New Spark master Tape Is coming and so am I

Get it, “coming”? I should be spelling it with the “Cu” but I don’t wanna too gross in the headline.

So, I’m still on the road and don’t have time to write anything of length but , lucky me, a new Spark master Tape video just dropped and I’m so excited for this shit to drop. Why not share the joy…

To all the people who don’t like it or don’t get it, namaste and all that good shit but I legit haven’t been this excited for an album in a long time.

Questions for answers Vol.. 283

Hi there everyone.
How you been? i’ve been traveling so this is the first time I’ve had a chance to write anything for this blog in a week. You know how that shit go…
Anyway, this is answers for questions. You ask me stuff and I answer it. You got a questions you wanna ask me? Go nuts. Get weird. be inventive. Send it to me at or leave it in the comment section. I’m always taking submissions so don’t hesitate.
Okay, let’s see this weeks batch…it’s an interesting one.

Good idea or a bad one?

Fucking brilliant idea.
You know, walking with your head down , buried in your phone, is one of those things I both detest but , shamefully, will sometimes do. I try my best to not do it. I’ll often stop walking and step to the side just to make sure I don’t do it but nobodies perfect…it happens. The two lane sidewalk thing would fix all of that. In general, I feel we need two lanes for slow walkers who are just floating through life not giving a fuck about other peoples time and space so, yeah, I’m all in on this one. Thank you, China.

Would you rather get a kick in the dick every week for a year straight or never take a nap again in your life?
Oh faithful reader, you thought you had a good one here but you were mistaken.
Without question, I chose the latter. Why, you ask? CAUSE I CAN’T NAP ANYWAY.
Yup, I never nap. Ever. I have a serious problem falling asleep during the day and, at best, I can shut my eyes for a few hours but still be kind of awake. It’s a struggle and I’m certainly jealous of people who have that life skill but this may be the one situations where it actually feels like an advantage for me. You’re basically asking “Would you rather get kicked in the dick every week for a year or continue living your life exactly as it is?”. I think the answer is clear.

When did you know you were straight? Hetero. Serious question.
I mean, everybody at SOME point has probably been like “Hey that guy is really attractive… do I… ? Am I… should I try…?” and then either tried it and realized (either way), or just KNEW. What’s your story?

I don’t think I ever questioned it that deeply. When I came of age where I started being attracted to girls, I was straight. So, I guess I just knew. At the same time, being straight doesn’t mean I can’t look at a dude and recognize he’s good looking. The two things are not mutual at all. Now, if I look at that same guy and think “He’s a good looking guy…I wonder what it would be like to make out with him?” that’s something different but, for me, it was always like “Yup, that guy looks like he probably gets a ton of pussy”.
Also, when I say I never though about it, that’s a generational thing. Sexual identity wasn’t the same as it is today. When i hear high school/college kids talk about their sexual identity today, it blows my mind. It’s as if simply being a straight dude is looked upon as boring and lame. Like I’ve heard all these caveats like “Well, I identify as straight but I have bi sexual leanings and I’m sapiosexual” and that’s coming out the mouth of a fucking 16 year old. My generation simply wasn’t concerned/aware of those kinda of things. Granted, being a gay kid back then was also probably a nightmare so it’s not a bad thing that the tides have turned. But there is a part of me that feels a lot of these kids don’t really know what they are yet and are just saying whatever they feel is cool. I’m very happy that people have more freedom now to live as they want to but teenagers are still teenagers and, you know, teenagers are stupid and full of shit in general. Not their fault though…they’re teenagers.

I don’t know if you already wrote about friendzone but I ask you this: Is it possible to get out of the friendzone or we friendzoned guys are condamned to ethernity?

Is it possible? Sure. “anything is possible”. I’ve had sex with girls I was friendzoned by and it was always a mess afterwards. Like, it finally happens and you’re all excited but, at that point, you’re no longer obsessing over it like you were back when you were locked in that box. It also generally happens after the crush has waned. Like, if a girl seriously has you in the friendzone, you’re not gonna get out of it anytime soon. She’s made the decision that that’s where you stand with her and nothing you can do will change that. Only time can shift things. Not to mention, when it happened to me, I felt pangs of resentment towards the girl after like “Oh, NOW it’s okay?” Which is ridiculous but I was also pretty young and petty so I suppose it goes with the territory.
So, yeah, you could get out but , chances are if you’re really there, by the time you get out, it won’t matter much to you anyway. I guess you could call it bad timing.

You’re a guy who loves food. What are some of your go-to items? What ethnic/regional cuisines are your favorites, and which ones can you not get down with? Are you mainly a meat entree kinda guy, or do you have some favorite vegetarian dishes too?

I do love food and I pretty much eat it all. I am a meat guy and , in general, my main dish will include some sort of dead animal in it. beef and lamb are my go to but I also love pork and chicken so I tend to keep it pretty versatile when ordering meals.
As for ethnic/regional…I eat tons of middle eastern food, japanese, italian, etc…There’s very few regions I don’t like. One thing I’m not crazy about is Thai food. I mean, it’s good and I’ll eat it no problem but it’s definitely never something I seek out. I’m not a huge fan of mixing sweet with meats and I also have a cap on how spicy I can take food so Thai food often kinda plays into my disinterests.
I don’t generally eat anything specifically vegetarian but I do like veggies…especially when they’re next to some meat.

I had a strong experience with your music last night. What did you do this weekend?

Well, I’m sitting in a hotel in montreal right now writing this. I played shows with Eliot Lipp in NYC and Burlington this weekend. I’m tired, mildly hungover and regretting that 3 am kabab I had last night.
Today, we drive back to NYC then head down south to finish our tour dates for this week. Moving and shaking, brah.

Whats the most unpleasant interaction you’v had with another celebrity?
Probably the time marky mark spat in my mouth while we were kissing.
Just kidding.
Hmm…lemme think. I honestly have never been one to try and talk to famous people. My early experiences with it were such that I think I learned that some famous people are assholes/don’t wanna be bothered. I’ve never had a celebrity flat out do anything awful to me. Steve Guttenberg once played out me and my friends outside a club in the mid 90’s but that was actually awesome. We were clowning him cause, well, he was Steve guttenberg but then he walked by us and a girl asked him what he was doing. he looked at us and said “I think I’m gonna hang with these guys!” then laughed and got into a limo with 4 models. He shut us right the fuck up.

The only unpleasant experience I can think of is one I’ve mentioned here before…but I met Q-tip on the street when I was like 15. He wasn’t even famous yet. This was before “Low end Theory” had even dropped. My friend and I went up to him and he gave me the most “yeah whatever son…” pound I’ve ever had in my life. It was just super dismissive and made me feel like shit for even saying a word to him. But that’s as bad as it’s been. Th secret is to not put yourself out there too much for celebrities cause, in general, they don’t give a fuck about meeting you and that is how you taint your idealized version of your heroes.

Would you rather have sex with a mermaid or a reverse-mermaid?
I suppose it depends what the head game is like, right? i can’t exactly bone some gills.
At the same time, as much as I like a beautiful ass, I doubt I would be into boning one connected to a fish head. I’mma take the normal mermaid just cause the other way would be to weird.

Here’s a dope album for you to check out

I typically do “Yay or Nay” here but a former “Yay or Nay” subject has recently put out a great new album that deserves to be shared. L.A’s KoreaTown Oddity just released “5 Chuckles”. It’s him and Producer Ras G.
Gotta say, I post a lot of music on here but nothing seems like it will be more up the alley of my readership than this. It’s like if Madlib made an album in the early 90’s. Vocals samples, quirky loops, and just a overall very coherent flow to the entire album. All I kept thinking while listening to it was how it’s mood really bought me back to what albums used to sound like. Before people just slapped together a bunch of songs and, instead, really took their time crafting an album as something that works when played front to back. It was nice to hear again.
Koreatown Oddity, as you can imagine from his name, is not your typical rapper. He’s a weirdo. And that’s great. He’s not out here doing crazy flow patterns or anything but his originality is found in his basic personality. He’s a character. I don’t mean that in a “he’s a made up person” kinda way. I mean, just off listening to this album, you can tell he’s on his own shit. So, yeah, peep the album. I think you’ll like it. Hell, even buy that shit and support an artist. That would be nice of you!

Answers for Questions vol. 282

Sup yo.
Welcome to another edition of “Answers for Questions”. you guys ask, i answer. I can always use more questions so don’t be shy. Fire away. Send any questions to or leave them in the comment section below. Be weird. Be creative. It helps make this column more readable.

Also, I will be heading out on tour tomorrow with Eliot Lipp. East coast, west coast and some southern dates as well. For more info on that, here are the dates in one nifty flyer:
It also means I’ll be slacking on this blog for a few weeks so, you know, if that’s the type of shit you care about…my bad, b. Duty calls. hopefully I’ll find time to fire off a few updates a week but who knows?

I am in the worst fucking female slump in my life. Real shit, I’m either getting no love, or it’s some lead you on/bait and switch bullshit. My question is, have you ever been in an extended slump with the ladies, and if so, how did you get out of it?

I’ve had one truly long slump in my adult life (6 months) and it was due to me trying to get over a girl. So, in a way, it was self imposed. At first is was me not even trying and having no interest but, as that part waned, I just found myself out of synch in general, when it came to meeting girls. During that time, I must have been emanating “loser”. It was in my 20’s and it was like a perfect storm of no pussy. My ex deaded me. All my regular hook ups got boyfriends. All my friends were in relationships and the internet was not what it is today. It seemed hopeless. I’d like to say there was something I specifically did to get me out of it but that’s not true. Truth is, I met a girl who was down to hook up with me and I hooked up with her. There was no pep talk or self help maneuver. It simply finally happened. i will say this though…getting that action put me right back in the game. Like, that following week, the flood gates burst open and it was like a whole new ballgame. It’s funny to think about cause the scent of desperation must really be a real thing to girls. I think the best way to get out of a slump is cross your fingers and hope you find a girl with a shitty sense of smell.

How do you keep from eating terribly while on tour? I imagine it is easy to get fat living that lifestyle.
I don’t…i eat like shit on tour. Especially if I’m flying a lot. My recent tour in europe had me having a meal a day in an airport for 10 days. You where it’s hard to eat healthy? Airports. Especially when you lack any self control and figure “eh, fuck it…” when deciding on meals. Sure, i could get a gross airport salad and a banana for lunch but…fuck that…I’m eating another burger cause it’s there and being in a airport is torture enough.
I’ve been on some tours where you eat healthier than others. Tours that are driven definitely make that possible. Stops at whole foods and all that shit. It also depends where you’re touring. Down south or the midwest is always gonna be harder to find healthy food that isn’t gross while touring the coasts are a little easier.
In general, I just try to eat GOOD food. I love food more than…well…anything…so, when I’m in a city, i want to eat a good version of whatever that city is known for. BBQ, Sushi, a local sandwich, etc…
It’s not healthy but neither is being sad cause you’re hungry all day. That said, it is a wonder i’m not the fattest man on earth at this point.

Do guys really cum in to gym socks, then keep those socks around under their bed so they can use them again later? Or is that just a thing from the movies? Why? Doesn’t this cause more problems than it solves? Soooo gross!

I’ve never done that in my life cause I’m not a savage. More than that, i’m aware of these things called “tissues”. They’re great. It’s , soft, thin paper made for collecting unwanted fluids from the human body. They even can be flushed down the toilet. It’s truly a great time to be alive during a time when tissues are available to wipe cum off of things with.
I’m sure some people bust nuts in socks. Seems like some shit you do when you’re in high school, disgusting and too lazy to simply not cum in a sock. That was never my bag though .

Do you think that Common & Laura Dern are really dating or is this just a baseless rumor? I hope it’s true haha.

What? Is that true? I haven’t seen a thing about it but, judging from Commons choice in pants the last 5 years, it’s totally plausible.

How do you view the impact that soundcloud has had on the music industry? Both as a musician who posts new content and as a listener who is able to connect with fans of music you like yourself. Do you find that you are better able to reach prospective fans, or do you think it promotes a sort of “tunnel vision” sequestering you to a specific genre of both music and people?

As an artist, I have no problem with Soundcloud. I wish I had made a profile sooner, to be honest. It’s simply a great way to share music. It also is cool cause sometimes you need a platform to just put random shit out. Not things you wanna sell or not full albums. Just a song or remix here and there to keep fans paying attention between projects. Gotta keep them appetites whet.
As a fan, I love it cause many of the artists I fuck with are fairly obscure but have soundcloud pages they are diligent about. So, i get to hear new music by artists I like all the time. That’s a pretty cool concept, compared to the days of simply waiting on albums or guest appearances.
The music industry is so far beyond a point where sales matter that a site like soundcloud isn’t hurting anyone. It’s promotion. There are tons of artists who got a name off of there and now have sustainable careers.
As for the “Tunnel vision” point, I don’t quite understand. There are all sorts of artists on there. Every type of music. If you wanna find some polka on soundcloud, you can. If you want norwegian death metal, it’s there too. So, really, it doesn’t promote tunnel vision at all. That’s entirely up to the person using it.

I don’t watch reality television (it just isn’t something I find very interesting), so I’m in no position to assess them, but after x-number of years being on tv, there are still people who incessantly bash on the Kardashians. I’m wondering what you think of people who shit on the Kardashians as if they murder babies for a living?

Here’s the thing about the kardashians…they are awful. Like, really…with the exception of Khloe, they all just seem like despicable , vapid human beings who are a glaring example of many of the things wrong with american culture. So, i get why people have such vitriol towards them. That said…it’s out fault they’re successful so , perhaps, we should look inward a little and take some of the blame. No one makes people watch that show, buy their products and put money in their pockets. If people stopped caring, they would go away. Like, when’s the last time you saw paris hilton on TV? Sure, she’s still rich but no one is giving her money for being on TV at this point. For every kardashian, there’s some other person just like them who didn’t blow up. Like that weird blonde teenager who married that old dude then got a few shows on VH1. She’s basically doing porn at this point cause people care so little and she needs to make money. That could have easily been Kim Kardashian but it wasn’t…So here we are. Well done, guys!

Hey Block, big fan here. Do you spend much time pondering some of the bigger questions in life? Such as: why are we here? how did existence come to be? does anything matter?

Never. Like, literally, not ever. What’s the point? I don’t have an answer. No one does. I try not to spend time thinking about things of that nature that I have no control over. To be honest, I’m not even curious. We’e born, we live, we die. That’s about it. Sure, we’re all beings and have our own minds. We live our lives differently etc…but why are we here? Cause our parents fucked…and their parents fucked…and their parents fucked X100000000.
Instead of worrying about that kinda shit, I’d rather just try and be a decent person while I’m here. It’s really that simple.

Demo reviews Vol. 78

Hi there and welcome to a new edition of “Demo reviews”. It’s been a minute. Not gonna lie…I really have to psych myself up to even do these cause they’re often so painful. Happy to say this week is actually one of the strongest weeks in recent memory, if not ever. So, thanks to all the people who make these songs. It’s a rare feat for me to not walk away from writing this in a worse mood.
Anyway, the reviews work like so. I listen to the track, write a paragraph or two on the song then arbitrarily rate the songs from 1-10 in these categories:

That’s about it.
Oh, and I’m not accepting demo submissions at the moment. The queue is pretty full so I’mma give it a little time before I reopen the flood gates. Just a heads. Don’t send me shit right now. i don’t want it.
Okay, here’s this weeks batch!

Artist: od
Song: Georgia Bread

Off the bat , I liked this beat. It’s mix is a touch sloppy but the overall quality is high. Nice layering and changes keep it interesting. The rapper is dope too. Great voice and presence. Some of the lines don’t hit or are corny but that’s a small complaint. This is one of those rare demos where I see a lot of promise and , down the road, it’s the type of artist I would certainly check for. Overall, one of the better demo’s I’ve heard on here in a while.
Production:7 out of 10
Vocals:6.5 out of 10
Listenability:7 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Dugen Nash
Song: Oh Velma Feat. Vulgar Blast

This is a weird one. I mean, it’s a love ode to Velma from Scooby Doo. I’m not mad at it though. It strangely works. I mean shit, if you can make a hit about dancing like “Weekend at Bernies” is this so off point?
The rapping is entertaining and silly but done well. Well, the first verse at least…the second verse kinda flies off the rails in both it’s flow and understandability.
The beat works for what it is.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:7 out of 10
Originality:6 out of 10

Artist: Two Guns west
Song: Dust on my boots

Is this what Bubba Sparxx was going for?
This is another funny, weird song. Two in a row. It’s true redneck rap done with a wink. They really nail it though. The beat, especially is perfectly done and the overall production of the song is really tight. The rapping is fun. I don’t know how far you could take this concept but, for one song, it’s fun.
Production:6.5 out of 10
Vocals:6 out of 10
Listenability:6 out of 10
Originality:6 out of 10

Artist: Andy O.
Song: Tiger Lily & pete

After all these weird ass demo’s this feels almost too normal. Yes, it’s another song about something totally random. Peter pan. Topically, this week has been off the chain thus far.
Anyway, the beat is okay. I don’t love it and it needs more changes to keep it interesting but it’s not bad.
The rapping falls into that “capable, white but ultimately uninteresting” Category that most underground sounding rap seems to fall into. Dude is not bad at rapping at all. You can tell he takes pride in the writing but do i really feel like listening to it? Not really. Still…it’s far from shitty.

Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Song: Sully You fool

This is some inspirational “You can get out of bed!” kinda music. It’s happy and hopeful. I don’t really know what else to do with it though. i would say this: I would start with the slow drums and work up towards the faster drum sequence used in the beginning. Maybe it’s just me but it takes some wind out of the sails when a song starts upbeat then turns into something more downbeat when there hasn’t be anything to really lead you to that conclusion. Not sure if that makes sense but, in my head, it does.
Production:5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Logikk and Reason
Song: Rebuilding (hamers and nails)

Not gonna lie, I saw the group name and the spelling of Logikk and assumed these guys were from eastern europe. They aren’t, apparently. Just an idea but that name…it’s not good. It’s really bad. Even by early 2000’s underground rap standards
The music kinda fits the name though. It’s got a very early 2000’s sensibility to it, lyrically. The rapper can write but his voice isn’t really engaging and he’s borrowing from his idols a bit too heavily.
Beatwise, it just sounds kinda unpolished. Like , it’s not mixed poorly but the sounds and the string samples are all just so “blah”.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Kilmatik
Song: Zero Weirdos Feat. Robbie Analog

This is pretty cool. The beat is solid and the rapping has it’s charm. I like the Mc’s voice and he sounds confidant in his verses. And then you got a Kool Keith verse. What?!?! Kinda cheating to send this as your demo. But, yeah, this shit is cool. The ending change up kinda comes out of nowhere but I appreciate the effort.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:6.5 out of 10
Listenability:6 out of 10
Originality:5.5 out of 10

Artist: Amen BK
Song: Another Perspective

This is a good attempt but, i dunno, it’s corny. Like, there’s nothing really wrong with it but it sounds like someone reading a college freshman’s high thoughts over an enya song with drums on it. It’s like that faux deep shit I just have no stomach for. If I was having a conversation with someone and they started saying stuff like this to me, I’d assume they were super coked up or on mushrooms and I’d try to remove myself from the situation.
The beat is well made and has a definitive mood to it but coupled with the rhymes , it’s almost overkill.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

So, what do you think?

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 53

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on the internet.
Listen, we all got problems and I don’t know you BUT I’m a level headed guy with some decent life experience. So, instead of consoling in your biased friends who don’t really care about your problems in the first place, why not run it by me? I’m impartial and have nothing to lose or gain by throwing my two cents at you.
If you have any life problems (love and beyond) I’d like to hear them and see if I can give you a new perspective. I’m not here to blow smoke up your ass. I don’t know you, dude. I have no reason to not be totally honest. So, if you have any questions of this sort that you want help with, fire away! Send them to my email or leave them in the comment section. It’s always anonymous and I’m never full of shit. Go for it. I’m here to help.

I’ve been with my GF for about 2.5 years. She’s madly in love with me, and indulges (or at least tries to indulge) my every whim. That being said, I’ve grown tremendously bored of this relationship. Here’s the 3 primary issues we’re having

Sex Appeal – Holy shit, I never realized how crucial charisma and self confidence are in regards to a woman’s sexuality. My girlfriend has SERIOUS insecurity/body image issues and they’re undoubtedly the reason she’s so damn boring in bed. It’s holding her back. We’ve experimented but it’s always at my insistence, and no matter how many times I spell out that x, y, and z turn me on, she fails to fully actively and consistently satisfy those needs. I’m attracted to her, she’s beautiful…but her sex game is just wack, man. The head is good and so is her love box, but she just can’t be “hot” or “sexy” for me. I’ve been trying to help her develop her sexuality for over a year now and I’m starting to feel like my efforts have been in vain.

Intelligence – How I can phrase this so as to not seem like a dick? My girl isn’t stupid, but I’m definitely a lot smarter than her. I’m no Einstein, but I’m fairly sharp and I hold intellect in high regard. I look at a mentally stimulating conversation like ping pong, back and forth with quips of wit and humor or thought provoking insight. With my girlfriend, it’s sort of like as soon as I serve the ball it bounces off her side of the table and into oblivion. She just can’t hang. Whether I’m discussing the ethics of water fluoridation or the war on drugs she’s almost like a parrot, regurgitating the same 2-3 word responses and being a passive participant in the conversation. She has so little to contribute and it really sucks. Ultimately, it’s because she doesn’t or didn’t think about that shit before I brought it up with her. To sum this up, the mental stimulation just isn’t there and I’m not sure if there’s any way to rectify that.

Clingy – We’ve lived together for the past 1.5 years or so and boy do I hate it. I hardly do anything without her – she feels offended if I don’t invite her to my gigs and nearly always tries to lay a guilt trip on me. I’ve expressed to her that we need space and that it’ll strengthen our relationship if we don’t engage in every activity together. Still, we end up being together the majority of most days and I feel suffocated. Honestly, I can’t go to the store without her wanting to tag along. Fuck is the point of that? She won’t even purchase anything half of the time. About 6 months into the relationship she snooped through my phone and found nothing. I found that out last year. She claims that she was even crazier and more insecure back then but I’m of the school of thought that behavior like that is deeply rooted.

Taking the aforementioned issues into consideration, my girlfriend is super nice to me and accomadates my idiosyncrasies quite well…I have god awful anxiety/OCD. Also, she pays the entire rent for our 2 bedroom apartment. This is admittedly part of the reason we haven’t broken up yet. Am I dick for that? I just can’t afford to live on my own and my options are limited at the moment, but I feel like if we didn’t live together this could possibly work. Living with her is so much more of a compromise than being intimate with her whilst still having my own personal space.

There’s much more but I’ll cut this short. Is there any hope this 2.5 year affair could be salvaged? Should I just suck it up and move out? Should I keep working with her so we could eventually reenact that “Yeezy Taught Me” skit?

I care about her alot but at times I feel like maybe I’m just using her and convincing myself otherwise.

Dude…Come on…
This relationship is a nightmare and you and I both know the only reason you’re still with her is cause you need a place to stay. You need to end it for the sake of you both. What you basically described is two people who connect on no level outside of “she takes care of me”. She’s more like a nanny that you fuck (that you don’t even like fucking). It’s selfish of you to even indulge this shit.
There’s nothing to salvage. You don’t respect her, you’re not turned on by her and I’m fairly certain you actually actively dislike her. Like, i bet, when she walks in the room, you literally groan internally and wish she would leave immediately. These things don’t improve with time and moving in with someone only speed the process.
The irony is that part of her clinginess might have to do with her sensing you being removed and your growing disinterest. You say she’s insecure well, know what makes a girl even more insecure? When she thinks her boyfriend doesn’t like her…and she’s right. So, yeah man, do both of you guys a favor and cut it off. i realize that , logistically it’s a nightmare cause you live together and you’re broke but this your life. This is her life. You both can move on from this the sooner you dead it.

I have a question (maybe it’s for dr. Tony, you decide) for you. It’s like this, I have a girlfriend for quite some time now (around 8 years) and we are both in our very late twenties (i know, started too early, shit happens). She is a very nice person (to a fault actually, sometimes it gets on my nerves, but I can’t really say that being nice is a bad thing so, fuck me), we get along well most of the time and she is a good person to be around in general, which is underrated when it comes to girlfriends.
But there is one thing about her that I really don’t like and it’s her birthday. When I have my birthday it’s a pretty usual day, my mother calls, my grandparents call me, a couple of friends wish me a happy BD and that’s it. Maybe I go out and get drunk with friends if I feel like it, but that’s it and I feel like this is how adults should “celebrate” bullshit like this. I was born on this day, who gives a shit? It comes around every year, you should get tired of it by the time you are 25 or sooner. But not her.
Her mother makes her a cake and then we have to go to her parents place, we sing her happy birthday, she blows the fucking candles like a fucking 8 year old, her mother takes pictures (which are always the same, us sitting behind a table with a cake), sometimes even her stupid girl-friend or two come by. I mean, please, is this normal? Does she desperately want children of her own? Are her parents retarded for doing this (they are soooo overprotective, they still treat her like a child and tell her not to go out when it’s dark and shit like that, and she is soon to be 30)? I mean, am I weird? Do many people do stuff like this this late in their lives? I get it later when you are like 87 and every BD is like a blessing and you don’t know how long you are going to last and I understand celebrating your 30, 40, 50 etc…like some milestones, but having your 28 with a cake at your parents house the same as if you are 8? How do I tell her it is not really a normal thing to do? Actually skip this, I have already told her it is childish and weird but she doesn’t get it. How do I get her to get it? My theory is that she really wants a baby (she has mentioned it a couple of times lately) and that might switch her attention to the little one, but it might have the opposite effect and she becomes more childish? And she is not a spoiled barbie girl in everyday life, she is a normal person with a job and a life who is fun to hang out with. Please don’t tell me to get over it and that I only have to deal with it one day every year. It’s the principle, the whole thing is so fucking retarded to me that I can’t handle it anymore. Please help, lol.

Listen, on one hand, i agree with you that birthdays are stupid past a certain age. If anything, they’re an excuse to gather some friends and give you all an excuse to get drunk. That said, your issue with your girl is pretty fucking petty. So she likes to go see her family and have cake? Maybe she loves her family and tradition in general. Do you know how lucky you have it. When I started reading your question I was expecting it to go a totally different way. I thought you were gonna speak about people who treat their birthday like a week long event that everyone is supposed to cater to. On some “Well, wednesday is my birthday but tuesday we’re getting together for drinks, wednesday we have a small dinner party with close friends, then friday we’re all gonna go to great adventure leading into the big party on saturday!”
You know that’s a real thing people (girls) do, right? So, compare that to the simple shit your girl is into. You should feel blessed it’s that simple. I get going to spend the day with the in laws can be annoying but, hey, it’s what she wan’t to do for her birthday and she’s not asking much of you by doing so.
Your theories on why she does this are pointless. She does it cause she likes it. It’s comfortable. The reality is, YOU don’t like doing it so you gotta try and find a reason to shit on it. I’m sure it’s boring, lame and all that stuff but guess what? It’s called boyfriend duties. You gotta do it with a smile. It’s part of the deal.

Okay, so I’m a bit of a rookie when it comes to the dating game as I was in a nine-year relationship and have been bumbling around on the dating scene for around two years. Met a new girl and did all the things, with the relationship ending reasonably after six months.

Being green to the whole scene, we kept sleeping with each other which I obviously enjoyed but it made things difficult when she ghosted from that and blocked me on every format. Anyway, we have a horde of mutual friends and a birthday is coming up, where she will be there.

I’ve only seen her once and it was an otherworldly awkward encounter and spoke to her before that telling her that I missed her, with her basically telling me that I was acting like a child.

How the fuck have you survived these encounters? Advice will be good as I feel like I’m either going to neck an entire bottle of Jager to survive or wear a wig and play it off like I’m a German tourist who mangles the English language.

You just gotta go into these kinda situations prepared for an awkward moment. There will be one. It’s gonna suck, but then it will be over and you can carry on with your night. What you DON’T wanna do is sit there looking wantonly over your shoulder all fucking night and checking on what she’s doing. That’s not the move. You also don’t want to get too drunk and embarrass yourself. From the sound of it, she’s over you. There’s not point trying to push your way back in. Simply go to the party, act like she’s not there. When you see her, keep it civil and brief and move on. I’m assuming you will know other people there so don’t get hung up on her. It’s a party. Mingle. Perhaps look for a new girl to have a 6 month fling with. They’re out there, bro.

About a 3 months ago I started fooling around with this girl from work(we work in a cell phine store) Started out as just texting everyday shooting the shit and joking around. One night a bunch of us coworkers got drunk and she started making out with me. I guess all the signs that she wanted to fuck me flew over my head. She tells me that she only wants a physical thing and I agree to it. Anyways, as the time goes on we grow a little closer. Going out, talking and texting all day and stuff, far beyond what we intended.
At this point she’s told me a few times how special I am to her and how much she really likes me and how I’m so respectful and cool and and I’ve reciprocated the feelings. But there’s been more that a few times where she gets mad at me for either some really trivial things or for absolutely nothing at all. She’ll start saying how she’s never gonna talk to me again and all this stuff. Usually by the next day she’s fine and all goes back to relative normalness. Or she’ll just say that we shouldn’t see each other anymore and then after I try to probe more, she’ll drop to he subject and move one. This happens about once every 2 weeks. What the fuxk do you make of this? And how can I try to handle this. I know this shits gonna fall theough at some point but I’m just kinda living in the now. When this shit inevitably hits the fan, how do I handle the fallout in to the most civil way possible due to us working together in a close environment like a cellphone store.
That’s pretty much the jist of it. If you have any questions or anything I should elaborate on let me know.

Oh, good old “shitting where you eat”. It makes so much sense but it’s such a danger zone.
I’m only going off what you wrote so my assumptions could be wrong. For all I know, you’re mad annoying or distant and that’s why she freaks out every 2 weeks but, if what you say is true it could be for many reasons. One could be that she wants a committed relationship and feels weird bringing that to your attention so she lashes out when her emotions get the best of her. I’ve definitely dealt with that many times and all you can do is weather the storm or bow out. In your case, it’s tricky cause you are co-workers.

It seems to me that you have already decided that this relationship has an expiration date. So, if making her your GF is off the table, i’d say it’s best to back out now. I’ve always been of the school that you can ride the wave of a relationship gray area (Not just fuck buddies but not a couple) until it becomes a point of contention. Then you gotta make a decision. Once the “So, what ARE we?” pandoras box is opened, there is no turning back. If I had to guess, I know which way you’re leaning so , due to the delicate working together angle, i think you gotta find away to break it off as amicably as possible. Living in the now is cool but you guys work together. You keep on this path and it will eventually blow up in your face. I would say, the next time she gets on one of her “we should not see each other anymore” kicks, go with it. Agree with it and be as kind and understanding as you can. When that happens, we are faced with a fork in the road and too often, against our own wants and sanity, we choose the easy path cause it’s less hassle. You gotta take a deep breath and say “You know, you’re right…” then gently put this thing to bed. It sucks. It always does but there’s no reason to keep a dead end relationship going, especially if it’s full of drama. Things will be awkward at work for a little but I’m sure it will simmer down eventually. just be careful with her feelings and approach it all with sensitivity. Oh and it also means you can fuck any of your other co-workers. Sorry…thems the rules.

Yay or Nay: Conway

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This is one of those “I kinda know what you guys are gonna say” situations but fuck it…I like what I like so I’mma keep imposing that on you. After all, you’re here reading this, right?
So, a while back, I wrote about Westside gunn. A rapper from Buffalo who started making a little noise. He talks about guns, violence and drugs and he does it well. He just dropped a very stellar new album the other day called “Flygod” that, if you’re a fan of Roc Marciano and east coast street shit in general, you should check out. It’s only streaming on Spotify at the moment so check it here. I think it’s really good.
Anyway, While Westside Gunn has been bubbling, he’s had his man Conway with him the whole time. While Gunn’s voice is high and energetic, Conway is more laid back but just as aggressive with the lyrics. He’s no new act at all but he’s finally starting to get some shine and I figured I’d throw him out there for you guys and see what your take is. Here are some videos

Like I said, this is definitively some east coast street shit. I know most of you guys require some flowerly language and weirdness to enjoy your rap music but this is the type of shit I grew up on, with a modern twist.
So, what do you think?

Answers for Questions vol. 281

Howdy yall, I’m back from an interesting weekend in Miami. Did a show at a festival and got offered DMT like 5 times. I politely declined cause, well, I’m old and not trying to do DMT anywhere, let alone with a bunch of random 20 year olds at a music festival. But, the thought as appreciated guys! It’s just not my thing.
Anyway, this Answers for Questions. You ask, I answer. I’m always in need of more questions so think of something weird and fire away. Send them to me at or leave them in the comments below. Be creative. We’re 281 volumes deep here. Time to go off the script, if you know what I mean.
Okay, let’s check this weeks batch…

Say you think of all the people you’ve had sex with in your life. If you had never known any of them and had to go by a picture only, which % of them do you think you would swipe-left versus swipe-right? (does this question make sense??)
This is such a good question and one I have thought about a lot since joining tinder last year.
Here’s the thing, the nuances of attraction are often lost on tinder. Some girls will look amazing on there then be mediocre in real life while some look “meh” on there and then you see them in person are are shocked. There’s no telling these days. But, if I’m going off of just pictures of girls I’ve slept with in my entire life…I’d say I woulda swiped about 75% of the girls I’ve actually slept with. Funny thing is, there are a few in that 25% that I’d probably consider the hottest I’ve ever had but they just weren’t that photogenic or their attractiveness didn’t translate as much on film as it does in person. I mean, there are just some people you meet that you’re overwhelmingly attracted to. They don’t even need to be traditionally hot but they have “something”. A twinkle or maybe just pheromones. At the same time, an obviously pretty girl can become unattractive easily just by being lame or shitty. It works both ways.

People probably try to shake your hand or give you a dap at shows. Have you every been in a situation where you had major reservations about any individuals? Maybe you actually see them do something gross with their hands, or you just get a bad feeling about it, like you don’t know where they’ve been?

What do you think about the handshake custom? Is it good, or should we have already evolved to something better?

Nah, I haven’t had that Larry David moment where I see someone pick their nose then extend their hand to me. I will say that, after a show, where many hands have been shaken, I come back to the hotel and wash my hands. When that happens, I’m appalled but the dark shade of water I see being rinsed off onto the sink. People are filthy. I’m glad I’m not one of those purell addicted OCD types but I definitely try and not put my hands near my eyes or mouth until I’ve washed them, if I’ve been shaken random peoples hands.
As for the handshake custom, I think it’s a good greeting. Only thing is , every region has their own version. Out west the do the slap and bump. Out east , we give pounds. Middle america is a total dice roll. I never know what to expect so I’m often just opting for the proper old timey hand shake so there’s no confusion. If I had a dollar for every fist bump I’ve accidentally left hanging , I’d be rich enough to retire. I almost feel bad about it and never do it on purpose but, at the same time, I think the fist bump is corny in general so maybe I do do it on purpose.

What do you think about rappers rapping over vocal tracks on every single song when they play live? How is that acceptable for every song? Probably the worst offenders I have seen are LA The Darkman (he said his laptop was lost on the plane so he had to use a CD), Vince Staples (no excuse), Future (no excuse).

What about rappers lip synching? My friend made me watch a Tech N9ne DVD once, and I swear he was actually lip synching half the time. What’s up with that?

I think it’s pretty fucking lazy. We live in an era where making an instrumental version of your song should be a given. I know that Tyler the creator was the first guy I saw do it but I also think , at that time, he literally didn’t have foresight to think he’d ever perform those songs live so he didn’t make instrumental versions. I’m sure he does now. But dudes like Future? Come on man. You’re the biggest rapper on earth right now, surely someone got the instrumental tracks for you.
I’ve never seen lip syncing rapper before and I’ve heard Tech 9 is actually impressive live so perhaps he was so good , you assumed he was lip syncing? Cause dude is kind of a brilliant technical rapper.

I just remembered something from like 10 years ago. I was at a party and said something in conversation about a David Bowie song which I think is dope. Some other guy there who I wasn’t even talking to started popping off shit about David Bowie’s personal life and told me that I like “faggot music”. It seemed like they wanted to fight me for a minute, then they left the room just to get away from me like I had the flu or something.

When is the last time someone in real life ever sincerely talked shit to you about your taste in music? How can you even react to this?

I talk about my taste in music all the time. Definitely haven’t had someone tell me some shit I like is “faggot music” ever really. That dude seemed a touch, I dunno, misguided?
The only time I talk about music and get backlash in on here and twitter and, even then, I truly don’t take anything people say to me about it. I have a more, confident and snobby “get on my level” take on it. Like “Oh, these dudes are still into boring boom bap revivalist rap? Okay then…”.
But in real life? I don’t find many people talking shit to me about music taste…cause i got good taste! hahaha

If you had to play a song repeatedly for your neighbors to hear over and over and over again, which song would you choose?
I have one neighbor who blasts music all fucking day long. It’s a mix between gay dance music (he’s a gay dancer) and salsa (he’s latino). But it’s relentless and it’s literally never been a song I like ever. There was one point where it got so bad (music blasting from 9 am on a saturday until 2 am that night) where I got fed up and just put on a playlist of old gangsta rap, put my speakers up to his wall , blasted it and left my house. It was on for about 5 hours and when I got back, it was silent. He didn’t play shit the rest of that day. So, i felt a small victory. So, I guess my answer would be “Goin out like A G.O.” by the geto boys cause that’s what I set the playlist off with. That era of rap doesn’t have much low end to rattle the room but it’s got those mid frequencies that will seep through and get truly grating after a while.

Have you ever wiped your ass with your non-dominant hand? If not, are you willing to try? The reason I ask is because my friends have not tried it yet I feel as though it’s an experience. I recommended it to them and they refused. Who is at fault here?
Little know fact: I don’t wipe at all.
Just kidding.
Umm…i have actually done this when I had an injured right hand. Much like jerking off with your non-dominant hand it was a struggle. If truly does feel like someone else is wiping your ass, while your hand feels like it’s wiping a strangers ass. Not the most dope combo of sensations. When I did it, I was very careful and probably less thorough than I normally would be…but it got the job done.
Who’s at fault? No one. Why wipe with your off hand when you have a perfectly functional hand that you can trust? If it’s “for the experience” of it, I suppose but do we really need to experience that? it’s cleaning your asshole. Not exactly something you sit and savor. People climb mountains and go sky diving for the “experience”. Wiping your ass with your off hand isn’t exactly living life to the fullest.

In the last few months I’ve been interested, but mostly concerned with different examples of “Mandela Effects.” Most notably, my reality was kinda fucked when I learned that a personal childhood book series favorite, the BerenstEin Bears is actually spelled “BerenstAin Bears.” I’m kind of leaning towards dimensional timeline shifts and what not. Like it fucks me up some times and I have to get drunk. I peeped out some other examples that resonated with me but I’m mainly trippin on the Bears. I know you’re the level headed type.You familiar with this sort of shit? Do you even give a fuck? Thoughts, theories, fears, remedies?

I am the level headed type so it’s impossible for me to give a shit about any of these things. I’m also someone who’s a lazy speller so hearing the correct spelling for the “Berenstain bears” did nothing for me. I too thought they were a family of jewish bears but, hey, i guess not. My childhood is still intact despite this mild spelling issue. It’s not like we all just found out “Winnie the Pooh” was actually “Winnie the wet dump”. That would be a mind blower.
I’ll be honest, when the who B. Bears thing was unleashed I had no fucking clue what people were talking about it. I read an article and still didn’t get it. Seemed to me that people just kinda clung onto the relevance of the story cause it had to do with their childhood but, in reality, it was a spelling guffaw. Who cares?

This week in ridiculous rap: Cupcakke

Sex raps are not for everyone. They came in many shapes and sizes. From Blowfly to Two live crew to Lil Kim to Necro…the history of sex raps goes back as far as the music itself. It ranges from funny to all out gross and it’s typcially not for most people. Hell, I made a sex rap song with my friends when I was a 17 year old with barely any sexual experience under my belt. It’s just something many rappers do. I’ve always found it to be the great equalizer to the nightmare that is rap love songs. Save that bullshit for R&B guys.
So, Allow me to introduce you to Cupcakke. She’s…well…gross as fuck. And I kinda love it. She’s funny and crass. I’m all about some over the top shit and this falls right into my wheelhouse.
But, yeah, heads up…this is NSFW and don’t play it around your goddamn children.
This first song should be your bedroom anthem…if you’re a total low life. For the record, I support that lifestyle. The fact she says she doesn’t wanna fuck up her nails so she’ll pick up the dick with some chop sticks makes my heart swoon.