Let’s talk Tinder (Female Edition)


man on a bed

A While back, I wrote of my experiences on tinder as a newly single man. Here is that article for reference. As a man, I know that what I experience on tinder is nothing compared to what girls go through. Shit, just the other day, a girl I know sent me a screencap of her Instagram dm’s and it was literally a bouquet of dick pics sent to her by strangers. It’s crazy. So, I asked my good buddy (and Rogglecast podcast partner) Pollyne AKA po_lite to give me an idea of what it’s like to be a lady on Tinder. Not only did she do that, but she bought photographic examples. God bless her heart. So, here’s Pollyne , Talking tinder…

LET’S TALK TINDER

I can give you one word to sum up Tinder for a woman, EXHAUSTING. Honestly, even the thought of writing about it is exhausting; must be why i conveniently forgot Tony asked me to give him a female perspective on it back in the summer.
I have deleted Tinder sooooooo many fuckin times; and not in the way that you delete the phone number of an unhealthy hook up but in the way that you eventually cut off the drunk guy at the bar, who comes in every week. I download it out of boredom thinking that maybe it will be interesting and within a few weeks i am so disappointed with it that i delete it to make space on my phone for a kim kardashian game or some other worthless app. Why i keep re-downloading is more about my desire for self harm but that’s a whole other post, perhaps something to ask Dr. Tony. So, if i can reign this in enough and focus on some basic reasons why i swipe left i may yet show you what it’s like for a lady on Tinder.
First off, this app is exhausting for women because our desires are naturally more complex than most men. We see Tinder very differently than men do. Look, I’m not an idiot, I know the intent of an app that shows you 5 pictures of someone with a stoopid tagline about how much they are free-wheelin good time havin, fun honky tonk types or whatever, but there are easy pitfalls for women on Tinder. We find ourselves either looking for someone who is our physical ideal or someone who can attracts us with their dynamic personality, because let’s face it, we are also innately more physically attractive than men. This is problematic for me because if i can shop for a fuck, or for love, I’m gonna go for the good stuff.
It might happen that i could meet a few of these tinder prospects out at a bar and be more forgiving for a night or two but if im in the comfort of my own home with my sweatpants on and my fantasies intact, sober and alert, I’m not going to go for fat Brad Pitt or a bald dude in a Capt America shirt two sizes too small for his santacon bod.
But Hey, even me, on my super judgmental throne, at home, will eventually get bored of being picky and say ‘what the hell’ to a shit load of people. Honestly, depending on the mood i’m in, i could right swipe a skinny, lonely, milk-toast ,teacher, pedophile-lookin muthafucka.
So here are some pics of people i’ve denied virtually and a few I’ve humiliated via Instagram. God bless their souls.

1. Unattractive Pic
wine spill
This is obviously the most common reason to reject someone. Tony touched on this and i dont understand why it happens so often but most people put up unflattering pictures of themselves. The nuance for women is that so many things can be deemed unattractive. Like a guy who posts only pics with girls in them to convince you that women will be seen with him, clearly wasted dudes, to a guy posing on a bed like he’s crouchin on a surfbort.

2. Overtly Athletic or Muscular Guys
skiing
The idea that a dude would make me engage in some extreme sport (any sport) on a date makes me get the heebie jeebies, and if a guy looks like he can bench press me, that sends the signal to my brain that he could also easily rape me or roll over onto me in his sleep and suffocate me to death. i’m not goin out like that.

3. Manicured Show Stoppers
soulful bracelets
Any guy that looks like he might stop traffic or has been on the Sex & the City tour is not going to get a positive reaction from me. I dont like the idea that a dude i’m hooking up with might spend more time putting his ensemble together than me or know more variations of the color orange than me.

4. Serial Killer Types
shirtless
You would be surprised at how many guys don’t even care to hide the fact that they would murder you if you went out with them.

5.Cut & Paste Messages
how was you wednesday
I’ve received multiple messages that look like they were copied off of dating one-liner books with the name of the woman he sent it to before me still in there. i have also received multiple messages with insane grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. It may seem harsh to judge someone on these things but when someone is this inattentive to reeling you in imagine how lazy the will be when goin down on you.

6. Guy Who Obviously Is in a Relationship
shirtless messy bed
Of course it’s possible to hide this but there are dudes on Tinder who are so obviously on a work trip in a hotel away from some sad woman who settled for him in high school/college/or the next cubicle over.

7. Guys Lying About Their Age
old guy
This happens tooooo much on here and is soooo absurd. I dont understand people who lie about their age but it’s not jsut for women anymore. hahaha. everyone is vain self hating and pathetic these days.

8. Soulful Musicians
guitar
When TV has exhausted a stereotype then it’s gonna look pretty silly in real life when you try to pose with your guitar lookin like some Jason Mraz type bitch. May as well just put up a pic of you bartending, it’s way more attractive.

9. Guys Trying to Impress
operation
Ummm Yeah you in that classy suit, you work in a suit shop, surgeon in the middle of operating…hmm isn’t that a lawsuit waiting to happen? Fireman leaving the scene of a fire with clear PTSD…yikes

10. Sleezebuckets
redneck
Obviously guys who look like they could be on the SNL skit with Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd who play two wild n crazy guys (look it up ignoramus) or a night at the roxbury or a mullet head redneck or skrillex lovers or pomade addicts are never going to put a woman at ease.
(pic of dude in plaid blazer and redneck mullet dude)

Putting a woman at ease; really that’s the whole trick to getting into a woman’s pants. make her feel attractive listen to what she says, make her feel comfortable, be slightly witty and if you can’t do that be really clean and you will get laid.
It’s not that difficult, and most women are not set on dying alone like me. Good luck fellas; Hang in there ladies!

jerk

4 thoughts on “Let’s talk Tinder (Female Edition)

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