Demo Reviews Vol. 76

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Man, it’s been a while but Demo Reviews are back. Submissions slowed down to a crawl but I got a bunch recently. If you’d like to submit music, read THIS, follow the rules and send me some shit.
I’m not gonna lie…this is a rough week for demos.Like…man…I dunno who told who about this column but it seems to be heading in a weird direction. Listen to this weeks songs and you will see what I mean. If anything, this week will make many of your bedroom producers feel good about yourself.
Anyway, the reviews work like so. I write a paragraph or two on the song the arbitrarily rate them from 1-10 in the categories:
Production
Vocals
Listenability
Originality

That’s about it. All you gotta do is listen and vote for you favorite at the bottom. Every vote counts…for something.

Artist: Crockett King
Song: Heaven


This is a mellow little joint. strong “rainy sunday afternoon” vibes. The vocal loop is very nice. Bmy only complain is that the track is pretty simple. Just the vocal loop and another part from ,what I’m assuming , is the same song over some quiet , yet effective drums. So, on a listening level, it’s enjoyable. On a technical level, it’s pretty lazy though.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:6 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Fonzsolo
Song: FWM Like I FWY


Well…yeah. I can look at this in a few ways. One way to see it is that it’s a completely boring song that sounds like literally every song out right now. Another could be that it’s a mess. Just this dude meandering over this beat. There’s a hook but it’s the exact same as the verses.
I don’t hate the beat. It’s not great but it’s solid. The rapper is totally just an amalgamation of so many other mediocre rappers its just kinda sad.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:3 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:1 out of 10

Artist: Spontu
Song: Fodder for the globetrotters


Well that takes a turn. The harp into organ transition is a bit messy. I can’t even tell how well they match tonally. I know they don’t meld mood wise though. The whole song kinda continues in that way. Seems like someone arbitrarily throwing samples out there. On their won, the samples are solid but it’s more a question of them working together. They don’t work very well. Being able to recognize pitch is, like, the most important thing when making beats like that. Without that, it’s just atonal anarchy. The last part is by far the strongest though. It melds nicely. More of that, less of the rest.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10


Artist: Ordog
song: Braniac


This is a bizarre one. It’s kinda hard to sit through but I commend the producer on going outside of the box. I feel like this person has a vision and is working towards it. It won’t result in music i will ever enjoy but it will be something many people will gravitate towards. Sounds like someone who started in a different genre who decided to take up making electronic music. It’s not for me, but I’m not mad at it at all.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:6 out of 10

Artist: Jake Aldridge
Song: Pieces of me Ft. Kelly Jenns


How did this demo find me? What? Why?
Yeah…this is abysmal. It’s like an Evanescence demo song or something. Clearly, I could not be less of the target audience for this but, even on that level, it’s not even a good version of what it’s striving to be. The production is clanky and not very refined. The singer is capable but ultimately annoying and the rapper is just corny. Ouch.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:3 out of 10
Listenability:2 out of 10
Originality:2 out of 10

Artist: Alex A
Song: Two funky Honkies


I think every bored rock band has made a song like this. It’s people who kinda like rap but ultimately don’t really respect it as a genre. Even the title of the song is telling. “look at us! we are white…and rapping!”. It’s not 1993. This is no longer a thing that should exist. It’s all in fun and silly but this also just kinda sucks in general.
Production:3 out of 10
Vocals:3 out of 10
Listenability:3 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist:Kendrick Lee
Song: To the max


I’m too old for this shit. I can’t listen to this without thinking “why do you even make music?”. It’s not like it’s terrible. it’s just so incredibly mediocre. To me, that’s worse. Being average. People seem to strive for this. It’s proof that almost anyone can rap and do it , at the very least, passably. The beat is fine for what it is. It’s mix is a little shaky though.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:3.5 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:2 out of 10

Artist: Clay (TBKA)
Song: The games we play


I think this is supposed to be like some video game music. It’s not bad. It builds nicely and there’s some nice attention to detail going on. Not sure when one would listen to this…perhaps playing video games at, like, 5 am? That works. Either way, not mad at this.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

So, what do you think?

Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 7

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Uberfacts is a twitter handle that posts “Facts” on a daily basis. Some are obviously horseshit and others are eye opening truths. More than anything, though, they are great conversation pieces.
In this column, I like to look at a few of these and just meander aimlessly about the topic. If you’re into that kind of rant, guess what? Today is you day!

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Here’s a little known fact for all you people out there who are “fans” of people. Most of them think they’re a fraud. Yup. That cocky rapper who acts like he has a gold penis or that beautiful actress who requests people on set don’t look her in the eye…insecure little pieces of shit. Just like you and me.
Here’s the catch though, they’re right. Luck and timing is everything. Hard work doesn’t hurt. Talent? That’s like a distant 4th.
I’ve always felt like an outsider from the art world in many ways. It’s something I’ve been immersed in from a young age (my dad was an artist) but , to me, the layer of bullshit that goes with it has always been palpable. That layer spans all mediums. Fine art, music, acting, writing and whatever else you can think of. It’s a real “Oh shit!?” moment , in ones life, when you realize this and , personally, I think that’s a good thing. It humanizes everything and also evens the playing field. I don’t get excited to meet famous people. I don’t care about the accomplishments of strangers. If I like someones work, I’ll tell them. I will respect their work, hope they make more and that’s it. It ends there though. The beauty of this is , you can then judge people at face value. I always hear horror stories of people meeting their heroes and being let down when those people are dicks to them. There’s two sides to that coin though. The artist could very well be a dismissive prick OR the fan might be an overbearing asshole who doesn’t understand the rules of human engagement. I think we, as people, give to much credence to people just cause they’re good at this one thing. Especially where arts are concerned. I get it though cause the art of other people is one of the few things you can put out there and make complete strangers feel something outside of themselves. While people like teachers and doctors are far more important to humanity, nobody is watching a surgery and weeping cause it was so beautiful. But that is the reason why artists are revered the way they are. People connect to them from a distance and in many different ways.

One song can mean something different to 100 different people. Then those people take that feeling and feel a kinship with that song. They discover the music of the artist and start feeling like that person “gets them”. Then they go to their show. Heart in their hands. Listening to every moment , in awe of this person who they deem “better than” themselves cause they were able to unlock a feeling inside of them. After the show, they’re gushing and want to tell this person how they feel. They wait in line by the merch booth and when it’s finally their turn, they nervously rattle off a laundry list of how this person has changed their life. The artist stands there, barely absorbs what’s being said and possibly says something to the effect of “yeah thanks, keep it moving”. The fan is confused and let down. Why? Cause it turns out the person they elevated on to the pedestal was just a normal jerk off just like everyone else who happens to be good at this one thing. Meanwhile, the artist knows this to be true and it so aware of it, it makes him/her act out towards the people who worship him/her. It’s a brutal cycle but the point remains. We’re all just people. None of us can walk on water. As big as they may seem, every person who makes art of value knows this about themselves and questions themselves constantly. Even Kanye. Yup…Even Kanye.

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Rich people can be the worst.
I’m not saying we need to live in a socialist society but if you can afford an Aston Martin that runs on wine, surely you can swing some dough toward people with needs. I mean…think of how much wine that wastes? Can you imagine how happy a bunch of homeless drunks would be if , instead of pouring that in your car you drive once a year, you simply roll up on them in whatever alley they’re chilling in and drop off a couple of cases of fancy wine princes drink. Sure, it’s not helping their situation. In fact, you’d be enabling like a motherfucker but, whatever, it’s more respectable that using it to make one of the most expensive cars on earth move.
With this billion dollar lottery going on tonight, people are losing their minds. Having a car that runs on wine sounds like something a drunk sorority girl would think of when someone asked her “Hey, what would you do if you won a billion dollars?”. Meanwhile, prince charles is really out here doing that shit. Making up weird money wasting fantasies to match his fantasy ass existence as a “prince” in 2016.
I just feel like, when you have so much money you can no longer think of ways to spend it, spread it around. Donate 300 million to cancer research. Build housing for the poor. It’s literally a drop in the bucket and all you have to do is write a check. And trust me, I’m not a guy who gives to charities. Those people stop me on the street for whatever cause they’re shilling, I walk by like i don’t even see them. However, I’m not rich. I need all my money to live my life. You best believe that, if I won a billion dollars, after i covered all the things i want (Mainly, a home with a full court basketball gym in it), I’d spread the love. First thing I’d do? Buy that Wine fueled Aston Martin and drive it off a cliff cause fuck you and your wine car, you aristocratic piece of shit.

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If technology has done nothing else, it’s enabled cowards. From faceless trolls on the internet to “outraged” losers who chime in whenever they feel a slight tinge of being offended. It is THEIR time to shine. So, it only seems right that you can pay someone money to break up with your significant other. I recall a time when doing it over the phone was considered bad. Now, from what I hear, people get dumped via text like “Hey, we’re done. OKTHX BYEEEEEE” and that’s totally okay.
The idea of having someone else call, email, or text a person on your behalf is both depressing and brilliant. No one likes breaking up with people. Hell, think of all the relationships out there that are just floating along miserably cause both people are too complacent to look at one another and say “Eh, we gave it a try but I loathe every thing about you at this point”. That’s like…70% of long term relationships. Yup…your parents too.
So, the concept of this timorous company could, in fact, be a good thing. It’s direct, clean and there’s no room for misconception of what’s going on. Yes, to be on the receiving end of such a thing would be infuriating and offensive. However, break ups aren’t fun ever. No one wants to be dumped. But that’s how it works. One person wants out and the other is forced to deal with it. It’s shitty and messy but if couples only broke up cause they were both unhappy equally, what kind of society would we live in? So, instead, hire this faceless robot to do the dirty work for you. No more are the 3 hour talks where two people rehash the same arguments that have been plaguing their already damaged relationship. No more talking in circles. No more meticulously trying to find the least offensive way to tell a person you’re not into them anymore.
If technology has given us anything,it’s options. And one of those options is to be gutless and selfish. If that’s your style, well praise the lord cause you’re living in the perfect era. The only thing holding you back are compassion and dignity. If those two things aren’t on the menu for you, congrats! You have arrived!

Answers for Questions vol. 272

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G’day everyone. Welcome to Answers for Questions. if you don’t know what this is by now, i feel like it’s not even worth explaining. Also, self explanatory.
If you have any questions you’d like to ask me, fire away. Send them to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Be creative. Be weird.
This weeks batch is a good one. Definitely one that will probably annoy a few people…which is always fun.

What are your rules for dating a girl who has kids? How many kids is too many? What if there are multiple fathers involved?
Personally, and this will sound terrible, I’m not trying to date anyone with a kid. Probably cause I’m not in a place where I’m looking for anything very serious and I feel like , when there is a kid in the picture, the stakes are way higher. I’m not trying to fuck over some single mom.
So, my rule? I don’t do it. That may change down the line but, for now, that’s where my head is at.

I am a fan of rock as well as hip-hop. You mentioned Max Fish and I follow Sergio Garcia, the bassist for Deftones, on Twitter and it looks like he has a regular gig DJ’ing there. I guess he is friends with Shannon from Activator, who has been a long time, from what I can tell, friend of the Def Jux crew. I’ve heard some Activator and it seems like straight up metal. Can you explain the nature of this relationship(Def Jux/Activatior/Deftones)? Also, what are your two cents on Deftones? They are probably my favorite hard rock band, and I know El-P/Cage did a song with Chino on Handsome Boy Modeling School. I am rambling here…haha…feel freed to construct your answer with whatever about this that strikes you as worth discussing. 😉

I don’t know sergio but Shannon is my good friend. He is one of those old NYC guys who just knows everyone from all walks of life. He met the Def Jux people from just being around and working at Max Fish. He and El become good friends and then Shannon was his hype man for a bunch of years. Jux was also gonna put out the Activator album but the label folded before that could happen (I think…I’m not 100% on the timeline of that).
As for the deftones, I’ve never heard them. To be honest, I don’t get into metal so , in general, i’m clueless with regards to most of the genre.

What up Block,

So i been wanting to hear your thoughts on this for couple reasons. One, you from NYC Two, you write funny ass articles Three, im guessing this shit would annoy the fuck outta you and id like to hear you roll off about these ppl.

So I work in Saudi Arabia (from USA) but get limited contact with anyone outside of my coworkers (minus internet) cus this country is ass.

Therefore im constantly around the same 14 guys everyday. Breakrooms, work,van to work, everyday.

One new guy (british) will NOT shut the fuck up about 9-11. Bush did it he works for montesanto group. Masons this etc etc. guy is mid 40’s and talks to himself in circles about 9-11 conspiracy theories non motherfucking stop. To quote him talking to himself in the van “just like all these fools who think 9-11 really happened, wake up you muppets! It was bush…..buncha sheep oh my lord”. The rants continue and are endless.

So my questions:

1.You being from NYC, what’s your opinion as far as conspiracy surrounding the 9-11 attacks?

2. This youtube obsessed conspiracy theory guy. How do you suggest i get him to shut the fuck up? He likes rap n there are literally 2 other ppl in this country i know that listen to rap so I tend to ignore his rants n give him passes / leave rooms when he tangents.

3. Do many new yorkers share this British guy’s 9-11 opinions?

Personally I dont think it was an inside job and if it was, this fucking guy has no proof but youtube videos.

1)I think those conspiracy theories ,and most of them in general , are complete bullshit. People who obsess over them are bored as fuck and seem to be spiraling out all the time. I wrote a post about this very topic a while back:
https://phatfriend.com/2011/11/09/conspiracies-maaaaaaaaannnn/
2)there’s no use arguing with a person like that. At best you can be like “Okay guy, we get it…”
and hope he realizes what a crazy person he sounds like and just stops. Sadly, from your description, i doubt you’ll be so lucky.
3)Sure. People all over believe that shit. And the fact they base anything off youtube is hilarious. That’s like citing a think piece for a research paper.

Thoughts on Porzingis? Do you think this kid will save New York Basketball?
He’s awesome. On so many levels. Where he save NYC basketball? Can’t say but he will help it for sure. His ceiling is insane. Like a much more athletic dirk who can play defense (with a slightly worse jump shot). He’s gonna be an all star in the next year and for a decade to come if he can stay healthy. Definitely will be a great centerpiece to build around for the Knicks.

What do you think of PETA?

Ohhh, you’re trying to set me up. i see you.
Well, I’m all for the ethical treatment of animals. That said, I don’t give it ANY thought ever. Like, the other day, I posted an instagram pic of a dude with a tat that read “Vegan” , eating a hot dog. Some guy flipped out in my comments about the treatment of animals used to make food and I was just like ,dude, I’m glad you have your convictions but I truly and deeply don’t give a fuck. AT. ALL. It’s just not a cause I’m invested in. Also, i love eating meat and nothing based on emotion will ever sway that. At the same time, i’m not in favor of animal torture, obviously cause, you know, I’m a human being who’s not inherently evil.
But, as for PETA as a group, i find them to be overbearing and annoying as fuck in how they do things. It’s one of those cases where someone is on the right side of an argument but they’re such dicks about it , it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like, they seriously got upset of some squirrels being skinned in the movie “Winter’s bone”. Pick your fucking battles, brah.
Now i patiently await someone in my comments to fly off the handle about something I just wrote…and that’s okay. Go nuts, guys.

What happened to Steady Bloggin? I used to check that site all the time, but nothins been posted in months. Thought you might know
I think it just kinda faded out , as blogs often do. These things are often labors of love so, unless you’re really dedicated to it and have tons of free time, they will all end eventually. It’s the people getting paid for it that can invest that time.

What are some of your greatest fears?
I mean, dying some horrific way is obviously in there but it’s not really practical. That’s something you can’t control.
In everyday life, my fears consists of getting into a conversation with someone I dislike and being stuck with no means of an exit. That happened to me a few times over the last month and i legit felt what a panic attack must feel like creeping up on me. Like I had to close my eyes for a moment and collect myself mid convo.
Really being trapped anywhere. Like being buried alive but in a more social situation. Other fears include:
I fear that rats get into my house. That terrifies me.
I fear something bad happening to my dick.
I fear that working as a musician will cease to be a viable way to make money.
I fear NYC will be washed away in the next 20 years.
I fear todays youth are making the world one big gaping vagina and it’s gonna come back at us when we actually need to stand up and be about something that matters.

That’s about it though…

Who are some of your favorite writers? I’d love to hear about any “classic” literature you like as well as current/modern/informal writing like your own.

I don’t read books. I simply don’t enjoy it. Never have. I’ve tried. I’ve read fiction, non-fiction , various eras of writers , taken recommendations from friends who know me and…nothing. It just doesn’t take. And i’m not saying i can’t read or comprehend what’s on the page. i literally get bored and drift off within a few pages. I can read a book, know what went on, capture the nuances of it but , 2 days later, not remember a thing about it. No clue why I’m like that but I just am.
My “writing style” is informal cause it’s based on nothing. it’s me rambling. I talk how i write. There’s no method or planning. It’s stream of consciousness to the max. That said, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t wanna read my writing either.

Ask Dr. Tony vol. 51

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Hello all,
Welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. An advice column for people who, for some reason, want to ask a niche hip hop producer what to do with their lives. Thanks to all the people who recently sent in questions. I can always use more. If you have a problem in life or love and want an outsiders opinion, fire away. It’s always anonymous. Send questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. The Dr. is always in.
Let’s check this weeks batch…

Dr. Tony,

Help, I want to have sex with my roommate. I know it would be a terrible idea but he’s my ideal man. A blonde haired, blue eyed dream boat I can totally imagine setting up house and buying a mini van with. My friend suggested I just crawl into his bed one night and start S-ing his D. But I dunno i think that might make things awkward. What should I do??

Well, this could go a few ways (if you decide to take it there).
1)He’s into it and now you live with your brand new boyfriend. Good on paper, bad in reality. Not saying it can’t work but there should a grace period of dating where you both don’t need to shit near each other all day long.
2)He’s not into it, you get shot down and now you live your life avoiding him at all costs.
3)He’s kinda into it but not like you are. He will have sex with you but he’s also not looking for anything more than casual…which could be fine for a while but will undoubtedly get messy when he starts bringing other girls around (assuming you continue to like him)
4)You hook up once. it’s wack. You no longer feel that way about him. It’s awkward for a little bit but you can blame drunkness (or whatever) and eventually things go back to normal and, most likely, you’re better friends for it.

So, as you see, only one of those has an outcome that isn’t awful. Obviously, my advice is to not shit where you eat. And don’t fuck where you eat either. This may just be one of those situations where you gotta just sit on your hands and chalk it up to bad timing. Also, masturbate furiously to him. That could work for or against you though.

Block,

This is a simpler question than it seems, but I’d like to give some context. At my workplace (retail), my fellow managers and I hired a young man, age 22, who seems competent enough to do his job and remain employed, but so lacking in certain areas mentally and socially that it has become creepy to work with him.

The first red flag is that he’s a kiss-ass to us, and a real arrogant little brat to all the women. Complaints about his tone-deaf personality have been relayed to us, but he hasn’t done anything severe enough to warrant a firing/writing up. He pushily demands the women to train him at tasks that he has not been asked to do, nor is he even expected to do.

On his resume, he listed his previous job as a “shipping manager” at a retail store. I have a friend of a friend at said retail store, who confirmed that this new hire dude definitely was not and never was a shipping manager. I should’ve noticed that a 21 year old shipping manager for a major chain store sounds ludicrous, but I didn’t make the final decision on hiring. My boss is a real nice guy who gives new hires the benefit of the doubt.

One night, I drove him home because he needed a ride and does not have a driver’s license. He told me I’m easy to talk to, and out of friendliness I humored him while he started getting personal, saying things like, “how do I talk to women?” and “I’ve never dated” and “I don’t like music.” I responded, “no music? Like, nothing? Not even Beethoven? You’ve never heard a piece of music and felt emotional or moved, or amused, or anything?” He shook his head. This guy does not like music at all! I asked him what he’s passionate about and he said “videogames” and remained cagey about what he does in relation to videogames.

While at work, he stares at his phone until I tell him to do things. He added a female coworker, on the job, on facebook, while in the same building, and messaged her. Now, I did not give him specific advice on how to talk to women, like, “hey bro, add the girl on fb while in the same room! It totally works!” I gave him the most harmless tidbits I could, like, “just listen to people and treat them with respect and humility, things will proceed easily from there.” He doesn’t seem to pick up on behavioral subtleties. He asks weirdly rude questions like, “when will my schedule be ready? How am I supposed to know when I work when the schedule isn’t ready yet?” On a stormy day, this dude even asked me, “is it raining?”

My thoughts are that this young man is mentally underdeveloped, but also seems to be an arrogant, manipulative little liar, and not a very good one. I should be able to get him fired based on the fact that his application seems to be a bunch of lies. He keeps referring to his “roommate,” but at other times has admitted that he still lives with his parents. The other, more paranoid part of me has thought that this young man is potentially dangerous or unhinged, although the jury is still out on to what extent. Obviously I don’t want to tip things over into chaos, but there needs to be a sensible, reasonable way of putting an end to this. Any advice is greatly appreciated, and sorry this is a long explanation.

Clearly this dude has issues. Like, up and down the board. He’s socially inept and definitely mentally disabled in some form or another. Sounds like he may have aspergers or , at the very least, is on the spectrum. Problem with me giving advice here is that I’m not familiar with what’s okay and not okay when it comes to firing people. The last time I worked a regular job, you could fire someone for whatever you felt like. Granted, I worked at a bakery but still…There wasn’t as much space for uproar and suing as there most likely is today. Especially in a bigger corporation.That said, you seem to know the easy out. If he lied on his resume, there ya go. Also, making female co workers uncomfortable , being on his phone all day and even the paranoid “he might be a psycho” feelings he gives off…I’d imagine those are all grounds to let someone go. That last one especially with all the shootings that have been happening.
All that said, he could just be incredibly socially awkward. Which is harmless but also, not your problem. Let him be someone else’s issue to deal with.

I have a friend who’s married to a girl from south america who moved to america to be with him (met through high school foreign exchange). if things don’t work out, she would want to leave america and return to her family. he has admitted to her that he has feelings for another girl — who he spends lots of time with — but that he would never cheat on his wife. recently, while talking clumsily about some philosophical concept he posed the question “if a man cheats on his wife, is it wrong if it brings him and his mistress more happiness than it brings his wife sadness?”

who do i ask what questions of/tell what things to? all three people involved are fairly recent (four months) friends of mine, but we’ve been spending ~3 days a week together and i work with the wife most days of the week.

The wording of that last paragraph is confusing as fuck but I think I get the overall questions.
Who do you talk to about this? Umm…no one. Mind your fucking business. You’re saying you have known these people for 4 months and you’re trying to fix a marriage you have absolutely no involvement in? This is their problem. But more than that, it would be nosey of you to interfere in any way. I understand that you may not like what going on but these are all adults making their own choices. No one asked you to referee their lives.
Also, I’d be willing to bet the dude is already cheating. That kind of tension can only go so long before it boils ever. Within 6 months, this whole thing will probably be resolved. South American girl will be back in South america. The guy may or may not be with the side chick, and you will have had nothing to do with it. At least i hope. I get that people sometimes have an urge to try and fix everything that’s broken around them but , a lot of the time, they just end up making it worse.

Dr. Tony:

You mentioned that in college you missed lots of sexual opportunities. I recognize myself has being in a similar position (as in: why did we just sit on her bed and giggle for forty five minutes while making extended eye contact? oh wait sex). how does one break out of this obvious young-man’s pattern?

For me, I broke out of it when I stopped giving as much of a fuck. When I was young, every moment like that was tense and anxious. The fear overrode the excitement. Those feelings still exist but, as you get older, you learn to trust the signals being thrown at you. I’ll never be the type of guy who makes bold power moves at girls. I’m just not that guy. I’d imagine you’re the same way. However, once you get more comfortable in your own skin, gain a little confidence in yourself, you just kinda go with the flow. You learn to close in your own way. Some dudes go in for the kiss at first sign, others just kinda let it come to them and act accordingly.
It should also be noted that girls also get more aggressive with age as well. So, that same girl who you would lay around in bed with for 2 hours almost kissing while you agonized over if her leg was touching your on purpose, will straight up just attack you 5 years later.
The bottom line is that you gotta not look at every situation as a life or death kinda thing. Also, step back from your situation and look at it from the outside. Like , you go home with a girl after a night out. You’re in a bed with her and it’s after a certain hour. By no means should you expect sex but, at the same time, I think it’s safe to assume she may be down to make out. If she rejects you? Then deal with it like a gentleman. But know that, 95% of the time (assuming she’s not resisting along the way) she probably likes you. Just to clarify, I’m not talking about shy girls who get pushed into shady situations but aggressive dudes. That’s totally different. This is more when a girl is leading the evening and , there you are…in bed with her at 2 am. Chances are, you’re good to go. Trust your instincts. A simple thing you can do is just bring up making out conversationally. Talk about it. Her reaction will guide you.

I need your help

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It’s a brand new year everyone. Time to shake of the dust of 2015 and let your hair down.
If you don’t know, this blog is a one man show. I wake up, write whatever it is i’m gonna write then post it. Why? I have no idea. Some of you seem to like it and it definitely gives me something to do in the mornings before I eat.
Anyway, a big part of the blog (i refuse to call it a website) is give and take. For many of my reoccurring columns, I need you guys to participate. So, this post is basically a call to arms. In order for the blog to work…I need you guys.
Okay? Cool. Now , here’s where you help me.
I need things.
If you have any of the following things, you can email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com of leave them in the comments section.

1)Ask Dr. Tony questions
If you got some problems in life that your shitty friends and family aren’t helping you with? Why not ask me? I’ll be honest and offer a new perspective. They can be about anything. Also, it’s always anonymous so don’t worry about your privacy being jeopardized.

2)Answers for questions
As always…i need these. Be creative. Be weird. think outside the box. And ask me literally anything. I’ve rejected maybe 3 questions over the last 6 years and only cause they were asking me to talk about other peoples personal lives.

3)Any ideas of things I should write about?
You think you got an idea that might work? throw it my way. Or, how about are you a person who’s into some weird shit that wants to be interviewed about it? Let’s talk. past interview subjects have been girls who fucked riff raff and guys who sucked their own dick. So, you know…I’m open to suggestions.

4)Demos
I write demo reviews. I need more to review. There are rules though.
1)The header on the email must say “Demo review”
2)If you’ve already submitted, DO NOT submit again. You had your fun now it’s other people’s turn. This includes producers working with new rappers.
3)Send me ONE SONG. Pick your song that is your favorite or the one that best exemplifies your music and shoot it over here. I’m not going to listen to your whole ep.
4)This time around, I’ll only be accepting songs that can be heard via a link. So, no loose mp3′s or myspace pages. I want soundcloud, bandcamp or you can even upload it to an upload site (like divshare.com, hulkshare ect…) that allows the songs to stream. Basically, the streaming part is crucial. If this is something you cannot do, you probably shouldn’t be sending me music in the first place. I also accept youtube video links but, seriously, how you gonna have that be your only form of streaming music online. Soundcloud is free. just sign up and put a song up there.
5)Demo MUST contain original production. I don’t want mixtapes of you rapping over other peoples tracks. I want actual songs. About once a week, I review something only to find out it’s some rare madlib track the person jacked. If you send me something, I want it to 100% be made by you. Sampling is sampling but taking another person finished rap beat and calling it your own is not okay.
6)budding producers: don’t just send me some random beat you made. I want a finished product. If your shit is called “Untitled beat” I will throw it right in the trash. If you made a beat but it’s just drums and a loop, i don’t want it. i want something you’d consider a song that can stand on it’s own. A rap beat with a subtle change does not a song make.

That’s about it for the rules. But there’s more…You must also accept that I will be reviewing your music honestly. I don’t know you. You aren’t my homeboy. I may write some shit you don’t wanna hear/accept. Just know it’s possible you will not be happy with the review. Butthurt responses will be clowned on properly. Trust me, I’m as familiar with internet criticism as any person who makes music for a living. It sucks but it’s part of the deal. After all, you’re sending me your music so I can review it. what else do you expect? By submitting, you’re pretty much agreeing to possibly being let down.
It should also be noted that , genre wise, I’m a rap guy. I like rap music. This can work both for and against you people sending me rap as I will be highly critical of it but there’s also a chance I might actually like it. If it were up to me, I’d ONLY review rap demos. Where as with other genres (particularly instrumental music and electronic type shit) I don’t really listen to that kinda stuff. Feel free to send it but just know my ceiling of enjoyment for that kind of music is typically pretty low. Ironic, I know…but it’s the reality of things.

That’s about it. This blog is a labor of love but I’d be lying if I said i wasn’t running out of content. If you’re a faithful reader or even a casual reader…throw me a bone so I can keep this going. If nothing else, i give you something to read while taking a shit and that has value in this world, goddamnit.

Answers for questions vol. 271

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HAPPY NEWWWWW YEARRRRR!
Right? okay.
Welcome to the all new, updated version of “Answers for Questions”2.0! Just kidding. Same shit, different day.
As always, in order for this column to flourish, I need your help. Ask me things! Get weird! get creative! Oh, and while you’re here, feel free to ask me for advice for the “Ask Dr. Tony” column.
send questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave the questions in the comment section below. Let’s goooooo!

What’s your take on “Once Upon A Time In Shaolin”? It seems the Martin Shkrelli purchased it for 2 million. Guess he used all that AIDS pill money on it?

I can’t help but thinking, if I somehow live 88 years longer and I’m actually able to hear this album, it’ll be like every other full-on Wu-Tang album – 2 or 3 standout tracks, with the rest kinda meh and leaving me reaching for Wu-Tang solo stuff.

I think the idea of making an album, making one copy and selling it for a million bucks is insane. No matter WHO makes it. Like, if Michael Jackson rose from the grave and was like “Here’s the new album!” under the same circumstances, fuck that album.
The fact that Shkrelli dude bought it is even crazier. But he’s proven to a a guy with way too much money and a slightly tilted life view so, hey man, enjoy that album!
But, like you mentioned, the idea of a Wu-tang album in 2016 shouldn’t excite anyone that much. I can’t recall the last time I peeped a Wu album closely but , like you said, they’ve generally been a collection of songs hastily slapped together with 1 or 2 standout tracks. Not exactly a 7 figure piece of art, if you ask me.

I’m interested in vacations. How often do you take vacations? What were your last 5 destinations? Are you more of a domestic vacation guy or do you take trips to other countries? What´s a place that you have some fond memories of?

I don’t really take vacations. I travel so much for work that , when I’m home, I tend to like to stay there. The only vacation I can think of, in recent memory, is going to Miami for 3 days to chill with some friends. That’s it. To be honest, my life is like one big vacation that isoccasionally interrupted but having to travel for shows.
But, in general, I’m happiest when I’m home. All the travel I’ve done has worn me out. I’m sick of airports. I don’t have that fire in me to see new things cause, chances are, I’ll see them anyway later in the year.

If for some reason you had to permanently leave the USA (ecological disaster, political enemies, army of angry ex-girlfriends, take a pick): Where would you go to start a new life? For some added difficulty: It may not be a country where English is the primary language!

So that means no Australia? Cause that would be my first pick. So, excluding canada, Australia and the UK…Hmm…it’s hard to say cause a place like Paris would make a lot of sense. Berlin too…but , at the same time, every time I’ve been to eastern europe, I’m like “Man, I could live here for a little bit and really enjoy myself. Places in Poland and Romania especially. But, I gotta be realistic and recognize that my life revolves around eating delicious food so I’d probably end up in paris, berlin or maybe a city in spain. Food>>>>

Are you and Emancipator bro’s or do you hate one another? Also, who would win in a fist fight?
We have mad beef! Nah man. we’re buddies. We’ve been touring together for, like, 4 years. Probably one of my favorite guys to hit the road with. He’s super chill and just an all around fun guy to be around.
In a fist fight? I dunno. I’m a little bigger than him but he’s younger. Neither of us are particularly rage fueled people either. My guess would be, whoever was angrier at the time.

Which emoji do you think should be invented which hasn’t already been invented?
They need to just drop all the pretenses and make real genital emojis. It’s time. The World is ready. The eggplant has had it’s time. I realize this could be an issue for kids with phones but…I dunno…child proof that shit!
There also seems to be a lack of a convincing “eyeroll” emoji. I know there are ones that mean that but none that feel right. That seems easy enough though.

And this is just a question for here because it’s only a tv question….have you been watching Fargo (the series)? I lovvvvve it
I did and I loved it. The second season was even better than the first. Truly upper tier television. Don’t sleep.

Let’s say you have an opportunity to get completely free rent in a very nice, well located apartment in New York. The only catch is that every room in the apartment shares a wall with a very popular bar. This wall is actually a one-way mirror, so the people in the bar can get drunk while they see your every move. Would you make it work for the free rent?
ehhh…nah. That sounds like a social experiment I want no part of. Aside from the constant lack of privacy, there would be the noise element. Bars in NYC stay open till 4am. That shit would drive me nuts.
I suppose there would be ways around it though. Like created rooms with blankets for walls so all the onlookers could see was just some drapes. But it just seems like a whole to do. Like, Imagine , i bring some girl home and she sees all the blankets up. She’ll either think I’m a serial killer or a manchild who likes to live in a homemade “fort” full time.
I’m good with the apartment I have.