Hello and welcome to another edition of the equally hated and loved “Fuck, Marry, Kill”. It’s exactly what you think it is. The same game drunk frat guys play. As always, i’d like to preface this , for the more sensitive people out there, that this is all jokes. I’m would never actually kill or marry any of these people/things and this is not meant to be taken seriously in any way. Okay? Good.
If you’ve got some crazy f/m/k options , leave them in the comment section below. Get strange and inventive.
Pretty easy choice for a few reasons.
1)I know very little about it
2)From what I do know, seems harmless enough
I’m not a religious man in any way but the eastern religions seems to be the most chill by far. All I really know about Confucianism is that they must be all about little pearls of wisdom. Wasn’t Ghost dog down with that? Or was that the art of war? Who fucking knows? Regardless, I can abide by that. It just seems the least judgey of all the options. It’s more just a bunch of little suggestions. If that’s one thing i want out of my religion, it’s suggestions over “Rules!”.
This was tough cause, to me, both Scientology and mormonism are equally insane. They’re both obviously made up (like all religion but with the added eye roll factor of being somewhat new, compared to the other religions). I think I would fuck scientology cause , while it seems to basically a ponzi scheme there are a handful of famous people I admire who are into it. I’m not saying that makes it okay but, hey, I could be scientologist for a day and maybe kick in with Beck and Isaac hayes. That’s worth a fuck, at least.
The downside of this choice is that Mormons are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Like, holy shit..they make canadians look like Donald Trump. So, on that level, I would feel bad. That said, their religion is so full of shit and without any hedonistic merit (which is what I’m basing all this on) that I’d have no choice. It’s like scientology without the fun parts. Equally creepy, the further you dig into it but the puritan judgmental aspects of Mormonism would be too much for me. I like premarital sex. I like drinking. I like cursing. Scientology doesn’t give a shit about all that. So, because of those things, Mormons gotta go.
F/M/K The Hey don’t worry, they’re legal, edition”:Shailene Woodley, Jennifer Lawrence, Chloe Grace-Moretz
Marry: Jennifer Lawrence
I mean, I would legit marry her in real life and I don’t really even believe in marriage. J-law is super hot, seems cool (for an actress) and likes to have fun. She’s also a good amount older than these other two so I wouldn’t even feel weird about being with her. I didn’t watch her grow up from a child actor. She was young in “winter’s bone” but, even in that, I was like “Hmm..that girl is kinda hot”. Which is saying a lot cause she was dressed like an 1990’s british rapper that entire movie (tons of carhardt and boots).
I actually appreciate this person even putting J-Law as an option cause it’s the only one I feel 100% okay with.
Fuck: Shailene Woodley
I think I pick her cause I honestly don’t really know who she is. I know she’s been in a bunch of movies that I’ll never see. She seems kinda cute, I guess, in a tom boyish way. But, more than anything, the lack of background knowledge makes me feel less gross about the concept of having sex with her. From the looks of her, she’s not a super sexually charged young woman. She’s not on some Kylie Jenner shit where that’s all she has going for her. Which, in life, is great. In this game? Less so. But still, I guess she’d get to have sex with a disgusting old man AKA me.
This choice is entirely made cause I cannot see her as anything but a child. The fucked up part is that she’s one of those young actresses that , when I first saw her, I had that creepy “Hmm…she’s gonna be hot when she’s older” moments. Thing is, now she’s older but I still see her as a little kid. I guess that’s a good thing for my brain to feel but still…Again, to bring up Kylie Jenner, she also doesn’t seem to ooze sexuality. She more seems like the brooding type. Not my cup of tea. But, mostly, this has to do with me seeing her in a way. She’s gonna be a little kid in my eyes until she’s in her late 20’s. Sadly, in this game, that’s an age she will not reach. DEAD!
F/M/K:Spotify, Youtube, Soundcloud
Straight up, i don’t use it. I know everyone loves it but I’m more the type of person who makes my own playlists, often using music that isn’t available on Spotify. So, really, it serves me no purpose. I’m sure it’s great and , if you wanna hear some new album, it’s ideal. I just have always found my way around that. I’m an old school guy. I still have an I-pod. It’s full of rare songs but little know artists I’ve ripped off of Soundcloud and youtube. Spotify is great but there is a basic bitch-ness to it’s selection that I can’t really mess with. Also, they way they pay artists (me) is pretty pathetic. So there is that too.
A year ago I woulda definitely killed Soundcloud but things have changed. Sure, it’s a wasteland of dudes who want you to listen to their demo. That’s a nightmare. But it’s also easy to ignore. On the bright side, it is a place where pretty much every new artist I fuck with puts up new music. It’s where you hear it first. That’s ideal to me. i’ve heard so much new shit I would never otherwise have known about via soundcloud, it’s nuts. Also, as an artist, it’s easy and fun to use. It reminds me of the good old days of myspace music but better. I’d put my dick all up in that.
This just isn’t fair cause the other two only play music. Youtube is mostly video content. It’s just such a larger scope. Not only is most music on there (The abundance or rarities on there, compared to spotify, is crazy) but you also get endless video clips. Movies, skits, vine compilations , etc…That’s the kinda of thing you settle down with and stay honest too. As long as you don’t read the comment section, it would be the most glorious marriage a person could have.
F/M/K Nasty Porn edition: Chicks with dicks, Bodybuilder chicks, Pregnant chicks
Marry: Pregnant chick
Most brutal choices ever? Possibly.
These are all getting picked by default.
I would marry the preggo girl cause, eventually, she’ll have the baby and be a regular girl again. It’s not forever. But, would I be the kids dad then? I mean, pretty sure I didn’t get her pregnant. That’s a whole lot of drama but it’s still better than the other options.
Fuck: Body Builder chick
Ughh…I’ve been on tinder for a few weeks and the amount of grossly buff cross fit/weightlifting girls on there is amazing. It’s truly unattractive to me. It’s crazy cause it turns the female form into boxy and, sometimes, fat looking. Like, I don’t doubt these girls are strong as fuck but it leaves many of them looking like spongebob square pants. These you got the actual body builders…who are basically men but one thing is missing…that dick. It’s for that reason I would reluctantly choose them to have sex with. God, i really would not wanna do that but, at the very least, they have a vagina for me to put my penis in. My frightened, jacked up viagra penis. in a way, these ladies are far more masculine than the Chicks with dicks but that dick is a big hump to get past.
Kill: Chicks with Dicks
Like I said above, it’s all about the dick. I don’t want one of those things near me in a sexual manner. If this was Blow Job, Marry, Kill I might change my tune but it’s not. It’s FUCK. In this case, that could mean one of two things. I fuck her in the ass or she fucks me in the ass. Those are just huge “no go” options for your boring friend. The fucked up thing is I’ve seen some really beautiful Transexuals in my lifetime. Like ones who you would never guess were packing heat down there. But the second that dick would pop out? I’m gone. Sorry. All respect due though. Just not my thing.