Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 6

Uberfacts is a twitter profile that vomits “truth” all day. Facts, in the loosest definition of the word. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s interesting and most of the time it’s total bullshit based on some study done by some guy. Whatever the case, I still find it interesting and , on occasion, will highlight some of their tweets and discuss them with you. Fun for the whole family!

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Teens, they’re just like us!
You know, having been in a relationship for 7 plus years then being single has been an eye opening experience. The way people meet and communicate has totally changed in that short period of time. Sure, back in the day, i’d go on myspace and leave a comment on someones page. Or I’d write a well crafted private message to get a girls attention. Those were simpler times. As the internet progresses, it seems as if the way we communicate within it simplifies to dangerously stupid levels. I recall, when i was still in my relationship, seeing single people floundering on social media. The amount of discussions that would involve someone “Liking a pic” or “They stopped following me” or “They used to like my pics and stopped…are they seeing someone?” were endless. Keep in mind, these were adults in their 30’s talking. Not the teens that Uberfacts “tested”. Now, i wasn’t blind to this stuff. Even the most married person on earth , who’s involved in social media is familiar with this line of thought. It’s not always based on the opposite sex. If betty from potluck tuesdays stops liking your “brisket of the week” pics, she will be put on notice.

Do you know how many relationships have ended over shit like this? People liking other peoples pics. People not liking this persons pics. “Who are you following?” “Why did that guy write that on your profile?”. It’s fucking insane. For every relationship started or groomed on Instagram and facebook, it kills about 15 others.

I just find it fascinating that these tiny things have become the markers for how another person feels. Cause, really, is there anything easier and less committal than “liking” a pic? It’s literally the least you can do outside of nothing. Still, if i were to go on some girls instagram and like 5 of her pics in a row randomly that is me basically sending a bat signal of “I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU”. It’s similar to wishing someone “happy birthday” on facebook. I’m sure I’m not alone in being mildly selective with who I send those wishes to. I’m not saying I withhold birthday wishes (sometimes I forget or I’m simply not paying attention) but there is a method to it and it’s totally premeditated. What I’m saying is that these pointless and completely simple acts do actually mean something and that’s kinda sad. But, still, like and retweet this post so I know it’s real or I…I…I just don’t know what I’ll do.

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“Shoulda had a snickers, your honor…then that man wouldn’t have had to die”

Did I ever tell you about the time I got yelled at in Jury duty? Probably, but this seems like a good time to re-up that.
So, about 10 years ago I had jury duty for the first time. I had avoided it for so long, I foolishly thought I had beat the system…turns out registering to vote has it’s downsides. Anyway, I go in the first day and sit in a room waiting for my name to be called. It’s never called. So, I go back the next day. Now, if my number wasn’t called that day, I was done with jury duty and my life was better for it. With an hour left in my time, my name finally got called and I was pretty annoyed by that.
I walk into the courtroom with a bunch of other miserable people and we all sit down in rows. A lawyer explains the case to us. It’s an arson case. While the lawyer is talking, I’m barely listening cause I’m trying to figure out a way to get out of being on this jury. Truth be told, i’d make an excellent juror. I have the perfect, even handed mind for it. However, ain’t nobody got time for that shit. I had things to do, like, I dunno…sit on my couch and not be on a jury.
So, I start listening to what the judge and lawyers are saying. Trying to find anything they say that I can turn onto myself to make my a less desirable juror. I could have gone with the classic “i’m a racist!” move but , i dunno…it just felt wrong and, also, I was in a room with a wide varieties of ethnicities and I’m not trying to actually have real people think I’m a racist. Luckily, the judge mentions that the defendant would not be taking the stand for this trial. Then asked if anyone had a problem with that. My hand shot up. The judge looked at me and said “Sir, what is you problem with that?”. I honestly hadn’t thought about that so, being the quick witted genius that I am I responded “Well, I dunno…it just seems kinda shady.” I could feel peoples posture change in the room as I had clearly made myself look like the dumbest motherfucker on earth. The judge paused, looked at me and said “So, you think the united states judicial system is shady?” to which I responded “well, no…but, you know…what is she hiding?”. The defendant herself was looking at me like “Are you fucking serious?”. Then the judge went into a 5 minute lecture of how the justice system works and why people do or do not take the stand, all while making sure I know that I’m a fucking idiot. My asshole was thoroughly ripped but I sat there and took it. It felt terrible but, you know what? it worked. I was home the next day with my ass on my couch and not on a jury.
I like to think, perhaps, if the judge had eaten before that interaction, I might not have been so lucky so shout out to that hungry judge!

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Wait…what? No fucking way, Uberfacts. Listen, I’m buying some of the shit you’re selling but a pill that makes people “Slightly” less racist. So many holes.
First off, what’s the test? Do they walk some white person into a room with a bunch of black dudes and test their pulse? And what’s the sliding scale of racism? “Before the pill, this guy would have murdered his daughter for bringing home a latino man but, now? He will be polite about and simply silently seethe over it in the privacy of his own bathroom”. Upgrade!
“Man, i used to hate asians but then I had a heart attack and my doctor put me on Propranolol. Now , i just kinda think they are only slightly less than me!”
Or what if the user is already not that racist (Newsflash: We’re all a LITTLE racist). Would that person all of sudden start disliking their own race? Can it go to far?
Now, I’m no scientist but it sounds to me like , if anything, this drug MAY cause people to feel slight tinges of empathy. And empathy goes all over the place. Not just based on race. That said, if you have a racist uncle , who happens to have heart issues , looks like you might have a go to drug to give him. Or maybe just withhold it from him cause he sounds like a dickhead and , only then, he may stop posting crazy shit on your facebook wall.

7 thoughts on “Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 6

  1. Well the american judicial system DOES seem pretty shady (take that, Judge!)…but I know that’s besides the point of story.

  2. I’ve taken propanalol before, really drops that blood pressure. I’ve also noticed that when I’m feeling racist my blood pressure goes up. So maybe Uber is right?

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