Pick a song, Any song!

choices
Every now and then I like to test the temperature of what you guys are feelings out there. I randomly collect 8 songs I’m fucking with and see what you like best…via the power of voting. Yes, it’s a democracy up in this bitch.
So, without saying anything about the songs or trying to sway your votes with my opinions, i present your options.
All I ask is that you give every song a chance and don’t vote based on a name or cause you assume what you may or may not like the best and don’t even need to check the rest. Also, you may vote for more than one song. Have at it…
Danny Brown-When it Rain

Ugly Frank- Bum Liquor

Bodega Bams-All Eyez off me

Your Old Droog- White rappers

Subcontractors- Throwaway Pistols

DJ JS 1 Feat Breeze Bruin, Homeboy Sandman and Kyle raps- 110 percent

Clams Casino Ft. Vince Staples- All Nite

Marv won-Monkey Business

The Blockhead Meme Factory

me
So, I’ve had a lot of down time during this european tour. Chilling in airports , suckling on the wifi teet like the life blood that it is. Out of boredom, I downloaded a meme generator to my phone. Now, I’ve always enjoyed a good meme (who doesn’t?) but never really thought of making them cause…well…why would i bother doing that? Part of my resistance (outside of my age and my own self respect) is that so many of the tried and true Meme jokes are just recycled versions of the same jokes. Again, often hilarious but how many “Squad AF” and “Relationship goals” posts can really be made before it’s like “YEAH BRO, WE GET IT!”.
All that said, now that I’ve had a day or so to play around with making these things…I TOTALLY GET IT. It’s fucking ridiculous. So, I figured I’d share my own personal meme gallery with you. Some are dumb, some are mean, some are abstract. Regardless, they’re not all winners so cut me some slack. After all, these were made out of a boredom and loneliness that you can only find by sitting in a finnish airport for 4 hours between flights.
Let’s begin with one that i actually made years ago. My friend Claudia posted these ridiculous/cute baby pics on facebook and I was compelled to give it a whirl
claw
This is not a new idea in the meme world but, when I did it, i certainly though it was. Let’s not forget, there’s nothing new under the sun.
So, I’ll be honest here. I 100% downloaded the generator specifically cause I wanted to make this one meme
squab
After that, I started getting a little weird…specifically just random shit involving celebrities. Pretty aimless and misguided but, I dunno, they kinda crack me up for some reason.
garfield
mini me
shaq
zrtdt
But when I happened upon this Kanye pic…I started to “get it”
kanyay

Kanye 2

Then i felt like it was time to poke fun at the classic , played out Meme’s everyone does…
z

zz

zzz

zru8s

zzzzzx

zzzz
With this one above I wanted to tag it with “When you’re an Athiest but she believes in a god and shit”

So, yeah…those were dumb, right? Whatever dude…

I need your help

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It’s a brand new year everyone. Time to shake of the dust of 2015 and let your hair down.
If you don’t know, this blog is a one man show. I wake up, write whatever it is i’m gonna write then post it. Why? I have no idea. Some of you seem to like it and it definitely gives me something to do in the mornings before I eat.
Anyway, a big part of the blog (i refuse to call it a website) is give and take. For many of my reoccurring columns, I need you guys to participate. So, this post is basically a call to arms. In order for the blog to work…I need you guys.
Okay? Cool. Now , here’s where you help me.
I need things.
If you have any of the following things, you can email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com of leave them in the comments section.

1)Ask Dr. Tony questions
If you got some problems in life that your shitty friends and family aren’t helping you with? Why not ask me? I’ll be honest and offer a new perspective. They can be about anything. Also, it’s always anonymous so don’t worry about your privacy being jeopardized.

2)Answers for questions
As always…i need these. Be creative. Be weird. think outside the box. And ask me literally anything. I’ve rejected maybe 3 questions over the last 6 years and only cause they were asking me to talk about other peoples personal lives.

3)Any ideas of things I should write about?
You think you got an idea that might work? throw it my way. Or, how about are you a person who’s into some weird shit that wants to be interviewed about it? Let’s talk. past interview subjects have been girls who fucked riff raff and guys who sucked their own dick. So, you know…I’m open to suggestions.

4)Demos
I write demo reviews. I need more to review. There are rules though.
1)The header on the email must say “Demo review”
2)If you’ve already submitted, DO NOT submit again. You had your fun now it’s other people’s turn. This includes producers working with new rappers.
3)Send me ONE SONG. Pick your song that is your favorite or the one that best exemplifies your music and shoot it over here. I’m not going to listen to your whole ep.
4)This time around, I’ll only be accepting songs that can be heard via a link. So, no loose mp3′s or myspace pages. I want soundcloud, bandcamp or you can even upload it to an upload site (like divshare.com, hulkshare ect…) that allows the songs to stream. Basically, the streaming part is crucial. If this is something you cannot do, you probably shouldn’t be sending me music in the first place. I also accept youtube video links but, seriously, how you gonna have that be your only form of streaming music online. Soundcloud is free. just sign up and put a song up there.
5)Demo MUST contain original production. I don’t want mixtapes of you rapping over other peoples tracks. I want actual songs. About once a week, I review something only to find out it’s some rare madlib track the person jacked. If you send me something, I want it to 100% be made by you. Sampling is sampling but taking another person finished rap beat and calling it your own is not okay.
6)budding producers: don’t just send me some random beat you made. I want a finished product. If your shit is called “Untitled beat” I will throw it right in the trash. If you made a beat but it’s just drums and a loop, i don’t want it. i want something you’d consider a song that can stand on it’s own. A rap beat with a subtle change does not a song make.

That’s about it for the rules. But there’s more…You must also accept that I will be reviewing your music honestly. I don’t know you. You aren’t my homeboy. I may write some shit you don’t wanna hear/accept. Just know it’s possible you will not be happy with the review. Butthurt responses will be clowned on properly. Trust me, I’m as familiar with internet criticism as any person who makes music for a living. It sucks but it’s part of the deal. After all, you’re sending me your music so I can review it. what else do you expect? By submitting, you’re pretty much agreeing to possibly being let down.
It should also be noted that , genre wise, I’m a rap guy. I like rap music. This can work both for and against you people sending me rap as I will be highly critical of it but there’s also a chance I might actually like it. If it were up to me, I’d ONLY review rap demos. Where as with other genres (particularly instrumental music and electronic type shit) I don’t really listen to that kinda stuff. Feel free to send it but just know my ceiling of enjoyment for that kind of music is typically pretty low. Ironic, I know…but it’s the reality of things.

That’s about it. This blog is a labor of love but I’d be lying if I said i wasn’t running out of content. If you’re a faithful reader or even a casual reader…throw me a bone so I can keep this going. If nothing else, i give you something to read while taking a shit and that has value in this world, goddamnit.

Dr. Dre is finally dropping a new album. Do you care?

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It’s been over fifteen years since Dr. Dre dropped his last album. Since then, he’s become a billionaire headphone mogul and , seemingly, been lifting all sorts of weights. He’s “produced” a few songs here and there but, for the most part, he’s been fairly removed from the current music scene.
For years, people have been talking of his new album “Detox”. “It’s almost done!” was something that would pop up every few years to be followed up with nothing. While this sort of delay on an album is common to music, he’s more Guns a Roses than Despot or Jay Electronica cause he’s one of the most famous producers in rap history. He is basically our Quincy Jones. Thing is, if we’re both honest and have been paying attention the last 15 plus years, Dre isn’t exactly making beats anymore. It’s fairly well known that Dre has been using other peoples tracks for a long time now. Similar to what Kanye does. It’s truly taking the role of a “producer” in the rock and roll sense. A person who sits back in the studio and oversees. A Rick Rubin type. They may not create the music but they make sure it comes out the way it needs to come out.

Now, I could easily be talking out my ass here. I don’t know for a fact that Dre hasn’t been tapping pads on his MPC for 15 years. I’m just going off what I hear. But, if what I’m saying is true, it makes this delay even crazier to me. Surely, someone NOT creating the actual music could have put together an album of hand picked tracks and rappers in under 15 years, right? Well, apparently, “Detox” got scrapped cause Dre didn’t like it. He didn’t want to give his fans something less than the highest quality. Which is cool cause , say what you will, the dude has never half assed a project in his life. Thing is, now this new album comes out in like 3 days…why not just call it “Detox”? Perhaps he decided to scrap it entirely to get a fresh start and even out the wild expectations. That’s fine. Weird, but fine.
So, his new album “Compton” drops August 7th. It features tons of guests.
Here’s the track listing:
1. “Intro” Dr. Dre
2. “Talk About It” feat. King Mez & Justus
3. “Genocide” feat. Kendrick Lamar, Marsha Ambrosius & Candice Pillay
4. “It’s All On Me” feat. Justus & BJ the Chicago Kid
5. “All In a Day’s Work” feat. Anderson Paak & Marsha Ambrosius
6. “Darkside/Gone” feat. King Mez, Marsha Ambrosius & Kendrick Lamar
7. “Loose Cannons” feat. Xzibit & COLD 187um
8. “Issues” feat. Ice Cube & Anderson Paak
9. “Deep Water” feat. Kendrick Lamar & Justus
10. Jon Connor,”One Shot One Kill” feat. Snoop Dogg
11. The Game, “Just Another Day” feat. Asia Bryant
12. “For the Love of Money” feat. Jill Scott & Jon Connor
13. “Satisfiction” feat. Snoop Dogg, Marsha Ambrosius & King Mez
14. “Animals” feat. Anderson Paak
15. “Medicine Man” feat. Eminem, Candice Pillay & Anderson Paak
16. “Talking To My Diary”

Some familiar names. some less than familiar. I’m curious who the co-producers are cause that’s really where this album will fail or succeed. But , listen, I’m an old rap fan. To me, Dre will always be somewhat relevant. I grew up on his music. But, even with that in mind, I can’t help be a little skeptical of this album. It’s just my nature. But I’m more curious of what you think. You’re most likely younger than me. You most likely love some songs Dre has created (dudes got more classics than most record labels). But I wonder if the news of a new Dre album and tracklisting like the one above does anything for you guys. Well…tell me!
You can vote for more than one answer.

The Phat friend Census Report

US-Census-Bureau
You know, I spend a lot of time answering questions here. It’s not cause I’m self involved and want you guys to focus on me all the time, I swear. It’s cause I need content for this blog and getting people to contribute is a great way to generate that. But, now, I wanna know about you. Here’s a 20 question poll. The answers are all multiple choice and completely anonymous. They range from simple to somewhat personal. It should also be noted that you can choose more than one answer for these questions. I realize human beings aren’t black and white so hopefully that capability can fill in for any options I might overlook. So, please, indulge me and let me find out about you, the reader of this godforsaken blog. If nothing else, I can really pin point my readership after this. Please answer honestly cause jokey answers will just defeat the purpose of this all.




















Phew…that was exhausting but I feel like I know you so much better now.

Some Haiku about Dickheads

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Poetry has long been a passion of mine. Just kidding. I am a man without much passion who can barely read so poetry is just a bunch of flowery words to me. That said, I’ve always liked the simplicity of Haiku. There’s no escaping it. a 5-7-5 syllable structure. So, I’m sitting in a hotel room in Dallas with nothing to do so I decided to write some poems about variations of dickheads. I’m a poet. It’s official.

There are people who
go eat at nice restaurants
and write yelp reviews

Frozen pizza wise
The internet fights over
celeste or tombstone

I know some people
entitled cause they were born
they shit and piss too

Buddhist zen guy
So spiritual and free
has rage issues though

No TV for you
You read and brag about it
go live on the moon

There are people who
don’t know what food to order
but they make you wait

I-consider-myself-a-Poet-now

Facebook and twitter
friends family networking
full of dumb assholes

forty year old men
listen to music for teen girls
both irrelevant

Too many babies
in the airport with six kids
please stop having sex

Some people put the
Toilet paper roll backwards
they defend that choice

I know some people
offended by everything
fuck those people hard

poet

I know some men who
always get into fights drunk
cause they hate their dicks

mommy and daddy
I joined a flash mob today
I’ll see myself out

No please allow me
to hold the door for you sir
don’t thank me you prick

Youtube commenters
never ever stop being you
but die slow as well

There are people who
tell you stop being judgmental
they are judgmental

You are a dickhead
and you don’t even know it
You parents do though

poetry_image

Current events: Let’s talk about these Youtube clips

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It’s been a fun week for ridiculous videos. I figured it might be enjoyable to watch some and take an in depth look at them. Sure, why not?
Let’s start with a clip that was all over my facebook wall: The case of the girl who “didn’t” have sex with all of the Wu-tang clan

Now, watching this clip, I have mixed feelings. For one, I don’t think this girl fucked every member of Wu-tang clan. That would be impossible. You’re telling me Cappadonna and Masta Killa really got in there? No way. I think the ex-boyfriend is being totally presumptive and assuming the worst. I’d even go as far to say as I bet there isn’t a girl on earth who has slept with EVERY Wu-tang member. 3 or 4 of them? Sure. 5 or 6 even. But all of them? Getting them together in a room would be hard enough. Add on they’re all there to have sex with the same woman and you’re looking at odds similar to lightening striking the same person three times.
That said, the girl in this video has a look in her face that I’ve seen before. The look of someone who is totally full of shit but still smugly happy with herself. She found her way onto the Wu-tang Tour bus and hung out until 7 AM. I’ve toured enough to know that, unless you’re old school buddies with artists, pg rated shit does not go down on tour buses or in hotels after 2 am. My guess? She smoked a ton of weed. She drank a ton of booze. She saw at least one penis and sperm was involved. Whether she had vaginal sex or just used other orifices , I can’t tell you. But if you put her on a lie detector test, I’m pretty sure she would know the answer to “What does inspectah decks dick taste like?”. I only say this cause groupies gonna groupie. She can play dumb and say “Oh, I was just hanging out as friends!” but these are rappers we’re talking about. Not spiritual folk musicians who just wanna talk about the cosmos. They’re not trying to build lasting friendships with random midwest groupies. They are there for business. Again, I’ve seen this all first hand over and over again. It’s simply how the game goes. If they legit want nothing sexual from these women they meet after shows, honestly, they’d bounce. They’d go to bed cause sleep is rare on tour and you get it when you can. If they’re loyal husbands, they go to bed even earlier. Wu-tang clan IS something to fuck with, if you’re a drunken blonde girl in ann arbor michigan at 4 am on a tour bus. Not judging her cause, hey, they’re legends. But , even though he took it too far, her ex man definitely has a case.
After all, it was “one of the greatest nights of her life”. I’ve had some great conversations in my time…but I’m pretty sure none of them hold up as the “greatest night” of anything. That time I jerked of Raekwon while the GZA watched and played chess, though? I’ll never forget it.

The second vid to talk about is the new Sir Jarlsberg video.
It’s an ode to NYC public access. I realize this is a reference that will be lost on many of you but, holy shit does he nail it. I grew up watching this kinda stuff and it’s pitch perfect.

It should be noted that this contains clips of some real public access stuff from the 80’s and 90’s. Just to give you a reference point. Also, I make an appearance , so there’s that too.

The third video is of Madonna kissing Drake at Coachella

Now, I’m not trying to write a think piece on this dumb kiss. Inappropriate public kisses BEEN madonnas thing forever. I more wanna talk about drakes reaction AKA did he just drake castor oil out of a homeless mans boot?
Now, he’s gone on record saying something like her lip balm was funky tasting. RIGGGHHHHTTTT. We all know that shit flavored lip balm that famous people use. Seeing that that is clearly not true, I wanna go through 10 possible theories of what happened
1)A moth ball fell out of her mouth into his.
2)He could taste the remnants of Vanilla Ice and Dennis Rodman.
3)The fact she wouldn’t let him touch her hair was a huge turn off to him as,it it known, drake loves nothing more than brushing girls hair.
4)She spat in his mouth.
If I can expand on this one a little…when I was 15 or 16, my first real girlfriend and I were making out. For some reason, she thought it would be funny to spit in my mouth. My reaction was not far off from Drake’s in this clip except I was furious. I dunno, seeing it unfold just bought back those feelings. It’s possible.
5)Drake’s current girl was there so he had to play it off like it was gross.
6)It was, in fact, gross cause madonna is old and disgusting now. His reaction was a natural “ewwwwww…”
7)Her dentures fell into his mouth
8)Drake is grossed out but not having a serious emotional connection withe very girl he ksises. Simply put, he felt vulnerable and that reaction was soul saying “Not cool, bro…she’s somebodies mother!”
9)She burped into his mouth
10)She had kabala breath.
It’s gotta be one or more of those. Hopefully a full investigation will take place so we can get to the bottom of this urgent matter.

Last ,but not least, this video of a russian kid doing a cover of a Linkin park/Jay-z song.

First off, has there been a worse idea ever in music that bringing
jay-Z and Linkin Park together? Probably but this was reallllly fucking bad. But, let’s push that to the side for now and discuss people who record cover song videos for youtube. Specifically, for rap songs.
What is wrong with you? Where did life go wrong for you? Why? How? Who did this to you and where did the bad man touch you?
I get it on some level. It’s like Karaoke , but alone with a go pro. It’s just further proof that we are living in a coddled and delusional time like no other. Everyone thinks they’re special and no one is telling them otherwise. Well, let me be the first to say it then. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. NO ONE CARES. PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING AT YOU, NOT WITH YOU. Feel free to apply those statements to an and all things most people do on earth that involves someone else having to sit and watch them. I’ll include myself and my own career in there as well. I’m okay with that.