Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 8


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Uberfacts is a twitter handle that spouts all sorts of bullshit all day. Sometimes it’s truths, other times it’s highly questionable opinions disguised at truths. It’s all over the place. In this column, I like to focus in on certain tweets and discuss them at length. Sometimes to agree, other times to disagree and sometimes just to open a larger discussion up. It’s all fun for the whole family (minus your kids or parents). Take a ride with me down Uberfacts alley.

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Damn, Uberfacts out here exposing the dirty truth. Turns out Beethoven was a scum bag just like, oh i dunno, EVERY OTHER MUSICIAN EVER. That and he was lazy…JUST LIKE EVER OTHER MUSICIAN EVER.
I’m not quite sure how Uberfacts found this little tidbit out. I assume they’re just a bunch of dudes sitting around a table , eating cold pizza and spitballing ideas. One guy says something like “What up with Beethoven though?” then another guy, looking up from clearing the chamber in his bong coughs out “I know, right? Like…I bet he was all about the pussy…”. The Table laughs until one guy goes “Nah, like, i heard he hated giving Piano lessons cause, like, he only wanted to teach hot chicks…or really talented people”…and an uberfact is born.
Here’s the thing, he’s probably right. Artist are certainly like this. The saying “those who can’t, teach” exists for a reason cause those who can generally are far too in their own heads to be able to tell another person how to do the thing they do. A thing that, most likely, comes so easy to them they can’t even explain why they do it so well in the first place. It’s kinda like how Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant will never make a good coach. It’s simply not their strong points.
So, you take a guy like Beethoven. I’m assuming he’s a musical genius. I’d be lying if I said I sit around bumping his stuff but, you know, he’s fucking Beethoven. I’d be shocked if he even taught lessons in the first places but I guess artists have been needing a supplemental income since forever. Nice to see that’s been one constant in music. Of course Beethoven doesn’t wanna sit there with some 4 year old trying to do scales while snot drips out of his nose all over the keys. It takes a person with saint-like patience to do that kinda work. No, for Beethoven, he’s gonna need two things. Someone who’s a natural just like him…meaning he doesn’t really have to teach much OR a fine piece of ass that he can possibly seduce. Sure, she may not be able to play a lick but Beethoven can get his flirt on, adjust his powered wig and possible pop off that 9 layer corset by the end of the “class”. In a way, there’s something comforting to know that musicians have been this way since the beginning. Everyone except the Gregorian monks. Pretty sure they did it for the love. Shout out to them.

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I’m not one to research anything I write about cause it often gets ruined by “facts” and, trust me, i know one of you smug motherfuckers CAN’T wait to correct me in the comment section so, obviously, I’m talking out my ass here…but is there any way this service isn’t based in Japan? It just sounds so japanese.
So, uberfacts, you’re telling me there is dating site where strangers send their dirty shirts in and exchange them with other dirty shirts , in order for people to find their match? Word. Totally. Sounds practical. Like, how do they send shirts? There’s no way they do one at a time? And they must have to be sealed in an air tight packaging in order to preserve the funk. All logic aside, I do kinda get this cause there is something to be said about pheromones. That shit is real. Some people just have a draw on other people and we don’t really get to choose it. I’ve had many situations in life where I saw a girl i was incredibly attracted to, we start hanging out and , for some reason, the attraction just kinda fizzles. That magnetic pull wasn’t there. Meanwhile, I’ve had the same thing with “less” attractive girls when it’s like they sweat molly water or something and you can’t get enough. God forbid you meet the person who’s both attractive AND has that subtle fragrant pull on you…that’s how wars start or why people end up killing each other. Shit’s mad real.
So, Perhaps, this dating service, as gross and illogical as it sounds, is on to something. The concept of finding the scent first is interesting. That said, the level of backfiring it must have is probably ungodly but still, in a world where we’ve exhausted all angles of online dating, props to these people for trying something way out the box.

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I don’t have anything to really complain or rant about where this was concerned but I more just wanna spotlight it. How awesome is this? More than that, how is this not a movie yet? Hollywood is always looking for ways to give old ass actors a role that’s relevant and I see no movie more popping than this one. Let’s get them all…Michael Caine, patrick stewart, Sir Ian MCkellen , Robert Redford (is he still alive?), Gene hackman etc…this shit will pop off. It will be like “Grumpy old men” but an action thriller. Just make sure it’s not done by some hack director and I would watch the fuck out of this movie. You’re welcome hollywood.

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When “Pour some sugar on me” came out, i was a child in summer camp. It was HUGE. Everyone loved it. We all sang it, along with the other summer hit of that year “paul revere” by the beastie boys. I was at that age where I didn’t like music for real yet. So, if something played often enough, I was on board. But this joint? It was everything. Looking back, 30 years later…it just dawned on me that I have literally never given one second of thought to what the lyrics mean. This is partially cause I’ve always been a rap guy and , honestly, i’ve always assumed most pop rock music lyrics meant absolutely nothing. I still believe that. In general, they’re either bad high school poetry or just some dude whining about a girl. Not everyone can be Bob Dylan, right?
But, to think, that Def Leppard’s own bandmate has no idea what this song is about…it’s just so awesome. Cause, really, it goes to show how little that kinda stuff matters in a hit song. While dudes are out here writing their hearts and souls out in musical formations , Def Leppard was like “Hey, let’s put words in an order that sounds cool but who give a fuck what it means?”.
i just googled the lyrics to this song and it’s literally like a game of madlibs.
Razzle ‘n’ a dazzle ‘n’ a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah, yeah
So c’mon, take a bottle, shake it up
Break the bubble, break it up

I mean…it’s about fucking…obviously. If I think for a moment, i would assume “pour some sugar on me” would mean “give me your sweet love” in the most caveman kinda way. But perhaps it’s deeper or more exact. perhaps it’s about a particular sexual act. An act where one dumps something on another person. In this case, the woman on the man. yes, this song is probably about a woman pissing and/or shitting on the chest of lead singer of Def Leppard. How about that? Look that shit up, Uberfacts! It makes so much sense though. Sure, to you and me, bodily fluids like piss and shit are far from sweet but, perhaps, the the advanced festishist , it’s sweet like…oh, i dunno, SUGAR?!?!!?
Think I’m crazy…what about this verse right here:
Listen, red light, yellow light, green-a-light go
Crazy little woman in a one man show
Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love
Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up (loosen up) loosen up

Whelp, mystery solved. I guess Uberfacts serve a purpose after all…

One thought on “Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 8

  1. You realitate knocked it out of the parc with this scatofilia thing, but I throuroughly enjoyed reading this.keep it up

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