Listen man…Ain’t nobody got time to be seeing every movie that comes out. I’ve already made it my life goal to never see the new star wars so it’s not like I’m heading to the theater for just anything. In times like this, I’d rather just watch the preview and base my entire opinion on that. Unfair? Certainly but, you’d be surprised by how on point my intuition can be. So, today, I will be reviewing these based only on the trailers and all the preconceived notions I have about the people involved with said movie. Why not? If nothing else…It’s a time saver for us all.
Pride and Prejudice and zombies
I have this problem. When i see a movie that takes place in certain eras, I tune out. This isn’t specific to one era but #1 with a bullet is anything that takes place in the 1800’s starring british people. It’s nothing personal but I simply could not care less about anything than that 100 year span in that particular place.
This movie , however, must know that I’m not alone in those feelings. I’m not even a millennial. If I don’t give a fuck about that era, they must not even know it happened. So what do they do to spark interest? ADD ZOMBIES.
Yes, Zombies. When your movie is a shit storm that no one wants to sit through, just add a bunch of slow walking flesh eaters. Cause, as you know, motherfuckers love zombies. Or do they?
I mean…there is no questioning that zombie movies took off a while back, leading to “The walking dead” , which was/is a huge success. That said, I feel as though we’re about done here. It’s been covered. Much like when everyone tried to remake the formula of “Twilight” , the zombie movie has been done to death and it’s a wrap. Someone thought they were clever and was like “I know it’s beating a dead horse but…what if we took zombies and threw them in a Jane Austin era type setting…also, GIRL POWER! I see slow motion flip kicks and corsets!”.
I legit imagine movie meetings being exactly like that.
Sufficed to say, this movie looks like it’s the fucking worst and will bomb horrifically, as it should.
Now you see me 2
I am ashamed to say I have seen “Now you see me”. In my defense, having cable and hangovers makes you watch things you normally wouldn’t. If you’re wondering, it was bad. But not just “normal bad”. It was ‘I wish there was someone else in the room so i could look at the like “what the fuck is this shit?” ‘ kinda bad. I literally had to call someone after I watched it, to talk about how shitty it was. That’s rare.
So, to my surprise, they’re making a sequel. The gang is all back! I think…I’m not even gonna lie. I barely lifted my eyes up to look at the screen while it was playing cause fuck this movie and fuck everyone in it.
Sequels are cash grabs. They are rarely good and ,generally, just the original poorly rehashed. So, even when good movies do them, the results are painful. I don’t wanna be a bummer but the chances of Zoolander 2 being good are very low. But this movie? I mean…if it can somehow be worse than the first one? I feel like time may collapse. Everyone in the theater will implode like the house at the end of Poltergeist. So, do yourself a favor and avoid this one, for your own safety.
I feel like, excluding girls who want to have sex with him, everyone hates Ryan Reynolds. I actually don’t have a problem with him. Still, every time he’s in a movie , people groan as if it’s his fault he got cast in it. To be fair, he’s only been in , like, two watchable movies but one of those is the heavily slept on “Just friends” that you should go see immediately. Thing about Reynolds is that he’s a sarcastic funny guy who happens to be super handsome and built like an action star. So, he always gets cast as these hero types but, in reality, he’s much better suited to be Van wilder until the day he dies.
So, there’s that…then you got this whole “let’s make a movie about every superhero ever written” thing that Marvel is doing. I’m not a comic book guy. I’m not a superhero movie guy, in general. But, man, are they scraping the bottom of the barrel. At least they just put Jessica Jones on Netflix. What the fuck is a “Deadpool”? Well, judging from the preview, it’s a new kinda super hero. He got jokes, yo! Lord knows, every good superhero needs some witty tag lines. Luckily for us all, Deadpool is all tag lines. So, expect a whole lot of “Mind if I drop in?” when he flies through the air into a group of bad guys. Depending where you stand, that could be awesome or terrible to you. You make the call.
I can’t be the only one who saw this and immediately thought “Didn’t Johnny Knoxville make this movie?”. But no, that’s was “Bad Grandpa” and this is totally different. The world has been clamoring for a movie where Zac Efron and Robert Dinero do comedy together. Well, world, your prayers have been answered. Finally , 19 year old girls and their surly dads have a movie they can sit through uncomfortably together.
I always feel that movies like this are made specifically for the people in them. For Efron, he get’s to work with a legend. For Dinero, he get’s to go to a beach for a month to film and make some more money. Also, he gets to take a weak stab at having a new generation remember who he is. Spoiler alert: They don’t care.
But, outside of the actors, who is this movie for? There is no target audience here. Which is mind boggling considering this movie must have gone through all sorts of focus groups. This is the film equivalent of throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. Yeah, it’s probably slap against the wall, leave a small stain and plop back to the ground within seconds BUT, PERHAPS, a few chunks will actually stick. You never know! After all, they made a sequel for “Red” so anything is possible.