Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 48

Hello there. have a seat on my brown leather couch. Tell me your problems.
it’s time once again for “Ask Dr. Tony”. That’s me. Ask me. I’m not licensed to do anything but I do think I’m a level headed person who’s not afraid to give complete strangers honest advice about their messed up lives. If you’ve got a problem that needs a fresh perspective, holler at your boy. It’s all anonymous. Email questions to me at: or leave the questions in the comment section. I’m here to help and , trust me, you guys probably need it. We all do!

So i’m currently working in the agriculture fields, I do general labor work n stuff. My bosses son, who I have a little crush on (we’ll call him D) works there, but not daily, once in a while.
Last year was my first year there. At first we didn’t talk, but after a while we started talking, we became cool. We’d have little conversations while he’d help me with work.
This year he hasn’t worked much, he’s gone maybe like 5 days. Anyways, a few weeks ago I mentioned to him that I was gonna go to a concert. He kept asking questions about it. Who I was gonna see, who I was going with, where it was etc.. So today, he worked and asked if I had gone to the concert. He mentioned how he feels he hasn’t done much with his life. So he asked me when the next time was that I was going to another concert, so I mentioned one that was coming up and he said “I’m up for it!” Then he said he had wanted to go with me to the previous one but didn’t wanna ask and be awkward or make my brother mad lol (we all work together) my question is, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
By the way, Before the concert talk I asked him how life was and he said “he had situations that had him confused” something like that..

Is he just being cool and friendly? Or is he trynna get at me or something? ALSO..he has a child. His dad has mentioned it before. I’m not sure if he’s with his baby mama or not tho.
Should I hang out with him and go the concert *if* he happens to be up for it? I like him, he’s cool, don’t strongly like him, more so infatuated lol
I need your take on this..

You trying to get the, let’s call him, “D”, huh?
It’s hard to say for certain but it sounds like someone who is trying to hang out with another person. When this happens and it involves two people of the opposite sex, it generally means that, yes, he’s trying to get at you on some level. As much as it may sadden some of you ladies out there , men don’t typically try and generate new “friendships” with women they just met. Sure, they may eventually go that way but if a dude is asking you to hang, it’s cause he has designs on you on some level. The only other thing I could see would be if he’s just really bored and doesn’t interact with people who leave the house much. Outside of that, this is a classic example of a dude looking for an in to hang out with a girl. The fact he mentioned making your brother mad seems to solidify it all.
So, yeah, if you’re into him, all you gotta do is hang out with him. Seems like a done deal to me. Just as long as it doesn’t get you fired from the weed harvesting job you and your bro have. That’s what “Agriculture” means, right?

Ok, let’s take it from the top. I meet this girl around the holidays at a party. We click pretty instantly. Nothing serious, just extremely playful and flirty. I do not hook up with her this evening, or even the next evenings over about a 6 month period. We have a lot of the same friends and attend the same functions, so we’d see each other often. I would just randomly see her around town, and we’d always just vibe off each other really well. I’d make her laugh just as much as she makes me. I think it was pretty obvious to our peers (and ourselves) that we wanted each other really bad. Over time we begin to plan seeing each other, hang out at each others houses, and just become good homies, rather than good acquaintance s. Inevitably, we start hooking up….it was very passionate, natural, and just plain awesome. Well, this lasts a couple of weeks. For some reason she just begins to ignore me for about a week, and I finally confronted her about it. She gave me this super vague answer about how she “didn’t want to break it to me” and then the exhaustively repetitive lecture of how she still wants to be friends. I was crushed bro, and that pain resonated for a while too…of course, I’m still forced to run into her quite frequently around town, and we jive just like old times! Parties with lots of friends to talk to, and we’re just in each others faces like no one’s in the room. People always think we’re together. She actually came over last night, hung out for a while with my roomies and I, but didn’t stay. And when I told her I wished she would’ve stayed she got all salty with me. I don’t get it, nor do I blame myself. How can you not have feelings for a beautiful girl that you get along with better than anybody? She told me it’s not me, she just doesn’t feel for anyone, ever. Like she’s not capable of putting herself out there to love or be loved. But when we’re together I could swear there’s something there from her end…..WHAT GIVES?!?!

It could be a few things.
It’s possible you guys hooked up and she simply wasn’t into it. Like, the spark wasn’t there for her. I don’t doubt she likes you as a person but that happens. Even when one person feels one way, it might not just all click for the other person. So, her cutting it off was just a way of ending it without having to explain that to you, which would be hard and brutal. Again, she likes you as a person so it would be understandable to avoid that convo , so you can remain friends and she can spare your feelings.

Another possibility would be that she’s just not emotionally available. She says she doesn’t feel for anyone ever? It sounds a bit like a sociopath but it’s possible. I tend to think that sort of statement is speaking on something much bigger than her real feelings. Like she’s damaged goods and this is how she copes. Either way, you’re not gonna convince her to feel differently and the more you push for this thing, the more she’ll most likely recoil.

Is it also possible that maybe part of the reason she’s acting like this is cause there’s someone else in her life? Often, when people make themselves unavailable or have sudden switch flips, it’s cause they have someone else on their mind and they’re willing to drop anything else over the slight chance of that person coming back into their lives.

I’d say you gotta just back off. Be friendly but have no expectations of ever being physical with her. You never know, that aloofness could actually turn out to work in your favor. She may no longer see you as a dude who’s jocking her super hard and then be more comfortable hooking up with you again.

Hey Dr Blockhead!
I’ve been developing this electronic music project with a friend for a while. While it’s still dance music, it’s a little bit on the weird side.
I like the music and I enjoy playing it. We recently started performing, and every time we perform we have to face the fact that half of the crow leaves the dance floor. On one side I enjoy what I’m doing, but on the other I feel like I’m not doing my job, which is, in that context, to entertain. Should I adapt my performances because of this? As a producer turned performer, do you have any advice for that?

You gotta find a happy medium there. Either that or commit all the way to a sound and say “fuck this crowd”.
With finding the happy medium you gotta take the music you make and up the energy for live shows. When I started doing live shows, I did an hour long set that was about 35 minutes of down tempo stuff. It didn’t take long for me to realize that doing downtempo music in front of a crowd was a huge energy suck out of the room. Even people who were fans of me would just stand there and stare. However, the upbeat parts of my set would always go over well. So, I aimed to somehow maintain my sensibilities and aesthetic but with a slightly raised energy level. Speed everything up enough to make it something people can at least bob their heads to. Thing is, you can’t make everyone happy but , as a performer, it’s gonna make you happier to see a crowd enjoying themselves instead of looking like they’re in a group K-hole.
As for the “Committing all the way” option, this is just you staying the path. It’s certainly riskier and typically only works with artists who have a strong fan base already. It means just doing what you wanna do and letting the crowd take it or leave it. It’s bold, depending what kinda music you make, but it could pay off in leading to having crowds who are legit there cause they love your music and they wouldn’t want you to change for them.
Those are your two main options. Good luck and godspeed.

Okay, so here my question dr Tony.
I’m in relationship for almost 2 years now, we live together for almost the same time.
We’re not having sex for few months. Before that we did maybe 1-2 times in month. It all started after 6-8 months of us being together.
He told me he love me back after 6 months. He has drinking problem, but he doesnt seem to notice that. I hoped that he would see it for now. He has a daughter from last relationship. Im 24 years old and I guess I just can’t take all this anymore. He makes me sad most of the time.
Obviously we like each other, we know each other wer well, but its just not there anymore. Im walking around the house topless or even naked and it doesnt seem to make any difference.
Why? What is going on with him? What happened, how can I change that? Im out of ideas and hope or what so ever.

Sounds like this dude has problems in his life. The drinking definitely doesn’t help. I’m guessing he’s much older than you. It just sounds like he is.
Sex drop offs in relationships can happen for so many reasons. That said, a drop after only 6 months is pretty fucking fast (no pun intended). If you were like “we’ve lived together for 4 years” I’d see it more.
Perhaps you guys rushed into this all too quickly. I mean, moving in together right away is never a good look and, honestly, for a relationship to stay fresh you do need a little space. ESPECIALLY in the beginning.
Sadly, I don’t think there is much you can do. Walking around naked won’t change anything cause the problem isn’t you. It’s him. Whatever he’s got going on in his head is beyond how you’re looking one particular day (unless, of course you have had you physical appearance drastically change in the last year or so). If the sex only was regular for 6 months then it fell off, I’d guess he’s not into sex at all. He’s probably very depressed or something. It’s sad cause, when this happens (and it happens ALL THE TIME in relationships) the girl takes all the responsibility upon herself and it shatters her self confidence. They think being extra “sexy” will refuel the flame but, often, the dude is already checked out and that’s that.
Regardless, I hate to say it but it’s most likely not going to get better so you have to make a choice. Luckily you’re still very young so perhaps getting out sooner than late isn’t the worst idea.

1 thought on “Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 48

  1. I had two recent dating experiences that left me very confused. The first one was with a girl I had met through friends a couple times – really cute and super smart. I got her number and met for drinks. It went really well and we agreed to hang out again, but she was kind of flaky about texting back so I asked a mutual friend what was up and he told me she has a boyfriend (which she neglected to mention the first, second, and third times we hung out).

    Fast forward about a week later and I’m on a date with someone from okcupid – another cute, smart, cool chick. Again, I thought it went really well. We were both really into the conversation, making each other laugh, telling stories, etc. She invited me back to her place but then hesitated at the last moment because she was worried what her roommates would think, so we agreed to hang out another time. Since then, she’s been sort of flaky with the texting too. I invited her to something on Thursday but she said she had plans and then didn’t suggest another date. I want to ask her out again but after the last time I’m suspicious. Do you think this girl has a boyfriend too? Seems less likely since she’s on a dating website, but who knows.

    Any advice you could give would be much appreciated.

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