Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 53


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I’m not a doctor, but I play one on the internet.
Listen, we all got problems and I don’t know you BUT I’m a level headed guy with some decent life experience. So, instead of consoling in your biased friends who don’t really care about your problems in the first place, why not run it by me? I’m impartial and have nothing to lose or gain by throwing my two cents at you.
If you have any life problems (love and beyond) I’d like to hear them and see if I can give you a new perspective. I’m not here to blow smoke up your ass. I don’t know you, dude. I have no reason to not be totally honest. So, if you have any questions of this sort that you want help with, fire away! Send them to my email phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section. It’s always anonymous and I’m never full of shit. Go for it. I’m here to help.

I’ve been with my GF for about 2.5 years. She’s madly in love with me, and indulges (or at least tries to indulge) my every whim. That being said, I’ve grown tremendously bored of this relationship. Here’s the 3 primary issues we’re having

Sex Appeal – Holy shit, I never realized how crucial charisma and self confidence are in regards to a woman’s sexuality. My girlfriend has SERIOUS insecurity/body image issues and they’re undoubtedly the reason she’s so damn boring in bed. It’s holding her back. We’ve experimented but it’s always at my insistence, and no matter how many times I spell out that x, y, and z turn me on, she fails to fully actively and consistently satisfy those needs. I’m attracted to her, she’s beautiful…but her sex game is just wack, man. The head is good and so is her love box, but she just can’t be “hot” or “sexy” for me. I’ve been trying to help her develop her sexuality for over a year now and I’m starting to feel like my efforts have been in vain.

Intelligence – How I can phrase this so as to not seem like a dick? My girl isn’t stupid, but I’m definitely a lot smarter than her. I’m no Einstein, but I’m fairly sharp and I hold intellect in high regard. I look at a mentally stimulating conversation like ping pong, back and forth with quips of wit and humor or thought provoking insight. With my girlfriend, it’s sort of like as soon as I serve the ball it bounces off her side of the table and into oblivion. She just can’t hang. Whether I’m discussing the ethics of water fluoridation or the war on drugs she’s almost like a parrot, regurgitating the same 2-3 word responses and being a passive participant in the conversation. She has so little to contribute and it really sucks. Ultimately, it’s because she doesn’t or didn’t think about that shit before I brought it up with her. To sum this up, the mental stimulation just isn’t there and I’m not sure if there’s any way to rectify that.

Clingy – We’ve lived together for the past 1.5 years or so and boy do I hate it. I hardly do anything without her – she feels offended if I don’t invite her to my gigs and nearly always tries to lay a guilt trip on me. I’ve expressed to her that we need space and that it’ll strengthen our relationship if we don’t engage in every activity together. Still, we end up being together the majority of most days and I feel suffocated. Honestly, I can’t go to the store without her wanting to tag along. Fuck is the point of that? She won’t even purchase anything half of the time. About 6 months into the relationship she snooped through my phone and found nothing. I found that out last year. She claims that she was even crazier and more insecure back then but I’m of the school of thought that behavior like that is deeply rooted.

Taking the aforementioned issues into consideration, my girlfriend is super nice to me and accomadates my idiosyncrasies quite well…I have god awful anxiety/OCD. Also, she pays the entire rent for our 2 bedroom apartment. This is admittedly part of the reason we haven’t broken up yet. Am I dick for that? I just can’t afford to live on my own and my options are limited at the moment, but I feel like if we didn’t live together this could possibly work. Living with her is so much more of a compromise than being intimate with her whilst still having my own personal space.

There’s much more but I’ll cut this short. Is there any hope this 2.5 year affair could be salvaged? Should I just suck it up and move out? Should I keep working with her so we could eventually reenact that “Yeezy Taught Me” skit?

I care about her alot but at times I feel like maybe I’m just using her and convincing myself otherwise.

Dude…Come on…
This relationship is a nightmare and you and I both know the only reason you’re still with her is cause you need a place to stay. You need to end it for the sake of you both. What you basically described is two people who connect on no level outside of “she takes care of me”. She’s more like a nanny that you fuck (that you don’t even like fucking). It’s selfish of you to even indulge this shit.
There’s nothing to salvage. You don’t respect her, you’re not turned on by her and I’m fairly certain you actually actively dislike her. Like, i bet, when she walks in the room, you literally groan internally and wish she would leave immediately. These things don’t improve with time and moving in with someone only speed the process.
The irony is that part of her clinginess might have to do with her sensing you being removed and your growing disinterest. You say she’s insecure well, know what makes a girl even more insecure? When she thinks her boyfriend doesn’t like her…and she’s right. So, yeah man, do both of you guys a favor and cut it off. i realize that , logistically it’s a nightmare cause you live together and you’re broke but this your life. This is her life. You both can move on from this the sooner you dead it.

I have a question (maybe it’s for dr. Tony, you decide) for you. It’s like this, I have a girlfriend for quite some time now (around 8 years) and we are both in our very late twenties (i know, started too early, shit happens). She is a very nice person (to a fault actually, sometimes it gets on my nerves, but I can’t really say that being nice is a bad thing so, fuck me), we get along well most of the time and she is a good person to be around in general, which is underrated when it comes to girlfriends.
But there is one thing about her that I really don’t like and it’s her birthday. When I have my birthday it’s a pretty usual day, my mother calls, my grandparents call me, a couple of friends wish me a happy BD and that’s it. Maybe I go out and get drunk with friends if I feel like it, but that’s it and I feel like this is how adults should “celebrate” bullshit like this. I was born on this day, who gives a shit? It comes around every year, you should get tired of it by the time you are 25 or sooner. But not her.
Her mother makes her a cake and then we have to go to her parents place, we sing her happy birthday, she blows the fucking candles like a fucking 8 year old, her mother takes pictures (which are always the same, us sitting behind a table with a cake), sometimes even her stupid girl-friend or two come by. I mean, please, is this normal? Does she desperately want children of her own? Are her parents retarded for doing this (they are soooo overprotective, they still treat her like a child and tell her not to go out when it’s dark and shit like that, and she is soon to be 30)? I mean, am I weird? Do many people do stuff like this this late in their lives? I get it later when you are like 87 and every BD is like a blessing and you don’t know how long you are going to last and I understand celebrating your 30, 40, 50 etc…like some milestones, but having your 28 with a cake at your parents house the same as if you are 8? How do I tell her it is not really a normal thing to do? Actually skip this, I have already told her it is childish and weird but she doesn’t get it. How do I get her to get it? My theory is that she really wants a baby (she has mentioned it a couple of times lately) and that might switch her attention to the little one, but it might have the opposite effect and she becomes more childish? And she is not a spoiled barbie girl in everyday life, she is a normal person with a job and a life who is fun to hang out with. Please don’t tell me to get over it and that I only have to deal with it one day every year. It’s the principle, the whole thing is so fucking retarded to me that I can’t handle it anymore. Please help, lol.

Listen, on one hand, i agree with you that birthdays are stupid past a certain age. If anything, they’re an excuse to gather some friends and give you all an excuse to get drunk. That said, your issue with your girl is pretty fucking petty. So she likes to go see her family and have cake? Maybe she loves her family and tradition in general. Do you know how lucky you have it. When I started reading your question I was expecting it to go a totally different way. I thought you were gonna speak about people who treat their birthday like a week long event that everyone is supposed to cater to. On some “Well, wednesday is my birthday but tuesday we’re getting together for drinks, wednesday we have a small dinner party with close friends, then friday we’re all gonna go to great adventure leading into the big party on saturday!”
You know that’s a real thing people (girls) do, right? So, compare that to the simple shit your girl is into. You should feel blessed it’s that simple. I get going to spend the day with the in laws can be annoying but, hey, it’s what she wan’t to do for her birthday and she’s not asking much of you by doing so.
Your theories on why she does this are pointless. She does it cause she likes it. It’s comfortable. The reality is, YOU don’t like doing it so you gotta try and find a reason to shit on it. I’m sure it’s boring, lame and all that stuff but guess what? It’s called boyfriend duties. You gotta do it with a smile. It’s part of the deal.


Okay, so I’m a bit of a rookie when it comes to the dating game as I was in a nine-year relationship and have been bumbling around on the dating scene for around two years. Met a new girl and did all the things, with the relationship ending reasonably after six months.

Being green to the whole scene, we kept sleeping with each other which I obviously enjoyed but it made things difficult when she ghosted from that and blocked me on every format. Anyway, we have a horde of mutual friends and a birthday is coming up, where she will be there.

I’ve only seen her once and it was an otherworldly awkward encounter and spoke to her before that telling her that I missed her, with her basically telling me that I was acting like a child.

How the fuck have you survived these encounters? Advice will be good as I feel like I’m either going to neck an entire bottle of Jager to survive or wear a wig and play it off like I’m a German tourist who mangles the English language.

You just gotta go into these kinda situations prepared for an awkward moment. There will be one. It’s gonna suck, but then it will be over and you can carry on with your night. What you DON’T wanna do is sit there looking wantonly over your shoulder all fucking night and checking on what she’s doing. That’s not the move. You also don’t want to get too drunk and embarrass yourself. From the sound of it, she’s over you. There’s not point trying to push your way back in. Simply go to the party, act like she’s not there. When you see her, keep it civil and brief and move on. I’m assuming you will know other people there so don’t get hung up on her. It’s a party. Mingle. Perhaps look for a new girl to have a 6 month fling with. They’re out there, bro.

About a 3 months ago I started fooling around with this girl from work(we work in a cell phine store) Started out as just texting everyday shooting the shit and joking around. One night a bunch of us coworkers got drunk and she started making out with me. I guess all the signs that she wanted to fuck me flew over my head. She tells me that she only wants a physical thing and I agree to it. Anyways, as the time goes on we grow a little closer. Going out, talking and texting all day and stuff, far beyond what we intended.
At this point she’s told me a few times how special I am to her and how much she really likes me and how I’m so respectful and cool and and I’ve reciprocated the feelings. But there’s been more that a few times where she gets mad at me for either some really trivial things or for absolutely nothing at all. She’ll start saying how she’s never gonna talk to me again and all this stuff. Usually by the next day she’s fine and all goes back to relative normalness. Or she’ll just say that we shouldn’t see each other anymore and then after I try to probe more, she’ll drop to he subject and move one. This happens about once every 2 weeks. What the fuxk do you make of this? And how can I try to handle this. I know this shits gonna fall theough at some point but I’m just kinda living in the now. When this shit inevitably hits the fan, how do I handle the fallout in to the most civil way possible due to us working together in a close environment like a cellphone store.
That’s pretty much the jist of it. If you have any questions or anything I should elaborate on let me know.

Oh, good old “shitting where you eat”. It makes so much sense but it’s such a danger zone.
I’m only going off what you wrote so my assumptions could be wrong. For all I know, you’re mad annoying or distant and that’s why she freaks out every 2 weeks but, if what you say is true it could be for many reasons. One could be that she wants a committed relationship and feels weird bringing that to your attention so she lashes out when her emotions get the best of her. I’ve definitely dealt with that many times and all you can do is weather the storm or bow out. In your case, it’s tricky cause you are co-workers.

It seems to me that you have already decided that this relationship has an expiration date. So, if making her your GF is off the table, i’d say it’s best to back out now. I’ve always been of the school that you can ride the wave of a relationship gray area (Not just fuck buddies but not a couple) until it becomes a point of contention. Then you gotta make a decision. Once the “So, what ARE we?” pandoras box is opened, there is no turning back. If I had to guess, I know which way you’re leaning so , due to the delicate working together angle, i think you gotta find away to break it off as amicably as possible. Living in the now is cool but you guys work together. You keep on this path and it will eventually blow up in your face. I would say, the next time she gets on one of her “we should not see each other anymore” kicks, go with it. Agree with it and be as kind and understanding as you can. When that happens, we are faced with a fork in the road and too often, against our own wants and sanity, we choose the easy path cause it’s less hassle. You gotta take a deep breath and say “You know, you’re right…” then gently put this thing to bed. It sucks. It always does but there’s no reason to keep a dead end relationship going, especially if it’s full of drama. Things will be awkward at work for a little but I’m sure it will simmer down eventually. just be careful with her feelings and approach it all with sensitivity. Oh and it also means you can fuck any of your other co-workers. Sorry…thems the rules.

4 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 53

  1. Was wondering where the first one was going til “Also, she pays the entire rent for our 2 bedroom apartment.” Hahahahahahahahaha that is awesome, shit had me dyin son forreal fa real

    • Co-signed 100%. Those first two made me mad!

      First guy sounds like a garbage fire, and is probably not half as smart as his girlfriend. Doesn’t pay rent? Doesn’t invite his girlfriend to his “gigs”? Is he just some broke-ass musician that sits around the apartment all day talking government conspiracies? Maybe his girlfriend doesn’t give a fuck what he thinks about those big complicated issues, since he can’t even handle his own everyday shit? Dude needs to get the fuck out of that poor woman’s life.

      And second guy… You got to be kidding me with that shit. So she likes to go have a birthday cake with her family once a year? Maybe her family likes to have an excuse just to see each other and do something for her that doesn’t involve drinking? It’s probably something that she does for her parents as much as they do it for her at this point. I get that it could be uncomfortable to be around in-laws, and hardly anyone likes to sing happy birthday, but that shit is weak. Do it once a year or get the fuck out. If that is dude’s only problem, he is just looking for things to be a bitch about. And he somehow drew that abstract connection about her wanting kids. Dude is clearly trying to sabotage the whole relationship on some petty Seinfeld shit, since he is afraid of commitment.

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