It’s been a while but i think we are all ready for a new edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. All of us except those people who get really mad about it write scathing personal facebook messages to me. To those people i say, you really should just not read this blog. It’s not for you. But for the others? Hi! you know the game. It’s dumb. Frat guys play it. Clearly, this is not meant to be taken seriously so, just a heads up.
If you have any good ideas for me to f/m/k, leave them in the comment section. Get creative. After all, this is volume 48. We’ve covered many bases here.
F/M/K: a molly girl, cokehead, or weed chick?
This was fairly easy for me. While people on Molly can be kind of…umm…gross to be around (I don’t even mean sexually, I mean just cracked out looking) coke girls are that plus the addition of being annoying. I once had a girl stop, mid sex, to do a bump of coke. No bueno, dude. Not only are they annoying but talking to them and dealing with their microscopic attention spans is just the worst. I realize there are many girls who do coke and actually get horny and then have sex , so i suppose that’s a “good” thing but to me? If i can avoid that scene in general, I will.
The thing about coke heads is that , once the ball is rolling with that shit (for that night, or whatever) it becomes the only focus. And I’d never wanna play second fiddle to that bullshit.
Fuck: Molly girl
While the molly girl can be similar to the coke girl she’s also much sweeter and friendly. Coke is a “me, me, me!” drug. Molly just makes you wanna lay around and rub things and you feel great. I could deal with that. Even though, in reality, I kinda doubt I could even have sex on Molly, this isn’t about me. So, perhaps, I wouldn’t even be on that shit. Who knows?
Marry: Weed chick
For many of you, this was the obvious choice. In fact, the idea of marrying a weed girl probably is a dream come true to some of you. Personally, i don’t smoke weed and I think “weed culture” is pretty corny. I’m all for people smoking it if they want to but like all obsessions similar to it (wine, coffee, etc…) people really go a little far with it. So, to me, the idea of marrying a girl who wants to sit around talking about different weed strains and the healing powers of cannabis oil all day is only slightly more appealing that chilling with cokehead girl.
All that said, if it’s just a girl who gets stoned all the time, that’s fine. I can’t totally deal with that. Sounds pretty mellow, actually and think of all the food we’d eat!
The carb F/M/K: rice, pasta, bread
I would actually marry bread. Like, if it were legal. Why not? I know you gluten free people are horrified by that statement but I don’t have your little fucking problem and bread is the best. Honestly, there are so many things you can do with bread but I don’t even need to list them. A freshly baked loaf of bread with butter would have won this off the bat. I don’t even need to get into the world of sandwiches. Hell, french onion soup even can come to the party. Goddamn it bread…I love you so much it hurts.
I’m gonna do these two together cause they are so close.
I almost felt like rice was gonna have to go but then I realized I eat way more rice than I do Pasta. Here’s the thing, I love pasta. I think, in general, it tastes better and it’s the part of better meals than rice. However, I’m at that age where I gotta watch what I eat on some level. Meaning I can’t be stuffing bowls of ravioli in my face with any regularity. If anything, Pasta is for special occasions for me. So, yes, I prefer pasta to rice but my lifestyle does not.
Meanwhile, with rice, that’s pretty much all asian food. That’s latin food. I don’t know why my brain doesn’t think rice is as bad as pasta but i do know that when I finish a hearty plate of pasta I feel like I need to sit in a wheelchair for a few hours and when I eat some rice dish, it’s never that debilitating.
This is one of those rare f/m/k’s where you gotta kill what you love for your own good. Cause, man, if i sat around fucking pasta all day? I’d be a mess.
F/M/K: Brandy / Mya / Amerie
Bro…If I were to remake that movie “Weird science” , starring me as the those two virgin nerds, when it came time to cut up all the magazines and construct the perfect women, I’d skip the buffalo bill style of taking eyes from here, a nose from there and lips from there. I would just find a picture of Amerie’s face and that would be all i needed. It’s my shit. Why she didn’t become as big as Rihanna I’ll never know. I realize it sounds I’m basing my decision to marry her entirely on her face but I also like that she never became a super star diva. She’s probably humble and has a good head on her shoulders because of it. And if she doesn’t? I’ll just stare at her face all day anyway.
I think what I’m saying is, if any of you look like Amerie, Holler.
It’s funny about Mya. I’ve always felt she was overrated. Dudes talked about her like she was the hottest girl ever. I thought she was pretty but, you know, nothing too crazy. Then I realized her appeal is that she’s like the pretty girl you go to school with. She grows on you. After a month of sitting near her in class you realize she’s probably the sexiest person on earth and you can’t even explain it. It’s probably cause she’s nice to you and let’s you borrow her eraser when you don’t have one. You’re a huge dork, btw.
When you’re older, a girl like Mya is more like a good friends girlfriend or a friend of you ex who you get to know and secretly fall in love with. You can never be with her but, goddamn, you still day dream about killing all obstacles, in your dreams, while you sadly masturbate to them.
She’s boring. She was always the goody two shoes kind. Her brother is Ray J, which means that bloodline is tainted anyway.
I think brandy is very pretty. Always have but it’s kind of a Taylor Swift situation with her cause she just can’t be sexy. It’s just not her nature. There is something very church-y about her. Put her in sexy clothing, she looks wrong. She’s probably very sweet but, i dunno…her competition is simply too strong. Hell, I always picked Monica over her back in “The boy is mine” days and things don’t really change.
F/m/k-Sense of sight, Sense of taste, Sense of hearing
Kill: Sense of taste
This is the worst one i’ve ever had to do. Like, each of these things represents something I truly love. Taste…food. I love food. So very very much. It’s one of the great joys in life for me. I’m a frugal man but I will spend major money on a meal if I know it’s good. However, the other side to killing my sense of taste is that, eating makes me fat. delicious food is never that healthy. So, in a way, if I were to not taste anything, I could finally be truly healthy. I’d eat all that organic horseshit that people love that has like 15 calories per pound. It wouldn’t matter. Food would literally just be fuel and I would need the bare minimum. So, i chose to kill this for the health reasons. It still hurts though.
This is hard. I want sight all the time. Not only so i can watch all the things I watch (movies, tv, reading, girls) but basketball. I play basketball 3 times a week and , without sight, that’s a wrap. Again, something I truly love being stripped away from me. But, i guess if i can “fuck” sight then I can see it once in a while. it’s better than nothing. Again, these options are pure fucking evil.
I mean, shit, it’s my livelihood. Sure, making beats blind would be hard but if stevie wonder can do what he did, I can figure out how to do something infinitely easier without seeing a computer screen. Beyond that, I need to hear things all the time anyway. Music. I need music. conversation. I need that too. Being blind would be the worst but at least, with the sense of hearing, I feel like I wouldn’t have to live inside my own head as a deaf person. I’m not trying to base what i do on the vibrations of the earth, bro.