Movies are great, right? I watch them all the time and get great joy from them. Hell, I’ve watched “Zodiac” like 5 times this month just cause it was on, and I’ve seen it like 45 times already. But, sometimes, movies are a let down. Well, let’s be honest. Most movies are a let down. Such is the way of the world with art , in general. There is just too much out there to waste 2 hours on when all you really need to do is watch the preview to understand exactly what you will be getting. That’s where I come in. I review the previews for you so you don’t even have to watch those either. I know you’re busy. So, instead of watching a two minute youtube clip, spend 4 minutes reading me rant about some shit I have no idea about. Makes sense, right? #logic

Nerve

Hollywood loooooves to makes movies with young people about technology gone wrong. This is probably cause hollywood is full of both nerds who love technology and old people who are terrified of it. So, you know, if you write a script about some made up internet thing that turns out to be an evil empire that can only be toppled by two millennials , CHA-CHING!!!!
Watching this preview, it reminded me of when “Hackers” came out, minus the futuristic outfits (which have almost become a reality thanks to Russell Westbrook). It’s a glimpse into the not so distant future but also a paranoid idea of a world where trolling people becomes big business in the form of an online truth or dare game. Like, if they find themselves in deep shit…can’t they just stop? Surely this is covered in this movie (I’ll never find out) but it’s not like the internet got a gun to head of their mothers. Then again, if you’ve ever tried to cancel your facebook page, you know that removing yourself from a website can be a real nightmare. So, perhaps, there’s some truth to this.
More than anything, the idea that two 22 year olds would have the mind, heart and soul to overcome anything, let alone a huge corporation trying to ruin their lives cause “why not!?!” is the most comical thing to me. Like, these kids are too busy taking pictures of food, snapchatting their assholes to each other and writing shitty yelp reviews to truly ever figure out how to take down the illuminati. Am i selling millennials short? Sure. But it’s only to even the playing field cause hollywood got them being super heroes in the future/not future.

Now you see me 2

I’mma take this idea of reviewing previews one step further into peak generalization and not even watch this preview….and still review it. Yup…I have crossed over into a new plane of dismissiveness but, trust me , it’s for a purpose.
“Now you see me” , the original, was one of those movies I casually watched on cable. It started, I was home so I watched it. It was baffling how bad it was. Like…wow. A real “how did this movie get made?!!?” moment. But, like most shitty things, you watch it, shrug your shoulders and move on. I never checked to see if it was a success or if it was enjoyed by the people of rotten tomatoes. I just kinda assumed it did “ok” was panned by anyone with half a brain and that was that.
So, when i see they made a second one, I was shocked and had all sorts of questions. Why? How? What? Huh?
To remind you, the first one was about some bad ass magicians. I’ll stop right there cause that phrase , in itself, doesn’t make sense. I love Penn and Teller. They are much more than magicians, in my mind. But, “bad ass” isn’t exactly what comes to mind when I think of them. A guy like Cris Angel, who’s whole existence is spent trying to be the bad boy of pulling doves out his sleeve, is a dork with Dave navarro hair. Still not a bad ass. So, this movie having the balls to try and make that a thing would be like me making a movie about a group of bedroom producers who run a successful fight club, even though we all know beat makers are anti social shut ins with anxiety issues.
So, to make a SECOND one of these is just…I don’t know…incredible? Like someone wrote a script, it got picked up, actors were called. Sets were designed, locations were scouted (las vegas), craft services was used. All this happened so this movie could exist when I’m fairly certain the first one was enjoyed by only a handful of 14 year old boys and , perhaps, Cris Angel. But, hey, whatever works I suppose. For all i know, this will make 200 million dollars it’s first week…or, maybe, it will just disappear, like the title promises. Whatever the case, this movie is this summers “eh…I guess I’d see that…” last second option for anyone who went to a theater with no game plan/the thing they went to see is sold out.

Me Before you

Movies about disabled people are tricky. It’s like , due to the subject matter, you’re not allowed to have an opinion on the movie itself. It’s “brave” out the gate. The problem is, let’s be honest, most movies about disabled people are shmaltzy, pandering horseshit designed to make people cry. For every great movie about the topic (“My left foot” come to mind. That one about the parapalegic who has sex was good too), something like this comes alone. It’s like a typical terrible romance movie…but with a little twist! So, this super hot, down on her luck, lost in a life lady lands the job taking care of a disabled guy (cause no training is needed for that kind of thing) and he turns out to be a handsome and charming, yet paralyzed, billionnaire. But then, get this…she’s there to help him but then HE ends up TEACHING HER…about herself! Shut the front door!!! And wait…lemme guess…does he fall in love with her and learn to open his cold heart and see life in a more flowery way? It’s like rediscovering the wheel for the five millionth time!
Also, I feel bad for Emilia Clark cause she’s always gonna be Khaleesi no matter how many movies she makes. It’s the gift and curse of being on a wildly popular tv show. So, anyone who sees this is gonna be like “Oh yeah, the one where Khaleesi falls in love with a guy in a wheelchair?!?!”. That’s gotta burn.

Listen man…Ain’t nobody got time to be seeing every movie that comes out. I’ve already made it my life goal to never see the new star wars so it’s not like I’m heading to the theater for just anything. In times like this, I’d rather just watch the preview and base my entire opinion on that. Unfair? Certainly but, you’d be surprised by how on point my intuition can be. So, today, I will be reviewing these based only on the trailers and all the preconceived notions I have about the people involved with said movie. Why not? If nothing else…It’s a time saver for us all.

Pride and Prejudice and zombies

I have this problem. When i see a movie that takes place in certain eras, I tune out. This isn’t specific to one era but #1 with a bullet is anything that takes place in the 1800’s starring british people. It’s nothing personal but I simply could not care less about anything than that 100 year span in that particular place.
This movie , however, must know that I’m not alone in those feelings. I’m not even a millennial. If I don’t give a fuck about that era, they must not even know it happened. So what do they do to spark interest? ADD ZOMBIES.
Yes, Zombies. When your movie is a shit storm that no one wants to sit through, just add a bunch of slow walking flesh eaters. Cause, as you know, motherfuckers love zombies. Or do they?
I mean…there is no questioning that zombie movies took off a while back, leading to “The walking dead” , which was/is a huge success. That said, I feel as though we’re about done here. It’s been covered. Much like when everyone tried to remake the formula of “Twilight” , the zombie movie has been done to death and it’s a wrap. Someone thought they were clever and was like “I know it’s beating a dead horse but…what if we took zombies and threw them in a Jane Austin era type setting…also, GIRL POWER! I see slow motion flip kicks and corsets!”.
I legit imagine movie meetings being exactly like that.
Sufficed to say, this movie looks like it’s the fucking worst and will bomb horrifically, as it should.

Now you see me 2

I am ashamed to say I have seen “Now you see me”. In my defense, having cable and hangovers makes you watch things you normally wouldn’t. If you’re wondering, it was bad. But not just “normal bad”. It was ‘I wish there was someone else in the room so i could look at the like “what the fuck is this shit?” ‘ kinda bad. I literally had to call someone after I watched it, to talk about how shitty it was. That’s rare.
So, to my surprise, they’re making a sequel. The gang is all back! I think…I’m not even gonna lie. I barely lifted my eyes up to look at the screen while it was playing cause fuck this movie and fuck everyone in it.
Sequels are cash grabs. They are rarely good and ,generally, just the original poorly rehashed. So, even when good movies do them, the results are painful. I don’t wanna be a bummer but the chances of Zoolander 2 being good are very low. But this movie? I mean…if it can somehow be worse than the first one? I feel like time may collapse. Everyone in the theater will implode like the house at the end of Poltergeist. So, do yourself a favor and avoid this one, for your own safety.

Deadpool


I feel like, excluding girls who want to have sex with him, everyone hates Ryan Reynolds. I actually don’t have a problem with him. Still, every time he’s in a movie , people groan as if it’s his fault he got cast in it. To be fair, he’s only been in , like, two watchable movies but one of those is the heavily slept on “Just friends” that you should go see immediately. Thing about Reynolds is that he’s a sarcastic funny guy who happens to be super handsome and built like an action star. So, he always gets cast as these hero types but, in reality, he’s much better suited to be Van wilder until the day he dies.
So, there’s that…then you got this whole “let’s make a movie about every superhero ever written” thing that Marvel is doing. I’m not a comic book guy. I’m not a superhero movie guy, in general. But, man, are they scraping the bottom of the barrel. At least they just put Jessica Jones on Netflix. What the fuck is a “Deadpool”? Well, judging from the preview, it’s a new kinda super hero. He got jokes, yo! Lord knows, every good superhero needs some witty tag lines. Luckily for us all, Deadpool is all tag lines. So, expect a whole lot of “Mind if I drop in?” when he flies through the air into a group of bad guys. Depending where you stand, that could be awesome or terrible to you. You make the call.

Dirty grandpa

I can’t be the only one who saw this and immediately thought “Didn’t Johnny Knoxville make this movie?”. But no, that’s was “Bad Grandpa” and this is totally different. The world has been clamoring for a movie where Zac Efron and Robert Dinero do comedy together. Well, world, your prayers have been answered. Finally , 19 year old girls and their surly dads have a movie they can sit through uncomfortably together.
I always feel that movies like this are made specifically for the people in them. For Efron, he get’s to work with a legend. For Dinero, he get’s to go to a beach for a month to film and make some more money. Also, he gets to take a weak stab at having a new generation remember who he is. Spoiler alert: They don’t care.
But, outside of the actors, who is this movie for? There is no target audience here. Which is mind boggling considering this movie must have gone through all sorts of focus groups. This is the film equivalent of throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. Yeah, it’s probably slap against the wall, leave a small stain and plop back to the ground within seconds BUT, PERHAPS, a few chunks will actually stick. You never know! After all, they made a sequel for “Red” so anything is possible.

I love movies. At the same time, I don’t have the time or the desire to see about 99% of what comes out. When that’s the case, I like to take the “read a book by its cover” approach to life and simply judge the movie entirely by it’s preview. It’s a huge time saver and I’ve rarely been wrong. I mean, it happens but that’s what cable is for.
So, here are some reviews of movies I have never seen based on the two and half minute trailer. Sweeping generalizations…get familiar.

Dolphin Tale 2

The streets were asking for a sequel and hollywood obliged. Now, I never saw the first one cause I’m an adult with no kids but I think this is about a dolphin with a bionic tail. He’s like the Oscar Pistorius of dolphins, minus the murder. From the looks of the preview, this movies delves deep into the problem of dolphin depression. Something I feel we all should not take lightly. In fact, I may start a “Dolphin sperm” challenge to raise awareness. This is a challenge where you drink a shot glass full of dolphin spunk or simply donate money to the “Frowning flipper foundation”. It’s your choice but, you know what? It’s for a seriously good cause, guys.
Oh, yeah, so this movie…Looks to me like a drawn out story of how a bunch of people got two dolphins to fuck each other. I suppose that makes it a romance? Either way, I wouldn’t let my hypothetical kid watch this kind of aqua-smut.
Side note, you know you’re dealing with a kids movie when serious things are happening and , somehow, children are involved in the process. Like that little boy and girl have a say about anything involving this fucking dolphin. Come on! When I see a coming of age dolphin movie for 8 year old, all i ask is for some realism!

A walk among the tombstones

I’m not much of a reader. I’m not illiterate but I might as well be. So, when i see a movie like this and how it’s “based on a best selling novel” , for some reason, it bugs me out. It so clearly seems like a movie that was just an original screenplay and nothing else. Basic revenge action movie. But then I think “Whoa, someone actually wrote a book about Liam Neeson doing what Liam Neeson does in every movie he’s in. What are the chances?”
Here’s the thing, I’ll watch this movie. I loved “Taken”. We all loved “Taken”. So much ,in fact, that Neeson has pretty much stopped doing any roles that don’t consist of hunting other people down and killing them out of revenge or civic duty. That’s his pocket and he is the best at it. It’s a very specific market to corner but, hey, let that boy cook. He’s 50 something and pretty much the most feared man in movies. I hope when I’m that age I can still play basketball, let alone murder an entire albanian death squad with one gun and a few jujitsu moves. He’s like the adult contemporary version of “The Rock” and , as a person drifting into middle age, that’s something I can get behind.

Into the Storm

I can see the executives mulling over this script saying
“Check it out, bad weather is a reality, fellas…how bout we make the bad weather movie to end all bad weather movies?”
Then another guy responds “You mean like “Twister”?”
“Yeah, just like “Twister” but with a dash of “The day after tomorrow” just to spice it up!”
“Perfect. here’s a billion dollars. Let’s do this!”
My beef with weather based movies is that there is no villain. You can’t beat weather.I suppose that’s the point but I just don’t give a fuck to see 4 unlikable people who happened to survive tornado-geddon via out smarting weather.
When you think about it, as Americans, there are a few things that really scare us on a national level. The idea of a crazy virus spreading, terrorist attacks and natural disasters. I know how movies like this play off those fears but this is fucking ridiculous. There was a fire tornado! A FIRE TORNADO, DUDE!!!! That’s some Sci-fi network shit. I imagine, in the near future, there will be a movie about a hurricane that also has full blown AIDS. It’s will be one motherfucker of a storm!
It should also be noted that storm chasers are crazy people. I applaud their balls but that’s step above being a lava taster, as far as jobs i’d want to look into.

50 Shades of grey

Holy shit is my pussy wet right now.
I’ve been vaguely following this movies creation and it’s been entertaining. Lots of people not wanting to be in it. Like b-list motherfuckers who would probably be on a TBS sitcom but were like “50 shades of grey? Nah, I’m good on that”.
Obviously, i didn’t read the book but, from what I hear it’s a fabio type romance novel written for desperate lonely moms but with more whips and butt play. As a book, that’s fine. Read it while your shitty husband sleeps and fantasize that some hunky bro is giving you analingus. I get that. But, as a movie? You realize that Cinemax pretty much has a movie just like this playing at 2 in the afternoon on any given day. This is soft core porn for moms. 22 year olds ain’t trying to go see this shit in the theaters. I almost wanna go see this in the theaters myself just to witness the crowd. A whole bunch of sewing circles , sneaking wine into the theaters, wearing an extra pair of underwear…just in case things get steamy. That made me a little nauseous. Sorry.
Clearly, I’m not the target audience for this but I can only hope my mom isn’t either.

Going to movies is great. But the best part? The previews, AMIRITE?!?!?! No, i’m not right. That’s total bullshit but still, previews are a great way to waste time and finish your pop corn before the actual film begins. Like most people, I tend to sit there, watching the previews and judging them. “That’s looks good” or “Definitely not gonna see that piece of shit” seem to be the two go to standards. This column is taking that idea and going a little deeper. I have not seen any of these movies. In fact, I doubt I ever will. Why? Cause I don’t need to. It’s all in the preview. So, these are my reviews of movies I’ve never seen based entirely off the 2 minute preview. A real time saver.

Need for Speed

What do you do when life has you in a corner? When it seems like the whole world is against you and you have no way out? The clear answer: Fight back…with cars.
Yes, only driving really fast can make a difference. Who needs guns or even the ability to resolve problems using common sense. Nope. This is no time for that. This is a moment where only buckling your seatbelt, checking your rearview mirrors and tearing asphalt can make things better.
With the death of Paul Walker, I bet all you Fast and Furious heads were clamoring for that next shit. Well, here it is. This is the Phish to the Fast and Furious’ Grateful Dead. The problem with this, when compared to FATF Franchise is that it seems to take itself very seriously. I mean, the dude is pretty much reading a high school poem over the entire preview. Not a good look considering the average person going to this is either gonna be high, drunk or just likes explosions.
Does it look like shit? Oh yeah. Is it an odd choice for Aaron Paul’s first post Breaking bad role? Big time. But who cares? If you’re going to see this movie, you know exactly what you’re gonna get. A tiny , intense man driving expensive and rare cars very fast. Now, depending where you land on the spectrum of people who are easily entertained, this MAY be your shit.

Pompeii

Now, I’m not history buff but, um…this is based on a true story, right? Kinda sorta?
If memory serves me, from 5th grade history class, Pompeii was a city that was buried under lava when a huge Volcano shat all over them. I could be wrong about that but I’m not trying to wiki that shit right now.
While that could make for a cool movie if done realistically, this one looks as if it’s taking the disaster movie template and shaking it up. No, this isn’t just 2 hours of dudes in loin cloths waiting for their inevitable demise. Nope, these bro’s are gonna fight the volcano! Or at least out smart it. It’s kinda like “The Day after tomorrow” where the people literally run away from freezing coldness and survived by simply running up a high enough hill so the water from the tidal wave didn’t reach them.
Your boy Jon Snow from “Game of Thrones” gotta branch out too. I know these period pieces are his hot zone right now but, my dude…do a rom-com or something. You can’t be the doe eyed reluctant hero forever.
I’d like to say this movie is a waste of time cause you know how it ends. But, there’s a part of me that thinks this won’t end how I think. Ideally, the entire cast gets melt down or frozen in ash but I have a sneaking suspicion that a few people make it out. hell, two of them in particular might find that love triumphs over all. Especially an unstoppable force of nature that would kill everything.

Tyler perry’s The Single Moms Club

Weird timing on a sequel to “Dallas buyers club” but okay…
I’ve never seen a tyler perry movie. Is that racist? Nah, it’s common sense.
Now , this film…wow. First off, shout out to Mr. Perry for casting himself as a desirable straight male. That’s some ballsy casting. In that short scene where he’s flirting with the lovely Nia long, you can see the chemistry. Very brotherly.
The casting in these kinds of movies is always interesting to me. They get people we mostly recognize but who also are pretty happy to be getting a job in a movie that people might actually see. I’m glad to see the girl from Reno 911 getting work and Amy Smart never bothered me. I can’t help but think the both got this script and thought long and hard about it. Like “Shit…this is absolute garbage but I do need money…my kids grade school doesn’t pay for itself”. And Terry crews actually is pretty successful. Scratching my head why he’s in it. surely, Lean was available. Or Morris Chestnut.
As a film itself, this is clearly not for the fellas. But, ladies? This is the film equivalent of Brunch with four girls you went to college with but haven’t seen in years. Seems like a good idea but you will leave knowing you’re never going through that pointless bullshit again. Unless, of course, you’re a total cornball. Oh wait, I forgot the target audience. Single moms! Here’s an inside scoop, if the target audience’s title is in the name of the movie, there’s a good chance that movie is pandering. Just saying.

Basically, If “How stella got her groove back” is your shit, you’ll leave this thinking “That was okay”. And, after all, isn’t that how art is supposed to make us feel?

The Silver Surfer

(Note: It has been bought to my attention that this is, in fact, a fake preview for a movie that does not exist. Well, for starters, THANK GOD. But, beyond that, it’s still a “preview” and I’m reviewing previews so calm the fuck down everyone. No, i never read the fine print.)
wait wait wait…before I address the movie, can we talk about the voice over? Holy shit. That can’t be serious. Your man needs to put down that glass of hot milk and blow his nose like no man before him ever has. How on earth did they pick that voice to be one that guides you through this preview. Galactus?!??! HAHAHAHAHA…get the fuck outta here. He sounds like a nerdy Dungeon master (is the redundant?) trainee working his way up through the ranks.
Oh, so this movie.
How many more Superhero’s we got left? We almost done? Luckily “Entourage” probably buried Aquaman so that’s one less. Surely no one really gives a shit about the Silver Surfer, right? Dude looks like Powder. The special effects harken back to the Terminator 2 era which begs the question, is this film half animated? Like on some “Who framed Roger Rabbit?” shit? It kinda looks like it. Pretty sure I’ve seen better visuals being projected on the walls at electronic jam band festivals.
if you really think about a superhero who surfs, it’s kinda funny. I’d imagine Marvel came up with this idea back in the early 60’s, when the Beach Boys were all the rage. It would be like having a super hero now whose super power is texting really well. Actually, that’s a movie I’d watch. Some superhero from another dimension who’s skills with smart phones make him extraordinary. Maybe he could be silver too? Or fuck that…Platinum, son. Look out for “The Platinum texter”, coming soon.