Ask Dr. Tony Vol 52


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Hi there. Let’s play doctor.
No, not the kind where you get awkwardly fingered…I’m talking about real psychological help from a person with absolutely no background in that field. Why me? Cause I’m a stranger. I have nothing to gain by helping you so there’s no reason for me to be anything but brutally honest. My credentials? I’m level headed and not insane. That’s it. But, I’ll be damned f I don’t give some decent advice.
So, if you’d like some help with life and/or love…holler at me. Send questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. It’s all anonymous. I’m here to help. I swear.
Here are this installments questions!

So i’ve been seeing my current girlfriend for a little over a year now, and i think its safe to say that i’m really in love with this person. We both just started college and we both make an effort to see each other as often as possible and keep in close contact, but theres still that nagging fear that, three years down the line, we’ll drift apart. Should i be concerned? Or should i just live in the moment?

This answer could get depressing.
Yes, you should just live in the moment. At your age, the worst thing you can do is think about what will happen down the line. I’m generally opposed to serious relationships for people your age but I also have been there and understand that they’re going to happen. You love who you love, right?
But, in reality, yes…you will probably drift apart. I say this not cause I know you and not only because you’re very young but cause , in general, that’s what happens within most relationships. I hate to turn emotions into a numbers game but, if we’re being honest here, your chances are low. However, this doesn’t mean your relationship is futile. It can work. It wouldn’t be the first time! More importantly, enjoying the “now” of a relationship with someone you’re with and care about is the best part. So, sitting around thinking about what might happen is pointless. I’d get it if you were in your 30’s and real life was actually happening but , dude, you’re still in college. Enjoy the ride. None of the stuff REALLY matters yet. You love her? That’s great. Stick with her until you don’t. Like most relationships that don’t involve children or a pending marriage, just roll with it. Only start questioning shit when you’re unhappy in that relationship.

Dr T, have you ever had a friend that you tried to politely cut ties with who just did not go away? And advice on terminating an exhausting bro-bro friendship that just won’t die quietly?

Breaking up with friends, man…it’s brutal. It’s extra hard cause, unless they do something specifically bad to you , there is never a clean reason to cut those ties. You can’t just walk up to a person and be like “Hey man, we had a great time together over the years but, honestly, I don’t like you as a person any more so…yeah…It’s been fun” *hands him a box of chocalates and card*
I mean…I guess you COULD do that. It would be the honest thing to do and leave no misconception floating in the air. But, let’s be honest, who’s that ice cold? And, when you consider your history together and mutual friends, it’s even harder.
My advice is cowardly but practical. You kinda just gotta phase that person out. Don’t pick up their calls. If they text, don’t respond immediately , and when you do, make it pretty curt. I’m not saying be rude, but don’t try to hard either. It’s no different than phasing out someone you’re casually dating. It’s shitty and a pussy way to go about it , unless you’re ready to tell an old friend, to their face, that you simply do not enjoy their personality, it’s pretty much the only option.
If this is a friend who is in your social circle and you’re gonna see out and about no matter
what ? That’s different. All you can do is kinda remove yourself from those social situations. That’s tougher though.
Or, if all else fails, move. Leave your town and never come back. It’s extreme but it’s definitely the most fool proof of all the ideas.

Hi Doctor,
I watch porn nearly every day and give myself a little pleasure when I do. It doesn’t get in the way of my life but I do get that guilty feeling twice a week.
Should I try to ditch the habit or do it less or keep it up?

A “little” pleasure, huh? What exactly do you mean? COULD YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC, GUY? HEY EVERYONE! Look at the masturbator! What a pervert! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Anyway…Jerking off to porn is fine. It exists for that reason. I’ve done it a million times and never felt guilty about it. Perhaps you’re from a background that looks down upon the act of self love but, well, I’m not. In fact, i think it’s weird if you DON’T do it. Personally, my imagination is not what it used to be so porn is a required part of this act. So, if i jerk off every day, then I’m watching porn every day. I’m not saying I do, but that’s just the math put in a simple form for you.
Here’s the thing about watching porn, you must have perspective on it. If you’re only using it to get off on, then you’re okay. That said, if you’re jerking off like 5 times a day and you’re not a 13-16 year old, you might wanna slow down a bit cause too much of that shit will fry your brain. You over do it and you become one of those creeps who forces girls to do anal and can only cum from very particular things that no one else enjoys doing. That’s never a good way to live life.

I feel as though porn only becomes a problem for people when it engulfs their life. I’ve know dudes who would literally have porn on all the time. Like it was background music. They wouldn’t even jerk off to it that much. THOSE DUDES are fucked up and have a problem. You? Nah, you’re just some guy who jerks off like a normal person. Don’t worry about it.

It’s not a question of if I’ll disappoint her, but when.

A girl I befriended at age 10 (we’re 27 now) and her boyfriend of something like 12 years got engaged (at Disneyland, ugh). They seem good for each other, I guess (both pretty boring)

She still refers to me as her best friend but I know we’ve grown apart.
She asked me to be her maid of honor (actually “matron”, because I’m already married) and I tried to say no but felt pressured and guilted into saying yes. It’s all part of her “plan” It’s happening in October.
I warned her I wouldn’t be good at it. But I couldn’t give her a solid “no”.

I hate weddings. I don’t believe in them. Everything about them is a superstitious waste of money and time and effort. Showers are stupid. Bachelorette parties are extra stupid. Diamond rings are stupid. People throwing thousands of dollars blindly at old-ass traditions they don’t understand. So stupid.

And this couple has crap taste in music (this shit will be new country and top 40 and spice girls and Disney ……)
But she obviously doesn’t know (or didn’t care?) that nothing about this is my jam. This is the opposite of my jam.
(I also don’t drink (guaranteed vomit and crying) but I will have a pocket full of secret joints (the couple doesn’t approve))

So. Do I miserably and trying-not-to-whine-too-much (except to my husband) attempt go through with it?

Or do I buck up and be brutally honest and get fired early enough for her to find a replacement?

Oh god, I sound like such an asshole. Both options fill me with stomach-turning dread.

Sarcastic option 3: kill myself.

I am with you 100% on your feelings towards marriage. Also, you’re married. So, that’s kinda funny. Tax breaks, huh?
Anyway…This sucks for you on many levels. Here’s the thing, being a maid/matron of honor is expensive and time consuming. If you can get out of it in the most simple of ways by saying “Hey, I just don’t have the time to be this involved in your wedding” then that is your out. Being vaguely “busy” is the best excuse every time. For everything. You can be super nice about it and pepper the convo with “But, of course, i will be there for your big day! Wouldn’t miss it for the world” type horseshit and maybe it will soften the blow. From the sound of this girl, she’s got the emotional development of a 12 year old so talking circles around her shouldn’t be that hard.
OR
Just do it. It will suck but it will also be over eventually. I think the only problem with this is that , by doing that, you’re leading your old friend on in a way. It’s telling her “yes, we are still super close friends!” , which doesn’t seem to be a message you wanna send. in fact, it sounds like you don’t even like this moron.
Either way, you got time. I’d go with option A if you’re really bout that “fuck marriage (except your own)” life. But if that’s too rough, you’re gonna have to eat shit and hold some flowers for this girl while she cries in front of her friends and family, as father Goofy marries them on the S.S. Minnie mouse boat.

9 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Tony Vol 52

  1. nice questions and answers. solid blog.

    my unsolicited advice to that first dude: def enjoy the ride(s) literally and figuratively. Just don’t fool yourself into thinking that this girl isn’t gonna put some strange D in her at some point, shes a college freshman for chrissakes. its a matter of who will slip first, you or her. don’t pass up on strange trim if it is offered to you. When you visit her and find her getting plugged, which you will at some point. you don’t wanna regret passing.

  2. think she was saying, “fuck weddings!” marriage seems kinda stupid but I could see it as a sort of “symbol” of power to throw in the mix to your ultimate love. like some love magic. but the traditional wedding is pretty wack. Just a corny, fairy tale waste of money and time.

    I think porn can take you down some strange roads. I think we could all be a lil more conscious of what kind of porn we let in to the brain. Sometimes after, its like, “ahh sick!” anyways, I’m really pleased that most the porn I come across these days doesn’t have fake tits. Fake tits are the worst. They’re like huge swole pecs.

    I think 90s porn is ill as fuck.(I’m 32). Like the hair styles, but especially the tan lines… And landing strips. chicks needa bring back tan lines and landing strips.

    I found my old computer from high school at my folks house and it had all these old school Kazaa downloads. Lots of music, but mainly it was like a porn time machine. Like those files used to be the go to. it was like I had reunion sex with 45 girlfriends.

  3. I’m indifferent about marriage, but it was important to my husband. I guess it has some legal perks.
    It’s pretty weird though, you love someone so much you wanna sign a contract and get the government involved. Don’t need a wedding to have a marriage!

    I love that there was also a question about dumping friends in this batch, such relevance!

    Also, on fake tits vs floppy realies, can’t we have a happy medium?? Personally I like to see medium/ large round naturals the best and I agree that too-perfect skin-basketballs are weird and honestly, kind of a turn off.
    You gotta have some kind of existing breast fat to make any implant or added plumpage look nice.

  4. Dr. Tony,

    Do guys really cum in to gym socks, then keep those socks around under their bed so they can use them again later? Or is that just a thing from the movies? Why? Doesn’t this cause more problems than it solves? Soooo gross!

    • The answer is yes. I regrettably and unregrettably lived in a fraternity for a few years. I never saw it before moving into there but, again, yes they do it. I’m not sure how long it went without washing but it was done.

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