Hi there. I’m a man who tweets. It’s sad to admit it but it’s true. Sometimes, 141 characters is enough to get a joke out but not really tell the whole story. in cases like that, I like to use this column as a way to explain myself a little. Expand, if you will. If nothing else, i get a nice rant off and those are always fun, right? Totally.
Ok, here’s what had happened…During the warmer months, there are often these bible thumpers who stand on a corner near my house, desperately trying to covert all sinners who pass them. It’s a futile job as people generally ignore them or openly show disdain towards them. Can’t say I disagree with either of those reactions cause, you know, this is New York. we generally don’t get down like that. Strangers who aggressively ask you things on the street, regardless of their agendas, are the worst and get treated as such.
In this particular case, it was three young asian girls. Late teens , if I had to guess. They were all dorks wearing glasses and dumpy sweaters that had some sort of jesus sales pitch on it. Sufficed to say, they weren’t looking like the type of girls you’re gonna walk up on the street and talk into your bedroom. However, men are relentless. Guys on the streets seemingly ignore all signs that read “Too young!” or “Very Christian!” or “Virgin till marriage!” or “Woman at work!” and go in directly for the kill, despite all of that.
And here’s where it gets interesting…
Cause the two forces are work could not be from more opposite parts of the spectrum. It’s a battle between people so nice it’s kinda sickening and men who take a “let’s throw shit at the wall and see what sticks” approach to meeting women. You hit on enough of them, eventually one will take the bait. These guys are coming at them with the most obviously faux sweet guy charm (Some “Excuse me pretty lady, do you mind if I have a word with you?” ass dudes) while these girls are so innocent and bible-y they’re just happy that someone is finally talking to them. I’m sure they’re thinking “Maybe I can show this guy the light!”. Meanwhile, the guy is trying to get their numbers so he can start sending them a flurry o’ dick pics. Unstoppable object meet unmovable force. Neither side is gonna bend here. It’s not like he’s gonna talk her out of her faith or she’s gonna help him see the sin in his ways.
I really wanted to watch it all unfold but i couldn’t just sit on the sidewalk and wait. So, all i can do is imagine how it ended. Those guys signed up for some christian mailing list. The girls gave them a “number” of some sort. One thing is for certain, after the exchange was over, neither of the parties involved had budged an inch from their deeply engrained morals but they also both didn’t even care. Moments later, god was still #1 in the sky and there was also more pussy to try and corral. The universe was at ease.
I’m not gonna lie. My Tinder usage has slowed down to a slow crawl. As excited about it as I was when i first became single, it just reaches a point where you’re no longer a human being, swiping through faces at breakneck speed. It loses it’s allure. So, I’m somewhat removed from this tweet. When I wrote it, I imagine I was submerged in the Tinder life. Swiping until I ran out of possible matches. You know how that shit go…
But something that always bothered me (and , i’m sure every other dude ever on there…) was when girls would write things on their profile that defeat the purpose of even being on Tinder. I mean “Not here for hook ups” is one thing. I would argue that, if you’re on tinder looking for love, you’re a fucking idiot. There are plenty of real dating sites not based entirely on attraction and mystery. But, hey, people gotta do what they gotta do. Maybe those people don’t have time for Match.com or J-date? Who knows. But, at the very least, they’re looking for something romantic. But the people who are on there “Just to make friends” . WTF are you guys thinking? It’s an app specifically designed for hooking up with people. “hooking up” could mean fucking in a bathroom stall at a rodeo or it could mean marriage but , either way, it’s about dating on some level. Making friends? Who are you? Barney? And how does one who is “looking for friends” even swipe on tinder? “Oh, he looks friendly!” Or “I bet he’s a good listener!”. What kind of person wants to make friends based on 5 pictures and maybe a dumb caption with some random facts about that person? “Oh, he likes standing in front of Lighthouses? I like standing in front of lighthouses! We will be such good chums!”
It’s just such a dumb concept to me. I realize we live in a world where human interaction is 85% done online. So, it makes sense people would look to that for all things but still…on tinder? Surely there are other places to go online to make friends. Back in my day, we did this thing where we went out and spoke to people and , over time, if the connection way there, one might form a bond with another person. It’s crazy, I know.
all this makes me feel like someone should make an app for friend making. I’m sure one exists but, whatever, I haven’t seen it. Feel free to “actually…” me in the comment section and leave a link to said app, you smug pricks.
And, trust me, “Adult friend finder” doesn’t count.
Hip hop has changed a lot since the golden era. While some people will argue this has resulted in the music becoming watered down, those people are also terrified of change and probably wish they still had beepers.
A week or two ago, I did a post where I put up a bunch of different genres of rap and asked you guys to vote for the song you liked the most. I purposely sought out a song that I knew would win, even though it was totally boring. The idea was find a new boom bap song with a decent boom bap beat and some boring ass rappers rapping about rap over it. Basically, a song that was made currently that was trying to sound like some 90’s shit. Well, my plan went off without a hitch and that song won by a decent amount. The song was a non-factor on all accounts. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t good. It just was. But what i was attempting to do was get a temperature of the climate amongst readers of this blog.
Then, the next week, i was touring in europe. For many europeans, true school hip hop is everything. They abide closely by the “real hip hop!” ideals that, honestly, most americans stopped caring about years ago. But they are fierce about their hip hop out there. If it doesn’t sound like Primo or Dilla made the beat? It’s trash. If the rapper is talking about money, cars or guns? It’s trash. The whole thing was a reminder to me of how I used to think…in 1996.
I expect people to want to cling to the golden era of hip hop. I’m from it. I love it. I grew up on it. It’s what formed my music and opinions. But the mind set people have to avoid change within a genre as limited as hip hop is sad to me. I get you don’t like Future. i don’t give a fuck about him either. I get you think Drake is the anti christ. But to shut yourself off the second you hear a triplet hi hat is so fucking limiting. To, instead, choose to listen to some guy rap boringly about hip hop over a variation of a track you’ve heard a million times is to be walking in place. Over the years there have been groups ,who specialize in paying homage to the golden era, that came out and had some moderate success that have baffled me. Not cause they’re terrible but cause they’re so painfully average. I just don’t understand who would hear them and be like “that! i wanna spend my time listening to that, despite all the other music that exists in the world”. If you wanna hear golden age rap how bout you just listen to the stuff made during that era, instead of a rehashed version of it? Middle of the road shit. But, then again, we’re a middle of the road kind of society so I guess it makes sense. But i contend that being boring and uninventive is worse than being out the box and shitty. At least then you’re taking risks. People might be reading this and thinking “Whatever blockhead, you were involved with nerd rap!” and they’re not wrong. But that music was never made to be stagnant. Regardless of your feelings towards it, people have a reaction to it cause it’s not the same old shit. For better or for worse. But rapping about rap over a loop, some second rate primo drums? You might as well be screaming into a vacuum.