Answers for questions vol. 254

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Hi there and welcome to this weeks “Answers for questions”. I was in Miami this past weekend, chilling and shit. I got a mild sun burn and a revitalized appreciation for latina women of all kinds. So, you go Miami.
Anyway, this is Answers for Questions. You ask, i answer. Simple stuff. I noticed my question queue is running a little thin so…ASK ME STUFF!!!!! I need it. Anything. This weeks questions are actually a really good example of the type of stuff I’m talking about. Get weird. Think outside the box. Send questions to: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Feel free to ask multiple questions if you feel inspired.
Okay, let’s get into this…

Let’s say you woke up one day in a world suddenly where large animals other then humans were now the size of insects. Lions and tigers and giraffes and bears were now miniature but they’re fucking every where and they’re major pests. Dogs and regular cats were the same size though. And at the same time insects of all types were the size of lions and tigers and shit. Again, this all happens over night. Would you dare to venture outside? Would you stay in and watch the news? What would you do and how would you react.
Well, if that were to happen, my walls would burst open and I’d be running for my life. I live in NYC. There’s insects all over the place. The ants and roaches alone would fill my apartment and murder me before I had a chance to even wake up. The fucking fruit flies who show up every how and then would be like vultures circling my garbage can. So, really, no matter what I did, I’d be screwed. It’s not like I live in the Serengeti and I’d be rejoicing cause all the lions that want to ill me are now tiny. My home would be the new Serengeti. I’d also point out that , the world would probably end within a week of that happening. aside from most insects basically being like prehistoric monsters , if they were huge, imagine the blow to the food cycle. No more cow, lamb or chicken. No more milk. Nothing. Vegans rejoice! You’d be dead too though.

Yo Block, I have a few friends that are cyclists and I occasionally join them on rides that aren’t too bad. The other day we did a 25 mile trek, and after the ride my buddy was complaining about penile numbness. Apparently this is not uncommon among cyclists. You figure a lot of pressure is placed on your undercarriage; nerves get compressed/pinched, etc. He said it usually goes away after a few days, and that he can still get a boner/bust a nut if he tries hard enough, but he equated it to having a super thick condom on. My question is this: would you rather A) suffer the same ordeal for the rest of your life, but sleep with only the hottest women in the world, or B) have full sensation in your penis, but be forced into fucking ugly women?

Oooof…I think I’d have to go with option A cause I’m not really into having sex with people I’m not attracted to. I’m sure that would cause all sorts of erectile dysfunction issues but I’ve never been one of those “get laid to get laid!” kinda guys. So, quality over quantity for sure.

Let’s say Donald Trump gets elected president. Predict in some detail the possibilities of what kind of world we would have to look forward to.

Well, I think our country would collapse within the first year. There would be riots. There would be murder attempts. It could really go one of two ways: Idiocracy or Mad Max. I actually thing the “Idiocracy” direction is inevitable , no matter who becomes president, but Trump would speed the process ten fold. We’d have a gold white house, ethnic cleansing and hookers would be legal. Woman’s rights would be fucked. We’d probably file for bankruptcy within months. No other country would ever wanna talk to us HOWEVER, I bet our relationship with wealthy oil baron scum bags from other countries would never be better.
I understand people are freaking out about this prospect but, let’s be real, he will never win the presidency. The same way these tea party morons were the big thing last time Trump supporters are not a threat. Well, they are, in the sense that they exist and are so dumb they’d vote for Trump but still…If it came down to a nationwide vote, NO WAY he is winning. We’re dumb , but not THAT dumb. This isn’t wrestling.
Any democrat should pray he gets the nomination cause then it’s a guaranteed win for them in the election. I bet a ton of republicans would even go democrat if he was their candidate. The election would be fucking entertaining though. Trump verse Bernie? The best.

What were the biggest challenges and benefits of releasing ‘Bells & Whistles’ on your own instead of through a label? Moving forward, is this the new business model?
The biggest challenge was paying for everything. I had never had to do that before. As an artist on a label, you don’t think of all the expenses cause all that stuff is covered and accounted for. Paying for the pressing, the mastering, the mixing, the press, the art work etc…Granted, there are cheaper ways to do all these things and I went the way I did cause I wanted it to be right but still…it’s not cheap to put out an album. It’s also not THAT expensive, on larger scale so when you see an artist asking for money to put out their album on kickstarter, know that $50,000 is a silly amount to ask for. You can make a good records for under $5000. Easily. Just saying.
Moving forward, I dunno. I didn’t put it out myself cause I wanted to. I did it cause it was the best option. If a label wants to put my shit out, I will do that (assuming it’s a good, trust worthy situation). I don’t think i really have any of that set it stone. Whatever is best for the record.

Have you encountered the phenomenon of actresses on Instagram having ugly dogs and never shutting up about how cute the dogs is? What is up with that?

I think that phenomenon is not just on instagram. It’s life, bro. People and their fucking dogs. People and their fucking cats. People and their fucking babies. There’s just something about ownership of a smaller life form that makes people lose their mind. Sure, all those things can be cute. Without question. And loving them is obviously fine (except cats, they don’t deserve real love). The need to constantly put them on display for a bunch of people who don’t actually care, though? I don’t get it. I mean, I get it…but I think it’s pathetic. And that rhymed!

Are you going to see Straight Outta Compton?
I actually saw it. I went against everything I had believed in and saw it in the theater. I was planning on it being a cable movie and , honestly, i probably should have stuck to that plan. I had just heard such overwhelming response to it I couldn’t deny it anymore.
Here’s the thing about that movie. It’s decent. It’s like 50%-60% good. That other 40%? Lifetime movie garbage. I thought the acting was good. I was impressed with a few scenes where they really went in and showed how fucked up things were. On the flip side, the dude that directed it is terrible. Had anyone with an even remotely stylized vision handled it, it would have been twice as good. All the emotional scenes were handled like a soap opera. They could have had actual power in the hands of another film maker.
There’s also the aspect of the movie being made by Dr. Dre and Ice Cube. Those two come out looking like fucking genius saints. At no point do either of them seem in the wrong about anything and that’s the problem when you let the people the movie is about, make the movie.
On a positive note, I thought Yella was the best thing in the movie. The dude who played Eazy really did a good job of getting his electric personality across. Suge was pretty perfect. There are a few amazing scenes and I don’t doubt it will be highly re-watchable (the last 30 minutes, not so much). It’s tough for me cause i know the story and there were definitely details I wanted to see more of and other aspects they covered heavily that I didn’t give a shit about. So, I’m gonna be a little biased. Two fucking scenes on “Efil4zaggin”? Come on…I’d give it a soft 6 out of 10.

Oh Really, Uberfact? Vol. 5

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Uberfacts is a twitter handle that spews all sorts of info all day. Some of it is valid, some is useless, other stuff is totally debatable.
Uberfacts, how do they work? I like to imagine a few dudes in a cubicle just making shit up but I suppose there is a science to it all. I like to bring a few of their facts to light as discuss them like an adult would.

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I remember when I first went to college, I was exposed to all sorts of new lifestyles. Like, i knew what a vegetarian was but a vegan? Never seen that before. (Keep in mind,this was the early/mid 90’s). The most shocking lifestyle choice I came across at that time was the straight edge people. A bunch of white dudes from the suburbs with shaved heads and x’s drawn on their hands. Looking at them, they were seemingly a bunch of skinheads who went clubbing the night before. I couldn’t have been more wrong. There was a straight edge guy on my floor in my dorm and I just kinda assumed he was a punk rock kid. Little did I know that his whole existence was not drinking smoking, doing drugs and…having sex. That one threw me for a loop. I realize not all straight edge guys follow that last part but this guy was dedicated. I remember, sitting in the common area of the dorm just grilling him about it all. Not trying to be a dick but generally curious that someone would choose this lifestyle. Beyond just that, that someone would promote it, as opposed to just living that way a shutting up about it. I mean, I drank in high school, but I didn’t smoke or do drugs. I also barely had any sex but that wasn’t cause I was making a statement, it’s cause I was a teenaged coward. I remember speaking to this guy like “Wait, so why not just don’t do those things and live your life? Is the fashion statement necessary?” He came back with some convoluted response about society and how he’s taking a stand. I dunno. I kinda checked out to be honest.

I bring all that up cause , seeing the word “Sapiosexual” all over Tinder had me scratching my head in a similar fashion. I am totally out of the loop with some of this dating site lingo. I quickly learned that TS means transexual but, outside of that, I kept seeing Sapiosexual pop up and thought it mean maybe it was a person who fucked food or a person who was only turned on by cavemen. So, I looked it up and learned it was people who are sexually attracted to intelligence. Oh….okay. So, basically,  on this dating site based on peoples looks, these people are here to tell us nothing gets them wetter than a beautiful mind.  Now, I’m in no way saying people aren’t attracted to intelligence. I mean, shit, didn’t Stephen hawking cheat on his wife? That’s real deal. But I’mma need these tinder Sapiosexuals to cut the bullshit. Lemme see them , swiping some dude in a lab coat who looks like George Costanza. I have the sneaking suspicion that, by intelligence, they mean a tall , handsome dude with a beard who knows a little about craft beer and has a decent mind for movie trivia. Cause none of these hipster girls that put that in their profile are hanging outside college laboratories in tiny skirts looking for mr. right. Sorry nerds.  Sapiosexuality is a cute idea and, on some level, it exists but it’s some false hope for all those truly brilliant, socially retarded types out there looking for love.  I’d imagine it’s like real gluten allergies. Only 2% of the people who claim it ACTUALLY have it.

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This is one of those “Man, I am outta touch” moments. I thought Wiz Khalifa was just that dude who made “black and yellow” then he kinda slipped into the background. Artists like him, Tyga, Meek millz…I don’t know a single person who actively listens to their music. And, if I did, I’d be like “Why?” Nothing against their music. It’s, um…fine I guess. But when people settle for the most basic shit out there, it makes me wonder if they realize they have options. All those dudes are lamer versions of better musicians. Why not just listen to the good version? No one’s putting a gun to your head and forcing you to like anything. The fact Wiz holds a record for most plays anywhere is insane. More than Kanye? More than Drake? Hell, more than Mumford and sons? It’s just not something I woulda seen coming. While I’d like to dismiss this all as classic Uberfacts bullshit, it’s probably true and I blame teenagers. I always blame teenagers. You motherfuckers are the worst.

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Man, those are some good odds. I’m not one of them, as I can barely touch my toes but, hey, more power to you if you are. This all raises the question: If you could, would you suck your own dick? I think it deserves a poll.


Now, sucking your own dick is a tricky topic. First off, even if you can do, I can’t imagine rolling yourself up in a ball a scarfing down your own cock would be very comfortable. Secondly, it really challenges a mans sexuality. It’s your dick, but it’s still a dick in your mouth. Is that gay? I dunno. I’m sure some will argue that it’s no different than jerking off but I’d say that’s short sighted. Hands and mouths are different things. Like, for instance, if you have to wipe your ass using your mouth (somehow) I’d imagine we’d live in a world of bidets everywhere. The act of fellating yourself has two parts, the beginning and the end. I feel most dudes would give that first part a whirl cause , hey, it probably feels great if you can remove the thought that you are, in fact , sucking a dick. That second part though…that’s the test. Do you bust in your own mouth? Surely that’s a line being crossed. Do you give yourself a facial? I’d think an enlightened man might do it just to put himself in the position of a female for once. Also, what if a dick in your mouth just feels “right”? I feel as though sucking your own dick is a pandoras box for any man who’s even remotely confused with his sexuality. In a way, it could be a way of learning about yourself. I bet that’s a scary prospect. Either way, I’m glad I can’t touch my toes.

(Side note: If you have sucked your own dick, I wanna interview you. I’m 100% serious. Email me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com and I’ll send you some questions. It will 100% anonymous when I post it and I will never give up your name in any way. This is a fascinating thing that could make for an amazing article. Don’t be shy. Let’s talk, bro. )

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Ohhhh, Uberfacts spilling those beans! Uberfacts all by the water cooler , coyly sipping their coffee, darting glances both ways before leaning in to say “girl, did you hear about Nicole? She said her and Tommy never felt right!” *giggles insue*.
I feel it should be noted that the word “claims” should never be used in something that’s based on “facts”. I don’t doubt Nicole Kidman was never comfortable with Tom Cruise. Arranged marriages will do that to you. But, I dunno, maybe Uberfacts needs to bring it in a little. Stick to telling me that a group of bears is called a “slurth” (i made that up) or that the average teenager ingests a gallon of sperm before they reach 18 (also, made up). At least that’s based on some reality. Talking about an actresses feelings? Come on, Uberfacts, EVEN you are better than that.

Yay or Nay: Junglepussy

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You know, I’ll admit it. i don’t love a ton of Female rappers. This isn’t to say there haven’t been a bunch of very good ones, I just have rarely been drawn to them beyond a song or two. I feel as though this is fairly common amongst many male rap fans. Not sure why it is. Cause, undoubtedly, there are and have been some really talented female mc’s. I clearly remember the first time I heard MC Lyte’s “Eye on this” album and loving it. Or Fugees Era Lauryn Hill. What about Trina? Her content may not be up your alley but she made some dope shit. More recently (meaning the last 15 years) Jean Grae has done a lot of good work. Hell, I may not love her music much but Nicki Minaj can undeniably rap her ass off. I’m listing all these ladies not in a “See! I like girl rappers!” kinda way but more to show the variety that can be found within the genre (is it even a genre?). As much as she was a blueprint for many female rappers, not all of them are Lil’ Kim knock offs. And even some of those knock offs were not bad. But all that said, this is the first female “Yay or Nay” ever so it must be something.

So, I’m probably late to the game but today I discovered JunglePussy. She’s been around for years and the name is definitely familiar. I probably never checked her cause I assumed it was some kinda club/dance/hipster rap that i assumed I wouldn’t care about. Well, turns out I was mistaken. JunglePussy is interesting. She’s funny. She’s contradictory in a great way. She’s also pretty hot but that’s neither hear nor there. She seems to have found a happy medium between the current type of “hot shit”, someone who spits #barz and having a very specific voice of her own. She’s kinda dirty. Topically, i feel as though she might lose some of you more picky, uptight types. But, I’m a believer in “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”, when it comes to rap. And I like how she says things.
Now, I won’t lie, I don’t love some of her production but I’m also a dinosaur so it’s not really made for me. I’m curious what you guys think.


What do you think? (you can pick more than one)

If you’re feeling her, i think you should check her new album on Vice Records

Answers for Questions vol. 253

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What up. Welcome to another edition of “Answers for Questions”. You guys send me questions and I answer them. I can always use more so don’t be shy. Send me questions! phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Be weird. Be creative. Don’t ask me about music equipment. I don’t know shit about that.
Anyway let’s see what we got this week…

Say you can have your ideal life (socially, sexually, financially); basically, you can choose whatever course your life will take. However, instead of being a man, you’ll be a heterosexual woman. You won’t remember your life as a male, and you will possess all of the normal urges of a heterosexual woman. Do you do it?

My guess is that most men will say no, and most women will say yes. Based on people I’ve asked that’s definitely been the case. I say fuckit, I’ll do it!

I think what sells me on this is the “ideal life” angle. You’re saying that I could have a absolute happiness as woman? It wouldn’t make sense to turn that down. Sure, being a woman would be a lot rougher than being a man but, like you said, I’d have no memory of being a man so that wouldn’t even come into play. Pretty obvious choice, if you ask me.

How computer saavy is your mom?
Not at all. She knows how to play solitaire and send emails. Outside of that, I’d say she’s pretty limited. My mom isn’t exactly young though so you gotta cut her a break. If I could just get her into texting, it would be a game changer but I don’t see that happening ever. It should also be noted that she’s savvy enough to read this blog so, Hi mom!

I’m sure you’ve been to your fair share of weddings. Which wedding tradition do you think is the wackest? (e.g. white dress, bouquet toss, etc.)
I hate weddings in general. I’m not a fan of that type of tradition as it’s all a bunch of made up bullshit to me. In a perfect world, a wedding would be two people in a room signing marriage documents, then a party afterwards with their friends. No first dance, No vows, No biblical readings. None of that shit.

Food, drinks, a few words said by people close to the couple and partying. That’s all it should be. Cause, if you think about it, while a wedding is a celebration of a union, it’s only really important to a handful of people. The couple, the parents , maybe some very close friends. The rest of the people there don’t ACTUALLY really give a shit. Don’t get me wrong, they’re happy for you but you getting married doesn’t really matter to anyone but you. It’s kinda like how I look at other peoples birthdays “Congrats but, also, who gives a shit? Now, let’s party”.

Downtown science is my favourite Blockhead album. I’m also a big fan of Moondog’s music and Tony Schwartz’s media works. I guess I love New York City even though I’ve never been there.

I said this because I was listening to Moondog’s “Manhattan Music Vol.1″ and I think you sampled some parts from that album on Downtown Science or Uncle Tony’s Col…

The question is: did you ever met Moondog? Thoughts on Tony Schwartz’s work? What was your idea for the voice samples on Downtown Science? Or did they just sound good?

This is where I let you down and tell you I have no idea who you’re talking about. It’s very possible I sampled him. I’ve sampled thousands of things. But I never paid close attention to the sources. ESPECIALLY back when I was making “Downtown Science”. I would literally have a stack of records and blaze through them, often not even looking at the cover.
As for the voice samples on Downtown Science (I’m assuming you mean the sped up talking parts), the album was an ode to downtown Manhattan. I found a record that had tons of clips talking about the city and wanted to push that feeling through. So, yes, they sounded good but it was more just setting a tone for the album as a whole.

No one can’t deny that Def Jux had a huge influence on underground hip hop in the early 2000s. What album from that label do you consider your favorite or which album do you think had the most impact towards hip hop in that era?

It’s hard to say cause I can’t really judge the ones I was involved with. But, when it’s all said and done, “Cold vein” is the best Jux record ever and had the most impact. Sonically, no other album had sounded like that and it’s merged street raps with nerd rap sensibilities. I would say it kinda stepped on the line that had been drawn in the sand for that whole era of underground rap. Prior to that album, you were a backpacker nerd or you were a thug rap fan. That album was the first of that generation to bridge the gap. Also, it holds up still to this day, which you can’t say for a lot of rap from that era.

Being newly single after a long term relationship, What is the best part and worst part so far?
Hmmm…it’s hard to say cause , while it’s been a month or so, my life hasn’t fully slipped into “I’m a single guy!” mode. Mostly cause there are still some logistical loose ends that need tying up that are out of both my ex and my control.
That said, the best part is the freedom. I can literally do anything I want whenever I want to. My ex wasn’t needy or controlling at all so it’s not like that was a problem in the past but there is something great about not having to ever check in. If I get a call on a wednesday at 11:30 at night to go out, I can do that with no guilt or worries. I enjoy the ability to be able to just get up and go. Basically, having my own life schedule. Again, this wasn’t thwarted in the past by my ex but when you live with someone you have to take that kinda thing into consideration at all times.
The worst part? I think it’s too early to tell. The only thing I can think of is the social aspect of a break up where you both have the same friends but even that hasn’t been that bad. It also is the type of thing that generally will get better as time passes.

Actually, you know what the worst part is? My focus. I’ve been all over the place the last month cause it’s like , socially, it’s a free for all. When in a relationship, you have structure and the desire to be out and about is muffled. So, I think I haven’t been thinking much about music the last month or so and I probably should try and regain a little focus on that. It is my job, after all.

If you were on an island with no food and the corpses of your mother and your father, wich one would you eat first and why? Would you start by a particular body part?
Jesus, that’s an awful question.
Well, I’d eat my mom cause my dad has been dead for almost 20 years. He was cremated so suppose I could make an ovaltine like drink out of him but, still, that’s not much food.
I doubt I’d be too selective about what body part to eat first. I mean, arms and legs? Those seems to be the obvious choices.
Again, fuck you for this horrific question.

In defense of the Fat Jew

NEW YORK - June 3, 2014. For Features. The fat Jew, Fabrizio Goldstein in his Chelsea neighborhood.(photo by Tamara Beckwith/NY Post).

NEW YORK – June 3, 2014. For Features. The fat Jew, Fabrizio Goldstein in his Chelsea neighborhood.(photo by Tamara Beckwith/NY Post).

I’ve had a bunch of people ask me about this so I figured I’d write a whole post about it. Give the people (those three people who asked) what they want.
This week has been a rough one for the Fat Jew. If you’re on social media, you’re probably familiar the man. His Instagram and Twitter are followed by millions. He’s known for posting hilarious Memes and tweeting subversive and funny one liners. If you don’t know who he is, you’re probably confused and wondering why I’m calling someone a fat jew. Rest easy, my thin skinned friend, that is a self given moniker by the NYC born and bred Manhattanite of jewish descent. His name has been building steam for years and, finally, in the age of internet backlash, his time has come.
Gawker dropped this article:
http://gawker.com/thefatjewish-is-a-thief-1724537304
Writers and comedians everywhere were quick to step up to the plate and take their swings at the Fat Jew. It’s was an all out lambasting.

Now, I’m not here to say fat jew doesn’t steal jokes. Cause, on twitter and instagram, he certainly does. But, there are two things people are overlooking

1)Instagram accounts like his (and “fuck Jerry”) are here for entertainment purposes. You can look at them as curators of the bowels of the internet. Soooooo many accounts just post meme’s they found on the internet. These two just happen to be the two biggest accounts that do that on the planet. As someone who also tends to post funny pics I find on the internet on instagram, it’s all for fun. Better that then picture of you stupid fucking cat or a sunset. Add a funny caption and there you go!  At least Fat Jew does write captions (unlike “Fuck Jerry” who typically just posts pics with no caption. The fact he seems to be avoiding the brunt of this heat is kind of amazing). So, if he’s out trolling the internet for funny pics all day and posts one, he’s just doing exactly what 1000’s of other less successful instagram accounts do. The difference being, he’s famous. And, contrary to popular belief, he does give often credit to the source. How do I know? Cause he’s taken pics I’ve posted and given me credit. Pics, I might add, that I didn’t take and that I found on the internet. It’s a vicious cycle, I know.
Also, how is this a new thing? I don’t think the man has ever made any bold claims that he’s a functional meme factory , creating all original content. In fact, every thing I’ve ever read about him refers to him finding all his pics on the internet. So, no, he’s not sitting there with photoshop and creating 20 meme’s a day. No one is. But he knows where to go to find the best ones. Now, I’m not a “meme” guy on my account. I prefer finding outlandish pics and writing a funny caption. But is that so different? It’s all found material. Kinda reminds me of sampling, in a way. I’d bet that, when he has a source he can credit he does. When it’s just some random pic he found on reddit? The original source is not going to be that easy to track down and, honestly, I doubt he cares that much to search.

2)Now, his twitter/facebook joke stealing, I can’t really defend. From what I see, it’s real. I fully understand how this would infuriate anyone involved , as well as other comedians and writers in general. Hell, some of the people going at him are some of my favorite comedians. All I can lend that too is that he’s lazy on twitter. At the same time he doesn’t rely on either of those mediums nearly as much as he does instagram. It’s the lesser of his outlets for sure. Doesn’t make it okay but, I dunno people are acting like he’s never had an original thought in his life. Which is total bullshit. Regardless, the comedian backlash has been heavy and bitter. It’s to the point where I can say a comedian making a joke about Fat jew being a fraud is somewhat hack. Having been someone who’s followed him for years (and known him personally since he was just a rapper in “Team Facelift“) If the fat jew is one thing, it’s a funny person. He’s always been funny. You run into him on the street, and he’s riffing some ridiculous shit that only comes from his brain. In person, he’s one of the quickest witted people I’ve ever met. When he does write his own stuff, it’s always on point and has a very specific voice. He’s a naturally funny person. He’s not Carlos Mencia. He’s not Carrot Top. At the same time, he’s not a comedian. There is a difference. His “bits” don’t work in the construct. He’s never stood on stage and told jokes. His humor often comes from reacting to people and basic human interaction.

My buddy Evil and him had a short lived public access show on Manhattan cable for a few year back in the mid 2000’s. On this show they would take calls from various random new york lunatics, most of whom lived in washington heights and simply yelled out their crew names, called them both “white boy faggots!” and hung up. Now, this may not sound like entertainment but, trust me, it was must watch tv every week. Why? Cause Fat jew is a extremely astute and quick dude (So is Evil , btw, but this isn’t about him). His live banter with strangers and Evil, was great. He’s a guy who very much has his own brand of humor. It’s self depreciating, overtly NYC and weird. i wish I could find clips but, somehow, they have alluded the internet. That’s a feat in itself, honestly.

So, basically, my point is this: let him live. If you don’t like his social media ethics, then unfollow him. If you’re a comedian who is salty about his success, more power to you. If he took a tweet from you and didn’t give you credit, by all means, call him out. But to take all this and immediately strip him of being a funny person is not fair and not true. I haven’t known him for my whole life and we aren’t close friends. We’re friendly acquaintances who have been around each other for probably 10-15 years. That said, I’ve always respected the guy and he’s always been a good dude in general. But, most of all, he’s always been genuinely funny. He’s not a joke stealing sociopath. If anything, he’s got a brand he’s constantly pushing to stay popular. I think he knows that instagram and twitter are outlets to keep his name out there. But the real creative stuff he does is in writing TV show pilots and simply being himself in front of a microphone and camera. All the social media is a stepping stone towards that. It’s extra. Sure, instagram made him really famous but it’s never been something I’ve looked at as more than just recreational bullshit for him. A few years back him and his writing partner Jonny Sollis made a few trailers for show ideas they had. This was in the era of “The Hills” and “Laguna beach”. Well, they were fucking awesome. THIS is the type of stuff he’s meant to be doing. And I just hope this corny backlash doesn’t make that impossible for him.

So, To summarize,
Does fat jew take meme’s of the internet: Yes. Like 1000’s of others. In fact, it’s safe to say he’s the grandfather of that brand of instagram account.
Does he steal jokes on twitter: 100% and he should be ashamed of himself.
But, is he a truly funny guy with talent: absolutely.
yeah, that’s my take. Keep your head up, fatty.

Re-up: Mix tapes for girls

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(So I did these 4 mixes and write ups about 3 or 4 years ago. Just happened upon them again, saw the links were dead so figured I’d re-up them. All the writing is from the original posts ,with a few edits made. I added and removed a few songs cause some of the older song files got corrupted years ago)

Some of you are probably too young to even know this was once a thing, but there was a time when making a mix for a girl was every sucker-for-love types go to move. I’m not talking about putting together a soulless playlist on I-tunes and exporting it into a some girls external hard drive. I’m talking about sitting by a cassette player, dubbing songs from cd’s and tapes onto a cassette or cd. I’m talking about writing down the song titles and artists with your bare hands on that paper fold out that came with the blank cd/cassettes. I’m talking about optional artwork you might add to the cover and maybe even personal notes written to the girl you’re giving the cd/tape to. This took time and thought. You had to literally sit and listen to every song as it recorded and even consider the order of the songs. Often putting songs in a very particular order to somehow purvey a message. It was , in a way, an expression of art and desire , concealed as a casual thing you just did for a buddy. A buddy, I might add, that you wanted to have sex with.

In my mid teens to my mid 20’s, I was shy with girls. Because that was an era when people actually had to talk on the phone and communicate like humans, it wasn’t as easy as it is now. We couldn’t just send a text pic of our cocks and call it a day. We had to actually use words that came out of our mouths. Because that was never entirely in my comfort zone, I always would make girls mixes. If I liked you, I’d make you a mix (unless it was just some girl who had heard another mix I had made for another girl and asked me for one cause she too wanted cool music to listen to).

Making a successful mix for a girl was walking a fine line. You wanted to , first and foremost, give them good music. Music you legitimately enjoy. You also wanted to be subtle. Love songs were a must but making a whole mix of slow jams was kinda presumptuous. You had to spoon feed your intentions. I’d imagine crafting a mix tape that gets across the right emotions without being too overt could be compared to sculpting a bonsai tree. It was about balance. Pretty songs, funny songs, message songs and just songs you liked and wanted to share. It was truly a craft.

When done right, mix tapes would resonate with that girl. To this day, I’d like to think there are girls out there who, when they hear certain songs, they think of my bum ass. That’s the beauty of music really. It sticks around in a persons head and rattles their thoughts. There are still tons of songs I hear all the time that take me to a specific place and time whenever I hear them. A place I would otherwise assume I had long forgotten. With a proper mixtape, it could be like a deep tissue massage for the soul of some girls you once liked. AND , perhaps, they would make out with you because of it.

Another cool thing about making mixes for girls was you could throw on that corny song you secretly like cause, well, there’s a good chance the girl’s music taste would be cornier than yours and like it just as much.
So, I decided to make some mix tapes for girls…Basically, I put together 4 mixes of songs. Each with an angle. Each going for a different vibe. But, fellas, don’t be dissuaded by all this girl talk. These are still, for the most part, awesome songs. Songs that men are allowed to like (well, some of them are straight up embarrassing but that’s the point).

This first one is the more “upbeat” of the mixes. That doesn’t mean it’s for dancing but it has happier moods. This is the mixtape you wanna give a girl that you like, but you’re not crazy serious about. Like, you wanna bone her, but it’s not the end of the world if you don’t. If nothing else, it’s a good intro mix.
Also, long time readers might be familiar with some of these songs , as I’ve been doing the “song of the day” thing for years now. Sorry about that but that’s how it is. Whatever, stop complaining for once and enjoy it. Free music , dude.

The “What’s up?” mix

http://www83.zippyshare.com/v/G4YaCsCG/file.html
1)I only have love: Syl Johnson

2)Artibella:Ken Boothe

3)Fever:Little Willie John

4)Golden Brown: The Stranglers

5)Love that will not die: Johnny “guitar” Watson

6)You’ve made me so very happy: Lou Rawls

7)Why can’t we live together: Timmy Thomas

8)Left with a broken heart: john Holt

9)Missing: Beck

10)Ruby Lee: Bill Withers

11)Sexy Secrets: The Midnight Show

12)You push, I’ll Go: Baby Dayliner
13)I love you all: Frank
14)Season (waiting on you): Future islands (BBNG Remix)

The “Eclectic” mix
This mix is the one you give a girl when you want her to think you’re interesting. There’s no theme. No genre that dominates. It’s a very random collection of songs that a girl will peep and perhaps think, “hmm…this guy is sorta strange. Perhaps i will investigate further”. It spans different era’s, social scenes, moods and ranges from obscure to a song she might have made out with a guy to in college (That song being, “So Anxious”)
Now, because i’m not really a rock and roll kinda guy, you’ll notice that my mixes tend to be kinda thin in that genre. I realize this is a gaping hole in my mixology. I know, the ladies love rock and roll. But the thing about making mixes for girls is that if you try and pander to the girls too much to the point where it’s not even your taste, you’re kinda playing yourself. Go with what you know. And besides, mixes have never been about omissions. They’re all about selections. And a mix like this shows a subtle versatility that a cool girl will pick up on. Even if she doesn’t like some of the songs you chose, she will , at least, respect where you’re coming from.

Also, bare in mind that I’m not “in the loop” with much super current music. If this mix seems like it could have been made 10 years ago, it totally could have. But, hey, a good song should be timeless. Just cause you’ve moved onto to some new genre like shoe-gaze, electro weep-step doesn’t mean that music made 5 years ago is no longer enjoyable.
http://www3.zippyshare.com/v/nvsHK6V0/file.html
1)Nightcall: Kavinsky

2)Underwear: The magnetic fields

3)A modern promise: Francis and the lights

4)Aht uh mi hed: Shuggie Otis

5)Sheep: Gonjusufi

6)Cry: Godley and cream

7)I never cared for you: Willie Nelson

8)All i need: Air

9)Baby Bitch: Ween

10)A silver Key…: Lilliput

11)Love Dog: Tv on the Radio

12)I was a a landscape in your dream: Of Montreal

13)Dames a dime a dozen: Beat the devil

14)Hands away: Interpol

15)So anxious: Genuine

16)Innocent when you dream: Tom Waits

The “I’m sorry” mix
This mix for girls is for that special occasion when you’ve fucked up. This is that mix you give to the girl to try and express how devastated you are that she is no longer in your life. It’s the “low blow” of mixes cause it’s full of beautiful and sad songs with all sorts of mixed messages. I’m not gonna lie, there is a sociopath element to making a decent mix tape for a girl. Especially when it’s purpose is to win her back after screwing her over. It’s manipulating emotions and trying to hit nerves that may or may not still be active. When you’ve fucked up , there is only so much “I’m sorry” you can say before it becomes a repetitive. That’s when the “I’m sorry” mix comes in handy.
Not only will it express your feelings better than you could ever do (most likely via a text message, you piece of shit) but it’s relentless. Song after song of heartbreak , regret, or even just a straight up pretty song that strikes a chord . It’s a real test to how dead in the water you are in this relationship cause , if she has any feelings for you still, this should bring them out. If not, the light switch in her head has been flicked and it’s time to move on. Perhaps start working on one of those ” Hey, I’m eclectic and interesting” type mixes for whatever future girl you might encounter
All psychology of this mix aside, these are all awesome songs that actually play as well for a rainy day inside or a bad hangover as they do for burying your face in a pillow and weeping all day. That’s what’s so cool about music. It’s so flexible.
So, here’s the “last hope” mix. Use it wisely.
http://www3.zippyshare.com/v/HPMKzYXY/file.html
1)I love you more than you’ll ever know: Donny Hathaway

2)Strong as death (sweet as love): Al Green

3)You are mine: Eddie ray

4)I’ll take care of you: Bobby “Blue” Bland

5)In the rain: The Dramatics

6)Out getting ribs:King Krule

7)With these hands: Les Mccann

8)Free Ride: Nick Drake

9)Just to keep you satisfied: Marvin Gaye

10)Between the bars: Madeleine Peyroux

11)I believe to my soul: Ray Charles

12)Hope there’s someone: Antony and the Johnsons

13)Wayfaring stranger: The Anita Kerr Quartet

14)retrograde:James Blake


”Close it out” mix

This is the final chapter. This is the “close it out” mix. This is you at your most vulnerable. How vulnerable? How bout a fucking James ingram song? yeah…THAT vulnerable. This mix is a blend of well known classics, obscure jewels and just enough corny syrupy shit to top it off perfectly. This is definitely the mix with the most guilty pleasure songs. I mean…it’s hard for me to skip “100 ways” when it comes on my ipod but I’d be embarrassed as fuck if anyone ever actually caught me listening to that song alone.
The one common factor these songs all have is that they play into a mood. Often, with mix tapes, you walk a fine line of romance and sadness. This one has songs like that coming out the ass.
So, enjoy it…and if you’ve used these and haven’t gotten the ass…I really don’t know what to tell you. She’s just not that into you, bro.

http://www3.zippyshare.com/v/rAHWd2cM/file.html
1)Colours: Donovan

2)Possibly Maybe Remix: Bjork

3)On Lovers Lane: The Giraffes

4)On a Clear Day: The Peddlers

5)Fire and Rain: The Isley Brothers

6)How come you don’t call me anymore: Prince

7)That’s you my love: Johnny Cool

8)Morning Sunrise:Weldon Irving

9)A change gonna come: Otis Redding

10)Cruisin’:D’angelo

11)Don’t look down: Thundersticks

12)I love you: Eddie Holman

13)Intimate friends: Eddie Kendricks

14)One hundred ways: James Ingram

Answers for Questions vol. 252

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Hi there everyone.
Before I start, I just wanted to say that I was lucky enough to catch the screening of the Stretch and Bobbito documentary last night in central park. It was awesome and I highly recommend it to any rap nerd out there. I think it will be on netflix and other such places in the near future. Support that shit.
Anyhoo…
Welcome to another edition of answers for questions. You ask it, I answer it.
If you’d like to ask me stuff, DO IT! Email questions to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com OR leave them in the comment section below. Be creative. Get weird. It helps.
Let’s peep this weeks batch…

Hey Block,

I read that Despot has been to jail, got shot and killed someone. Is that true or just someone messing about on wikipedia?

Also, does the release of House Made of Bricks mean that his album is finally on the way?

Pretty sure he’s never been shot and pretty sure he’s never killed anyone. The Jail thing is possible but, if it happened, I don’t remember it. Sounds like some internet tomfoolery. As for his album, i would think the new video is a good sign but with Despot, you never know. He’s truly gonna just do it when he feels like it. He’s a pretty busy dude in general so , you know, putting out an album isn’t super high on his to-do list. He’s got people to shoot and kill and jail time to serve.
ALso, he’s been clearly spending lot of time working out cause dude is kinda ripped nowadays.

Blockhead Vs. Nature. You’re invited to play some big festival in South America, but on your way, the plane goes down in the deep Amazon. You are the lone survivor of the crash, and regain consciousness to find yourself surrounded by a large group of “Uncontacted Peoples”, who have no knowledge of modern society. What happens next?
I’m assuming the would either murder me on sight or make me their leader. Isn’t that how it works? First off, I’d probably be a giant compared to them , as those lost societies tend to be full of inbreeding and south americans aren’t typically large people to start with. I wouldn’t be shocked it they brutally stabbed me to death with whatever weird cave man ass spears they made and then ate me. But, perhaps, they’re a gentle and kind people. They’d take me in, feed me, nurse me back to wellness with their ancient herbs. Then, when I was 100% , I’d kill and eat them. You know, these kinda things are all a coin toss, right?

Hey, you mentioned recently that you’re single again. I’m wondering what your thoughts are on jumping back into the dating pool? Also, might we see a new segment dedicated to that experience?

I definitely don’t see a segment dedicated to my dating experience. Simply out of respect for my ex and whoever I would be talking about. It would be a lot of fun to write about (especially tinder cause that shit is soooooo dumb) but I don’t really wanna air all my personal shit out like that.
As for jumping into the dating pool, I honestly haven’t really done it yet. I don’t know if “dating” is something I ever did. I was more and “hang around and see what happens” kinda guy. Like proper dates? I’m not opposed to them but they’re also nerve wracking and can be the worst.
Being single is bugged out for sure though. It’s fun and very free but also unpredictable. I’ve used this metaphor before a ton in real life (and maybe on this blog already) but, being single for the first time in 7-8 years is kinda like being released from prison after a 20 year bid. I don’t mean that in the sense that “relationships are prison!” kinda way. I mean, it’s been so long, the landscape of dating has changed. Not only am I waaaaay older than i was before but now internet dating is huge and meeting online in the norm. I’m walking out of jail in the same clothes I went into jail in , looking at how the city has changed like “whoa…what the fuck? There’s a starbucks there now?!?!”. I feel like I kinda used to know how to traverse these waters but it’s not the same anymore. The attention span has lessened. If you’re talking to a girl, it’s going fine, then all of sudden, the communication stops. I mean, that shit has happened forever but, nowadays, it seems to happen before you even hang out with them. I’m sure it works both ways too.
But yeah, I’m single, old, pale , I travel all the time and I’m fairly emotionally unavailable. Anyone wanna make out?

Have you noticed a recent upsurge in women applying full-on makeup while on the subway? I’m talking blush, eyeliner, mascara, eyebrows, etc. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’ve noticed a ton of this on the metro in my city lately….so weird!

I have not noticed this. I mean, I’ve seen it over the course of my life but never enough to feel any certain way about it. I also don’t really ride the train during the morning rush hour so I’d guess that’s a factor in this as well. People rushing to work and cutting their time by doing their make up on the train. Regardless, it’s way better than the animals who eat Mcdonalds on the train. That’s for sure.

I’ve been a big Jedi mind tricks fan for a while and obviously Vinnie Paz is incredibly talented. I am also very open minded and believe people should be free to be homosexual, trans, etc. obviously he is against these lifestyles and mentions it frequently in his music. Vinnie has the right to say what he wants to say and it won’t stop me from listening to his music, but it does bother me. What are your views on this?

To me, if a rapper is a good rapper, his content doesn’t really matter to me. I disagree with tons of shit rappers say but it doesn’t make me dislike their music. It just lets me know that, if I knew them as real people, we’d probably not be friends. That said, if a rapper is obsessively rapping about that stuff, it can be too much. Like, if Vinnie Paz (Who I’m not really a fan of, btw) made an entire song about why he hates gay people, that’s fucking ridiculous and I could easily see how that would make a person wanna stop listening to him. But if it’s just cause he says “faggot” here and there? That’s different. I could see and understand why that might turn a person away from his music but, personally, it wouldn’t really phase me (if i were a fan of his music, I mean). I realize it’s hugely different but I’m not a proponent of selling drugs or killing people. Still, I listen to tons of rappers who talk about that. I’d argue that killing people is a worse offense than homophobia in real life.
It’s really more about your ability to overlook that kinda stuff and also realize that lots of rap is not real. To me, it’s not hard to see the difference. I’ve loved songs that were about killing white people. It’s just music to me. I can generally appreciate it without relating to it. ESPECIALLY rap music.

Im curious to know how your podcast partner in crime is doing with her new life in LA? Loves it? Hates it?

Spoke to Pollyne yesterday. She’s doing well. She definitely loves it. The one thing she’s said is she wishes she could replace all the people in it with NYC people and it would be perfect. I know what she means.
But, yeah, things are going well for her out there.

What’s your favorite type of salad?
I tend to like a simple salad with a good balsamic vinaigrette. Cucumbers, tomatoes, avocado. Nothing too extra. My mom makes the best salad dressing ever so I grew up loving that shit.
Lately, I’ve found this spot that makes an amazing greek salad. Which is odd cause I’ve never liked greek salad in my life but the veggies are so fresh and the dressing is perfect. Also, they have this barrel aged feta that doesn’t even really taste like feta. Snack Taverna on Bedford st in Manhattan. Look into it!