Pride’s gonna getcha

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(little note: In case you’re confused about me writing something on here ,to be clear, I’mma keep doing this blog but only when I feel like I have something to share or say…so, yeah…rarely.)

I was watching the RNC last week out of sheer morbid curiosity. I’m generally not a politically charged person but , perhaps, with the times changing, me getting older and the feeling of this country reaching a tipping point, something is kicking in on me that’s making me actually pay attention and, dare i say…CARE?

Amidst all the bullshit and insanity that was the convention, one word kept popping up in my head. “Pride”. Sure “fear” and “Fuck Hillary!” were the main themes of the week long shit show but all I saw was a bunch of people tickled pink (also, colored pink) about themselves and what they think they deserve just for being born in this country. I’ve long took issue with “pride” and the people who wield it. Now, obviously, there are plenty of things people should be proud of. If you accomplish something great in your life, of course you should be proud of yourself. Having pride in ones heritage , culture or sexual orientation…Why not? i would argue that people go overboard with even that sometimes cause , after all, we don’t choose what we are. We’re born that way. But, still, having pride in that kinda thing is natural. Especially if what that is has been marginalized. So, I’m not talking about that when I bring up the word “pride”. I’m talking about personal pride. The type of pride that , when someone walks down the street and bumps shoulders with another person, incites them to say “Hey, watch where the fuck you going!” and then fight them.
The type of pride that compels someone to not own up to their own faults. The type of pride that makes people ignore their own privilege. It’s real easy to acquire when you’ve been told you’re special and what you think matters your entire life. This kind of pride is not earned. It’s assumed.

Now ,as a white male, I’m planted firmly at the bottom of the justified pride totem poll. I realize this and gladly accept it. Lucky for me, it’s not hard. I’ve long since rolled my eyes at that kinda of pride. That’s that Trump pride. It’s blind and swings it’s dick freely. I’ve often wondered how such a thing evolves into a trait that defines a person. I can’t help thinking it goes hand in hand with entitlement. The same people who feel they are owed something for breathing are the same people who will be the first to bask in their own perceived self worth.

Now, While I’m out here pointing fingers let me be clear. I’m not exempt from foolish pride. While I do…umm…pride myself on keeping that bullshit out of my line of thought, i can’t sit here and pretend I’m not part of the problem. My pride? NYC pride. Yup. It’s that fucking thing that looms around me at all times and I can’t shut it off. I realize it’s pointless and arbitrary but it still persists. You can tell me my family tree is full of garbage humans (I’d probably ask you how you found out cause I never checked), you could call me a lazy sack of shit, you could say my music is pure hackery. But , god forbid, you diss NYC. It’s , like, the one thing I take to heart and it’s 100% bullshit. I just happened to be born and raised here. I wasn’t sitting in my moms womb with different brochures of locations I could choose to be raised in. Nope, i just happened to be a baby born here with parents who never left. That’s it. Yet for some reason, it’s something that defines me as a person and I will defend that to the death. Thinking about that and how silly it is , when you step away from it, makes me think about people who view America in that way. To have pride in a whole country….especially one as flawed and full of ,short sighted mouth breathing mongoloids as this one, is insane. I’d like to think I’ve toned down my NYC pride over the years. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s still there and throbbing but between traveling and seeing all these other places and the decline of NYC’s edge in general, I do feel like my perspective has broadened. A tiny bit. I’m still an asshole about it for sure…but it’s not the open/shut case I once thought it to be.

I was at a baseball game last year with a group of friends. The national anthem began and I just stood there like I always do. Not paying attention cause who cares? A dude I was with (a friend of a friend) tapped me and was like “Dude, take your hat off and put your hand on your chest!”. I smiled cause I assumed he was kidding. He was not. Even then I was like “nah, I’m good…” cause fuck that shit. The rest of the game he was noticeably sour towards me. The idea that anyone could have their mood changed by another persons disinterest in the national anthem really shocked me. This guy wasn’t a war veteran. He wasn’t in the state senate. In fact, he’s a dude who lived in japan for about 8 years prior to his return NYC. Maybe his dad fought in a war? Mine did too. Doesn’t mean i have to honor a stupid song at a baseball game. Regardless, it blew my mind to see a person take that kinda thing to heart. Like America is his. If anything, America is theirs. Who “they” are remains to be seen but it’s definitely not the dude 5 beers deep in a dirty yankees hat in the nosebleed section. My nationalistic pride doesn’t extend to that far.

I remember seeing the movie “Seven” and being like “Oh snap!” when I learned that “pride” was actually one of the 7 deadly sins. Clearly, I had not read a book before and should have known that already but, hey, shit happens. But still, seeing that and then thinking about how pride is something we, as a society, tends to celebrate is funny to me Sure, that sort of pride is generally reserved for things that involve parades but it’s still the same word. Even the “good” type of pride has some baggage to it.

If you’re reading this, you’re very likely one of the lucky people. You have internet. You have free time . You are living a charmed enough existence where you have time to know a niche hip hop producer exists, and writes a blog on occasion and you’ve chosen to read his dumb thoughts. This is nothing to be proud of. If anything, we should be more thankful for what we’ve been given. Pride is hard to truly justify but gratitude is real. Even if it’s something we’ve never known life to be without. Dun’t be proud you can afford to go out to dinner tonight. Be thankful you’re one of the lucky ones who was born in a place where that’s the common thing. On that note, i’mma get out of bed and go stuff my face with various foods…I’d say I’ve earned it. I woke up, didn’t I? *pats self on the back*

The black cloud people

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Bear with me here cause this all connects in a very loose manner.
I was on a plane the other day , earbuds plugged in, ready to watch two free episodes of “Blackish” cause, well, that’s what was available. The plane was seemingly boarded and I had the whole aisle to myself. Sufficed to say, I was psyched about that. Out of nowhere, 5 more people bustled onto the plane , two of whom plopped down next to me. They were a young couple. At first glance, I’d say they were ,at most, 22 years old. I paid them little mind as I was invested in Blackish at this point and, also, I’m not a chatty traveler. The couple however, did not subscribe to the same game plan. Within moments of fastening his seatbelt, the guy (who was sitting next to me) turned to me as if it was his job and asked “So, you from Dallas?” (I was flying from Dallas to Austin). I removed my ear buds and asked “beg your pardon?”. He repeated his question and I said “nope, just traveling through”. In general, i try and not get into why I’m on planes (I’m doing shows 99% of the time) much cause then it becomes that awful game of “Have you heard of me?” with a stranger who has most certainly not heard of me. I always say “I’m just here visiting friends”. Insistent on continuing this convo (something I noticed a GREAT deal of people do while traveling in the southwest. You motherfuckers LOVE some small talk), he then asked me “So, what do you do?”. This is yet another question I dance around for the same reasons I don’t like telling people I’m in town to play a show. It always ends up with me having to half-assedly describe what kind of music I make to someone who doesn’t really give a shit either way. So, i opt to say “I’m a DJ”. Which is funny…cause I’m not a DJ at all. But , for some reason, it at least relieves the questions of “What kind of music do you make?” and the dreaded “What instrument do you play?!!?”. But this kid kept digging so we eventually told him the truth, he wrote “Blockhead” down in his Iphone notes with promises of checking me out (to be honest, I believe he actually will) and pushed ahead with the discussion. He informed me that he was working his first real job now and how exciting it was. He spoke of how his office was so funny cause he worked with a mormon, a catholic and a jew! He also dropped in that he was a baptist and that his dad was a preacher. He dropped that in various times in the conversation, in fact. The girl with him ,who I later learned was his new wife, was chiming in here and there but he was driving the conversation. They even mentioned going to Turkey recently and how it was weird cause everyone there looked like a terrorist. Cool! Somehow, politics came into it and , man, there is nothing I wanna do less than talk politics while flying through the air, strapped into a seat I can’t jump out of. Add on I’m talking to a 22 year old texas baptist and his child bride and it’s like X10000000. He starts going on about Rand Paul and hillary Clinton and all this horseshit I don’t care about. Was he right? i don’t even know. I don’t follow politics. From the conversation, i learned they were both conservative libertarians. I also, gathered they were both a little racist and definitely weird about sexual politics as well. The think Black people and jews are fine but they’d be pretty bummed if their kid married one.
Like, they probably support gay rights but also wouldn’t wanna share a bathroom with one.

Now, here’s the thing…i say all that to say this…
I’m a patient person. I’m also a person who avoids conflict. Sure, i could have made this interaction awkward a number of times. The fact this kid was just blurting out all the crap at me , assuming I was gonna ride with it was actually pretty confounding to me. He knew I was a liberal yankee. But regardless, i took the high road…or the cowards road, Depending how you look at it. The way i see it, me arguing on a plane with a 22 year old baptist kid isn’t helping anyone. Not me. Not them. Not the people sitting around us. Sometimes, you just gotta let shit go. Especially when it’s some harmless yet completely oppositional lifestyle type thing. These two went to church their whole life, They probably had sex for the first time AFTER they got married. The were raised to believe in certain things that couldn’t be farther from my reality. But, hey, good for them. That’s why they’re who they are and I am who i am. So, like i do in most social interaction, I opted to keep it light and friendly. It would eventually end and my life would go on unscathed.

This interaction got me thinking about two very specific types of people. People with bad luck and people who SEEMINGLY walk under black cloud. One type just seems to have negativity follow them where ever they go. Not cause they bring it upon themselves but cause , for some reason, life hates them. People who have friends dying around them all the time. People who get their houses broken into. People who , inexplicably , just seem like they eat shit all the time. Life just seems like an endless string of misfortune and there truly isn’t an explanation for it. I’m sure my baptist friends would bring god into this but I’m prone to think these types of people just are given a raw deal in life for no reason. They’re good people. They’re kind people. They are people who, if in the same situation as me on that plane, would’ve reacted just like me and their life would simply continue once they got off that plane. Shitty as that life may be at times, it wouldn’t be disrupted by a harmless , if not annoying, chance interaction with some kids on the plane. Those are the bad luck people.

The black cloud people…well…that’s a different story. Black cloud people are those who THINK they’re unlucky but are, in fact, assholes who control their own destiny and choose wrong ALL THE TIME. They are entitled. They have chips on their shoulders. Maybe it’s due to pride. Maybe it’s just the have bad reactions. Maybe it’s cause they’re unaware of their own temper. Whatever it is, it makes their life a series of “unexplainable” mishaps that lead to problems…constantly. ” Oh man, I dunno why but me and this dude got into a screaming match on line at the bagel shop. Second time this week!”
Well…i wasn’t there…but I could venture a guess that whatever happened was AT LEAST 80% your fault. AT LEAST. Cause, as we know , normal sane people don’t get into screaming matches at bagel shops. No, the Black cloud people roam the earth in a smelly dust bowl like Pig pen from Charlie brown, wondering why everyone is out to get them. Not realizing that pig pen just needs to take a fucking shower.

In the situation i was in on that plane…had i been a Black cloud type…I would imagine it would have ended in yelling and possible interaction with a air marshall. If i was that black cloud person, I’d later tell all my friends about these two assholes I met on a plane who started with me about politics and how I let them have it. i would be proud of this. Probably cause, as a black cloud person, I am guided by my own pride. My big , dumb, cunty pride. It’s funny how that word can mean both such good things and bad things. There are so many things an individual can be proud of. But your ego is no one of them.
So, if you’re reading this and feel like you are “bad luck” kinda person, ask yourself this…do other people close to you get in arguments and fights with strangers on a regular basis or is it just you? Do you constantly feel slighted by everyday things that most people don’t even react to? Do you ever feel like a situation could have been avoided if you just simply didn’t say what was on your mind? If the answer is yes or even maybe to either of those questions, guess what? I got great news for you. YOU DON’T HAVE BAD LUCK! Nope…you’re just an asshole. A black cloud over you at all times , pig pen, pride fueled asshole. And the sooner you realize that, the better. Cause…hey, it’s never to late to just hop in the shower.

Weed outrage FTW!

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I do a column sometimes called “Defending my tweets”, where I post something I tweeted and basically explain myself a little deeper than 140 characters ever could do. I recently tweeted something that probably got the most blow back ever (which is saying a lot). Interestingly enough, the fury didn’t come on twitter. It came from the good people over on facebook. This isn’t shocking cause Facebook is the second only to Youtube comments in bringing out the worst in people. This focal point of all this rage? Rape? nope. Racism? Nope. Politics? nope.
It was weed. specifically, the celebration of 420. A holiday that somehow exists cause who gives a fuck?

420 was last week and as people tend to do on social media , they chose a path. The choices go: Celebrate it, make a joke about it, or ignore. Being the guy I am, I took the middle option.
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Now, I took this option for a few reasons.
1)IT’S A JOKE. A timely joke. It was 420. That was in the air so, you know, seemed like a good time for it.

2)I KNEW it would enrage some people and that’s exactly why I did it. For all the ideas of weed being a drug that mellows you out, for some reason, weed people are some of the most sensitive and thin skinned people on the planet. I mean, how many times have I met some hippie with rage issues? Too many times. It’s fascinating cause, you know, maybe they need to puff some weed to chill out but when you make a joke about weed they lose all chill. Vicious cycle, i suppose. But, full disclosure, this tweet was 100% baiting people and it worked like a charm.

3)I think people who get obsessed over 420 are kinda ridiculous. I mean, I get the excitement for celebrating something you love but, hey, chances are, if you are the type to celebrate 420, you smoke every day anyway. So, basically, you celebrate every day. It’s kinda like if a teenager boy were to celebrate “national masturbation day” by jerking off 7 times instead of 4 times. Hey man! it’s a real holiday!
In general, the whole “weed culture” movement is just kinda corny to me. Right now, if you are the reactionary weed smoking type, things are popping in your head (the medical advantages, the fight for it to be legal, “If they celebrated a “Vodka day” I bet you wouldn’t make fun of that!”, etc…) . I will get to these points but, off the bat know, when i say “weed culture” I’m not talking about people’s right to smoke it or the good it does. I’m all for legalizing weed. Not because I think of the greater good it could do but cause I don’t give a fuck. It’s not that big an issue to me. By all means, make it legal everywhere. But, when i talk about “weed culture” and the people who obsess over it, I’m talking about people who sit around with high times magazines, looking at pictures of furry nugz, talking about weed all day and who’s life is basically revolves around weed and weed based subjects. I don’t think it’s wrong or bad…i simply think it’s corny. Big difference. I feel the same way about people who are obsessed with wine or cigars or porn or even food. These are , in most cases, perfectly fun and enjoyable recreational things that I fully get the appeal of. But to live your life obsessing over them? Do you…but , personally, it’s silly to me. But, Who am i to say what is silly to another person? I’m no one. I’m not here to tell anyone what they should or should not do…but, guess what? i can make a joke about it and you’re just gonna have to deal with it. Why? CAUSE IT’S NEVER THAT SERIOUS.

For many of you that didn’t read that tweet or see the comment section, lemme break down what happened.
For the most part, people seemed to enjoy it. It got tons or shares, retweets and likes. Meaning, people got it. It’s a simple premise: 420 is dumb. That’s it. It’s not deep. it’s not even a good joke. Still, People are capable of getting the joke. Many of these people, I assume, smoke weed on the regular. Meaning not all people who smoke weed are fucking idiots. In fact, i can say with great certainty, that most people who smoke weed are cool and awesome people. But, this is the internet…where cool and awesome is drowned out by a handful of humorless dipshits with a desire to be outraged. So, what did these people have to say?
Well, first and foremost we had the people who were so enraged by my tweet (read it again and imagine actually getting mad at that) that they felt the need to inform me that they would be unfollowing me on social media. Yup. This is great on a few levels. For one, if a person is such a loser that they see a joke about 420 and feel like they need to unfollow me…it’s sorta like a self cleaning oven. I don’t need that person up in my world. Fan or not. That person sucks. Also, to announce to an artist on facebook “I’m unfollowing you!” is one of the lamest “look at me!” things you can do. It’s like getting in a huff at a party then yelling “I’m outta here!” to a bunch of people who didn’t know who you were in the first place. Real g’z move in silence. So, shout out to all the people who read my 420 tweet, said nothing to me and unfollowed me. You did it the right way. Granted, they’re probably not seeing this post but still, kudos to you for, while still being thin skinned and ridiculous, having the self respect to not feel the need to tell me. As if i’m gonna be like “Nooooooo!!!! come back! please! i promise! No more weed jokes!”.
Secondly, the rage. The rage of weed people. They take their weed very seriously. It’s the same as nerd rage or music purist rage. It’s the result of someone being so wrapped up in something they can’t see outside of it. With no perspective , people can gt easily lost in their obsessions. Like how can you love anything THAT much? It’s not your mom. It’s not your best friend. It’s a plant you smoke that gets you high. I had some responses that were simply “FUCK YOU!!”. While other went into more detailed reasonings of why I’m an asshole for writing that. Some of these reasons included:

1)Medical weed and the good it does.

Yes. Medicinal Marijuana is a great thing. A few people mentioned how it helped them get through their cancer treatment. In no way was I shitting on the medical benefits of pot. I’ve seen it work up close. At stated earlier, it was a joke…a short joke…about 420. To read that an extract “He’s belittling the benefits of medical marijuana!”, well, it’s reaching to say the least.
The funniest part of this one was that people tried to bring it back to 420 as if the majority of people celebrating 420 are doing it in the name of science. I’m sure a small handful of people do but..not you, dude. Not the guy sitting on his couch, ripping bong hits, perfectly healthy, arguing about weed on the internet. Nope, you smoke weed cause it gets you high and that feels good. Nothing wrong with that…but don’t try and sell me some deeper meaning that isn’t there.
But if you are one of those people who somehow think getting high at 4:20 every day is a political statement or you’re tipping your hat towards the medicinal wonders of pot, I’ll let you know when penicillin day is so we can throw a big old party together!

2)Legalizing weed.
Somehow me making fun of people who celebrate 420 made people assume I’m not some anti weed crusader. Even though, in my very tweet, I called it “just a plant”. Now, if I think it’s “just a plant” , do you think that means I want it to be illegal? Have you heard my “anti-fern” rant before? Perhaps, my point is WHO GIVES THIS MUCH OF A FUCK ABOUT A PLANT. Of course it should be legal. Why the fuck not? Booze is far more harmful and it’s been legal since forever. Not only that, the money this country could make off legal weed could fix a lot of problems as well.
So, yeah…if that was your angle of rage…you were off as a motherfucker. I don’t care what you do. Smoke weed. Snort coke. Shoot heroin. Inject cat piss into your eyeballs , for all i care. It’s your body. I’m in no place of power to regulate anything or anyone but myself.

3)”I bet if there was a “national booze day” you wouldn’t say anything!”
umm…yeah i would. I make fun of all things. Especially holidays and things that go with them.. This includes Christmas, St Patricks day, your birthday, my birthday, Santa-con (which is the closest thing to 420 I can imagine and THINK ABOUT HOW LAME THAT IS). I understand the nature of making fun of things is judgmental. But, you know what? We’re all judgmental. It’s our nature. And taking the piss out of something as pointless as 420 shouldn’t hurt your feelings. You’re an adult. You should have bigger fish to fry. It’s not like I made a “national breast cancer awareness” joke or shit on the civil rights movement. This is about weed culture. 100%. But you know what? Even if i did make jokes about anything…the fact remains…It’s a joke. Sure, there is some truth in jokes but the bottom line is they’re never that serious. Intention is everything.

So, yeah…Grow up. quit taking everything so seriously. Especially if that “everything” is your enjoyment of smoking weed. Learn that just cause you love something doesn’t mean another person can’t poke fun at it. Also learn that just cause someone pokes fun at something, it doesn’t mean they’re against it. Smoke your weed. Love your weed. I hope it makes your life infinitely better. I truly do. But, the next time you’re on facebook and feel the need to get angered over a joke, perhaps, sit back…light up a joint. Smoke that joint. Relax. And if you still feel some sorta way about it, let it rip. But don’t forget that you’re the guy/girl who flipped out over a weed joke on a niche music artists facebook page. congratulations on being “That guy”! Feels, good man!

Let’s talk Tinder (Female Edition)

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A While back, I wrote of my experiences on tinder as a newly single man. Here is that article for reference. As a man, I know that what I experience on tinder is nothing compared to what girls go through. Shit, just the other day, a girl I know sent me a screencap of her Instagram dm’s and it was literally a bouquet of dick pics sent to her by strangers. It’s crazy. So, I asked my good buddy (and Rogglecast podcast partner) Pollyne AKA po_lite to give me an idea of what it’s like to be a lady on Tinder. Not only did she do that, but she bought photographic examples. God bless her heart. So, here’s Pollyne , Talking tinder…

LET’S TALK TINDER

I can give you one word to sum up Tinder for a woman, EXHAUSTING. Honestly, even the thought of writing about it is exhausting; must be why i conveniently forgot Tony asked me to give him a female perspective on it back in the summer.
I have deleted Tinder sooooooo many fuckin times; and not in the way that you delete the phone number of an unhealthy hook up but in the way that you eventually cut off the drunk guy at the bar, who comes in every week. I download it out of boredom thinking that maybe it will be interesting and within a few weeks i am so disappointed with it that i delete it to make space on my phone for a kim kardashian game or some other worthless app. Why i keep re-downloading is more about my desire for self harm but that’s a whole other post, perhaps something to ask Dr. Tony. So, if i can reign this in enough and focus on some basic reasons why i swipe left i may yet show you what it’s like for a lady on Tinder.
First off, this app is exhausting for women because our desires are naturally more complex than most men. We see Tinder very differently than men do. Look, I’m not an idiot, I know the intent of an app that shows you 5 pictures of someone with a stoopid tagline about how much they are free-wheelin good time havin, fun honky tonk types or whatever, but there are easy pitfalls for women on Tinder. We find ourselves either looking for someone who is our physical ideal or someone who can attracts us with their dynamic personality, because let’s face it, we are also innately more physically attractive than men. This is problematic for me because if i can shop for a fuck, or for love, I’m gonna go for the good stuff.
It might happen that i could meet a few of these tinder prospects out at a bar and be more forgiving for a night or two but if im in the comfort of my own home with my sweatpants on and my fantasies intact, sober and alert, I’m not going to go for fat Brad Pitt or a bald dude in a Capt America shirt two sizes too small for his santacon bod.
But Hey, even me, on my super judgmental throne, at home, will eventually get bored of being picky and say ‘what the hell’ to a shit load of people. Honestly, depending on the mood i’m in, i could right swipe a skinny, lonely, milk-toast ,teacher, pedophile-lookin muthafucka.
So here are some pics of people i’ve denied virtually and a few I’ve humiliated via Instagram. God bless their souls.

1. Unattractive Pic
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This is obviously the most common reason to reject someone. Tony touched on this and i dont understand why it happens so often but most people put up unflattering pictures of themselves. The nuance for women is that so many things can be deemed unattractive. Like a guy who posts only pics with girls in them to convince you that women will be seen with him, clearly wasted dudes, to a guy posing on a bed like he’s crouchin on a surfbort.

2. Overtly Athletic or Muscular Guys
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The idea that a dude would make me engage in some extreme sport (any sport) on a date makes me get the heebie jeebies, and if a guy looks like he can bench press me, that sends the signal to my brain that he could also easily rape me or roll over onto me in his sleep and suffocate me to death. i’m not goin out like that.

3. Manicured Show Stoppers
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Any guy that looks like he might stop traffic or has been on the Sex & the City tour is not going to get a positive reaction from me. I dont like the idea that a dude i’m hooking up with might spend more time putting his ensemble together than me or know more variations of the color orange than me.

4. Serial Killer Types
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You would be surprised at how many guys don’t even care to hide the fact that they would murder you if you went out with them.

5.Cut & Paste Messages
how was you wednesday
I’ve received multiple messages that look like they were copied off of dating one-liner books with the name of the woman he sent it to before me still in there. i have also received multiple messages with insane grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. It may seem harsh to judge someone on these things but when someone is this inattentive to reeling you in imagine how lazy the will be when goin down on you.

6. Guy Who Obviously Is in a Relationship
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Of course it’s possible to hide this but there are dudes on Tinder who are so obviously on a work trip in a hotel away from some sad woman who settled for him in high school/college/or the next cubicle over.

7. Guys Lying About Their Age
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This happens tooooo much on here and is soooo absurd. I dont understand people who lie about their age but it’s not jsut for women anymore. hahaha. everyone is vain self hating and pathetic these days.

8. Soulful Musicians
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When TV has exhausted a stereotype then it’s gonna look pretty silly in real life when you try to pose with your guitar lookin like some Jason Mraz type bitch. May as well just put up a pic of you bartending, it’s way more attractive.

9. Guys Trying to Impress
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Ummm Yeah you in that classy suit, you work in a suit shop, surgeon in the middle of operating…hmm isn’t that a lawsuit waiting to happen? Fireman leaving the scene of a fire with clear PTSD…yikes

10. Sleezebuckets
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Obviously guys who look like they could be on the SNL skit with Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd who play two wild n crazy guys (look it up ignoramus) or a night at the roxbury or a mullet head redneck or skrillex lovers or pomade addicts are never going to put a woman at ease.
(pic of dude in plaid blazer and redneck mullet dude)

Putting a woman at ease; really that’s the whole trick to getting into a woman’s pants. make her feel attractive listen to what she says, make her feel comfortable, be slightly witty and if you can’t do that be really clean and you will get laid.
It’s not that difficult, and most women are not set on dying alone like me. Good luck fellas; Hang in there ladies!

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The next level of marriage

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I’m not a “marriage” person. I think the whole concept is pretty antiquated. I’m not saying it doesn’t work for some people but, in 2015, the idea that it is still the expected path for all people to take is kind of silly to me. That said, it’s still good to see people ,who couldn’t marry, get the right to do so if they please. With all the forward steps it’s taken, I think we’re ready for the final step to happen. No, not marrying your cat (sorry, losers) dog, or other animal. What I’m talking about here is different. It came to me one drunken night hanging out with one of my closest friends. We had often talked about jokingly just pretending to be gay and marrying each other just for the benefits. Like that Adam Sandler movie with Paul Blart. Not only would it be bringing together two incomes, better health insurance and a bigger place to live for both of us but we’d have what we both really want anyway: freedom to live the life we both want to live.

Thing is, we didn’t know the rules of gay marriage. Like, how does one “prove” they’re actually a gay couple? Are there tests? Do they make you fellate one another in the office? I’m assuming not cause, you know, that would be ridiculous. But, if it’s just a “how well do you know your spouse?” test, surely most good friends could pass that easily. There’s got to be something cause, otherwise, I would assume straight people would be gaming the system with this idea since gay marriage was legalized. Whatever the case, it got me thinking and the fact we are two heterosexual males should not stop us from being together. We love each other. It’s a bro-love but it’s still the same love (word to macklemore). So, what if “bro-marriage” existed? (as well as the female equivalent , of course). Basically, you wanna marry your best friend of the same sex, whom you have no sexual interest in whatsoever? Then do it. Now, THAT is something I can get behind.

Of course, there are some hurdles that would arise. First is that damn, “sanctity of marriage” horseshit that republicans and christians always harp on. It’s a nice idea….if it were the dust bowl era but in 2015, marriage has very little sanctity. It’s been pissed on, shit on and flipped on it’s ass. Not because gay people can do it now but cause it’s seemingly a disposable act. People get divorced at a higher rate now than ever. People cheat. People get married for green cards. Most commonly, people get married cause “it’s the right thing to do” and cause of tradition even though they both know it’s probably not the best idea. Basically, it’s a farce. So, that angle doesn’t work for me. Hell, the only reason we can’t marry animals is cause they can’t verbalize the word “yes”. Trust me, people will be marrying their parrots in the next 20 years. Only parrots though…maybe dolphins. We’ll see…

The second hurdle is the idea of a marriage not being official until consummated. Now, THIS will be a problem for the bro-wedding movement. It is crazy that, in the old, archaic and puritanical laws of marriage “You be fuckin’!” is a major tenant. As the bro wedding is based entirely on deep friendship, there will be no fucking. Perhaps a “both in the room, jerking off at the same time while not looking at each other” amendment could be added? That could work. I feel like, if you bust a nut in a room with someone, you’re clearly pretty close. I would also like to point out, to the people who think the no sex part is a deal breaker, have you met or spoken to married couples? They have less sex than anyone. So using sex as a meter of love is bullshit. And trust me, within the marriage of bro’s, there will be plenty of sex….just not with each other. And that there is the best part about being bro-married. My husband wouldn’t give a shit if I don’t come home all night. My husband wouldn’t give a shit if I left without telling him where I’m going. Why? Cause he’s my homeboy and we don’t give a fuck. Sure, we’d have plans together. Go out on the town (ladies love two married bro’s) , see movies, get meals together. All the shit married couples do…except we’d be happy all the time. Sure, he might get pissed if i don’t invite him to come play basketball with me but we’d get past that, cause we’re two dudes and none of that shit matters. Who’s to say that kind of love is less real than your mother and fathers? Not me. Cause, chances are, your mom and dad hate each other just as much as they love each other. In that sense, a bro-marriage is superior. I could never hate my dude. I may get mad or annoyed by him but you know that feeling when you’ve been with someone forever and they walk in the room and you’re like “ughhh” in your head? WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.
Then the topic of children might pop up. Well, duh. We could adopt. or not. I don’t really give a shit. But I’m sure there are some bro’s out there who’d be all about it. Sure, that baby might grow up to be a hyperactive slob lacking any feminine touch but isn’t it more about the love of the parents. Love is love, right? Two gay man can raise an amazing chid. Surely two straight guys can do the same. Male/female assholes raise kids all the time so i don’t see a difference. Good parents are going to be god parents regardless of sex or the nature of their relationship.

So, what do you say America? Are we ready? When’s the first rally to legalize straight, same sex marriage? I’ll be the first guy in line, linking arms with my bro, until we can hear the words “I now pronounce you husband and husband, you my give a strong pound to your partner” as i throw the bouquet like a hail mary pass into the rafters of the non-denominational event center we rented out. Life would finally be right. Can we live?
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Pitbull: The curious case of human white noise

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Here’s some insight to how my mind works.
There’s not a human alive who doesn’t stress out about things they cannot control. War, health, weather, death etc…
I am no different except I feel at peace with most things out of my grasp. I don’t like them, but I accept they will or will not happen , regardless of how I feel or what I do. So, instead of worrying about larger picture things I find myself giving great amount of thought to things that are no only out of my control but are also a completely stupid waste of time.
Case in point, the career of Miami rapper Pitbull.
Now, I’m not “mad” at Pitbull. He’s had great success and worked really hard to achieve that. Talent is all relative and i can tell you, from experience, it’s like the 5th most important thing where success in the arts in involved. Timing, who you know, luck and hustle are all light years ahead of talent. It sucks but it’s true. So, just to clarify, I respect Pitbull’s hustle. I don’t know him or anyone who knows him. I know very little about him outside that he’s on like 4 out of every 10 songs on the radio which feature raps about dancing. That’s all.

So, here’s how my brain works.
I’m sitting in this restaurant I often eat lunch at and they have the radio playing. Hot 97, of course, cause is there any other radio station in NYC? No, there is not.
I’m just fiddling around with my phone , not paying attention, when my food arrives. In the brief moment of disconnect between putting my phone down and eating my food, my ears catch a Pitbull verse playing through the diner speakers. It could have been any song he’s on. I literally cannot tell the difference. I’m pretty sure this one had Ne-yo or maybe chris brown doing the hook. I have no fucking clue. Whoever it was, for some reason, it made my mind swirl. His verse was nothing. It was as empty as the desert sky. It was words that rhyme , said in a hyped up, syncopated manner but, in the end, I was left holding my fork wondering how it even came to be. It was as if this is what free jazz musicians have been trying to achieve for decades yet Pitbull got there first. Lyrical negative space.

Pitbull, from what I know, started like most other rappers. He came up through the underground. Getting acclaim locally, then on a more nationwide level. He was probably named Pitbull cause of how he rapped and not cause he actually looks like a Pitbull. (Clearly, his name would be MC newborn gerbil if he was basing his name on his appearance). So, it’s a fair bet that he got his name cause of his ferocious nature on the mic. I mean, here’s a vid of him rapping a long long time ago. 1997 to be exact. Proof he can actually rap.

Now, like all famous rappers who start one place and end up elsewhere, this is a familiar place. He was a dude who had #barz. In 2015 , expecting a rapper to stay the same forever is pointless and backwards thinking. Holler “Sell out!” all you want but this is why he’s a successful rapper now and not some dude still doing open mike nights in Dade county on a monday. He simply wanted more for himself and the integrity of the music wasn’t that important. Not how I live but i also can’t say I blame him. But what fascinates me is not his music itself, but his ability to become the guy he is. He’s somehow found a lane in which he raps on everything. Party songs, sports anthems. People pay him for this. People buy his records. People come to his shows. But, I’ll be damned if there is a person alive who’s listening to a song with him and thinks “Awwwww shit! Can’t wait for that Pitbull verse to drop so I can rap along!”. Nope. No one. He’s cultivated white noise rapping that works on some level. It’s incredible. He could literally say “Hamburger!” in a rhythmic fashion for his entire verse and it would have the same effect.
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I think what blows my mind about this is that there is even a way that can exist now. The music market is so over saturated. There are lines around the block for people waiting to be the next big thing. Not only that. The way trends change and the fickle nature of fandom, it’s a revolving door. That shit you love right now will not be around in 3 years. That’s a promise. It’s not the fault of the musicians, it’s just the cycle works and it’s not getting better. Yet, through all that, this dude has somehow figured out a way to stay relevant and continue to make music to great success, all while actively saying nothing, having no one who really likes his music and making some of the most forgettable verses ever performed. When I say “nothing” i don’t mean something of value. I’m not sitting here saying Pitbull has to tackle social issues. Fuck all that. I’m saying the dude doesn’t even write catchy dumb shit. In five years, if someone says “Look at the flicka da wrist!” I will know what he’s talking about. But name me a single Pitbull line or verse that didn’t just serve as a build up to whatever the hook is. You can’t. Well…maybe you can but I’m still not buying it. After all, you listen to Pitbull rhymes, what the fuck is wrong with you, bro?
I think all this comes down to mixture of me being impressed and confused at the same time. I take may hat off to Pitbull for his success. He’s unlocked some sort of cheat code and , seemingly, fooled everyone on earth (or at least in miami and fl over states in the US). Whenever I see a person like this exist, I actually assume they’re probably just a really cool person who other people genuinely like. So, it would make sense to me if Pitbull was the man, in real life. So, really, how mad can anyone be? After all, you can’t really blame the artist if you don’t like them and they blow up. The fans are the ones you should be looking at.
That said, I’m still not sure what a “Pitbull fan” is or if they truly exist. Maybe he’s music that spam bots listen to. That would make sense cause there are billions of those motherfuckers.
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Revisiting rules for people over 30

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When I turned 35 (this was 4 years ago) , I took it upon myself to write a blog post about things people over the age of 30 should and should not do. this was met with mixed responses. For people who were avid readers of my blog, they kinda got it. I wasn’t making a definitive rule book but more just a list of things that, hey, maybe you shouldn’t really be focusing your energy on. Things like starting new drub habits, getting into fist fights and going clubbing. I think all three of these things are reasonable. I mean, sure, you can start doing coke at age 35, get in fights and go clubbing all you want but, my point is , perhaps, it’s not a good look.
There are few posts I’ve written over the years that have gotten constant feedback, even though they’re old as fuck. This one, one about how men should not wear open toed shoes and another about how Yung Lean fans are morons. A couple of those were written over 5 years ago and I still get comments on a weekly basis from people who act as if I took away their guns. If anything, it shows the power of google searches. Like, that means, there are people googling “What i should and should not do after the age of 30” and “should a man wear open toed shoes?”. People are fucking insane. The responses I got/get were/are mostly livid people telling me age is just a number and that there isn’t a rule book. True and true but , at the same time, if you can’t see that your life is different in your mid 30’s than it is in your mid 20’s, you’re probably somewhat of a mess. Or you were REALLY mature at 25.
Anyway, I wanted to take a look back and , perhaps add on to this list. As i get closer to 40, it’s clear that aging is a process of growth and perspective. It never ends. 5 years makes a huge difference. more than you can imagine. So, perhaps my tune has changed since i wrote this original post. Let’s take a look at the original list and where i stand now, almost 5 years later
1) Starting new drugs
My stance has softened a bit on this. In a way. While I still think a person who has reached 30 and never done cocaine or heroin should just keep with the program, those are two particular drugs. Other more mind expansive drugs have their place and, perhaps, may be even better cause you are older. Mushrooms or acid are the obvious choice. Mind expansion , when you’re a 20 year old is cool and all but that egg is barely even boiled at that point. Taking an evolved and often complicated mind of a fully formed adult and throwing it into a whirlwind via hallucinogenic drugs can be truly enlightening. Even something like Molly, which is a kids drug at heart, can be fun. i don’t recommend it on the regular but for special occasions? Why the fuck not. just don’t die, old man.

2)Getting is fist fights
Still dumb and they get dumber. A 30 year old getting into a bar fight is dumb but a 39 year old? jesus chrst dude…get it together.

3)Facial/body piercing
Thinking about it now, I guess it’s fine…in the sense that it’s your body, you’re old now and you may do with it what you please. But i still feel like piercing is a youthful form of expression. A 38 year old getting a tongue ring is weird. But things do happen later in life. You know how many people I know that have discovered they are gay or bi in their mid 30’s? Things come to the surface when you start to understand yourself. So, in the same way, maybe some person had a boring ass youth, got married young and had a few kids. In their early 30’s, they got divorced and met someone who took them to a swingers party. All of a sudden, they’re immersed in a world they would have never even considered and it was totally bought on by meeting one person. Next thing you know, that same former boring married person is now 40 and single. They have sensual oils by their bed, own a bag of dildos, wear a copious amount of scarves and have performed oral sex on someone of the same sex , even though they don’t consider themselves gay. If that can happen (and it does), surely someone could decide to get a septum pierce at age 37.

4)Going to clubs on the regular
This was short sighted on my part. Not cause clubs are great and a good time for people over 30. Clubs suck. If you go clubbing, you’re probably a cornball or a girl who “loves to dance!” and drink $18 beers purchased for you by creepy persian guys with cocaine. That said, i feel as though i overlooked the post 30 year old party life style. It goes strong. Sure, you may not be able to pull a 4 day bender like a 22 year old but, if you’re still a social being, you’re going out. You’re getting fucked up. You’re having fun. Now, I wouldn’t go to a club…but I wouldn’t do that shit when I was any age. But the point is, the party don’t stop at 30. If you got the time, money and social circle, it can go as long as you want.

5)Taking leisurely sports super seriously
Still dumb. Much like fighting, this is based on a weird chip on the shoulder of males. To me, this is really something all men should have under control by their early/mid 30’s. Their temper, their competitive streak, their realistic view of what sports means to them. You’re not a pro. This isn’t for a ring. This is for exercise and fun. I play basketball 2 or 3 times a week and it’s truly my favorite part of my week. Better than partying, better than sex , better than making music.
That’s cause it’s fun and it’s my only form of exercise. Two things that don’t share the same space very often. So, it seems silly to enter this thing that I truly love and look forward to with a shitty attitude. After all, IT’S FUN. That’s like going to a party and getting angry immediately for no reason. If you’re not a pro and the games don’t mean anything (when do they ever, really?), calm the fuck down and just enjoy yourself.

6)Blind musical idealism
I stand by this one deeply. Recently, one of my favorite rappers (Vince Staples) got shit on by a bunch of bitter old rap fans cause he said he didn’t care about 90’s hip hop. Staples was born in the mid 90’s and raised on post 2000 stuff. But, for some reason, people were up in arms like what he thinks about the music we grew up on matters. It’s not his to care about. But , still, people got all offended. Part of aging gracefully is letting go of extreme feelings that don’t do us any good. I love my old school hip hop, cause it’s what I LISTENED TO. But if a 22 year old wants to tell me that Young Thug is a better rapper than Rakim, what can I really say to them? It’s impossible to quantify and silly to even think about. Things have changed so much since we (my age group) were young. The internet! That didn’t fucking exist when i was buying tapes at tower records every week. how can we even begin to compare or think the current generation would have any idea what that was like? And, really, if i was them, I wouldn’t give a shit either. When i was a kid, i wasn’t bumping Grandmaster flash and furious 5. I was bumping Big daddy kane. Cause that’s what was popping then.
So, yeah, take it easy with the musical platitudes and just accept that you have your taste and other people have theirs.

7)Dressing like an 18 year old
I think the best thing a person in their 30’s can do, fashion wise, is take a little of the youth culture and apply it to their own, older, fashion sense. Like, you think those crazy space kicks look good? buy them and wear them with you not so skinny jeans and a nice jacket. But emulating exactly what’s hot with 21 year olds as a 35 year old is weird and feels like pandering. Kinda like puffy saying “swag!” or a 38 year old who’s “finna get turnt up!”.
Remember how people dressed in movies about the future? Like all shiny, with no buttons. Lots of silver. Or, if the movie is slightly more depressing, people from the future look kinda like fashionable bag ladies. Well, it’s funny cause the future is now. Like, you could take Bushwick , Brooklyn and dump all those people into Blade runner and no one would blink. The future is now!

Well, those were what I had before but I’d like to add a few more for good measure.
More things you shouldn’t do past 30:
1)Stop being so mad about Drake.
Let it go. Yes, I know he offends your fragile purist soul but he makes some good music and isn’t hurting anyone. Trust me, it gets MUCH worse. In ten years we will look back fondly at Drake. Kinda like how I do Mase, when I think about him now. But Drake is much better than Mase so wrap your head around that.

2)Be a prude
if you’re single and past 30, you should be fucking. I don’t mean whoring around putting your genitals all over anyone but, if you’re on a date, you are attracted to that person and you get along well? fuck that person. Literally.
Listen, we’re not in high school anymore. If you’re over 30 and still think girls who have sex on first dates are sluts, grow up. If you’re a girl over 30 and think there should be a definitive time line for when you allow the man to go inside you, grow up. It’s sex. We’re both adults. We both enjoy it (hopefully). beating around the bush is for nervous kids who can’t fuck anyway. You’re down? I’m down. And when it’s over, we can both act like adults and life will go on.

3) going to music festivals…a lot
This will get me some heat but let me explain. There’s nothing wrong with going to music festivals at any age. Do you. you love live music and the outdoors? Go nuts. i’m speaking more of the people who’s life is based around hopping from festival to festival. Like deadheads but ravers…and old. it’s just not our game to play, guys. going to a few select festivals a year is totally reasonable but if you’re packing up your 1985 Volkswagon bug and traveling across the country watching the same dj’s play in some fucking field, while you got bills to pay and maybe some kids? GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER. That’s the thing, there’s nothing inherently wrong about most of these things but, after a certain age, you must be responsible for yourself and those who rely on you. All that said, if you’re a single person, with no job, no bills and an endless flow of money, I guess you’re the exception to the rule.

4)Posting meltdowns on social media
To be clear, NO ONE should do this but i give some slack to people in their 20’s and younger. At that age, you’re dumb and your emotions are even dumber.
But, yo…if you’re a 36 year old and going off about “Your haters!” on facebook or spilling the beans about how you thought about killing yourself the night earlier…get it together. This is social media. Save that shit for your actual close friends. When you post that, realize that, while your good friends will see it, so will that rando you fucked in mexico and that girl you hated from high school. For no other reason than that, you gotta chill. Write a diary or something. Diaries are great cause they won’t judge you and screencap your meltdown. That’s nice of them.

5)Have relationships constantly blow up
I don’t mean dating. i mean friendships. If you’re over 30 and constantly getting into arguments with friends and burning bridges, one of two things is happening
a)you have shitty taste in people and it’s becoming clear
b)you’re the problem
Either way, real friendship is one of the most important thing people can have. We all have acquaintances and social friends but I’m talking actual close friends. There is no reason that 2 adults in their mid 30’s should be fighting like petulant children and storming out of rooms in a huff. Well, there are many reasons, to be honest, but none of them are actually good. We all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. In fact, we’re all pretty flawed to the core. But , at some point in life you either gotta cut the fat or just deal with it. fighting with friends over petty bullshit is not something an adult should do with any regularity. That’s some “real housewives” shit and those hoes are emotionally stunted morons with way too much money. If anything, a person over 30’s mantra should be “Don’t be like a real housewife”. That’s actually a perfect guideline to live by.

Whelp…that’s all i got at the moment. I look forward to your rage. just take it easy, your old and your heart isn’t what it used to be.