Oh Really, Uberfact? Vol. 5

Uberfacts is a twitter handle that spews all sorts of info all day. Some of it is valid, some is useless, other stuff is totally debatable.
Uberfacts, how do they work? I like to imagine a few dudes in a cubicle just making shit up but I suppose there is a science to it all. I like to bring a few of their facts to light as discuss them like an adult would.

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I remember when I first went to college, I was exposed to all sorts of new lifestyles. Like, i knew what a vegetarian was but a vegan? Never seen that before. (Keep in mind,this was the early/mid 90’s). The most shocking lifestyle choice I came across at that time was the straight edge people. A bunch of white dudes from the suburbs with shaved heads and x’s drawn on their hands. Looking at them, they were seemingly a bunch of skinheads who went clubbing the night before. I couldn’t have been more wrong. There was a straight edge guy on my floor in my dorm and I just kinda assumed he was a punk rock kid. Little did I know that his whole existence was not drinking smoking, doing drugs and…having sex. That one threw me for a loop. I realize not all straight edge guys follow that last part but this guy was dedicated. I remember, sitting in the common area of the dorm just grilling him about it all. Not trying to be a dick but generally curious that someone would choose this lifestyle. Beyond just that, that someone would promote it, as opposed to just living that way a shutting up about it. I mean, I drank in high school, but I didn’t smoke or do drugs. I also barely had any sex but that wasn’t cause I was making a statement, it’s cause I was a teenaged coward. I remember speaking to this guy like “Wait, so why not just don’t do those things and live your life? Is the fashion statement necessary?” He came back with some convoluted response about society and how he’s taking a stand. I dunno. I kinda checked out to be honest.

I bring all that up cause , seeing the word “Sapiosexual” all over Tinder had me scratching my head in a similar fashion. I am totally out of the loop with some of this dating site lingo. I quickly learned that TS means transexual but, outside of that, I kept seeing Sapiosexual pop up and thought it mean maybe it was a person who fucked food or a person who was only turned on by cavemen. So, I looked it up and learned it was people who are sexually attracted to intelligence. Oh….okay. So, basically,  on this dating site based on peoples looks, these people are here to tell us nothing gets them wetter than a beautiful mind.  Now, I’m in no way saying people aren’t attracted to intelligence. I mean, shit, didn’t Stephen hawking cheat on his wife? That’s real deal. But I’mma need these tinder Sapiosexuals to cut the bullshit. Lemme see them , swiping some dude in a lab coat who looks like George Costanza. I have the sneaking suspicion that, by intelligence, they mean a tall , handsome dude with a beard who knows a little about craft beer and has a decent mind for movie trivia. Cause none of these hipster girls that put that in their profile are hanging outside college laboratories in tiny skirts looking for mr. right. Sorry nerds.  Sapiosexuality is a cute idea and, on some level, it exists but it’s some false hope for all those truly brilliant, socially retarded types out there looking for love.  I’d imagine it’s like real gluten allergies. Only 2% of the people who claim it ACTUALLY have it.

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This is one of those “Man, I am outta touch” moments. I thought Wiz Khalifa was just that dude who made “black and yellow” then he kinda slipped into the background. Artists like him, Tyga, Meek millz…I don’t know a single person who actively listens to their music. And, if I did, I’d be like “Why?” Nothing against their music. It’s, um…fine I guess. But when people settle for the most basic shit out there, it makes me wonder if they realize they have options. All those dudes are lamer versions of better musicians. Why not just listen to the good version? No one’s putting a gun to your head and forcing you to like anything. The fact Wiz holds a record for most plays anywhere is insane. More than Kanye? More than Drake? Hell, more than Mumford and sons? It’s just not something I woulda seen coming. While I’d like to dismiss this all as classic Uberfacts bullshit, it’s probably true and I blame teenagers. I always blame teenagers. You motherfuckers are the worst.

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Man, those are some good odds. I’m not one of them, as I can barely touch my toes but, hey, more power to you if you are. This all raises the question: If you could, would you suck your own dick? I think it deserves a poll.

Now, sucking your own dick is a tricky topic. First off, even if you can do, I can’t imagine rolling yourself up in a ball a scarfing down your own cock would be very comfortable. Secondly, it really challenges a mans sexuality. It’s your dick, but it’s still a dick in your mouth. Is that gay? I dunno. I’m sure some will argue that it’s no different than jerking off but I’d say that’s short sighted. Hands and mouths are different things. Like, for instance, if you have to wipe your ass using your mouth (somehow) I’d imagine we’d live in a world of bidets everywhere. The act of fellating yourself has two parts, the beginning and the end. I feel most dudes would give that first part a whirl cause , hey, it probably feels great if you can remove the thought that you are, in fact , sucking a dick. That second part though…that’s the test. Do you bust in your own mouth? Surely that’s a line being crossed. Do you give yourself a facial? I’d think an enlightened man might do it just to put himself in the position of a female for once. Also, what if a dick in your mouth just feels “right”? I feel as though sucking your own dick is a pandoras box for any man who’s even remotely confused with his sexuality. In a way, it could be a way of learning about yourself. I bet that’s a scary prospect. Either way, I’m glad I can’t touch my toes.

(Side note: If you have sucked your own dick, I wanna interview you. I’m 100% serious. Email me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com and I’ll send you some questions. It will 100% anonymous when I post it and I will never give up your name in any way. This is a fascinating thing that could make for an amazing article. Don’t be shy. Let’s talk, bro. )

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Ohhhh, Uberfacts spilling those beans! Uberfacts all by the water cooler , coyly sipping their coffee, darting glances both ways before leaning in to say “girl, did you hear about Nicole? She said her and Tommy never felt right!” *giggles insue*.
I feel it should be noted that the word “claims” should never be used in something that’s based on “facts”. I don’t doubt Nicole Kidman was never comfortable with Tom Cruise. Arranged marriages will do that to you. But, I dunno, maybe Uberfacts needs to bring it in a little. Stick to telling me that a group of bears is called a “slurth” (i made that up) or that the average teenager ingests a gallon of sperm before they reach 18 (also, made up). At least that’s based on some reality. Talking about an actresses feelings? Come on, Uberfacts, EVEN you are better than that.

5 thoughts on “Oh Really, Uberfact? Vol. 5

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