I got my notepad out and stethoscope on. Ready to change lives. Welcome to “Ask Dr. Tony”. This is where readers with real life problems ask me, a niche hip hop producer who dropped out of college, for advice. Why me? Why not? I don’t know you, have no reason to lie to you and, most of all, I’m a level headed guy who will do my best to steer you in a sane direction. if you have problems in life and love, holler at me. it’s anonymous and can’t be worse than asking your dumb friends who are probably sick of hearing about it anyway. email me questions: firstname.lastname@example.org or leave them in the comment section below. I’m here to help…and , sometimes, make fun of you if the mood strikes.
Let’s check this weeks batch…
I had two recent dating experiences that left me very confused. The first one was with a girl I had met through friends a couple times – really cute and super smart. I got her number and met for drinks. It went really well and we agreed to hang out again, but she was kind of flaky about texting back so I asked a mutual friend what was up and he told me she has a boyfriend (which she neglected to mention the first, second, and third times we hung out).
Fast forward about a week later and I’m on a date with someone from okcupid – another cute, smart, cool chick. Again, I thought it went really well. We were both really into the conversation, making each other laugh, telling stories, etc. She invited me back to her place but then hesitated at the last moment because she was worried what her roommates would think, so we agreed to hang out another time. Since then, she’s been sort of flaky with the texting too. I invited her to something on Thursday but she said she had plans and then didn’t suggest another date. I want to ask her out again but after the last time I’m suspicious. Do you think this girl has a boyfriend too? Seems less likely since she’s on a dating website, but who knows.
Any advice you could give would be much appreciated.
If online dating has taught me anything is that’s people, in general, are flakey. Whether it be cause they’re insecure, not interested or actually busy…people be canceling plans all over the place. It’s just the nature of how things work. Don’t take it personally.
There is something great about canceling plans. Especially dates with people you don’t really know. There’s so much anxiety and fear that comes into play when meeting new people. Both parties are nervous. Both want to meet up but also know it would be easier to just stay home and watch tv. It’s just the nature of online dating. I would say persistence is key but I’m not even sure. I’ve found just being relaxed about everything is good. Sure, you will lose some possibilities along the way but better that than be the guy who’s texting all the time and coming off crazy/desperate. If it’s meant to be, it will be.
I went on a date with this super cute girl a few months ago. we hit it off and I felt the date went very well. Very similar to what you seem to be describing. We mad tentative plans to hang again but we were both busy and , when that time came again, she canceled. Haven’t seen her since and it’s okay. Shit happens. Maybe I’ll see her some other time or maybe I’ll never speak to her again. The point i’m trying to make is , when dipping your toes into the world of single life, people are gonna come and go and you have very little control over that. You just gotta roll with it.
Another aspect to this is that you never know what’s going on in their lives. For all you know, the second girl you went on a date with was dating a few other people and she started really liking one of them before you got a chance to plant your flag, so to speak. That’s not only possible, it’s likely.
Basically, like Jay-z said, on the the next one. Chalk it up as experience. Just don’t burn bridges unless you have to , cause you never really know who will pop back into your life and when.
Hi Tony, what would you say to this: My brother has been hearing voices and displaying skitzophrenic behavior at an increasingly worse rate for the past 5 years. My Dad pays for his apartment and life that consists of isolation, painting, and making music that all sounds like trance designed elevator music. The guys getting crazier and crazier all the time and is now making threats of physical violence to my mother as well as strangers in public for things he has imagined that they have done to him-things like coughing at him and honking their car horns at him. My parents are resentfully divorced. My dad is afraid to put him in the mental hospital because he’s an academic pussy and promised my brother he would never do that or put him on medication-he believes it will make my brother a fat zombie…(trust me i think it’s a bull shit excuse too).
So my dad decides to leave for a month to Europe to bang his stupid Spanish wife. Now my brothers starting to get real fucking crazy.
So what the fuck would you do tony. Call the cops on your psycho brother and hurt your dad (who is a figure in your future career path) or do you just stay the fuck out of it and let the shit show happen and forget about it.
Goddamn dude…that’s a quite the pickle. I say that cause , once possible violence is bought into the picture, these things ramp up incredibly. I mean, I’m not a huge “medicate your problems” kinda guy but , at the same time, some peoples mania needs to be tamed. If it turns the psychotic possible criminal to a docile zombie than maybe it’s for the best. It sounds like your dad is just not willing to accept the reality of his child. That’s not unusual though. My question is “where does your mom stand on this?” She’s the one who’s being threatened so, if anyone has the right to call the doctors up to take him away, it’s her. Perhaps you need to talk to her and have her handle it all so 1)it will put your brother out of reach for the time being 2)It won’t be your doing and your dad can’t really hold it over your head.
I’m assuming your parents aren’t friendly so what’s the harm of your dad being mad at your mom? So he can hate her more than he already does? Seems like a safe bet. And, beyond that, once your brother is in a facility , perhaps they can begin to address his needs and your dad may come around a bit if he sees improvement.
Or not! The fact that your dad is an “academic pussy” leads me to believe he can , at the very least, be reasoned with. Academic pussies tend to pretend to be open minded and cerebral. Hopefully he is like that. Good luck. This all sounds like a total shit show.
I’m hesitant to join Tinder (i’m college-aged). You and a lot of people I know have recently taken to it. I’d ideally find my potential partner on my own accord and not through a commonly-used-just-for-hook-ups app (though there are some respectable people on there). My friends say that they enjoy it just as a social experiment or as an ego-booster. What do you think? Should I just get over myself and take the plunge into it?
TINDER IS NOT SERIOUS. It is what you make it. You wanna go on there and find a soul mate? You probably can. You wanna go on there to find someone to piss on your while you chew a dog toy, that can also be arranged.
I get the hesitance. It is a “hook up” site but, you know what, it really isn’t anymore. All you gotta do is write that you’re “not here for hook ups” and that’s that. Trust me, I left swipe every time I see that horse shit.
But here’s another way to look at it. Tinder (and other dating sites) are not the end all of meeting people. They’re just an additional tool. You can still go out and meet people like a normal human being. Tinder won’t stop that.
When you’re on tinder at first, it becomes an obsession. You’ll spend hours just flipping through people. But, two weeks later, you will be a zombie about it and a care infinitely less. That’s kinda how it works. After a while, it becomes some shit to do when you’re bored that rarely has any consequence. Maybe you’ll get a match that interests you , maybe you won’t. The pressure and excitement wanes incredibly.
Might I suggest looking into okcupid? It’s way more tailored for something of substance. The settings are way more exact and there is actual info on people so you can make an educated decision. After all, Tinder is basically a video game.
I’d also add that I’m very much opposed to college aged people settling down for the long haul. I’m just saying, you’re extremely young and have a lot of life ahead of you. Getting involved with someone you might marry now could be the biggest mistake on your life. Just saying. Talk to anyone who’s been in a relationship over 10 years who grew up in the last 40 years…they’re miserable. Trust me, that shit can wait.
im newly single after being in a relationship for almost 5yrs.. i made a profile on a dating site so i could go on some dates and meet some men to take my mind off the breakup and get some male attention (just being honest!) so i met a guy on OKC that i had already met IRL like one time thru a friend and he would actively talk to me on twitter..but i didnt really kno him type of thing…so i immediately felt comfortable meeting up w him and i did..
he is really nice and successful, has a great place, and is super tall, and pretty attractive and eats the pussy sooooo good like damn..
but i can tell that he is starting to fall for me pretty hard by how much time he wants to spend together..
and im just not very good at communicating so i tend to just ignore more and more which is totally fucked up but i do not think i could see myself committing to him. im still healing from my previous break up and wanting to get out there and have some fun…
how do i tell him that i really just want to come around from time to time to sit on his face and not be all couple-y
in the nicest possible way
The best way is honesty. Tell him, in the nicest way possible, that you’re not in the right head space for anything serious right now. I feel like guys, in general, can both understand and accept that concept. Probably cause we’re generally the one imposing it on others.
When you tell someone like that how you feel, you’re basically putting the ball in their court. You’re saying “this is how it is, are you in or out?”. If they are in then , great. you have set the ceiling for what the relationship is and they have agreed to abide by it. They know the rules and , if they follow them, things will be fine. If they are not into it, no harm done. You can amicably part ways and chalk it up to bad timing. Who knows, maybe down the line things will work out when you’re both in a similar head space.
The “I like hooking up with you but i can’t date you” line is a tricky one but it’s also common. just make your case in a sane and sensitive manner and see how he responds. Worst case, you lose a good pussy eater. Lucky for you, there are pussy eaters everywhere. Life will go on.