Preview reviews Vol. 13

Movies are great, right? I watch them all the time and get great joy from them. Hell, I’ve watched “Zodiac” like 5 times this month just cause it was on, and I’ve seen it like 45 times already. But, sometimes, movies are a let down. Well, let’s be honest. Most movies are a let down. Such is the way of the world with art , in general. There is just too much out there to waste 2 hours on when all you really need to do is watch the preview to understand exactly what you will be getting. That’s where I come in. I review the previews for you so you don’t even have to watch those either. I know you’re busy. So, instead of watching a two minute youtube clip, spend 4 minutes reading me rant about some shit I have no idea about. Makes sense, right? #logic


Hollywood loooooves to makes movies with young people about technology gone wrong. This is probably cause hollywood is full of both nerds who love technology and old people who are terrified of it. So, you know, if you write a script about some made up internet thing that turns out to be an evil empire that can only be toppled by two millennials , CHA-CHING!!!!
Watching this preview, it reminded me of when “Hackers” came out, minus the futuristic outfits (which have almost become a reality thanks to Russell Westbrook). It’s a glimpse into the not so distant future but also a paranoid idea of a world where trolling people becomes big business in the form of an online truth or dare game. Like, if they find themselves in deep shit…can’t they just stop? Surely this is covered in this movie (I’ll never find out) but it’s not like the internet got a gun to head of their mothers. Then again, if you’ve ever tried to cancel your facebook page, you know that removing yourself from a website can be a real nightmare. So, perhaps, there’s some truth to this.
More than anything, the idea that two 22 year olds would have the mind, heart and soul to overcome anything, let alone a huge corporation trying to ruin their lives cause “why not!?!” is the most comical thing to me. Like, these kids are too busy taking pictures of food, snapchatting their assholes to each other and writing shitty yelp reviews to truly ever figure out how to take down the illuminati. Am i selling millennials short? Sure. But it’s only to even the playing field cause hollywood got them being super heroes in the future/not future.

Now you see me 2

I’mma take this idea of reviewing previews one step further into peak generalization and not even watch this preview….and still review it. Yup…I have crossed over into a new plane of dismissiveness but, trust me , it’s for a purpose.
“Now you see me” , the original, was one of those movies I casually watched on cable. It started, I was home so I watched it. It was baffling how bad it was. Like…wow. A real “how did this movie get made?!!?” moment. But, like most shitty things, you watch it, shrug your shoulders and move on. I never checked to see if it was a success or if it was enjoyed by the people of rotten tomatoes. I just kinda assumed it did “ok” was panned by anyone with half a brain and that was that.
So, when i see they made a second one, I was shocked and had all sorts of questions. Why? How? What? Huh?
To remind you, the first one was about some bad ass magicians. I’ll stop right there cause that phrase , in itself, doesn’t make sense. I love Penn and Teller. They are much more than magicians, in my mind. But, “bad ass” isn’t exactly what comes to mind when I think of them. A guy like Cris Angel, who’s whole existence is spent trying to be the bad boy of pulling doves out his sleeve, is a dork with Dave navarro hair. Still not a bad ass. So, this movie having the balls to try and make that a thing would be like me making a movie about a group of bedroom producers who run a successful fight club, even though we all know beat makers are anti social shut ins with anxiety issues.
So, to make a SECOND one of these is just…I don’t know…incredible? Like someone wrote a script, it got picked up, actors were called. Sets were designed, locations were scouted (las vegas), craft services was used. All this happened so this movie could exist when I’m fairly certain the first one was enjoyed by only a handful of 14 year old boys and , perhaps, Cris Angel. But, hey, whatever works I suppose. For all i know, this will make 200 million dollars it’s first week…or, maybe, it will just disappear, like the title promises. Whatever the case, this movie is this summers “eh…I guess I’d see that…” last second option for anyone who went to a theater with no game plan/the thing they went to see is sold out.

Me Before you

Movies about disabled people are tricky. It’s like , due to the subject matter, you’re not allowed to have an opinion on the movie itself. It’s “brave” out the gate. The problem is, let’s be honest, most movies about disabled people are shmaltzy, pandering horseshit designed to make people cry. For every great movie about the topic (“My left foot” come to mind. That one about the parapalegic who has sex was good too), something like this comes alone. It’s like a typical terrible romance movie…but with a little twist! So, this super hot, down on her luck, lost in a life lady lands the job taking care of a disabled guy (cause no training is needed for that kind of thing) and he turns out to be a handsome and charming, yet paralyzed, billionnaire. But then, get this…she’s there to help him but then HE ends up TEACHING HER…about herself! Shut the front door!!! And wait…lemme guess…does he fall in love with her and learn to open his cold heart and see life in a more flowery way? It’s like rediscovering the wheel for the five millionth time!
Also, I feel bad for Emilia Clark cause she’s always gonna be Khaleesi no matter how many movies she makes. It’s the gift and curse of being on a wildly popular tv show. So, anyone who sees this is gonna be like “Oh yeah, the one where Khaleesi falls in love with a guy in a wheelchair?!?!”. That’s gotta burn.

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