Ask Dr. Tony Vol 52

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Hi there. Let’s play doctor.
No, not the kind where you get awkwardly fingered…I’m talking about real psychological help from a person with absolutely no background in that field. Why me? Cause I’m a stranger. I have nothing to gain by helping you so there’s no reason for me to be anything but brutally honest. My credentials? I’m level headed and not insane. That’s it. But, I’ll be damned f I don’t give some decent advice.
So, if you’d like some help with life and/or love…holler at me. Send questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. It’s all anonymous. I’m here to help. I swear.
Here are this installments questions!

So i’ve been seeing my current girlfriend for a little over a year now, and i think its safe to say that i’m really in love with this person. We both just started college and we both make an effort to see each other as often as possible and keep in close contact, but theres still that nagging fear that, three years down the line, we’ll drift apart. Should i be concerned? Or should i just live in the moment?

This answer could get depressing.
Yes, you should just live in the moment. At your age, the worst thing you can do is think about what will happen down the line. I’m generally opposed to serious relationships for people your age but I also have been there and understand that they’re going to happen. You love who you love, right?
But, in reality, yes…you will probably drift apart. I say this not cause I know you and not only because you’re very young but cause , in general, that’s what happens within most relationships. I hate to turn emotions into a numbers game but, if we’re being honest here, your chances are low. However, this doesn’t mean your relationship is futile. It can work. It wouldn’t be the first time! More importantly, enjoying the “now” of a relationship with someone you’re with and care about is the best part. So, sitting around thinking about what might happen is pointless. I’d get it if you were in your 30’s and real life was actually happening but , dude, you’re still in college. Enjoy the ride. None of the stuff REALLY matters yet. You love her? That’s great. Stick with her until you don’t. Like most relationships that don’t involve children or a pending marriage, just roll with it. Only start questioning shit when you’re unhappy in that relationship.

Dr T, have you ever had a friend that you tried to politely cut ties with who just did not go away? And advice on terminating an exhausting bro-bro friendship that just won’t die quietly?

Breaking up with friends, man…it’s brutal. It’s extra hard cause, unless they do something specifically bad to you , there is never a clean reason to cut those ties. You can’t just walk up to a person and be like “Hey man, we had a great time together over the years but, honestly, I don’t like you as a person any more so…yeah…It’s been fun” *hands him a box of chocalates and card*
I mean…I guess you COULD do that. It would be the honest thing to do and leave no misconception floating in the air. But, let’s be honest, who’s that ice cold? And, when you consider your history together and mutual friends, it’s even harder.
My advice is cowardly but practical. You kinda just gotta phase that person out. Don’t pick up their calls. If they text, don’t respond immediately , and when you do, make it pretty curt. I’m not saying be rude, but don’t try to hard either. It’s no different than phasing out someone you’re casually dating. It’s shitty and a pussy way to go about it , unless you’re ready to tell an old friend, to their face, that you simply do not enjoy their personality, it’s pretty much the only option.
If this is a friend who is in your social circle and you’re gonna see out and about no matter
what ? That’s different. All you can do is kinda remove yourself from those social situations. That’s tougher though.
Or, if all else fails, move. Leave your town and never come back. It’s extreme but it’s definitely the most fool proof of all the ideas.

Hi Doctor,
I watch porn nearly every day and give myself a little pleasure when I do. It doesn’t get in the way of my life but I do get that guilty feeling twice a week.
Should I try to ditch the habit or do it less or keep it up?

A “little” pleasure, huh? What exactly do you mean? COULD YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC, GUY? HEY EVERYONE! Look at the masturbator! What a pervert! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Anyway…Jerking off to porn is fine. It exists for that reason. I’ve done it a million times and never felt guilty about it. Perhaps you’re from a background that looks down upon the act of self love but, well, I’m not. In fact, i think it’s weird if you DON’T do it. Personally, my imagination is not what it used to be so porn is a required part of this act. So, if i jerk off every day, then I’m watching porn every day. I’m not saying I do, but that’s just the math put in a simple form for you.
Here’s the thing about watching porn, you must have perspective on it. If you’re only using it to get off on, then you’re okay. That said, if you’re jerking off like 5 times a day and you’re not a 13-16 year old, you might wanna slow down a bit cause too much of that shit will fry your brain. You over do it and you become one of those creeps who forces girls to do anal and can only cum from very particular things that no one else enjoys doing. That’s never a good way to live life.

I feel as though porn only becomes a problem for people when it engulfs their life. I’ve know dudes who would literally have porn on all the time. Like it was background music. They wouldn’t even jerk off to it that much. THOSE DUDES are fucked up and have a problem. You? Nah, you’re just some guy who jerks off like a normal person. Don’t worry about it.

It’s not a question of if I’ll disappoint her, but when.

A girl I befriended at age 10 (we’re 27 now) and her boyfriend of something like 12 years got engaged (at Disneyland, ugh). They seem good for each other, I guess (both pretty boring)

She still refers to me as her best friend but I know we’ve grown apart.
She asked me to be her maid of honor (actually “matron”, because I’m already married) and I tried to say no but felt pressured and guilted into saying yes. It’s all part of her “plan” It’s happening in October.
I warned her I wouldn’t be good at it. But I couldn’t give her a solid “no”.

I hate weddings. I don’t believe in them. Everything about them is a superstitious waste of money and time and effort. Showers are stupid. Bachelorette parties are extra stupid. Diamond rings are stupid. People throwing thousands of dollars blindly at old-ass traditions they don’t understand. So stupid.

And this couple has crap taste in music (this shit will be new country and top 40 and spice girls and Disney ……)
But she obviously doesn’t know (or didn’t care?) that nothing about this is my jam. This is the opposite of my jam.
(I also don’t drink (guaranteed vomit and crying) but I will have a pocket full of secret joints (the couple doesn’t approve))

So. Do I miserably and trying-not-to-whine-too-much (except to my husband) attempt go through with it?

Or do I buck up and be brutally honest and get fired early enough for her to find a replacement?

Oh god, I sound like such an asshole. Both options fill me with stomach-turning dread.

Sarcastic option 3: kill myself.

I am with you 100% on your feelings towards marriage. Also, you’re married. So, that’s kinda funny. Tax breaks, huh?
Anyway…This sucks for you on many levels. Here’s the thing, being a maid/matron of honor is expensive and time consuming. If you can get out of it in the most simple of ways by saying “Hey, I just don’t have the time to be this involved in your wedding” then that is your out. Being vaguely “busy” is the best excuse every time. For everything. You can be super nice about it and pepper the convo with “But, of course, i will be there for your big day! Wouldn’t miss it for the world” type horseshit and maybe it will soften the blow. From the sound of this girl, she’s got the emotional development of a 12 year old so talking circles around her shouldn’t be that hard.
OR
Just do it. It will suck but it will also be over eventually. I think the only problem with this is that , by doing that, you’re leading your old friend on in a way. It’s telling her “yes, we are still super close friends!” , which doesn’t seem to be a message you wanna send. in fact, it sounds like you don’t even like this moron.
Either way, you got time. I’d go with option A if you’re really bout that “fuck marriage (except your own)” life. But if that’s too rough, you’re gonna have to eat shit and hold some flowers for this girl while she cries in front of her friends and family, as father Goofy marries them on the S.S. Minnie mouse boat.

What’s poppin’ Soundcloud? Part 2

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Keeping up with new music is hard. Especially when you’re old and kinda over everything. I don’t listen to the radio. I don’t use spotify. I don’t have people around who are up on shit to tell me about it. So, i generally find new music online via social media, social networks and….Soundcloud. It’s kinda my favorite cause it’s all stuff that typically isn’t out anywhere else. Suck on that, spotify!
So, every now and then, I like to go through my feed and share what I’ve been listening to with you guys. This is that.
Oh, one thing, before I post the music. If you read this blog , you know that Sparkmaster Tape is my shit. His two mixtapes are some of my favorite music made in the last 10 years. Well, he’s been M.I.A for over a year now. His twitter was silent until yesterday…
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I’m assuming this means he’s back…and I’m fucking hyped. No new music…yet. But this gotta be a good sign.
Okay…now on to the music

Earl Sweatshirt

Earl posted three new songs. 2 are instrumental and this one has vocals. It’s dope. Definitely ready to hear some new Earl after this…

Asaad
This Philly Mc stays busy. I always find him engaging but, sometimes , his beat selection isn’t really up my alley. However, he has been dropping crazy joints on soundcloud lately and I’ve been liking what I’ve been hearing. These are just a taste. If you like what you hear, I suggest you did deeper cause he’s literally been putting up a song a day for a few weeks.



Fresh Daily
One of the more underrated underground heads out there. He’s been doing it for a while and continues to put out quality shit.

Your Old Droog
The Nu Shooz sample is very ill. It seems like Droog been enjoying rapping over some 80’s sounding tracks and , I can’t front, it’s been working out nicely for him.

Izzle mane feat. DP
I don’t know much about this one but it popped up in my feed and I like it. DP is dope.

Mick Jenkins
This is a smooth track. Jenkin’s continues to grow as an artist.

Little Shalimar- The rubble kings soundtrack
My Buddy Little Shalimar did a bang up job making the music for the Rubble Kings documentary.
The original score is crazy and this “music inspired by the movie” album is also awesome. I only posted a few tracks but check out the whole thing. New music from KA and Killer Mike. The album for even more on it.

Answers for Questions Vol. 274

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(pic courtesy of http://ausra-paulauskaite.pixels.com/)

Hi there. Snow, huh? I know, bro….I know.
ANYWAY
Welcome to another edition of “Answers for Questions”. You guys fire off random shit at me and I do my best to spin it back towards you. If you’d like to ask me stuff, go nuts. Email me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. All i ask is be creative. be weird. This is not a job interview.
Okay, let’s peep this weeks batch…

does new york’s sex culture seem different from other places, so far as you can tell? i’ve had many friends (from ages 20-40) characterize the general social climate of the city as very thirsty.
It’s hard to say. I don’t think it’s vastly different from any major city in the US except a few things
1)The girl to guy ratio is almost 2-1
2)There are more attractive people here than in most places
3)bars stay open till 4
4)Everyone is drunk when they are out so it can seem more horny than it actually is
5)It’s easy to be single here

all those things are factors but the sex culture itself? I’m sure people in iowa fuck just like us.

When you order food to go do you tip? I always feel like they expect a tip and hate putting a 0 on the tip line of the receipt. They didn’t do anything special though besides their job of cooking my food and taking my money.

Not generally. If I’d doing the pick up, I’m doing all the heavy lifting. But, inexplicably, I will randomly throw them a buck or two for no reason. I think it depends if I pay with cash or not.
I mean, it’s kinda interesting cause people tip counter people who are basically just doing the same thing (handing you the food/drink you ordered). I dunno. I’ve worked in the service industry and , even with that experience, the tipping culture still doesn’t make sense to me sometimes, outside of the obvious places (waiters, cabs, delivery guys, etc…).

What does a New Yorkian (?) do on New Years? Also what do you call someone from New York?
Are you from the moon? A new Yorkian? It’s New Yorker. There’s a whole fucking pubication called that.
As for new years, a New Yorker goes out and parties like everyone else. I’d say the natives avoid times square but, outside of that, it’s no different that anyone else.
Personally, i went to a party at a friends house this year. To me, the house party is ideal. And a good house party that you don’t want to leave from is perfect cause getting around the city on New years is a nightmare.

Hey, if you couldn’t play basketball anymore (say, because of injury or something) do you think you would take up another form of fitness (like, weightlifting…..or creepy guy in the back of a Zumba class)?
I’ve thought about this before and it depresses me to think about.
I’d imagine I’d just go “work out”. i don’t even know what that entails but I’m sure I’d hate it. Maybe I’d be forced to get a trainer or something. But, man…I would hate that so much. Exercising is not fun when it’s not a sport.
Or , fuck it, maybe I’d just throw in the towel and balloon up , truly living my life like I want to live it for once.

whats your favorite city in australia block?
I only went once but Melbourne was my shit. I wish i could get back there.

If you had to choose between constantly having an itchy asshole for 5 years or having to listen to nothing but Phish for 7 years which would you choose?

Ooof…this is gonna shock many of you but I think I’d take the latter. Discomfort is way worse than being bored by lame music. I’ve become quite adept at zoning out music so it could be on and i would barely notice it. Also, if that was the case, I’d just not listen to music much. Shut it down. Listen to podcasts…or would those podcasts be about phish? Hmm…I dunno.
But, regardless, having an itchy asshole…I’m not about that life.

I think you have said that you don’t see live music very often, but what is the best show/concert you’ve been to?
This is true. I pretty much only go see live music when friends are performing.
The best shows I’ve seen?
Probably Tenacious D or Richard Cheese. Both are comedy music so, yeah…
I will say that the most impactful live show I ever saw was Boogie Down Productions when i was 15/16. I snuck into S.O.B.’s , underage, and got to see the show that eventually became the recording for their live album. It was my first show ever and I was just in awe. But I feel like that shouldn’t count in this question cause of the fact it was my first show and such a momentous occasion. It’s not really fair by comparison.

while you don’t really enjoy listening to contemporary hip-hop instrumental stuff (like you, FlyLo, et al make), do you enjoy them when they’re rapped over? what makes that kind of song good to you? do you ever get bored of what is the consistently old(er)-school sounding east coast instrumental aesthetic?

To clarify, i don’t “Not enjoy” that music. I simply have no interest in listening to instrumental music in general…from any era. That includes most Jazz or fusion stuff from the 70’s. I simply prefer music with vocals. I can listen to a Fly-lo joint and think “whoa…what’s really dope” but never check it again.
So, yes, if someone raps over those beats, i will enjoy them more. When rappers do mixtapes where they rhyme over instrumental stuff, it’s my shit.
As for boredom towards the east coast instrumental aesthetic, if the beats dope i like it. If it’s boring, then I don’t.

I’m hitting the road! Europe!

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SO, It’s about that time again. Time to take the show on the road.
I’m heading to europe for some shows in february. Including one in London , which I haven’t played in since around 2004. Here are those dates:
2/19/16 Birthdays, London
2/20/16 Dom Pechati, Yekaterinburg, Russia
2/21/16 Dewar’s Powerhouse, Moscow
2/22/16 Erata Club, St Petersburg
2/23/16 Recyclart, Brussels
2/25/16 Badehaus Szimpla, Berlin
2/26/16 SAS, Delemont, CH
2/27/16 Alphabet, Tel Aviv, Israel

I also have a north american tour with Elliot Lipp coming for the winter/spring and I will add those dates once they are locked down and ready to be announced.
Come and see your boyeeeee!

Preview Reviews Vol. 12

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Listen man…Ain’t nobody got time to be seeing every movie that comes out. I’ve already made it my life goal to never see the new star wars so it’s not like I’m heading to the theater for just anything. In times like this, I’d rather just watch the preview and base my entire opinion on that. Unfair? Certainly but, you’d be surprised by how on point my intuition can be. So, today, I will be reviewing these based only on the trailers and all the preconceived notions I have about the people involved with said movie. Why not? If nothing else…It’s a time saver for us all.

Pride and Prejudice and zombies

I have this problem. When i see a movie that takes place in certain eras, I tune out. This isn’t specific to one era but #1 with a bullet is anything that takes place in the 1800’s starring british people. It’s nothing personal but I simply could not care less about anything than that 100 year span in that particular place.
This movie , however, must know that I’m not alone in those feelings. I’m not even a millennial. If I don’t give a fuck about that era, they must not even know it happened. So what do they do to spark interest? ADD ZOMBIES.
Yes, Zombies. When your movie is a shit storm that no one wants to sit through, just add a bunch of slow walking flesh eaters. Cause, as you know, motherfuckers love zombies. Or do they?
I mean…there is no questioning that zombie movies took off a while back, leading to “The walking dead” , which was/is a huge success. That said, I feel as though we’re about done here. It’s been covered. Much like when everyone tried to remake the formula of “Twilight” , the zombie movie has been done to death and it’s a wrap. Someone thought they were clever and was like “I know it’s beating a dead horse but…what if we took zombies and threw them in a Jane Austin era type setting…also, GIRL POWER! I see slow motion flip kicks and corsets!”.
I legit imagine movie meetings being exactly like that.
Sufficed to say, this movie looks like it’s the fucking worst and will bomb horrifically, as it should.

Now you see me 2

I am ashamed to say I have seen “Now you see me”. In my defense, having cable and hangovers makes you watch things you normally wouldn’t. If you’re wondering, it was bad. But not just “normal bad”. It was ‘I wish there was someone else in the room so i could look at the like “what the fuck is this shit?” ‘ kinda bad. I literally had to call someone after I watched it, to talk about how shitty it was. That’s rare.
So, to my surprise, they’re making a sequel. The gang is all back! I think…I’m not even gonna lie. I barely lifted my eyes up to look at the screen while it was playing cause fuck this movie and fuck everyone in it.
Sequels are cash grabs. They are rarely good and ,generally, just the original poorly rehashed. So, even when good movies do them, the results are painful. I don’t wanna be a bummer but the chances of Zoolander 2 being good are very low. But this movie? I mean…if it can somehow be worse than the first one? I feel like time may collapse. Everyone in the theater will implode like the house at the end of Poltergeist. So, do yourself a favor and avoid this one, for your own safety.


Deadpool


I feel like, excluding girls who want to have sex with him, everyone hates Ryan Reynolds. I actually don’t have a problem with him. Still, every time he’s in a movie , people groan as if it’s his fault he got cast in it. To be fair, he’s only been in , like, two watchable movies but one of those is the heavily slept on “Just friends” that you should go see immediately. Thing about Reynolds is that he’s a sarcastic funny guy who happens to be super handsome and built like an action star. So, he always gets cast as these hero types but, in reality, he’s much better suited to be Van wilder until the day he dies.
So, there’s that…then you got this whole “let’s make a movie about every superhero ever written” thing that Marvel is doing. I’m not a comic book guy. I’m not a superhero movie guy, in general. But, man, are they scraping the bottom of the barrel. At least they just put Jessica Jones on Netflix. What the fuck is a “Deadpool”? Well, judging from the preview, it’s a new kinda super hero. He got jokes, yo! Lord knows, every good superhero needs some witty tag lines. Luckily for us all, Deadpool is all tag lines. So, expect a whole lot of “Mind if I drop in?” when he flies through the air into a group of bad guys. Depending where you stand, that could be awesome or terrible to you. You make the call.

Dirty grandpa

I can’t be the only one who saw this and immediately thought “Didn’t Johnny Knoxville make this movie?”. But no, that’s was “Bad Grandpa” and this is totally different. The world has been clamoring for a movie where Zac Efron and Robert Dinero do comedy together. Well, world, your prayers have been answered. Finally , 19 year old girls and their surly dads have a movie they can sit through uncomfortably together.
I always feel that movies like this are made specifically for the people in them. For Efron, he get’s to work with a legend. For Dinero, he get’s to go to a beach for a month to film and make some more money. Also, he gets to take a weak stab at having a new generation remember who he is. Spoiler alert: They don’t care.
But, outside of the actors, who is this movie for? There is no target audience here. Which is mind boggling considering this movie must have gone through all sorts of focus groups. This is the film equivalent of throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. Yeah, it’s probably slap against the wall, leave a small stain and plop back to the ground within seconds BUT, PERHAPS, a few chunks will actually stick. You never know! After all, they made a sequel for “Red” so anything is possible.

Yay Or Nay: No More Parties in L.A.

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Kanye West is nothing if not a polarizing figure. The depths in which people hate or love that guy are astounding. I mean, I get it…he makes it easy. He’s talented and a total asshole. I suppose it’s easy to pick a side if you really feel some sort of way about it.
Every time a new Kanye song drops, the internet hiccups for a day. Tweets are fired off. Blog posts (like this one) are written. It’s an “event”.
When “Yeezus” dropped, people were freaking out. Kanye basically made a non-rap rap album with no drums that art nerds could pretend to enjoy while his older fans kinda scratched their heads and pissed on. He abandoned what he had made a career on. The man formally known for making sample heavy ,catchy rap songs was now leaning more towards avant garde noise rap and whatever else his circle had been playing him at the time. Personally, I liked about 3 songs on it. But i also don’t think it’s was the worst. He tried something different and , when a huge pop star that is the focus of pop music does that, I can respect it. If nothing else, pop artists having balls is a rare thing these days so , even if the results don’t work for me, it’s the attempt that counts.
Since then, Kanye married Kim Kardashian , had two kids, had a bunch of Kanye ass moments and kept it moving.
Now, full disclosure, I’ve always enjoyed Kanye the rapper. I don’t think he’s amazing and it’s comical that anyone who raps like he does would ever call himself a genius with such regularity BUT I think he’s clever and entertaining. I think , due to his ego and how he comes across in the media, people wanna hate him more than he deserves. Now, as a producer, I’ve always respected him as well. That said, dude hasn’t been making his own beats in years and is now taking a more Dr. Dre approach to music. He’s a producer in the Rick rubin sense. He’s not flipping through records and slamming away on the ASR 10 anymore. He’s curating. As much as that should bother me, it doesn’t. He’s a world famous dude who’s probably got like 4 managers cause he’s so fucking busy. I think about how, somedays, i have to force myself to sit down and work on music and , best believe, I’m not as busy as Kanye west. I’m not even as busy as North west. but I digress…

Recently he leaked two new songs. I could be wrong but they are both apparently produced by MadLib. Say what? Yup. Now, I don’t know if this song is gonna be on an album or if it’s just something he leaked to whet peoples appetite but what I do know is that Kanye isn’t stupid. He’s hyper aware of the effect he has on pop culture. He’s always on the front end of trends and, in a way, a guy with the power to start them. could this song be Kanye ushering back in the sample heavy style of hip hop he started with? Is so…
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I mean, i don’t wanna get too excited cause it’s not like anyone followed “Yeezus” lead. It more just added to Kanye’s legacy as a risk taker. But , still, is this a turning point? Could it be?
If you’ve somehow missed it, check it out…

Now, stepping back from all the musical connotations and cultural weight that a Kanye release brings, what about the song itself? Listening to it in vacuum…
My buddy Ben Detrick tweeted this yesterday
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and it’s pretty spot on.
This song is just two dudes rapping , with a vague hook over a loop. It doesn’t get more 90’s hip hop than that. That’s a thing i feel like people overlook when delving into 90’s hip hop revival music. Sure, guys like Joey badass capture an element of it. Or older rappers still trapped in that era try and reinvent it , while peppering the new music with more relevant rap trends. But this song? It is basically from 1993 but with rappers rapping about 2016 shit. I’m not mad at that. I also don’t think it’s amazing either but , hey, I’m old and of that era so this does speak to me on some level. So, what do you think? you can vote for more than one choice…

Answers for questions Vol. 273

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Hello everyone. I hoped your 3 day weekend went well. Welcome to another edition of “Answers for Questions”. You ask stuff, I answer stuff. You wanna take part, it’s so very easy. Just email me questions (anything at all) to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section. Be creative. Be weird. I’m bout that.
Let’s see what this week has in store…

What’s the longest you figure you’ve gone without….

eating? masturbating? drinking alcohol? playing basketball? making music?

Eating: I’m an obsessive eater. Meaning, food is always on my mind. I pretty much start thinking of what my next meal is going to be right after I finish the current meal. It’s a wonder I’m not the worlds fattest man. Because of that, it’s rare I have gone without food for any extended period of time. The only time that pops out to me is once on tour , we had eaten an early dinner the night before and had to drive like 9 hours that day so we skipped breakfast. Honestly, it wasn’t even that long a period (maybe like 18 hours) but I was losing my mind. I’m not a moody person at all but hunger is one thing that will make me a lunatic. That and waiting in line behind indecisive people with too much time on their hands.

Masturbating: I’ve gone like a month. Again, on tour. It just wasn’t an option. Was sharing a room with someone and I’m not a guy who jerks off in showers. It wasn’t that bad though. You kinda forget about it after a while.

Drinking alcohol: Oh…months and months. When I had mono at the age of 19. It fucked me up for so long (and it especially weakens your liver) that I just avoided booze for probably 2 or 3 months. Booze is something I have no problem not drinking. I like being drunk a lot but I hate hangovers and I don’t particularly like the taste. So, if I’m not partying , i don’t drink it. It serves one function for me and thats: getting me drunk. A casual drink with a meal or one drink here and there? I simple don’t do that. it’s pointless. Why drink a little poison?

Playing basketball: 9 months. When I was 22 i tore three ligaments in my ankle and that put me on the shelf for a long ass time. I didn’t have health insurance so I never really got the proper care (I didn’t do physical therapy) so I just waited till it didn’t hurt. 9 months. That was the worst.

Making music: I’ve gone long stretches. Maybe 4 months? If I’m touring a lot it’s hard to make new stuff but, often, during the summer, I will get lazy. I don’t work like I used to , in general. Inspiration doesn’t come as often as it did when I was younger. So, i don’t force myself to make music unless i feel I have to. Definitely hit a slump a few years back where I didn’t even turn on my sampler for a long time.


Have you considered doing a basketball-related column? Would you? Just curious, since I’m a fan.

Nah. People aren’t really trying to hear my blab about basketball with any regularity. Also, I’m not really trying to get into punditry. It’s the worst. i love basketball and will go on other peoples shows and talk about it forever but I wouldn’t subject the blog readers to that kinda shit.

Are there certain fashion choices (or other superficial choices) that immediately turn you off to talking to a person? For example, (these are all old and probably outdated), when I saw someone wearing a bluetooth, even when not on a call, I assumed they were a tool. I assumed girls in trucker hats were cornballs. Dudes who wear sunglasses on the back of their necks would be another example. Are there any examples that hit a nerve for you?

Over the years, sure…Many fashion styles rub me the wrong way. Like those tight at the bottom, baggy like diaper pants. Those are the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen. Not a fan of those baggy , ripped up jeans girls have taken to. it makes every lady look like a hobo in a boxcar. What else…I dunno…teenagers…what they wear. The 90’s are back and , while there is something nostalgic about it, it’s still fucking dumb looking.

In general, when people try to much. That’s a wide spectrum but , what can I say? People go out of their way to look like assholes. The way people tend to blindly follow fashion trends has always been corny to me. I’m a person who’s basically dressed the same for over 20 years so, clearly, I’m not on the cutting edge of anything. Still,I feel that some peoples willingness to look like assholes cannot be ignored. All I can think is “they are going to look back on that ten years from now and feel so wack…” I mean, we all have. No one dresses cool in a timeless way.

What’s your favorite venue to play at? Also what is your favorite venue to go see a show at?
I love the Empire control room in Austin. I just always have fun shows there. The energy is great and they have good visual components working at all times.
As far as going to see shows? I don’t really go see many shows. i only see my friends play so I’m either at hole in the wall spots or places where Aesop might play in NYC. I can’t say I have one that I love more than another. It’s all relative.

In the darkest time of your life, what pulled you through?
This is gonna sound like bullshit but I haven’t had many “darkest times”. i mean, i’ve been down and fucked up shit has happened to me but I’ve never been one to wallow in my own sadness. I just don’t function that way. I have a very “It’s out of my hands” way of looking at certain aspects of life. So, things like death of people close to me don’t typically put my entire life into a tailspin. I can be sad and feel a certain way about things but I’ve never been in a hole i couldn’t come out of. I’m too even for that. I also don’t get manically happy ever either so it works both ways. I’m just very level, for better or worse.
To be honest, the most fucked up I’ve been was when my laptop got stolen a few years back and it had two albums worth of music I hadn’t backed up. That was an overwhelming feeling of helplessness that fucked me up. Also, it was my fault for leaving my bag at a bar. That’s the most inconsolable I have ever been…and , lucky for me, I somehow got it back. That in itself was incredible.

What are your thoughts on the 1993 film classic ‘Super Mario Bros’ starring Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper and Samantha Mathis?
I have no thoughts on this movie. I never saw it. If I had to guess, it’s terrible and the only people who like it do so in an ironic manner and/or nostalgia.

Could a girl’s voice ever turn you on? What makes a girl’s voice sexy, if anything?
It’s hard to say. Like, i don’t think phone sex with a stranger would work for me. Cause that faux sexy talk shit is usually corny. I’d say I can pinpoint what makes a girls voice unsexy before i can tell you what makes it sexy. Like a shitty accent. Midwest, boston, philly…that kind of thing will turn me off quick. And a baby voice, like Joey Lauren adams. Not sexy. Wouldn’t want a husky low voiced girl either. I know that kathleen turner type is liked by some but , I dunno…Just a normal voice works for me.
I suppose it’s more in what and how they are saying it then the voice putting it out there.

Demo Reviews Vol. 76

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Man, it’s been a while but Demo Reviews are back. Submissions slowed down to a crawl but I got a bunch recently. If you’d like to submit music, read THIS, follow the rules and send me some shit.
I’m not gonna lie…this is a rough week for demos.Like…man…I dunno who told who about this column but it seems to be heading in a weird direction. Listen to this weeks songs and you will see what I mean. If anything, this week will make many of your bedroom producers feel good about yourself.
Anyway, the reviews work like so. I write a paragraph or two on the song the arbitrarily rate them from 1-10 in the categories:
Production
Vocals
Listenability
Originality

That’s about it. All you gotta do is listen and vote for you favorite at the bottom. Every vote counts…for something.

Artist: Crockett King
Song: Heaven


This is a mellow little joint. strong “rainy sunday afternoon” vibes. The vocal loop is very nice. Bmy only complain is that the track is pretty simple. Just the vocal loop and another part from ,what I’m assuming , is the same song over some quiet , yet effective drums. So, on a listening level, it’s enjoyable. On a technical level, it’s pretty lazy though.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:6 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Fonzsolo
Song: FWM Like I FWY


Well…yeah. I can look at this in a few ways. One way to see it is that it’s a completely boring song that sounds like literally every song out right now. Another could be that it’s a mess. Just this dude meandering over this beat. There’s a hook but it’s the exact same as the verses.
I don’t hate the beat. It’s not great but it’s solid. The rapper is totally just an amalgamation of so many other mediocre rappers its just kinda sad.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:3 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:1 out of 10

Artist: Spontu
Song: Fodder for the globetrotters


Well that takes a turn. The harp into organ transition is a bit messy. I can’t even tell how well they match tonally. I know they don’t meld mood wise though. The whole song kinda continues in that way. Seems like someone arbitrarily throwing samples out there. On their won, the samples are solid but it’s more a question of them working together. They don’t work very well. Being able to recognize pitch is, like, the most important thing when making beats like that. Without that, it’s just atonal anarchy. The last part is by far the strongest though. It melds nicely. More of that, less of the rest.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10


Artist: Ordog
song: Braniac


This is a bizarre one. It’s kinda hard to sit through but I commend the producer on going outside of the box. I feel like this person has a vision and is working towards it. It won’t result in music i will ever enjoy but it will be something many people will gravitate towards. Sounds like someone who started in a different genre who decided to take up making electronic music. It’s not for me, but I’m not mad at it at all.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:6 out of 10

Artist: Jake Aldridge
Song: Pieces of me Ft. Kelly Jenns


How did this demo find me? What? Why?
Yeah…this is abysmal. It’s like an Evanescence demo song or something. Clearly, I could not be less of the target audience for this but, even on that level, it’s not even a good version of what it’s striving to be. The production is clanky and not very refined. The singer is capable but ultimately annoying and the rapper is just corny. Ouch.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:3 out of 10
Listenability:2 out of 10
Originality:2 out of 10

Artist: Alex A
Song: Two funky Honkies


I think every bored rock band has made a song like this. It’s people who kinda like rap but ultimately don’t really respect it as a genre. Even the title of the song is telling. “look at us! we are white…and rapping!”. It’s not 1993. This is no longer a thing that should exist. It’s all in fun and silly but this also just kinda sucks in general.
Production:3 out of 10
Vocals:3 out of 10
Listenability:3 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist:Kendrick Lee
Song: To the max


I’m too old for this shit. I can’t listen to this without thinking “why do you even make music?”. It’s not like it’s terrible. it’s just so incredibly mediocre. To me, that’s worse. Being average. People seem to strive for this. It’s proof that almost anyone can rap and do it , at the very least, passably. The beat is fine for what it is. It’s mix is a little shaky though.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:3.5 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:2 out of 10

Artist: Clay (TBKA)
Song: The games we play


I think this is supposed to be like some video game music. It’s not bad. It builds nicely and there’s some nice attention to detail going on. Not sure when one would listen to this…perhaps playing video games at, like, 5 am? That works. Either way, not mad at this.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

So, what do you think?

Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 7

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Uberfacts is a twitter handle that posts “Facts” on a daily basis. Some are obviously horseshit and others are eye opening truths. More than anything, though, they are great conversation pieces.
In this column, I like to look at a few of these and just meander aimlessly about the topic. If you’re into that kind of rant, guess what? Today is you day!

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Here’s a little known fact for all you people out there who are “fans” of people. Most of them think they’re a fraud. Yup. That cocky rapper who acts like he has a gold penis or that beautiful actress who requests people on set don’t look her in the eye…insecure little pieces of shit. Just like you and me.
Here’s the catch though, they’re right. Luck and timing is everything. Hard work doesn’t hurt. Talent? That’s like a distant 4th.
I’ve always felt like an outsider from the art world in many ways. It’s something I’ve been immersed in from a young age (my dad was an artist) but , to me, the layer of bullshit that goes with it has always been palpable. That layer spans all mediums. Fine art, music, acting, writing and whatever else you can think of. It’s a real “Oh shit!?” moment , in ones life, when you realize this and , personally, I think that’s a good thing. It humanizes everything and also evens the playing field. I don’t get excited to meet famous people. I don’t care about the accomplishments of strangers. If I like someones work, I’ll tell them. I will respect their work, hope they make more and that’s it. It ends there though. The beauty of this is , you can then judge people at face value. I always hear horror stories of people meeting their heroes and being let down when those people are dicks to them. There’s two sides to that coin though. The artist could very well be a dismissive prick OR the fan might be an overbearing asshole who doesn’t understand the rules of human engagement. I think we, as people, give to much credence to people just cause they’re good at this one thing. Especially where arts are concerned. I get it though cause the art of other people is one of the few things you can put out there and make complete strangers feel something outside of themselves. While people like teachers and doctors are far more important to humanity, nobody is watching a surgery and weeping cause it was so beautiful. But that is the reason why artists are revered the way they are. People connect to them from a distance and in many different ways.

One song can mean something different to 100 different people. Then those people take that feeling and feel a kinship with that song. They discover the music of the artist and start feeling like that person “gets them”. Then they go to their show. Heart in their hands. Listening to every moment , in awe of this person who they deem “better than” themselves cause they were able to unlock a feeling inside of them. After the show, they’re gushing and want to tell this person how they feel. They wait in line by the merch booth and when it’s finally their turn, they nervously rattle off a laundry list of how this person has changed their life. The artist stands there, barely absorbs what’s being said and possibly says something to the effect of “yeah thanks, keep it moving”. The fan is confused and let down. Why? Cause it turns out the person they elevated on to the pedestal was just a normal jerk off just like everyone else who happens to be good at this one thing. Meanwhile, the artist knows this to be true and it so aware of it, it makes him/her act out towards the people who worship him/her. It’s a brutal cycle but the point remains. We’re all just people. None of us can walk on water. As big as they may seem, every person who makes art of value knows this about themselves and questions themselves constantly. Even Kanye. Yup…Even Kanye.

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Rich people can be the worst.
I’m not saying we need to live in a socialist society but if you can afford an Aston Martin that runs on wine, surely you can swing some dough toward people with needs. I mean…think of how much wine that wastes? Can you imagine how happy a bunch of homeless drunks would be if , instead of pouring that in your car you drive once a year, you simply roll up on them in whatever alley they’re chilling in and drop off a couple of cases of fancy wine princes drink. Sure, it’s not helping their situation. In fact, you’d be enabling like a motherfucker but, whatever, it’s more respectable that using it to make one of the most expensive cars on earth move.
With this billion dollar lottery going on tonight, people are losing their minds. Having a car that runs on wine sounds like something a drunk sorority girl would think of when someone asked her “Hey, what would you do if you won a billion dollars?”. Meanwhile, prince charles is really out here doing that shit. Making up weird money wasting fantasies to match his fantasy ass existence as a “prince” in 2016.
I just feel like, when you have so much money you can no longer think of ways to spend it, spread it around. Donate 300 million to cancer research. Build housing for the poor. It’s literally a drop in the bucket and all you have to do is write a check. And trust me, I’m not a guy who gives to charities. Those people stop me on the street for whatever cause they’re shilling, I walk by like i don’t even see them. However, I’m not rich. I need all my money to live my life. You best believe that, if I won a billion dollars, after i covered all the things i want (Mainly, a home with a full court basketball gym in it), I’d spread the love. First thing I’d do? Buy that Wine fueled Aston Martin and drive it off a cliff cause fuck you and your wine car, you aristocratic piece of shit.

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If technology has done nothing else, it’s enabled cowards. From faceless trolls on the internet to “outraged” losers who chime in whenever they feel a slight tinge of being offended. It is THEIR time to shine. So, it only seems right that you can pay someone money to break up with your significant other. I recall a time when doing it over the phone was considered bad. Now, from what I hear, people get dumped via text like “Hey, we’re done. OKTHX BYEEEEEE” and that’s totally okay.
The idea of having someone else call, email, or text a person on your behalf is both depressing and brilliant. No one likes breaking up with people. Hell, think of all the relationships out there that are just floating along miserably cause both people are too complacent to look at one another and say “Eh, we gave it a try but I loathe every thing about you at this point”. That’s like…70% of long term relationships. Yup…your parents too.
So, the concept of this timorous company could, in fact, be a good thing. It’s direct, clean and there’s no room for misconception of what’s going on. Yes, to be on the receiving end of such a thing would be infuriating and offensive. However, break ups aren’t fun ever. No one wants to be dumped. But that’s how it works. One person wants out and the other is forced to deal with it. It’s shitty and messy but if couples only broke up cause they were both unhappy equally, what kind of society would we live in? So, instead, hire this faceless robot to do the dirty work for you. No more are the 3 hour talks where two people rehash the same arguments that have been plaguing their already damaged relationship. No more talking in circles. No more meticulously trying to find the least offensive way to tell a person you’re not into them anymore.
If technology has given us anything,it’s options. And one of those options is to be gutless and selfish. If that’s your style, well praise the lord cause you’re living in the perfect era. The only thing holding you back are compassion and dignity. If those two things aren’t on the menu for you, congrats! You have arrived!

Answers for Questions vol. 272

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G’day everyone. Welcome to Answers for Questions. if you don’t know what this is by now, i feel like it’s not even worth explaining. Also, self explanatory.
If you have any questions you’d like to ask me, fire away. Send them to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Be creative. Be weird.
This weeks batch is a good one. Definitely one that will probably annoy a few people…which is always fun.

What are your rules for dating a girl who has kids? How many kids is too many? What if there are multiple fathers involved?
Personally, and this will sound terrible, I’m not trying to date anyone with a kid. Probably cause I’m not in a place where I’m looking for anything very serious and I feel like , when there is a kid in the picture, the stakes are way higher. I’m not trying to fuck over some single mom.
So, my rule? I don’t do it. That may change down the line but, for now, that’s where my head is at.

I am a fan of rock as well as hip-hop. You mentioned Max Fish and I follow Sergio Garcia, the bassist for Deftones, on Twitter and it looks like he has a regular gig DJ’ing there. I guess he is friends with Shannon from Activator, who has been a long time, from what I can tell, friend of the Def Jux crew. I’ve heard some Activator and it seems like straight up metal. Can you explain the nature of this relationship(Def Jux/Activatior/Deftones)? Also, what are your two cents on Deftones? They are probably my favorite hard rock band, and I know El-P/Cage did a song with Chino on Handsome Boy Modeling School. I am rambling here…haha…feel freed to construct your answer with whatever about this that strikes you as worth discussing. 😉

I don’t know sergio but Shannon is my good friend. He is one of those old NYC guys who just knows everyone from all walks of life. He met the Def Jux people from just being around and working at Max Fish. He and El become good friends and then Shannon was his hype man for a bunch of years. Jux was also gonna put out the Activator album but the label folded before that could happen (I think…I’m not 100% on the timeline of that).
As for the deftones, I’ve never heard them. To be honest, I don’t get into metal so , in general, i’m clueless with regards to most of the genre.

What up Block,

So i been wanting to hear your thoughts on this for couple reasons. One, you from NYC Two, you write funny ass articles Three, im guessing this shit would annoy the fuck outta you and id like to hear you roll off about these ppl.

So I work in Saudi Arabia (from USA) but get limited contact with anyone outside of my coworkers (minus internet) cus this country is ass.

Therefore im constantly around the same 14 guys everyday. Breakrooms, work,van to work, everyday.

One new guy (british) will NOT shut the fuck up about 9-11. Bush did it he works for montesanto group. Masons this etc etc. guy is mid 40’s and talks to himself in circles about 9-11 conspiracy theories non motherfucking stop. To quote him talking to himself in the van “just like all these fools who think 9-11 really happened, wake up you muppets! It was bush…..buncha sheep oh my lord”. The rants continue and are endless.

So my questions:

1.You being from NYC, what’s your opinion as far as conspiracy surrounding the 9-11 attacks?

2. This youtube obsessed conspiracy theory guy. How do you suggest i get him to shut the fuck up? He likes rap n there are literally 2 other ppl in this country i know that listen to rap so I tend to ignore his rants n give him passes / leave rooms when he tangents.

3. Do many new yorkers share this British guy’s 9-11 opinions?

Personally I dont think it was an inside job and if it was, this fucking guy has no proof but youtube videos.

1)I think those conspiracy theories ,and most of them in general , are complete bullshit. People who obsess over them are bored as fuck and seem to be spiraling out all the time. I wrote a post about this very topic a while back:
https://phatfriend.com/2011/11/09/conspiracies-maaaaaaaaannnn/
2)there’s no use arguing with a person like that. At best you can be like “Okay guy, we get it…”
and hope he realizes what a crazy person he sounds like and just stops. Sadly, from your description, i doubt you’ll be so lucky.
3)Sure. People all over believe that shit. And the fact they base anything off youtube is hilarious. That’s like citing a think piece for a research paper.

Thoughts on Porzingis? Do you think this kid will save New York Basketball?
He’s awesome. On so many levels. Where he save NYC basketball? Can’t say but he will help it for sure. His ceiling is insane. Like a much more athletic dirk who can play defense (with a slightly worse jump shot). He’s gonna be an all star in the next year and for a decade to come if he can stay healthy. Definitely will be a great centerpiece to build around for the Knicks.

What do you think of PETA?

Ohhh, you’re trying to set me up. i see you.
Well, I’m all for the ethical treatment of animals. That said, I don’t give it ANY thought ever. Like, the other day, I posted an instagram pic of a dude with a tat that read “Vegan” , eating a hot dog. Some guy flipped out in my comments about the treatment of animals used to make food and I was just like ,dude, I’m glad you have your convictions but I truly and deeply don’t give a fuck. AT. ALL. It’s just not a cause I’m invested in. Also, i love eating meat and nothing based on emotion will ever sway that. At the same time, i’m not in favor of animal torture, obviously cause, you know, I’m a human being who’s not inherently evil.
But, as for PETA as a group, i find them to be overbearing and annoying as fuck in how they do things. It’s one of those cases where someone is on the right side of an argument but they’re such dicks about it , it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like, they seriously got upset of some squirrels being skinned in the movie “Winter’s bone”. Pick your fucking battles, brah.
Now i patiently await someone in my comments to fly off the handle about something I just wrote…and that’s okay. Go nuts, guys.

What happened to Steady Bloggin? I used to check that site all the time, but nothins been posted in months. Thought you might know
I think it just kinda faded out , as blogs often do. These things are often labors of love so, unless you’re really dedicated to it and have tons of free time, they will all end eventually. It’s the people getting paid for it that can invest that time.

What are some of your greatest fears?
I mean, dying some horrific way is obviously in there but it’s not really practical. That’s something you can’t control.
In everyday life, my fears consists of getting into a conversation with someone I dislike and being stuck with no means of an exit. That happened to me a few times over the last month and i legit felt what a panic attack must feel like creeping up on me. Like I had to close my eyes for a moment and collect myself mid convo.
Really being trapped anywhere. Like being buried alive but in a more social situation. Other fears include:
I fear that rats get into my house. That terrifies me.
I fear something bad happening to my dick.
I fear that working as a musician will cease to be a viable way to make money.
I fear NYC will be washed away in the next 20 years.
I fear todays youth are making the world one big gaping vagina and it’s gonna come back at us when we actually need to stand up and be about something that matters.

That’s about it though…

Who are some of your favorite writers? I’d love to hear about any “classic” literature you like as well as current/modern/informal writing like your own.

I don’t read books. I simply don’t enjoy it. Never have. I’ve tried. I’ve read fiction, non-fiction , various eras of writers , taken recommendations from friends who know me and…nothing. It just doesn’t take. And i’m not saying i can’t read or comprehend what’s on the page. i literally get bored and drift off within a few pages. I can read a book, know what went on, capture the nuances of it but , 2 days later, not remember a thing about it. No clue why I’m like that but I just am.
My “writing style” is informal cause it’s based on nothing. it’s me rambling. I talk how i write. There’s no method or planning. It’s stream of consciousness to the max. That said, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t wanna read my writing either.