So, a few weeks ago, I joined Tinder. I am recently single but I’d be lying if I said my intention was to actually meet people on there. Tinder was always something I had heard about, as a guy in a relationship, that made me curious. I had been out of the game so long that , in the span of my relationship, internet dating had become not only acceptable but the thing to do. Sure, there was E-harmony and Match.com back when I was single but , with Tinder, it seemed like the walls of dating sites had been broken down. Fuck all the match making and dating metrics, let’s judge a book by it’s cover. in my mind, it was Grindr for straight people. A place where low lives meet up, that’s slightly more respectable than craigslist intimate encounters at 5 am. Well, clearly, i was mistaken. Perhaps there was a time when Tinder was the meat market it was meant to be but those days are long gone. That said, seeing that I’m more on it for the social experiment aspect of it than then “having sex with strangers” aspect, it’s been a lot of fun. I’ve learned a lot. I figured it might be fun to tell you all what i’ve learned from Tinder….In list form! Also, just to be clear, this is just what I’ve seen as a guy. I’m sure what females see is truly fucking awful. For that reason, I plan on getting that perspective for a future installment. Stay tuned…

1)Women ,apparently, LOVE whiskey

I will say that , in about 4 out of every 10 profiles I check out, there is a girl bragging about how much she loves whiskey. Now, i know some girls in real life that enjoy a whiskey but it’s definitely not a point of introduction for any of them. This leads me to think that the women writing that they love whiskey are doing so as to put forth an image. An image of a girl who can hang with the BOYZ! On some “Oh, you prefer whiskey to a cosmo?!?! you must be the coolest fucking person on earth!”
Again, I have no issue with ladies enjoying whiskey, I just think it’s a weird trait to single out. It would be like promoting that you love a good steak or know how to fist fight. That’s cool and all but leading with that kinda thing as a defining characteristic is a little odd to me.

2)Transexuals look good these days

I swear to god and satan, the amount of times I’ve clicked on a pic to get a better look , to find out it’s a transexual is crazy. These ladies really put themselves together. Granted, once I realize there’s a second penis involved i don’t look much deeper but props to them for looking that good and also for being honest. A large portion of these trans ladies could easily fool most guys on tinder. Granted, that could result in harm on their person if they do it to the wrong guy but still, the honesty is refreshing.

3)People who write “No hook ups!” on tinder are fucking boring

Listen, this isn’t a real dating site. I mean, it is…but it’s the one where you judge people 100% off of their looks.Tinder is shallow on purpose. To sign up and be legitimately looking for a soul mate isn’t crazy, but it’s short sided. I understand the need to weed out the creeps only looking for sex on sight (as , I’m sure tinder is about 85% that, in terms of dudes) but the overtures towards meeting the love of your life on tinder are kinda ridiculous. I’m sure it can happen. I’m sure plenty of people met the love of their life on tinder. The same way plenty of people have met the love of their life drunk at a bar. I have a friend who’s been married for 12 years who met his wife as a one night stand. When he woke up, he didn’t remember her name. They’ve been together ever since. I’m just saying, setting up limits for yourself seems to defeat the purpose and, once again, this is Tinder. One of the lower forms of dating sites. I see that “No hook ups” I swipe left cause, clearly, you’re doing it wrong. Never forget…on tinder. It’s never THAT serious.

4)I am a type

This has probably been the most sobering realization for me. I swipe all sorts of girls. various races, sizes, hair colors. I don’t discriminate at all. Not to say I’m not selective , cause i am. But the matches I get have really clarified my target audience. That audience? Brown haired white girls. That’s it. occasionally a latina girl with sneak in there but, in general, that’s who swipes back at me. No blonde girls. No black girls. No asian girls. Just brown haired girls. I mean, I love me some brunettes and all but what the fuck? I need to start working out or something. Maybe wearing a suit all the time? Who knows…

5)The longer the profile, the less I care.

I got lots of respect for girls who don’t write a word in their profile. Mystery is good.
On the other side of things, we got girls who think a tinder profile is there chance to work on that novella they’ve been thinking about. Whether it’s faux deep quotes from famous people or a 4 paragraph synopsis of them as a person, it’s never interesting and it never doesn’t seem like some vapid assholes yearbook page. I have no issue with ones that are bullet points, cause that’s direct. But once they get into writing prose? I mentally check out in a way only known by those monks who meditate for weeks on end.

6)Pets are deal breaker

Now, it’s a known fact that I loath cats. That said, I don’t think a cat is a deal breaker. I mean, I’m allergic to them but it can be worked around. However, for some people, the first thing they write is that you must love cats or dogs. They often write this before they even admit to having a child or not. Pets are serious business!

You know what, on second thought, I think having a cat might actually be a deal breaker for me. Not as much as the girl having kids, but close.

7)People don’t know how to pick pictures

So many demented smiles. So many pics of the same two or more girls together so you have no clue who’s profile you’re looking at (here’s a hint it’s always the wackest looking one), so many pics of people making the exact same face , over and over until you question if the person is, in fact, a wax statue. I feel as though , with tinder pics, you can go one of two ways
a)put your best foot forward
b)be a little wacky
Doing “a” means putting a pic that looks like you but is flattering. I feel as though this is the obvious choice and it leads me to believe that a lot of people don’t realize how cracked out they look when they smile. This is where your friends should step in a maybe pick a picture for you.
If you do “b”, you’re very likely eliminating a huge portion of people who might swipe right but, then again, maybe you don’t want those shallow people liking you in the first place.
Also, it’s nice to see the old myspace camera trick of taking a pic from above that makes you look 70 pounds lighter is still in effect. I missed that.

8)no love in the dm’s

I haven’t really gone to hard with conversing with any of my matches. A few here and there. But, when I have, I have noticed that there is no room for bullshit. You say one thing they deem boring and the convo stops. In fact, that’s literally how every exchange I’ve had has gone. We go back a forth like 4 or 5 times and they girls checks out. Granted, I can’t say I’ve been interesting or charming (this whole thing is still a work in progress for me) but, man…they speed in which you can get cut off is incredible. No wonder dudes start the conversations with overt sexual harassment. I guess they figure they’re gonna get shut down anyway so they might as well swing for the fences. Granted, those guys are pieces of shit but, you know, I kinda get it on some level.

9)The beauty of misguided self awareness

In most profiles I read , a girl will refer to her dark sense of humor and how funny she is. Here’s a fun fact, no funny person has every promoted how funny they are. If you’re actually funny, you write funny things. That’s how that works. This isn’t just a female thing either, I’m sure guys do this just as much , if not more
I find this sort of baseless self promotion hilarious. To really believe it, I’mma need a few testimonials from acquaintances at the very least. Perhaps a picture of you in a clown suit? Something other than your word.

10)Tindering takes over your brain

I’m not the first person to say this but, after being on tinder for a few days, it starts to transfer into real life. Walking down the street, swiping in my mind. It’s like the grand theft auto of dating sites.
A funny thing about it all is that, in person, I’m far less picky. When you see a real breathing human in front of you, their nuances come out. The subtle attractiveness peeks through. Looking at pictures, you only get a vague idea. Sure, someone may be photogenic but maybe they’re a hunchback or they have an awful laugh. It’s really a dice roll. For that reason alone, i can only take tinder so seriously. I suppose that’s more a defense mechanism but still…in the world of cyber “dating”, you gotta be somewhat careful on all fronts.

The Top 10 things people write that make me swipe left
1) I belong to the lord
2)No hook ups
3)I have a penis
4)i have kids
5)a poem of some sort
6)when they give a checklist of what kind of guy you need to be
7)anything “sex in the city” related
8)Looking for a sugar daddy
9)Must love cats
10)Looking for my knight in shining armor