So, this past weekend, i played a festival in the outback of Australia. As different as it was from other festivals I’ve played (being on the other side of the planet, the people , the wildlife and the musical tastes), if you were to press mute on everyone and just look at it from afar, it was really no different than a festival in the woods of Oregon. Typically , I do my set and scurry off to the closest hotel to make love to some wifi and watch tv with a roof over my head, never to be seen on camp grounds again. However, this time, I stayed for the full 3 days of the festival. I was IN IT. So, with all this free time in a foreign land, at a festival where I only know a handful of people, i spent a good deal of my time roaming around the campsite. People watching. I mean, that’s kinda what you do at these things, right? It was packed with the usual suspects. Burners, people on drugs, burners on drugs, girls in road warrior outfits carrying hula hoops, people in footie pajamas covered in dirt, a few back woods wiggers and a surprising amount of children. In fact, this was , by far, the most kids I’ve seen at a festival. It was pretty cool to see actually cause i can only imagine how their tiny brains are taking it all in. I suppose to them it’s like a circus with REALLY loud music.
On the Saturday morning of the festival, i was in the food area just stuffing some sort of garbage into my mouth when , out of the corner of my eye, I caught what seemed to be an abundance of naked human flesh. Being the inquisitive soul that I am, I turned my head to see a man walking away from, butt naked, with some painted stuff on his shoulders and ass…think war paint. I tilted my head and thought “Well, surely he’s got something on covering his front parts…”. I then saw him walk up to someone and give a close hug to them (the receiver of said hug did a noticeable body jut to avoid pelvic contact). Right then I thought “no fucking way”. Lo and behold, he sashays his was back around and there it was, his naked dick flapping in the wind, parts of it were painted but, make no mistake, it was as uncovered as a cock can be in a public setting. So, i’m sure this particular aussie raver doesn’t read my blog (i bet he doesn’t even own a tv and on uses the internet for email cause, you know, he’s THAT guy) but I figured I’d write him a letter…just in case cause, you know, someone needs to talk to this guy.
Dear Naked guy,
What’s up? Chilling? cool. I was eating my breakfast the other day when I turned my head to see your dick bobbling as you walk. Nice cock, bro! I especially enjoyed the ornate colors you painted it. Did you, perhaps, have one of the children who were doing face paintings at the festival handle that for you? Whoever did it, they did a bang up job.
I see you there, prancing around like a proud peacock, winds blowing your hair, smugly strutting to give your dick that extra bounce. Balls hopping off your thighs as if to way “Hey! Don’t forget about us!”. Don’t worry balls, we could never forget you.
Your pride and self love are palpable. You must feel great!
I’m writing you this letter to let you in on something. That something is that, unless you’re part of art installation or the incredible hulk after turning back into David Banner, no one who’s not having sex with your penis should ever see it in public. I understand you’re probably a free spirit. You cannot be caged but the constraints of society around you. Cavemen walked around, dicks flailing, so why can’t you? Well, I’m sorry to say, you are not a caveman. You’re a male in 2016 , in a public place full of children running around. Now, that’s my #1 gripe. Your dick and kids eyes. It’s just…not okay. I dunno if you know this but dicks are gross. They aren’t tits. When a women thinks of a strangers cock, she frowns and they’re the #1 target audience for dicks (shout out to gay dudes but the sheer #’s put ladies in first place). Think about that. The people who enjoy dicks the most, are also repulsed by the majority of them. But beyond the sheer grossness of it (for everyone), what you’re doing is forcing your bullshit on everyone else. Now, I believe people should be able to do what they want. So, in a sense, if you WANT to walk around with your dick out, then live you life. But, with life’s choices come responsibility and consequences. The consequences being your dick waggling in front of a 4 year olds face and your responsibility being to NOT waggle you dick anywhere near the face of a child. Listen, it’s a free world. We have so much we can do. Is your right to express yourself via nudity that important to you? Perhaps you should go to a nude beach or a Hedonism resort where that kinda thing is accepted and monitored. Maybe one of those burning man fuck tents I’ve heard about. I know, i know, a fuck tent is not in public but I’m just spitballing ideas for you. Regardless, all those places seem more appropriate than here.
I think what gets me is that I 100% know you’re doing this cause you’re just so one with the earth and comfortable in your own skin. That’s great. But ,sometimes, we’re so far to the left, we swing around to the right again. You’re blissful, free love hippie freedom is so extreme that it is , in fact, bordering on sexual harassment to every single person that lays eyes on your paint chipped penis. Every woman and man who didn’t feel like looking at your freewheeling cock. Every male child who now probably thinks that, when he gets older, his dick will become a crusty orange and green hair cake.
Every little girl who has never seen a penis in her life will now have THAT as what she expects. In 12 years, when she’s old enough, she will pull out some dudes dick and be shocked it didn’t look like bravehearts face. That’s on you , dude. And I know that’s the furthest thing from your intentions but still…s
o, fuck your freedom. There are so many ways to express individuality and openness without having to ruin everyones day simply cause they looked in your direction. So, please, do me and everyone else a favor and cover that stupid cock up. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Alternate version of this letter:
HEY ASSHOLE, I CAN SEE YOUR DICK. WE CAN ALL SEE YOUR DICK. THERE ARE KIDS HERE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. PUT THIS SHIT AWAY, YOU FUCKING JERK OFF.