Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 50

Hi there. It’s time once again for your favorite/least favorite column, Fuck/Marry/Kill. you know the game. it’s dumb and played by morons across the globe. I’m no different. As always, i must preface this by saying it is not meant to be taken seriously whatsoever. I don’t actually think i could fuck, marry or kill any of these people/things/concepts. It’s for shits and giggles so, please, if you’re feeling like being outraged by something, do better. In a world full of injustices, this is not a worthy cause. Also, get out the house more, you fucking loser.
If you have any F/m/K options you’d like to submit, fire away. Leave them in the comment section below. Be creative cause this it’s the 50th volume. Not my first rodeo!

F/m/k- Rumer Willis, Mary Steenburgen, Kelly Osbourne

Marry: Mary Steenburgen
Gotta Marry Mary, bro.
She’s the pretty obvious choice to me. She’s aged incredibly well, seems like a cool lady and is not the other two. That’s about all it takes in this contest. There’s also the “old crush” factor as I’ve always thought she was cute from a young age so that kinda thing carries over. It’s really a cut and dry case.

Fuck: Rumer Willis
Sure, she kinda looks like an easter island statue or a white Rajon Rondo but, if Fuck/marry/kill is about anything, its about being blatantly shallow. Rumer willis has a really nice body. Sorry…she does. And, sometimes, that’s all you need when sex is the goal. Do girls do that? I feel like that’s a guy thing. Having sex with someone specifically cause you like their body. Like, i know I’ve heard girls talk about “butterfaces” before but do you guys actually go through with it just to get a hold of that bod? Like, would you have sex with Michael Phelps? Tough questions, i know. But these are the type of hard hitting realities that come up when you play a game as serious as “Fuck/marry/Kill”.

Kill:Kelly Osbourne
There is so much to disdain about her, this was an easy choice.
She seems like a total spoiled asshole. Entitled and mean. On top of that, she’s got one of those faces I just hate. Kinda…I dunno…downy. It’s not even her fault. There have been far more attractive famous people I’ve felt the same way about. There is just something about it that screams to me “naaahhhhhhh, b”. Like the opposite of pheromones.
I feel like many people might marry her in this equation just to sneak into that Ozzy Lineage but , personally, I don’t give a fuck about all that one bit. I’d much rather be a “willis/moore” and i don’t even wanna do that so, sadly, RIP Kelly.


Fuck: Basketball
This is a bastard of a choice but I have to be logical here. I love basketball. I need it in my life. Not even watching it but playing it. It’s one of my greatest joys. That said…I won’t die if i don’t play basketball. Nope, I’ll just get fat. Very very fat. I can’t imagine a world without it but, at the same time, how well am i gonna play if I never eat again? Probably not well. in fact, I’d die…soooooo…I guess I’m laying sweet James Naismith on his back and boning him anal missionary for one night of passion. Goddamn this whole thing!

Marry: Food
Aside from the obvious “I must eat to live” aspect of this…I love food. I look forward to eating constantly. When I finish a meal, even when I’m so full I wanna just explode like your man in “Monty Python’s meaning of life“, I’m still kinda thinking what my next meal will be. I generally know what food I’ll be eating all day, the second I wake up. Sufficed to say, food is on my mind all the time…and isn’t that how you want a marriage? Waking up with a person on your mind, going to sleep thinking about them. Sure, that sounds like obsession but love and obsession really share the same space. One is one of life’s joys and the other is creepy. Whether or not it’s requited is what decides that! So, if food will have me, I would be it’s forever and ever.

Kill: Porn
Man…I don’t wanna kill porn. I love porn. My brain is fried from years of watching it so the idea of using my…IMAGINATION when jerking off is not even really on the table. I feel like, once you get to a certain age, not only does that skill wane but you got too much on your plate. I can’t sit around in a pitch dark room conjuring fantasies without my mind meandering. All of a sudden, i’m thinking about my taxes or what my next meal is gonna be (shout out to food, y’all). So, yes, porn is very important to my process of busting nuts when alone. That said, there are other ways to bust nuts so it will never be as important as food or basketball to me. I suppose, if I had to kill porn, it would force me to be super pro active and look for sex more often which probably isn’t the worst thing on earth. Also, might be good for my mental state in general cause, you know, porn is pretty fucked up if you think about it. I’d rather not think about it though.

F/M/K Comedian edition:Sarah Silverman,Aubrey Plaza,Chelsea Handler

Kill: Chelsea handler
I actually like her show on “netflix” where she tackles taboo topics head on and she seems pretty cool but…I dunno…I appreciate her outlook on life in many ways but she’s seems like one of those people who’s sarcastic ALL the time. You know how that shit is…you can’t talk to people like that cause you feel like they’re never being genuine. On a shallow level, I’m also least attracted to her soooo, you know, there’s that too.I’m not typically a “blonde” guy. I mean, I like them but they’re never my first pick. Shallow, i know but it’s the name of the game, guys.
It’s funny cause, in reality I’d probably totally like her and have sex with her (and she’d never fuck me in a million years which is what’s so funny about this game) but this isn’t reality…it’s F/m/k…and this is not a place where reality matters.

Marry: Sarah Silverman
She’s my shit. She’s fucking hilarious. She hot. She’s cool. It’s funny cause the same thing I said about Handler being sarcastic could apply to Silverman but, for some reason, it doesn’t bother me. She also falls into “old crush” territory with me as well as another wheelhouse of mine which is east coast jew types. I grew up being into them and that has remained. They just feel like home.
From what i hear, Silverman has been a much sought after lady for her entire life. i’ve heard stories of dinner parties at her house where it’s was literally like a reality show where 15 bachelors vie for her attention. Makes sense. I’d be right up in that shit.

Fuck: Aubrey Plaza
you know, I think she’s very cute. She’s not my type at all. I don’t really go for the tall skinny hipster thing but there is something about her that grabs me. She just seems…I dunno…mean. Normally, that would repel me but I guess we all have our triggers and she gets me on some weird psychological level i can’t really explain. Perhaps he reminds me of a girl who would NEVER give me the time of day and that makes me want it more? Hard to say. Whatever the case, I even think the sex would probably be pretty bad. Like that “Owww…don’t move my leg there!” or “I don’t want your hand on my butt cheeks…it makes me feel weird” kinda sex that just deflates any excitement in the room. But, still, here we are…meanwhile, i bet sex with Chelsea handler would be super fun. Damn…Have i made a terrible mistake? Luckily, this is all make believe.

F/m/k:Madea, Mrs. Doubt fire and Tootsie

Fuck: Madea
See, I have this thing in “Fuck/marry/kill” where I don’t do male options cause they would all be a tie with how little i would want to have sex with them. The crafty motherfucker who submitted this option really found a loophole and , to that, i tip my hat. Well done, you fucking jerk.
Why would I fuck Madia? Man…i don’t fucking know. I guess, Madia looks the least haggard of the three? I’ve never seen a Madea movie but is she supposed to be an actual woman? Cause the other two are transvestites and it’s known so, at least in that level, I’d be having sex with a “woman”. Even if it is Tyler perry in a dress and terrible make up.

Marry: Tootsie
See, Tootsie is a throwback. When i grew up in the village, I saw transvestites all over the place. It was a common thing from a very young age. In the 80’s they looked like Tootsie. They were clearly men with bad dresses and terribly applied make up. Nowadays, the game has changed and they have stepped up on all fronts. I defy any straight man to walk around Christopher St. in the West village on a summer day and not get caught out there peeping a girl , then realizing “Oh snap, that’s a dude/Transexual”. It’s just a different ball game all together and props to them from tightening all that up.
So, why does all that equate to me marrying Tootsie? I think it’s for old times sake. I feel comfort in Tootsie. It would be like marrying the old NYC. And , you know, Dustin Hoffman is probably a pretty cool guy too.

Kill: Mrs. Doubtfire
I just don’t think i could handle that voice. Sure, there would be plusses to marrying her. She cooks! She Cleans! but this isn’t the 1950’s and i don’t care about all that. It’s extra. I genuinely don’t wanna wake up looking at some decrepit old transvestite who voice sounds like an air horn. I mean, shit, she wears the same thing EVERY FUCKING DAY. She looks like Mrs. butterworth. It’s just a no go for this one. RIP to her and Robin Williams, though.

2 thoughts on “Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 50

  1. SNL Edition: Rachel Dratch, Molly Shannon, Ana Gasteyer.

    Alt-Rock Bass Players Named Kim: Kim Deal, Kim Gordon, Kim Shattuck

    Most Respected First Ladies: Eleanor Roosevelt, Abigail Adams, Dolly Madison.

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