Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 7


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Uberfacts is a twitter handle that posts “Facts” on a daily basis. Some are obviously horseshit and others are eye opening truths. More than anything, though, they are great conversation pieces.
In this column, I like to look at a few of these and just meander aimlessly about the topic. If you’re into that kind of rant, guess what? Today is you day!

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Here’s a little known fact for all you people out there who are “fans” of people. Most of them think they’re a fraud. Yup. That cocky rapper who acts like he has a gold penis or that beautiful actress who requests people on set don’t look her in the eye…insecure little pieces of shit. Just like you and me.
Here’s the catch though, they’re right. Luck and timing is everything. Hard work doesn’t hurt. Talent? That’s like a distant 4th.
I’ve always felt like an outsider from the art world in many ways. It’s something I’ve been immersed in from a young age (my dad was an artist) but , to me, the layer of bullshit that goes with it has always been palpable. That layer spans all mediums. Fine art, music, acting, writing and whatever else you can think of. It’s a real “Oh shit!?” moment , in ones life, when you realize this and , personally, I think that’s a good thing. It humanizes everything and also evens the playing field. I don’t get excited to meet famous people. I don’t care about the accomplishments of strangers. If I like someones work, I’ll tell them. I will respect their work, hope they make more and that’s it. It ends there though. The beauty of this is , you can then judge people at face value. I always hear horror stories of people meeting their heroes and being let down when those people are dicks to them. There’s two sides to that coin though. The artist could very well be a dismissive prick OR the fan might be an overbearing asshole who doesn’t understand the rules of human engagement. I think we, as people, give to much credence to people just cause they’re good at this one thing. Especially where arts are concerned. I get it though cause the art of other people is one of the few things you can put out there and make complete strangers feel something outside of themselves. While people like teachers and doctors are far more important to humanity, nobody is watching a surgery and weeping cause it was so beautiful. But that is the reason why artists are revered the way they are. People connect to them from a distance and in many different ways.

One song can mean something different to 100 different people. Then those people take that feeling and feel a kinship with that song. They discover the music of the artist and start feeling like that person “gets them”. Then they go to their show. Heart in their hands. Listening to every moment , in awe of this person who they deem “better than” themselves cause they were able to unlock a feeling inside of them. After the show, they’re gushing and want to tell this person how they feel. They wait in line by the merch booth and when it’s finally their turn, they nervously rattle off a laundry list of how this person has changed their life. The artist stands there, barely absorbs what’s being said and possibly says something to the effect of “yeah thanks, keep it moving”. The fan is confused and let down. Why? Cause it turns out the person they elevated on to the pedestal was just a normal jerk off just like everyone else who happens to be good at this one thing. Meanwhile, the artist knows this to be true and it so aware of it, it makes him/her act out towards the people who worship him/her. It’s a brutal cycle but the point remains. We’re all just people. None of us can walk on water. As big as they may seem, every person who makes art of value knows this about themselves and questions themselves constantly. Even Kanye. Yup…Even Kanye.

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Rich people can be the worst.
I’m not saying we need to live in a socialist society but if you can afford an Aston Martin that runs on wine, surely you can swing some dough toward people with needs. I mean…think of how much wine that wastes? Can you imagine how happy a bunch of homeless drunks would be if , instead of pouring that in your car you drive once a year, you simply roll up on them in whatever alley they’re chilling in and drop off a couple of cases of fancy wine princes drink. Sure, it’s not helping their situation. In fact, you’d be enabling like a motherfucker but, whatever, it’s more respectable that using it to make one of the most expensive cars on earth move.
With this billion dollar lottery going on tonight, people are losing their minds. Having a car that runs on wine sounds like something a drunk sorority girl would think of when someone asked her “Hey, what would you do if you won a billion dollars?”. Meanwhile, prince charles is really out here doing that shit. Making up weird money wasting fantasies to match his fantasy ass existence as a “prince” in 2016.
I just feel like, when you have so much money you can no longer think of ways to spend it, spread it around. Donate 300 million to cancer research. Build housing for the poor. It’s literally a drop in the bucket and all you have to do is write a check. And trust me, I’m not a guy who gives to charities. Those people stop me on the street for whatever cause they’re shilling, I walk by like i don’t even see them. However, I’m not rich. I need all my money to live my life. You best believe that, if I won a billion dollars, after i covered all the things i want (Mainly, a home with a full court basketball gym in it), I’d spread the love. First thing I’d do? Buy that Wine fueled Aston Martin and drive it off a cliff cause fuck you and your wine car, you aristocratic piece of shit.

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If technology has done nothing else, it’s enabled cowards. From faceless trolls on the internet to “outraged” losers who chime in whenever they feel a slight tinge of being offended. It is THEIR time to shine. So, it only seems right that you can pay someone money to break up with your significant other. I recall a time when doing it over the phone was considered bad. Now, from what I hear, people get dumped via text like “Hey, we’re done. OKTHX BYEEEEEE” and that’s totally okay.
The idea of having someone else call, email, or text a person on your behalf is both depressing and brilliant. No one likes breaking up with people. Hell, think of all the relationships out there that are just floating along miserably cause both people are too complacent to look at one another and say “Eh, we gave it a try but I loathe every thing about you at this point”. That’s like…70% of long term relationships. Yup…your parents too.
So, the concept of this timorous company could, in fact, be a good thing. It’s direct, clean and there’s no room for misconception of what’s going on. Yes, to be on the receiving end of such a thing would be infuriating and offensive. However, break ups aren’t fun ever. No one wants to be dumped. But that’s how it works. One person wants out and the other is forced to deal with it. It’s shitty and messy but if couples only broke up cause they were both unhappy equally, what kind of society would we live in? So, instead, hire this faceless robot to do the dirty work for you. No more are the 3 hour talks where two people rehash the same arguments that have been plaguing their already damaged relationship. No more talking in circles. No more meticulously trying to find the least offensive way to tell a person you’re not into them anymore.
If technology has given us anything,it’s options. And one of those options is to be gutless and selfish. If that’s your style, well praise the lord cause you’re living in the perfect era. The only thing holding you back are compassion and dignity. If those two things aren’t on the menu for you, congrats! You have arrived!

5 thoughts on “Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 7

  1. Learned that harsh truth about artists in 01 or 02. My friends and I told El-p how much we enjoyed his work before a show but he blew us off and was pretty much a dick. It;s not like he was busy, he was sitting out in the bar area by himself. Still love what he does but not so much him as a human.

    • To be fair, you gotta take time and mood into account. I’ve heard stories of people saying El was totally nice when they met him. i met him when I was like 19 , during the 90’s, and he kinda blew me off too but, later, I got to know him and he’s a good dude. Just not much for being social with strangers.

      • Oh for sure. I’m not trying to be best friends off of a random meeting at a show but it just kinda soured me and my friends at the time is all. After that I just say what’s up to people at shows give a pound and move on. Although I did chat Alaska’s ear off at a show while I was pretty hammered but he was super cool about it.

    • By all accounts (okay, I’ve heard only like one account) an early 2000 El-P was far more tightly wound than a present day El-P.

  2. NI66A PLZ, 11K SHARK-A-DAY IS LIKE A BILLION SHARX-A-YEAR. GTFOH.

    AND JEW KNO WUTT? ME FROM OAKLAND CA. WHEN U MEET A RAPPER OR PRODUCER OR IGMODEL ON SOME REGULAR LIFE SHIT, LIKE BUYING OR SELLING DRUGS, OR IN LINE AT THE METRO STO, OR AT BURGER KING OR SOME SHIT, ITS NO DIFF THAN MEETING N E ONE ELSE. UNLESS THEY TRYNA IMPRESS A BITCH. BUT IF U MEET EM BEFORE THEY SHOW ON SOME MEGA JOCK-ITCH SHIT, THINK ABOUT HOW ANNOYING THAT WOULD BE? I DON’T EVEN HAVE AN ANALOGIE FOR THAT. THIS DUDE HAS NO PERSPECTIVE TO WHY IT MATTERS THAT HE MATTERS SO MUCH TO U. AND U AIN’T GUNNA XPLAIN IT TO HIM. WHEN U UP ON A NIGGA SHIT LIKE THAT U R BELOW HIM. AND THAT’S NOT A GOOD STARTING POINT TO A RELATIONSHIP. WITH SOMEONE WHO POSETA HAVE A RAPPERS’ EGO.
    BOTTOM LINE, NO MATTER HOW TEMPTING IT SEEMS, DON’T GO MAKE SOME DUDE FROM QUEENS WHO SOLD FUCKIN 25000 COPIES OF HIS SOLID WOOD RECORD BACK IN 2003 LISTEN TO U FREESTYLE FOR 4 STR8 MINUTES AT QUACKYS BAR IN BUNKFUNK MINNESOTA. OR EVEN WORSE, IN SHRYKYVIK ICELAND.

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