Preview reviews Vol. 13

Movies are great, right? I watch them all the time and get great joy from them. Hell, I’ve watched “Zodiac” like 5 times this month just cause it was on, and I’ve seen it like 45 times already. But, sometimes, movies are a let down. Well, let’s be honest. Most movies are a let down. Such is the way of the world with art , in general. There is just too much out there to waste 2 hours on when all you really need to do is watch the preview to understand exactly what you will be getting. That’s where I come in. I review the previews for you so you don’t even have to watch those either. I know you’re busy. So, instead of watching a two minute youtube clip, spend 4 minutes reading me rant about some shit I have no idea about. Makes sense, right? #logic


Hollywood loooooves to makes movies with young people about technology gone wrong. This is probably cause hollywood is full of both nerds who love technology and old people who are terrified of it. So, you know, if you write a script about some made up internet thing that turns out to be an evil empire that can only be toppled by two millennials , CHA-CHING!!!!
Watching this preview, it reminded me of when “Hackers” came out, minus the futuristic outfits (which have almost become a reality thanks to Russell Westbrook). It’s a glimpse into the not so distant future but also a paranoid idea of a world where trolling people becomes big business in the form of an online truth or dare game. Like, if they find themselves in deep shit…can’t they just stop? Surely this is covered in this movie (I’ll never find out) but it’s not like the internet got a gun to head of their mothers. Then again, if you’ve ever tried to cancel your facebook page, you know that removing yourself from a website can be a real nightmare. So, perhaps, there’s some truth to this.
More than anything, the idea that two 22 year olds would have the mind, heart and soul to overcome anything, let alone a huge corporation trying to ruin their lives cause “why not!?!” is the most comical thing to me. Like, these kids are too busy taking pictures of food, snapchatting their assholes to each other and writing shitty yelp reviews to truly ever figure out how to take down the illuminati. Am i selling millennials short? Sure. But it’s only to even the playing field cause hollywood got them being super heroes in the future/not future.

Now you see me 2

I’mma take this idea of reviewing previews one step further into peak generalization and not even watch this preview….and still review it. Yup…I have crossed over into a new plane of dismissiveness but, trust me , it’s for a purpose.
“Now you see me” , the original, was one of those movies I casually watched on cable. It started, I was home so I watched it. It was baffling how bad it was. Like…wow. A real “how did this movie get made?!!?” moment. But, like most shitty things, you watch it, shrug your shoulders and move on. I never checked to see if it was a success or if it was enjoyed by the people of rotten tomatoes. I just kinda assumed it did “ok” was panned by anyone with half a brain and that was that.
So, when i see they made a second one, I was shocked and had all sorts of questions. Why? How? What? Huh?
To remind you, the first one was about some bad ass magicians. I’ll stop right there cause that phrase , in itself, doesn’t make sense. I love Penn and Teller. They are much more than magicians, in my mind. But, “bad ass” isn’t exactly what comes to mind when I think of them. A guy like Cris Angel, who’s whole existence is spent trying to be the bad boy of pulling doves out his sleeve, is a dork with Dave navarro hair. Still not a bad ass. So, this movie having the balls to try and make that a thing would be like me making a movie about a group of bedroom producers who run a successful fight club, even though we all know beat makers are anti social shut ins with anxiety issues.
So, to make a SECOND one of these is just…I don’t know…incredible? Like someone wrote a script, it got picked up, actors were called. Sets were designed, locations were scouted (las vegas), craft services was used. All this happened so this movie could exist when I’m fairly certain the first one was enjoyed by only a handful of 14 year old boys and , perhaps, Cris Angel. But, hey, whatever works I suppose. For all i know, this will make 200 million dollars it’s first week…or, maybe, it will just disappear, like the title promises. Whatever the case, this movie is this summers “eh…I guess I’d see that…” last second option for anyone who went to a theater with no game plan/the thing they went to see is sold out.

Me Before you

Movies about disabled people are tricky. It’s like , due to the subject matter, you’re not allowed to have an opinion on the movie itself. It’s “brave” out the gate. The problem is, let’s be honest, most movies about disabled people are shmaltzy, pandering horseshit designed to make people cry. For every great movie about the topic (“My left foot” come to mind. That one about the parapalegic who has sex was good too), something like this comes alone. It’s like a typical terrible romance movie…but with a little twist! So, this super hot, down on her luck, lost in a life lady lands the job taking care of a disabled guy (cause no training is needed for that kind of thing) and he turns out to be a handsome and charming, yet paralyzed, billionnaire. But then, get this…she’s there to help him but then HE ends up TEACHING HER…about herself! Shut the front door!!! And wait…lemme guess…does he fall in love with her and learn to open his cold heart and see life in a more flowery way? It’s like rediscovering the wheel for the five millionth time!
Also, I feel bad for Emilia Clark cause she’s always gonna be Khaleesi no matter how many movies she makes. It’s the gift and curse of being on a wildly popular tv show. So, anyone who sees this is gonna be like “Oh yeah, the one where Khaleesi falls in love with a guy in a wheelchair?!?!”. That’s gotta burn.

Preview Reviews Vol. 12

Listen man…Ain’t nobody got time to be seeing every movie that comes out. I’ve already made it my life goal to never see the new star wars so it’s not like I’m heading to the theater for just anything. In times like this, I’d rather just watch the preview and base my entire opinion on that. Unfair? Certainly but, you’d be surprised by how on point my intuition can be. So, today, I will be reviewing these based only on the trailers and all the preconceived notions I have about the people involved with said movie. Why not? If nothing else…It’s a time saver for us all.

Pride and Prejudice and zombies

I have this problem. When i see a movie that takes place in certain eras, I tune out. This isn’t specific to one era but #1 with a bullet is anything that takes place in the 1800’s starring british people. It’s nothing personal but I simply could not care less about anything than that 100 year span in that particular place.
This movie , however, must know that I’m not alone in those feelings. I’m not even a millennial. If I don’t give a fuck about that era, they must not even know it happened. So what do they do to spark interest? ADD ZOMBIES.
Yes, Zombies. When your movie is a shit storm that no one wants to sit through, just add a bunch of slow walking flesh eaters. Cause, as you know, motherfuckers love zombies. Or do they?
I mean…there is no questioning that zombie movies took off a while back, leading to “The walking dead” , which was/is a huge success. That said, I feel as though we’re about done here. It’s been covered. Much like when everyone tried to remake the formula of “Twilight” , the zombie movie has been done to death and it’s a wrap. Someone thought they were clever and was like “I know it’s beating a dead horse but…what if we took zombies and threw them in a Jane Austin era type setting…also, GIRL POWER! I see slow motion flip kicks and corsets!”.
I legit imagine movie meetings being exactly like that.
Sufficed to say, this movie looks like it’s the fucking worst and will bomb horrifically, as it should.

Now you see me 2

I am ashamed to say I have seen “Now you see me”. In my defense, having cable and hangovers makes you watch things you normally wouldn’t. If you’re wondering, it was bad. But not just “normal bad”. It was ‘I wish there was someone else in the room so i could look at the like “what the fuck is this shit?” ‘ kinda bad. I literally had to call someone after I watched it, to talk about how shitty it was. That’s rare.
So, to my surprise, they’re making a sequel. The gang is all back! I think…I’m not even gonna lie. I barely lifted my eyes up to look at the screen while it was playing cause fuck this movie and fuck everyone in it.
Sequels are cash grabs. They are rarely good and ,generally, just the original poorly rehashed. So, even when good movies do them, the results are painful. I don’t wanna be a bummer but the chances of Zoolander 2 being good are very low. But this movie? I mean…if it can somehow be worse than the first one? I feel like time may collapse. Everyone in the theater will implode like the house at the end of Poltergeist. So, do yourself a favor and avoid this one, for your own safety.


I feel like, excluding girls who want to have sex with him, everyone hates Ryan Reynolds. I actually don’t have a problem with him. Still, every time he’s in a movie , people groan as if it’s his fault he got cast in it. To be fair, he’s only been in , like, two watchable movies but one of those is the heavily slept on “Just friends” that you should go see immediately. Thing about Reynolds is that he’s a sarcastic funny guy who happens to be super handsome and built like an action star. So, he always gets cast as these hero types but, in reality, he’s much better suited to be Van wilder until the day he dies.
So, there’s that…then you got this whole “let’s make a movie about every superhero ever written” thing that Marvel is doing. I’m not a comic book guy. I’m not a superhero movie guy, in general. But, man, are they scraping the bottom of the barrel. At least they just put Jessica Jones on Netflix. What the fuck is a “Deadpool”? Well, judging from the preview, it’s a new kinda super hero. He got jokes, yo! Lord knows, every good superhero needs some witty tag lines. Luckily for us all, Deadpool is all tag lines. So, expect a whole lot of “Mind if I drop in?” when he flies through the air into a group of bad guys. Depending where you stand, that could be awesome or terrible to you. You make the call.

Dirty grandpa

I can’t be the only one who saw this and immediately thought “Didn’t Johnny Knoxville make this movie?”. But no, that’s was “Bad Grandpa” and this is totally different. The world has been clamoring for a movie where Zac Efron and Robert Dinero do comedy together. Well, world, your prayers have been answered. Finally , 19 year old girls and their surly dads have a movie they can sit through uncomfortably together.
I always feel that movies like this are made specifically for the people in them. For Efron, he get’s to work with a legend. For Dinero, he get’s to go to a beach for a month to film and make some more money. Also, he gets to take a weak stab at having a new generation remember who he is. Spoiler alert: They don’t care.
But, outside of the actors, who is this movie for? There is no target audience here. Which is mind boggling considering this movie must have gone through all sorts of focus groups. This is the film equivalent of throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. Yeah, it’s probably slap against the wall, leave a small stain and plop back to the ground within seconds BUT, PERHAPS, a few chunks will actually stick. You never know! After all, they made a sequel for “Red” so anything is possible.

Preview Reviews Vol. 11

Movies. They’re cool and all but, sadly, most of them are a complete waste of time. Not everything can be the new MAd Max movies so, when that happens, I’m here to save us all some times and review movies I haven’t seen based entirely on their trailers. Cause, let’s be honest, we all “get” it. In those 2-3 minutes, you see all you need to know. So, allow me to get my Ebert on.

San Andreas

I think my favorite part about disaster movies is how realistic they are. Like that 9.8 on the ricter scale earthquake that tears apart the entire state of california…when that happens, y’all are definitely fucked. Unfortunately for you, you won’t have dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to save you. I’m pretty sure The Rock and Earthquake have wrestled in real life but this is a whole different beast.
This is an earthquake with feelings and anger. It’s not random or aimless. This earthquake, much like the tidal wave in “The day after tomorrow” or that other earthquake in “2012”, is a guided missile of hate aimed directly at who ever happens to be on screen. The Rock, however, is not having it. he’s gonna fight that earthquake. Maybe he’ll drop the peoples elbow on it from atop the Golden gate bridge? you never know! Can you body slam aftershocks? I suppose we’ll find out. All I know is that, when the dust clears and millions of lives are lost in this made up situation, you can bet that The Rock will be standing tall atop a pile of rubble, holding the women he’s currently fucking in his arms like a championship belt. Can you smelllllll who the Rock is fuckingggggg!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!


Now, this is a star studded cast of likable motherfuckers. There is no denying that. I don’t doubt there will be some entertaining or endearing moments but hear me out…it’s a Cameron Crowe movie. To some of you, that brings a smile to your face cause Crowe has long been the manufacturer of likable movies about likable underdogs who do likable shit blah blah blah. I’d be lying if I said he’s never done good work but, at the same time, I’d also be lying if I said he wasn’t the epitome of “basic white person melodra-medy”. He’s got an equation and he runs with it. It works. This movie might as well be a glass of white wine being sipped on the deck of a hamptons beach house. This movie is wealthy but it also voted for Obama. This movie knows how to crochet. This movie knows exactly what side to put the tiny fork that’s possibly for salad or cheese (I don’t know) when setting the table at a dinner party. This movie is gluten free. This movie plays tennis on sunday mornings with it’s college buddies cause, you know, it’s a tradition. This movie secretly says the N-word when it’s alone.
Does this make it a bad movie? Probably not. But I wouldn’t really wanna hang out with it either.

We are your friends

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This movie HAD to happen. It was a matter of time. Shout out to Max from “Catfish” for being the guy bold enough to make it.
The success/underdog story is no new thing. It can be interchangeable with any skill. Ping pong, bar tending, golf, child rearing. Anything. It’s really a sure shot way to make a movie people will sit through even though it always ends the same way and the same pitfalls happen every time.
In the case of the struggling EDM dj, this is especially hilarious. For many reasons…for one, they make it seems like being an EDM dj is some deep soul searching skill set. That’s awesome. Also, they make it seem like making EDM is an enlightening experience. They literally show this dude sampling the sounds of a stapler gun like a fucking foley artist. This isn’t Amon tobin…this is some asshole making ibiza molly music for teenagers. Oh, the life of an artiste!
Now, to be clear, I wanna see this movie. I wanna sit in my seat , seething. I want to inflict that pain upon myself cause , well, I just do. The same reason I sat through “Rent” or “Get rich or die trying”. Sometimes, you have to challenge your limits of human endurance. This movie will be like a clockwork orange moment for me. But I’m up for the challenge. When it comes to cable or torrents, that is. No fucking way I’m paying to see this piece of shit.
I should also add that Emily Ratajkowski is in this so I also might masturbate to it if it’s on and I’m alone. I only tell you guys that cause YOU are my friends.

The last Witch Hunter

This film is not to be confused with “The last bitch hunter” porn series, btw.
Man, to be the last of anything must be scary. I look at Vincent Diesel and feel his pain. I mean, in a world that was once filled with witch hunters, it must be a lonely feeling when you’re the last man standing. And think of all those witches that need to be hunted? There must be hundreds…thousands, even! That’s a lot of work for one guy.
As for the preview, do I hear an accent going on here? Was it british? I can’t tell. Diesel is such a versatile actor it’s hard to really put him in a corner with his dialects. It could be south african. Maybe just eastern european. Whatever it is, I’m sure he nails ever fucking word of it. He’s Vinny D! It’s what he does! He nails accents and kills witches. What more could you ask for.
Side note, if you’re excited to see this movie, you are a fucking moron. Is it me or does this look like the preview was made before the film was even finished? This feels like a poorly executed teaser , if anything.
Also, “You will be hunted” is definitely gonna take off as a famous tag line like “I’ll be back” or “My wife!”. It’s just so fucking catchy.

Preview reviews vol. 10

It’s time once again for the ultimate time saver. So many movies come out every year. It’s hard to keep up. I love films but who has time to go see a movie every week? Instead, I find it easier to just watch the trailers and reviews those. Why? Cause most movies are so full of shit, do you really need to watch the whole thing to get the picture? The 2.5 minutes of preview is more than enough for me. So, let’s all go to the movie…preview section of youtube.

Straight Outta Compton

Music biopics are tough. ESPECIALLY when most of the people in the movie are both still alive and have their hands in the pot. If I wrack my brain, I can think of some decent Biopics. “Ray”…was okay. “Cadillac Records” was watchable. “Walk the line” wasn’t terrible. But, even those movies were slightly off. There’s something about retelling a story that actually happened that hollywood can never fully embrace with honesty. In the case of this new NWA movie, I’m expecting full blown bullshit to the gills. Will I watch it on cable? Hell fucking yeah I will. It’s a rap biopic. How could I not? But, man, it’s gonna be fucking bad.
The thing about movies like this is that they’re generally made for people who know nothing about the subject. It makes sense that it would be like that to attract a larger audience but, for those people who actually know about NWA, this will no doubt be offensive. Outside of the movie just looking corny and formulaic, I’m basing this on the fact that MC ren doesn’t appear in any of the previews I’ve seen. How the fuck you gonna make a movie about NWA and not mention Ren? I’m guessing he’ll be in this entire movie as a dude in background of every scene with random one off lines like “Yeah!” or “These people don’t even know!”. I get if they buried Yella, but Ren? That’s just disrespectful. In fact, I’d rather watch an MC Ren documentary than this piece of shit movie. Where’s Ren? I wanna know!


I’m not even gonna front. This probably has some funny moments in it and will make a perfect cable movie. Something I can watch half heartedly while texting and playing candy crush.
The thing I take issue here is where it says “Like a mix between groundhogs day and American pie!”
Hold up there, breh. This isn’t a “mix” of anything. It’s the exact same fucking plot as Groundhogs day , but in high school, so it’s kinda like “American Pie” too. THE SAME FUCKING THING. So, wait, you’re telling me this kid wakes up every day in the same day? And then , as the days pass, he learns the importance of his life or whatever? No shit. Lemme guess, he gets some sort of spiritual redemption at the end? Get all the way the fuck outta here with that shit.
Listen, I know hollywood has run out of ideas and has been remaking 80’s and 90’s movies for a while now. But this one? It’s not even trying to be different. It’s as if, it was conjured in a boardroom meeting but people picking movie names out of a hat.
“Okay, let’s see…I got “scream” and “What about bob?”
“Nah, pick again…”
“Okay, I got “Blade runner” and “Who framed Roger rabbit?”. That could be really good!”
“Eh, doesn’t feel right. Pick again.”
“Umm..,let’s see…”American pie” and “Groundhogs day”?”
“YES! I’ll start writing the script tonight!”

Paul Blart: Mall cop 2

One of the times in my life I was most offended was when someone told me I looked like Kevin James. It stung deep. Granted it was a drunk rapper who said it and I get the feeling he thought all white people look alike but still…I’ll never forget it. But I digress.
For some reason, I have watched Paul Blart Mall cop 1. Well, lemme correct that…I watched about 20 minutes of it and turned it off. That may not sound like anything out of the ordinary but I actually have a high threshold for shitty movies. I’ve watched “Rent” in it’s entirety. I’ve seen “Little man” a few times in passing. But “Paul blart mall cop”? Couldn’t do it…and I was on a fucking plane. Do you know how bad a movie has to be to stop watching it on a plane? That means I’d rather sit in silence, watching the back of seat than even try to entertain myself with a movie. It was that bad. Let’s be honest, Kevin James isn’t very funny. He’s likable. I don’t hate him and I bet he’s a nice guy who, in person, might actually be kinda funny. But as an actor and comedian? Nah, B. He’s got one of those careers that baffles me cause I’ve literally never met a person who champions him. I understand the popularity of the blue collar comedy tour comics more than I do the fact there is a second Paul Blart movie. “Oh, look at the inept dork on a segway fumble his way into crime solving”. Clearly, this is for the kids. I just feel bad for all the parents out there that will have to sit through this horse shit. Shit like that will make you resent your kid and question why you even made him/her in the first place. Thanks Paul Blart!

Hot Pursuit

Every now and then a preview comes along and, right off the bat, you get that feeling of “ohhh…this is a bad idea…”. Unlikely buddy movies often elicit that response cause, let’s face it, it’s well worn territory. Even ones with two actors who I like are kinda suspect. In a way, buddy movies are where funny people end up after they’ve had a little success and wanna cash in. It’s the comedians version of a special effects driven blockbuster. They’re also seemingly a testing ground for Tv actors trying to jump onto the big screen.
In the case of “Hot Pursuit”, we got two ladies I have no problem with. Say what you will about Reese Witherspoon but she’s been good in a bunch of movies and is likable enough. Sofia Vergara…seems like the best person of all time. Is she funny? I dunno. I don’t watch Modern Family. All I know is that she’s insanely hot and old. I also know that she’s famous for literally sleeping her way to the top in the south american soap opera world and I actually respect that…cause it clearly paid off.
But this movie, and movies like it, are so formulaic it’s a wonder they still bother even making it. Still, it feels like one comes out every year and yields the same results. Hi-jinx!
I think what’s most curious about this is who is it’s target audience? Bored Women? Milf lovers? Gay dudes? Latino people? Deaf people? It dips it’s toes in all those pools but, really, i feel like the majority of all those groups can find better movies to fulfill their generalized needs.
This movies is definitely one that I will one day watch on a plane…unless it costs money. i wouldn’t pay to see this bullshit in a million years.

Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen vol. 9

Hi there and good day. In this series, I review movies I have never seen based entirely off their trailers. It’s called reading a book by it’s cover and it’s 85% accurate. Maybe even more. Listen, movies come out all the time…who’s got all that free space in their lives to go a see them? Well, i do actually but fuck all that. Movies are expensive and they mostly suck. So, join me for some sweeping generalizations about movies I will probably either never see or watch reluctantly at 3 am once they show up on cable. Art!

Jupiter ascending

In every young actors career they need that one movie. That movie that comes out years after they have already established themselves as box office gold. It’s a test. Kinda like walking under the bridge and meeting the troll. They’ve made blockbusters. They’ve made critically acclaimed indie films. They’ve done it all…except this one kind of movie. If there was an actor bible it would be page one. “Once your career is going great, Thou must make a convoluted Sci-fi , action movie that costs $100 million , based 80% on the merit of its special effects with a terrible script. The actor must dye his hair a funny color and speak in a marginally recognizable kinda sorta british accent”.
For Channing Tatum, this is that movie. It was only a matter of time. It’s not his fault. It’s how hollywood works. For some, you can come back from it. For others, it’s truly a test of how strong your star power is. Wesley Snipes never recovered. Stephen Dorff went missing after his. Let’s hope Tatum can ride on the strength of “Fox catcher” and not fall a victim like so many young actors before him. God bless and godspeed!


Maybe I’m nostalgic but…I need movies to leave some things from my youth alone. In case of Paddington bear, I have no memories of what he was about. All I know is he wore a hat and a raincoat. I know this cause I owned a Paddington bear stuffed animal when I was a small child. His story of how he became a tiny bear with a hat and a raincoat is not one I’m familiar with. You might think that, hey, perhaps you’d like to find out just how this bear learned to wear clothing and why is he so worried about rain all the fucking time? Well, nope. I’m not. Sometimes, for kids stuff, I just wish things could just be. Can’t he simply be a cute bear with clothes on? Do we have to know everything? Mystery is underrated. Especially concerning things for children. Kids are so visual that all it takes is seeing this bear and they are good to go. They’re all in. Now, I know there were Paddington bear books and I get that this movie will make billions of dollars worldwide. But, i dunno…To me he’s always gonna be that stuffed animal and watching him in his animated “who framed roger rabbit?” glory just seems disrespectful. Shit like this makes me respect Bill Watterson (The guy who made calvin and hobbs) cause he kept that shit on paper. Also, Calvin and hobbes was way fucking cooler than Paddington bear. That dude corny, b.

Backstreet Boys: Show’em what you’re made of

Let me start this off by saying I will 100% watch this movie when it’s available on netflix or cable. I’m a sucker for music docs and this has the potential to be amazing. That said, it will not be amazing. It will be annoying as fuck. Why? Because instead of just tearing the mask off of the backstreet boys and digging deep into the dirt behind the how and why, it will be a cornball ass redemption song about 5 dudes in they’re late 30’s dancing for european moms. I’m sitting here wanting stories of groupies and drug abuse (which you know they have tons of). That would be a fucking movie! Hearing the one who always wears bandanas tell us about the time he pissed on 10 girls at once cause he was too coked up to fuck them. That’s the kind of thing that would take this movie to an honest level of reality. But, nah…it’s gonna simply be them whining about how they were famous once and how it wasn’t really them. Then there will be a brief glazing over of the time between then and now when they all went their separate ways. After that, they will reunite in London to record the new album (as true artists) and then go on tour and dance around on stage in fedoras like it was 1997 again. Yeah yeah yeah…I want coke stories , guys. We all want coke stories. It’s really not that hard.

The wedding Ringer

Get hard

So, you’re really telling me there are two movies about to come out within a few weeks of each other about Kevin Hart helping a nerdy white dude? Are you fucking serious? You would think the studios would have a clause that says “The actor in the movie cannot make a similar movie to this for at least 6 months”. It’s kinda like when I’m touring and there’s a clause that says “The artist cannot perform anywhere within 100 miles of this show for a month before this show”.
But nope! Kevin Hart is unstoppable. Not in his talent or humor but his work ethic. Dude does not say no. I’m not even mad at him. I don’t find him particularly funny but I also don’t think everything he does is shit. He’s kinda right in the middle with me. So, based on the co-stars, I’m thinking “The wedding ringer” will be shittier than “Get hard”. I think that’s kinda obvious. No disrespect to Josh Gad but, come on bro…Will ferrell is still Will ferrell. Sure , “Get hard” could be as bad as “Anchorman 2” (which would be a feat cause, , holy shit, was that bad) but I still have faith.
Both plot lines have been done to death and are pretty much cookie cutter comedies. The “cool guy fixes dork” concept is as old as any. That said, I’d be lying if I said I won’t watch these on a place or hungover on my couch. I feel like movies like this exist for that purpose alone.

Previews reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 8

Who’s got time to see whole movies nowadays? Maybe 10 good movies get made a year so why waste your time seeing some bullshit when you can just watch the previews and judge it based on that? I’m here to do that for you. So, here are my reviews of these movies i haven’t seen , based entirely on their trailers. Trust me, I’m rarely wrong about these things.


It is REALLY hard to get movies made nowadays. Unless you got a huge star and foreign backing, you could be shit out of luck. That is, of course, unless you make horror movies. Horror movies are the opposite. All you need is a half baked idea based on a weak premise and , voila! MONEY. Why? Cause they’re easy and people who can’t make their mind up at the cineplex can be like “Fuck it let’s go see that scary movie about that creepy doll…”. Also, they’re super cheap to make, considering how much money they earn.
Now, I’m down with the genre. I grew up renting cult horror classics from the video store (yes, it was a long time ago). Good horror movies still do exist for sure. But, the majority of them are movies like what I imagine this one will be like. Nameless casts of young attractive people , being scared and killed in boring ways over some dumb shit they could have avoided. They rarely show the violence (shout out to the last Evil dead, as that fucking movie DELIVERED) and it’s mostly just people/flying furniture/children/zombie faced women jumping out at you at predictable moments. I’m not sure what this is rated but the PG-13 horror movie is a real thing and it’s pretty much the dumbest shit you could ever do. It’s like diet cake. What’s the fucking point?
In the case of, Oiuja, it’s following in the footsteps of such classics as “Battleship” and “Clue” in taking a board game and bringing it to the silver screen. I actually just read that there is talk of a Monopoly Movie in the works so, you know, hold on to your fucking seats and DO PASS GO! AMIRITE!?!?!?!
This is one of those previews that pretty much covers all the bases for you. You’ve seen this movie. Many, many times. You know how it ends…and even if it surprises you do you really give a shit? It should also be noted that this will undoubtedly be the start of a Oiuja movie franchise. Why? Cause they can and people will see it. And that’s how that works.

The boy next door

So many funny things going on it this one…I feel as though the best way to approach it would be via bullet points
1)Ohh…STEAMY! I don’t know what jamaican island J-lo went to and what native blew her back out but she has her groove back. Between this and that “Booty” video, she’s walking around like a white girl who just got back from cancun and now is thinking of growing a single dreadlock.
2)I hate to be the guy that points trivial things out but…
For one, J-lo plays the mom of a dorky white child. Umm…okay. At least teach that little prick some spanish. He needs some latin flavor, J-lo!
Secondly, the dude who plays the young high school hunk is maybe 33 years old. I know these are givens in movies but, come on…That guy looks more like someone who’s been working at a firehouse for a decade than a teenager.
3)Much like the lazy horror movie, the 80’s/90’s movie rehash for cash is a goldmine that will get green lit without a second thought. Back in the 90’s, there was a movie called “The crush” and another movie called “fear” (which is fucking awesome, btw). Add a little “Fatal attraction” and you have what we see before you. This movie is those three movies…but with J-lo and that really old kid.
I think part of the problem with these formulaic rehashes is that they don’t go the extra mile. You wanna make this movie special? How bout kick that sex scene up a couple notches and , instead of making it all corny and “sensual”, have the dude actually have sex with j-lo. Like for real, for real. Penetration and everything. They could do it “artistically”. That alone would make this movie the most talked about thing of the year. And later, when he goes nuts, how bout some real , fucked up hardcore violence? Have you seen the movie “Irreversible”? Like the first scene in that movie. Then, like that, you have taken this soulless and empty movie and turned it into a cutting edge horror/thriller that people will never forget. But, nah…let’s just play it safe. The edgiest this movie gets is that it’s hinted at that the young guy goes down on J-lo. He did that so you know he’s a bad boy. ohhhhh Kill’em!

Wish I was here

This is that movie that Zach Braff got made via kickstarter. My opinion on a millionaire getting poorer strangers to pay for his movie to be made is another topic so, I leave that alone and just focus on the preview itself.
This movie looks like a really well made parody movie in the realm of “Date movie” or “scary movie” and it should be called “indie movie”. It’s got it all! Off color jokes for the whole family, sick/dying parents, dealing with sadness, personal discovery, music that seems made specifically for these kinda movies (the thought of Zack braff’s I-tunes playlists is bone chilling), running in a desert/field while finally figuring it all out.
This is the type of movie that you see the preview for, while on a date, and the girl turns to you and says “Oh, that looks good!” and you immediately reevaluate if it’s worth sleeping with her. It’s the basic bitch of indie movies.
I don’t know what it is about Zack Braff that makes him so unlikable. His face? His kermit like voice? Or that I’ve heard he’s a total ego maniac prick in real life. Whatever it is, he’s one of those love or hate kinda actors. You know, now that I think about it, I think it’s cause he could so easily be the guy who fucked your girl and you’d be like “What? You fucked Zack braff?!? What? Why? Him?!?!!?” and the girl wouldn’t even know what to say cause she’s just as shocked and ashamed as you are.

Dracula untold

I realize this is a different take on the whole Dracula movie. So, while I am completely over and done with any movie that has anything to do with Dracula , I do see how this could be different. Truth be told though, vampire shit BEEN corny. At least zombie related stuff can be awesome and extremely gory. Vampire movies tend to be either for teenaged girls or all about some british dandy who sleeps all day and happens to need human blood to survive.
Also, why does dracula always have to be handsome and charming? You would think a pale shut in would maybe just once be a fucking dork. You know who’d make a great dracula? 80’s comedian Emo Phillips.
Look at that guy. Throw a cape and some fake teeth on him and he’s ready to go. He’ll suck your blood and be REALLY weird about it. Cause let’s be honest, Dracula was probably a total anti social loser.
As for this movie itself, you know…it looks like one of these fucking movies. Special effects, inner turmoil and probably a love story that everyone seeing it will think is completely unnecessary. This is another movie that, if they really went for it, I bet they could knock it out the park. The concept of the untold story of Dracula has a lot of room to be good. Maybe his untold story is that he’s a cutter? or perhaps he’s got a deep foot fetish that haunts him? I wanna know about that. I could give a fuck about all this other stuff though. Lemme inside the REAL Dracula, bro.

Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen vol. 7

I love movies. At the same time, I don’t have the time or the desire to see about 99% of what comes out. When that’s the case, I like to take the “read a book by its cover” approach to life and simply judge the movie entirely by it’s preview. It’s a huge time saver and I’ve rarely been wrong. I mean, it happens but that’s what cable is for.
So, here are some reviews of movies I have never seen based on the two and half minute trailer. Sweeping generalizations…get familiar.

Dolphin Tale 2

The streets were asking for a sequel and hollywood obliged. Now, I never saw the first one cause I’m an adult with no kids but I think this is about a dolphin with a bionic tail. He’s like the Oscar Pistorius of dolphins, minus the murder. From the looks of the preview, this movies delves deep into the problem of dolphin depression. Something I feel we all should not take lightly. In fact, I may start a “Dolphin sperm” challenge to raise awareness. This is a challenge where you drink a shot glass full of dolphin spunk or simply donate money to the “Frowning flipper foundation”. It’s your choice but, you know what? It’s for a seriously good cause, guys.
Oh, yeah, so this movie…Looks to me like a drawn out story of how a bunch of people got two dolphins to fuck each other. I suppose that makes it a romance? Either way, I wouldn’t let my hypothetical kid watch this kind of aqua-smut.
Side note, you know you’re dealing with a kids movie when serious things are happening and , somehow, children are involved in the process. Like that little boy and girl have a say about anything involving this fucking dolphin. Come on! When I see a coming of age dolphin movie for 8 year old, all i ask is for some realism!

A walk among the tombstones

I’m not much of a reader. I’m not illiterate but I might as well be. So, when i see a movie like this and how it’s “based on a best selling novel” , for some reason, it bugs me out. It so clearly seems like a movie that was just an original screenplay and nothing else. Basic revenge action movie. But then I think “Whoa, someone actually wrote a book about Liam Neeson doing what Liam Neeson does in every movie he’s in. What are the chances?”
Here’s the thing, I’ll watch this movie. I loved “Taken”. We all loved “Taken”. So much ,in fact, that Neeson has pretty much stopped doing any roles that don’t consist of hunting other people down and killing them out of revenge or civic duty. That’s his pocket and he is the best at it. It’s a very specific market to corner but, hey, let that boy cook. He’s 50 something and pretty much the most feared man in movies. I hope when I’m that age I can still play basketball, let alone murder an entire albanian death squad with one gun and a few jujitsu moves. He’s like the adult contemporary version of “The Rock” and , as a person drifting into middle age, that’s something I can get behind.

Into the Storm

I can see the executives mulling over this script saying
“Check it out, bad weather is a reality, fellas…how bout we make the bad weather movie to end all bad weather movies?”
Then another guy responds “You mean like “Twister”?”
“Yeah, just like “Twister” but with a dash of “The day after tomorrow” just to spice it up!”
“Perfect. here’s a billion dollars. Let’s do this!”
My beef with weather based movies is that there is no villain. You can’t beat weather.I suppose that’s the point but I just don’t give a fuck to see 4 unlikable people who happened to survive tornado-geddon via out smarting weather.
When you think about it, as Americans, there are a few things that really scare us on a national level. The idea of a crazy virus spreading, terrorist attacks and natural disasters. I know how movies like this play off those fears but this is fucking ridiculous. There was a fire tornado! A FIRE TORNADO, DUDE!!!! That’s some Sci-fi network shit. I imagine, in the near future, there will be a movie about a hurricane that also has full blown AIDS. It’s will be one motherfucker of a storm!
It should also be noted that storm chasers are crazy people. I applaud their balls but that’s step above being a lava taster, as far as jobs i’d want to look into.

50 Shades of grey

Holy shit is my pussy wet right now.
I’ve been vaguely following this movies creation and it’s been entertaining. Lots of people not wanting to be in it. Like b-list motherfuckers who would probably be on a TBS sitcom but were like “50 shades of grey? Nah, I’m good on that”.
Obviously, i didn’t read the book but, from what I hear it’s a fabio type romance novel written for desperate lonely moms but with more whips and butt play. As a book, that’s fine. Read it while your shitty husband sleeps and fantasize that some hunky bro is giving you analingus. I get that. But, as a movie? You realize that Cinemax pretty much has a movie just like this playing at 2 in the afternoon on any given day. This is soft core porn for moms. 22 year olds ain’t trying to go see this shit in the theaters. I almost wanna go see this in the theaters myself just to witness the crowd. A whole bunch of sewing circles , sneaking wine into the theaters, wearing an extra pair of underwear…just in case things get steamy. That made me a little nauseous. Sorry.
Clearly, I’m not the target audience for this but I can only hope my mom isn’t either.

Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 6

Hi there. Movies are expensive, AMIRITE?!? Sometimes, all you need to see is shown in the trailers. I’d venture to say the majority of movies we see are worse than their previews. So, Instead of wasting two hours and 15 bucks on sitting through some crap I know I’ll hate, I opt to review the trailers. It’s a time saver and, honestly, I have a pretty high success rate with these reviews. I definitely didn’t get “Gravity” right but, come on…who saw that one coming?
Anyway, join me as i talk entirely out of my ass about movies I have never seen.

Horrible bosses 2

Sequels are a curious thing. 95% of the time they’re terrible but , at least, I understand why they exist. The original movie made some people a lot of money so those people wanna cash in again. In the case of things like The Hunger Games or Lord of the rings, it’s makes all the sense in the world. I don’t care about either of those franchises, but I get it. However, comedy sequels are a problem. Right now, I’m sitting here trying to think of a really good comedy sequel. I recall loving Police Academy 3 when I was a kid. Bill and Ted’s second movie was actually better than the first one. Adam’s family values, Naked Gun, Airplane…so, it’s not like they haven’t existed BUT, in general, comedic sequels are the worst. Anyone who’s seen the newest Anchorman can attest to that.
In the case of “horrible bosses”, we have a movie that was pretty wack to begin with, didn’t need a sequel and , honestly, could have just been left alone to become a mild cult favorite for dumb people that plays on Comedy Central 5 times a week. That’s should be “Horrible Bosses” legacy, at best. But, instead, they opted to get the whole cast together and pretty much do the norm for comedy sequels. Follow the exact same formula as the first one , rehashing old jokes and basically giving the consumer exactly what they want…to a fault.
So, depending on where you stand, this could be a perfectly fine movie. If you’re the type who likes to repeat catch phrases from movies all the time, this might be your shit. If you loved “Horrible Bosses” and thought “man, I’d love to watch this again, I just wish it could be done where all the scenery in the first one was subtly changed and the lines were different…but it’s the exact same film”, then this will be a game changer from. Keep in mind, I’m basing this off the trailer but I’d pretty much bet my life on this prediction.

Reach Me

This is like if the makers of the Expendables and Sharknado joined forces. The casting power of the Expendables , getting every character actor from the 90’s and b-list non-star they could find (Nelly! E from Entourage!) crossed with whatever type of cameras they use to make those sci-fi channel movies. I think it’s hand held camcorders but I could be wrong about that. This is an ensemble fucking cast right here. Kevin Bacon not being in this movie is a minor tragedy.
As for the movie itself, I honestly have no clue what’s going on. Seems like one of those “everyone’s got their troubles, can’t we all find a common ground” kinda movies that consist of a lot of people giving knowing looks to one another after someone yelling life advice at them. You know…that kinda movie. Basically, this is like if someone made a movie about shitty advice. Did i mention Nelly is in it? Andelay andelay mami e-iiiiiiiii! What’s poppin’ tonight!


Now, I have no intention of seeing this but I’m of the school of thought that The Rock is the perfect action star. I fucking love him. Even though i’m pretty sure hercules was not a samoan/black dude, i think casting him in this gives it the best possible chance to be not terrible. He’s huge, charming, funny and his acting level perfectly fits what roles like this call for. That said, there seems to be a problem with action movies that take place in olden times of armor and chariots. The problem is that they tend to fucking suck. It’s funny that a TV show like “Game of Thrones” came along and knocked it out the park, meanwhile, all these types of fantasy/action movies seem to suffer from the same bullshit. Corny effects, terrible scripts and, most of all, lead actors that can’t carry the movie. While I’m pretty sure this will follow suit in the first two departments , at least I know the Rock will do his best to make this watchable.

Let’s be honest. What people wanna see , with movies like this ,is action , cool special effects and violence. That’s it. In general, action movies are best when they trim the fat (love stories, emotional plot lines) and just go hard in the paint. Take the recent judge Dread remake. It was literally an hour and half of violence and it was fucking awesome. How much better would every Godzilla type movie be if it began with the attack and ended with the creature being killed (or whatever). All the dumb backstory doesn’t matter. No one cares why. We just wanna see crazy shit happen in a visually stimulating way. That said, This movie is probably rated PG-13 so it doesn’t even have a chance but, goddamnit, I’m still rooting for the Rock.

Get on up
Jimi: All is by my side

Here’s a two for one. Two music biopics coming out soon. In one, we have the guy who played Jackie Robinson playing James Brown (Dude has the biopic game on lock, dun). The other , we have Andre 3000 playing Jimi Hendrix.
Now, I have a funny relationship with musician Biopics. I’ll watch any of them (on Tv) but I generally think they’re terrible movies. Cadillac Records, ray, Walk the line…all watchable but, overall, crappy movies. I think it’s hard to make a movie about someone who was so revered without falling into common traps. The “roller coaster ride of a life” story is one that comes up in every one cause, well, that’s how they lived. Ups and down. It’s not like the film director and writers is gonna skip all that. They can’t. So, it not their fault. These moves are set up to be corny. Even when they end in tragedy, heartstrings are getting pulled in a manipulative way. This is fine and all but I think my issue is that, when making a movie about a music legend, they tend to do it with kid gloves. Sure, they’ll show them during the bad times, strung out on drugs and cheating on their wives. But, outside of that, they’re fucking saints. i know it’s a lot to ask for and it would be disrespectful to the families but, just once, i’d like to see a biopic where they portrayed the star like the asshole he was. Let’s be honest, musicians are some of the most selfish and self centered people on earth. Let’s see that expressed on the big screen! I bet they could make a movie about Ty cobb’s life and they’d still find a way to make it sentimental. Just once, I want a famous talented person to die in a movie about them and feel like “You know what? It was his time to go…fuck that guy…”
In the case of these two movies, The james brown one seems more interesting to me. Simply cause I’m more curious about his come up. Also, unlike the Jimi Hendrix movie, they got the right to use his music in their film which is gonna make a huge difference. Meanwhile, the Jimi movie is gonna have clips of him performing weird versions of songs they couldn’t get the licensing for. Hits such as “Purple hanes” , “Foxy woman” and “all along the seetower”. And , listen, Andre 3000 is a fantastic rapper. We all love him. But he’s not a good actor. He might one day be one, but just from the clips in this trailer, it’s clear he’s not there yet. I know we’re all programmed to love everything that dude does (for good reason, he’s unbelievably talented) but acting is not one of his gifts.
While, it sounds like I’m shitting on these movies, rest assured, i will watch them on cable. Over and over again. I think i’ve seen “Ray” like 15 times by now. I’m a sucker for music based movies. The key word there is “Sucker” though.

Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen vol. 5

It’s time once again for the magic of sweeping generalizations. Listen, I love movies. But I’m not trying to see every piece of shit that hits the theaters. Sometimes, all we need to know about the film is in the preview. So, this is where I forgo the who “watching a movie” thing and simply watch the previews and review the film based entirely on that. Short sighted? Sure. Not fair to the film makers? Certainly. But, you know what? I’d be willing to bet I’ve been right about 90% of the time here so that’s not really a poor success rate. So, without further ado, here is a new edition of “Preview reviews of Movies I’ve never seen”.


Here is my interpretation of how the pitch went for this movie:
Film maker- Okay, I got this idea for a movie. It’s a horror movie…
Producer- I’m in! When do we start shooting?
Film maker-But don’t you even wanna hear what it’s about?
Producer-Do I need to? We got money to make it and it’s scary, right? We’re good.
Film maker-But I feel as if you should hear how th…
Producer- Lemme guess. Something is haunted or something, there are attractive kids who know more than the adults. Scary visuals of ominous creatures lurking in the back ground,supernatural stuff pops out and scares you yada yada yada…I get it. I’ve been to the movies. It’s a go.
Film Maker-Well, yeah but it’s more than that it’s…
Producer- Kid, listen, you did a great job directing those commercials. I’m not asking for an oscar here. Just make whatever this is. All I ask is that it’s rated PG-13 and that the name be fantastic.
Film maker-umm…okay. Well, it’s called “Oculus” and it’s…
Producer-Stop the fucking presses! “Oculus”? That’s amazing. I’m all in. I don’t care what it’s about. It could be about a fucking stupid haunted mirror and I’d make this movie! Sign here!
Film maker-oh…ummm…cool. *shuffles off quietly with a check in his hand*


Ever since the Matrix came out, every year a new sci-fi movie comes out that’s basically a nerd jerking off onto a script at his own cleverness. Problem is, it’s always some worm hole based ,vague “In the future, things will be like this…” kinda angle that I tend to lose interest in the second it starts. They’re often convoluted to a point where I don’t think the film makers themselves really could explain what’s going on…but they look cool so who fucking cares? I mean, shit, you see that body float towards the end or the trailer? That dude must be bugging, right? He floatin’!
Admittedly, I’m not a sci-fi guy so this isn’t for me. I’m sure people will love this though. To be honest, the thing I’m most excited about with this movie is what the transgendered porn spin-off title will be. With they go simple and just call it “TRANScendence” or get funky and call it something like “Trans-men-dance”. Only time will answer that riddle.


Okay…Am i crazy or did Adam Sandler already make this movie? I clearly recall and movie I watched on cable while playing Candy Crush about Adam Sandler and a girl he’s not romantically involved taking their families on a vacation where…they find love. It’s a tough , uphill battle but, gosh darn it, it fucking happens!
Oh wait…it was this.

Wow. It’s no secret that Adam Sandler ran out of ideas (or stopped caring) a looooong time ago. I’m not even mad at the dude. He’s a family man. He made some great movies and , now, it’s just a pay check. But, that said, if you see this movie, you’re an asshole or have kids. One or the other. There is no in between. Your girl says “Hey, let’s go see ‘Blended’!” she’s not the one. Your boyfriend drags you to this, tell him your going to the bathroom and never come back. Not cause this movie will even be THAT bad. Sure, it’ll be bad. Without question but , more than anything, it just sorta exists. It exists as a unexplicable money-making machine that takes the dollars out of target and walmart shoppers pockets everywhere. But , hey, at least Sandler is reliable. You know what you’re getting with this and , i suppose, that’s all people really need.

Under the skin

This is one of those trailers that’s made to both entice and confuse. Indie Stylezzzzz. For the life of me, I have no fucking clue what this movie is about. Is she a hooker? Perhaps a killer hooker? Maybe a grifter? What I do know is about this is that…wait a second…isn’t this that movie where scarlett Johansson gets naked a lot? Hold up. I’m not one to really ever watch something simply cause it’s got a hot girl I want to see naked get naked but, you know what? This looks artsy. Yeah. Real Artsy. High brow even. I mean, look at the preview. She’s hopping around from random location to random location, wearing that fur coat doing all sorts of artsy facial expressions. Is she in a forrest? But she was just in an urban setting. Crazy! She even dyes her hair black! That plus the fact she shows off the goods in this makes me think this must be truly high level film making. Pretty sure this one has gotten good reviews too. So, umm, yeah. It would be with no creepy reasoning that I’d definitely see this movie. Perhaps during a lightly attended matinée or something. By myself.

Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 4

Going to movies is great. But the best part? The previews, AMIRITE?!?!?! No, i’m not right. That’s total bullshit but still, previews are a great way to waste time and finish your pop corn before the actual film begins. Like most people, I tend to sit there, watching the previews and judging them. “That’s looks good” or “Definitely not gonna see that piece of shit” seem to be the two go to standards. This column is taking that idea and going a little deeper. I have not seen any of these movies. In fact, I doubt I ever will. Why? Cause I don’t need to. It’s all in the preview. So, these are my reviews of movies I’ve never seen based entirely off the 2 minute preview. A real time saver.

Need for Speed

What do you do when life has you in a corner? When it seems like the whole world is against you and you have no way out? The clear answer: Fight back…with cars.
Yes, only driving really fast can make a difference. Who needs guns or even the ability to resolve problems using common sense. Nope. This is no time for that. This is a moment where only buckling your seatbelt, checking your rearview mirrors and tearing asphalt can make things better.
With the death of Paul Walker, I bet all you Fast and Furious heads were clamoring for that next shit. Well, here it is. This is the Phish to the Fast and Furious’ Grateful Dead. The problem with this, when compared to FATF Franchise is that it seems to take itself very seriously. I mean, the dude is pretty much reading a high school poem over the entire preview. Not a good look considering the average person going to this is either gonna be high, drunk or just likes explosions.
Does it look like shit? Oh yeah. Is it an odd choice for Aaron Paul’s first post Breaking bad role? Big time. But who cares? If you’re going to see this movie, you know exactly what you’re gonna get. A tiny , intense man driving expensive and rare cars very fast. Now, depending where you land on the spectrum of people who are easily entertained, this MAY be your shit.


Now, I’m not history buff but, um…this is based on a true story, right? Kinda sorta?
If memory serves me, from 5th grade history class, Pompeii was a city that was buried under lava when a huge Volcano shat all over them. I could be wrong about that but I’m not trying to wiki that shit right now.
While that could make for a cool movie if done realistically, this one looks as if it’s taking the disaster movie template and shaking it up. No, this isn’t just 2 hours of dudes in loin cloths waiting for their inevitable demise. Nope, these bro’s are gonna fight the volcano! Or at least out smart it. It’s kinda like “The Day after tomorrow” where the people literally run away from freezing coldness and survived by simply running up a high enough hill so the water from the tidal wave didn’t reach them.
Your boy Jon Snow from “Game of Thrones” gotta branch out too. I know these period pieces are his hot zone right now but, my dude…do a rom-com or something. You can’t be the doe eyed reluctant hero forever.
I’d like to say this movie is a waste of time cause you know how it ends. But, there’s a part of me that thinks this won’t end how I think. Ideally, the entire cast gets melt down or frozen in ash but I have a sneaking suspicion that a few people make it out. hell, two of them in particular might find that love triumphs over all. Especially an unstoppable force of nature that would kill everything.

Tyler perry’s The Single Moms Club

Weird timing on a sequel to “Dallas buyers club” but okay…
I’ve never seen a tyler perry movie. Is that racist? Nah, it’s common sense.
Now , this film…wow. First off, shout out to Mr. Perry for casting himself as a desirable straight male. That’s some ballsy casting. In that short scene where he’s flirting with the lovely Nia long, you can see the chemistry. Very brotherly.
The casting in these kinds of movies is always interesting to me. They get people we mostly recognize but who also are pretty happy to be getting a job in a movie that people might actually see. I’m glad to see the girl from Reno 911 getting work and Amy Smart never bothered me. I can’t help but think the both got this script and thought long and hard about it. Like “Shit…this is absolute garbage but I do need money…my kids grade school doesn’t pay for itself”. And Terry crews actually is pretty successful. Scratching my head why he’s in it. surely, Lean was available. Or Morris Chestnut.
As a film itself, this is clearly not for the fellas. But, ladies? This is the film equivalent of Brunch with four girls you went to college with but haven’t seen in years. Seems like a good idea but you will leave knowing you’re never going through that pointless bullshit again. Unless, of course, you’re a total cornball. Oh wait, I forgot the target audience. Single moms! Here’s an inside scoop, if the target audience’s title is in the name of the movie, there’s a good chance that movie is pandering. Just saying.

Basically, If “How stella got her groove back” is your shit, you’ll leave this thinking “That was okay”. And, after all, isn’t that how art is supposed to make us feel?

The Silver Surfer

(Note: It has been bought to my attention that this is, in fact, a fake preview for a movie that does not exist. Well, for starters, THANK GOD. But, beyond that, it’s still a “preview” and I’m reviewing previews so calm the fuck down everyone. No, i never read the fine print.)
wait wait wait…before I address the movie, can we talk about the voice over? Holy shit. That can’t be serious. Your man needs to put down that glass of hot milk and blow his nose like no man before him ever has. How on earth did they pick that voice to be one that guides you through this preview. Galactus?!??! HAHAHAHAHA…get the fuck outta here. He sounds like a nerdy Dungeon master (is the redundant?) trainee working his way up through the ranks.
Oh, so this movie.
How many more Superhero’s we got left? We almost done? Luckily “Entourage” probably buried Aquaman so that’s one less. Surely no one really gives a shit about the Silver Surfer, right? Dude looks like Powder. The special effects harken back to the Terminator 2 era which begs the question, is this film half animated? Like on some “Who framed Roger Rabbit?” shit? It kinda looks like it. Pretty sure I’ve seen better visuals being projected on the walls at electronic jam band festivals.
if you really think about a superhero who surfs, it’s kinda funny. I’d imagine Marvel came up with this idea back in the early 60’s, when the Beach Boys were all the rage. It would be like having a super hero now whose super power is texting really well. Actually, that’s a movie I’d watch. Some superhero from another dimension who’s skills with smart phones make him extraordinary. Maybe he could be silver too? Or fuck that…Platinum, son. Look out for “The Platinum texter”, coming soon.