Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 51

Summer is here and what better way to spend your day than making up scenarios involving the free will of other people?
Yes, this is “Fuck/marry/kill”. The same game awful frat guys play but with a twist. As always, I must remind people this is a joke and not meant to be taken seriously in any way. If you think something like this might offend you, it probably will. Even though the majority of options aren’t even real things/people but I know how people can get.
Also, if you got any creative options for me to use in a later editions, leave them in the comment section. As you can see from this weeks edition, it can really be anything. Follow your heart!

F/M/K:A 26 year old Smurf chick, A 26 year old Fraggle Rock chick, A 26 year old Daria

Marry: Smurf
I appreciate the age specification here cause, you know, wouldn’t wanna be creepy about possibly fucking something 3 apples high in size. Oh wait…that’s impossible. That will always be creepy. It’s not like Smurfs hit 18 and and all of a sudden men all over breath a sigh of relief cause they can FINALLY get some of that legal smurf trim. No, Smurfs are literally too small to have sex with. But, then again…So are Fraggles. They’re a little bigger than Smurfs but still smaller than your average toddler so there’s not way I’m even considering sex with either of them. So, this leaves me in a strange position. It comes down to who I’d rather share a loveless/sexless marriage with. In my eyes, a smurf seems like the clear choice. They’re a docile bunch (minus the grumpy one) and generally seem like they’re good people. Sure, it would be a marriage of convenience but the alternate is a little too crazy for me. Like Animal from the Muppet show but a female and smaller. I wouldn’t even want that as a pet.

Fuck: Daria
Daria wins (is have sex with me a victory here? I kinda doubt it) by default. She’s the only one here who’s
1)age matters (high school daria would be off limits, obviously)
2)is a real human (albeit in cartoon form)
3)has a vagina that’s proportionate to an adult male (I’m assuming).
Sure, the reality of sex with Daria might , in fact, be the worse sex on the planet but this isn’t about that. It’s about justice. It’s about me not murdering someone via the act of making love. I gotta hand it to who ever come up with these options…you’re a fucked up person. God, I’m shivering at the thought of the cutting remarks Daria might way during sex. Not sure if my ego could even handle that. I’ve never had someone roll their eyes at me during sex but I have a feeling that’s right in Daria’s wheelhouse.

Kill: Fraggle
As discussed above, it was her or the smurf. She’s a wildling. She’s too small. She’s…a fraggle. At least the doozers are cute and would make good pets. Fraggles are like jungle hippies. Aside from the already stated issues with sex/marriage to a fraggle, I feel like they probably got weird diseases that could wipe out humanity if exposed sexually. We just can never be too sure. So, fraggle gon’ die tonight.

Audio edition: Vinyl, Cassette, CD

Kill: Cassettes
Listen, I know it’s all cool and shit to have cassettes now. They’re seemingly making a comeback for some unknown reason but lemme tell you whipper snappers something. I grew up with cassettes. I own 1000’s of them. They are, without question, the worst type of way to listen to music. From sound quality, to ease of use, to convenience, they lose every time. You never hear someone bragging about “Cassette quality” or hear someone say “i just like the warm sound of cassettes”. Nope. Cause they’re the worst. And, again, I have literally every album I’ve ever loved pre-2000 on cassette. It was how I listened to music my entire youth…but sometimes , times change for the better. Cassettes were a thing and they were fine when they were our best option…but it’s not 1988 anymore. Let it go. They can die now.

Fuck: Vinyl
I’m sure this pick horrifies some of you purists but let me explain. In terms of sound and feel, Vinyl is the best. There’s no question. People out here freaking out about CDQ tracks and bit rates but, to me, the warmth of vinyl is real and truly does bring out a sound in music that’s all it’s own. That said, it’s just not practical. If i wanna go for a walk to the store, I can’t strap on a record player and bump my newest vinyl. If I’m traveling, i can’t bring stacks or records for the plane, to play on my battery powered record player (I mean, i could but I’d be the fucking worst human being ever if i did that). Vinyl is situational. MUCH LIKE SEX. So, to me, it’s the clear choice. Also, it’s got that hole in the middle…shout out to 45’s, you the real MVP.

Marry: Cd’s
I don’t love cd’s. But , of the three choices they’re the right choice. You can travel with them, they sound good, you can fit a bunch into a small carrying case. You don’t need to flip sides or manually move anything to get to a new song. Sure, they’re bulky and finding a discman in 2016 would be both difficult and humbling but it’s still the best option of optimal music listening. I’m not saying cd’s are perfect. They get scratched. They’re not super reliable. But, at their best, they were how music in the future were envisioned before people figured out how to make music invisible and fit inside our phones.

SNL edition: Rachel Dratch, Ana Gasteyer, Molly Shannon

Marry: Molly Shannon

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, (Mary Katherine Gallagher), Molly Shannon, 1975-present.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, (Mary Katherine Gallagher), Molly Shannon, 1975-present.

She’s always been awesome to me and, by default, she’s the one I’m most attracted to. I dunno if that’s a good enough reason to throw a ring on someones finger but i’ve seen people do it for worse reasons, right?
There’s a manic energy to Molly shannon that definitely kinda scares me but I feel, there’s a chance, that could work in our favor as a couple. I’m pretty level and easy going. She’s high energy and unpredictable. Perhaps our two energies would balance perfectly. Of it would be a total disaster. But , hey, that’s marriage, right?

Kill: Rachel Dratch
I’m a fan of Dratch as well…and it does feel very shallow to put her down but I really don’t know what else to do with her here. She’s funny and weird, but so are the other two options. Sadly, this comes down to the most basic level of the game and that is: attraction. Yup…that’s all it is. Dratch is Dratch. The name says it all. I don’t wanna have to kill her , in this entirely made up and ridiculous scenario, but she’s as close to a muppet as a human can get and , as i stated earlier, i cannot have sex or marry a muppet in good conscience.

Fuck: Ana Gasteyer
This is one of those default choices as well. I think the saving grace here is that Gasteyer is a dynamic performer. She can be so many different characters that, perhaps, one of them would be a girl who wants to have sex with me and vice versa. Is that doable? I dunno. I’m not even sure she’s attracted to men, to be honest but here we are. Fuck/marry/kill is all about compromise and pretending. In the case of Gasteyer and I, that’s all we got.

F/M/K: spending the rest of your life with a woman who has: a) bipolar disorder; b) multiple personality disorder (one identity is a porn star, the other is a luchador); or, c) obsessive compulsive disorder, and one of her tics is performing 10 audible queefs before she can open a door

Marry: Obsessive compulsive disorder girl
Here’s the thing, I could work with OCD. You can help these problems over time and they will get better. So, in marrying this girl, that would be the goal. Cause, outside of her OCD, she could be the perfect girl, right?
Perhaps, to quell her queefing thing, we create a house with no doors. Also, I’m not bothered by Queefs. I’d be more impressed that she could conjure them up on the spot, to be honest. i think, of the three options, this one has the most flexibility and can be possible. Hell, we all have our OCD things. Like, I have to clear all notifications off my phone whenever possible. No clue why…i just need it. Is that worse/better than a door opening queefer? Who’s to say?

Fuck: Multiple Personality girl
Get you a woman who can do both, AMIRITE?!?!?
This is technically one fuck so the secret here would be to catch her on a porn star day. fucking a luchador might be problematic but if i can time it right, it could be perfect. Sure, this could backfire and she could switch over midway through sex, throw me in a leg scissor hold and flip me off the bed but those are the risks when you fuck someone with distinct multiple personalities. you take the good, you take the bad…you take ’em both and there you have…a sex crazed luchador (as well as the facts of life). Roll the dice.

Kill: Bipolar girl
See…this is tough cause there are variations to being bipolar but I’m just gonna assume this is an extreme case. Not so different than the porn star/luchador , in that it would be all about timing, in dealing with this one. But, to be honest, Bipolar people are exhausting and , at least with the multiple personality girl, I could rationalize who I was dealing with. Someone who’s either extremely high or extremely low all the time just doesn’t bode well for me, personally. I’m a leveled guy. I don’t change moods really. So, while sex with a Bipolar person could be amazing, it could also get dark real quick. That’s scissor lock off the bed sounds like a picnic comparatively. In this case, I’d just be playing it safe and opting out of the bipolar girl altogether.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 50

Hi there. It’s time once again for your favorite/least favorite column, Fuck/Marry/Kill. you know the game. it’s dumb and played by morons across the globe. I’m no different. As always, i must preface this by saying it is not meant to be taken seriously whatsoever. I don’t actually think i could fuck, marry or kill any of these people/things/concepts. It’s for shits and giggles so, please, if you’re feeling like being outraged by something, do better. In a world full of injustices, this is not a worthy cause. Also, get out the house more, you fucking loser.
If you have any F/m/K options you’d like to submit, fire away. Leave them in the comment section below. Be creative cause this it’s the 50th volume. Not my first rodeo!

F/m/k- Rumer Willis, Mary Steenburgen, Kelly Osbourne

Marry: Mary Steenburgen
Gotta Marry Mary, bro.
She’s the pretty obvious choice to me. She’s aged incredibly well, seems like a cool lady and is not the other two. That’s about all it takes in this contest. There’s also the “old crush” factor as I’ve always thought she was cute from a young age so that kinda thing carries over. It’s really a cut and dry case.

Fuck: Rumer Willis
Sure, she kinda looks like an easter island statue or a white Rajon Rondo but, if Fuck/marry/kill is about anything, its about being blatantly shallow. Rumer willis has a really nice body. Sorry…she does. And, sometimes, that’s all you need when sex is the goal. Do girls do that? I feel like that’s a guy thing. Having sex with someone specifically cause you like their body. Like, i know I’ve heard girls talk about “butterfaces” before but do you guys actually go through with it just to get a hold of that bod? Like, would you have sex with Michael Phelps? Tough questions, i know. But these are the type of hard hitting realities that come up when you play a game as serious as “Fuck/marry/Kill”.

Kill:Kelly Osbourne
There is so much to disdain about her, this was an easy choice.
She seems like a total spoiled asshole. Entitled and mean. On top of that, she’s got one of those faces I just hate. Kinda…I dunno…downy. It’s not even her fault. There have been far more attractive famous people I’ve felt the same way about. There is just something about it that screams to me “naaahhhhhhh, b”. Like the opposite of pheromones.
I feel like many people might marry her in this equation just to sneak into that Ozzy Lineage but , personally, I don’t give a fuck about all that one bit. I’d much rather be a “willis/moore” and i don’t even wanna do that so, sadly, RIP Kelly.


Fuck: Basketball
This is a bastard of a choice but I have to be logical here. I love basketball. I need it in my life. Not even watching it but playing it. It’s one of my greatest joys. That said…I won’t die if i don’t play basketball. Nope, I’ll just get fat. Very very fat. I can’t imagine a world without it but, at the same time, how well am i gonna play if I never eat again? Probably not well. in fact, I’d die…soooooo…I guess I’m laying sweet James Naismith on his back and boning him anal missionary for one night of passion. Goddamn this whole thing!

Marry: Food
Aside from the obvious “I must eat to live” aspect of this…I love food. I look forward to eating constantly. When I finish a meal, even when I’m so full I wanna just explode like your man in “Monty Python’s meaning of life“, I’m still kinda thinking what my next meal will be. I generally know what food I’ll be eating all day, the second I wake up. Sufficed to say, food is on my mind all the time…and isn’t that how you want a marriage? Waking up with a person on your mind, going to sleep thinking about them. Sure, that sounds like obsession but love and obsession really share the same space. One is one of life’s joys and the other is creepy. Whether or not it’s requited is what decides that! So, if food will have me, I would be it’s forever and ever.

Kill: Porn
Man…I don’t wanna kill porn. I love porn. My brain is fried from years of watching it so the idea of using my…IMAGINATION when jerking off is not even really on the table. I feel like, once you get to a certain age, not only does that skill wane but you got too much on your plate. I can’t sit around in a pitch dark room conjuring fantasies without my mind meandering. All of a sudden, i’m thinking about my taxes or what my next meal is gonna be (shout out to food, y’all). So, yes, porn is very important to my process of busting nuts when alone. That said, there are other ways to bust nuts so it will never be as important as food or basketball to me. I suppose, if I had to kill porn, it would force me to be super pro active and look for sex more often which probably isn’t the worst thing on earth. Also, might be good for my mental state in general cause, you know, porn is pretty fucked up if you think about it. I’d rather not think about it though.

F/M/K Comedian edition:Sarah Silverman,Aubrey Plaza,Chelsea Handler

Kill: Chelsea handler
I actually like her show on “netflix” where she tackles taboo topics head on and she seems pretty cool but…I dunno…I appreciate her outlook on life in many ways but she’s seems like one of those people who’s sarcastic ALL the time. You know how that shit is…you can’t talk to people like that cause you feel like they’re never being genuine. On a shallow level, I’m also least attracted to her soooo, you know, there’s that too.I’m not typically a “blonde” guy. I mean, I like them but they’re never my first pick. Shallow, i know but it’s the name of the game, guys.
It’s funny cause, in reality I’d probably totally like her and have sex with her (and she’d never fuck me in a million years which is what’s so funny about this game) but this isn’t reality…it’s F/m/k…and this is not a place where reality matters.

Marry: Sarah Silverman
She’s my shit. She’s fucking hilarious. She hot. She’s cool. It’s funny cause the same thing I said about Handler being sarcastic could apply to Silverman but, for some reason, it doesn’t bother me. She also falls into “old crush” territory with me as well as another wheelhouse of mine which is east coast jew types. I grew up being into them and that has remained. They just feel like home.
From what i hear, Silverman has been a much sought after lady for her entire life. i’ve heard stories of dinner parties at her house where it’s was literally like a reality show where 15 bachelors vie for her attention. Makes sense. I’d be right up in that shit.

Fuck: Aubrey Plaza
you know, I think she’s very cute. She’s not my type at all. I don’t really go for the tall skinny hipster thing but there is something about her that grabs me. She just seems…I dunno…mean. Normally, that would repel me but I guess we all have our triggers and she gets me on some weird psychological level i can’t really explain. Perhaps he reminds me of a girl who would NEVER give me the time of day and that makes me want it more? Hard to say. Whatever the case, I even think the sex would probably be pretty bad. Like that “Owww…don’t move my leg there!” or “I don’t want your hand on my butt cheeks…it makes me feel weird” kinda sex that just deflates any excitement in the room. But, still, here we are…meanwhile, i bet sex with Chelsea handler would be super fun. Damn…Have i made a terrible mistake? Luckily, this is all make believe.

F/m/k:Madea, Mrs. Doubt fire and Tootsie

Fuck: Madea
See, I have this thing in “Fuck/marry/kill” where I don’t do male options cause they would all be a tie with how little i would want to have sex with them. The crafty motherfucker who submitted this option really found a loophole and , to that, i tip my hat. Well done, you fucking jerk.
Why would I fuck Madia? Man…i don’t fucking know. I guess, Madia looks the least haggard of the three? I’ve never seen a Madea movie but is she supposed to be an actual woman? Cause the other two are transvestites and it’s known so, at least in that level, I’d be having sex with a “woman”. Even if it is Tyler perry in a dress and terrible make up.

Marry: Tootsie
See, Tootsie is a throwback. When i grew up in the village, I saw transvestites all over the place. It was a common thing from a very young age. In the 80’s they looked like Tootsie. They were clearly men with bad dresses and terribly applied make up. Nowadays, the game has changed and they have stepped up on all fronts. I defy any straight man to walk around Christopher St. in the West village on a summer day and not get caught out there peeping a girl , then realizing “Oh snap, that’s a dude/Transexual”. It’s just a different ball game all together and props to them from tightening all that up.
So, why does all that equate to me marrying Tootsie? I think it’s for old times sake. I feel comfort in Tootsie. It would be like marrying the old NYC. And , you know, Dustin Hoffman is probably a pretty cool guy too.

Kill: Mrs. Doubtfire
I just don’t think i could handle that voice. Sure, there would be plusses to marrying her. She cooks! She Cleans! but this isn’t the 1950’s and i don’t care about all that. It’s extra. I genuinely don’t wanna wake up looking at some decrepit old transvestite who voice sounds like an air horn. I mean, shit, she wears the same thing EVERY FUCKING DAY. She looks like Mrs. butterworth. It’s just a no go for this one. RIP to her and Robin Williams, though.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 49

Well, it’s been a while and that means it’s time for “fuck/marry/kill” to rear it’s ugly head. YOu know the game. you’ve played it or been appalled by people playing it. Same difference. As always, i must state that this is all just for fun. Nothing here is meant to be taken seriously and I don’t actually wanna fuck, marry or kill anyone or anything mentioned in this post. So , please, save any potential outrage for something that actually matters. If you have ideas for people/things I should f/m/k, please leave them in the comment section below. Get weird. I’ve been doing this for a while and all the obvious stuff has been done. Trust me.

Super-heroine edition: Wonder Woman, Black Widow, She-Hulk

Marry: Wonder Woman
I’d like to start this off by saying I think super hero based movies and comics are lame.No disrespect to all you people getting your costumes fit for comic-con. That’s just me. Just saying that to preface my lack of knowledge on all things comic book related.Anyway…
Wonder Woman is the only character, of these three, that I really know. I know her cause she was around on TV when I was a kid. I’ve seen many incarnations of her. They’re always a very pretty brunette who flies an invisible plane. And does’t she have magic bracelets or some shit? Who knows? Anyway, from the barely passing interest, I can surmise that she’s a good person who is just out in these streets trying to make a difference. Can’t knock that. So, I’d assume she’s quite a catch. But , really, that invisible plane, son. Imagine never having to wait in an airport again and just whipping through the sky like you were a bird? That alone has me sold.

Fuck:Black Widow
Oh, you mean Scarlett Johansson? Yeah, I want to have sex with her.
Not sure about what the Black Widow does but ,I’d imagine, if her name is any relation to the actual insect, she fucks guys and kills them afterwards? Surely that can’t be her secret power? Like I said, i know nothing about the comic book shit. Judging from the pic, she wears leather and shoots guns. I’ve also seen an avengers movie and she didn’t seem like she was out there boning guys and killing them right after. Still, if I’m gonna go out, having sex with Scarlett Johansson wouldn’t be the worst way to go. Definitely better than shattering my hip when I’m 85 or some random disease.

Kill: She Hulk
I figure I’d kill her before she kills me. Again, I know nothing of she-hulk. I’m actually not certain this is even a thing *quickly googles it* Okay, I guess it’s KIND OF a thing.
Definitely no She-Hulk Movies coming out and they made an Ant Man movie so, clearly, this is a D level super hero. Oh look! It’s the hulk but with a vagina!
On a more practical level, I’m a pretty steady guy, mood wise. I don’t get to high or too low. Because of this, I’ve never been into people who are unlike that. Call me crazy but I think that She-hulk may be a touch volatile for me. Just a hunch.
Also, i’m not really attracted to really buff women. Like body builder types? Nah, b. So there is that too.

Breakfast Bread edition: Bagel, Croissant, Muffin

Kill: Muffin
Listen, muffins are cool and all but I’m not a dude who craves sweet things when I wake up. I’m bout that savory life. And, really, blueberry muffins are the only type I ever really crave. So, sorry, muffins but you are a third tier breakfast option. I’m not mad when I have one but it’s rare I’ll even think to get one. If I’m at a hotel and they have a continental breakfast in the morning, the last thing I reach for is that muffin. So, sorry, I’m crumbling you up in my hand and leaving you for dead on the table.

I fucking love a good croissant. There are few things better to me than a buttery, warm croissant being stuffed into my greasy fat mouth. However, I couldn’t eat one every day. It’s just too decadent. Ideally, it would be great but the reality is I’d die of a heart attack by 50 if I went with that. Croissants are a special occasion type of thing. And, for this occasion, I’d want to be lowered naked into a swimming pool filled with warm croissants. I would eat and fuck my way out of the pool with no hesitation, stepping out the pool glistening like a new born baby.

Marry: Bagel
I’m a New Yorker. Part Jew. Bagels are our life blood. I remember the first time I traveled down south and I met people who didn’t know what a bagel was. Probably cause they didn’t know any jews. I felt bad for them. Bagels offer so much. They can be toast. The can be bread for a sandwich. And they can be covered in all sorts of crap. Some place opened near me a few years ago that was bagel bites , filled with flavored cream cheeses. Yes please. What about pizza bagels? I could go on forever. The secret to a healthy marriage is keeping things fresh and switching it up every now and then. With bagels, I would never have to worry about that.

F/M/K presidential candidates edition: Carly Fiorina, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin

Fuck: Sarah Palin

Republican vice presidential candidate Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin winks as she speaks during her vice presidential debate against Democratic vice presidential candidate Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., at Washington University in St. Louis, Mo., Thursday, Oct. 2, 2008.  (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

Republican vice presidential candidate Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin winks as she speaks during her vice presidential debate against Democratic vice presidential candidate Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., at Washington University in St. Louis, Mo., Thursday, Oct. 2, 2008. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

I know killing her would be the right thing to do but I’m still a dumb animal and she’s still the most attractive choice. And , deep down, there is a nasty side to her. I don’t mean her politics, which are fucking abhorrent. I mean sexually. This is a lady who was once a newscaster and fucked basketball player Glen Rice. That doesn’t mean much but, to me, it says she’s down to have a good time. Or, at least, I can convince myself she may have been like that at one point. Now she’s just batshit crazy and dumb as a bag of bibles.

Kill: Carly Fiorina

Former US business executive and potential Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina waits to speak at the Center for Strategic and International Studies (CSIS) on April 6, 2015 in Washington, DC.     AFP PHOTO/BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI        (Photo credit should read BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images)

Former US business executive and potential Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina waits to speak at the Center for Strategic and International Studies (CSIS) on April 6, 2015 in Washington, DC. AFP PHOTO/BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI (Photo credit should read BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images)

She got those crazy eyes. She’s got those crazy politics. I also know the least about her, of the three options so, it’s not hard to throw her in the kill pile. Female republicans are a baffling bunch. It’s a brand of self loathing i can’t wrap my head around. Yeah…i dunno what else to say about this one. It just is. Sometimes things just fall into place.

Marry: Hillary Clinton
Duh. I’m not even a person who’s super gung ho about Hillary but , clearly, she is wifey material when placed next to these two lunatics. I feel about marrying Hillary the same way I do about her being president. It’ll do. I don’t love everything about her. I kinda think she’s a bit too much “in the game” but, at the same time, so is every other politician not named trump or sanders. So, if she wins, things will be fine. If she’s nominated, she’s getting my vote. If I married her, in this completely unrealistic situation, things would also be fine. We’d skip all the exciting newlywed stuff and slip right into the boring, comfort part of marriage where you barely speak to each other at length but you don’t really have any true disdain for your partner. You know, that long term relationship sweet spot, right before you realize you don’t ever wanna be in the same room with the love of your life. Ah…Marriage.

FMK: Queens/Bronx/Staten

Fuck: The Bronx
I used to go up to the bronx and record occasionally. It was my first time as an adult , being in the borough.It was kinda cool. Sure, it was foreign and somewhat terrifying but it had a distinct vibe to it. The people are cool too. At this point, the Bronx is NYC’s final piece of authenticity. It hasn’t been taken over and ruined by people moving in from other states. People who move there tend to be coming from other countries. Big difference. The reason I’d fuck it and not marry it is cause, well, it’s so fucking far away. it’s just a train ride I’m not willing to make on the daily. So, I’d make the trip once to make sweet love on Fordham road.

Marry: Queens
Queens is fucking Huuuuuuge. It’s got so many parts and different vibes to it that marrying it makes sense. The variety would be awesome. It’s a place that is known for having all the secretly best ethnic food and that’s some shit I could immerse myself in deeply. Truth be told, I’m in queens maybe once every 6 years but still…I know it’s got stuff. And, hell, if I’m married to queens for a while and feel like it’s time to move to a more quiet neighborhood, there are areas in Queens that are straight up suburbs. Picket white fences and all that shit. I like the idea of having options. Not even Manhattan or BK can offer that. But, really, I’m wifing it for the food.

Kill: Staten island
LOL. Yeah…obviously. Outside of Wu-tang and “The situation” , I honestly wouldn’t even know if S.i. ever existed. I went there once as a kid. Let’s just say it didn’t leave much of a mark on me. All i know about it is that it’s full of racist italians and it’s also a place where they set up huge housing complexes for mentally unstable people to live in. That’s a great thing to do but I’ll be damned if I wanna be anywhere near that shit. Easy choice. Sorry S.I. and Sorry Wu tung.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 48

It’s been a while but i think we are all ready for a new edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. All of us except those people who get really mad about it write scathing personal facebook messages to me. To those people i say, you really should just not read this blog. It’s not for you. But for the others? Hi! you know the game. It’s dumb. Frat guys play it. Clearly, this is not meant to be taken seriously so, just a heads up.
If you have any good ideas for me to f/m/k, leave them in the comment section. Get creative. After all, this is volume 48. We’ve covered many bases here.

F/M/K: a molly girl, cokehead, or weed chick?

Kill: Cokehead
This was fairly easy for me. While people on Molly can be kind of…umm…gross to be around (I don’t even mean sexually, I mean just cracked out looking) coke girls are that plus the addition of being annoying. I once had a girl stop, mid sex, to do a bump of coke. No bueno, dude. Not only are they annoying but talking to them and dealing with their microscopic attention spans is just the worst. I realize there are many girls who do coke and actually get horny and then have sex , so i suppose that’s a “good” thing but to me? If i can avoid that scene in general, I will.
The thing about coke heads is that , once the ball is rolling with that shit (for that night, or whatever) it becomes the only focus. And I’d never wanna play second fiddle to that bullshit.

Fuck: Molly girl
While the molly girl can be similar to the coke girl she’s also much sweeter and friendly. Coke is a “me, me, me!” drug. Molly just makes you wanna lay around and rub things and you feel great. I could deal with that. Even though, in reality, I kinda doubt I could even have sex on Molly, this isn’t about me. So, perhaps, I wouldn’t even be on that shit. Who knows?

Marry: Weed chick
For many of you, this was the obvious choice. In fact, the idea of marrying a weed girl probably is a dream come true to some of you. Personally, i don’t smoke weed and I think “weed culture” is pretty corny. I’m all for people smoking it if they want to but like all obsessions similar to it (wine, coffee, etc…) people really go a little far with it. So, to me, the idea of marrying a girl who wants to sit around talking about different weed strains and the healing powers of cannabis oil all day is only slightly more appealing that chilling with cokehead girl.
All that said, if it’s just a girl who gets stoned all the time, that’s fine. I can’t totally deal with that. Sounds pretty mellow, actually and think of all the food we’d eat!

The carb F/M/K: rice, pasta, bread

I would actually marry bread. Like, if it were legal. Why not? I know you gluten free people are horrified by that statement but I don’t have your little fucking problem and bread is the best. Honestly, there are so many things you can do with bread but I don’t even need to list them. A freshly baked loaf of bread with butter would have won this off the bat. I don’t even need to get into the world of sandwiches. Hell, french onion soup even can come to the party. Goddamn it bread…I love you so much it hurts.

Fuck: Rice
Kill: Pasta
I’m gonna do these two together cause they are so close.
I almost felt like rice was gonna have to go but then I realized I eat way more rice than I do Pasta. Here’s the thing, I love pasta. I think, in general, it tastes better and it’s the part of better meals than rice. However, I’m at that age where I gotta watch what I eat on some level. Meaning I can’t be stuffing bowls of ravioli in my face with any regularity. If anything, Pasta is for special occasions for me. So, yes, I prefer pasta to rice but my lifestyle does not.
Meanwhile, with rice, that’s pretty much all asian food. That’s latin food. I don’t know why my brain doesn’t think rice is as bad as pasta but i do know that when I finish a hearty plate of pasta I feel like I need to sit in a wheelchair for a few hours and when I eat some rice dish, it’s never that debilitating.
This is one of those rare f/m/k’s where you gotta kill what you love for your own good. Cause, man, if i sat around fucking pasta all day? I’d be a mess.

F/M/K: Brandy / Mya / Amerie

Marry: Amerie
Bro…If I were to remake that movie “Weird science” , starring me as the those two virgin nerds, when it came time to cut up all the magazines and construct the perfect women, I’d skip the buffalo bill style of taking eyes from here, a nose from there and lips from there. I would just find a picture of Amerie’s face and that would be all i needed. It’s my shit. Why she didn’t become as big as Rihanna I’ll never know. I realize it sounds I’m basing my decision to marry her entirely on her face but I also like that she never became a super star diva. She’s probably humble and has a good head on her shoulders because of it. And if she doesn’t? I’ll just stare at her face all day anyway.
I think what I’m saying is, if any of you look like Amerie, Holler.

Fuck: Mya

FILE - In this April 22, 2008, file photo, singer Mya attends "Le Reve: Indulge the Dream, Play 4 Parkinson's Casino Gala" benefit in New York. Mya will join the cast of the ninth season of reality dance competition, "Dancing With The Stars," premiering Sept. 21, 2009, on ABC.  (AP Photo/Evan Agostini, file)

FILE – In this April 22, 2008, file photo, singer Mya attends “Le Reve: Indulge the Dream, Play 4 Parkinson’s Casino Gala” benefit in New York. Mya will join the cast of the ninth season of reality dance competition, “Dancing With The Stars,” premiering Sept. 21, 2009, on ABC. (AP Photo/Evan Agostini, file)

It’s funny about Mya. I’ve always felt she was overrated. Dudes talked about her like she was the hottest girl ever. I thought she was pretty but, you know, nothing too crazy. Then I realized her appeal is that she’s like the pretty girl you go to school with. She grows on you. After a month of sitting near her in class you realize she’s probably the sexiest person on earth and you can’t even explain it. It’s probably cause she’s nice to you and let’s you borrow her eraser when you don’t have one. You’re a huge dork, btw.
When you’re older, a girl like Mya is more like a good friends girlfriend or a friend of you ex who you get to know and secretly fall in love with. You can never be with her but, goddamn, you still day dream about killing all obstacles, in your dreams, while you sadly masturbate to them.

Kill: Brandy
She’s boring. She was always the goody two shoes kind. Her brother is Ray J, which means that bloodline is tainted anyway.
I think brandy is very pretty. Always have but it’s kind of a Taylor Swift situation with her cause she just can’t be sexy. It’s just not her nature. There is something very church-y about her. Put her in sexy clothing, she looks wrong. She’s probably very sweet but, i dunno…her competition is simply too strong. Hell, I always picked Monica over her back in “The boy is mine” days and things don’t really change.

F/m/k-Sense of sight, Sense of taste, Sense of hearing

Kill: Sense of taste
This is the worst one i’ve ever had to do. Like, each of these things represents something I truly love. Taste…food. I love food. So very very much. It’s one of the great joys in life for me. I’m a frugal man but I will spend major money on a meal if I know it’s good. However, the other side to killing my sense of taste is that, eating makes me fat. delicious food is never that healthy. So, in a way, if I were to not taste anything, I could finally be truly healthy. I’d eat all that organic horseshit that people love that has like 15 calories per pound. It wouldn’t matter. Food would literally just be fuel and I would need the bare minimum. So, i chose to kill this for the health reasons. It still hurts though.

This is hard. I want sight all the time. Not only so i can watch all the things I watch (movies, tv, reading, girls) but basketball. I play basketball 3 times a week and , without sight, that’s a wrap. Again, something I truly love being stripped away from me. But, i guess if i can “fuck” sight then I can see it once in a while. it’s better than nothing. Again, these options are pure fucking evil.

Marry: Hearing
I mean, shit, it’s my livelihood. Sure, making beats blind would be hard but if stevie wonder can do what he did, I can figure out how to do something infinitely easier without seeing a computer screen. Beyond that, I need to hear things all the time anyway. Music. I need music. conversation. I need that too. Being blind would be the worst but at least, with the sense of hearing, I feel like I wouldn’t have to live inside my own head as a deaf person. I’m not trying to base what i do on the vibrations of the earth, bro.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 47

Well, it’s that time again. “Fuck/marry/kill” is back. Get excited…or get mad. depending who you are, I suppose. This is that game. I must choose one of the three options to fuck, marry or kill. So simple. So stupid. So right.
As always, I must put this disclaimer here: THIS IS NOT SERIOUS. There are plenty of things to take stands against in this world that matter and this is not one of them. The only reason I don’t do men in this is cause I want to not fuck them all equally. So, please, save the vitriol for something more worthy.
Anyway, if you have some interesting f/m/k options, put them in the comment section. I always need more.
Okay, let’s bust this out…

F/M/K:avant garde musicians- joanna newsom, bjork, m.i.a.

Marry:Joanna Newsom
Of the three options, she’s the one I know the least about and I think it’s working in her favor. All I know is that she’s tiny, cute and plays a harp. You know who else is tiny, cute and plays harps? Angels, bro. But, beyond all that, she’s probably pretty chill and, for real, it would help my sleep patterns greatly if someone would gently play me to sleep with a harp a couple times a week. Would that even be on the table? Perhaps that’s asking too much of my little wife but, hey, I can dream, right?

I’m not a huge M.I.A. fan. Like, in general, I’ve never loved her music. I’ve always felt like I’m a year or two too old for whatever she’s doing. That said, the girl is definitely pretty and the right amount of crazy that could translate into good/almost scary sex. Like, I imagine she might have sex while holding a machete or something. At the very least, she’s making finger guns during sex and going “bo! bo! bo!” when she climaxes. While that would be odd, it would make for a good story at the very least.

Kill: Bjork
Easily my favorite artist of the three and just an incredibly talented women in general. Unfortunately, this isn’t “Iceland’s got talent”. This is the hard nosed, take no prisoners world of “fuck/marry/kill” and , sometimes, it just isn’t fair.
Now, Bjork was adorable. Super adorable. But she has three things going against her:
1)She’s the type of crazy that doesn’t excite me. She once kicked a paparazzi so hard in the balls, his testicle burst. Like, turned to liquid. She literally busted his nut. That kind of rage is fucking terrifying to me.
2)She’s not exactly “sexy”. By this I mean , she’s very cute but it’s not the kinda cute that makes me want to be romantic with her. It’s the kinda cute I wanna throw a teddy bear at.
3) she’s older than the other two by a decent amount and , as unfair as it is for an old piece of shit like me to be like this, I’m a bit of an agist. Sorry…I can’t help it.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Sandwiches, Pizza, Burritos?

Fuck: Pizza
This is a real Sophie’s choice moment right here. I would fuck or marry any of these wonderful foods. They are pretty much the best three basic foods known to man. But, I’m not here for the easy choices.
I would fuck pizza cause pizza is the sexiest. Now, perhaps if I grew up in idaho and was only used to domino’s, I might have killed pizza (that will come in to play with burritos) but being from NYC, pizza is everything and it’s everywhere. It’s never bad. The only thing stopping it from getting a ring on it’s greasy finger is it lacks versatility. But, goddamn, I would wrap a slice around myself and make love to pizza like the world stopped.

Kill: Burritos
Now, had I grown up in L.A., San Diego or San Francisco, this would be a different story. I’ve had those burritos and they are amazing. Unfortunately, the one food NYC never really got the hang of (until VERY recently) has been burritos. When chipotle is a truly decent option, you’re kinda screwed.
Beyond that, Burritos, as I enjoy them, are the most basic. Meat, beans, rice, cheese, guac , pico and sour cream. That’s it. EVERY TIME. It’s always good but, still, that lack of variety kinda kills it. Unlike Pizza and sandwiches, I can’t just eat a burrito whenever. Those things are huge and quite an undertaking. I gotta plan ahead to really eat one. So, for those reason, I’m forced to kill that burrito. Sorry, holmes.

Marry: Sandwiches
I choose to spend the rest of my life with sandwiches cause I will never get bored. They variety is endless. From Tuna melt, to italian sub to panini to some basic little ham and cheese type bullshit to bacon egg and cheese…sandwiches are everything at all times.
I will never get bored of sandwiches and, best of all, you could put ANYTHING in a sandwich. I could literally put a pizza and burrito between two pieces of bread and it would be a sandwich. That alone just takes them to another level. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.

f/m/k comedy night: Judy Tenuta, Paula Poundstone, Rosie O’Donnell

Marry: Rosie O’ Donnell
Much like wesley snipes saying “Always bet on black” in Passenger 57, when it comes to Fuck/marry/kill with some less than appealing options, “Always bet on lesbian”. The idea of marrying a lesbian , to me, is ideal. We’d basically be roommates. Rosie seems cool enough. I guess. Actually, she might be annoying as fuck but , whatever…I could just go to my room and keep living my life the way I want to. That’s the beauty of marrying someone who has no interest in you. I’ll take that over walks in the park or forced family outings with in laws any day.

Kill: Paula Poundstone
When i was a kid, she was the butt of many many jokes that involved unfunny people and women in awkward blouses. She was the quintessential 80’s female comedian. Devoid of any qualities I could possibly find attractive. Since then, I’ve come around on her, in a way. While I don’t think she’s even remotely funny,I do think she’s somewhat misunderstood and a good person. That said, I’m not marrying her and I’m not putting me penis inside of her (pretty sure she’s on board with both of those realities) so, the only option left is the sweet release of death.

Fuck: Judy Tenuta
She’s crass and obnoxious. She’s kinda gross in general. But, the trickle down logic of fuck/marry/kill kinda lands her in this place. Say what you will about her but maybe there is something underneath that gruff accordion playing exterior that, perhaps, might be sexually dynamic. Now, I have a feeling she might not be into my gender in that way but, of the three, she’s the only one who I think MIGHT possibly like men so…I guess she’s here by default.

F/M/K: short-shorts / sundresses / miniskirts

Fuck:Short Shorts
This feels like I should have done these choices in the summer…it would make more sense. Oh well.
Short shorts…they are great. They balance between fashionable, revealing and “Look at dat azz!” so perfectly that it’s hard to deny them. They are “good sex” in the form of pants. Even those stupid high waisted ones all you girls love wearing look good. You really can’t go wrong. The only thing holding them back from a wedding ring is that they’re pretty much all about the fun. They lack the class one might seek out in a wife. I dunno. I’m full of shit. I’d marry them too.

I don’t know what it is about sundresses…but they flick a switch in my brain and have been doing so since I was a teen. I think the fact they leave something to your imagination is what puts them over. The other two options are in your face…and that’s great. But seeing a pretty girl walking around in a sundress. It’s what makes playboy better than Hustler. Sure, I like to see it all but letting your mind do the work can be fun too. There’s an innocence to sundresses but it’s also subtly flashing some skin. They just work for me and i think they have longterm value.

Kill: Miniskirts
Listen, seeing a hot girls in some slutty miniskirt is great but, i dunno…they don’t seem real to me. It’s just too much, in my face. Also, they can be the least flattering of the three options by far Let’s be real, do people even still wear miniskirts? That’s some 80’s shit.
Miniskirts are some shit for the club. And clubs are for fucking losers. It’s really that simple.
Like, if i had a daughter and she wore miniskirts a lot? I’d feel like I fucked up somewhere along the way. At least put on some short shorts like classy prostitute! You’re grounded!
It should also be noted that the type of girls who wear miniskirts have never even remotely liked me so I may just be bitter about that.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 46

Hello and welcome to another edition of the equally hated and loved “Fuck, Marry, Kill”. It’s exactly what you think it is. The same game drunk frat guys play. As always, i’d like to preface this , for the more sensitive people out there, that this is all jokes. I’m would never actually kill or marry any of these people/things and this is not meant to be taken seriously in any way. Okay? Good.
If you’ve got some crazy f/m/k options , leave them in the comment section below. Get strange and inventive.

F/M/K: Scientology,Mormonism,Confucianism

Marry: Confucianism
Pretty easy choice for a few reasons.
1)I know very little about it
2)From what I do know, seems harmless enough
I’m not a religious man in any way but the eastern religions seems to be the most chill by far. All I really know about Confucianism is that they must be all about little pearls of wisdom. Wasn’t Ghost dog down with that? Or was that the art of war? Who fucking knows? Regardless, I can abide by that. It just seems the least judgey of all the options. It’s more just a bunch of little suggestions. If that’s one thing i want out of my religion, it’s suggestions over “Rules!”.

Fuck: Scientology
This was tough cause, to me, both Scientology and mormonism are equally insane. They’re both obviously made up (like all religion but with the added eye roll factor of being somewhat new, compared to the other religions). I think I would fuck scientology cause , while it seems to basically a ponzi scheme there are a handful of famous people I admire who are into it. I’m not saying that makes it okay but, hey, I could be scientologist for a day and maybe kick in with Beck and Isaac hayes. That’s worth a fuck, at least.

Kill: Mormon
The downside of this choice is that Mormons are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Like, holy shit..they make canadians look like Donald Trump. So, on that level, I would feel bad. That said, their religion is so full of shit and without any hedonistic merit (which is what I’m basing all this on) that I’d have no choice. It’s like scientology without the fun parts. Equally creepy, the further you dig into it but the puritan judgmental aspects of Mormonism would be too much for me. I like premarital sex. I like drinking. I like cursing. Scientology doesn’t give a shit about all that. So, because of those things, Mormons gotta go.

F/M/K The Hey don’t worry, they’re legal, edition”:Shailene Woodley, Jennifer Lawrence, Chloe Grace-Moretz

Marry: Jennifer Lawrence
I mean, I would legit marry her in real life and I don’t really even believe in marriage. J-law is super hot, seems cool (for an actress) and likes to have fun. She’s also a good amount older than these other two so I wouldn’t even feel weird about being with her. I didn’t watch her grow up from a child actor. She was young in “winter’s bone” but, even in that, I was like “Hmm..that girl is kinda hot”. Which is saying a lot cause she was dressed like an 1990’s british rapper that entire movie (tons of carhardt and boots).
I actually appreciate this person even putting J-Law as an option cause it’s the only one I feel 100% okay with.

Fuck: Shailene Woodley
I think I pick her cause I honestly don’t really know who she is. I know she’s been in a bunch of movies that I’ll never see. She seems kinda cute, I guess, in a tom boyish way. But, more than anything, the lack of background knowledge makes me feel less gross about the concept of having sex with her. From the looks of her, she’s not a super sexually charged young woman. She’s not on some Kylie Jenner shit where that’s all she has going for her. Which, in life, is great. In this game? Less so. But still, I guess she’d get to have sex with a disgusting old man AKA me.

Kill:Chloe Grace-Moretz
This choice is entirely made cause I cannot see her as anything but a child. The fucked up part is that she’s one of those young actresses that , when I first saw her, I had that creepy “Hmm…she’s gonna be hot when she’s older” moments. Thing is, now she’s older but I still see her as a little kid. I guess that’s a good thing for my brain to feel but still…Again, to bring up Kylie Jenner, she also doesn’t seem to ooze sexuality. She more seems like the brooding type. Not my cup of tea. But, mostly, this has to do with me seeing her in a way. She’s gonna be a little kid in my eyes until she’s in her late 20’s. Sadly, in this game, that’s an age she will not reach. DEAD!

F/M/K:Spotify, Youtube, Soundcloud

Kill: Spotify
Straight up, i don’t use it. I know everyone loves it but I’m more the type of person who makes my own playlists, often using music that isn’t available on Spotify. So, really, it serves me no purpose. I’m sure it’s great and , if you wanna hear some new album, it’s ideal. I just have always found my way around that. I’m an old school guy. I still have an I-pod. It’s full of rare songs but little know artists I’ve ripped off of Soundcloud and youtube. Spotify is great but there is a basic bitch-ness to it’s selection that I can’t really mess with. Also, they way they pay artists (me) is pretty pathetic. So there is that too.

Fuck: Soundcloud
A year ago I woulda definitely killed Soundcloud but things have changed. Sure, it’s a wasteland of dudes who want you to listen to their demo. That’s a nightmare. But it’s also easy to ignore. On the bright side, it is a place where pretty much every new artist I fuck with puts up new music. It’s where you hear it first. That’s ideal to me. i’ve heard so much new shit I would never otherwise have known about via soundcloud, it’s nuts. Also, as an artist, it’s easy and fun to use. It reminds me of the good old days of myspace music but better. I’d put my dick all up in that.

Marry: Youtube
This just isn’t fair cause the other two only play music. Youtube is mostly video content. It’s just such a larger scope. Not only is most music on there (The abundance or rarities on there, compared to spotify, is crazy) but you also get endless video clips. Movies, skits, vine compilations , etc…That’s the kinda of thing you settle down with and stay honest too. As long as you don’t read the comment section, it would be the most glorious marriage a person could have.

F/M/K Nasty Porn edition: Chicks with dicks, Bodybuilder chicks, Pregnant chicks

Marry: Pregnant chick
cute pregnant girls 1
Most brutal choices ever? Possibly.
These are all getting picked by default.
I would marry the preggo girl cause, eventually, she’ll have the baby and be a regular girl again. It’s not forever. But, would I be the kids dad then? I mean, pretty sure I didn’t get her pregnant. That’s a whole lot of drama but it’s still better than the other options.

Fuck: Body Builder chick
female bodybuilder (11)
Ughh…I’ve been on tinder for a few weeks and the amount of grossly buff cross fit/weightlifting girls on there is amazing. It’s truly unattractive to me. It’s crazy cause it turns the female form into boxy and, sometimes, fat looking. Like, I don’t doubt these girls are strong as fuck but it leaves many of them looking like spongebob square pants. These you got the actual body builders…who are basically men but one thing is missing…that dick. It’s for that reason I would reluctantly choose them to have sex with. God, i really would not wanna do that but, at the very least, they have a vagina for me to put my penis in. My frightened, jacked up viagra penis. in a way, these ladies are far more masculine than the Chicks with dicks but that dick is a big hump to get past.

Kill: Chicks with Dicks
Like I said above, it’s all about the dick. I don’t want one of those things near me in a sexual manner. If this was Blow Job, Marry, Kill I might change my tune but it’s not. It’s FUCK. In this case, that could mean one of two things. I fuck her in the ass or she fucks me in the ass. Those are just huge “no go” options for your boring friend. The fucked up thing is I’ve seen some really beautiful Transexuals in my lifetime. Like ones who you would never guess were packing heat down there. But the second that dick would pop out? I’m gone. Sorry. All respect due though. Just not my thing.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 45

Well, here we are once again. Alone, at last. Time for another edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. It is exactly what you think it is. That game frat dudes play. Yup. Just a little more in depth. As always, I feel obligated to say this is just for shits and giggles so please don’t take it seriously. The only reason I don’t do male options is cause I want to not fuck them all equally.
Anyway, if you have some funny ideas for F/M/K options, leave them in the comment section. Get creative cause I’ve been doing this column for years.
Okay…let’s see what we got this week.

FMK- Full House edition: Olsen Twins, Jodie Sweetin, Candace Cameron

Fuck: Candace Cameron
This is really one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to hypothetically make. Really, there’s an argument to be made for fucking, marrying or killing all three of these choices. On one hand, as lame as it would be, a threesome with the olsen twins would be something I could write a best selling book about. Jodie Sweetin was/is a drug addled mess but, that could bode well for the sex. Candace Cameron is the most attractive of the bunch but also on some christian shit so…you know…that could be an issue.
But, when it comes down to it, i think my attraction to Candace Cameron and acceptance that it would be some bible thumping sex out weighs my desire to kiss a girl with meth mouth or see either of the Olsen twins naked. I realize this is a cop out but I’m a simple man and bad sex is more appealing to me than the other choices.

Marry: The Olsen twins
For one thing, there’s two of them. Sure they look like Michael jackson at this point and I’m not on some polygamy shit but that would immediately keep things interesting. Variety and stuff. Secondly, they are the richest people on earth. yes, it’s shallow. I know this…but I don’t wanna marry any of these assholes (I’m sure the feeling is mutual) so marrying two rich girls is the most appealing option. This could easily backfire and leave me in house (actually a mansion,though) with two people I loath , who loath me back cause I’m stinking up one of their million dollar couches all day watching netflix in my underwear. But, you know what, that can happen in any marriage. The only difference is the price of the couch.

Kill: Jodie Sweetin
The thing about Jodie is that you don’t know what you’re getting. She could be a fun druggie or she could be the type who stabs you in your sleep. I really don’t know. That risk is enough to make me opt out of putting a ring on her finger. I don’t enjoy “crazy” as a rule. So, you know, maybe I’d be doing her a favor. He life seems like a huge bummer anyway. It would kinda be a mercy killing.

F/M/K Cargo pants, church slacks, super long jean shorts

Kill: Super long jean shorts (JORTS)
You know, if you asked me this question 20 years ago, Jorts woulda been my wife. But, sadly, those days have passed and Kevin Smith is the only dude still rocking these things. As corny as the other options are, there is no way to pull off jorts in 2015. It’s like a blaring siren screaming “DO NOT FUCK ME OR RESPECT ME”. These things need to be put to rest in real life and in the made up world where I have to choice to fuck/marry/kill things/people.

Marry: Cargo Pants
As bad as cargo pants are, they’re at least comfortable. Also, styles exist that aren’t the absolute worst. Army Navy stores have kinds that don’t make me wince. Also, they’re the uniform of dads who have thrown the towel in. What better pants to marry? They’re like a step down from sweat pants but you can actually wear them to a restaurant and not feel like a hillbilly. Granted, putting them on basically deems you a eunuch but I’m married to them so who cares?

Fuck: Church pants
I can’t lie…this is kinda by default but, at the same time, some baggy ass , steve harvey looking church pants would be hilarious to wear once. Like, imagine rocking them with no shame to a place where hipsters are? It would blow their fucking minds. I wouldn’t be shocked that, one day, church pants are the ironic hipsters go-to outfit. What’s more far from the norm than a bearded white asshole with tatts wearing “who framed roger rabbit?” pants and a band t-shirt at the same time? Mark my words…this will one day be a thing.

F/M/K (Orange is the new black Edition) Kimiko Glenn, Diane Guerrero, Ruby Rose

Marry: Ruby Rose
Here’s the thing. She is beautiful. Like scary hot. Also, she’s a lesbian. So, here we come to a crossroad. Not to go off course here but I’m not a huge fan of marriage in general. Not that I think it people shouldn’t do it I just don’t know how I feel about it personally. So, when playing F/M/K and given the option of marrying a lesbian, I’m kinda into it. Why? Cause it turns into me just living with a roommate and living my life however I see fit. That’s kinda cool to me. Not to mention, I get along great with most lesbians I’ve met and partying with Ruby Rose would be fun. No jealousy. No “Where were you last night?!?”. Simply “G’day mate!” then carry on my day. The bonus of getting to look at her all day doesn’t hurt either.

Fuck: Diane Guerrero
This is just playing into my wheelhouse right here. Hot , short latina girl? Forget about it. The only reason I don’t marry her is cause of the golden “Always marry the lesbian” rule I’ve instituted for “Fuck/marry/Kill”. But, I’m a big fan of this one and would probably be angling for more than one Eff sesh…I’m assuming my wife, Ruby Rose, would be cool with that…cause she’s the best. I LOVE MY WIFE!

Kill: Kimiko Glenn

21st Annual SAG Awards at the Shrine Auditorium - Arrivals Featuring: Kimiko Glenn Where: Los Angeles, California, United States When: 25 Jan 2015 Credit: Brian To/WENN.com

21st Annual SAG Awards at the Shrine Auditorium – Arrivals
Featuring: Kimiko Glenn
Where: Los Angeles, California, United States
When: 25 Jan 2015
Credit: Brian To/WENN.com

I got nothing against her. On the show, she’s kinda plain and annoying. Then, one episode, they showed her tits and I was like “oh daamnnnnnn”. Still, she’s not a really exciting choice. She’s certainly a pretty girl and , like i mentioned, the tits are well documented. I mean, in real life, she’s the type of girl who would probably roll her eyes at me for asking her if she’s in line for the bathroom and possibly vomit at the idea of making out with me but this isn’t real life soooooooo…
Swing swing swing, and chop chop chop.

F/M/K:Duane Reade, 7-11, Starbucks

Kill: 7-11
This is new york-centric but fuck a 7-11. We don’t need them here and they’re basically just bringing the burbs to the city. I don’t take stands on much. I simply don’t care that deeply about most things but I boycott 7-11’s in NYC like they were hanging confederate flags in the window. Thing is, they’re unnecessary here. We have 24 hour bodegas and korean markets on every other corner. It’s one of the things that makes this city what it is. If you’re a person who was psyched to see a 7-11 open up in NYC, recognize you should probably move cause you’re making the city into the cornball factory it has become.

Fuck: Starbucks
I don’t drink coffee so Starbucks doesn’t do much for me. That said, I have been known to stuff my face with sweets and I can’t front on da ‘bucks. When I’m in an airport at 8 am and craving an iced lemon pound cake (which is always), I know where to go. When I’m walking home from dinner and desire a cake pop, Starbucks is there in a pinch. I mean, granted, I could go my entire life without ever stepping foot in one and nothing would change but it is nice to know the option exists. So, lemme put my dick in that

Marry: Duane Reade
Of these three places, I’m up in Duane Reade the most. it’s a drug store, it’s a supermarket, it’s where I can buy bulk cadbury eggs around easter. What’s not to like? Also, it’s an NYC institution. So, by marrying it, I’d feel like I was joining with something special. Only downside of Duane Reade is that the people who work there tend to be slightly less polite than people who work at the DMV but, whatever…it would just add spice to your union.