Weed outrage FTW!

I do a column sometimes called “Defending my tweets”, where I post something I tweeted and basically explain myself a little deeper than 140 characters ever could do. I recently tweeted something that probably got the most blow back ever (which is saying a lot). Interestingly enough, the fury didn’t come on twitter. It came from the good people over on facebook. This isn’t shocking cause Facebook is the second only to Youtube comments in bringing out the worst in people. This focal point of all this rage? Rape? nope. Racism? Nope. Politics? nope.
It was weed. specifically, the celebration of 420. A holiday that somehow exists cause who gives a fuck?

420 was last week and as people tend to do on social media , they chose a path. The choices go: Celebrate it, make a joke about it, or ignore. Being the guy I am, I took the middle option.
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Now, I took this option for a few reasons.
1)IT’S A JOKE. A timely joke. It was 420. That was in the air so, you know, seemed like a good time for it.

2)I KNEW it would enrage some people and that’s exactly why I did it. For all the ideas of weed being a drug that mellows you out, for some reason, weed people are some of the most sensitive and thin skinned people on the planet. I mean, how many times have I met some hippie with rage issues? Too many times. It’s fascinating cause, you know, maybe they need to puff some weed to chill out but when you make a joke about weed they lose all chill. Vicious cycle, i suppose. But, full disclosure, this tweet was 100% baiting people and it worked like a charm.

3)I think people who get obsessed over 420 are kinda ridiculous. I mean, I get the excitement for celebrating something you love but, hey, chances are, if you are the type to celebrate 420, you smoke every day anyway. So, basically, you celebrate every day. It’s kinda like if a teenager boy were to celebrate “national masturbation day” by jerking off 7 times instead of 4 times. Hey man! it’s a real holiday!
In general, the whole “weed culture” movement is just kinda corny to me. Right now, if you are the reactionary weed smoking type, things are popping in your head (the medical advantages, the fight for it to be legal, “If they celebrated a “Vodka day” I bet you wouldn’t make fun of that!”, etc…) . I will get to these points but, off the bat know, when i say “weed culture” I’m not talking about people’s right to smoke it or the good it does. I’m all for legalizing weed. Not because I think of the greater good it could do but cause I don’t give a fuck. It’s not that big an issue to me. By all means, make it legal everywhere. But, when i talk about “weed culture” and the people who obsess over it, I’m talking about people who sit around with high times magazines, looking at pictures of furry nugz, talking about weed all day and who’s life is basically revolves around weed and weed based subjects. I don’t think it’s wrong or bad…i simply think it’s corny. Big difference. I feel the same way about people who are obsessed with wine or cigars or porn or even food. These are , in most cases, perfectly fun and enjoyable recreational things that I fully get the appeal of. But to live your life obsessing over them? Do you…but , personally, it’s silly to me. But, Who am i to say what is silly to another person? I’m no one. I’m not here to tell anyone what they should or should not do…but, guess what? i can make a joke about it and you’re just gonna have to deal with it. Why? CAUSE IT’S NEVER THAT SERIOUS.

For many of you that didn’t read that tweet or see the comment section, lemme break down what happened.
For the most part, people seemed to enjoy it. It got tons or shares, retweets and likes. Meaning, people got it. It’s a simple premise: 420 is dumb. That’s it. It’s not deep. it’s not even a good joke. Still, People are capable of getting the joke. Many of these people, I assume, smoke weed on the regular. Meaning not all people who smoke weed are fucking idiots. In fact, i can say with great certainty, that most people who smoke weed are cool and awesome people. But, this is the internet…where cool and awesome is drowned out by a handful of humorless dipshits with a desire to be outraged. So, what did these people have to say?
Well, first and foremost we had the people who were so enraged by my tweet (read it again and imagine actually getting mad at that) that they felt the need to inform me that they would be unfollowing me on social media. Yup. This is great on a few levels. For one, if a person is such a loser that they see a joke about 420 and feel like they need to unfollow me…it’s sorta like a self cleaning oven. I don’t need that person up in my world. Fan or not. That person sucks. Also, to announce to an artist on facebook “I’m unfollowing you!” is one of the lamest “look at me!” things you can do. It’s like getting in a huff at a party then yelling “I’m outta here!” to a bunch of people who didn’t know who you were in the first place. Real g’z move in silence. So, shout out to all the people who read my 420 tweet, said nothing to me and unfollowed me. You did it the right way. Granted, they’re probably not seeing this post but still, kudos to you for, while still being thin skinned and ridiculous, having the self respect to not feel the need to tell me. As if i’m gonna be like “Nooooooo!!!! come back! please! i promise! No more weed jokes!”.
Secondly, the rage. The rage of weed people. They take their weed very seriously. It’s the same as nerd rage or music purist rage. It’s the result of someone being so wrapped up in something they can’t see outside of it. With no perspective , people can gt easily lost in their obsessions. Like how can you love anything THAT much? It’s not your mom. It’s not your best friend. It’s a plant you smoke that gets you high. I had some responses that were simply “FUCK YOU!!”. While other went into more detailed reasonings of why I’m an asshole for writing that. Some of these reasons included:

1)Medical weed and the good it does.

Yes. Medicinal Marijuana is a great thing. A few people mentioned how it helped them get through their cancer treatment. In no way was I shitting on the medical benefits of pot. I’ve seen it work up close. At stated earlier, it was a joke…a short joke…about 420. To read that an extract “He’s belittling the benefits of medical marijuana!”, well, it’s reaching to say the least.
The funniest part of this one was that people tried to bring it back to 420 as if the majority of people celebrating 420 are doing it in the name of science. I’m sure a small handful of people do but..not you, dude. Not the guy sitting on his couch, ripping bong hits, perfectly healthy, arguing about weed on the internet. Nope, you smoke weed cause it gets you high and that feels good. Nothing wrong with that…but don’t try and sell me some deeper meaning that isn’t there.
But if you are one of those people who somehow think getting high at 4:20 every day is a political statement or you’re tipping your hat towards the medicinal wonders of pot, I’ll let you know when penicillin day is so we can throw a big old party together!

2)Legalizing weed.
Somehow me making fun of people who celebrate 420 made people assume I’m not some anti weed crusader. Even though, in my very tweet, I called it “just a plant”. Now, if I think it’s “just a plant” , do you think that means I want it to be illegal? Have you heard my “anti-fern” rant before? Perhaps, my point is WHO GIVES THIS MUCH OF A FUCK ABOUT A PLANT. Of course it should be legal. Why the fuck not? Booze is far more harmful and it’s been legal since forever. Not only that, the money this country could make off legal weed could fix a lot of problems as well.
So, yeah…if that was your angle of rage…you were off as a motherfucker. I don’t care what you do. Smoke weed. Snort coke. Shoot heroin. Inject cat piss into your eyeballs , for all i care. It’s your body. I’m in no place of power to regulate anything or anyone but myself.

3)”I bet if there was a “national booze day” you wouldn’t say anything!”
umm…yeah i would. I make fun of all things. Especially holidays and things that go with them.. This includes Christmas, St Patricks day, your birthday, my birthday, Santa-con (which is the closest thing to 420 I can imagine and THINK ABOUT HOW LAME THAT IS). I understand the nature of making fun of things is judgmental. But, you know what? We’re all judgmental. It’s our nature. And taking the piss out of something as pointless as 420 shouldn’t hurt your feelings. You’re an adult. You should have bigger fish to fry. It’s not like I made a “national breast cancer awareness” joke or shit on the civil rights movement. This is about weed culture. 100%. But you know what? Even if i did make jokes about anything…the fact remains…It’s a joke. Sure, there is some truth in jokes but the bottom line is they’re never that serious. Intention is everything.

So, yeah…Grow up. quit taking everything so seriously. Especially if that “everything” is your enjoyment of smoking weed. Learn that just cause you love something doesn’t mean another person can’t poke fun at it. Also learn that just cause someone pokes fun at something, it doesn’t mean they’re against it. Smoke your weed. Love your weed. I hope it makes your life infinitely better. I truly do. But, the next time you’re on facebook and feel the need to get angered over a joke, perhaps, sit back…light up a joint. Smoke that joint. Relax. And if you still feel some sorta way about it, let it rip. But don’t forget that you’re the guy/girl who flipped out over a weed joke on a niche music artists facebook page. congratulations on being “That guy”! Feels, good man!

I made a Remix of “Panda” cause why not?


So, apparently, Desiigners song “Panda” has over taken Rihanna’s “Work” as the #1 song in america. This is just a coincidence cause I’ve been tinkering with a remix idea of this song for a while. Now, half of you will see I remixed this and come at me like “but whyyyyy?!?!?!?”. The other half will be like “Oh cool…”
For the first group of people, lemme explain.
I’m not here to make excuses. Fuck that. I’mma be straight up and say I like “Panda”. I would never remix a song I actively dislike. Not only that but I think Desiigner raps his ass off. Sure, it’s one short verse , sandwiched between two choruses that are about as long as said verse. I hear a lot of people complaining about how he sounds like Future. Well, I’m sure he does. i don’t really check for Future. The stuff i have heard didn’t move me and I can honestly say, at no point, have I heard Future rap like Desiigner does during his one verse in the middle of this song. Keep in mind, I’m not too schooled on Future so it’s possible it exists. I simply haven’t heard it. I see the similarities in aesthetic but that’s about it. But, back to Desiigner…to all you people rolling their eyes at the idea of even listening to this kinda thing, yet you claim to be into some weirdo rap…His verse on this song is some straight out of project blowed abstract rap flow kinda shit. Sure, I can’t make out most of the words and , topically, i doubt it’s anything special but my point is…the dude can flow. At the very least, you gotta give him that. That’s what popped out to me when I finally gave this song a chance. That and the hook is catchy. Sorry…it is. I hate that I have to even write this kinda shit but I feel like I know my readership well enough to know how closed off some of you are from even allowing yourself to like some shit like this.
So, yeah…Here’s my remix. It’s an old beat i was sitting on for a while that never found a home. A little latin flavor…kinda.
Enjoy…and the download link is below the soundcloud


Answers for Questions vol. 287

G’day mates! Welcome to another edition of “answers for questions”. You ask stuff and I do my best to give you answers. I’m always in need of new questions so don’t be shy and fire away. You can either email me questions at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave then in the comment section below. All i ask is be creative…and weird. It makes it more enjoyable to read and write.
This weeks batch is…educational? kinda sorta.

What do you think of the much-discussed gender binary? Do you believe in masculine and feminine principles, and that rebelling against them is subversive, or attractive?

You must think I’m much smarter than I am or that I read books or something cause I’m not aware of the “much discussed gender binary”…but lemme google that right now…hold please.
Okay…I’m back. Ah…that’s more simple than I expected. I see the word “binary” next to gender and expect to have to figure out equations on dicks and vaginas.
I think it’s become a whole lot of grey area. Just listening to high school kids talk, hearing a 15 year old boy say he’s gender fluid is something that would never have even been thought of 15 years ago. I feel like I’ve discussed this here before but it’s almost as if to simply be a boring straight person is looked upon as lame. Which is obviously a huge shift from how things used to be. I partially don’t believe most of these people are even that “fluid”. Like, the majority of them will date and marry people from the opposite sex and outside of an experimental experience here and there, they’re straight. It’s good that the world is finally caring less about such things cause being persecuted or judged based on who you fuck is ridiculous (assuming both parties are willing and adults) but it’s also in our nature to front. That said, teenagers are gonna do what they do and who’s dumber than they are? No one.
As for the whole idea masculine and feminine principals, that’s changing too. It’s as if both sexes are taking notes from each other with hopes of maybe meeting in the middle. That said, i do think certain things are engrained in our DNA. Men and women are undeniably different. To pretend that isn’t the case is short sighted and not really healthy for opening a healthy dialogue. We, in general, feel and act differently. There’s nothing wrong with that though. One isn’t better or worse than the other. At the same time, it’s not like one day, a new generation of men are going to wake up and just all of a sudden be driven by emotions and deep feeling and women are gonna wake up driven by simplicity and logic. I’m not saying any of those characteristics are specific to either sex but, in general, it seems to be thats the way things lean.
i honestly don’t even know if I answered you question but it seems more like something someone should write a thesis on than I can wrap up in two paragraphs.

how important was “The Music Scene” animated video to your success at the time it came out? I understand it aired on adultswim for a while. Did you have any input on what the animation depicted? It’s a really brilliant video and it’s always the first thing I show anyone who doesn’t recognize your music; the pairing of a dope song with super interesting visuals is something to behold.

I would say that video revived my career. Not like I was floundering and gonna quit before it came out but it reinvigorated interest in what I was doing. Prior to that I was “The guy who made the beat for “daylight” by Aesop” or “The guy who made insomniac olympics”. Both those things were good to have under my belt but they also were from years earlier. When “The music scene” video came out, people freaked out over it. Rightfully so…it’s an insane video. But it also got people looking into my other work and , around that same time, i started booking more tours. All of a sudden, I had new fans (younger fans too) and I would close my set with “The Music Scene”, where as it was always “insomniac olympics” before that. So, yeah…it was a huge deal for me and to this day it resonates. I have someone mention that video to me at every show I do. It’s become a starter point for people to find out about my music.
As for input on the video itself, I had nothing to do with anything. That was all the artist. Which is fine with me. He did a great job and my two cents wouldn’t have helped him at all.

do you watch any cartoons or animated films you’d recommend? I feel like you would have good taste in adult cartoons. Maybe its just a weird assumption.
ehhhhh…I watch some things here and there but I’m not really a guy who seeks it out. Like, outside of South park, there’s no animated show I watch with regularity. I check on Adult Swim stuff sometimes but even that is rare. I’m skeptical of cartoons for some reason and , generally, have to be won over for me to get into them. Even when they’re good (bob’s burgers, archer) I don’t find myself compelled to watch them. Dunno why.

With NYC’s massive gentrification, are there neighborhoods in any of the boroughs that you would not go to because of imminent danger/crime/etc?
Sure. I would avoid going to brownsville or east New york in BK. I wouldn’t go to multiple parts of the Bronx. I’m sure queens got some areas I’d avoid. That said, I’m an adult and that kind of shit doesn’t scare me like it did when I was a teenager. I’ve walked through and hung out in many fucked up hoods in my life…in and outside of NYC. I still felt safer in most of those places than i do when I’m in the woods in the middle of nowhere.
Thing is, there would never be a reason for me to go to any of those places in the first place. Honestly, that’s something that hasn’t changed with all the gentrification. The shitty hoods have always been shitty but they’ve also been removed in the sense that no outsiders really ever need to be in them. The dangerous areas that I went to when I was younger were fringe places. They were the places in the midst of being gentrified. Like , when i was a teenager, the lower east side was fucked up. But I still went there cause there was a reason to go (buy weed, bars, shows). So , that in itself shows the hood was changing. It was dangerous but not so much that I’d be scared to go there.
I wouldn’t have set foot in bed-stuy, BK ten years ago but I recorded my last album there. It’s all about having a reason to be somewhere.

I always love the feeling of nostalgia from listening music that I enjoyed in the past, but I’m curious to know if an artist could get the same feeling from there own music. Are there any of your past projects that envoke a sense of nostalgia when you listen to them? That is of course if you even listen to any of your own music in the first place.

I’m so sick of my own old music it’s not even funny. I pretty much never listen to any of it. I listen to the new shit I’m working on as a means to figure out what I’m gonna do with it but the old stuff? Not often. Every now and then I’ll have a moment where I check out some song I made 10 years ago just out of curiosity. Sometimes it makes me roll my eyes, other times I listen and think “man, how did I do that?”.
One thing that I definitely do is focus on the more obscure songs. Like if I never hear anything from “Music by cavelight” again, I’d be thrilled. But I’ll dig into weird album cuts off “Downtown science” or “Uncle Tony’s coloring book” just to remind myself of where my head was at musically at that point.
But, in general, nope. I don’t go back to my old work. I’d rather move forward than bask in the old shit.

When you drink, do you fill your cheeks and swallow several times, take big gulps, or small sips with small swallows?
It depends what I’m drinking. If it’s water, I take big gulps. If it’s carbonated I will sometimes fill my cheeks. If it’s got booze in it, I take smaller sips. You could say I’m a versatile drinker.

Just curious how the song “Cook It Up” came about, with you and Jer singing. It’s really good!

Oh man…that song. Well, when Aesop was making “Bazooka tooth” I believe “Party Fun action Committee” was already out…or had just dropped. We sang a lot on that and I think Aesop wanted some weird singing on his album. Thing is, neither jer nor I are serious singers. We’re passably okay at best. I forgot about this until recently but Aesop unearthed some demos from that era and played me a song I sang a hook on that I have no recollection of ever even recording. Sufficed to say, it was awful and thank god it never made his album.
Anyway, “Cook it up” seemed like the perfect place for our vocals cause the song was kinda tongue in cheek and I made the beat. During that time, the Neptunes were singing on everything so my performance was clearly an homage to that whole style of falsetto. I think Aesop wrote the lyrics. I may have helped with a word or two but I don’t really recall. But, yeah, we recorded it and that was that. It helped launch my singing career for sure. You might know me by my stage name “Bruno Mars”.

Notes From the Road: March/April 2016

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I used to write these more frequently. Probably cause , when I’d tour I’m be surprised by something or weird things would happen on occasion. Well, that hasn’t been the case the last few times i’ve hit the road. The Song remains the same. Airports are still airports. The lifestyle of “drive/fly, hotel, soundcheck, eat, wait, play show, back to the hotel, sleep, repeat” is pretty much the gold standard for my touring life. It’s not glamorous. It’s lazy and , somehow, exhausting. I’m not complaining, of course. It’s always fun performing for fans, meeting the people from all over who have been effected by your music. That’s the good part. It’s certainly better than having a real job. I think , all I’m saying is, my lack of “notes from the road” write ups has more to do with the monotony of the lifestyle. It doesn’t help that I barely drink when I tour and I don’t party at all cause sleep is so much more crucial. All that said, I was reflecting on a recent tour I was on with Eliot Lipp (We’re hitting the west coast for 4 dates in early may , btw. Check http://blockheadmusic.com/ for more info) and a few interesting stories…And they both take place in the south. My apologies if anyone involved in these stories read this and feel slighted but, you know what? You’re were fucked up and out of line so perhaps you earned this one. No names were spoken…cause i don’t know your name. So, hey, it’s all good.

The first story takes place in Lexington, Kentucky.
I had never played there before. It was a tuesday night so , in all honesty, expectations were low. Not cause of lexington but cause of the day of the week. Well, around 9 pm, I pop out to man the Merch booth (I work my own merch cause it’s more fun than sitting alone backstage and, also, it helps sell stuff better). Sitting there, watching the early crowd I notice that this crowd is unusually drunk. It’s 9pm…on a tuesday , yet, it feels like mardi gras in this bitch. I have casual chats with a few people. The typical “Hey, man, you know where the coat check is?” interaction comes cause people don’t know what I look like and need to check their coats. But, I’m also chatting with fans, taking pics, signing stuff. Business as usual. Eliot Lipp goes on and he’s doing his thing. during the middle of his set, an older women walks up to the merch table. She’s probably in her early 50’s. Not your typical Blockhead/eliot Lipp fan. Within moments , i can see she is very drunk. Wasted. All kinda of fucked up. She’s also got a somewhat unhappy look on her face. “I need your help!” huh? She proceeds to tell me about her son. He’s 17 or 18. He’s a budding musician who plays many instruments and lives in her basement. “I want you to talk to my son!” So many questions are racing though my mind. WHo? Why? Where? When?
Before I can ask one, she swivels her head towards the stage, points at Eliot and says “He can do this!”. She pauses…” I mean…I know he can do that!!!”
So I ask “Well, is he here?”
“Noooooo! He’s at home but I need you to talk to him!”
“He needs someone to tell him how to do this! He’s so talented but he needs guidance!”
Bear in mind, this is all said in the form of screams and in a the form of an argument. She seemed livid by the whole interaction. I calmly replied “Well…here’s the thing…if he’s not here, I can’t talk to him”
“No, give me your number and you will call him!”
“I’m not doing that…besides…I’m not one to teach anyone anything. What kinda music does he even make?”
“He makes shit like Sparklehorse but I want him to do this kinda music (pointing at Eliot once again)”
I had no idea who Sparklehorse was but, later when I looked it up it became clear that this woman just losing her mind in thinking , even though her son does one thing, he should focus elsewhere. She kept coming after me about “helping” him, Like i’m some sort or successful record label A&R man and all I could tell her was “Hey, you just gotta support what he does. Keep having his back…but a talk with me? That’s not gonna help anything…” this conversation kept devolving until she was pretty much ice grilling me from across the merch table. Furious. She slammed her fists down on the table and walked away as if I told her we didn’t accept food stamps. As she walked away, I just sat there, somewhat befuddled by what had gone on. Did i really just get yelled at by a mom at my own show? Like…it didn’t even make sense. Her rage, the fact her son makes an entirely different genre of music and plays instruments and she was talking to me like I was fucking Quincy Jones with the key to the secrets of success. Had she forgotten I was playing in Lexington on a tuesday? Who knows. Anyway, I let it go and it was now my turn to play. I was doing my set per usual. At one point, I look down towards stage left and see this woman, leaning over the barricade…motionless…staring a hole in my head. The only way I can describe the look on her face was that of the evil old woman from the Goonies. There was just…visible disdain shooting right at me. I just kind of ignored it and kept going. A little while later, I check down, and she’s now seemingly fallen over the barricade. It’s possible she walked around it and then fell down…but…I dunno. That’s a whole lot of work. Someone in the crowd noticed and the security picked her up off the ground and carried her away. I later heard, she had driven there and the people from the venue , wisely, wouldn’t let her drive her car. After all, she was as drunk a 14 year old girl. I guess she put up a stink about it and was eventually arrested.
The next day, i receive this message in my facebook music page inbox
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The punch she’s referring to is one she exchanged with my tour manager…who she thought was me before she even met me. Clearly, it was black out city after that. I’d be willing to bet she doesn’t even remember the merch booth exchange.
I think the moral of this story is this…Don’t pre game too hard. If it’s 9 pm and you’re already sloppy, you’re night is as good as over. Also, be good to your children. support them in their art. And if their art doesn’t happen to be the kind of art you want them to do? Tough break. It’s not all about you. Let them breath and find their own direction.

Okay, so the second story is more an explanation…
When i saw the tour dates of where I was playing, I was happy to see Atlanta on the list. I love Atlanta. I have great shows there. The people are great and it’s just a fun city in general. The club I was playing, Iris, was not a familiar name to me. I figured, hell, what do you I know. I’m not from ATL so it’s probably fine. The first day of promoting shows , I start getting an immediate influx of “Why are you playing at the Iris!?!?” from people on facebook. I’ve literally never seen such a negative response to a venue before. In my mind, how bad could it be? It’s got good sound and place for people to stand? Seems like that should be enough. I went back at forth with some of the complainers trying to explain that but, the more i did that, the more other people would add on “nah, man…it’s really the worst…”.
So, what would normally be a highlight show for any tour down south was now under the black cloud of doubt. It didn’t help when I saw how it was being promoted. It was a rave, basically. They spoke of giveaways, bottle service and “the iris dancers”. To be clear, all this is fine and dandy. It’s just soooooo not the scene I’m in. I make hip hop beats with weird samples and limited 808’s. No triplets. Not bass drops. It’s just not my style. So, this only made me more anxious heading into ATl.
We finally get there and I see exactly what I’m dealing with. It’s a club. Like a straight up club. I got thoroughly frisked walking in…DURING SOUNDCHECK. Literally the first time that’s ever happened. The dj booth was on an extremely high , multi tiered stage (which was cool for me cause I didn’t wanna be stuck on the floor level in a literal booth). Everyone who worked there was nice. The promoters were nice. Honestly, as much as the room felt “wrong” , part of me was relieved that maybe this wouldn’t be that bad cause all the involved parties were seemingly into what was going on.
When I got on, this dude was just playing a set of some heavier bass music. The room was pretty packed and very excited. I look down into the crowd and see a sea of young ravers…there’s all sorts of raver balloons and glow sticks being handed out to the crowd. That’s odd. I get on, take the mic and greet the crowd. Typically , if I’m headlining a show, when I do this, I am met with some sort of reaction. After all, People are there to see me, right? On this night…I’m met with a quiet murmur. Okey dokey. SO, I start my set. Within moments I see the floor start to clear. There were two other room of music going on. I can only assume they were the correct kinds of music for such a venue cause that’s where everyone went. Looking into the crowd, there were some people into it. People who knew my music. But, for the most part, it was confusion. About 15 minutes into my see, I see a bunch of girls on the side of the stage. I assume these are the “Iris girls”. From what i can gather, they are hired to dance there, dressed in lingerie. Umm…okay. So they saunter out on stage and start attempting to dance to my set. Here’s the thing…I don’t think they know how to dance to something in the 95-100 beat per minute range. They looked noticeably uncomfortable. The stuck it out for a song or two then retreated, exchanging looks of “wtf is this shit?!!?”. It was fine with me cause, honestly, scantily clad dancing women and my live set don’t make much sense. I’d be better off with a crew of break dancing midgets. My set continues on and the crowd is thinning even more. All I can think about it “Man…I’m in ATL and this is the show I’m playing…” and it’s bumming me out. At some point, the Iris girls come out again but this time they have bags of balloons. The throw them into the crowd and the crowd seems to love it. In fact,the love it so much, they just start loudly popping the balloons at a rapid rate. So that sounded cool. Much like the firecracker scene in “Boogie nights”.
The peak moment during my set soon followed. I looked down at the front of the stage and I caught a glimpse of this one girl. She was literally sitting there frowning with her arms crossed. Like…who took your teddy bear?
I guess at some point, this inner rage boiled to the surface and she felt it was time to take things into her own own hands. I’m actually happy I got to see this all happen as it unfolded. I saw her, barrel roll onto the first tier of the stage (it was about 4 feet off the ground) and, like a zombie in world war z, jump into action, climbing a second tier on the stage to get to my level. She had a look on her face. It was just pure anger.She got up to where I was, ran around the booth and I felt a firm tap on my shoulder. I turned and saw her eyes shooting death into mine but before she could get out a word, the bouncers grappled her up and dragged her ass off stage. It was nuts. So much fury, in the name of bass.
My set finished in like 10 more minutes and went out with a whimper. I said thank you to the crowd and the response might as well have been me asking if any one has seen a blue nissan parked in a tow away zone.
As i walked of stage, i was bummed. It was a waste of a chance to play in ATL. I ran into the sound guy and he was very kind about it. “Man, i like what you did up there but I have no idea why you played this place”. I agreed. He went on to tell me that, typically, no matter who’s playing that main room, it’s packed to the gills. So, I basically did the impossible and cleared the room of people who are not discerning at all. I then ran into one of the promoters and kinda was like “ooof…that was rough…” He was understanding and explained they were trying to do something new and perhaps open me up to a different fan base via this crowd. Cross branding. Which, in theory, isn’t a bad idea. I mean, shit, If I can come away with 5 new fans from that crowd the next time I do a show down there…that’s not a bad thing. But, still…it felt like a waste. I don’t play that area much and, when I do, I wanna do it for the people who actually wanna see me. Not a bunch of 20 year old ravers who only wanna hear bass drops for 4 hours. But, hey, i got paid so I can’t really complain.
But, yeah…ATL…Hopefully I’ll be back in the right place next time. I look forward to seeing you guys.

That’s all I got. i had a great time otherwise and I can’t wait to hit the west coast with Lipp. You guys never disappoint. See y’all soon!

Answers for Questions vol. 286

Hi there. Welcome to another edition of “Answers for questions”. You guys ask me stuff and I answer. So simple. If you’d like to join the fun, PLEASE DO! Send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or just leave them in the comment section below. All I ask is you be creative. Be weird. It makes the column better for everyone. I generally don’t skip over any questions but something like “What inspires you?” is getting ignored. Gotta keep it interesting. Speaking of which, this week has some good ones in. Let’s check it out…

What is the scariest experience you’ve had in your life?
Well, there have been varying ones. Seeing people get shot was scary but not in the sense that I thought my life was in danger. It was just fucked up. Being robbed at gunpoint was scary but, again, I never actually felt like I was gonna die. I just gave up 8 bucks and it was over.
Honestly, and I think I’ve told this story before, the most scared I’ve ever been happened in Cape cod, Mass.
My parents had a summer home there and we would go every summer for a month or two. It was a house buried deep in the woods and all the walls were glass. At night, you couldn’t see through the glass at all. So, one night, I was there with my brother, one of my nieces and one of my nephews. There was a baby sitter there too even though I was around 11 at the time.
We were sitting in the living room, just watching tv when we heard a blood curdling scream. Like someone had just gotten their toe chopped off or something. That was followed by the sound of multiple feet stomping through the woods and mens voices, creaming at each other, then followed by the sound of a bunch of motorcycles tearing through the woods. Now, keep in mind, we can’t see shit outside, but our lights were on so anyone with sight could see into the house. Also, these sounds sounded like they were coming from 15 feet outside the house. They were so fucking vivid. and the crunching around in the woods and motorcycles keep going. We heard lots of yelling and what sounded like arguing. Hard to say but it was pretty fucking aggressive, whatever it was. Sufficed to say, we all were freaking out. The Baby sitter too. So, we ran upstairs to my parents bedroom (the only room with a lock on it) and locked ourselves in there. The baby sitter had the number to where my parents were and called them. Like they would come home from some art party 4 drinks deep and stop a motorcycle gang from killing us all. My nephew, who must have been around 4 years old at the time, started just vomiting out of fear. So that was awesome.
Eventually the sounds stopped, my parents came home and everything was fine but that hour or so of sheer terror in the woods was something I’ll never forget. Man…fuck nature.
As some back story, it turned out there was a biker gang who had a place down the road. I never found out what the blood curdling scream was but no bodies were found so i can only assume they were drunk and terrorizing the locals for shits and giggles. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

If you had to pick one band/performer at some point in history to see live in their full glory, who would it be? Any specific songs or albums? (mine would be the Talking Heads doing this song…
…if you’re interested, although Pink Floyd is a close second

Hmm…That’s a tough question. I’ve never been a huge fan of live music but I also think that’s because I like hip hop and, let’s face it, it’s just not that great live. That said, when I see old clips of certain bands/singers, there’s a purity to their performances that I feel like is lost today. It’s simple and understated. Like, seeing Stevie wonder in his prime would have been insane. But, I’mma go with Donny Hathaway, simply cause I think he’s pretty much got my favorite singing voice of all time and to see him live would be very special. I found THIS clip of just the audio and it gives me chills.

So… here are some tech related questions:
As you’re travelling just by yourself on tour, do you actually have a
backup plan, in case your gear gets stolen, corrupted or just breaks
down (dying the hardware death)? Is this something that frequently
concerns you? Do you carry backups? Do you have backups available online
(for the software), as hardware might be replaceable, if in luck?
I’m asking this, because I’ve been on both sides of the fence for more
than ten years now and with some combinations (especially software with
certain hardware, or cables) I tend to get super paranoid about by now.
This leads me to the next topic/ question:
What was your most horrible stage fuckup, as of now (hardware burning
up, software crashing irrevocably, destroying your session, or even the
venues’ hardware giving up on you)?

Oh great. Tech questions…my favorite 😦
I sometimes bring a hard drive with all the things I need on it but, even if that did work, I’d have to find another computer with abelton and I’d still lose a bunch of files cause some of the clips I use in my sets are simply not saved the right way.
But, generally, I don’t have a back up plan. I realize this is dumb but I can’t be traveling with two computers just in case. It does concern me but I honestly try to just not think about it. In fact, this just reminded me I need to buy a new computer.
One thing I’ve done before is recorded my live set in it entirety. I had it in a wav form and carried it on a flash drive so, worst cause, I could just play that and fake the rest but I’ve never had to actually do that. I’d feel shitty about doing that too but it would be my last resort.
I did have a computer die on me once while touring in russia. My shit just conked out and I was forced to do “dj sets” which was literally me just playing my songs on cdj’s to a crowd of disappointed people. But, hey, it’s all I could do. The promoters were not thrilled!
As for the second part, I haven’t had one of those technical meltdowns on stage yet. Knock on wood. Outside glitches and human error, I’ve been pretty lucky thus far with that.

What do you remember from your American History classes? Did you eat in class?
Nothing. I remember most of nothing from high school in general. Possibly cause i wasn’t paying attention in the first place. For me, school was about getting by. Retain enough info to pass the test and move on. When that’s done, that info got dumped and replaced by hip hop trivia or obliterated by booze, tv and girls. I was a TERRIBLE student. Not only did I not try in the slightest but I genuinely didn’t care about failing. Like, you know how some people have pride and that stops them from just totally throwing in the towel? I didn’t have that. To me, school meant nothing. Getting an f on a test didn’t make me feel bad about myself cause I knew how little I cared. I once got a 24 on multiple choice science final and hung in on my fridge. I somehow got through school though (I was naturally good at some subjects and just bullshitted/cheated my way through the rest) but it’s a wonder I even went to college, if not for just a year.
So, yeah…my knowledge of history is as basic as it comes. And , no, I didn’t eat in class. I doodled and spaced out.

you have to go on a cruise to the Bahamas with a famous comedian, musician, actor, and former president. They’re all coming with you and you’ll spend all of your time together. Who’s on your list? And what would you do to pass the time

Man, I don’t think I wanna take a trip with any of those types of people. Whole lotta misery and ego right there…
Comedian: Patrice O’neal.
He’s just the funniest person ever to me and he’s not a self hating , depressed comedian. He’d probably just diss the shit out of everyone there the entire time and I’d sit back and watch that happen.

Musician: Sammy Hagar
He makes his own tequila and I bet he knows all about that island life. I’m not the type of fan who has interest in meeting my heroes and recognize that most of them, in all reality, were probably very flawed human beings I wouldn’t wanna spend actual time with. So, I’ll go with sammy cause I’m not a fan and I don’t give a fuck about what he does. I bet he’s got some great stories though.

Actor: Jessica biel from like, 8 year ago

I don’t have much reverence for actors. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there are some incredibly talented people out there but it’s kinda like with musicians, I don’t need that curtain pulled back. So i choose Biel cause, well, she’s insanely hot and I’d like to see her on the beach. She seems pretty down to earth too and , honestly, I’d want a female there cause hagning out with 4 strange dudes doesn’t sound that fun to me.

President: Obama

I’m not a history buff and I don’t care about meeting some old president. Obama is EASILY the coolest president ever and I bet he’s be fun to chill with. at the very least, we could find a hoop on the island and play some basketball together. This is a vacation on an island, not a classroom. Why would I wanna sit around picking Abraham lincolns brain when I could literally be doing anything else. I could be eating some soft shell crab and drinking a Mojito. I’ll take that…with my dude, Obama.

What will be written on your tombstone vs. what you want to be written on your tombstone?
I don’t really ever think about it cause, you know, when I’m dead , I’m dead right? Not like I’ll come back and check up on that tombstone and be like “aww man…they didn’t even mention “daylight”!”. So, really, they can write whatever they want. “Here lies Tony Simon, He farted often and never understood the appeal of Star Wars” or “Here Lies Tony simon, He died…shit happens tho”
I’d imagine my tombstone will be no frills. Just my name and the dates of my life. Who knows, if I live long enough, maybe tombstones will be all futuristic and have LED recaps of my life’s greatest moments. Or maybe it will be that but they’ll use it as ad space. Like “Here lies Tony Simon 1976-2048: Buy Lexapro when you’re sad!”
The future is a magical place, guys.

Donald Trump, stripped of his power and wealth has to be sentenced. You’ve been appointed judge by powerful, ethical aliens that want humanity to carry out the task. All they tell you is that it has to be “educational for him, his supporters and everyone else watching”. You might be wondering if the aliens are testing you and humanity with the decision you make. What would you sentence him to?
I think I’d give him a “trading places” punishment. Make him live his life well below the poverty line with the same disadvantages those people have to deal with. See how he’d do with no money or power to fall back on. I’d assume he’d be dead within 3 weeks but, hey, that’s worth it to prove a point, right? Also,So that his supporters could be educated too, it would be filmed and made into a reality series that follows him through his awful fucking life.
I’d also do it in an unfamiliar place. He wouldn’t be broke in NYC. He’s be broke in the Ozark mountains or like some desolate shithole in the Nevada dessert where people die from scorpion stings on a weekly basis. A place where there is little or no hope to ever get out of that hole.
Yup…that would do the trick.

Demo Reviews Vol. 79

Oh goddamnit…it’s time for “Demo Reviews”. This is where I review songs sent in by readers. I try and be honest cause what is the point otherwise?
I am currently not accepting new submissions but they’ll be back open soon enough. Until then, sharpen you craft. If this weeks batch is any indication, you all need LOTS of work.
Anyway, the reviews work like so…I listen, write a paragraph or two about the song then arbitrarily review the songs from 1-10 in these categories:

Pretty simple….yet so painful. Let’s delve into this weeks scrap heap. Put on your helmet.

Artist: La Li Dawg
Song: Hawks on a moon

It’s starts off very atmospheric and kinda sounds like music you might hear during an acupuncture session but with more drums. The, halfway through it switches up and some vocals come in. I don’t know if they’re a sample or original. I truly have no clue. I’d guess a sample but you never know. I honestly don’t know what to make of this. Not sure what genre it even is. It’s strange and kinda interesting but also nothing i’d really check for. But props for making a song that’s really hard to review.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:5? not sure….
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:6.5 out of 10

Artist:Alonte Harris

This is a pretty weak attempt at some Spooky black kinda cloud shit. Problem is, the singer is not very good and the beat is as generic as possible. The vocals sound like they were recorded through a tin can and the singer isn’t fully committed to what he’s doing. I don’t blame him. he shouldn’t be.
The beat feels like it was a setting on a plug-in or something. There’s just nothing original or interesting about it.
Production:3.5 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Richard Poor
Song: Kiwi…

This is a rare case of a rapper having a good voice but not quite being there as a rapper. The good news is that means he’s got a good tool to work with. Practice, get more comfortable and tighten up the flow and there’s some promise here. It’s kinda like a pitcher who can throw 100 mph but can’t throw a strike.
The beat is a cool but kinda (purposely?) sloppy little jazz number. I’m not mad at it but, you know, it’s just drums and piano loop.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Academic Dishonesty
song: Every time the beat drop

How the fuck do songs like this find me? Like, surely no one who reads my blog or knows what I kind of music I would make would send me this thinking I would like it, right?
Anyway…Continuing with the “Bashful ass rappers trying to have swag” style , this one pick up where the singer guy left off earlier. I realize the nonchalant style is meant to show an “IDGAF” coolness but in order for it to work you must have a good, confidant voice and fluidity to your lyrics. This guy has neither.
The Beat is what it is. Some club trap shit. Nice low end but ultimately kind of annoying and absolutely cookie cutter.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:2 out of 10

Artist: Meathead MC
Song: The Neighborhood

Honestly, I expected a worse rapper, with the chosen name. Like, his voice isn’t great but he can kinda flow at times and he sounds comfortable behind the mic. This song is weird cause its about his hometown (which I dunno where it is. HPR?) so it’s kinda uninteresting to anyone who’s not from there…which is everyone. So, I dunno…limited audience for this one.
Beat-wise, shit is pretty amateur. The drums are really bad in general. I’m not mad at the samples and a better producer coulda flipped them into something tighter for sure.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Song:Pop the Clutch

yeah….i just don’t know anymore. Like, I get what this is going for and there are technical aspects of this that aren’t bad at all. It’s just a formula I’m so bored by at this point. The rapper can rap. Sure. His white voice definitely doesn’t work with this kinda track. The singing is a thing…it’s an attempt. I get it. Not for me. it’s not bad though.
The beat is well made and probably the best part of the song and even that isn’t that great.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Karkut
Song: If you wanna get down

We’ve reached a point in music where “If you wanna get down” is not an acceptable song title. Also, sampling James Brown…not okay.
Granted, I do give credit for mixing and matching a bunch of different Brown samples creatively. Honestly, just on that, it’s the best production I’ve heard all week, even though what it samples couldn’t be more played out. So, I’m kinda half and half on this one. It’s creative and impressive while also well worn territory
Production:6 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Jesta G
Song: Damn Pranks

Nope. Not at all. Stop it.
This is a song made for fun by someone who doesn’t give a fuck. And that’s the best thing about it…but it’s a mediocre beat and bad rapper trying to be funny. This is a song someone makes and plays for their friends and it should end there.
The rapper is sloppy and just kinda aimless. The beat is cheap sounding. The mixing is sloppy (turn the ad libs down, dude).
And, even though it’s supposed to be funny, any humor value ( for me, at least) is lost in bad delivery but..honestly, i don’t think it would be particularly funny if a better rapper rapped in anyway.
Production:3.5 out of 10
Vocals:3.5 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

What do you think?

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 50

Hi there. It’s time once again for your favorite/least favorite column, Fuck/Marry/Kill. you know the game. it’s dumb and played by morons across the globe. I’m no different. As always, i must preface this by saying it is not meant to be taken seriously whatsoever. I don’t actually think i could fuck, marry or kill any of these people/things/concepts. It’s for shits and giggles so, please, if you’re feeling like being outraged by something, do better. In a world full of injustices, this is not a worthy cause. Also, get out the house more, you fucking loser.
If you have any F/m/K options you’d like to submit, fire away. Leave them in the comment section below. Be creative cause this it’s the 50th volume. Not my first rodeo!

F/m/k- Rumer Willis, Mary Steenburgen, Kelly Osbourne

Marry: Mary Steenburgen
Gotta Marry Mary, bro.
She’s the pretty obvious choice to me. She’s aged incredibly well, seems like a cool lady and is not the other two. That’s about all it takes in this contest. There’s also the “old crush” factor as I’ve always thought she was cute from a young age so that kinda thing carries over. It’s really a cut and dry case.

Fuck: Rumer Willis
Sure, she kinda looks like an easter island statue or a white Rajon Rondo but, if Fuck/marry/kill is about anything, its about being blatantly shallow. Rumer willis has a really nice body. Sorry…she does. And, sometimes, that’s all you need when sex is the goal. Do girls do that? I feel like that’s a guy thing. Having sex with someone specifically cause you like their body. Like, i know I’ve heard girls talk about “butterfaces” before but do you guys actually go through with it just to get a hold of that bod? Like, would you have sex with Michael Phelps? Tough questions, i know. But these are the type of hard hitting realities that come up when you play a game as serious as “Fuck/marry/Kill”.

Kill:Kelly Osbourne
There is so much to disdain about her, this was an easy choice.
She seems like a total spoiled asshole. Entitled and mean. On top of that, she’s got one of those faces I just hate. Kinda…I dunno…downy. It’s not even her fault. There have been far more attractive famous people I’ve felt the same way about. There is just something about it that screams to me “naaahhhhhhh, b”. Like the opposite of pheromones.
I feel like many people might marry her in this equation just to sneak into that Ozzy Lineage but , personally, I don’t give a fuck about all that one bit. I’d much rather be a “willis/moore” and i don’t even wanna do that so, sadly, RIP Kelly.


Fuck: Basketball
This is a bastard of a choice but I have to be logical here. I love basketball. I need it in my life. Not even watching it but playing it. It’s one of my greatest joys. That said…I won’t die if i don’t play basketball. Nope, I’ll just get fat. Very very fat. I can’t imagine a world without it but, at the same time, how well am i gonna play if I never eat again? Probably not well. in fact, I’d die…soooooo…I guess I’m laying sweet James Naismith on his back and boning him anal missionary for one night of passion. Goddamn this whole thing!

Marry: Food
Aside from the obvious “I must eat to live” aspect of this…I love food. I look forward to eating constantly. When I finish a meal, even when I’m so full I wanna just explode like your man in “Monty Python’s meaning of life“, I’m still kinda thinking what my next meal will be. I generally know what food I’ll be eating all day, the second I wake up. Sufficed to say, food is on my mind all the time…and isn’t that how you want a marriage? Waking up with a person on your mind, going to sleep thinking about them. Sure, that sounds like obsession but love and obsession really share the same space. One is one of life’s joys and the other is creepy. Whether or not it’s requited is what decides that! So, if food will have me, I would be it’s forever and ever.

Kill: Porn
Man…I don’t wanna kill porn. I love porn. My brain is fried from years of watching it so the idea of using my…IMAGINATION when jerking off is not even really on the table. I feel like, once you get to a certain age, not only does that skill wane but you got too much on your plate. I can’t sit around in a pitch dark room conjuring fantasies without my mind meandering. All of a sudden, i’m thinking about my taxes or what my next meal is gonna be (shout out to food, y’all). So, yes, porn is very important to my process of busting nuts when alone. That said, there are other ways to bust nuts so it will never be as important as food or basketball to me. I suppose, if I had to kill porn, it would force me to be super pro active and look for sex more often which probably isn’t the worst thing on earth. Also, might be good for my mental state in general cause, you know, porn is pretty fucked up if you think about it. I’d rather not think about it though.

F/M/K Comedian edition:Sarah Silverman,Aubrey Plaza,Chelsea Handler

Kill: Chelsea handler
I actually like her show on “netflix” where she tackles taboo topics head on and she seems pretty cool but…I dunno…I appreciate her outlook on life in many ways but she’s seems like one of those people who’s sarcastic ALL the time. You know how that shit is…you can’t talk to people like that cause you feel like they’re never being genuine. On a shallow level, I’m also least attracted to her soooo, you know, there’s that too.I’m not typically a “blonde” guy. I mean, I like them but they’re never my first pick. Shallow, i know but it’s the name of the game, guys.
It’s funny cause, in reality I’d probably totally like her and have sex with her (and she’d never fuck me in a million years which is what’s so funny about this game) but this isn’t reality…it’s F/m/k…and this is not a place where reality matters.

Marry: Sarah Silverman
She’s my shit. She’s fucking hilarious. She hot. She’s cool. It’s funny cause the same thing I said about Handler being sarcastic could apply to Silverman but, for some reason, it doesn’t bother me. She also falls into “old crush” territory with me as well as another wheelhouse of mine which is east coast jew types. I grew up being into them and that has remained. They just feel like home.
From what i hear, Silverman has been a much sought after lady for her entire life. i’ve heard stories of dinner parties at her house where it’s was literally like a reality show where 15 bachelors vie for her attention. Makes sense. I’d be right up in that shit.

Fuck: Aubrey Plaza
you know, I think she’s very cute. She’s not my type at all. I don’t really go for the tall skinny hipster thing but there is something about her that grabs me. She just seems…I dunno…mean. Normally, that would repel me but I guess we all have our triggers and she gets me on some weird psychological level i can’t really explain. Perhaps he reminds me of a girl who would NEVER give me the time of day and that makes me want it more? Hard to say. Whatever the case, I even think the sex would probably be pretty bad. Like that “Owww…don’t move my leg there!” or “I don’t want your hand on my butt cheeks…it makes me feel weird” kinda sex that just deflates any excitement in the room. But, still, here we are…meanwhile, i bet sex with Chelsea handler would be super fun. Damn…Have i made a terrible mistake? Luckily, this is all make believe.

F/m/k:Madea, Mrs. Doubt fire and Tootsie

Fuck: Madea
See, I have this thing in “Fuck/marry/kill” where I don’t do male options cause they would all be a tie with how little i would want to have sex with them. The crafty motherfucker who submitted this option really found a loophole and , to that, i tip my hat. Well done, you fucking jerk.
Why would I fuck Madia? Man…i don’t fucking know. I guess, Madia looks the least haggard of the three? I’ve never seen a Madea movie but is she supposed to be an actual woman? Cause the other two are transvestites and it’s known so, at least in that level, I’d be having sex with a “woman”. Even if it is Tyler perry in a dress and terrible make up.

Marry: Tootsie
See, Tootsie is a throwback. When i grew up in the village, I saw transvestites all over the place. It was a common thing from a very young age. In the 80’s they looked like Tootsie. They were clearly men with bad dresses and terribly applied make up. Nowadays, the game has changed and they have stepped up on all fronts. I defy any straight man to walk around Christopher St. in the West village on a summer day and not get caught out there peeping a girl , then realizing “Oh snap, that’s a dude/Transexual”. It’s just a different ball game all together and props to them from tightening all that up.
So, why does all that equate to me marrying Tootsie? I think it’s for old times sake. I feel comfort in Tootsie. It would be like marrying the old NYC. And , you know, Dustin Hoffman is probably a pretty cool guy too.

Kill: Mrs. Doubtfire
I just don’t think i could handle that voice. Sure, there would be plusses to marrying her. She cooks! She Cleans! but this isn’t the 1950’s and i don’t care about all that. It’s extra. I genuinely don’t wanna wake up looking at some decrepit old transvestite who voice sounds like an air horn. I mean, shit, she wears the same thing EVERY FUCKING DAY. She looks like Mrs. butterworth. It’s just a no go for this one. RIP to her and Robin Williams, though.

Pick your favorite song

I always enjoy doing these polls to get an idea where the readers tastes fall at the moment. Sometimes you guys surprise me, other times, you fall right into my trap. So, without any leading or angling, I present some songs for you to check out. Please try and check them all before making your vote. Cause that’s democracy. In Fact, VOTE FOR TWO SONGS. Just to keep it interesting.
(I fully expect Schoolboy Q to run away with this and probably shouldn’t have even made it an option but I’ll be curious to see what comes in second place)

So, what’s your favorite?

Answers for Questions vol. 285

Hi! Welcome to a new “Answers for Questions”. THis is where you, the reader, get to ask me literally anything. I will answer it (within reason). So, if you have a question, send it my way: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave it in the comment section below. Be weird. Be interesting. this week is full of music related questions and, depending who you are, might bore the shit out of you. Then again, it will be great for music nerds so i guess it works both ways. I’ll let you be the judge.

If you had to try a recreational drug that you haven’t tried by now, which one would it be?
Hmmm…I gotta say, all the drugs I haven’t tried are ones I haven’t tried for a reason.
Don’t like uppers and my heart gets weird when I drink coffee so I’m not fucking with anything like that. Also, having been around so much of it and the people who do it, i never wanna be like them. I bet i’d like parts of it too I just don’t think my heart could handle it.
Don’t like downers and I’ve seen this fuck up too many people to even indulge the idea. Also, any drug that makes you barf is a no go for me.
I smoked a blunt laced with it by mistake once and I’m good on that shit forever.The idea of smoking it on purpose is insane to me.
4)all pharms
I just don’t do them.
People keep shoving this shit in my face but , whenever I hear it described it sounds like the last thing I wanna do. I’m not looking for a life altering experience or to find myself. I’m almost 40.
6)Special K
Seeing people on this shit made me never wanna touch it. but, outside of molly, i avoid powders.
Honestly, I’m scared of it a little cause of how long it lasts. I bet I’d like it , under the right circumstances
I don’t like the feeling of being tired or slowed down. This is like that on 10. no thanks.

So I guess I’d go with Acid. But , at this point, i don’t see that happening.

I know you’ve been asked about your favorite albums, but what are some of your favorite mixtapes? Not by today’s definition of a mixtape, but the kind you would go to canal street or fat beats for.. something that’s actually… mixed. I guess I’m mostly thinking hiphop, but any genre, any time period would do. Thanks!
I was never a guy who bought many mixtapes. I would walk up to the stands with them on the street, look at the tracklisting and be like “Meh”. Thing is, back then, I used to get all my new shit from radio shows. Stretch and bob, Nighttrain, Martin moore’s show and there was one on NYU radio as well. I’d record off the radio and make mixes out of that. In that era, mixtapes would have maybe one song i hadn’t heard/didn’t have already and I HATED scratching. Not in general but that thing where they’d play a song and then scratch the beginning for 3 minutes, bringing back the first verse over and over again. I couldn’t deal. So, i never bought any of them shits.
Nowadays, Mixtapes mean something else entirely. They’re basically albums that you give away for free. Gunplay has made some bangers, Vince staples put out a great one before he dropped his last EP. Hell, Drake’s newest “album” was considered a mixtape and, sorry to all the sad faced underground rap fans but that shit had some seriously dope music on it.

Can you offer some insight into why calling someone out for driving a rental car used to be a diss in 00’s independent rap?

“For the last time, I’m nasty – like Nas was at halftime
You fuckin know it like I know that’s a rental car
Hey sucka poet, whoever ya are” -Sage, Tolerance Level

Slug had a rental car diss in one of his songs as well, but I cant find/remember it.

I wouldn’t say those two songs make dissing people who drive a rental car “a thing”. I certainly never noticed that as a trend. i would say it’s cause rappers clown on each other for being broke but neither Sage nor Slug seem the type to point that out. Especially in the early 2000’s era of “Do it for the love!” indie rap. My guess? They were just random lines in songs that had no real meaning behind them.

You probably get tired of sampling questions. But I’m obsessed with sampling right now and you’re pretty much the only beatmaker whose beats I listen to just for fun (although I’m starting to get into 9th Wonder, but I doubt he’d ever answer questions). So anyway, how do you go about layering multiple samples together? Do you ever get frustrated that you can’t get two (or more) samples to blend together that you just stop trying for the day? It’s something I tried looking up online, but for some reason there seems to be no definite answer. Also, have you ever come to Mexico? I don’t know how many fans you have over here but it’d be awesome to see one of your shows live.

Back in the day, it was different. Before I used abelton (which was around the time I made “uncle Tony’s coloring book”), matching samples was tough cause I wasn’t using time stretching. My sampler didn’t have it so I had to do it manually by manipulating samples. Things wouldn’t match ALL THE TIME. Making a beat was basically creating a foundation and then searching for layers that might or might not work. Trial and error. I usually found some things but there were definitely days it just wasn’t working.
Once Abelton came into the picture, that all changed. I could match most things within reason. Just make the loop and adjust the pitch. Sure, not everything works but most things can be pitch shifted to at least be in key. Whether that works or not remains to be seen (major/minor chords, awkward time signature. dissonance, basic moods not aligning are all reasons a sample might not work with another even though it’s in the same key). So, basically, all you need is an ear that can tell when something is in key or not. If you lack that, i’m afraid music isn’t for you cause, well, that’s like being a chef who can’t taste.

As for mexico, I’ve never been or gotten an offer but I’d love to go one day. if you know promoters, send them my way!

If you could control one aspect of your biological functionality, what would it be? We’re talking exhaustion, tan levels, metabolism, muscle mass, ect.
I wish I could control all those things. Metabolism would be amazing cause then i could exercise sparingly and eat everything I want. Like, say I’m about to eat a huge meal, just flip my metabolism WAY up. Basically, I’m all about food and how I can cheat the system of never becoming a fat fuck.

Hey man, love the blog. I’ve got a few questions about drums…

Do you tend to sample individual hits from different beats or chop into a single loop?

Any great record labels or artists who are great for loud clear drums?

How do you generally layer / EQ your kick drums?

Do you get much use out of any drum machines?

1)I do all sorts of different things. I take hits, I use drum loops, I chop loops.
2)I’m sure there are but I don’t tend to pay attention to that kinda thing. I find most of my drums randomly.
3)I use 808’s sometimes to give the kick more bottom but often , the kick I use will be fine on it’s own. Layering tapped out kicks over chopped breaks gives me the best sound, i find. As for eq, I do it by ear. Just tweak it till it sounds right. I’m not a producer who will sit a tweak a drum for 3 hours. I usually figure that out pretty quickly and move on. Or save it for when the beat is actually being mixed by a professional.
4)I haven’t used any drum machines. i’ve used sounds sampled from them though.

What would be your fantasy cartoon foursome? Feel like a threesome involving only two cartoons wouldn’t really suffice with the whole dimension problem, you’d lose a pretty significant factor of threesomes really wouldn’t you. (Mine would be Rick Sanchez, Larry the Lobster and Aladdin…would be mental)

Hmm…I’m not much of a cartoon person. Especially action cartoons. So, my knowledge is stifled here. But, Jessica rabbit, The hot girl from Archer and April O’neil from Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 8

Uberfacts is a twitter handle that spouts all sorts of bullshit all day. Sometimes it’s truths, other times it’s highly questionable opinions disguised at truths. It’s all over the place. In this column, I like to focus in on certain tweets and discuss them at length. Sometimes to agree, other times to disagree and sometimes just to open a larger discussion up. It’s all fun for the whole family (minus your kids or parents). Take a ride with me down Uberfacts alley.

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Damn, Uberfacts out here exposing the dirty truth. Turns out Beethoven was a scum bag just like, oh i dunno, EVERY OTHER MUSICIAN EVER. That and he was lazy…JUST LIKE EVER OTHER MUSICIAN EVER.
I’m not quite sure how Uberfacts found this little tidbit out. I assume they’re just a bunch of dudes sitting around a table , eating cold pizza and spitballing ideas. One guy says something like “What up with Beethoven though?” then another guy, looking up from clearing the chamber in his bong coughs out “I know, right? Like…I bet he was all about the pussy…”. The Table laughs until one guy goes “Nah, like, i heard he hated giving Piano lessons cause, like, he only wanted to teach hot chicks…or really talented people”…and an uberfact is born.
Here’s the thing, he’s probably right. Artist are certainly like this. The saying “those who can’t, teach” exists for a reason cause those who can generally are far too in their own heads to be able to tell another person how to do the thing they do. A thing that, most likely, comes so easy to them they can’t even explain why they do it so well in the first place. It’s kinda like how Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant will never make a good coach. It’s simply not their strong points.
So, you take a guy like Beethoven. I’m assuming he’s a musical genius. I’d be lying if I said I sit around bumping his stuff but, you know, he’s fucking Beethoven. I’d be shocked if he even taught lessons in the first places but I guess artists have been needing a supplemental income since forever. Nice to see that’s been one constant in music. Of course Beethoven doesn’t wanna sit there with some 4 year old trying to do scales while snot drips out of his nose all over the keys. It takes a person with saint-like patience to do that kinda work. No, for Beethoven, he’s gonna need two things. Someone who’s a natural just like him…meaning he doesn’t really have to teach much OR a fine piece of ass that he can possibly seduce. Sure, she may not be able to play a lick but Beethoven can get his flirt on, adjust his powered wig and possible pop off that 9 layer corset by the end of the “class”. In a way, there’s something comforting to know that musicians have been this way since the beginning. Everyone except the Gregorian monks. Pretty sure they did it for the love. Shout out to them.

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I’m not one to research anything I write about cause it often gets ruined by “facts” and, trust me, i know one of you smug motherfuckers CAN’T wait to correct me in the comment section so, obviously, I’m talking out my ass here…but is there any way this service isn’t based in Japan? It just sounds so japanese.
So, uberfacts, you’re telling me there is dating site where strangers send their dirty shirts in and exchange them with other dirty shirts , in order for people to find their match? Word. Totally. Sounds practical. Like, how do they send shirts? There’s no way they do one at a time? And they must have to be sealed in an air tight packaging in order to preserve the funk. All logic aside, I do kinda get this cause there is something to be said about pheromones. That shit is real. Some people just have a draw on other people and we don’t really get to choose it. I’ve had many situations in life where I saw a girl i was incredibly attracted to, we start hanging out and , for some reason, the attraction just kinda fizzles. That magnetic pull wasn’t there. Meanwhile, I’ve had the same thing with “less” attractive girls when it’s like they sweat molly water or something and you can’t get enough. God forbid you meet the person who’s both attractive AND has that subtle fragrant pull on you…that’s how wars start or why people end up killing each other. Shit’s mad real.
So, Perhaps, this dating service, as gross and illogical as it sounds, is on to something. The concept of finding the scent first is interesting. That said, the level of backfiring it must have is probably ungodly but still, in a world where we’ve exhausted all angles of online dating, props to these people for trying something way out the box.

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I don’t have anything to really complain or rant about where this was concerned but I more just wanna spotlight it. How awesome is this? More than that, how is this not a movie yet? Hollywood is always looking for ways to give old ass actors a role that’s relevant and I see no movie more popping than this one. Let’s get them all…Michael Caine, patrick stewart, Sir Ian MCkellen , Robert Redford (is he still alive?), Gene hackman etc…this shit will pop off. It will be like “Grumpy old men” but an action thriller. Just make sure it’s not done by some hack director and I would watch the fuck out of this movie. You’re welcome hollywood.

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When “Pour some sugar on me” came out, i was a child in summer camp. It was HUGE. Everyone loved it. We all sang it, along with the other summer hit of that year “paul revere” by the beastie boys. I was at that age where I didn’t like music for real yet. So, if something played often enough, I was on board. But this joint? It was everything. Looking back, 30 years later…it just dawned on me that I have literally never given one second of thought to what the lyrics mean. This is partially cause I’ve always been a rap guy and , honestly, i’ve always assumed most pop rock music lyrics meant absolutely nothing. I still believe that. In general, they’re either bad high school poetry or just some dude whining about a girl. Not everyone can be Bob Dylan, right?
But, to think, that Def Leppard’s own bandmate has no idea what this song is about…it’s just so awesome. Cause, really, it goes to show how little that kinda stuff matters in a hit song. While dudes are out here writing their hearts and souls out in musical formations , Def Leppard was like “Hey, let’s put words in an order that sounds cool but who give a fuck what it means?”.
i just googled the lyrics to this song and it’s literally like a game of madlibs.
Razzle ‘n’ a dazzle ‘n’ a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah, yeah
So c’mon, take a bottle, shake it up
Break the bubble, break it up

I mean…it’s about fucking…obviously. If I think for a moment, i would assume “pour some sugar on me” would mean “give me your sweet love” in the most caveman kinda way. But perhaps it’s deeper or more exact. perhaps it’s about a particular sexual act. An act where one dumps something on another person. In this case, the woman on the man. yes, this song is probably about a woman pissing and/or shitting on the chest of lead singer of Def Leppard. How about that? Look that shit up, Uberfacts! It makes so much sense though. Sure, to you and me, bodily fluids like piss and shit are far from sweet but, perhaps, the the advanced festishist , it’s sweet like…oh, i dunno, SUGAR?!?!!?
Think I’m crazy…what about this verse right here:
Listen, red light, yellow light, green-a-light go
Crazy little woman in a one man show
Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love
Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up (loosen up) loosen up

Whelp, mystery solved. I guess Uberfacts serve a purpose after all…