Ask Dr. Tony vol. 51

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Hello all,
Welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. An advice column for people who, for some reason, want to ask a niche hip hop producer what to do with their lives. Thanks to all the people who recently sent in questions. I can always use more. If you have a problem in life or love and want an outsiders opinion, fire away. It’s always anonymous. Send questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. The Dr. is always in.
Let’s check this weeks batch…

Dr. Tony,

Help, I want to have sex with my roommate. I know it would be a terrible idea but he’s my ideal man. A blonde haired, blue eyed dream boat I can totally imagine setting up house and buying a mini van with. My friend suggested I just crawl into his bed one night and start S-ing his D. But I dunno i think that might make things awkward. What should I do??

Well, this could go a few ways (if you decide to take it there).
1)He’s into it and now you live with your brand new boyfriend. Good on paper, bad in reality. Not saying it can’t work but there should a grace period of dating where you both don’t need to shit near each other all day long.
2)He’s not into it, you get shot down and now you live your life avoiding him at all costs.
3)He’s kinda into it but not like you are. He will have sex with you but he’s also not looking for anything more than casual…which could be fine for a while but will undoubtedly get messy when he starts bringing other girls around (assuming you continue to like him)
4)You hook up once. it’s wack. You no longer feel that way about him. It’s awkward for a little bit but you can blame drunkness (or whatever) and eventually things go back to normal and, most likely, you’re better friends for it.

So, as you see, only one of those has an outcome that isn’t awful. Obviously, my advice is to not shit where you eat. And don’t fuck where you eat either. This may just be one of those situations where you gotta just sit on your hands and chalk it up to bad timing. Also, masturbate furiously to him. That could work for or against you though.

Block,

This is a simpler question than it seems, but I’d like to give some context. At my workplace (retail), my fellow managers and I hired a young man, age 22, who seems competent enough to do his job and remain employed, but so lacking in certain areas mentally and socially that it has become creepy to work with him.

The first red flag is that he’s a kiss-ass to us, and a real arrogant little brat to all the women. Complaints about his tone-deaf personality have been relayed to us, but he hasn’t done anything severe enough to warrant a firing/writing up. He pushily demands the women to train him at tasks that he has not been asked to do, nor is he even expected to do.

On his resume, he listed his previous job as a “shipping manager” at a retail store. I have a friend of a friend at said retail store, who confirmed that this new hire dude definitely was not and never was a shipping manager. I should’ve noticed that a 21 year old shipping manager for a major chain store sounds ludicrous, but I didn’t make the final decision on hiring. My boss is a real nice guy who gives new hires the benefit of the doubt.

One night, I drove him home because he needed a ride and does not have a driver’s license. He told me I’m easy to talk to, and out of friendliness I humored him while he started getting personal, saying things like, “how do I talk to women?” and “I’ve never dated” and “I don’t like music.” I responded, “no music? Like, nothing? Not even Beethoven? You’ve never heard a piece of music and felt emotional or moved, or amused, or anything?” He shook his head. This guy does not like music at all! I asked him what he’s passionate about and he said “videogames” and remained cagey about what he does in relation to videogames.

While at work, he stares at his phone until I tell him to do things. He added a female coworker, on the job, on facebook, while in the same building, and messaged her. Now, I did not give him specific advice on how to talk to women, like, “hey bro, add the girl on fb while in the same room! It totally works!” I gave him the most harmless tidbits I could, like, “just listen to people and treat them with respect and humility, things will proceed easily from there.” He doesn’t seem to pick up on behavioral subtleties. He asks weirdly rude questions like, “when will my schedule be ready? How am I supposed to know when I work when the schedule isn’t ready yet?” On a stormy day, this dude even asked me, “is it raining?”

My thoughts are that this young man is mentally underdeveloped, but also seems to be an arrogant, manipulative little liar, and not a very good one. I should be able to get him fired based on the fact that his application seems to be a bunch of lies. He keeps referring to his “roommate,” but at other times has admitted that he still lives with his parents. The other, more paranoid part of me has thought that this young man is potentially dangerous or unhinged, although the jury is still out on to what extent. Obviously I don’t want to tip things over into chaos, but there needs to be a sensible, reasonable way of putting an end to this. Any advice is greatly appreciated, and sorry this is a long explanation.

Clearly this dude has issues. Like, up and down the board. He’s socially inept and definitely mentally disabled in some form or another. Sounds like he may have aspergers or , at the very least, is on the spectrum. Problem with me giving advice here is that I’m not familiar with what’s okay and not okay when it comes to firing people. The last time I worked a regular job, you could fire someone for whatever you felt like. Granted, I worked at a bakery but still…There wasn’t as much space for uproar and suing as there most likely is today. Especially in a bigger corporation.That said, you seem to know the easy out. If he lied on his resume, there ya go. Also, making female co workers uncomfortable , being on his phone all day and even the paranoid “he might be a psycho” feelings he gives off…I’d imagine those are all grounds to let someone go. That last one especially with all the shootings that have been happening.
All that said, he could just be incredibly socially awkward. Which is harmless but also, not your problem. Let him be someone else’s issue to deal with.

I have a friend who’s married to a girl from south america who moved to america to be with him (met through high school foreign exchange). if things don’t work out, she would want to leave america and return to her family. he has admitted to her that he has feelings for another girl — who he spends lots of time with — but that he would never cheat on his wife. recently, while talking clumsily about some philosophical concept he posed the question “if a man cheats on his wife, is it wrong if it brings him and his mistress more happiness than it brings his wife sadness?”

who do i ask what questions of/tell what things to? all three people involved are fairly recent (four months) friends of mine, but we’ve been spending ~3 days a week together and i work with the wife most days of the week.

The wording of that last paragraph is confusing as fuck but I think I get the overall questions.
Who do you talk to about this? Umm…no one. Mind your fucking business. You’re saying you have known these people for 4 months and you’re trying to fix a marriage you have absolutely no involvement in? This is their problem. But more than that, it would be nosey of you to interfere in any way. I understand that you may not like what going on but these are all adults making their own choices. No one asked you to referee their lives.
Also, I’d be willing to bet the dude is already cheating. That kind of tension can only go so long before it boils ever. Within 6 months, this whole thing will probably be resolved. South American girl will be back in South america. The guy may or may not be with the side chick, and you will have had nothing to do with it. At least i hope. I get that people sometimes have an urge to try and fix everything that’s broken around them but , a lot of the time, they just end up making it worse.

Dr. Tony:

You mentioned that in college you missed lots of sexual opportunities. I recognize myself has being in a similar position (as in: why did we just sit on her bed and giggle for forty five minutes while making extended eye contact? oh wait sex). how does one break out of this obvious young-man’s pattern?

For me, I broke out of it when I stopped giving as much of a fuck. When I was young, every moment like that was tense and anxious. The fear overrode the excitement. Those feelings still exist but, as you get older, you learn to trust the signals being thrown at you. I’ll never be the type of guy who makes bold power moves at girls. I’m just not that guy. I’d imagine you’re the same way. However, once you get more comfortable in your own skin, gain a little confidence in yourself, you just kinda go with the flow. You learn to close in your own way. Some dudes go in for the kiss at first sign, others just kinda let it come to them and act accordingly.
It should also be noted that girls also get more aggressive with age as well. So, that same girl who you would lay around in bed with for 2 hours almost kissing while you agonized over if her leg was touching your on purpose, will straight up just attack you 5 years later.
The bottom line is that you gotta not look at every situation as a life or death kinda thing. Also, step back from your situation and look at it from the outside. Like , you go home with a girl after a night out. You’re in a bed with her and it’s after a certain hour. By no means should you expect sex but, at the same time, I think it’s safe to assume she may be down to make out. If she rejects you? Then deal with it like a gentleman. But know that, 95% of the time (assuming she’s not resisting along the way) she probably likes you. Just to clarify, I’m not talking about shy girls who get pushed into shady situations but aggressive dudes. That’s totally different. This is more when a girl is leading the evening and , there you are…in bed with her at 2 am. Chances are, you’re good to go. Trust your instincts. A simple thing you can do is just bring up making out conversationally. Talk about it. Her reaction will guide you.

I need your help

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It’s a brand new year everyone. Time to shake of the dust of 2015 and let your hair down.
If you don’t know, this blog is a one man show. I wake up, write whatever it is i’m gonna write then post it. Why? I have no idea. Some of you seem to like it and it definitely gives me something to do in the mornings before I eat.
Anyway, a big part of the blog (i refuse to call it a website) is give and take. For many of my reoccurring columns, I need you guys to participate. So, this post is basically a call to arms. In order for the blog to work…I need you guys.
Okay? Cool. Now , here’s where you help me.
I need things.
If you have any of the following things, you can email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com of leave them in the comments section.

1)Ask Dr. Tony questions
If you got some problems in life that your shitty friends and family aren’t helping you with? Why not ask me? I’ll be honest and offer a new perspective. They can be about anything. Also, it’s always anonymous so don’t worry about your privacy being jeopardized.

2)Answers for questions
As always…i need these. Be creative. Be weird. think outside the box. And ask me literally anything. I’ve rejected maybe 3 questions over the last 6 years and only cause they were asking me to talk about other peoples personal lives.

3)Any ideas of things I should write about?
You think you got an idea that might work? throw it my way. Or, how about are you a person who’s into some weird shit that wants to be interviewed about it? Let’s talk. past interview subjects have been girls who fucked riff raff and guys who sucked their own dick. So, you know…I’m open to suggestions.

4)Demos
I write demo reviews. I need more to review. There are rules though.
1)The header on the email must say “Demo review”
2)If you’ve already submitted, DO NOT submit again. You had your fun now it’s other people’s turn. This includes producers working with new rappers.
3)Send me ONE SONG. Pick your song that is your favorite or the one that best exemplifies your music and shoot it over here. I’m not going to listen to your whole ep.
4)This time around, I’ll only be accepting songs that can be heard via a link. So, no loose mp3′s or myspace pages. I want soundcloud, bandcamp or you can even upload it to an upload site (like divshare.com, hulkshare ect…) that allows the songs to stream. Basically, the streaming part is crucial. If this is something you cannot do, you probably shouldn’t be sending me music in the first place. I also accept youtube video links but, seriously, how you gonna have that be your only form of streaming music online. Soundcloud is free. just sign up and put a song up there.
5)Demo MUST contain original production. I don’t want mixtapes of you rapping over other peoples tracks. I want actual songs. About once a week, I review something only to find out it’s some rare madlib track the person jacked. If you send me something, I want it to 100% be made by you. Sampling is sampling but taking another person finished rap beat and calling it your own is not okay.
6)budding producers: don’t just send me some random beat you made. I want a finished product. If your shit is called “Untitled beat” I will throw it right in the trash. If you made a beat but it’s just drums and a loop, i don’t want it. i want something you’d consider a song that can stand on it’s own. A rap beat with a subtle change does not a song make.

That’s about it for the rules. But there’s more…You must also accept that I will be reviewing your music honestly. I don’t know you. You aren’t my homeboy. I may write some shit you don’t wanna hear/accept. Just know it’s possible you will not be happy with the review. Butthurt responses will be clowned on properly. Trust me, I’m as familiar with internet criticism as any person who makes music for a living. It sucks but it’s part of the deal. After all, you’re sending me your music so I can review it. what else do you expect? By submitting, you’re pretty much agreeing to possibly being let down.
It should also be noted that , genre wise, I’m a rap guy. I like rap music. This can work both for and against you people sending me rap as I will be highly critical of it but there’s also a chance I might actually like it. If it were up to me, I’d ONLY review rap demos. Where as with other genres (particularly instrumental music and electronic type shit) I don’t really listen to that kinda stuff. Feel free to send it but just know my ceiling of enjoyment for that kind of music is typically pretty low. Ironic, I know…but it’s the reality of things.

That’s about it. This blog is a labor of love but I’d be lying if I said i wasn’t running out of content. If you’re a faithful reader or even a casual reader…throw me a bone so I can keep this going. If nothing else, i give you something to read while taking a shit and that has value in this world, goddamnit.

Answers for questions vol. 271

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HAPPY NEWWWWW YEARRRRR!
Right? okay.
Welcome to the all new, updated version of “Answers for Questions”2.0! Just kidding. Same shit, different day.
As always, in order for this column to flourish, I need your help. Ask me things! Get weird! get creative! Oh, and while you’re here, feel free to ask me for advice for the “Ask Dr. Tony” column.
send questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave the questions in the comment section below. Let’s goooooo!

What’s your take on “Once Upon A Time In Shaolin”? It seems the Martin Shkrelli purchased it for 2 million. Guess he used all that AIDS pill money on it?

I can’t help but thinking, if I somehow live 88 years longer and I’m actually able to hear this album, it’ll be like every other full-on Wu-Tang album – 2 or 3 standout tracks, with the rest kinda meh and leaving me reaching for Wu-Tang solo stuff.

I think the idea of making an album, making one copy and selling it for a million bucks is insane. No matter WHO makes it. Like, if Michael Jackson rose from the grave and was like “Here’s the new album!” under the same circumstances, fuck that album.
The fact that Shkrelli dude bought it is even crazier. But he’s proven to a a guy with way too much money and a slightly tilted life view so, hey man, enjoy that album!
But, like you mentioned, the idea of a Wu-tang album in 2016 shouldn’t excite anyone that much. I can’t recall the last time I peeped a Wu album closely but , like you said, they’ve generally been a collection of songs hastily slapped together with 1 or 2 standout tracks. Not exactly a 7 figure piece of art, if you ask me.

I’m interested in vacations. How often do you take vacations? What were your last 5 destinations? Are you more of a domestic vacation guy or do you take trips to other countries? What´s a place that you have some fond memories of?

I don’t really take vacations. I travel so much for work that , when I’m home, I tend to like to stay there. The only vacation I can think of, in recent memory, is going to Miami for 3 days to chill with some friends. That’s it. To be honest, my life is like one big vacation that isoccasionally interrupted but having to travel for shows.
But, in general, I’m happiest when I’m home. All the travel I’ve done has worn me out. I’m sick of airports. I don’t have that fire in me to see new things cause, chances are, I’ll see them anyway later in the year.

If for some reason you had to permanently leave the USA (ecological disaster, political enemies, army of angry ex-girlfriends, take a pick): Where would you go to start a new life? For some added difficulty: It may not be a country where English is the primary language!

So that means no Australia? Cause that would be my first pick. So, excluding canada, Australia and the UK…Hmm…it’s hard to say cause a place like Paris would make a lot of sense. Berlin too…but , at the same time, every time I’ve been to eastern europe, I’m like “Man, I could live here for a little bit and really enjoy myself. Places in Poland and Romania especially. But, I gotta be realistic and recognize that my life revolves around eating delicious food so I’d probably end up in paris, berlin or maybe a city in spain. Food>>>>

Are you and Emancipator bro’s or do you hate one another? Also, who would win in a fist fight?
We have mad beef! Nah man. we’re buddies. We’ve been touring together for, like, 4 years. Probably one of my favorite guys to hit the road with. He’s super chill and just an all around fun guy to be around.
In a fist fight? I dunno. I’m a little bigger than him but he’s younger. Neither of us are particularly rage fueled people either. My guess would be, whoever was angrier at the time.

Which emoji do you think should be invented which hasn’t already been invented?
They need to just drop all the pretenses and make real genital emojis. It’s time. The World is ready. The eggplant has had it’s time. I realize this could be an issue for kids with phones but…I dunno…child proof that shit!
There also seems to be a lack of a convincing “eyeroll” emoji. I know there are ones that mean that but none that feel right. That seems easy enough though.

And this is just a question for here because it’s only a tv question….have you been watching Fargo (the series)? I lovvvvve it
I did and I loved it. The second season was even better than the first. Truly upper tier television. Don’t sleep.

Let’s say you have an opportunity to get completely free rent in a very nice, well located apartment in New York. The only catch is that every room in the apartment shares a wall with a very popular bar. This wall is actually a one-way mirror, so the people in the bar can get drunk while they see your every move. Would you make it work for the free rent?
ehhh…nah. That sounds like a social experiment I want no part of. Aside from the constant lack of privacy, there would be the noise element. Bars in NYC stay open till 4am. That shit would drive me nuts.
I suppose there would be ways around it though. Like created rooms with blankets for walls so all the onlookers could see was just some drapes. But it just seems like a whole to do. Like, Imagine , i bring some girl home and she sees all the blankets up. She’ll either think I’m a serial killer or a manchild who likes to live in a homemade “fort” full time.
I’m good with the apartment I have.