybe I just I stopped giving a fuck about that kinda thing when I shit my spiderman underoos at age 3. Only a shrink can tell you.
What I do know is that Marvel movies be makin’ money. Every time. Partially cause they own the rights to all to good superheroes. And then there is “Ant-man”. Now, I was never a comic book guy so I have no idea about the backstory of “Ant-man”. I’m sure it existed but, on what plane? I think it’s safe to say that Marvel is digging into the deep cuts with this one. This would be like if Miley Cyrus made an album and released a minimal ambient death core track with no singing on it as her first single.
Thing is, I know Rudd will be good in this. He always is. But Ant-man? Ohhhh, he shrinks and gets strong! He fights blood cells! Can he cure AIDS? I don’t even know. Meanwhile, a real Aquaman movie is still sitting on the shelf somewhere. Probably cause it sucks.

Paper Towns

This is a subtle new genre of movies about a dorky guy and the out of his league love interest who finally cross paths. The girl is basically like yoda with lipgloss. She’s seen things, man! She’s lived! She dated a few college guys so , you know, she can learn you a thing or two about life. MAybe her dad was a drunk, I dunno. But whatever has happened to her , thus far in life, has made her tough and deep.
Keep in mind, these are both teenagers and , if I know nothing else, it’s that teenagers don’t know shit about anything. Even ones who have been through some heavy shit. It’s not their fault, they’re young.
Now, I didn’t see “The fault in our stars” either cause I’m a grown male but it seemed to carry a similar theme. Young girl teaches sheltered young boy about life. This is basically that, minus the cancer. Possibly more hi-jinx. I dunno. That’s a guess. Don’t hold me to the Hi-jinx promise. At the very least, a story of personal growth that involves a mystery and a road trip.
I’m not the target audience for this movie but I’m pretty sure teenaged me would wiped my ass with it as well. I suppose teenaged me knew a lot.

Ricki and the Flash

Ooof…Damn Meryl. You’re fucking Meryl Streep. You don’t have to do the “Life long rocker gets a soul” movie. you’re better than that. At first glance I thought they made a Melissa Ethridge biopic. This seems to be something that a few aging actors have tried. A movie where they play a delusional but devoted old rocker. They can’t give up the dream, man! I believe there’s even a TV show starring Denis Leary about to air about the exact same thing.
Much like Paul Rudd, Meryl Streep is always good. Granted, the movies she tends to be in are far out of my wheelhouse but I can’t front on her talent. I didn’t see “Into the woods” but, sure, I bet she kills it. So, i don’t doubt she’s gonna be as good as this movie allows her to be. It’s just, i dunno…This just looks corny to me. Not in a typical “hollywood movies are corny” kinda way. It seems poorly written and contrived. Which would be fine if it starred Mary Steenburgen as Ricki but this is a Meryl Streep movie. Surely she read the script?
This all begs the question, did Meryl Streep owe someone a favor? Perhaps she’s in debt? I dunno…someone needs to check in on her though cause I think she may be in danger. She made a lifetime channel movie. It sounds pretty serious. My prayers are with her.

White People

FINALLY! A movie I can relate to as a white male!
Wow…this movie, man. Umm…I don’t even know what to say. I actually really wanna see it cause there’s no way it’s not going to be both hilarious and wildly awkward. White people are a funny group. We somehow find a balance of guilt and entitlement that translates to many of us having no perception of how good we have it, in the larger scheme of things. I’m sure this movie tackles that. My hope is that it tackles that in a way that will make me deeply belly laugh as undergrads fumble their way though explaining why being white is alright to a room for of minorities who think they’re full of shit. If that’s what this movie is about, it could very well be the best thing ever.
The dude who seems to be interviewing everyone could, in fact, be the greatest troll of all time. He probably understands that making white people explain themselves , on a racial level, is gold. While it looks like team building workshop gone terribly wrong, if I get to see a bunch of midwestern teenagers cry cause they feel guilty for being white, it will be all worth it.
That said, this is a movie made for MTV. So, in reality, it will be a farce and totally let me down. There will be hugging at the end and , when it’s all said and done, it will have cured racism. Thanks MTV! I knew you could do it! Now, put back on some pregnant teens and let’s get serious.
Also, for a good laugh, check out the youtube comments on this one. Some real winners in there.

3 thoughts on “Preview Reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 12

  1. Not crazy about superhero movies in general but I’m actually excited about Ant-Man! Think I’m in the minority there. I think that ants are insanely interesting……. to read about only of course, cause there sure isn’t anyone who wants to hear me talk about them 😦 haha

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