Demo Reviews Vol 81

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Hi everyone. Time once again for Demo Reviews. A labor of love (and hate) I do for the people cause , apparently some of you care what i think.
I’m currently accepting submissions. If you’re interested in that Read THIS. It’s the rules and info of where to send the music.
Anyway, these reviews work like so: I listen to a song, write a paragraph or two on what I think, the arbitrarily rate the songs from 1-10 in these categories:
Production
Vocals
Listenability
Originality

That’s about it. Godspeed. This week has few joints I kinda liked so that, in itself, is a small victory. Don’t forget to vote for your favorite at the bottom.

Artist: Kenora
Song: No Prom


This is one of those demos I can see what they’re going for, hear the potential , but it just needs a little tightening of the screws. The Main issue being the mix and the vocal effects used. I realize the effects are done on purpose but it turns the vocals into a secondary thought that almost get grating at times when that reverb gets too airy. The production is pretty simple and fits the song. I don’t love the mix in general in this one but I feel like, with the right engineer, it could be turned into something pretty decent. It’s close to being ready to be in a commercial where someone is jumping into a pool in slow motion.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist:The Problem Child
Song: Audacity


The beat is almost dope but the held note style gets really grating. sounds like a phone off a hook. When the little switch up comes, it’s like a very satisfying moment that’s not used NEARLY enough. I’d actually so focus on that part more than the held note.
The rapping is fine. Didn’t jump out to me a great or bad really. Passably decent. It’s 2016. Lots of people can rap. I think what makes someone special is not sounding like anything else, which is not easy.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist:Dayleaux
Song: Afrodite (ft. Rey Morado)


The rapper kinda reminds me of one of the dudes from the Goodie Mobb. He’s got a southern gruffness to him that works for me. I can’t say, lyrically, he’s doing anything special but his presence is cool. The beat is dope. Nice loops, good change ups, dope vibe. I fucks with this.
Production:6 out of 10
Vocals:6 out of 10
Listenability:6.5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Lamon Manuel
Song: Even the King wants to kill the King

This is a bit dissonant for me but I get what it’s going for. So, while I don’t personally like the beat, it’s a success for what it’s aiming to be.
The rapper is interesting. He’s on some shit and I honestly would need a few listens to really get what he’s saying but that’s a good thing. I don’t love his voice but it’s not bad at all. Basically, this isn’t something I’d bump but it’s a well executed song that’s more about personal preference.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:5.5. out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:5.5 out of 10

Artist: BRKCHK
Song: Moving Forward


This sounds like music you could score a movie with but nothing I’d ever play on its own. I don’t understand the functionality of music like this outside of “being in a movie”. So it’s a success in that , well, that’s how a person can make a lot of money but it’s hard to imagine someone just walking around bumping this.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Biological Sons
Song: Adele dazeem


The beat is okay. It’s fitting for the mood. Nothing too interesting but fine.
The lyrics are kinda corny and is this really a diss song based around John Travolta fucking up a name at that awards shows? Like…why? The rapping is pretty amateur , the punchlines feel forced but, really, i’m just scratching my head as to why one would make an entire song about this topic. Like, 4 bars? sure. 8 bars? Why not? But two entire verses of Travolta references? It’s just…odd.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist:Vix Wasty
Song: Way too far


White millennial rap. This is not for me. Not to say it’s bad but it’s so clearly pandering and derivative of pretty much all popular rap music right now it’s hard to sit through it and new feel that. even the outfits they rock in the video feel highly thought out. But, like I said, it’s not bad…but, as an old rap head, I don’t even know what to do with this. The beat and rhymes are…fine. Very swaggy. Very effortless in that “I don’t care man, I’m just gonna rap some shit” kinda way. At the very least, I’m sure these guys get lots of pussy for doing this so good on them.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist:Franco
Song: What’s the 411


This is pretty unrefined but I kinda like the vibe of it. The rapper is seemingly so high he can barely get the words out of his mouth but it sounds cool. His voice is dope too. The lower pitched vocals are a bit over done and unnecessary at this point.
The beat is understated and simply there as a good background for the rapper. I kinda like this and I don’t really know why.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:6 out of 10
Listenability:6 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

What do you think?

Answers for Questions Vol. 296

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What’s up everyone? How’s life? Great.
This is, of course, Answers for questions. You ask me stuff, i answer. I need questions though…that’s where you come in. please send me questions about ANYTHING to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Also, I’m accepting “Ask Dr. Tony” Questions as well , if you’re having life problems.
This weeks batch starts out interestingly as I basically am asked to make up a story on some “creative writing 101” shit…but it was fun. So, feel free to ask me those kind of things as well. Why not?

After a night of extremely heavy drinking, you awake to find yourself in the back of cement truck, wearing clogs and dungarees. The King of Sweden has passed out next to you, there are grapes all over the floor and, in the distance, a village is on fire. How did it happen?
The night started out like any other. I was passing through Stolkholm , on my way back from some tour dates. Having a day off, I was roaming aimlessly around the city. Bored, I sheepishly enter a bar and have a seat. Some Soccer is on TV and the place is pretty riled up. I don’t give a fuck about soccer but some dude next to me really does and keeps buying everyone drinks. I am no exception. As the night progresses, I talk more to this man and learn he is the “King of Sweden”. Well, that’s what he says. He’s actually just a really drunk Swede who loves company. Nice enough guy and everyone seems to know him well enough. They call him “Kung”. After a few hours, I am properly wrecked. The whole bar is. I guess some local Soccer team won something or whatever but the party does not stop here. Along with a group of about 20 people, we all leave the bar and head to our second destination. We hop in various cars. Weird cars. Some are sports cars, some look like they belong to the city. Threre’s even a tractor and a garbage truck…an american garbage truck at that but I was too drunk to ask any questions.
We drive for what seems like hours (it was probably like 30 minutes) and pull into a grape orchard. I didn’t even realize that could exist near Stolkholm but I guess it does. Everyone takes their shoes off and runs towards a small wooden shack in the middle of the orchard. Keep in mind, I don’t speak swedish so I’m just kinda blindly following whatever these lunatics are doing. With my shoes in hand, I get to the shack and am handed some clogs. “Des, a fur stompin!” says the woman who gives them to me. “Also, you might to take off your pants! it get messy!” she said in broken english. So, I take off my pants, put on the clogs and enter the shack. Inside, there’s a huge vat of grapes. We are hear to stomp on grapes…doesn’t seem sanitary but, hey, the fuck if I know how wine is made. Everyone dumps into the vat and just starts stomping around. It’s actually a pretty fun drunken activity. Everyone seems to really be enjoying themselves. I notice that, as this goes on, the act is getting more and more aggressive. As if this is more of a mosh pit. I see people start to throw one another down. All of a sudden , in my drunk stupor, I realize this isn’t some normal grape stomping party. No…this is a battle royale. At that moment. a small blonde man jumps on my back and tries to take me down. he’s small enough that I just flip him over my shoulder. I see as he falls into the pit, a collage of feet, stomping away at his petite frame like so many grapes. It’s then when I get scared and realize I must make an exit. Doing my best Beastmode impression, I lower my shoulders and plow through a sea of drunken swedes. I get to the edge of the vat and barrel roll over the side. It’s only like a 5 foot drop so I land safely enough. Partially cause I land on a pile of passed out bodies. Are they dead? I don’t really know. Not trying to find out. The action in the vat is such that I am able to sneak out the cabin unnoticed…but here I am…Alone in a swedish wine vineyard with no pants. I look in the distance and see a few of the people ambling towards the garbage truck. I figure they might be my only way out of there. Right then, I notice a pile of pants outside the door. I can’t find mine but I find some really awkward dungarees that don’t really fit me, but fuck it…they will have to do. I stiffly run towards the garbage truck, clogs kicking up dirt as I go. The two guys are now in the front seat and the garbage truck is pulling off. I make it just in time to hope in the back without being noticed. As I jump in, I crack my head on the side on some big metal part of the truck. I pass out.
I don’t know how long I’ve been out but, when I awaken, I’m sitting there, in clogs and dungarees. Grapes everywhere. I look in the distance and the entire vineyard is ablaze. I turn my head and see “The king of Sweden” , laying there with a little smirk on his face, eyes half shut in that “still drunk” kinda way.. I ask “What the fuck just happened!?!?” and he looks at me and says “Soccer, man”.
The end.

i like to think of myself as a highly functional stoner. what do you suppose the odds are i’m bullshitting myself?
I’ve definitely met many high functioning stoners so it’s not totally impossible. i do think the average stoner who thinks that doesn’t realize what being functional can truly be like but, yeah, you got a chance. I’d say, if you can read a book, make reservations or do your work while high AND be effective, you’re good at being high. Congrats. But if being a functional stoner means not forgetting to pick your kid up from school, might be time to reevaluate your life.

are you able to keep houseplants alive? do you keep any houseplants?
I have never tried but I’d imagine , if I wanted to, I would be very good at that. I’m one of those people who, if I get a regiment, I stick to it. So, if watering a plant became something I did every day, then I’d do it. That said, I travel way too much for that to work and I never wanna be a person who asks another person “Hey man, can you water my plants while I’m gone?”.

from your travels, what do you suppose the best alternative to nyc is for a person who wants to live cheap? if you ever had money troubles, would you move out of nyc? where would you go?

I mean…there isn’t anywhere like NYC that’s cheap. It wouldn’t be cheap cause everyone would wanna live there.
I guess somewhere like Toronto would be my first choice. It’s not cheap but, compared to NYC it is. It’s a fun city.
Or maybe , if you want that old NYC feel, Philly. Again, not the same as NYC at all but it’s an east coast city with flavor and history. Can’t say I’d ever wanna live there but it’s at least nearby and not Boston.
If I came into money problems and couldn’t afford NYC, I really don’t know what I’d do. San Francisco would be my second choice but that’s as, if not more, expensive as NYC. Honestly, I’m thinking it won’t be an issue cause I own my apartment. Worst case, I can live here for cheap, forever. Maybe even rent it out for a profit, and live off that.

what do you do when you get really fucking bored at home?
I bask in boredom. I spend the bulk of most of my days at home, bored and I love it. I watch tv, I watch movies, I play video games, I eat, I eat more, I look at the internet. I’m very content doing nothing. Honestly, it’s when I’m bored that I make the most music too. So, it kinda works itself out. To me, boredom at home isn’t a bad thing…cause it results in me doing things I love doing anyway.

When you were a kid, do you remember the first music you heard that you loved? When did you first hear rap?


The first song I recall ever hearing that i loved was “Eye of the tiger” by survivor. I was in Maine with my family (my dad taught at an art school up there for the summer) and it came on the radio and I distinctly recall freaking out over it and singing it over and over again. That and the theme to “The greatest american hero” are my earliest memories of music.
The first time i heard rap was not long after that, maybe two years…when the movie “Beat Street” came out. i was about 8 years old. I made my mom take me to it (and she did, which still blows my mind to this day). The Santa rap was the first I ever heard and I was obsessed the second I saw it.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 55

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Ohhh yeahhh…it’s about that time again. The Doctor is innnnnn.
I’m not a licensed anything but I do give you honest and fair advice from a perspective you can’t find anywhere else: A stranger who doesn’t give a shit about coddling your feelings. Some call it, keeping it 100. in my day, it was just called keeping it real.
Also, I ALWAYS NEED MORE QUESTIONS. if you’re having trouble in your love life, life in general or what ever, don’t be shy. Ask me for help and I will do my best to deliver. It’s anonymous and , hey, what’s the worst thing that could happen? It’s not like your dumb friends are gonna give you better advice.
send me all questions or the heart to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. I’m here to help…as well as create content for this very blog. it’s a win-win, brah.

Block, I need your advice and I need your input. Before I get into it…I want to say that I’m a pretty emotionless guy, I don’t let things bother me and I’m very easy going. ( she has said before that I need to show more emotion)

Okay here it goes…

I was dating a girl for 1.5 years I’m 29 she’s 22. I broke it off in March. The first 7-8 months were great. I bought a house 5 months into the relationship and decided to tackle the house myself and redo it myself. She lived with her mom. Anyways, I’m slow at redoing everything( hardwood floors, kitchen, bathroom Etc) so we would get into little fights We would constantly fight about little shit.

I would get so frustrated with our fights I would feel like I was just spinning my wheels in the mud. I could feel my blood pressure going up. (I think about it now I would try to piss her off at times which was stupid) She had a hard time at home. Her brother didn’t do shit and doesn’t have a job and lives off her mom. She would fight with her brother all the time. She would take her frustration out on me. It got to the point where I just couldn’t handle it. So I broke it off, I broke it off because when it got down to it it just became to much for me.

Couple days went by and I was relieved until I realized I made a huge mistake by leaving her when she needed me the most. so i made the effort to get her back. I got her back…things were the same…little fights here and there. We dated for about a month or two longer. Then she broke down and decided that she needed a break. She couldn’t handle all the things going on in her life at the movement. Always fighting with her brother, her horse got cancer, she was going to school full time and working full time. Anyways…I said okay let’s take a break then.

I was okay, we hung out 2 times since then…I saw her horse with her…and I went to her sisters college grad to take photos for her. She told me about two weeks after the break that she wants to be happy and that she wants to date. I didn’t really think of anything and of course I was saying of course I want you to be happy.

I decided to jump on tinder for the rush of meeting someone new I was honestly not hurt at the 2nd time she broke it off I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. So I hooked up with 2 girls. (Bad idea) Then it hit me…I realized I made a huge mistake by letting her go. It started last week…when she said still wants me as a friend and she still loves me…but she is starting to become official with a new guy. But she tells me she still wants me as a friend. So I said lets hang out Friday 5/13/16 and I can check out her new apartment(they bought a new apt last week) with her sister and give her sister the graduation photos.

I show up Friday with flowers and I made a short video of our go pro footage from our trips while we were together. She loved it, I made her a wood sign that said her cats name with a cut out of a cat. Anyways, being with her Friday made me really miss everything. Laying on her bed together watching tv I tried to massage her back but she said I can’t do that and that ship said a long time ago. So I said okay.

I asked her sister what was going on she told me

‘To me…personally, I think she rushed it with this guy, he gives me bad vibes and she filled a broken heart with an easy fix. Who knows if she will be with him for a week or a year but that’s something she will have to figure out for herself. If you love her I wouldn’t let her go, but I also wouldn’t just keep trying. The best thing for both of you is to keep living your life: meaning date other people, hang out with friends, etc. but at the end of the day you two are still friends. It’s a good thing that you guys can remain friends and possibly become something again one day.’

I can’t tell you how much this hurts block…this weekend has been absolute hell…I can’t eat or sleep. It’s 5:30 am as I am writing this. I’ve been trying to stay busy this weekend but I break down. I’m a mess and completely broken. I’ve broke down and texted her and called her but she says that she is over it and that she has moved on but she still loves me. She loves me but she has moved on. She said she’s always there for me and wants to still be friends.

What do I do block? Do I continue to be her friend and fight the constant pain of her being with another guy? While hoping by being her friend and being there for her the future we might get back together?

Or do I just cut ties with her and delete her from my life and try to recover with her out of it. If I do this I feel like I’m giving up and not being there for her.

I haven’t been eating and I can’t sleep. Any advice and info would be much appreciate. I thank you for taking the time out of your day as well to help me.

Well, first off, this letter could have been two paragraphs long. Just saying. Secondly, this is a break up. This shit happens. Because you’re not the one pulling the strings it’s hurting you more at the moment. It sounds to me like you got a case of the old “The grass is greener” , once you were single. You missed her cause you cared about her but , perhaps, you also missed the idea of her more than the reality. That’s so common in these situations. Especially when the other person moves on. And when that other person moves on and you’re still in the same place, it’s even harder.
What you’re going through is a mixture or genuine sadness and ego. It’s the worst but , trust me, it will pass. However, in order for you to do that, you can’t “be friends” with her. Not now. Perhaps down the line but you clearly can’t handle that shit right now. Dude, You’re out here trying to give backrubs. Would you do that to your male buddy? NOPE. The balance is all off kilter between you two, she’s seemingly moved on and you’re still pining for her. it’s not gonna work. I’m not a believer in people deleting each other from their lives like it’s some sort of hissy fit but backing away is 100% needed here. Don’t call her. If she hits you up, be curt. She says she wants to be friends with you but , even if she really does, I can’t help but think she’s saying that to be nice and soften the blow. If she’s with a new guy, her problems are now his. He’s inherited those from you so, in a way, you can bask in that release.
Also, much like how she did to you, perhaps if you backed away and no longer was there for her whenever she needed you, she might start missing you or remembering what you bought to the table. Or not. You never know. The fact is YOU have no control over how or what she feels. I should also add that she’s 22. She’s young as fuck and putting all your eggs in that basket as you near 30 seems doomed regardless.
The thing about getting dumped is that it’s not your choice. All you can do is deal with it the best you can. It’s gonna hurt. But that shit fades. And all you’re feeling is emotional pain. It’s not like you had a kid together or lived together. on the break up scale, what you went through is pretty minor. So, be sad but keep it moving. You’re allowing yourself to be haunted by a ghost and there’s no point in that.

Here’s the situation:
Facts
– 30 year old boy, 34 year old girl. Met on Tinder.
– Girl LTR minded.
– Epic first date.. Hike, drinks, dinner, crafts,sex. Followed by a whole weekend of hanging out.
– Followed by another week of awesome dates.
– Followed by a discussion in which Boy says he’s super into the girl but now he’s confused, bc he wasn’t LTR minded and was just about to embark on a slut phase and now she’s thrown that off.

Question: what’s best for girl to do?
Her instinct is to say.. Go slut it up and call me when you’re done. Boy suggested they carry on hanging out but not be exclusive. Is it better for her to stay around so she’s present in his mind?
Or to save her sanity, bail, and see if he comes back around when he realizes everyone else sucks.
P.S. He’s also terrible in bed and has a tiny penis

Now THIS is how you write a question. So succinct. Thank you for this.

This is 100% a bail situation. If a girl is in a LTR mindset, she can be fooled to put up with a lot of things, with the faint hopes of MAYBE things working out. The fact this dude is openly telling her “I’m not ready for that but can we still fuck?” is exactly what she doesn’t want.
Listen, a good date and week with a person is one thing. I realize some people rarely have good dates but , i dunno…it’s not that hard to get along with someone for a few days. LTR minded people tend to read that as kismet and then they focus on that “connection” like it’s sent from heaven. When, really, this guy was probably just on point for a week, acting like “early dating good guy” and the girl bought it. If he’s really bout that slut life, he’s on tinder, starting to collect a rotation of women. That’s how that works. You get on tinder, go on dates, be charming and fun , then have sex. The problem there is that, unless the girl is on the same page, it can be confusing as fuck. Now,i give the guy credit cause he’s not lying to her. His straight up-ness makes me believe that he’s not a fuck boy about this kinda thing. He’s basically giving her the options: We can part amicably cause we’re not on the same page OR we can keep fucking. In the girls head, “we can keep fucking” is a glimmer of hope but…it’s not. She’s just gonna be a girl on his roster hoping the other shoe drops and he’s just gonna be having his cake and eating it too. And if she’s the type who get’s jealous or possessive of men, she’s just asking to be driven crazy by the entire set up.
So, yeah…bail. If he had a dick she liked and the sex was good, I’d at least understand that it might keep her around a bit but if the sex and dick are trash? what is the point of having a purely sexual relationship? One that she doesn’t even want! Bail. BAIILLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

My boyfriend keeps making comments about my weight and it is beginning to bother me..

I am a 28 year old woman and have a slender figure. I have a little junk in the trunk and not much happening in front… basically, I have room for improvement if I want to gain weight. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 years and we have been living together for almost 2. Everything has been going well and I can’t complain. But lately he’s been saying I could use a little more weight and he would be more attracted to me if I gained some. My response to this has been “oh sure I’ll do that” because I honestly do want to put on a few more pounds, but it’ll be a long process and I can’t help but be bothered by him saying me gaining weight will make me more attractive to him. I’ve basically looked the same since we first started dating, so I’m not sure why he suddenly wants my body to look a certain way. I am actually very sensitive about my weight and have a fear of being too thin, but no one (besides my grandma) has ever commented on my weight like that. It is starting to get to me and it is actually kind of hard for me to gain weight which I am trying to do. I haven’t exactly given him pushback because it’s not like he says these things every day, but comments like “ohhhh there’s something happening back there, it’s getting there, I’m starting to get more attracted to you” are getting under my skin. Am I putting too much thought into this or do I have a reason to feel upset?

This is a two sided thing. Yes, you 100% have a reason to be upset. Anytime someone is picking at your physical appearance, it’s rude. The fact he wants you to gain weight is an interesting wrinkle in this cause…usually, it’s the other way around. I wish i had your problem! But, yeah, being told to look differently by the person you’re dating, even though you’ve looked the same the whole time can definitely be a mind fuck. Have you ever tried speaking honestly about it with him? Be like “You know gaining weight isn’t easy for me, right?”. Just opening that convo in a simple manner would at least make him reconsider bringing it up in the future.
The other side to this is that you guys have been together for 4 years and lived together for 2. It’s only natural that you guys start to nitpick about shit cause, well, that’s a long time and it’s easy to get in a relationship rut when you’ve lived with someone for a few years. Longterm relationships aren’t easy or natural. It’s work. He might be totally happy in the relationship but maybe the “desire” is beginning to wane? It’s possible. It happens. Maybe he thinks more weight could turn that around? It’s hard to say. It’s also not fair to you. But, like i said, these things happen in long relationships. And they either get worse or they get a second wind.
So, really, there’s not much you can do outside of address the problem head on. otherwise, it’s just gonna eat at you and annoy you more and more every time he brings it up, building resentment and fucking with your insecurity. Hell, you could sit around eating cheesecake all day, gain 60 pounds and then he’s probably be kicking himself. Or you could be like “I hear you boo but i wish you’re dick was bigger…” or something to that effect. That’s the passive aggressive angle that no one likes but, hey, it does serve it’s purpose. All that said, I’d go with option A. you’re adults and you care about each other. Talk it out.

Check out this new Baby Dayliner Song produced my meeeee

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Baby Dayliner is a singer/songwriter/producer from NYC that’s been doing innovative shit for the last 15 plus years. He’s also mixed a few of my albums and played live instruments on them as well. He’s put out two amazing solo albums on Brassland records and it gearing up to drop some new music onto the world after some time off.
The first taste is a two sided ep shared with artist Fusilier. Dayliner has two songs. One is a song he never properly released called “You push I’ll go” . It’s been around for a while and is a personal favorite of mine. The new song “Don’t ghost me” is over one of my beats and it’s about the uncertainty of online dating. Something many of us can relate to, no doubt. Check it out and also look back into his older catalogue. You might not realize but some of your favorite rappers listen to this dude on the regular.

You can order the EP here:
http://www.turntablekitchen.com/2016/06/tk057-baby-dayliner-x-fusilier/

Answers for Questions vol. 295

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Hi there. First off, congrats to the Cleveland Cavs for pulling off that incredible comeback. I’m sure many of you don’t care about sports but, as a basketball guy, that shit was amazing to watch. My condolences to all my bay area fam and friends…but you guys sucked the last three games.
Anywayyyy, this is Answers for Questions! you ask! I answer! I’m always in need of new questions so how bout you put your thinking cap on and send me some? Send questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave the questions in the comment section below. Be creative and be weird. It makes it better for both of us. Let’s see what we got going this week…

How old were you when you used the internet for the first time and which sites do you remember visiting?

I first used the internet when I was 17. I was a freshman in college and , prior to that, didn’t have a computer in my house. I remember getting my first email address and the only other people who had email addresses that I knew were other college students. Funny enough, I still sent letters to people. Like, literal handwritten letters. So, clearly, email wasn’t a big thing at that point.
As for sites, I didn’t really look too far. It was so early there was no word of mouth on what there was out there so I didn’t look. Like, even porn would have been difficult. It was also only dial up and anything with a picture took forever to load. I would frequent newsgroups/chat rooms and mostly I was up in hip hop related things. Alt.music.rap was the first thing I ever got really involved in and that later changed to rec.music.hip.hop ,which was a small community of like minded hip hop nerds who would trade tapes and talk about music. I was a pretty big part of that for a while. It was also where I sold Aesop’s first album. Like THAT one place was the beginning of how word spread outside of NYC on the internet about Aesop.

Could you, nay, will you make an EP of a handful of songs made with samples of cereal commercial jingles of the late 80s/early 90s? Don’t do it for you. Do it for us!
I mean, I’m sure I could. Problem is I don’t have any of those songs and I’m not so intrigued by the idea that I’mmma go seek them out. But, if someone wants to compile a bunch for me, I’d consider it.


Have you ever publicly gone through your process of creating a tune in depth (à la Song Exploder podcast)? Most straightforwardly I wonder where you find some of the samples – I guess just listening to everything ever recorded. But I also just wonder about your process of putting the beats and instrumentals and everything together. It seems like most songs have some verses with the same tune and a chorus sprinkled in a few times, but your stuff follows an arc. Do you have any idea where a track is going from the start, or do you just kind of follow the inspiration?

I’ve explained my process on here a few times but I’ve never broken it down in an interview. It’s a long process though so that would take a while. I can short hand it here though.
I make a bunch of beats. I don’t sit down and make songs off the bat. I more just try and accumulate as many beats as I can. The process of how I make those beats is basically me sitting down going through songs to sample. I have an organized catalogue of samples on my computer. They’re organized by instrument(s) so i can scroll through that play list and be like “hmm…I need a guitar here…let’s see what i have”. It’s all very trial and error. I tend to start with a sample that I just build off of. I might throw some percussion in there early but i generally do the drums last. After the main loops, after the bassline and after the additional layered samples. My finished beats tend to have many parts. Changes and all that. To be honest, they could mostly stand on their own as songs if I wanted them to but I try to expand beyond that one beat when making full songs.
So, once I’ve made a bunch of beats, various things can happen to them. A rapper might use them. i might make a remix with them. If i’m feeling like it’s time to make an album, then I collect all the beats I have that I could see working as a stand alone track and arrange them by BPM. The idea here is to find 2 or 3 beats that are close in bpm , work together tonally and make sense in how the mood strikes. That’s more trial and error. Some things work and some don’t. Once I’ve gotten 12-15 groups of tracks that could potentially work together, I start to pair them up. i see what parts of those separate beats work. Scrap some parts, maybe add something that’s missing. This is the beginning of a song for me. I just amass as much content per song as I can then start stripping away the unneeded parts. Once that’s done, it becomes an equation. How do I take these different beats and blend them together to make one song. I pretty much have to map out where the song will start, the middle and the end. I want that to move as fluidly as possible and, in a way, tell a story. At least on my last 3 albums, that’s been how i work on solo stuff. Earlier, i used a more predictable style of “verse/chorus/verse/chorus” with my songs. Music by Cavelight and downtown science were FAR more simplistic albums in every way. But from “The music scene” and on…this has been how I go about it. I can’t say I know exactly how a track is going to start or end when I begin it but I have an idea of how I want it to flow. But, in general, after the initial beats are made, my process is all about arranging and utilizing all the parts the best way I see fit.

BH, what is the most glorious part of being single again and having your place all to yourself?

Well..having my place to myself is amazing. As someone who thrives at “just chilling” it’s been wonderful. Another part is just the general freedom. Not having to have responsibilities outside your own is incredible. I realize this is totally selfish and I’m way too old to live like that but, fuck it, it’s my life. If you reach a point in your life where you find yourself doing things you’d rather not do, unless those things pay your bills, what’s the point? You’re gonna die one day and be like “Man…I wasted a lot of time on bullshit…”.
This is in no way disrespect to my ex, she’s great and we’re still friends, I’m speaking far more generally. Waking up and not having to worry about anyone but yourself is a very calming feelings. Cause, then, when you do have personal problems, you can focus in on them easily. Basically, the bachelor life is a selfish one but unless you’re really bout that coupled up life, it’s not a bad way to be.

Are you a fan of Record Store Day? Have you ever participated as a patron or an artist?

I think the idea is cool and it’s definitely fun that all those artists make special records for that day. Personally, I’ve never participated in either way. I’m not a big record collector anymore (as far as i was aware, this didn’t exist when i used to buy lots of records) so i don’t really pay it much mind. I also don’t have the hook up where i can just quickly press up a few hundred 7″ records out of nowhere. That takes time and organization. But, hey, who knows? Maybe one day.

You know those (creepy/extreme) pop-up ads that appear when you’re watching porn? Are you able to fully ignore them or do they ever turn you off what you’re streaming at that moment?

Dude…those fucking things are the worst. There’s a granny porn one that ruins my fucking day every time I see it. I can’t say they turn me off so much that I stop what I’m doing (I’m a man who finishes what i start) but they more just briefly wash me over with a feeling of disgust that goes away quickly. The worst ones are the dick growth pill ads cause you’re just literally looking at a pic of a meaty dong and nothing else. But, yeah, the people who make those ads and pop ups in general are terrible human beings.

Pick a song, Any song!

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Every now and then I like to test the temperature of what you guys are feelings out there. I randomly collect 8 songs I’m fucking with and see what you like best…via the power of voting. Yes, it’s a democracy up in this bitch.
So, without saying anything about the songs or trying to sway your votes with my opinions, i present your options.
All I ask is that you give every song a chance and don’t vote based on a name or cause you assume what you may or may not like the best and don’t even need to check the rest. Also, you may vote for more than one song. Have at it…
Danny Brown-When it Rain

Ugly Frank- Bum Liquor

Bodega Bams-All Eyez off me

Your Old Droog- White rappers

Subcontractors- Throwaway Pistols

DJ JS 1 Feat Breeze Bruin, Homeboy Sandman and Kyle raps- 110 percent

Clams Casino Ft. Vince Staples- All Nite

Marv won-Monkey Business

The black cloud people

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Bear with me here cause this all connects in a very loose manner.
I was on a plane the other day , earbuds plugged in, ready to watch two free episodes of “Blackish” cause, well, that’s what was available. The plane was seemingly boarded and I had the whole aisle to myself. Sufficed to say, I was psyched about that. Out of nowhere, 5 more people bustled onto the plane , two of whom plopped down next to me. They were a young couple. At first glance, I’d say they were ,at most, 22 years old. I paid them little mind as I was invested in Blackish at this point and, also, I’m not a chatty traveler. The couple however, did not subscribe to the same game plan. Within moments of fastening his seatbelt, the guy (who was sitting next to me) turned to me as if it was his job and asked “So, you from Dallas?” (I was flying from Dallas to Austin). I removed my ear buds and asked “beg your pardon?”. He repeated his question and I said “nope, just traveling through”. In general, i try and not get into why I’m on planes (I’m doing shows 99% of the time) much cause then it becomes that awful game of “Have you heard of me?” with a stranger who has most certainly not heard of me. I always say “I’m just here visiting friends”. Insistent on continuing this convo (something I noticed a GREAT deal of people do while traveling in the southwest. You motherfuckers LOVE some small talk), he then asked me “So, what do you do?”. This is yet another question I dance around for the same reasons I don’t like telling people I’m in town to play a show. It always ends up with me having to half-assedly describe what kind of music I make to someone who doesn’t really give a shit either way. So, i opt to say “I’m a DJ”. Which is funny…cause I’m not a DJ at all. But , for some reason, it at least relieves the questions of “What kind of music do you make?” and the dreaded “What instrument do you play?!!?”. But this kid kept digging so we eventually told him the truth, he wrote “Blockhead” down in his Iphone notes with promises of checking me out (to be honest, I believe he actually will) and pushed ahead with the discussion. He informed me that he was working his first real job now and how exciting it was. He spoke of how his office was so funny cause he worked with a mormon, a catholic and a jew! He also dropped in that he was a baptist and that his dad was a preacher. He dropped that in various times in the conversation, in fact. The girl with him ,who I later learned was his new wife, was chiming in here and there but he was driving the conversation. They even mentioned going to Turkey recently and how it was weird cause everyone there looked like a terrorist. Cool! Somehow, politics came into it and , man, there is nothing I wanna do less than talk politics while flying through the air, strapped into a seat I can’t jump out of. Add on I’m talking to a 22 year old texas baptist and his child bride and it’s like X10000000. He starts going on about Rand Paul and hillary Clinton and all this horseshit I don’t care about. Was he right? i don’t even know. I don’t follow politics. From the conversation, i learned they were both conservative libertarians. I also, gathered they were both a little racist and definitely weird about sexual politics as well. The think Black people and jews are fine but they’d be pretty bummed if their kid married one.
Like, they probably support gay rights but also wouldn’t wanna share a bathroom with one.

Now, here’s the thing…i say all that to say this…
I’m a patient person. I’m also a person who avoids conflict. Sure, i could have made this interaction awkward a number of times. The fact this kid was just blurting out all the crap at me , assuming I was gonna ride with it was actually pretty confounding to me. He knew I was a liberal yankee. But regardless, i took the high road…or the cowards road, Depending how you look at it. The way i see it, me arguing on a plane with a 22 year old baptist kid isn’t helping anyone. Not me. Not them. Not the people sitting around us. Sometimes, you just gotta let shit go. Especially when it’s some harmless yet completely oppositional lifestyle type thing. These two went to church their whole life, They probably had sex for the first time AFTER they got married. The were raised to believe in certain things that couldn’t be farther from my reality. But, hey, good for them. That’s why they’re who they are and I am who i am. So, like i do in most social interaction, I opted to keep it light and friendly. It would eventually end and my life would go on unscathed.

This interaction got me thinking about two very specific types of people. People with bad luck and people who SEEMINGLY walk under black cloud. One type just seems to have negativity follow them where ever they go. Not cause they bring it upon themselves but cause , for some reason, life hates them. People who have friends dying around them all the time. People who get their houses broken into. People who , inexplicably , just seem like they eat shit all the time. Life just seems like an endless string of misfortune and there truly isn’t an explanation for it. I’m sure my baptist friends would bring god into this but I’m prone to think these types of people just are given a raw deal in life for no reason. They’re good people. They’re kind people. They are people who, if in the same situation as me on that plane, would’ve reacted just like me and their life would simply continue once they got off that plane. Shitty as that life may be at times, it wouldn’t be disrupted by a harmless , if not annoying, chance interaction with some kids on the plane. Those are the bad luck people.

The black cloud people…well…that’s a different story. Black cloud people are those who THINK they’re unlucky but are, in fact, assholes who control their own destiny and choose wrong ALL THE TIME. They are entitled. They have chips on their shoulders. Maybe it’s due to pride. Maybe it’s just the have bad reactions. Maybe it’s cause they’re unaware of their own temper. Whatever it is, it makes their life a series of “unexplainable” mishaps that lead to problems…constantly. ” Oh man, I dunno why but me and this dude got into a screaming match on line at the bagel shop. Second time this week!”
Well…i wasn’t there…but I could venture a guess that whatever happened was AT LEAST 80% your fault. AT LEAST. Cause, as we know , normal sane people don’t get into screaming matches at bagel shops. No, the Black cloud people roam the earth in a smelly dust bowl like Pig pen from Charlie brown, wondering why everyone is out to get them. Not realizing that pig pen just needs to take a fucking shower.

In the situation i was in on that plane…had i been a Black cloud type…I would imagine it would have ended in yelling and possible interaction with a air marshall. If i was that black cloud person, I’d later tell all my friends about these two assholes I met on a plane who started with me about politics and how I let them have it. i would be proud of this. Probably cause, as a black cloud person, I am guided by my own pride. My big , dumb, cunty pride. It’s funny how that word can mean both such good things and bad things. There are so many things an individual can be proud of. But your ego is no one of them.
So, if you’re reading this and feel like you are “bad luck” kinda person, ask yourself this…do other people close to you get in arguments and fights with strangers on a regular basis or is it just you? Do you constantly feel slighted by everyday things that most people don’t even react to? Do you ever feel like a situation could have been avoided if you just simply didn’t say what was on your mind? If the answer is yes or even maybe to either of those questions, guess what? I got great news for you. YOU DON’T HAVE BAD LUCK! Nope…you’re just an asshole. A black cloud over you at all times , pig pen, pride fueled asshole. And the sooner you realize that, the better. Cause…hey, it’s never to late to just hop in the shower.

Answers for Questions Vol. 294

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Hi there! Welcome to “Answers for questions”. A few days delayed cause I had jury duty but your boy escaped that without having to be on a trial. Always a small victory.
Anyway, I’m back and this is very simple. You ask me stuff…i answer. I ALWAYS need more questions so why don’t you come at me, bro? send questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Get weird. Get creative. It makes it more interesting for all parties involved.
Let’s check this weeks batch…

If you had $1 in your pocket and you couldn’t go home, what would you buy to eat?
A dollar doesn’t go very far nowadays. I couldn’t even get a buttered roll for that in NYC. Because I have a sweet tooth, I’d probably go the “bang for my buck” route and by $1 worth of loose candies. Like Hershey’s kisses and little caramels. It might be terrible for me but , at least, I’d be getting more crap in my stomach. Also, if one of those super cheap dollar pizza places was around, I’d do that as well…even though they generally taste like Elio’s microwave garbage.

You’ve said you’re a foodie – can you do your foodie take on your neighborhood? Do you enjoy eating at restaurants with famous chefs? Do you follow any famous chefs?
Have you ever been a line cook? Sometimes I think music culture and restaurant culture do hand in hand, both are up late, and the art is about visceral pleasures. Do you see any similarities?

I love food. It’s literally one of the only things I will blindly spend money on (even more than a dollar!). You will never hear me say “Oh, that place is too expensive!”. if the food is good, I’ll shell out money for it no problem. Living in NYC, there is amazing food everywhere. I could eat at a different , awesome place every day for a year with ease (If i wasn’t so lazy). My neighborhood is no different. It’s walking distance from anything you’d ever need.
As for famous chefs, I’ve been to a few of those places. They’re generally very good but I don’t REALLY care about all that. I certainly don’t invest my time into knowing more about them or following their social media. I love food but pics of food do me no service. It’s like going to the strip club. I’d rather just have sex. So seeing pics of amazing food just makes me wanna go eat.
I’ve never been a line cook and I honestly can’t cook at all. As much as I love food, I’m impatient and preparing things is not my bag. Also, nyc is the delivery capital of the world. I’ve been” ordering meals since i could afford it. No need for me to cook anything beyond a toasted english muffin with butter and honey. That’s what I “cook”…and it’s delicious.

I know alot of a person’s personality comes out in their music. And i know from your beats and interviews that your a pretty chill, goofy, funny guy. We all get sad sometimes, and i knew a few songs you’ve produced that mirror that. my question is, What about Mad Block? has the Hyde to your Jekyll ever come out and expressed pure gangsta rage on a track? One example that comes to mind is Tomorrow Morning, i cant think of others. Anything in the works that has a bit more of your human aggression in it?

Well…”Tomorrow morning” isn’t one of my songs so that might explain that one. Unless you got the title wrong…it wasn’t me.
To be honest, I’m not an angry person. I can’t remember the last time I was actually mad. At best, i get annoyed. I realize, the tone of this blog itself reads as I’m a highly agitated, snarky motherfucker…and while I’ll cop to the snark, the reality of it is I don’t REALLY give a fuck about much. Like, the things I make fun of or shine a light on, it’s not anger. It’s just venting. I actually feel writing this shit out helps me move on from really even being bothered by things. So, no, there is no mad version of me that will make an angry beat. I can make an angry beat (“Good block, bad block” comes to mind) but it’s not inspired by real rage. It’s just a musical mood I’m trying to capture. My personality and my music, in general, don’t match up. I’m even keeled, happy and relaxed. I just happen to make music that is more emotional sounding in scope. No clue why. I tend to think it’s just a personal taste. I like melody. I like listening to that blue feeling in music. But my real life , everyday existence isn’t bout that at all.

What are your thoughts on “natural” products? Do you use things like organic hippie deodorant. toothpaste (like Tom’s brand etc.), or do you say fuck it and dig into the chemical life?

I think, in theory, that stuff is a good idea but in reality, they suck as products. Like toms toothpaste? You might as well brush your teeth with trident gum with sand in it. And those hippie deodorants…if you wonder why so many hippies stink it’s cause rubbing a rock on your fetid armpit will not keep it from smelling awful. I’m sure there are some natural products that work great (and, now, I’m sure people will be all up in my comments telling me about them at length…just a heads up, I don’t care so save your time and don’t even bother) but I don’t seek out things like that in general. If they happen to come into my life naturally, then they do. But I’m not out here going to the co-op and reading the backs of boxes for ingredients in my mouthwash.


What makes you choose cute animal pictures for these posts? I guess it makes me click on them though so whatever it is, you’re doing it right. Also, what was going through your head when you named your tracks on The Music Scene? I mean, did you think of pretty sea slugs while you were producing that song? Thanks for the great tunes 🙂

a) i pick those pics cause they’re cute…and it’s a running theme I’ve been doing here since I started. i don’t know what spawned it but I always like cute animal pics and , as this is generally a post i start the week with, I figure we should all start the week with a pic of a cute animal.
b)My song titles are pretty random. Some are inside jokes. some are based on a feeling of the song. Some come from a feeling, then get spun into something totally different. Like “Which one of you jerks drank my arnold palmer?” had a summery feel to it…somehow, that got extrapolated into me imagining someone drinking an Arnold Palmer I had wanted…perhaps on a porch somewhere in the country. It makes no sense but, when I was naming the songs, that just kinda landed there.

Demo Reviews Vol. 80

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It’s been a while but I have returned to review your Demos. This is never easy but someones gotta do it.
If you’d like to be a part of this shitshow, I’m not accepting demos. For how to do that and the rules. check THIS out.
The reviews work like so: i listen once, write a paragraph or two about your song, then arbitrarily rate them from 1-10 in these categories:
Production
Vocals
Listenability
Originality

In general, I rate very low. A 5 should feel like a tiny victory. So, let’s see what we got this week…

Artist: MN
Song: Life as we know in


This is very demo-y demo. The recording and mixing are both very amateur sounding. That aside. the rappers are kinda boring early 2000’s emo indie rap kinda guys with a slight case of white voice. The aren’t bad per se, but this kind of rapping just doesn’t interest me anymore. It’s ironic that they rap about living in a cage cause it feels as though they haven’t heard rap since , like, 2003. The beat actually has some cool parts to it but it’s made in a rudimentary fashion and the first layer that comes in is out of tune. Out of tune samples: my biggest peeve.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

Artist: Station six
Song: Demons (feat. Scarlet De Lemeny)


First and foremost, I’m down with this beat. It’s pretty simple but it sets an ill mood. It could be sharpened up and more evolved but it’s nice regardless. The rapping is fine. Not very interesting. Nothing i haven’t heard hundred of times before. He does that “i’m kinda breathless” style that i really hate but that’s just personal preference.
The song is more about the overall vibe than anything the rapper is actually saying…which is too bad cause he sounds like he’s talking about serious ideas.
Production:6 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Josh “Cultivata” Page
Song: Doctor and the Chef (ft. Fathomphantom)


This is another very “underground” sounding rap song. Which makes sense. It’s a story rhyme…Can’t really say i followed it very well. The writing is seemingly good and the flow is fine. It’s not grabbing me though. The beat is just kinda there. It doesn’t sound “cheap” but some of the sounds seem kinda lifeless. Also, it gets pretty monotonous. Needs some changes , layers or something.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist:R$N
Song:IGTKMP5


This is a bit of a mess. It’s weird cause, there are elements of it that sound like the person making it knows what they are doing but, tonally, it’s all over the place. Sounds like an electronic band tuning it’s instruments. It’s as if the artist has a good idea of what kind of music he/she wants to make but hasn’t figured out that things being in key is like Rule #1 of making this kind of music. So the production ideas and desire for peaks and valleys is there…it’s just the skill set and ear isn’t yet.
Production:3.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:3 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist:Moses Rockwell
Song: Solus


This is okay. Cool Upright bass chop and the no drum thing works well enough. There’s not much to the beat beyond that so, that means, it’s more a platform for the rapper to shine. The rapping is cool. Can’t say it grabbed me but he’s got skills. It’s weird, it’s felt like all the rapping thus far this week, is kinda similar…just varying degrees. Underground white guys. I suppose that’s just this blog being on brand though…
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: High Elders
Song: Dreams with Mephistopheles


Okay, here we go. This is slightly different than the other demos. The beat feels more current. The rapping, while still kinda white and underground, has a weirdness to it that stands out. The production is really cool, choppy and feels warm. The rapper is not amazing but has his own personality, which is honestly more important at times then being the most lyrical miracle rapper.
Production:6.5 out of 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:6 out of 10
Originality:6 out of 10

Artist: G.C. Crew
Song: Hip hop is my life Ft. Clev Speech


I won’t even lie…i was judging this one based off the title. I know, I’m a dick.To be honest, I’m kinda shocked it’s an american rapper. Was definitely expecting a german accent or something.
This is very much a throwback track. On the bright side, this dude does a really good job sounding like the rap he loves. He has skills…for that era. This is time capsule rap. This could legit have been a demo on stretch and bobbito in 96. Without question. The beat is solid, though boring. All that said, I just don’t know where this fits in at 2016. At least he REALLY does love hip hop, though.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Afghan Connection
Song: Cascade


This is some decent little instrumental shit. Sounds like mostly live instruments. It drags in the beginning and veers off into a more rock and rollish vibe. All in all, it’s not bad at all. It’s lacking direction but there’s potential to it. I can’t say I see a point to this song, as it’s kinda meandering but, like i said, with a little focus and more of a concept behind just simple “making a song”, this could be something.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

So, What do you think?

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 51

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Summer is here and what better way to spend your day than making up scenarios involving the free will of other people?
Yes, this is “Fuck/marry/kill”. The same game awful frat guys play but with a twist. As always, I must remind people this is a joke and not meant to be taken seriously in any way. If you think something like this might offend you, it probably will. Even though the majority of options aren’t even real things/people but I know how people can get.
Also, if you got any creative options for me to use in a later editions, leave them in the comment section. As you can see from this weeks edition, it can really be anything. Follow your heart!

F/M/K:A 26 year old Smurf chick, A 26 year old Fraggle Rock chick, A 26 year old Daria

Marry: Smurf
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I appreciate the age specification here cause, you know, wouldn’t wanna be creepy about possibly fucking something 3 apples high in size. Oh wait…that’s impossible. That will always be creepy. It’s not like Smurfs hit 18 and and all of a sudden men all over breath a sigh of relief cause they can FINALLY get some of that legal smurf trim. No, Smurfs are literally too small to have sex with. But, then again…So are Fraggles. They’re a little bigger than Smurfs but still smaller than your average toddler so there’s not way I’m even considering sex with either of them. So, this leaves me in a strange position. It comes down to who I’d rather share a loveless/sexless marriage with. In my eyes, a smurf seems like the clear choice. They’re a docile bunch (minus the grumpy one) and generally seem like they’re good people. Sure, it would be a marriage of convenience but the alternate is a little too crazy for me. Like Animal from the Muppet show but a female and smaller. I wouldn’t even want that as a pet.

Fuck: Daria
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Daria wins (is have sex with me a victory here? I kinda doubt it) by default. She’s the only one here who’s
1)age matters (high school daria would be off limits, obviously)
2)is a real human (albeit in cartoon form)
3)has a vagina that’s proportionate to an adult male (I’m assuming).
Sure, the reality of sex with Daria might , in fact, be the worse sex on the planet but this isn’t about that. It’s about justice. It’s about me not murdering someone via the act of making love. I gotta hand it to who ever come up with these options…you’re a fucked up person. God, I’m shivering at the thought of the cutting remarks Daria might way during sex. Not sure if my ego could even handle that. I’ve never had someone roll their eyes at me during sex but I have a feeling that’s right in Daria’s wheelhouse.

Kill: Fraggle
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As discussed above, it was her or the smurf. She’s a wildling. She’s too small. She’s…a fraggle. At least the doozers are cute and would make good pets. Fraggles are like jungle hippies. Aside from the already stated issues with sex/marriage to a fraggle, I feel like they probably got weird diseases that could wipe out humanity if exposed sexually. We just can never be too sure. So, fraggle gon’ die tonight.

F/M/K
Audio edition: Vinyl, Cassette, CD

Kill: Cassettes
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Listen, I know it’s all cool and shit to have cassettes now. They’re seemingly making a comeback for some unknown reason but lemme tell you whipper snappers something. I grew up with cassettes. I own 1000’s of them. They are, without question, the worst type of way to listen to music. From sound quality, to ease of use, to convenience, they lose every time. You never hear someone bragging about “Cassette quality” or hear someone say “i just like the warm sound of cassettes”. Nope. Cause they’re the worst. And, again, I have literally every album I’ve ever loved pre-2000 on cassette. It was how I listened to music my entire youth…but sometimes , times change for the better. Cassettes were a thing and they were fine when they were our best option…but it’s not 1988 anymore. Let it go. They can die now.

Fuck: Vinyl
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I’m sure this pick horrifies some of you purists but let me explain. In terms of sound and feel, Vinyl is the best. There’s no question. People out here freaking out about CDQ tracks and bit rates but, to me, the warmth of vinyl is real and truly does bring out a sound in music that’s all it’s own. That said, it’s just not practical. If i wanna go for a walk to the store, I can’t strap on a record player and bump my newest vinyl. If I’m traveling, i can’t bring stacks or records for the plane, to play on my battery powered record player (I mean, i could but I’d be the fucking worst human being ever if i did that). Vinyl is situational. MUCH LIKE SEX. So, to me, it’s the clear choice. Also, it’s got that hole in the middle…shout out to 45’s, you the real MVP.

Marry: Cd’s
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I don’t love cd’s. But , of the three choices they’re the right choice. You can travel with them, they sound good, you can fit a bunch into a small carrying case. You don’t need to flip sides or manually move anything to get to a new song. Sure, they’re bulky and finding a discman in 2016 would be both difficult and humbling but it’s still the best option of optimal music listening. I’m not saying cd’s are perfect. They get scratched. They’re not super reliable. But, at their best, they were how music in the future were envisioned before people figured out how to make music invisible and fit inside our phones.

F/M/K:
SNL edition: Rachel Dratch, Ana Gasteyer, Molly Shannon

Marry: Molly Shannon

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, (Mary Katherine Gallagher), Molly Shannon, 1975-present.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, (Mary Katherine Gallagher), Molly Shannon, 1975-present.


She’s always been awesome to me and, by default, she’s the one I’m most attracted to. I dunno if that’s a good enough reason to throw a ring on someones finger but i’ve seen people do it for worse reasons, right?
There’s a manic energy to Molly shannon that definitely kinda scares me but I feel, there’s a chance, that could work in our favor as a couple. I’m pretty level and easy going. She’s high energy and unpredictable. Perhaps our two energies would balance perfectly. Of it would be a total disaster. But , hey, that’s marriage, right?

Kill: Rachel Dratch
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I’m a fan of Dratch as well…and it does feel very shallow to put her down but I really don’t know what else to do with her here. She’s funny and weird, but so are the other two options. Sadly, this comes down to the most basic level of the game and that is: attraction. Yup…that’s all it is. Dratch is Dratch. The name says it all. I don’t wanna have to kill her , in this entirely made up and ridiculous scenario, but she’s as close to a muppet as a human can get and , as i stated earlier, i cannot have sex or marry a muppet in good conscience.

Fuck: Ana Gasteyer
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This is one of those default choices as well. I think the saving grace here is that Gasteyer is a dynamic performer. She can be so many different characters that, perhaps, one of them would be a girl who wants to have sex with me and vice versa. Is that doable? I dunno. I’m not even sure she’s attracted to men, to be honest but here we are. Fuck/marry/kill is all about compromise and pretending. In the case of Gasteyer and I, that’s all we got.

F/M/K: spending the rest of your life with a woman who has: a) bipolar disorder; b) multiple personality disorder (one identity is a porn star, the other is a luchador); or, c) obsessive compulsive disorder, and one of her tics is performing 10 audible queefs before she can open a door

Marry: Obsessive compulsive disorder girl
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Here’s the thing, I could work with OCD. You can help these problems over time and they will get better. So, in marrying this girl, that would be the goal. Cause, outside of her OCD, she could be the perfect girl, right?
Perhaps, to quell her queefing thing, we create a house with no doors. Also, I’m not bothered by Queefs. I’d be more impressed that she could conjure them up on the spot, to be honest. i think, of the three options, this one has the most flexibility and can be possible. Hell, we all have our OCD things. Like, I have to clear all notifications off my phone whenever possible. No clue why…i just need it. Is that worse/better than a door opening queefer? Who’s to say?

Fuck: Multiple Personality girl
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Get you a woman who can do both, AMIRITE?!?!?
This is technically one fuck so the secret here would be to catch her on a porn star day. fucking a luchador might be problematic but if i can time it right, it could be perfect. Sure, this could backfire and she could switch over midway through sex, throw me in a leg scissor hold and flip me off the bed but those are the risks when you fuck someone with distinct multiple personalities. you take the good, you take the bad…you take ’em both and there you have…a sex crazed luchador (as well as the facts of life). Roll the dice.

Kill: Bipolar girl
bipolarity_o_781376
See…this is tough cause there are variations to being bipolar but I’m just gonna assume this is an extreme case. Not so different than the porn star/luchador , in that it would be all about timing, in dealing with this one. But, to be honest, Bipolar people are exhausting and , at least with the multiple personality girl, I could rationalize who I was dealing with. Someone who’s either extremely high or extremely low all the time just doesn’t bode well for me, personally. I’m a leveled guy. I don’t change moods really. So, while sex with a Bipolar person could be amazing, it could also get dark real quick. That’s scissor lock off the bed sounds like a picnic comparatively. In this case, I’d just be playing it safe and opting out of the bipolar girl altogether.