The next level of marriage

I’m not a “marriage” person. I think the whole concept is pretty antiquated. I’m not saying it doesn’t work for some people but, in 2015, the idea that it is still the expected path for all people to take is kind of silly to me. That said, it’s still good to see people ,who couldn’t marry, get the right to do so if they please. With all the forward steps it’s taken, I think we’re ready for the final step to happen. No, not marrying your cat (sorry, losers) dog, or other animal. What I’m talking about here is different. It came to me one drunken night hanging out with one of my closest friends. We had often talked about jokingly just pretending to be gay and marrying each other just for the benefits. Like that Adam Sandler movie with Paul Blart. Not only would it be bringing together two incomes, better health insurance and a bigger place to live for both of us but we’d have what we both really want anyway: freedom to live the life we both want to live.

Thing is, we didn’t know the rules of gay marriage. Like, how does one “prove” they’re actually a gay couple? Are there tests? Do they make you fellate one another in the office? I’m assuming not cause, you know, that would be ridiculous. But, if it’s just a “how well do you know your spouse?” test, surely most good friends could pass that easily. There’s got to be something cause, otherwise, I would assume straight people would be gaming the system with this idea since gay marriage was legalized. Whatever the case, it got me thinking and the fact we are two heterosexual males should not stop us from being together. We love each other. It’s a bro-love but it’s still the same love (word to macklemore). So, what if “bro-marriage” existed? (as well as the female equivalent , of course). Basically, you wanna marry your best friend of the same sex, whom you have no sexual interest in whatsoever? Then do it. Now, THAT is something I can get behind.

Of course, there are some hurdles that would arise. First is that damn, “sanctity of marriage” horseshit that republicans and christians always harp on. It’s a nice idea….if it were the dust bowl era but in 2015, marriage has very little sanctity. It’s been pissed on, shit on and flipped on it’s ass. Not because gay people can do it now but cause it’s seemingly a disposable act. People get divorced at a higher rate now than ever. People cheat. People get married for green cards. Most commonly, people get married cause “it’s the right thing to do” and cause of tradition even though they both know it’s probably not the best idea. Basically, it’s a farce. So, that angle doesn’t work for me. Hell, the only reason we can’t marry animals is cause they can’t verbalize the word “yes”. Trust me, people will be marrying their parrots in the next 20 years. Only parrots though…maybe dolphins. We’ll see…

The second hurdle is the idea of a marriage not being official until consummated. Now, THIS will be a problem for the bro-wedding movement. It is crazy that, in the old, archaic and puritanical laws of marriage “You be fuckin’!” is a major tenant. As the bro wedding is based entirely on deep friendship, there will be no fucking. Perhaps a “both in the room, jerking off at the same time while not looking at each other” amendment could be added? That could work. I feel like, if you bust a nut in a room with someone, you’re clearly pretty close. I would also like to point out, to the people who think the no sex part is a deal breaker, have you met or spoken to married couples? They have less sex than anyone. So using sex as a meter of love is bullshit. And trust me, within the marriage of bro’s, there will be plenty of sex….just not with each other. And that there is the best part about being bro-married. My husband wouldn’t give a shit if I don’t come home all night. My husband wouldn’t give a shit if I left without telling him where I’m going. Why? Cause he’s my homeboy and we don’t give a fuck. Sure, we’d have plans together. Go out on the town (ladies love two married bro’s) , see movies, get meals together. All the shit married couples do…except we’d be happy all the time. Sure, he might get pissed if i don’t invite him to come play basketball with me but we’d get past that, cause we’re two dudes and none of that shit matters. Who’s to say that kind of love is less real than your mother and fathers? Not me. Cause, chances are, your mom and dad hate each other just as much as they love each other. In that sense, a bro-marriage is superior. I could never hate my dude. I may get mad or annoyed by him but you know that feeling when you’ve been with someone forever and they walk in the room and you’re like “ughhh” in your head? WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.
Then the topic of children might pop up. Well, duh. We could adopt. or not. I don’t really give a shit. But I’m sure there are some bro’s out there who’d be all about it. Sure, that baby might grow up to be a hyperactive slob lacking any feminine touch but isn’t it more about the love of the parents. Love is love, right? Two gay man can raise an amazing chid. Surely two straight guys can do the same. Male/female assholes raise kids all the time so i don’t see a difference. Good parents are going to be god parents regardless of sex or the nature of their relationship.

So, what do you say America? Are we ready? When’s the first rally to legalize straight, same sex marriage? I’ll be the first guy in line, linking arms with my bro, until we can hear the words “I now pronounce you husband and husband, you my give a strong pound to your partner” as i throw the bouquet like a hail mary pass into the rafters of the non-denominational event center we rented out. Life would finally be right. Can we live?

10 thoughts on “The next level of marriage

  1. You inspired me bro, I just gay marriage proposed to one of my bros, totally no homo though bro. Haven’t gotten a reply yet but we’ll see, you’re definitely gonna be invited to the wedding though!

  2. So what happens when you guys meet someone you want to have sexual relations with, who happens to be the opposite sex, assuming you are both heteros. Does this mean you both will be having an affair on each other and be ok with it? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a bond? Or does that mean you both have made some sort of pact to never date anyone again?

    • What? No, part of the deal is we’re basically single on a sexual level. We can do whatever we want cause the other would not care about that. The bond we have is not at all sexual so , obviously, that part would never be an issue. i’d imagine the only problem that would arise would be is one of us actually fell in love with a girl and then wanted to marry her. But, then again, we’re bro’s…so i’d imagine that the other guy would bow out gracefully.
      Also, this is all theoretical. I’m not marrying my buddy.

      • I’m aware it’s all theoretical, my questions are obviously theoretical outcomes as well. (It’s hard to read tones through text) I’m not actually being serious. I was just being theoretically ironic with you.

      • It felt like you missed the entire “We are two straight men who would get married” part, meaning we’d both be fucking up a storm outside of the relationship with women.

  3. The episode “”Mac Fights Gay Marriage” of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia has this plot where Danny Devito’s character marries another dude in the show strictly for the benefits. Shit is hilarious.

  4. ha, love how progressively you think, block. but in all honesty, leave marriage for the fools that still believe in it. i bet just by gaining the marriage label, it would drag the same type of bullshit drama into your bromance. if income and better health insurance are the things you’re after, start a fast food franchise with your homie. those contracts produce way better results without the headache of figuring out who is going to be the bitch. in a marriage, someone will always be the bitch. at chick fil a, you can make your bro the manager!

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