Hi guys. Welcome to “Defending my tweets”. This is for those times when 141 characters is not enough to really drive home whatever stupid point I’m trying to make. It’s a launchpad for rants, really. As misguided as they may be, they gotta end up somewhere.
Let’s see what we got this week…hope you guys don’t have a fondness for musicals. You may wanna skip this one.
In case you’re out of the loop and unsure of what a “Fleshlight” is, let me explain. It’s basically a fuckable flashlight. It’s a cylinder, shaped much like a flash light, but instead of sending beams of light out of one end, there is a gummy mouth/vagina for which you are supposed to stick your dick into. It kinda looking like a pink version of Audrey 2 from “Little shop of horrors”, which doesn’t totally miss the mark cause we all know she had those crazy dsl’s.
Anyhoo, it’s a tool for masturbation. Pretty simple. Masturbation is a facet of pretty every man’s life. We start doing in at a young age and in evolves from something we do 5 times a day to something we do when we need to relax or go to sleep. What was once a drug becomes something used almost more for maintenance. Guys do all sorts of things. Most use our hands, like gentleman. Some, at younger ages, have been know to get more creative and fuck things like fruits with holes cut in them or a sock full of lube. Personally, I’ve always be a meat and potatoes guy and that extra work just seems like a bit much for me. But, for those guys who need more than the skin on their hands, inventors got your back. There have been many versions of this. The blow up doll has been around longer than me. It was literally a balloon with a face, some sharp plastic tits and a rudimentary hole you could maybe kinda fuck. I won’t lie, it looked pretty uncomfortable. Like boning an inflatable mattress. But time won’t let something like the way a man pleasures himself stay in the caveman era. Nope. Nowadays, they have plastic vagina molds modeled after real porn stars. Sure, it looks like a serial killer chopped out just the vagina on some poor girl but the holes work and you get to kinda sorta pretend you’re having sex with a real person.
The flesh light is a different thing though. It’s a tube you hold. While it is specifically for men, it’s less direct as to what part you’re actually fucking. It could be a mouth. It could be a vagina. It could even be a weird butthole if you want it to be. No matter what it is…it’s still a tube you stick your dick in.
As a seasoned masturbator (we all are, really), I’ve always felt that being extra about how you bust nuts is a slippery slope. Especially if you’re blowing loads all over that slope. I’m not saying this to shame anyone. I get why people want to kick things up a notch. But, once you go online, see a fleshlight and decide “I need this in my life”, you are officially a “fleshlight” guy. You have jumped from a man who jerks off all basic like, to a guy who now fucks an inanimate object that looks like a baby’s eye winking. I say, fuck it! Rock it with pride. Embrace that you need a little more to get yourself off. Leave in on the table like your would a candle or your tv remotes. When people ask “uh, what is that?!!”, you look them dead in the eye and say “Oh that? it’s my fleshlight. I CUM IN THAT.” and don’t break eye contact cause it shows weakness. Stand by your life choices! It’s the only way to truly be free.
This isn’t an opinion piece but more just a case of how little we understand cultures outside of our own.
As an american, I grew up with PB &J. We all did. It’s as much a staple of our country as apple pie, hamburgers, and pick up trucks. In my myopic mind, I assumed this was something all first world countries took part in. Well, holy shit, was I wrong.
I had been in europe doing a tour and the topic of PB&J came up, only to be met but confused stares. “You eat a sandwich with peanut butter and jelly…together?” followed by a face I’d make if I saw someone eating raw liver. Turns out, it’s not only uncommon, it’s considered gross. Also, it turns out peanut butter isn’t widely available in some parts of europe. Then they began to tell me how they eat sandwiches of jelly and butter. Now, that’s not gross at all but…man, I couldn’t help think they were missing out big time. I also noticed, while out there, that in places where there might normally be peanut butter (mostly continental hotel breakfasts) they would replace it with nutella. And, goddamn, I can’t argue with that logic. Having a Nutella option is some next level shit cause i feel like, even though that stuff is readily available in the states, we use it wrong. It should be everywhere. Like, at all breakfast spots, next to the ketchup and hot sauce. Why the fuck not? So, well done Europe. You guys nailed that one.
Anyway, when I posted this tweet, it was met with endless responses of people agreeing or giving me their variations of what they eat. It was quite enlightening. I truly had no idea. So, this is the rare case when the internet actually did teach me things that I was curious to know. Well done, internet. You are now batting 3 for 248712847489 in that category!
I was thinking of writing a whole post on just this but stopped myself. I did that for one reason. I have not seen this play and the backlash of speaking out of my ass would be too much. I know how the internet works. Even when I actually know about something there’s always 100 people waiting to “actually…” me to death so it’s best to , at least, be prepared to defend yourself.
In the case of the musical “Hamilton”, I had no idea what it was until I was watching some award show and there was a performance of a scene from it. Now, by nature, i find musicals to be the worst. It’s acting and singing stewed together into a pompous mess of over done theater kid mania that makes me want to jump off a cliff. So, clearly, this isn’t for me. But, I’m a rap guy. I know rap. I’ve been immersed in it for as long as i can remember so ,when I see rap pop up in unusual places, my ears perk up.
Watching this scene from the play, within moments I let out an audible “Oh fuck this…”. I was in a room alone, by the way.
But, I soon forgot it had happened and went on with my life as a normal person does.
Over the next few weeks , I started seeing this play come up on all sorts of media outlets. People praising it as some revolutionary work of genius. People like Stephen Colbert, John Oliver, New anchors, friends on facebook etc…Many of these are people I respect greatly…but not when it comes to their opinion on anything having to do with rap music. The common thread being all these people were old white folks who have no perspective on what might make something like this good, bad or whatever. “Corny” is subjective. But it’s also a feeling that shoots through your body when you see/hear it. In my case, I felt the Corny holy ghost in me from just the first 8 bars of this thing. It’s a feeling.
The outpouring of love for this musical was far and wide. They performed at the white house. The guy who made it is not some random cornball who decided rap would be a cool idea for a musical. No, he’s a guy who definitely came up in the culture, had a vision and executed it very well. He’s a capable rapper. He made a rap musical about a historic figure and, to the ears of a the layman, it’s genius. To me? It’s some corny underground rap shit that has been done better (Prince paul’s “Prince among thieves” comes to mind). But, like i said, this dude isn’t a wack guy. Like, he’s got his head in the right place. Also, the main rapper in it is The Clipping, a guy I’ve given props to on multiple occasions on this very blog. So, clearly, there is lots of talent and hardwork being put into this musical. However, you can be legit and talented but still be corny. Corny isn’t about talent. It’s about a mind set. There’s a freedom to being corny. In a way, it’s quite respectable cause being corny is a very vulnerable way to live. It means you’re open in a way that is exposing your shortcomings. It’s like a lack of a filter, but that filter is good taste and awareness of what’s going on around you. Sounds pretty judgmental, huh? Yup. it is. And I’m one man. This is my solitary opinion. My word doesn’t mean more than yours or anyone else but, hey, when you feel something you gotta let it out.
Again, I have not seen this musical. I know this is me talking out of my ass but, you know…vibes can be very real and I’d be willing to see this musical just to justify everything I just wrote. But, at the same time, if I never do, I’M GOOD.