Well, it’s been a while and that means it’s time for “fuck/marry/kill” to rear it’s ugly head. YOu know the game. you’ve played it or been appalled by people playing it. Same difference. As always, i must state that this is all just for fun. Nothing here is meant to be taken seriously and I don’t actually wanna fuck, marry or kill anyone or anything mentioned in this post. So , please, save any potential outrage for something that actually matters. If you have ideas for people/things I should f/m/k, please leave them in the comment section below. Get weird. I’ve been doing this for a while and all the obvious stuff has been done. Trust me.
Super-heroine edition: Wonder Woman, Black Widow, She-Hulk
Marry: Wonder Woman
I’d like to start this off by saying I think super hero based movies and comics are lame.No disrespect to all you people getting your costumes fit for comic-con. That’s just me. Just saying that to preface my lack of knowledge on all things comic book related.Anyway…
Wonder Woman is the only character, of these three, that I really know. I know her cause she was around on TV when I was a kid. I’ve seen many incarnations of her. They’re always a very pretty brunette who flies an invisible plane. And does’t she have magic bracelets or some shit? Who knows? Anyway, from the barely passing interest, I can surmise that she’s a good person who is just out in these streets trying to make a difference. Can’t knock that. So, I’d assume she’s quite a catch. But , really, that invisible plane, son. Imagine never having to wait in an airport again and just whipping through the sky like you were a bird? That alone has me sold.
Oh, you mean Scarlett Johansson? Yeah, I want to have sex with her.
Not sure about what the Black Widow does but ,I’d imagine, if her name is any relation to the actual insect, she fucks guys and kills them afterwards? Surely that can’t be her secret power? Like I said, i know nothing about the comic book shit. Judging from the pic, she wears leather and shoots guns. I’ve also seen an avengers movie and she didn’t seem like she was out there boning guys and killing them right after. Still, if I’m gonna go out, having sex with Scarlett Johansson wouldn’t be the worst way to go. Definitely better than shattering my hip when I’m 85 or some random disease.
Kill: She Hulk
I figure I’d kill her before she kills me. Again, I know nothing of she-hulk. I’m actually not certain this is even a thing *quickly googles it* Okay, I guess it’s KIND OF a thing.
Definitely no She-Hulk Movies coming out and they made an Ant Man movie so, clearly, this is a D level super hero. Oh look! It’s the hulk but with a vagina!
On a more practical level, I’m a pretty steady guy, mood wise. I don’t get to high or too low. Because of this, I’ve never been into people who are unlike that. Call me crazy but I think that She-hulk may be a touch volatile for me. Just a hunch.
Also, i’m not really attracted to really buff women. Like body builder types? Nah, b. So there is that too.
Breakfast Bread edition: Bagel, Croissant, Muffin
Listen, muffins are cool and all but I’m not a dude who craves sweet things when I wake up. I’m bout that savory life. And, really, blueberry muffins are the only type I ever really crave. So, sorry, muffins but you are a third tier breakfast option. I’m not mad when I have one but it’s rare I’ll even think to get one. If I’m at a hotel and they have a continental breakfast in the morning, the last thing I reach for is that muffin. So, sorry, I’m crumbling you up in my hand and leaving you for dead on the table.
I fucking love a good croissant. There are few things better to me than a buttery, warm croissant being stuffed into my greasy fat mouth. However, I couldn’t eat one every day. It’s just too decadent. Ideally, it would be great but the reality is I’d die of a heart attack by 50 if I went with that. Croissants are a special occasion type of thing. And, for this occasion, I’d want to be lowered naked into a swimming pool filled with warm croissants. I would eat and fuck my way out of the pool with no hesitation, stepping out the pool glistening like a new born baby.
I’m a New Yorker. Part Jew. Bagels are our life blood. I remember the first time I traveled down south and I met people who didn’t know what a bagel was. Probably cause they didn’t know any jews. I felt bad for them. Bagels offer so much. They can be toast. The can be bread for a sandwich. And they can be covered in all sorts of crap. Some place opened near me a few years ago that was bagel bites , filled with flavored cream cheeses. Yes please. What about pizza bagels? I could go on forever. The secret to a healthy marriage is keeping things fresh and switching it up every now and then. With bagels, I would never have to worry about that.
F/M/K presidential candidates edition: Carly Fiorina, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin
Fuck: Sarah Palin
I know killing her would be the right thing to do but I’m still a dumb animal and she’s still the most attractive choice. And , deep down, there is a nasty side to her. I don’t mean her politics, which are fucking abhorrent. I mean sexually. This is a lady who was once a newscaster and fucked basketball player Glen Rice. That doesn’t mean much but, to me, it says she’s down to have a good time. Or, at least, I can convince myself she may have been like that at one point. Now she’s just batshit crazy and dumb as a bag of bibles.
Kill: Carly Fiorina
She got those crazy eyes. She’s got those crazy politics. I also know the least about her, of the three options so, it’s not hard to throw her in the kill pile. Female republicans are a baffling bunch. It’s a brand of self loathing i can’t wrap my head around. Yeah…i dunno what else to say about this one. It just is. Sometimes things just fall into place.
Marry: Hillary Clinton
Duh. I’m not even a person who’s super gung ho about Hillary but , clearly, she is wifey material when placed next to these two lunatics. I feel about marrying Hillary the same way I do about her being president. It’ll do. I don’t love everything about her. I kinda think she’s a bit too much “in the game” but, at the same time, so is every other politician not named trump or sanders. So, if she wins, things will be fine. If she’s nominated, she’s getting my vote. If I married her, in this completely unrealistic situation, things would also be fine. We’d skip all the exciting newlywed stuff and slip right into the boring, comfort part of marriage where you barely speak to each other at length but you don’t really have any true disdain for your partner. You know, that long term relationship sweet spot, right before you realize you don’t ever wanna be in the same room with the love of your life. Ah…Marriage.
Fuck: The Bronx
I used to go up to the bronx and record occasionally. It was my first time as an adult , being in the borough.It was kinda cool. Sure, it was foreign and somewhat terrifying but it had a distinct vibe to it. The people are cool too. At this point, the Bronx is NYC’s final piece of authenticity. It hasn’t been taken over and ruined by people moving in from other states. People who move there tend to be coming from other countries. Big difference. The reason I’d fuck it and not marry it is cause, well, it’s so fucking far away. it’s just a train ride I’m not willing to make on the daily. So, I’d make the trip once to make sweet love on Fordham road.
Queens is fucking Huuuuuuge. It’s got so many parts and different vibes to it that marrying it makes sense. The variety would be awesome. It’s a place that is known for having all the secretly best ethnic food and that’s some shit I could immerse myself in deeply. Truth be told, I’m in queens maybe once every 6 years but still…I know it’s got stuff. And, hell, if I’m married to queens for a while and feel like it’s time to move to a more quiet neighborhood, there are areas in Queens that are straight up suburbs. Picket white fences and all that shit. I like the idea of having options. Not even Manhattan or BK can offer that. But, really, I’m wifing it for the food.
Kill: Staten island
LOL. Yeah…obviously. Outside of Wu-tang and “The situation” , I honestly wouldn’t even know if S.i. ever existed. I went there once as a kid. Let’s just say it didn’t leave much of a mark on me. All i know about it is that it’s full of racist italians and it’s also a place where they set up huge housing complexes for mentally unstable people to live in. That’s a great thing to do but I’ll be damned if I wanna be anywhere near that shit. Easy choice. Sorry S.I. and Sorry Wu tung.