It’s been a fun week for ridiculous videos. I figured it might be enjoyable to watch some and take an in depth look at them. Sure, why not?
Let’s start with a clip that was all over my facebook wall: The case of the girl who “didn’t” have sex with all of the Wu-tang clan
Now, watching this clip, I have mixed feelings. For one, I don’t think this girl fucked every member of Wu-tang clan. That would be impossible. You’re telling me Cappadonna and Masta Killa really got in there? No way. I think the ex-boyfriend is being totally presumptive and assuming the worst. I’d even go as far to say as I bet there isn’t a girl on earth who has slept with EVERY Wu-tang member. 3 or 4 of them? Sure. 5 or 6 even. But all of them? Getting them together in a room would be hard enough. Add on they’re all there to have sex with the same woman and you’re looking at odds similar to lightening striking the same person three times.
That said, the girl in this video has a look in her face that I’ve seen before. The look of someone who is totally full of shit but still smugly happy with herself. She found her way onto the Wu-tang Tour bus and hung out until 7 AM. I’ve toured enough to know that, unless you’re old school buddies with artists, pg rated shit does not go down on tour buses or in hotels after 2 am. My guess? She smoked a ton of weed. She drank a ton of booze. She saw at least one penis and sperm was involved. Whether she had vaginal sex or just used other orifices , I can’t tell you. But if you put her on a lie detector test, I’m pretty sure she would know the answer to “What does inspectah decks dick taste like?”. I only say this cause groupies gonna groupie. She can play dumb and say “Oh, I was just hanging out as friends!” but these are rappers we’re talking about. Not spiritual folk musicians who just wanna talk about the cosmos. They’re not trying to build lasting friendships with random midwest groupies. They are there for business. Again, I’ve seen this all first hand over and over again. It’s simply how the game goes. If they legit want nothing sexual from these women they meet after shows, honestly, they’d bounce. They’d go to bed cause sleep is rare on tour and you get it when you can. If they’re loyal husbands, they go to bed even earlier. Wu-tang clan IS something to fuck with, if you’re a drunken blonde girl in ann arbor michigan at 4 am on a tour bus. Not judging her cause, hey, they’re legends. But , even though he took it too far, her ex man definitely has a case.
After all, it was “one of the greatest nights of her life”. I’ve had some great conversations in my time…but I’m pretty sure none of them hold up as the “greatest night” of anything. That time I jerked of Raekwon while the GZA watched and played chess, though? I’ll never forget it.
The second vid to talk about is the new Sir Jarlsberg video.
It’s an ode to NYC public access. I realize this is a reference that will be lost on many of you but, holy shit does he nail it. I grew up watching this kinda stuff and it’s pitch perfect.
It should be noted that this contains clips of some real public access stuff from the 80’s and 90’s. Just to give you a reference point. Also, I make an appearance , so there’s that too.
The third video is of Madonna kissing Drake at Coachella
Now, I’m not trying to write a think piece on this dumb kiss. Inappropriate public kisses BEEN madonnas thing forever. I more wanna talk about drakes reaction AKA did he just drake castor oil out of a homeless mans boot?
Now, he’s gone on record saying something like her lip balm was funky tasting. RIGGGHHHHTTTT. We all know that shit flavored lip balm that famous people use. Seeing that that is clearly not true, I wanna go through 10 possible theories of what happened
1)A moth ball fell out of her mouth into his.
2)He could taste the remnants of Vanilla Ice and Dennis Rodman.
3)The fact she wouldn’t let him touch her hair was a huge turn off to him as,it it known, drake loves nothing more than brushing girls hair.
4)She spat in his mouth.
If I can expand on this one a little…when I was 15 or 16, my first real girlfriend and I were making out. For some reason, she thought it would be funny to spit in my mouth. My reaction was not far off from Drake’s in this clip except I was furious. I dunno, seeing it unfold just bought back those feelings. It’s possible.
5)Drake’s current girl was there so he had to play it off like it was gross.
6)It was, in fact, gross cause madonna is old and disgusting now. His reaction was a natural “ewwwwww…”
7)Her dentures fell into his mouth
8)Drake is grossed out but not having a serious emotional connection withe very girl he ksises. Simply put, he felt vulnerable and that reaction was soul saying “Not cool, bro…she’s somebodies mother!”
9)She burped into his mouth
10)She had kabala breath.
It’s gotta be one or more of those. Hopefully a full investigation will take place so we can get to the bottom of this urgent matter.
Last ,but not least, this video of a russian kid doing a cover of a Linkin park/Jay-z song.
First off, has there been a worse idea ever in music that bringing
jay-Z and Linkin Park together? Probably but this was reallllly fucking bad. But, let’s push that to the side for now and discuss people who record cover song videos for youtube. Specifically, for rap songs.
What is wrong with you? Where did life go wrong for you? Why? How? Who did this to you and where did the bad man touch you?
I get it on some level. It’s like Karaoke , but alone with a go pro. It’s just further proof that we are living in a coddled and delusional time like no other. Everyone thinks they’re special and no one is telling them otherwise. Well, let me be the first to say it then. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. NO ONE CARES. PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING AT YOU, NOT WITH YOU. Feel free to apply those statements to an and all things most people do on earth that involves someone else having to sit and watch them. I’ll include myself and my own career in there as well. I’m okay with that.