Defending My tweets Vol. 9

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Hello and welcome to another edition of “Defending my tweets”. This is where I show you tweets and either defend my shitty opinions or just further explain my point in more than 140 characters. That’s all there really is to this. You like aimless rants? Well, this is your lucky day.

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I’d be pretty oblivious to dating sites were it not for social networks. My instagram and facebook feeds are jammed with screen captures of dudes on dating sites being the absolute worst humans they can be. It’s actually impressive how bad they can actually be. So, this got me wondering if these dudes are doing it to be funny or cause they legit have no idea how to talk to girls. The thing is, it goes beyond these screen caps. I’ve had girls I know show me texted interactions between actual men trying to have sex with them and it’s mind boggling. Like, for instance, coming out the gate asking for head. OUT THE GATE. Not “Hey, what’s up? I saw your pic and you looked nice…”. Nope. More like “sup, trying to suck this dick or nah?”.
Part of me thinks there is no way a guy writes that with any sincerity. But, sadly, there other part of me thinks that this dude is literally asking every girl on Tinder if she wants to blow him cause, eventually, he’ll come across that one disaster of a human who’s like “Sure thing. You got weed?”.
Dating sites have transformed the entire landscape of how people hook up. For every match.com success story, there are probably 5000 tinder tales of horror. So, my idea would simply be a dating website where no one meets anyone. It would just be a data base of the worst profiles/people active on dating sites. You just look at peoples profiles and think “Nah, that quite alright cupid”.
Side note: 2014 cupid is a dirt bag motherfucker and has a phone full of dick pics ready to send.

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Are the days of “some of my best friends are black” over? Like , do people still keep tabs on that kinda shit? As the world slowly but surely heads toward a time where the average person will be more brown than pink, I’d hope that we all have come to grips
with the idea that people are people (spoiler alert: We haven’t). Simple concept, really. But, with that era seemingly on the outs, I’ve noticed something different. It’s very particular to white men though. Where “some of my best friends are black” was once a qualifier for someone who just said some outlandish shit, “My wife is____” seems to have taken it’s place.
We’ve finally reached the racial utopia in society where a person will marry a person of a different race and suddenly become an authority on all things related to that race. I didn’t realize that all worked through osmosis. What a feeling it must be!
Now, to be clear, I’m in no way saying this is the norm. Not at all. But I’ve noticed it enough to…well…notice. It’s kinda like that episode of Seinfeld where that dude converted to judaism just so he could make jewish jokes.
The funny thing is, I see it most with white dudes who marry asian women. Not only do they kinda usurp their culture (I straight up knew a dude who started wearing a gi out socially and tied his hair in a bun after he started dating this japanese girl) but it also opens the door for a weird kind of smugness where they, all of a sudden, are the oracle of wisdom concerning all things japanese/chinese/korean etc…As if , sticking your dick in someone repeatedly transfers their essence and history to you. In a way, I see how it happens. My girl is Serbian/bosnian and , honestly, I’ve learned more about the former Yugoslavia by dating her than I ever would have in a class room. But, still, it’s not like I can walk around and go up to a dude from Croatia and be like “hey man, take it easy on the serbs…some of them are good people who just love their country”.
I think my point is that a person’s race/culture is theirs. You can embrace it. You can love it. But just don’t be a “try-hard creep” about it. I realize being an “american white guy” is as boring as it gets but, honestly, it’s also the easiest thing in the world to be with the least consequences so, you know, don’t ever forget that.

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This one came about as I was waiting on the Lorimer stop on the L train. For those who aren’t familiar, it’s the second stop into Williamsburg, Brooklyn and one of the most hipster packed train stations on earth. Now, before I even get into this, I’d like to point out that people who hate on hipsters are typically hipsters in one way or another. Sure, I’d like to say I’m not cause I’m too old to be or whatever but , truth be told, as long as you’re paying attention to youth culture at all, you’re probably a little bit of a hipster. Especially people in urban areas. So, when I refer to “hipsters” here, I’m talking about the full fledged ones. The dudes and ladies who are on the cutting edge of every trend. The ones, for better or worse, that are defining this next generation with every blog and pintrest post they throw into the ether.
With that said, I can continue with a clear head…
I’ve always felt that real hipsterism and hip hop have had a really strange relationship. At least over the last 10 years. Once hipsters moved on from liking underground rap, things got weird. All off a sudden, former backpack wearing nerds would roll their eyes at any rap with multiple syllable words and they only opted to listen to variations of thugged out shit. Now, this is fine with me. I get this 100%. It’s strange how we grow older and lose interest in some things and gain it in others. Tastes simplify. This is not my issue. My problem is the “holier than thou” mindset I see amongst white nerds who get off on bumping the most ignorant rap they can find. This isn’t exactly a new thing. Don’t think for a second that, when NWA dropped, there weren’t white dorks everywhere rapping along to themselves in the privacy of their homes and cars like your man right here:

The difference now is that , now, there is a smug air about it. Like they’re really about that life. Which brings me to this kid I saw on the train. Dressed in clothing that I could only describe as “cloths people wore in movies from the 1960’s that were about the future” , looking like a child with a beard, smugly bobbing his head , with a screwed up face that looked like he was listening to a really extreme John Mayer solo. Only thing was that his Beats by Dre headphones were blasting what I easily recognized as a Waka FLocka Flame song. He wasn’t just digging the music. He wanted everyone to see how much he dug it. Similar to people who walk down the street, with headphones, singing/rapping loudly to themselves. No one is that unaware. Thing is, I wasn’t even mad at the guy. Dude is all in. He’s the 2014 version of Michael Bolton (from the clip above, not the singer) and he wins. I’m just some old guy with some ear buds listening to a podcast. I’m not even a factor.

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You ALWAYS have to qualify on twitter. Saying something as fact will only lead to 50 assholes pointing out that you’re jokey tweet isn’t 100% accurate. Case in point, these tweets. OF COURSE not all people who don’t allow page comments aren’t to be trusted. OF COURSE they aren’t all cheating on their significant others. I used to think the fact people take jokes so literally is either telling how poorly the joke is constructed or how completely dumb the people reading that joke are. But , nowadays, I realize that it has way more to do with people simply applying things to themselves and not seeing the big picture. Case in point, these two dumb ass tweets of mine. They got some retweets and favorites. But they also got multiple responses of people giving me other examples of when having a “no comment” facebook wall might be okay. To those people, I GET IT. You are the exception! Thanks for playing.
But, let’s be real, as many honest reasons as there are for someone turning off their wall comments (work related, family related) , you know exactly what I was talking about here. I was talking about normal people (single or dating) who simply don’t allow wall comments cause they do dirt and wanna limit the chance they get called out publicly/have someone accidentally blow up their spot. Maybe they’ve been “seeing” a girl for a while, she thinks it’s a relationship but the guy is still freely fucking tons of other girls. So, to make sure one of his side girls doesn’t write “So much fun last night!” on his wall, he disables it. It makes all the sense in the world.
It all makes me miss the days of Myspace, really. Cause you had to approve comments. You could never really be blindsided on Myspace. Facebook, however, doesn’t give a fuuuuuuuck. Not only do they just allow anyone you know to write whatever they want on your wall (I’m sure you can make the settings so that comments need approval but play along anyway), but now it’s like facebook wants me to see EVERYTHING. For instance, why the fuck am i seeing posts by people i don’t know simply cause someone I know commented on it? I’m a nosey dude but that’s too much for even me.
Still, we’re all adults here and I’ve found that ,on social networks, when people are hiding something, they have probably got something to hide. I got enough beef with all you private profile assholes on Instagram…but you “no comment on my facebook wall” ass dudes? Can’t truss’em!

Defending my tweets Vol. 8

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Welcome to another edition of “Defending my tweets”. It’s where I get to take the long rout in explaining what 140 characters couldn’t cover. I’m not so much “defending” them as i am just giving more insight into the brain farts I have on twitter. Cause, lord knows, brain farts need explaining.

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When I tweeted this, I believe it was the day after Beyonce had dropped her new album (out of thin air, apparently). Basically, I woke up (like this), went online and saw my entire twitter and facebook timeline splattered with girls gushing uncontrollably about Beyonce. The love was real. I might also add , these were adult women. Not teenagers. So, this kinda explosion of love isn’t exactly common on my social network existence. Personally, I’m okay with this. Beyonce is talented, she’s one of the hottest women alive and she works hard. I’m more bringing this tweet up cause of the reaction it got. That being a whole bunch of girls being “Not me! fuck Beyonce!”. Now, whatever. You don’t like Beyonce? That’s fine. I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever even come close to having a song she’s even on enter my Ipod. It’s not my thing and I’m waaaaay out of her demographic. But the pure unadulterated hate that I saw was something else. People weren’t just disagreeing, they were writing long winded explanations as to why Beyonce was a terrible person. As if they knew her or something. And that’s the problem. People can’t simply just “not be into it”. Every one feels like their opinion has to be an extreme. I realize this is part of growing up. When I was 22, I had strong opinions on things that didn’t warrant them. I’m sure , if you asked me about Puff Daddy in 98, I would ranted about how he was ruining hip hop culture blah blah blah…but then you get older and you’re like “eh, who cares?”. In the case of the Beyonce haters, these motherfuckers were bringing up her parenting skills, choice of husband/baby name and wardrobe as reasons why she is a piece of human garbage.
The word “hater” gets thrown around a lot and , more often than not, it’s misused. If I tell you I’m not a fan of the music of a particular artist, I’m not hating. That’s just my opinion. If I can vocalize legit reasons as to why that persons music is not to my liking, it’s not hating. Again, it’s an opinion. But if I start explaining the reason I don’t like that artists music by bringing up everything EXCEPT their music? I’m hating. Cause, really, I’m just grasping at anything I can get my hands on to prove my thinly premised point. The second your reason for disliking an artist strays away from their music, you lost me and you also have exposed yourself as a bitter ass hater. Something no one should aspire to be.

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I wrote this after watching a really random interview with basketball coach George Karl. He’s a 60 something year old man and was asked who his favorite rappers were. First off, why? but secondly, what!??!
Anyway, he did what everyone who’s never had a real opinion on the subject has and rattled of the two most famous dead rappers. He’s not alone. It’s a political move done by basically anyone who’s asked that question, ranging from an elderly basketball coach to 99% of rappers in interviews.
This brings up two things
1)It’s bullshit. As someone who grew up during the era, no-fucking-body rode for BOTH these dudes. Not to mention, before he died, Pac was a regional favorite. You could make the same argument for Biggie cause I’m pretty sure, out west and down south, not many people were calling him the best rapper ever. Even after he was killed. So, by throwing both those dudes in your “top 3”, you’re basically playing it as safe as possible while also being totally full of shit.
2)If someone puts BOTH of those guys on their list, that list is made for pandering and that list is not to be trusted. Either that, or they simply are uninformed. Cause, by choosing those two guys, you’re admitting that you were listening to rap from that era, which would make me presume you had heard other rappers…not just those two. Which would lead me to believe that there was a strong chance you’ve heard a better rapper than one or both of those guys. I’ve heard dudes who are 22 years old throw Pac or biggie in their list and I’m like “whaaaaat?”. Not cause I disagree (even though I do, strongly) but cause that means these dudes are basically just going by what was handed down to them by their basic ass elders.
What I’m saying is putting both these dudes in your top 3 is Basic. Like saying Star Wars is your favorite movie or that Mcdonalds has the best hamburgers. It’s not categorically wrong (after all, there are no wrong opinions, just shitty ones) as much as it’s lazy. If you got one of them, then I can see that being real. You’re picking a side. West coast dudes who put Pac in their top three? No doubt. Brooklyn guys who ride for Biggie? Obviously. But both of them? Get the fuck outta here.
For the record, I think Biggie was Awesome. He’s not one of my all time favorites but he’s at least very much in the discussion of “greats”. East coast bias and whatever but let’s not pretend rap didn’t start here and all that. As for Pac? He was okay. He was more a movement than an actual talent as a rapper. He certainly wasn’t bad. Just not great. I’d take a guy like Snoop over him any day and snoop , if you think about it, is the definition of style over substance. But, hey, that’s just me. If you feel obligated to put dead rappers in your top 3 list than more power to you. But to me, deadness doesn’t really come into play when factoring talent and legacy.

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I’m not sure if those ad’s are nation wide…i hope for everyone’s sake they aren’t. But, to clarify, I’m talking about the anti-smoking ads where they show people with holes in their necks, screeching out gurgled words of wisdom like “I wish I quit smoking…” or people with 2 fingers left and one leg that all had to be amputated due to smoking related issues.
Listen, i get it. This is a “scared straight” tactic for smokers. But, here’s the thing…smokers don’t give a fuck. Smokers gonna smoke. How much more shit do you have to put in their face to remind them how terrible that shit is for them before your realize that people generally only quit on their terms. I remember being in europe and they literally had dead fetuses on the cigarette packs…didn’t stop those chimney ass motherfuckers. You know what’s been the most successful way I’ve seen to get people to stop smoking? By jacking up the prices to the point where a dude is smoking 75 cents with every cigarette. Watching people try to bum cigarettes nowadays is on some road warrior shit. But I digress…
I say all that to say this: Those graphic ads are disgusting. I get that , maybe, they’re there to scare kids from even starting. And, honestly, that might work. But, for the rest of us (especially the non-smokers), we gotta sit through those fucking things. Well, we don’t really…i just change the channel. I’m sure everyone does that actually. Why would you not, when those ads are 100X grosser than any horror movie death.
I suppose, if those ads keep one kid from never smoking , they’ve succeeded (which, I’m sure they have) but they’ve also literally made me put down food I was eating and shut my eyes in disgust. Can’t they just show those things in schools or something, cause , I assure you, adults aren’t trying to see or listen to that shit, no matter what side of the coin they are on.

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Let’s start this off by being clear: Iggy Azalea is pretty shitty at rapping. I mean, she can rap, in the sense that she has rhythm and her words rhyme but, artistically, she’s not exactly killing the game. Lie, if you know all the words to an Iggy Azalea verse, I’d be very impressed but also kinda sad for you. Now that that is out of the way, let’s talk about her rapping accent. She is Australian. When you’re from Australia, you tend to have a certain accent. Let’s call it an “Australian accent”. Now, at some point, she moved to the united states and, all of a sudden, she’s up in the trap…She’s a real southern girl! So, when you mix that accent with an australian accent, you have this strange hybrid accent that I like to call “A white girl from australia doing her impression of how southern black american people talk”. I trademarked that so don’t bite it. To put it lightly, it sounds fucking strange. It reminds me of a time I was in Russia and this one dude kept calling me his “Wu-tang nigga!”, even though I’m not affiliated with Wu-tang and, clearly, I have not earned my N-word stripes. To just hear certain types of words and dialects when they are expressed via certain accents, it doesn’t sound or feel right. Azalea’s rapping voice (MUCH different than her speaking voice, btw) sounds like she’s trying as hard as possible to keep her tongue in the back of her mouth cause, if her tongue extends, she won’t be able to stop her natural accent from coming through and might even let a “g’day mate!” slip out uncontrollably..

but when she speaks normally

I realize the “blackcent” is what white rappers do. They have been for decades. Some more naturally than others…but when you got an australian girl rapping like she was raised in the hood in ATL, it’s too much. The only explanation , outside of her being full of shit, is clearly that she gained those powers by ingesting the sperm of enough southern rappers that it shifted her DNA and she gained trap powers. I have no proof of this and , clearly, I made it up but I think there is something to it. Any doctors out there willing to do a study? Holler.

Defending my tweets vol. 7

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Oh, life on the internet is a constant battle. Everything is scrutinized. Nothing is simple. For those reasons, I feel the need to explain myself. I tweet dumb shit, mostly in the form of dumb jokes. Often, these things are misunderstood or just flat out disagreed with. Which is weird cause, in general, they’re not even that inflammatory. So, there is me explaining myself to you. Why? Why not. If nothing else, it allows me to expand on something I couldn’t cover in under 140 characters. Indulge me.

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When you’re a kid, snow is so much fun. It’s whimsical. You’d put on your snow outfit and roll around in it without a care in the world. That whimsy lessens as you gt older but it never really dies. I know, every year, when I see the first snow flakes float down from the sky, I get a warm familiar feeling. From behind a window, snow is the best. Look at it! A soft, white sheet covering everything perfectly. It’s inviting. It looks like the perfect bed you could lay down in and sleep forever. Then you go outside and realize you have to deal with that shit.
Unless you’re skiing, snowboarding or eating it for sustenance, snow fucking sucks in reality. Even worse than snow? Day old snow. Maybe it’s different in places outside of major cities but the second that snow is compromised, it’s a wrap on its glory.
When it snows in NYC, the first few hours have people in a frenzy. 24 hours later you got boots filled with slush, piles of snow covered trash , dog shit infused snow, and old people slipping to their death trying to go to the corner store. Fuck all that noise.
Snow is beautiful. It’s better than rain most of the time. But, unless I’m looking at it through the comfort of my own window, in my toasty apartment, it can go fuck itself.

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Nostalgia is a motherfucker.
Around the time I tweeted this, the internet was ablaze with people hyping up this new Wu-tang album. Everyone was acting as if it was some big deal that they were finally getting back together and giving us what we’ve been waiting for. Hell, my initial reaction was like “Oh cool…” then I thought about it for a second. When was the last time Wu-Tang made a decent album? Say what you will, but anything post “Wu-tang Forever” is , as best, okay (cue Wu-tang fans who will try and convince me that “Iron flag” wa a classic. Please, stop the madness guys). They always got a few great songs and then the rest of the album is generally a mess. I’d say it makes sense cause, as a group, they can barely be in the same room. Of course that’s going to reflect on what they create together. In fact, that’s what I expect from a Wu-tang album now. 2 or 3 good tracks. I’m good with that. But, Wu-tang is an institution. Wu-tang become one of those groups that people accept as cool cause simply they exist, regardless of their connection to the music. The amount of people I’ve seen wearing Wu-tang T-shirts who probably have no clue who Cappadonna or Masta killa are is astounding. For many, Wu-tang isn’t about the music itself, it’s a personal statement they put forth as fans. That statement? “See, I like some good authentic rap music!”. It’s like a rap dude who wears an “Iron maiden” shirt or a 14 year old in a velvet underground shit. They don’t actually know shit about that band but they support whatever it is they stand for. Also, best believe they know every word to “shimmy shimmy ya”.
I don’t doubt they do love the classics. We all do. Wu-tang is responsible for amazing music that should be loved by everyone. But that “blind following” fan base thing is strong with them.
So, when I typed this tweet, the response was half agreement and half “Are you crazy! Wu-tang forever!!!”. The the latter folks, shut up. You can spin it any way you want but a new Wu-tang album isn’t gonna be great. In fact, I’d venture to say the best thing we can do for new Wu-tang stuff is set expectations low. That way, there’s always a chance we will be pleasantly surprised. In fact, I say doing that with life in general leads to way more moments of joy you might otherwise not have.
(Side note: I just remembered that I actually did a whole write up about this very topic back when it happened…oops. Well, this is for the people in the cheap seats I guess)

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This is bigger than how we wipe our asses. Toilet paper, wet wipes, your hand. I don’t care how you do it. We all got the things we are comfortable with. This tweet was more about a much larger problem that personal hygiene.
You can’t say anything opinion based on the internet without someone shoving their two cents down your throat. Sure, this is an open forum where people should voice their opinions but, sometimes, what’s the point? You wanna argue politics? By all means. Let your words be heard. But the second you become that guy that’s vehemently opposing pointless shit like how one man wipes his ass, you’re a dickhead. At least make a joke out of it so we know it’s not that serious to you. Is that too much to ask?
But these nitpickers can find fault in anything. I could tweet “2% milk is my favorite!” and 30 people will scold me for not using almond milk. It’s as if people are waiting on places like twitter and facebook simply to inject their unwanted opinion into every matter under the sun. You’re internet version of a person who sits in a conversation just to speak and not listen. This kind of thing is especially prevalent in anything having to do with new age health related stuff. Those motherfuckers CAN’T WAIT to tell you all about how you’re living your life wrong. Even if they’re right (and they might be, I have no idea) I’m not trying to take advice from a stranger in little prince pants and sandals.
So, maybe I’m okay with wiping my ass with toilet paper. Are wet wipes “better”? Perhaps. Who knows? But more importantly, who cares? It’s my asshole. I can do what I want with it. I’ve gotten this far in life without getting a weird disease from not using wet wipes, I think I’m good. Only an asshole would try and tell me how to treat my own asshole.

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As someone who has watched his fair share of porn, I’m no stranger to ill advised tattoos. Typically, they are on the women and often they’re either some cutesy shit above their pubic hair or the classic tramp stamp. However, no shitty sexual charged tattoo is quite as shitty as when male porn stars get a holster and bullets tatted on their inner thigh.
I realize these guys are professionals and take their job very seriously. Often, artistic pro’s such as these like to express themselves via body art. So, when they sit down in that tattoo parlor the choice seems obvious…OF COURSE they want a holster, gun and bullets on their inner thigh. Their dicks are like guns, guys! Get it? They are weapons to be feared! Obviously! Thing is, outside of porn, this statement is quite bold but also, more that anything, corny.
There are some tell tell signs of terrible men that all women should avoid. For instance, someone who does magic at social gatherings. Avoid that guy. Or a dude that owns a monkey and takes him out socially. Stay away from him. He went the distance in buying an exotic pet entirely with hopes he will be able to fuck dumb girls who are impressed by a dude owning a monkey.
The inner thigh tattoo guy isn’t the same as the monkey guy but he’s worrisome cause he made an extreme life decision based on the love of his own penis. As men, we all love our own penis (well, most of us) but once that love gets taken to inner thigh art levels, just know that you will always be #2. The inner thigh tat guy will never respect a woman more than his own dick. Also, pretty sure he plans to hurt you with that thing so, you know, be careful.

Defending my tweets vol. 6

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It’s time once again for me to defend my tweets. I’m not a controversial dude but the internet is a place of false outrage, thin skin and over reaction. Because of this, i sometimes feel the need to explain that thing I wrote in 140 characters or less. These aren’t all offensive but , at times, things need to be expanded upon. So, with all due respect to Anthony Jesilnik’s idea (i totally stole this from him), allow me to defend my tweets.

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Whenever I see a person wearing a shirt that has a current meme phrase on it, a little part of me dies inside. Not cause it effects me in anyway but more so cause it’s telling of our society. We are so very mediocre. I feel like there was a time when more people were great and more people were complete bottom feeders. We were dealing with more extremes. I don’t know when the switch over happened and the human race became so middling, but someone wearing a t-shirt that says some shit like “If that was your man, he wasn’t last night” is pretty much the four horseman or creativity galloping in. I’m not talking about children wearing this kinda stuff. Not even teenagers. Shit, I had some incredibly awful T-shirts back in the day. I’m talking about fully realized adults. People with jobs and lives. They should know better. Then again, maybe they’re being ironic? That’s another problem. Everyone is so fucking meta it’s hard to tell where someone begins and ends. What I’m saying is can’t we all just wear batman shirts again?
On a different note, do you think the guy wearing a “Come at me, bro” shirt is constantly fighting off people who see the shirt and take it as an invitation? They literally come at him, bro? or better yet…imagine if other dudes just walked up to him and ejaculated all over him. They came at him, bro. No court would convict a person for that in this situation.

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Men stink. We’re stinky. However, it’s our duty to try and cover that up. I know a few dudes who bask in their scent and just let it rip. Some of them actually do really well with the ladies. While they might attribute this to pheromones , I more think it’s that some girls will put up with anything. Girls, on their other hand, don’t typically have that B.O. smell. I mean, sure, you guys can have your scents, but homeless guy armpit is not typically one of them. So, when I happen upon a girl who’s body odor is noticeably all up in the atmosphere from a few steps away, the first thing that pops in my mind is: I bet she uses one of those “All natural” deodorants or that “crystal” deodorant that does absolutely nothing. The second thing that pops in my head is that: If she’s not on top of her arm pit game, imagine what complete disaster her vagina is.
I say this cause, in general, girls are very self conscious. i don’t mean in the “they’re all insecure” way. I mean they are literally aware of themselves and their bodies at all times, for better or for worse. So, you come across a girl who’s armpits reek, that’s the sign of someone who’s given up on ever trying to be be sanitary. I can only imagine her lady parts smell like an overturned garbage truck in chinatown during the month of august. Maybe I’m wrong…but I sure as hell wouldn’t even go in to find out for sure.

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Music writers can be the worst. With so many trends flying in and out of the scene and people desperately trying to seem relevant, the writers are trying just as hard as the artists. The thing is, a lot of these writers/bloggers know better. They’re dudes who were around when the music was actually groundbreaking. But, in the same way old fart rap fans will reject anything that doesn’t sound like their grandpa’s hip hop, other critics will go the other way and try and sell you that EVERY new fad is totally legit. When approached with logic like “Well, the thing is, that rapper is very bad at rapping…like truly terrible…” they’ll respond with some college thesis that basically boils down to “You don’t get the genius of this artist”. Problem is, 9/10 times, they’re referring to some 17 year old who recorded a song for fun on garageband that happen to catch fire on the internet. Perhaps they made a weird video? Who knows. All that matters is that the supporters of this music are breaking sweats trying to justify an opinion that I don’t think even they truly believe in. In other words, they’re trying WAY too hard to seem in the know. Instead of just taking something for what it is. The internet may have hurt music but shit eating, try hard journalists are gonna be the ones who kill it. Well, maybe not kill it…but leave it deformed at the very least.

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I’m not a fat guy but I’m also not skinny. I’m just kinda big. Because of this, I’m truly glad i didn’t have to be a late teen/early 20 year old in the tight cloths era. In my day, it was baggy everything. To ridiculous levels. When I couldn’t find where to get cool baggy jeans, I’d just go to the Gap and buy some 40 inch waist/40 inch length and let it ride. And that didn’t even look crazy back then (a little bunched up, but not crazy). Luckily, the real skinny jean era for men has subsided so the youth can breath a little easier now. But, still, every now and then I’ll see a dude walking down the street, shaped like a pear, adhering to a fashion sense that simply doesn’t work for him. I fully understand wanting to be a part of a scene. Hell, in this homogenized world, standing out and making a statement is a lost art amongst most of our youth. It seems everyone is different int he same way. But sometimes our body shape dictates the cloths we can and cannot wear. I mean, yes, you can wear anything you want. But is it wise? If i have a body like Grimace, complete with man titties and hip haunches , as much as I wanna look cool in my skinny jeans and tight t-shirts, it may be wise to find an alternate. Maybe be one of those oversized sweater wearing guys? Or get some dickies? Or be like a girl in the 90’s and tie a shirt around your waist to hide your fat ass? You do have options. I say all this cause, when i see this guy walking around, his discomfort is palpable. Shit, I feel the same way on a beach and I’m not even that bad. So, pour out a little liquor for tubby men everywhere who were simply born in the wrong era of fashion for their body types. Ten years earlier and these same guys wouldn’t only be comfortable, but they’d even probably get laid a decent amount.

Defending my tweets Vol. 5

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Hi.
I tweet stuff. Sometimes it’s funny. Sometimes it’s dumb. Sometimes it’s just all around bad. Nobodies perfect. But one consistent thing I have to deal with, because of these tweets, is people reacting to them funny. I know how people love to pretend to be offended by jokes made by strangers, so this is my way of explaining myself. In reality, nothing I tweet should ever be taken that seriously. Even if it is harsh (which, admittedly, I’ve toned down on cause, well, dipshits on the internet can’t handle it) it’s never as bad as it seems. So this is my outlet to clear the air.
Truth be told, this should be called “explaining my tweets”. In reality, I’m not really defending as much as i am giving background and going into more detail. But, alas, I’ve already called it what it is and I’m 5 volumes deep so I just gotta roll with it.
So, with all due respect to Anthony Jesilnik, allow me to “defend” my tweets…

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Ever have one of those days when the worst song you can fathom is stuck in your head? I have those all the time. So much so that I think I may just like really bad music and not want to admit it to myself. The day I wrote this tweet, it was snowing like a motherfucker outside. Perhaps I felt the best way to combat the depressing weather was to take myself to a warm place. That place? Inside the mind of the aging Beach Boys.

Kokomo is one of those songs that everyone knows, recognizes it to be terrible yet, it continues to live on. It’s also one of those songs I never really put much though into. Why would I? But , if you think about it for just a moment and listen to the words, this innocent song seemingly about a bunch of dudes in their late 40’s wanting to take you on various vacations takes a turn. A turn to a dark place. A place where five over tanned, sweaty middle aged men , wearing hawaiian shirts opened to expose their bellies hanging over their bermuda shorts are on an erotic mission. A place where you have mistaken their generous offering as them simply being kind boys of the beach…but in reality? You’re on an island with a bunch of drunk creeps. Creeps who can’t wait to fill you with Pina colada’s until you’re too drunk to know whose cabana you’re being taken to. It’s got all the making of the worst orgy of all time. The whole thing is what I’d imagine going to one of those “Hedonism” trips. In fact, I’d be willing to bet Kokomo gets plenty of run in all Hedonism related events.
Thing is, I only got this vibe from this song cause they insist on harmonizing. Five voices as one. The whole thing is revolting to even imagine unfolding. It just goes to show you, sometimes a vacation isn’t worth the trip…

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Twitter can often be a house of mirrors. What you see is rarely what you get. I mean, let’s be honest, the internet ,in general, is like that. We’ve all encountered people from the internet who are the cream of the crop online , in terms of wit and creativity. Sadly, when you meet in person, they’re on some Marty Mcfly shit. With twitter, this kind of thing is magnified cause people are able to be whatever they project. For men, it’s often that we are witty, successful or have big dicks. For women, it’s often being witty, successful or being one of the three professions mentioned in the above tweet. I can’t even count the amount of profile headers I’ve read where people list their profession as literally “Model/singer/actress”. Keep in mind, these are girls who are , at best, waitresses who have been in a student film or two or , at worst, call girls who aren’t tone deaf. It’s kinda like that thing when people put multiple locations in their description to create an illusion of being worldly. Oh, you’re located in NYC, Tokyo and Paris? Of course you are. Even though, in reality, you visited Tokyo once for two weeks and you’re only saying that cause you’re dad is half japanese. But I digress…

The “Model/singer/actress” thing is so crazy cause it’s actually arbitrary. Those three things just sound so good on paper, if you’re a moron. Just cause you’re “capable” of doing something doesn’t mean it’s your career. I’m able to eat very fast, I like playing basketball and I’m good at ping pong. You don’t see “Speed eater/NBA player/Olympic Ping Pong champion” in my profile (Though…reading that back, it would kinda be an awesome header). I realize that projecting the best possible you is part of what social networks are about but have a shred of reality about it. If you’ve never been paid for any of these three things, that makes them hobbies and/or aspirations. Definitely nothing you could put on a resume. Also, sending naked pics to the guy you’re fucking does not make you a model.

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Women get a lot of shit for their slutty halloween costume choices but no one can be sneakier about things than dudes. Without fail, if you see a guy dressed up as any sort of doctor he’s either
1)a lazy costume buyer who picked that shit up at Ricky’s drug store earlier that day
2)A total scum bag with a game plan.

The thing about halloween is that it gives up a chance to embrace our id. I remember, one year, my costume was “A scum bag”. It was this lazy bullshit
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As terrible and thrown together my costume was, I truly got into character. It didn’t hurt that I was kinda drunk but, man, I was a piece of shit. I was like a bad SNL character come to life. My point is that, when you get dressed up, it’s easy to fall into whatever it is you’re looking like. It’s no wonder so many slutty devils get into all sorts of trouble! But those doctors…they got plans for you, girl. For a dude, dressing up like a doctor is like open season on inappropriate touching on ladies. That stethoscope might as well be a license to touch titties.
All that said, you see a dude dressed as a Gynecologist, it’s so over the top that he’s actually kinda funny. I’m not sure how you’d show you’re a gyno (walk around with pap smear tests and stirrups?) but, still, that guy is typically gonna be less of a creep that Dr. Hardon trying to jokingly jam a tongue depressor down your throat. Trust me, he’s definitely taking notes for later and the Doctor Will be in…your mouth.

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Anyone with a twitter or facebook feed knows allllll about how seriously some girls take horoscopes. There are girls who update them daily and other just give links when it applies directly to them. Either way, seeing these things is daily reminder that some people really really wanna believe in made up shit if it, in some way, can give them a direction. By most accounts, these are girls who are intelligent, practical and not at all the type to be living in delusion. But, somehow, horoscopes slipped through the cracks of logic for these women. So much so that if you question it, the reaction is rabid. In fact, me just writing the above paragraph will most likely result in actual angry comments from horoscope loving females or quiet disdain from girls I actually know who , without fail, put stock in this kind of nonsense. Well, to both groups, i say sorry…but you also realize how crazy you seem when you believe this shit, right? Just checking.

I’m not a guy who has ever gone out of my way to say mean things to girls faces. I’m actually pretty sensitive to that kind of thing (contrary to how this blog may read). If I called a girl a bitch to her face, she undoubtedly deserved it. But the few times I have done that, the reaction was nothing compared to when I’ve casually rolled my eyes at horoscopes in conversations. Before the anger sets in, they typically try to justify it by telling me my own horoscope or using my astrological sign (I’m a libra, yall!) as a way to deflect that i think it’s all bullshit. Once that is dismissed. Things tend to heat up a little more, to the point where they’re visibly mad and don’t wanna talk about it any more. I’m pretty sure I’ve ruined girls nights over this topic. But you know, what? If they had read their horoscope that day, they maybe would have seen it coming.

Defending my tweets vol. 4

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Twitter keeps me on my toes. Not in the sense that I’m always saying sharp witted things but more that I’m always awaiting the next flood of offended people taking my words the wrong way. It’s part of the game I suppose. Because of this, I started doing this column a little while back. It’s blatant rip off of a skit of “The Jesilnik offensive” and I’m okay with that. That show got cancelled and I do this for free with no plans of stopping. I win. So, here are some tweets I did that garnered mixed reactions and my explanations/defense of them. In the end, just know that everything I tweet should be read while smirking and giving an occasional wink. That’s my vibe. I swear.

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So, this day, I was watching “Catfish”. If you don’t know about “Catfish”, shame on you…but also read the first part of this:https://phatfriend.com/2013/01/23/mtv-is-kinda-doing-things-right-now/
On this particular episode, a guy got “catfished” by an obese girl pretending to be a hot girl. Shocking, I know. This girl was a good 300 pounds. When asked why she felt the need to lie, instead of saying she was self conscious about her wieght and looks, she opted to blame the media. Yup, she said something like “Well, with the unfair standards the media sets for women, I didn’t feel comfortable blah blah blah”. Now, I’m not about fat shaming. I know how fucked up life can be if you’re fat. However, there’s a difference between being fat and being obese. As annoying as I find Lena Dunham at times, her stance on body image is not without some validity. Sure, she could exercise and actually not look like a bean bag chair with legs but that’s not her point. Her body is hers , there’s nothing inherently wrong with it and people just have to accept that. But the thing is, she’s in a situation where she’s not too overweight it’s a danger to her life. Her heart will keep pumping for the foreseeable future. Basically, she’s doing her and has every right to. The media may give her shit about showing off her “not particularly attractive” body but that’s her right to do so if she pleases (and, boy, does she please). But this 300 pound mouth breather on catfish? Nah. Sorry, girl, you’re about 100 pounds past blaming the media. Yes, the media does set unfair body standards for young women to follow. Without question. But i don’t think you get to complain when you’ve thrown in the towel on a level so dire you could drop dead trying to open a jar of pickles. You lose all right to point fingers when things get that far our of hand.
Her blaming the media for being fat is like a one inch dick guy blaming porn for him having a small dick or a drug addict blaming his dealer for selling him drugs. She woulda been that way no matter what. Now, if she had a glandular issue or something of that nature, that’s a valid excuse (she apparently did not, cause I was waiting for her to mention it). But simply sitting around all day like a sleepy manatee and eating everything in sight is not okay. Don’t bring the media into your unhealthy life habits. If you’re overweight and feel the pressure of society on you, that’s one thing. You can accept it and live you life or try and fix that. either way, your own personal health should be your responsibility. Not the medias. But if you’ve given up on a level so deep that you’ve accepted you will never set eyes on your own genitals again, that’s on you. Put the fast food down and get off your ass. Or don’t! Just don’t point the finger at some invisible thing that has nothing to do with you and your shitty life choices.

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You walk around any metropolis and you’ll often see the glory that is physically mismatched couples. Sure, sometimes you’ll happen across a strapping young man who, for some reason or another, found a life partner in a human aardvark of a lady BUT more often than not, it’s the other way around. A beautiful girl with a true catfish (the fish not the show). This is especially common in hipster neighborhoods. Where pixie faced girls are being duped world wide by chinless, chubby losers who happen to be able to grow a beard and wear glasses. It’s like some sort of alternative Groucho Marx costume that gets you laid.
This fashion swing leading to normally less than attractive dudes getting ass is nothing new. Back in the baggy jeans era, tubby wiggers everywhere were getting over simply by wearing huge jeans and growing a razor thing chin strap beard that created the illusion of them having a jaw line. Now, beards are what are hot in the streets and those guys are raking it in. To be clear, I’m not even mad. I don’t have a beard but I certainly rock some stubble. When cleanly shaven, I look like a baby white whale. I get why it’s a thing. The fact of the matter is, if you have decent eyes but the rest of your face is suspect, you can cover it all up with hair and your problem is solved. It still kinda baffles me how so many girls loved this (as I’d imagine kissing a dude with a beard must not feel great) but, then again, girls have always been willing to overlook physical downsides of men for their greater good. Us dudes are generally very much about the surface, when we meet girls. But, if you work at a coffee shop with a cute girl long enough, grow that beard out long enough and get the right frames for your glasses, anything is possible. It’s actually quite uplifting.

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Doing these “demo reviews” have been a miserable yet enlightening experience. It’s like a peak behind a curtain and have no interest in peaking behind. I think I wrote this tweet after a particularly rough week of reviews and it was met with a whole lot of “Actually…”‘s , which on twitter is pretty much the golden standard for someone being a dipshit. It’s the bored know it all contrarians go to phrase.
Well, this is defend your tweet so lemme do that…
I think all beat makers who sample have to start somewhere. We don’t all have great sample sources at our fingertips. I know, for the first few years of my beat making life, I was at the will of my parents record, tape and cd collection. Which meant i sampled nothing but jazz. opera and classical music. I did this not cause i wanted to but cause I had to. I definitely went through a stage of sampling classical songs. It was then when I learned that
a)when you sample classical music, all your songs sound kinda the same. Dramatic strings. The thing about sampling genres of music based mostly on one or two instruments, is that it’s limiting. If I buy a Klezmer album to sample, best believe I’m gonna get a dope sample out of it…but it’s only gonna be one sample cause all the other samples will sound kinda the same.
b)Some classical songs are extremely well known and, while they are public domain, you can’t sample a standard. Not in the legal sense, but in they “hey listen to this awesome Bach loop, son” kinda way. A lot of sampling is about the context in which you use the materials. There simply is no right context for sampling a well known classical standard.
To any producer who strives to get better, these two things become clear quickly and you abandon classical music forever AKA you grow out of it. To a less savvy beat maker though, you just keep plugging away and making shitty sounding , heavy string based, beats that only rappers who “spit fire” 1998 style would ever wanna touch.
Also, no one should eat Mcdonalds every day by choice. That’s not the way to live.

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This one is all about wording and how people love to misinterpret personal taste with intolerance. The thing about tweeting brain farts into the ether is that you forget that people will literally see a small part of the phrase and , based entirely off that, blow a gasket. Case in point, I mention “women with underarm hair”. Now, the entire point of this tweet is me saying “eh, it’s not for me” while also saying “hey, do what you want with your body”. Pretty simple. I’m not chastising girls who prefer to let the underarm hair fly in the wind. I’m simply stating that it’s not up my alley, in terms of what gives me boners. There’s no anti-feminist agenda with this one. But, of course, one cannot write something like this without people flying off the handle about it. I kinda knew it would happen and it did. Kinda. It honestly wasn’t that bad but the people who did take offense, took a lot of offense. So, just to be clear…Just cause I don’t find your underarm hair attractive doesn’t mean you’re gross to the world. I am but one man. It would be like me getting mad at a girl who says she doesn’t like guys who wear sneakers and hats. It might sting a little but I’d accept the loss and realize that not everyone likes everything and I’d definitely not take it as a personal attack on me. We all make life choices with how we present ourselves. If you are a lady and don’t feel like tending to your underarm hair, good for you. I support you in your life choice. It’s just not for me personally. Hey, I don’t snowboard either…but me not snowboarding isn’t a grand statement against dudes who wear beanies and goggles who give strange pounds when you meet them. Know what I mean?
But , really, underarm hair is pretty gross guys. I don’t know how you girl deal with our disgusting hairy man bodies. God bless your souls.

Defending My Tweets Vol. 3

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With news of “The Jesilnik Offensive” being cancelled, it would appear that I am now sole proprietor of the “Defending my tweets” franchise. Such a lucrative franchise!
Nah, just kidding. As Always, I 100% admit to taking this idea from that show and running with it. I like to think my way is different from his but that’s really not the point.
In case you’re confused, this is where I post tweets I made and explain myself. Often, I will tweet things that result in the sound of crickets or people getting mad about something that was clearly a joke. This is my defense. Court is in session, i guess?

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There are a few scents that exist in the world that are as recognizable and powerful as a whiff from a Mcdonald’s bag. I’d say human shit, weed smoke, sulfur and burning tires round out the top five.
I dunno if this is a New York thing (I’d imagine it’s common anywhere subways exist) but people LOVE eating on the trains. Any person who’s rode the subway in NYC has a story of that guy who ate that disgusting thing (Fried Fish and rice…really?) in the middle of a packed train car without a fuck remotely given. However, Mcdonalds owns this. Partially cause of how common it is but more so cause of how pungent it is. If I go into a full train car with a closed bag of MCdonalds (it truly doesn’t matter what’s in the bag. It could be a hamburger, mcnuggets or a fucking salad. The smell remains) and flash open the bag for 3 seconds, within a minute everyone in that train car will
a)be aware someone is eating MCdonalds
b)Smell like they just got finger blasted by the Hamburglar

Thing is, While i can’t be putting that shit in my body, I won’t front…smelling that scent strangely makes me want to go cop a 20 piece of nuggets and quietly wipe my fat tears up with them as i go through 3 containers of BBQ sauce. In a strange why, that smell is equal parts the worlds best promotion and a clear reason to never eat the food again. Either way, the sadness cloud looms.

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Hollywood likes to get raging boners for certain comedic actors. 5/10 times it’s a success. For every Danny Mcbride or Kristen Whig, there are guys like Yahoo Serious and that guy who was in that Ping pong movie that no one saw.
Recently, they’ve been pushing Rebel Wilson on us pretty hard. They put her in 5 movies and gave her a TV show on ABC (I think…it’s one of the networks). Here’s the thing…she’s not funny. Well, lemme correct that…she does one thing really well. That thing is playing a dead eyed slob who says grossly sexual stuff which is shocking to people cause she’s an obese woman. OH MY GOD! That is a character she excels in. Thing is, the range on that kinda character is only good for say, i dunno…3 scenes in a movie? Considering this character peaked in her first big break in “bridesmaids” I’d say she’s not exactly franchise material.
However, I’m assuming she tested through the roof somewhere cause you can’t keep her off the screen now.
I feel a little bad shitting on her cause this isn’t really her fault. This is her doing her thing. No shame in that. More to blame are the hollywood tastemakers who decide to crown her queen so quickly. I can’t help but think it has everything to do with her being obese and sexually charged. It’s as if hollywood can pat itself on the back for letting one of these slip through a year so as to not seem totally vapid and make up for all the Jessica Alba’s in the world.
Sadly, this will end how it always does. Unless Wilson reveals some hidden character range no one knows about, her dimly lit candle will burn out like so many before her. I just hope she’s saving all her money.
Cause *insert fat food related joke* doesn’t come cheap, AMIRITE?!?!?

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A common thing that happens on Twitter is you’ll stumble across someone who has like 50,000 followers (that’s a lot) and seemingly does nothing in life. Sure, they’re involved in an email account with the word “media” in the title but, outside of that, if you were to google them, only their twitter account would come up. It’s as if they only exist on twitter (and their moms house). When I see these types I assume they did that thing where you pay someone 50 bucks and 20,000 bots to “follow” your profile. While that is beyond pathetic it’s also understandable as you’d be amazed how seriously some people take twitter followers counts. I’m talking about that shit effecting whether you get a freelance gig or not. You can literally put it on your resume. Side note: If you’re hiring anyone based of social network followers or “likes” , I’m pretty sure your business will not be around a year from now.
Anyway, another aspect of this is people who are “twitter famous”. With this, you generally have two types. Funny motherfuckers who make the world a better place (guys like Kid Mero and Desus) and girls who show their tits. The Former are selfless humorists for the people who basically gain their followings by doing them. People follow them cause they deserve to be followed and, sometimes, this notoriety will lead to actual career changes. Basically, it’s the american dream at work for the year 2013. The latter though…Not sure what’s going on with that. I get that guys will follow a hot girl who posts nude selfies. That makes sense. It’s weird, considering how easily accessible porn is, but I understand. However , often, these “models” won’t even be posting pics. Just daily reminders of why twitter “models” are some of the dumbest human beings living. They either spend their day tweeting arbitrary complaints about whoever it is they’re fucking at the moment and their invisible “haters” or , even worse, get their Oracle on and try and drop philosophical jewels. There are few things I need to hear less than words of wisdom from a 21 year old girl who’s gotten by in life 100% because she’s a hot piece of ass. Who could have less perspective on things that that person? I dunno…a celebrities son? A boy in bubble? Tough call.
All this come down to is a bunch of people basing their importance on the concept that a bunch of strangers read every waking thought they have…that’s fine and all, as that’s the point of twitter on some level. But if you’re more concerned with the statistics of social networks than the actual usefulness of it, you’re in trouble. And if you go a 3 digit bank account but a 5 digit twitter following, you might wanna try and rethink everything you’ve ever strived for.

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When I initially tweeted this, a friend of mine wrote me “What was that about?”. This is a very specific thing and , actually, having this forum to explain it is crucial.
As you get older, playing casual sports goes one of two ways. You either give up on it or it becomes a weekly escape from your life. For me, I play basketball a few times a week in organized runs. I’m not bullshitting you when I say that I look forward to those games more than anything else I do all week. Aside form loving to play, the much needed exercise is a bonus. It’s also an alternate world from my day to day. I see people I only know via basketball, we shoot the shit…it’s very much it’s own thing. We’re all a bunch of dudes in our 30’s just taking time out of your weeks to unwind. I don’t wanna say it’s a boys club, but let’s be honest…it is. It’s invite only. The list is tight. No outsiders.
Well, every now and then there will be an intruder. For some unknown reason there is a breed of man who will willingly bring his girlfriend to watch the run. This is horrible for all parties involved as, for the girl, watching mediocre guys play basketball may be only slightly more boring than sitting in a dentists office reading back issues of Highlights magazine. For the guys, it’s just uncomfortable. The boyfriend/husband typically will try to have the game of his life while the rest of us are curbing the typical foul guy talk that goes on out of respect for the girl.
Thing is, regardless of why she’s there, both people involved are to blame. By doing this, she’s saying “Hey guy, fuck your time…I need to be with you every waking minute of every day and there’s nothing you can do about it!”
Even worse is that he lets it happen. Surely an explanation of “yeah honey, guys don’t really bring their girlfriends to this…ever” would work. But no…any guy who allows this to happen is a spineless bitch. And any girl that strong arms her man into bringing her is a piece of shit. You don’t see guys tagging along to spa trips with her girlfriend and her friends. It doesn’t make sense. As humans, we need to have our own things we do. Being a couple doesn’t mean you have to be connected at the hip. The second the ability to be independent is lost, you’re in a whole lot of trouble.
In this case, you’re either dealing with a pussy whipped loser, a man who’s spirits have been trampled, an extremely needy girlfriend or a manipulative shrew. Or a mish mash of those things.
And to the people reading this thinking “Well, maybe he really wants her there!” Fair point but also get the fuck outta here with that bullshit.
While , I’m sure that has happened at some point in time in the history of the universe (Surely some show off type who needs to validate his manliness to his girl), it’s such a small % it’s not even worth seriously addressing.

Defending My Tweets Vol. 2

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There comes a time in every mans life where he must stand up and speak for what he believes in. There also comes a time when he just jokes around on the internet and humorless assholes get upset. This is about the latter.
I’m a guy who likes to joke around on the internet. Often, my jokes (funny or not) cause anger or confusion in people. This is not my intention but, hey, it’s also unavoidable. People love to be outraged nowadays. Even more, they love to pretend to give a shit about things that don’t matter. I could make a tweet slighting toaster overs and someone will have something to say about it. That’s just how this all works. So, in an effort to explain myself, I’ve ripped off an idea for the Anthony Jesilnik show. Simple stuff really. I just defend my tweets. Tell you why I said them and exactly what I meant. In most cases, this is totally unnecessary but you’d be amazed at the things people have issues with. So, please, allow me to defend myself.

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I’m a man who travels a lot. I’m in hotels all the time. I can tell you how , the cheaper the hotel, the better chance your internet is free. I can tell you that a “Continental breakfast” can mean anything from a person in a chef hat making free omelettes to warm orange juice and and stale corn muffin. Most of all, I can tell you how they design to hotel room to have as few power sources as possible. That shit will never not baffle me, as I sit on the bathroom floor charing my ipod, cellphone and laptop from the socket next to the sink.
But, one thing I’ve always noticed is the nicer hotels always have the good bathroom spread. Some have a special bar of soap just for your body and separate face soap. I don’t even have that in my own bathroom.
Now, those types of places will always have some nice skin lotion. If you’re a certain type of man, you see skin lotion and it’s prime usage is not keeping your face moisturized. No, us non-dry guys have our own moisture based agenda. Little secret: We masturbate with it.
Another little secret: Porn helps masturbation.
Yet another little secret: Having internet = watching porn.
The road is a lonely place. But, even if it wasn’t, I’d still probably masturbate. It’s a great way to pass time, guys. Also, it feels good.
So, that particular day I made that tweet, I was in a hotel with fantastic bathroom amenities. But, they were charging for internet. Strangely, some of these fancy pants hotels tend to have a $15 daily charge for the internet. I can afford that but I have my principals. One of those is to never pay for internet outside of my home. To some of you, this might not even register as an issue. But my imagination has long been burned out from years of over stimulation and , you know, a dude needs help he can only find on the internet. Basically, it’s like having water but no cup. You can drink it if you have to but a cup would be a game changer. I think , on that particular day, I went thirsty. Damn you fancy hotels and your costly masturbation taxes.

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As you get older, your facebook feed gets lamer and lamer. More cats, more food and, most of all, more babies. I think babies are cute and , if I’m actually friends with a person, I don’t mind seeing their pics. However, on Facebook, all your friends aren’t really your “Friends”. Some are acquaintances. Others are friends of friends. And some are girls you and few of your friends used to have drunken sex with who, at some point in life, would have blown a homeless man for a speck of cocaine. I don’t know what it is about these girls but, even when they seem to have their life together, they can’t seem to ever fully get it right.
To see these ladies get older, get married and have kids is a strange phenomenon that really never existed before social networks. While my first reaction to seeing this person , who I once knew at her lowest moment in life, now holding a new born baby is “Noooooooooo!” , it’s safe to say that, for the most part, a lot of these girls have left that shit behind them and are in a much better place. But, still, some things never die. Many of those “things” are put on display when they post pics of themselves giving ducklips in their bathroom mirror ,mid-twerk, wearing a bra and panties. As a stand alone thing, this is fine. It’s incredibly vein and corny, but fine in the sense it’s not hurting anyone. But you post those kinda pics and then follow them up with pics of your 2 year old kids looking adorable in their halloween costume…you’re simply sending mixed messages. I’m not saying mothers need to all cut their hair short and become asexual beings the second the baby pops out but there should be something that clicks in ones head that says “Hey, maybe take it easy on the erotic selfies for a bit.” There’s a difference between reclaiming your sexual prowess post baby and acting like a stupid teenaged whore (especially when you’re in your 30’s). It’s pretty much something a girl on that MTV show “Teen moms” would do. And if there was ever a code I’d implore ladies to live by it would be “Whatever you think a Teen Mom would do, do the opposite of that”.

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“Oh, the dicks you will see” would be the title of that book.
Holy shit. I’m new to the whole gym culture thing. I pretty much only go to play basketball so my time in the locker room is brief. But never before have I been assaulted by some many flopping cocks in my life (Which is a good thing, I suppose). You walk in the gym and it’s just sea of elderly men not giving a fuck. I’ve changed in a locker room before. I always assumed the rule of thumb was to be quick and non-intrusive about it. Meaning, if you’re fresh out the shower, dry yourself off quickly and put some fucking pants on. On this particular day, I saw a man disrespect the rules on a level I had never seen before. This guy came out the shower, towel wrapped around his waist. Good start, cause lots of these dudes just slow roll around the locker room totally naked. I wasn’t really watching closely cause, well, that’s both rude and not something I need to see. However, the next time I glanced over, this guy had a T-shirt on, but was totally bottomless, and was standing there talking to some dude, dick hanging, with his leg propped up on a stool. It was as if he was in the worst Captain Morgans commercial of all time. Who puts the shirt on first????!?!? Why!??!!?!?!? The dude he was talking to was noticeably uncomfortable but it didn’t phase lil’ half naked at all. Just a complete disregard for all the rules of engagement on so many levels. Rule #1 in the locker room should be: Put your cock away in a timely manor
What are we? cavemen?

Defending my tweets

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All respect due to comedian Anthony Jeselnik, as this whole thing is a bit from his show, but I got my reasons.
Everyday, I tweet dumb shit. It’s what I do. It’s never serious and usually based on something I noticed in a flash and just blurted out. After all, Tweets are your brains wet farts in 140 characters or less. The thing is, I make the mistake of thinking everyone understands this. I’m not some politician making important statements. Nothing I say on twitter REALLY matters. Not even to me. So, while there is a bit of truth to everything I say, it’s also generally tongue in cheek with a knowing sense hyperbole and me knowingly saying “I’m being an idiot right now”. I say all this cause , a few times a week , I end up arguing over some nonsensical tweet I wrote with someone on the internet. While it often is on twitter itself, 9/10 times, it’s on Facebook (My tweets automatically post on my artist page). People on Facebook, I love you but you are also some of the most humorless, over reacting douche bags on the planet. It’s as if some of you sit by your computer in the morning , with a hot cup of coffee, and just scroll the internet looking for shit to get upset about. Well, the good news is, it’s the internet. Finding upsetting things is pretty easy. I suggest googling “Krokodil” or perhaps “Animal torture” if you’re really feeling that desire. However, my tweets? At their worst, they should be treated like mosquito in the forest. Swat them away and keep it moving.
So, with all that in mind, I figured it might be fun to post some tweets I’ve done and explain myself. Give a little background on the origin of those tweets and, perhaps, give some of you sour patch ass facebook people a look inside to what goes into these tweets that cause you to write stupid shit like “Why aren’t you making music right now?!?!?!” or “#firstworldproblems”. Speaking of which, those two comments are the worst and, if you’ve made them to anyone , you should be ashamed of yourself. It’s 2013 , people, lets at least be original with our complaints.
But I digress, allow me to defend my tweets.

Drag

Like most tweets of mine, this one began on my couch, watching TV, with my laptop sitting in my lap, killing all my sperm slowly but surely. I was watching the new Britney Spears video. It got me thinking about that thing where pop stars hit that certain point (or “age”) in their career where they must choose a path. While some may stay the course and just keep churning out the same crap they have since they were teens, some realize “Hey, I got a fan base here that will be with me till I die…lemme ride with that.” That fan base? The GLBT community. Well, not so much the lesbians but still. But if you replace them with drag queens , it’s perfect. While fickle teen fans come and go and follow different trends, the gays got your back. They are loyal like a motherfucker. I think a lot of artists see what Lady Gaga has done and , all of sudden, a light bulb goes off and they embrace that they could in fact be the Cher of the future. Britney has realized it. Even Christina Aguilera. Madonna BEEN doing it but she also tries really hard to stay current by doing awful dubstep songs and making trap music. Rest assured, when the smoke clears, no 15 year old girl is trying to listen to a 55 year old mom tell them how to dance. Her gay fanbase though? Will be vogueing with her to the grave.
Now, the humor of this for me is the idea of shifting your energy from making music for teenaged girl (and masturbating boys) to hardcore dance party gays. Well, really, the humor is how close in taste these two groups are. It’s like a chromosome away, musically. All it takes to switch over is to make the songs all about the dancing and , when you make your video, look “fierce” in it. I’m pretty sure “Fierce” means caking your grill with enough make up to kill a dozen experiment monkeys.

hockey

I wrote this yesterday and it dawned on me during a cab ride. I was in Pittsburgh and the cabbie was a white dude from Pitt, in his late 30’s. He had the thick accent, wore sunglasses during the day (while driving) and loved him some sports. That’s fine, as I can speak that language if needed. However, something I’ve noticed, and it’s very particular to places where lots of fat people eat mostly fried foods, is that I often come across Hockey fans who show a noticeable recoil of disgust when you bring up basketball to them. This cabbie was going on about his fantasy football league and I told him I play in a fantasy Basketball league. The entire tone of the ride changed. “Oh…basketball? I might play it but I’m not watching all that…” he responded , as it felt like he was sucking his teeth to keep from dropping an N-bomb on me. He told me that hockey was his #1 sport of choice and I told him that, while NYC has teams, it’s not exactly something we play so it was never a sport I could get into. He clearly wasn’t giving a shit about that but jumped right back into how basketball is a bunch of whiny rich “guys” with no respect.(side note: SPORTS is a bunch of whiny rich guys with no respect. Not just the black ones with the fancy suits) This motherfucker even said he used to like it back when Bird was playing but gave up after that. Damn son. The thing is, this visceral reaction to basketball from Hockey fans is something I’ve seen countless times. And , much like a dude who categorically hates all soul music, I can’t help but think there is some throbbing racism tucked away in their hearts.

Now, cause I posted this on Facebook, I had to clarify that “No, not all hockey fans are racist” cause, you know, clearly that’s not what I meant, right? People love dealing in extremes. My only regret is that I didn’t write “SOME Hardcore hockey fans” cause that little word can often be the difference between an argument and someone letting it go cause “Maybe he’s not talking about me!”

Feet

Admittedly, this is me trolling. While I do totally believe that dudes with foot fetishes are weird, what i know to be even more true is that dudes with foot fetishes are EXTREMELY sensitive about their fetish. and ,to me, that is HILARIOUSSSSS. The idea of getting so worked up over something like that is amazing and , really, adding gas to the flame is always a good time. I wrote a piece on this blog a year or two back about how no men should ever wear open toed shoes in an urban setting. The result was feedback like I had just called jesus a faggot in church. Seriously, to this day I still get comments on that post from angry men who love their toes. So, when I wrote this one, I definitely had those fucking losers in mind.
Now, the problem here is explaining to people that, while I think they’re creeps, it’s also not my job to tell people what they can and cannot do. If you can only achieve an orgasm via a foot job and it’s not hurting anyone, go for it. You are entitled to live your life the way you like and if you can find a like-minded soul willing to lube up their foot arches for some good old-fashioned love making, more power to you. But, at the same time, I’m allowed to think it’s funny and creepy that you fuck feet..Or that you simply google actresses feet and stare at them longingly. Both these behaviors are “fine” but that doesn’t mean I am not allowed to find humor in them. Sorry. I do. It’s feet. There is nothing sexual about them (to me). At best, you should not be grossed out by them. That’s like being attracted to knee caps. Why? how? But, only god can judge us, right? still, I’m pretty sure god is not busting nuts to shots of Malin Ackerman’s toes uncomfortably stuffed into 6 inch heels. (god probably is more of a POV kinda guy, right?)
Side note: a good sign that you’re into something that might be creepy is if ONLY men are into that thing. Men, by and large, are low lives like that. While I’m sure they exist, I am yet to come across the female foot fetishist. Cue people leaving contrarian comments about the girl they dated who loved sucking their toes.

health

It’s impossible to make a joke online about a topic like this without opening the flood gates for people to be like “I know you’re joking but lemme hip you to the realities of the situation” what follows is a dissertation written in my facebook comments about the health care system. Truth be told, I pretty much always skip those comments. Not cause I don’t care but cause…well…nah, it’s cause I don’t care. I’m sure valid points are made but I just don’t have time to read some shit of depth responding to my obviously dumb joke/comment. If i wanted a dialogue on any serious topic, I’d approach it seriously. Which i never do…so, you know, maybe that’s telling you guys something.
The origin on this one came from me feeling under the weather. I do have health insurance but , still, I’m not trying to go to the doctor unless I absolutely have to. Because of this mind-set, I live by the “Eh, let’s wait and see if it goes away” code. That particular week, I had a sore throat. With my health history, that could mean I just have a sore throat, of I have Strep for the 4th time. I had this tour coming up and really didn’t want to be sick while i was on the road so I strongly considered going to doctor to get it checked out. However, in the end, I opted to just wait and see. Luckily for me, it wasn’t anything and I felt better 3 days later. But, it got me thinking about how many people must do the same shit as me, without health insurance…and how often that must go terribly wrong. Thus the “80% mortality rate” part. This one was a little bleak , but still, not THAT serious. My Facebook comments read like a fucking medical journal written by hippies. Just kidding, I love you guyzzzzzz.

Kesha

This one was literal. Like I can’t imagine her vagina looks like anything else. Perhaps a trash compactor? Oscar the grouches throat? Regardless, this one popped up when I saw a bunch of pics she had posted on her instagram. She was in underwear and covered in glitter. It’s not even so much that I think of her as slutty (cause there’s nothing wrong with that in my eyes), I more just look at her face and see someone with a really gross vagina. At it’s best, it’s a sloppy outie. Too much? sorry. Hi mom!