Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 55


The_Doctor_Is_In
Ohhh yeahhh…it’s about that time again. The Doctor is innnnnn.
I’m not a licensed anything but I do give you honest and fair advice from a perspective you can’t find anywhere else: A stranger who doesn’t give a shit about coddling your feelings. Some call it, keeping it 100. in my day, it was just called keeping it real.
Also, I ALWAYS NEED MORE QUESTIONS. if you’re having trouble in your love life, life in general or what ever, don’t be shy. Ask me for help and I will do my best to deliver. It’s anonymous and , hey, what’s the worst thing that could happen? It’s not like your dumb friends are gonna give you better advice.
send me all questions or the heart to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. I’m here to help…as well as create content for this very blog. it’s a win-win, brah.

Block, I need your advice and I need your input. Before I get into it…I want to say that I’m a pretty emotionless guy, I don’t let things bother me and I’m very easy going. ( she has said before that I need to show more emotion)

Okay here it goes…

I was dating a girl for 1.5 years I’m 29 she’s 22. I broke it off in March. The first 7-8 months were great. I bought a house 5 months into the relationship and decided to tackle the house myself and redo it myself. She lived with her mom. Anyways, I’m slow at redoing everything( hardwood floors, kitchen, bathroom Etc) so we would get into little fights We would constantly fight about little shit.

I would get so frustrated with our fights I would feel like I was just spinning my wheels in the mud. I could feel my blood pressure going up. (I think about it now I would try to piss her off at times which was stupid) She had a hard time at home. Her brother didn’t do shit and doesn’t have a job and lives off her mom. She would fight with her brother all the time. She would take her frustration out on me. It got to the point where I just couldn’t handle it. So I broke it off, I broke it off because when it got down to it it just became to much for me.

Couple days went by and I was relieved until I realized I made a huge mistake by leaving her when she needed me the most. so i made the effort to get her back. I got her back…things were the same…little fights here and there. We dated for about a month or two longer. Then she broke down and decided that she needed a break. She couldn’t handle all the things going on in her life at the movement. Always fighting with her brother, her horse got cancer, she was going to school full time and working full time. Anyways…I said okay let’s take a break then.

I was okay, we hung out 2 times since then…I saw her horse with her…and I went to her sisters college grad to take photos for her. She told me about two weeks after the break that she wants to be happy and that she wants to date. I didn’t really think of anything and of course I was saying of course I want you to be happy.

I decided to jump on tinder for the rush of meeting someone new I was honestly not hurt at the 2nd time she broke it off I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. So I hooked up with 2 girls. (Bad idea) Then it hit me…I realized I made a huge mistake by letting her go. It started last week…when she said still wants me as a friend and she still loves me…but she is starting to become official with a new guy. But she tells me she still wants me as a friend. So I said lets hang out Friday 5/13/16 and I can check out her new apartment(they bought a new apt last week) with her sister and give her sister the graduation photos.

I show up Friday with flowers and I made a short video of our go pro footage from our trips while we were together. She loved it, I made her a wood sign that said her cats name with a cut out of a cat. Anyways, being with her Friday made me really miss everything. Laying on her bed together watching tv I tried to massage her back but she said I can’t do that and that ship said a long time ago. So I said okay.

I asked her sister what was going on she told me

‘To me…personally, I think she rushed it with this guy, he gives me bad vibes and she filled a broken heart with an easy fix. Who knows if she will be with him for a week or a year but that’s something she will have to figure out for herself. If you love her I wouldn’t let her go, but I also wouldn’t just keep trying. The best thing for both of you is to keep living your life: meaning date other people, hang out with friends, etc. but at the end of the day you two are still friends. It’s a good thing that you guys can remain friends and possibly become something again one day.’

I can’t tell you how much this hurts block…this weekend has been absolute hell…I can’t eat or sleep. It’s 5:30 am as I am writing this. I’ve been trying to stay busy this weekend but I break down. I’m a mess and completely broken. I’ve broke down and texted her and called her but she says that she is over it and that she has moved on but she still loves me. She loves me but she has moved on. She said she’s always there for me and wants to still be friends.

What do I do block? Do I continue to be her friend and fight the constant pain of her being with another guy? While hoping by being her friend and being there for her the future we might get back together?

Or do I just cut ties with her and delete her from my life and try to recover with her out of it. If I do this I feel like I’m giving up and not being there for her.

I haven’t been eating and I can’t sleep. Any advice and info would be much appreciate. I thank you for taking the time out of your day as well to help me.

Well, first off, this letter could have been two paragraphs long. Just saying. Secondly, this is a break up. This shit happens. Because you’re not the one pulling the strings it’s hurting you more at the moment. It sounds to me like you got a case of the old “The grass is greener” , once you were single. You missed her cause you cared about her but , perhaps, you also missed the idea of her more than the reality. That’s so common in these situations. Especially when the other person moves on. And when that other person moves on and you’re still in the same place, it’s even harder.
What you’re going through is a mixture or genuine sadness and ego. It’s the worst but , trust me, it will pass. However, in order for you to do that, you can’t “be friends” with her. Not now. Perhaps down the line but you clearly can’t handle that shit right now. Dude, You’re out here trying to give backrubs. Would you do that to your male buddy? NOPE. The balance is all off kilter between you two, she’s seemingly moved on and you’re still pining for her. it’s not gonna work. I’m not a believer in people deleting each other from their lives like it’s some sort of hissy fit but backing away is 100% needed here. Don’t call her. If she hits you up, be curt. She says she wants to be friends with you but , even if she really does, I can’t help but think she’s saying that to be nice and soften the blow. If she’s with a new guy, her problems are now his. He’s inherited those from you so, in a way, you can bask in that release.
Also, much like how she did to you, perhaps if you backed away and no longer was there for her whenever she needed you, she might start missing you or remembering what you bought to the table. Or not. You never know. The fact is YOU have no control over how or what she feels. I should also add that she’s 22. She’s young as fuck and putting all your eggs in that basket as you near 30 seems doomed regardless.
The thing about getting dumped is that it’s not your choice. All you can do is deal with it the best you can. It’s gonna hurt. But that shit fades. And all you’re feeling is emotional pain. It’s not like you had a kid together or lived together. on the break up scale, what you went through is pretty minor. So, be sad but keep it moving. You’re allowing yourself to be haunted by a ghost and there’s no point in that.

Here’s the situation:
Facts
– 30 year old boy, 34 year old girl. Met on Tinder.
– Girl LTR minded.
– Epic first date.. Hike, drinks, dinner, crafts,sex. Followed by a whole weekend of hanging out.
– Followed by another week of awesome dates.
– Followed by a discussion in which Boy says he’s super into the girl but now he’s confused, bc he wasn’t LTR minded and was just about to embark on a slut phase and now she’s thrown that off.

Question: what’s best for girl to do?
Her instinct is to say.. Go slut it up and call me when you’re done. Boy suggested they carry on hanging out but not be exclusive. Is it better for her to stay around so she’s present in his mind?
Or to save her sanity, bail, and see if he comes back around when he realizes everyone else sucks.
P.S. He’s also terrible in bed and has a tiny penis

Now THIS is how you write a question. So succinct. Thank you for this.

This is 100% a bail situation. If a girl is in a LTR mindset, she can be fooled to put up with a lot of things, with the faint hopes of MAYBE things working out. The fact this dude is openly telling her “I’m not ready for that but can we still fuck?” is exactly what she doesn’t want.
Listen, a good date and week with a person is one thing. I realize some people rarely have good dates but , i dunno…it’s not that hard to get along with someone for a few days. LTR minded people tend to read that as kismet and then they focus on that “connection” like it’s sent from heaven. When, really, this guy was probably just on point for a week, acting like “early dating good guy” and the girl bought it. If he’s really bout that slut life, he’s on tinder, starting to collect a rotation of women. That’s how that works. You get on tinder, go on dates, be charming and fun , then have sex. The problem there is that, unless the girl is on the same page, it can be confusing as fuck. Now,i give the guy credit cause he’s not lying to her. His straight up-ness makes me believe that he’s not a fuck boy about this kinda thing. He’s basically giving her the options: We can part amicably cause we’re not on the same page OR we can keep fucking. In the girls head, “we can keep fucking” is a glimmer of hope but…it’s not. She’s just gonna be a girl on his roster hoping the other shoe drops and he’s just gonna be having his cake and eating it too. And if she’s the type who get’s jealous or possessive of men, she’s just asking to be driven crazy by the entire set up.
So, yeah…bail. If he had a dick she liked and the sex was good, I’d at least understand that it might keep her around a bit but if the sex and dick are trash? what is the point of having a purely sexual relationship? One that she doesn’t even want! Bail. BAIILLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

My boyfriend keeps making comments about my weight and it is beginning to bother me..

I am a 28 year old woman and have a slender figure. I have a little junk in the trunk and not much happening in front… basically, I have room for improvement if I want to gain weight. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 years and we have been living together for almost 2. Everything has been going well and I can’t complain. But lately he’s been saying I could use a little more weight and he would be more attracted to me if I gained some. My response to this has been “oh sure I’ll do that” because I honestly do want to put on a few more pounds, but it’ll be a long process and I can’t help but be bothered by him saying me gaining weight will make me more attractive to him. I’ve basically looked the same since we first started dating, so I’m not sure why he suddenly wants my body to look a certain way. I am actually very sensitive about my weight and have a fear of being too thin, but no one (besides my grandma) has ever commented on my weight like that. It is starting to get to me and it is actually kind of hard for me to gain weight which I am trying to do. I haven’t exactly given him pushback because it’s not like he says these things every day, but comments like “ohhhh there’s something happening back there, it’s getting there, I’m starting to get more attracted to you” are getting under my skin. Am I putting too much thought into this or do I have a reason to feel upset?

This is a two sided thing. Yes, you 100% have a reason to be upset. Anytime someone is picking at your physical appearance, it’s rude. The fact he wants you to gain weight is an interesting wrinkle in this cause…usually, it’s the other way around. I wish i had your problem! But, yeah, being told to look differently by the person you’re dating, even though you’ve looked the same the whole time can definitely be a mind fuck. Have you ever tried speaking honestly about it with him? Be like “You know gaining weight isn’t easy for me, right?”. Just opening that convo in a simple manner would at least make him reconsider bringing it up in the future.
The other side to this is that you guys have been together for 4 years and lived together for 2. It’s only natural that you guys start to nitpick about shit cause, well, that’s a long time and it’s easy to get in a relationship rut when you’ve lived with someone for a few years. Longterm relationships aren’t easy or natural. It’s work. He might be totally happy in the relationship but maybe the “desire” is beginning to wane? It’s possible. It happens. Maybe he thinks more weight could turn that around? It’s hard to say. It’s also not fair to you. But, like i said, these things happen in long relationships. And they either get worse or they get a second wind.
So, really, there’s not much you can do outside of address the problem head on. otherwise, it’s just gonna eat at you and annoy you more and more every time he brings it up, building resentment and fucking with your insecurity. Hell, you could sit around eating cheesecake all day, gain 60 pounds and then he’s probably be kicking himself. Or you could be like “I hear you boo but i wish you’re dick was bigger…” or something to that effect. That’s the passive aggressive angle that no one likes but, hey, it does serve it’s purpose. All that said, I’d go with option A. you’re adults and you care about each other. Talk it out.

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