Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 47

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Well, it’s that time again. “Fuck/marry/kill” is back. Get excited…or get mad. depending who you are, I suppose. This is that game. I must choose one of the three options to fuck, marry or kill. So simple. So stupid. So right.
As always, I must put this disclaimer here: THIS IS NOT SERIOUS. There are plenty of things to take stands against in this world that matter and this is not one of them. The only reason I don’t do men in this is cause I want to not fuck them all equally. So, please, save the vitriol for something more worthy.
Anyway, if you have some interesting f/m/k options, put them in the comment section. I always need more.
Okay, let’s bust this out…

F/M/K:avant garde musicians- joanna newsom, bjork, m.i.a.

Marry:Joanna Newsom
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Of the three options, she’s the one I know the least about and I think it’s working in her favor. All I know is that she’s tiny, cute and plays a harp. You know who else is tiny, cute and plays harps? Angels, bro. But, beyond all that, she’s probably pretty chill and, for real, it would help my sleep patterns greatly if someone would gently play me to sleep with a harp a couple times a week. Would that even be on the table? Perhaps that’s asking too much of my little wife but, hey, I can dream, right?

Fuck:M.I.A.
M.I.A.
I’m not a huge M.I.A. fan. Like, in general, I’ve never loved her music. I’ve always felt like I’m a year or two too old for whatever she’s doing. That said, the girl is definitely pretty and the right amount of crazy that could translate into good/almost scary sex. Like, I imagine she might have sex while holding a machete or something. At the very least, she’s making finger guns during sex and going “bo! bo! bo!” when she climaxes. While that would be odd, it would make for a good story at the very least.

Kill: Bjork
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Easily my favorite artist of the three and just an incredibly talented women in general. Unfortunately, this isn’t “Iceland’s got talent”. This is the hard nosed, take no prisoners world of “fuck/marry/kill” and , sometimes, it just isn’t fair.
Now, Bjork was adorable. Super adorable. But she has three things going against her:
1)She’s the type of crazy that doesn’t excite me. She once kicked a paparazzi so hard in the balls, his testicle burst. Like, turned to liquid. She literally busted his nut. That kind of rage is fucking terrifying to me.
2)She’s not exactly “sexy”. By this I mean , she’s very cute but it’s not the kinda cute that makes me want to be romantic with her. It’s the kinda cute I wanna throw a teddy bear at.
3) she’s older than the other two by a decent amount and , as unfair as it is for an old piece of shit like me to be like this, I’m a bit of an agist. Sorry…I can’t help it.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Sandwiches, Pizza, Burritos?

Fuck: Pizza
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This is a real Sophie’s choice moment right here. I would fuck or marry any of these wonderful foods. They are pretty much the best three basic foods known to man. But, I’m not here for the easy choices.
I would fuck pizza cause pizza is the sexiest. Now, perhaps if I grew up in idaho and was only used to domino’s, I might have killed pizza (that will come in to play with burritos) but being from NYC, pizza is everything and it’s everywhere. It’s never bad. The only thing stopping it from getting a ring on it’s greasy finger is it lacks versatility. But, goddamn, I would wrap a slice around myself and make love to pizza like the world stopped.

Kill: Burritos
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Now, had I grown up in L.A., San Diego or San Francisco, this would be a different story. I’ve had those burritos and they are amazing. Unfortunately, the one food NYC never really got the hang of (until VERY recently) has been burritos. When chipotle is a truly decent option, you’re kinda screwed.
Beyond that, Burritos, as I enjoy them, are the most basic. Meat, beans, rice, cheese, guac , pico and sour cream. That’s it. EVERY TIME. It’s always good but, still, that lack of variety kinda kills it. Unlike Pizza and sandwiches, I can’t just eat a burrito whenever. Those things are huge and quite an undertaking. I gotta plan ahead to really eat one. So, for those reason, I’m forced to kill that burrito. Sorry, holmes.

Marry: Sandwiches
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I choose to spend the rest of my life with sandwiches cause I will never get bored. They variety is endless. From Tuna melt, to italian sub to panini to some basic little ham and cheese type bullshit to bacon egg and cheese…sandwiches are everything at all times.
I will never get bored of sandwiches and, best of all, you could put ANYTHING in a sandwich. I could literally put a pizza and burrito between two pieces of bread and it would be a sandwich. That alone just takes them to another level. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.

f/m/k comedy night: Judy Tenuta, Paula Poundstone, Rosie O’Donnell

Marry: Rosie O’ Donnell
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Much like wesley snipes saying “Always bet on black” in Passenger 57, when it comes to Fuck/marry/kill with some less than appealing options, “Always bet on lesbian”. The idea of marrying a lesbian , to me, is ideal. We’d basically be roommates. Rosie seems cool enough. I guess. Actually, she might be annoying as fuck but , whatever…I could just go to my room and keep living my life the way I want to. That’s the beauty of marrying someone who has no interest in you. I’ll take that over walks in the park or forced family outings with in laws any day.

Kill: Paula Poundstone
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When i was a kid, she was the butt of many many jokes that involved unfunny people and women in awkward blouses. She was the quintessential 80’s female comedian. Devoid of any qualities I could possibly find attractive. Since then, I’ve come around on her, in a way. While I don’t think she’s even remotely funny,I do think she’s somewhat misunderstood and a good person. That said, I’m not marrying her and I’m not putting me penis inside of her (pretty sure she’s on board with both of those realities) so, the only option left is the sweet release of death.

Fuck: Judy Tenuta
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She’s crass and obnoxious. She’s kinda gross in general. But, the trickle down logic of fuck/marry/kill kinda lands her in this place. Say what you will about her but maybe there is something underneath that gruff accordion playing exterior that, perhaps, might be sexually dynamic. Now, I have a feeling she might not be into my gender in that way but, of the three, she’s the only one who I think MIGHT possibly like men so…I guess she’s here by default.

F/M/K: short-shorts / sundresses / miniskirts

Fuck:Short Shorts
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This feels like I should have done these choices in the summer…it would make more sense. Oh well.
Short shorts…they are great. They balance between fashionable, revealing and “Look at dat azz!” so perfectly that it’s hard to deny them. They are “good sex” in the form of pants. Even those stupid high waisted ones all you girls love wearing look good. You really can’t go wrong. The only thing holding them back from a wedding ring is that they’re pretty much all about the fun. They lack the class one might seek out in a wife. I dunno. I’m full of shit. I’d marry them too.

Marry:Sundresses
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I don’t know what it is about sundresses…but they flick a switch in my brain and have been doing so since I was a teen. I think the fact they leave something to your imagination is what puts them over. The other two options are in your face…and that’s great. But seeing a pretty girl walking around in a sundress. It’s what makes playboy better than Hustler. Sure, I like to see it all but letting your mind do the work can be fun too. There’s an innocence to sundresses but it’s also subtly flashing some skin. They just work for me and i think they have longterm value.

Kill: Miniskirts
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Listen, seeing a hot girls in some slutty miniskirt is great but, i dunno…they don’t seem real to me. It’s just too much, in my face. Also, they can be the least flattering of the three options by far Let’s be real, do people even still wear miniskirts? That’s some 80’s shit.
Miniskirts are some shit for the club. And clubs are for fucking losers. It’s really that simple.
Like, if i had a daughter and she wore miniskirts a lot? I’d feel like I fucked up somewhere along the way. At least put on some short shorts like classy prostitute! You’re grounded!
It should also be noted that the type of girls who wear miniskirts have never even remotely liked me so I may just be bitter about that.

New remix! Surrender the Spirit “Control”

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I’ve been doing a lot of remixes lately. Most have been of pop songs that you probably think are silly. Well, today is a new day I recently got a chance to work with Brooklyn based group Surrender the spirit and remix their song “Control”. I’ve been friends with these two for a while and it was a pleasure to rework their already awesome song. Check it out! Something new!

If you’d like to check out their original work, you should do that! Right here…right now.

Answers for questions vol. 260

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Hey! That’s what I imagine that little goat is saying in the picture.
Welcome to another edition of “Answers for questions”. you ask me stuff, and I answer it. I will be honest and try to keep it entertaining as well. If you’d like to join the fun, fire off a question at me…email it to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or simply leave it in the comment section below. Be weird. Be creative. This week has a few good examples…Let’s check it out, shall we?

How did you go about getting signed to NinjaTune/what steps are required in the process of getting your music produced under a label?

The way I got signed to Ninja tune is not a model that would work in 2015. I got signed in 2003 (maybe even late 2002).Back then, people could get signed by sending in a demo or word of mouth. The internet existed but it didn’t have close to the influence it has now. In my case, I made the album first. “Music by cavelight” had been complete for a year or two before Ninja even heard it. A different label had asked me to make an album so I did. They vanished so i was left with this done album and nowhere to take it. My manager took it and sent it to a bunch of labels. One of those labels was Warp records. They had it and were considering it but , ultimately, passed on it cause it didn’t fit their sound. They did, however, pass it over to Ninja Tune. From what i heard, they were playing it around the office for a while until someone over there was just like “Hey, this album is good, let’s sign this guy”. And that’s it. I had a little name already cause of Aesop so, it’s not like I was a complete nobody but, really, I got signed off a demo tape. I’m pretty sure that doesn’t happen ever anymore. If anything, someone might get signed off of soundcloud or cause they have a popular Youtube video. The rules of the era I got signed in do not apply whatsoever to today. So, I honestly can’t tell you the process of getting signed. Furthermore, record labels barely exist in the same way as they did back then so that’s another hitch to this. Basically, you gotta make your own lane and hope it catches on. The dream of “getting signed” isn’t even a relevant one anymore. In fact, look at how badly most of the youtube sensations failed once they got signed. You’re better off putting shit out yourself.

What would you rather give up for life: porn, hip-hop music (besides your own production), or sandwiches?
Jesus what a choice…I honestly would choose any of these on a given day and refuse any of them on the next. It really depends. Porn would be hard cause my brain is 100% wired to need to see that when I jerk off. The days of flipping through a sears catalogue are long gone. And who’s got an imagination anymore? At the same time, in 20 years, will I still be jerking off regularly? So, the long term effects of that would probably be positive. Hip hop is similar to porn. I can’t imagine my life without it but, down the road, it’s not gonna be as important to me. I can’t see myself keeping up with new shit when I’m 60. I barely do that now. Sandwiches are the one option I know for a fact i cannot give up. Those will remain in my life forever. They’re the perfect food and too convenient to ever remove from my existence.
So…it pains me to think about it but I guess porn would have to go. Mainly cause it’s the only option that me stopping would probably be better for me in the long run. Who knows? perhaps it would clear my head and bring on a creative renaissance. Of just a bunch of awkward adult wet dreams. Still, I’d rather have a good sandwich.

If you were forced at gunpoint to either fuck a close family member (sister or mom), or get fucked by a random dude (average, meatwise) you’ve never met, which would you do?

I hate you and your question.
The reality of this is that , under no circumstance could I get aroused to have sex with a close family member of mine. So, in a way, that’s not even an option. it leaves me one choice: PULL THE TRIGGER.
Nah, but I would seriously consider that , over being anally raped. In the end, I’d probably take the raping but when I think of the lasting mental effects that would have on me, it’s a close call. It’s not like you can just shake that off and the next day you’re like “Oh, man , how crazy was it when that dude sodomized me last night? Anyway what’s for lunch?”. The only reason I wouldn’t just take the bullet is cause I don’t really have a leaning towards dying anytime soon. Even less that, say, some dudes cock in my ass.

A few years back, someone posted Prototype on youtube. They also posted Allies in my mind (with vocals), a song called Creepshow IV, and a song called Really real Ft Da Duns. Did you happen to produce any of these songs? I have mp3s of all four.
Just to clarify what this guy is talking about, those are all early demo stuff I did with aesop. Including me and my old group (the overground) rapping. Like 1996-8 i think.
I produced Proto-type and Really Real. Dub L did allies in my mind and Creepshow IV was made by me, Jer and Aesop on some crappy keyboard. I just looked on youtube and literally none of those songs are still up there. Too bad for you guys! Not too bad for me and aesop! I will say that, I kick my best verse ever on “Creepshow IV”. So i wouldn’t even be mad if that one was up.

Considering your love for basketball and hip hop I ask you this question:

If you had to create a DREAM TEAM of hip hop artists similar to the 1992 US Olympic Dream Team, who would each player’s hip hop doppleganger be and WHY?

I have provided the Dream Team Roster for reference:

BONUS POINTS for:
Dominique Wilkins – you can’t say BLOCKHEAD!!! 😛
Isaiah Thomas

Jesus this is gonna be long and boring for anyone who doesn’t REALLY care about basketball and old school rap. I also want to be clear that I’m going for accuracy, not just my favorite rappers. In fact, I don’t even like some of the rappers I’m gonna list here…

Christian Laetner- Mac miller
Cause he’s new and would be there to simply fill a spot. He’d get no burn but still be happy to be included.

David Robinson- Will smith
He’s a goodie two shoes. I feel as though I’m taking away from Robinsons game by picking the fresh prince but I literally couldn’t think of any other goodie two shoes type rappers. At least he made “Summertime”, right?

Patrick Ewing-Grand Puba
Just cause Puba would do those reggae tinged songs every now and then and Ewing was a jamaican NYC legend. Also, I feel both Ewing and Puba are underrated in the larger scheme of things.

Larry Bird- Eminem
I mean, that’s obvious, right? As awful as Eminem is now let us never forget that he was one of the best for a few years. he went past just being a white rapper and was a great rapper. Bird was that in basketball for sure. And they both loved to pop shit.

Scottie Pippen- Flava Flav
i realize I’m selling him short here cause Pipped was incredible…but he was the greatest second fiddle ever. That’s flav. I almost put Prince Poetry of Organized Konfusion here but , when it’s all said and done, for all he lacked in actual talent, Flav made up for in impact.

Michael Jordan- Rakim
Best player ever. he changed the game. It was between Rakim and Big Daddy Kane and I went with Rakim cause Jordan was always serious. Kane was more about the ladies.

Clyde Drexler- The D.O.C.
They’re both one of the all time greats who seemingly get overlooked cause they played/rapped in an era where the greatest to ever do it played/rapped.

Karl Malone- Big mike (of the ghetto boys)
Both were big, dumb rednecks who were undeniably effective.

John Stockton-Big dru ha of the Boot camp CLique
He’s the white guy who was never flashy but always set things up for his people. Sure, Dru ha only rapped once on a record but his presence was felt far beyond that.

Chris Mullin-Mc Serch
White Queens guy who had the swagger before that even was a thing. he played the game his way. Admittedly, i got way more love for Mullin than I do for Serch nowadays but it’s close enough

Charles Barkley- Willie D
Always outspoken and exciting to watch/listen to. They were both tough and didn’t take shit from anyone. Also, both funny. Easily , two of my all time favorites.

Magic Johnson- KRS-1

One of the greats. Both incredibly versatile. Legends. Also, they’re both unfathomably annoying and unlistenable in 2015.

Dominique Wilkens- Lord Finesse

Dominque was the human highlight film and Finesse was the original punchline guy. Both would make you jump out your seat and both are never discussed in all time greats, even though you could make a case for either of them.

Isaiah Thomas- Buckshot Shorty
I dunno. it just feels right…

I recently was exposed to unique Harlem tradition of putting ketchup on pizza. Despite my initial disgust I tried it and that shit tastes great. (It’s just tastes like cold extra sauce) I’m also not trying put it pizza every time either. Where you do you stand on this?

I am familiar with this tradition and I do not ride for it at all. It’s right there with putting extra sugar in your sprite. It’s just unnecessary. I also don’t love Ketchup. It’s got it’s place and time but not on a slice of pizza.

“I sucked my own dick” Vol. 2

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About a month ago, somehow the topic of men performing oral sex on ones self came up. It’s always been something that I assumed no one really did but, like so many other things, it turns out I was terribly mistaken. Apparently, dudes do it all the time. Granted, most of them are feverishly horny teenagers (I’d imagine a casting call for “I fucked a pumpkin” would yield similar results) but still…more than I expected. To me, it’s never been something I’ve even considered. Beyond the idea of having any dick in my mouth (including my own), the flexibility or comfort of the act just seems too difficult. So, i put out the question on social media. “Have you sucked your own dick? Tell me about it…”. Within 3 hours I had like 4 or 5 responses. The first three I posted about HERE. I wasn’t even planning on doing two volumes of this but, fuck it, I had three left over and it’s not like this who concept is any less compelling than it was a month ago. So, dig in and enjoy my interviews with 3 guys who put their own penis’s in their mouth and sucked.

Interviewee #1
Are you straight/gay/bi or other?

I am straight. I did make out with the one openly gay kid in my rural high school once in an effort to make sure I wasn’t blocking something I might enjoy out of my life because of social norms, but as it turns out I just really dig females.

Had you sucked another persons dick prior to sucking your own?

I had never sucked another person’s dick prior to sucking my own, nor, in fact, had I had my own dick sucked. I received my first blow job from myself.

Was the stretching part of move difficult and did it inhibit your movement?

The stretching was incredibly difficult. I was about 15 at and was on the wrestling team at the time, so I was the most flexible I’ve ever been in my life, but it was still a monumental task. I’ve always been a pretty skinny guy, and my dick has been about 7” erect since puberty, but it was still so hard to get that fucker in my mouth that I almost gave up several times. I eventually succeeded by lying on my back, stacking several pillows under my head, then throwing my legs up over my head such that my knees touched the ground on the other side of it. While this did achieve the primary goal of getting my dick in my mouth, it set the stage for a terrible blow job given that I couldn’t really move my head or hips and could only even get my hand on my dick with great effort.

if you’re a straight man, do you think you intuitively knew how to suck a dick just based on what you’d seen and knowing what you like?

I am now 30 years old, so when I was 15 internet porn was practically nonexistent (or at least not feasible to view via dial-up), and I had never had my dick sucked before, so my entire concept of what a blowjob was supposed to be came from the three or four Ron-Jeremy-as-a-fit-young-man-era Betamax pornos I had snuck from my Dad’s stash. I had no fucking idea what I was doing.

Did you do it more than once? If so, how many times

I did it only once, because it turned out to be sincerely unpleasant and exponentially more difficult than the well practiced and reliable act of jerking off.

How would you describe your dicks taste? and did that taste linger in your mouth well after the deed was finished?

It tasted like mildly dirty salt – like someone wore a pair of socks for, like, 30 minutes, dipped their feet in the dead sea, then wrung the sock out and poured that liquid on a fat man’s finger then stuck it in my mouth. The texture was the weirdest part – I could only really get the first three inches or so in my mouth so there was this extremely taught skin towards the back of my mouth then the foreskin was right around the tip of my tongue and lips, so the contrast between the two was pretty strange.

Did you cum? If so, where? In your own mouth, in your face or elsewhere (please specify where)

To this day I’m not really sure how I managed to cum in this terribly uncomfortable and unsexy position with no visual aids, but I did. I came in my own mouth. Eventually, when I realized that my head had no range of motion, I slid my right hand up into this human pretzel I had created and was able to get a few fingers wrapped around the exposed shaft. I only had about 1/2” range of motion in my hips and another 1/2” range of motion in my wrist, so I kind of fucked my own mouth through my hand in shallow thrusts until I came.

I didn’t particularly even want to come in my own mouth, but there was no other option as I didn’t have the range of motion to pull out or really move at all. That taste was horrible, and I have always sincerely thanked women after blowjobs because I remember the terrible consistency and feeling of that moment and understand what a sacrifice they’re really making.

Are you good at sucking dick?

Perhaps I would be if given a sexual preference for men and a dick to suck that was not my own, but based on the evidence at hand: absolutely not.

Do you consider sucking your own dick a homosexual act? please elaborate why, either way.

Not at all. If giving myself a handjob multiple times a day for my entire post-pubescent life isn’t a homosexual act, then putting in the (ultimately misguided) effort to step my self-pleasuring game up by sucking my own dick certainly isn’t. We all want to fiddle with our own dicks, and how we decide to do that has no bearing on what we fantasize about while we do it.

Did you feel any guilt about doing it afterwards?

I felt no guilt, and no regret either, just general unpleasantness as I realized I had a mouthful of my own cum and was in a position that it would turn out to take almost 20 seconds to maneuver my way out of. I think we (men) all know how sometimes you get all wound up about something sexual, then in that moment after orgasm you’re like “wait, what the fuck did I just do and why did I want it so badly?” It was that.

Do you feel as though you give better head to yourself than any other person (male or female)?

I have only gotten worse head once or twice in my life, and each time it was due to a painful accident of some sort; hit a pothole during roadhead type shit. On the whole, my first blowjob, the one I gave myself, was the worst head of my life.

Have you told others about this?

I have told many, many people about this. Probably not in as much detail, but that’s only because they weren’t asking the right questions I guess. In fact, the only reason I was aware of your interview request is that a friend sent me a screenshot of your twitter post asking for volunteers with the words “DO IT” underneath.

I’d be surprised if anyone who knows me well read this interview and didn’t know exactly who you’d been talking to.

Would you recommend this to your friends?

I would absolutely recommend getting interviewed by Blockhead about blowing yourself to any of my dick-bearing friends. However, I cannot in good faith recommend blowing yourself in the first place.

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Interviewee #2
Are you straight/gay/bi or other?
Straight.

Had you sucked another persons dick prior to sucking your own?
Nope l, was about 12 when I was able to do it.


Was the stretching part of move difficult and did it inhibit your movement?
It took about two weeks to get close enough to just barely touch it, and a month to actually get past the head.
It fucked my back up so bad I had to go to the chiropractor for weeks afterward.


if you’re a straight man, do you think you intuitively knew how to suck a dick just based on what you’d seen and knowing what you like?
Na, it was terrible. I felt more like I had a dick in my mouth than my dick getting  sucked. Whackness.

Did you do it more than once? If so, how many times
A few times. Didn’t really thrill me so I gave up.

How would you describe your dicks taste? and did that taste linger in your mouth well after the deed was finished?
Like a salty finger.

Did you cum? If so, where? In your own mouth, in your face or elsewhere (please specify where)
No, it was painful and awkward just to do it.

Are you good at sucking dick? 
Horrible.

Do you consider sucking your own dick a homosexual act? please elaborate why, either way.
It’s like masturbating with your mouth and also your neck feels like it’s gonna snap.

Did you feel any guilt about doing it afterwards? 
I don’t know the meaning of the word.

Do you feel as though you give better head to yourself than any other person (male or female)?
I perform way better in the prone position.

Have you told others about this?
Only close friends and strangers when I’m drunk.


Would you recommend this to your friends.
Absolutely not.


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Interviewee #3
Are you straight/gay/bi or other?

Straight

Had you sucked another persons dick prior to sucking your own?

No

Was the stretching part of move difficult and did it inhibit your movement?

Yes, absolutely. I laid on my back, on my bed, and curled my pelvis towards my head, with my head resting against some pillows. Essentially, the weight of my body was resting on my neck and shoulders. I was able to get the head of the penis and about 1/3rd of the shaft into my mouth; not much room to move my head or neck, and definitely no deep throating. I basically had to put in some serious work with my tongue and lips in order to get the nutt.

if you’re a straight man, do you think you intuitively knew how to suck a dick just based on what you’d seen and knowing what you like?

Yeah, it’s pretty intuitive. Since it was my own penis I was sucking, I could immediately tell what felt good and what didn’t, so I kept going with what felt good.

Did you do it more than once? If so, how many times

Only twice. After the second time, I had gotten over it. It loses its mystique. The position you have to be in is pretty uncomfortable; it’s way easier/more efficient to just jerk off. Sure, it was kinda fun and crazy to have my own dick in my mouth, but it didn’t feel THAT good. I’d way rather have someone else suck my dick or just give myself a handjob.

How would you describe your dicks taste? and did that taste linger in your mouth well after the deed was finished?

It tasted kinda sweaty. I don’t remember the taste lingering. I’m pretty sure I briefly washed it before the sucking commenced. But yeah it tastes pretty much like having any other body part in your mouth. Lots of skin.

Did you cum? If so, where? In your own mouth, in your face or elsewhere (please specify where)

The first time I came on my chin. The second time, I ALMOST came in my mouth, but I chickened out at the last minute and came on my chin. I immediately regretted this decision, because I thought the story would be way more entertaining if I nutted in my own mouth, and I was also genuinely curious as to what it feels like to have nutt in your mouth. So at that point I figured I had already gone as far as to suck my own dick, what’s the harm in tasting some cum? So I picked the cum up off my chin with my hand and put it in my mouth. It was very bland, not much flavor at all. When I told my friends the story, I modified it and said I nutted in my mouth. That was a lie. It made for a better story though.

Are you good at sucking dick?

Not really

Do you consider sucking your own dick a homosexual act? please elaborate why, either way.

No. Think about it: if you’re a man, masturbating is basically like giving yourself (a dude) a handjob. Does that make masturbation a homosexual act?

Did you feel any guilt about doing it afterwards?

No. Right before I did it though, there was a brief moment where I thought “is this gay? should I feel weird about this? does this make me gay?” But I quickly *came* to the conclusion that it’s my own body, so I can do whatever the fuck I want with it, and if I wanna suck my own dick, I will. I’m not homophobic whatsoever, and I’m pretty secure in my sexuality, so I didn’t see any reason to feel bad about sucking my own dick.

Do you feel as though you give better head to yourself than any other person (male or female)?

Absolutely not. Like I mentioned before, my accessiblity was extremely limited. Although I did get instantanous feedback as to what felt good and what didn’t, so I suppose that was a slight advantage.

Have you told others about this?

Yes

Would you recommend this to your friends?

It’s worth a shot. Who knows, you might like it! But I’m assuming 99% of my friends wouldn’t be physically capable of sucking their own dick. But hey, try it out! Maybe you’ll be able to do it. It makes for a good interview on a blog run by a niche hip-hop producer 😉
(no shots fired, I love your music and this blog.)

I made an “I can’t feel my face” remix for fun

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In an effort to both amuse myself and stay sharp, I’ve been dabbling with some remixes of famous pop songs lately. A few weeks ago, it was “Bitch betta have my money” and now, it is The Weeknd’s mega hit “I can’t feel my face”. I can’t stress how fun these remixes are to do. Partially cause it’s just fun to play around with these types of vocals but also cause of the rag eit can bring out of purist music snobs. But ,Seriously. I would do only stuff like this if i had a choice cause I love taking a song and making it something very different.
Anyway, check it out…download it from soundcloud. Tell a friend.

Thanks again to Sam Woolley for the artwork. It’s a good look for me, no?

Answers for questions vol. 259

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Howdy. Welcome to this weeks, answers for questions. You asked so, like the polite man I am, I answered. If you’d like to ask me anything, DO IT! Get creative! Get weird! email me questions to: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. There’s a 98% acceptance rate with these questions so do you worst or best.
Let’s see what this week has in store…

you know how weirdoes upload 12 hour vids to youtube of a gif or short clip on a loop? imagine some saudi oil baron’s 16 year old kid is planning to post one, and the kid is a fan of yours and wants to pay you $1 million for a blockhead original to go w the vid. but the song has to be 12 hours long too, and it can’t loop. it has to have a coherent subject and structure w fresh progressions and unique lyrics in every verse. but it can be about any subject you choose, bc the vid is prob just 12 hours of he-man laughing against a rainbow backdrop. for $1M, do you take the job? what topic do you make the song about? and who do you get to rap on it?
A 12 hour song? That’s insane. That’s like over 12 albums. It would take me years to make that and , as good as the money is, I honestly don’t think I could do it. Especially having it all be coherent. I’m simply not that driven to ever sit down and finish a project like that, ESPECIALLY, if it’s just for a youtube loop video. But, if i did do it, I’d have only one rapper on it: Phife from A Tribe Called Quest. Just let him spit every verse he’s ever written over the beats. That would just be hilarious to subject people to.

Back to my royalties question. Are you able to break down *how* you make money? You’ve been in the producing game for quite awhile. Especially in an industry that will turn against you (more likely your music) in a heartbeat. I’m assuming that everyone who reads your blog really digs your music. You deserve to have the world listen to you. But….they don’t. So, you’ve stayed relatively consistent for over 15 years making music? Can you break down how you’re getting paid?
I make most of my money from touring nowadays. That’s the biggest chunk of my income. Aside from that, royalties (on solo work and stuff with other artists), publishing and random little freelance stuff I get , round out my entire income. Every year is different. Some years I make a good 30 k more than I did the last year. It all depends. I don’t know what I’m gonna make one year to the next. Contrary to popular belief, I make enough money to live off of but I’m hardly raking in the dough. I think people assume that anyone making music for a living is automatically rich , which is hilarious. I’m good but I’m also careful about money. I always have been like that.

What do you predict will be the some of the most copied halloween costumes this year?
Caitlyn Jenner will be #1 and people are gonna have a meltdown over it.
I’m guessing Trump will be a big one this year. That’s lazier than wearing a “scream” mask, in my opinion. I’m sure there will even be “sexy trump” which will be a girl wearing lingerie with a trump wig on. Political people, in general, will be big. Hillary clinton, Bernie sanders. They’ll all be well worn territory.
I could see a lot of people dressing up like the Weeknd. Pretty much anyone who’s entire costume depends on a simple wig is always a good bet.
I could see a bunch of Duggar family based costumes. Like one guy with like 50 baby dolls attached to him. Or a walking “Ashley Madison” profile.
All this is making me think what I’m gonna be this year cause, last year, i killed it when I went as this random puppet i found at a store:
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Me and my buddy love the Party Fun Action Committee album, and it would make my year to hear another one. But I get that you and Jer were just messing around back n da daiz, so I’m not getting my hopes up. But still, if you were to lampoon rap now, which rappers would you tackle? Any particular songs or styles?
I’ve thought about that a lot and , honestly, i think part of the reason it wouldn’t happen again is that I no longer am that tuned into music like I was back then. I wouldn’t know what to make fun of. I mean, sure, we could do a take off on the auto tune special ed raps trend, the silly make up dance move rap trend, the emmitt Otter jug band ass hipster music trend, the EDM dj shit…There’s lots to play with but I don’t feel as locked in to making fun of those genre’s as I did back when we did PFAC. Back then, MTV was still a force. We know how to make fun of Limp Bizkit cause it was on tv all the time. Now , it’s almost like the net is too wide to even really focus on one thing.

How tired are you of people just not accepting that you don’t dig your own style of music? I feel like every episode or two there’s a person trying to maneuver you into the instrumental music scene…
I mean, it’s to be expected. I think people who like certain artists tend to think those artists are going to share the same taste as them. it happens to me all over. Like people assume cause of the people I’ve worked with, that I’m partial to a particular kind of rap when I’m not into it at all.
The whole shock in peoples faces when they hear I don’t really fuck with any instrumental music is so common that it doesn’t even phase me anymore. I feel as though, there’s a decent portion of my fans who A) don’t really understand that I’m older and just don’t have time or interest to keep up with everything out there and B)I’m a rap guy. Sure, I make this kind of solo music but my roots and interest are firmly planted in hip hop. So, electronica isn’t really on my radar. Simply put, i greatly prefer music with vocalists.
it is funny though cause, when I tell people that, their immediate reaction is to try and put me on to some shit that will change my mind. Like “I know you’re not into this genre but have you hear “_______”??!?!”. As if, I’m not a fully formed adult with very particular tastes in music that have been shaped over the course of the last 30 plus years.

Is there anything wrong with saying “they’re going to get gay married”, or should you just say “they’re going to get married” now in 2015?
Is it wrong? I don’t give a shit. It’s just phrasing. Ideally, it should just be “They’re getting married” but if someone says it the other way, who cares? I could see it be like saying “They’re getting asian married” and how that may sit wrong with people but, to me, all that word policing PC bullshit is a waste of time. If someone is saying it in a derogatory way,then they’re an asshole. If they’re just saying it cause they didn’t know better? Life goes on. People are such unbelievable pussies about this kind of stuff nowadays and it actually bums me out. It’s like context doesn’t even matter.