My woes about Drakes woes.

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This is a pointless little story but I figure I’d share it cause it’s friday and who cares?
Man, being old and out of touch sucks. Especially when you actually do make a tiny effort to stay somewhat in the loop. Even when you do that, there’s always going to be something that flies over your head. Where slang is concerned, I generally don’t follow it but I can figure out what it means. Words like “Fleek” or “Thot” come around and all you need to do is hear them in a certain context and you get it. You’d be a fool to use them in real life but, still, you can at least understand them. Other terms,however, are not as simple.

Case in point, this Drake song “Know yourself“. Admittedly, I’ve been running some tracks off the new Drake mixtape. Judge me with all the rap snobbery you got but, you know what? I’m old, very likely know more about rap than you and I can like what I want to like so blow me. Still, while I do tip my hat to drake a little I also think he’s fairly ridiculous. But that’s neither here nor there. This is about a line in a drake song.

So, in this song, there’s a break in the middle  (Go to 1:31 in the above video to hear it) and he goes into exclaiming “I was runnin’ through the 6 with my woes!”. it’s the pinnacle of the song. Every rap listening teen knows that part. There have been gifs, vines and everything. Now, I know “The 6” is toronto. That I know! But, when I heard this line I was kinda fascinated. Like “What a fucking weird thing to say!”. I imagined Drake, walking around Toronto , with his hood up just thinking about his life issues AKA his woes. I thought he might be on some Aceyalone shit. I mean, let’s be real, Drake is nothing if not an emo dude. It would make sense for him to pace around Toronto with a lot on his mind. He’s definitely a cryer. I dunno…the whole thing just seemed like a strange, bold and interesting choice of words for him to use. Add on that it’s followed by him saying “You know how that shit go” and it seemed like the sentiment was real. Yes, drake. i do know how that shit go. I’ve had a lot on my mind and walked around the city , trying to make sense of it all. What a relatable sentiment, Aubrey. I was even in Toronto a few weeks back and that song was in my head like crazy. I was walking around Toronto singing it to myself. It was somewhat embarrassing, now that I look back at it but , hey, music does what it does.

Flash forward to me at the YMCA this past monday. I play ball there a few times a week and it’s filled with a wide variety of people. One major type is teenagers. (Unrelated but, holy shit, teenagers are the fucking worst). So, I’m shooting around with some people before a game and one of the kids starts rapping that verse from “Know yourself” in it’s entirety. Other chime in. a few grown men even get in on the action as well. I say “Man, it’s crazy how drake made an anthem about being sad”. The kid that started the sing along looks at me and says “Huh?” and I say “yeah, like he’s got you all singing about how he runs around his city crying and shit…” this was met with patronizing laughter and the kid explaining to me that his “woes” are his boys. Most likely a shortening of the southern term Whodies. Well, fuck me. I felt 200 years old. What a let down. i won’t lie, it’s made me like the song less. I much prefer the idea of drake and his actual woes over the visual of drake and his corny friends going clubbing. Goddamn it. Oh well, this whole topic got me running through my social network timelines with my actual woes. But you know how that shit go.

Answers for questions vol. 236

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Hi there. Welcome to answers for questions. You guys send my questions about any and all things, and I give you my take on them. Why? Cause why not. If you have anything you wanna ask, email that question to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or simply leave the question(s) in the comment section below.
Also, wanna give a strong shout out to the people who came out to my shows this weekend in texas and Abq. I had a great time. Check me this week in Brooklyn, cambridge and burlington. ore info here: http://blockheadmusic.com/
Anyway, let’s get into this weeks batch…

Do you have any bad memories from your life that physically pain you? Like when you think about them they just make you cringe?

I’m thinking physical pain here not mental anguish. The ones that make me cringe years later are all physical.
I got two that come mind. One was when I was around 22. I was playing basketball at the park and I went up for rebound. I used to jump pretty high back then so I was fairly high off the ground. I can clearly recall my brain saying “Your ankles are pretty loose right now” as I came down and , for some reason, I landed directly on the side of my right foot. Of course, it folded over and turned. I heard all sorts of pops and collapsed to the ground. I had twisted my ankle many times at that point but this was next level. I was curled up on the concrete for like 5 minutes. Turns out I tore three ligaments and I was injured for about 9 months or so. That shit sucked.
The other thing I recall is more visual. I was maybe 8 or 9 and at some summer party with my parents. There was a huge backyard there and I was running around like a little asshole. I guess I wasn’t paying attention (as little assholes tend to not do) and I ran into this rod that was sticking out of the ground. it dug into my shin and pretty much cut me to the bone. It was weird though cause I didn’t slice me. It jammed in, pushed my skin back and just exposed nothing but white. It wasn’t even bleeding that much. Also, I could push the skin back down and you would barely notice it.To this day I have a scar from it but it was the weirdest injury I’ve ever had.

Have you ever (while travelling) been so way beyond tired that you feel as though you’re about to start crying?

I’ve been close. Pretty much every time I go to europe there is a day or two where I pull an insane all nighter. This one time , I played a show in northern poland at this film festival. I flew in, arrived in poland at 8 am (1 am EST). I was supposed to be picked up then but our ride was like 1 or 2 hours late. When he finally comes, I find out we have to drive another 3 hours north to where the festival was. We do that, and I’m awake the whole time. Partially cause I can’t sleep on moving things and also cause this dude was driving like a psychopath. It was truly terrifying. So, we finally get to where we need to be and it’s like 1pm (9 am EST) and I think I’m gonna get to sleep now. Thing is, I thought we had a day off before the performance. Turned out, it was actually in about 5 hours. My friend, who I was traveling with, got to go to bed but I had to stay up and do sound check and pretty much had no chance to even lay down until after the show (that ended around 11 pm). So I just stayed up. By the time it was time for the show, I was feeling like my heart may stop. I did the set, almost fainting couple times during from pure exhaustion. At the end of that whole thing, I had been awake for about 48 hours in a row. There’s also that thing that , when you’ve been up for that long, it’s actually hard to fall alseep. Your body is so haywire it can’t settle down. It was awful. That kinda thing has happened to me a few times and always in europe. I’ve never cried cause of it but I definitely have though I might die or go crazy. Travel is a motherfucker.

regarding a comment you made in answers for questions vol. 232, why boycott all 7-11s in NYC? are they all that different from the Duane Reades?

That’s easy. Daune reade’s are a new york thing. They’re from the tribeca street names Duane and reade. While there are way too many of them, they’re still something that was birthed here.
7-11 , however, is some suburban shit. We didn’t have them here until about 5 years ago and we were doing fine. we have bodegas. Those are our 7-11’s. They’re all privately ran and they all are a little different. Sure, some bodegas suck but they serve a purpose. Corner stores open 24/7. That’s a very specific NYC thing.
Aside from being something we didn’t need, 7-11 signifies what’s going wrong with nyc right now. It’s as if they’re bringing in these suburbia based chains (denny’s, house of pancakes, dairy queen, etc…) just to make tourists and transplants comfortable. By doing that, they’re making this city like every other town in the US. NYC has never needed that stuff. We have good food here. Diners, pizza spots, and anything you can imagine that’s available 24 hours a day. We have perfectly fine corner stores all over. All this does is make it harder for those places to survive. I wouldn’t mind a while back cause those places didn’t thrive here always. A dunkin donuts opened up down the block from this place called “The donut pub” on 14th street. The donut pub is an institution that has been here forever. Dunkin’ donuts was clearly trying to take over. Well, fuck them cause it didn’t work. They shut down about 2 years later cause no one fucked with them. They all went to the donut pub. With 7-11, that’s not happening. Dumb motherfuckers are going there instead of the local bodegas that have been around forever. It’s a real telling sign of what’s going on right now in NYC and it’s not good.

What’s the coolest thing you can do for free?
Hmm…like in what respect? As a tourist? As a basic human?
Have sex. Play basketball. Go to the park. Murder a drifter. Any of those things are free and really really cool.

Have you seen that De La Soul is currently using kickstarter to fund their new “self-sampled” album? Do you have any thoughts about this?
Nope. Can’t say I’m too up to date on kickstarter or what rappers are using it. Self sampled? what does that even mean? Like they’re sampling their own music? That makes no sense and , on top of that, sounds really shitty. Also, why would you need a kickstarter to sample yourself? I could easily google this and get the correct info but, alas, I care that little so I’ll just stay right here, assuming shit until told otherwise. Also, the whole “help me raise money for my album!” shit on kickstarter is corny. Albums aren’t THAT expensive to make. Especially rap/electronic type of music. De la has been around for decades. I’m sure they can afford it.

How many sexual partners is too much for a women to be a long term girlfriend?

I think if, as a man, you’re so concerned with the number of sexual partners a girl has had, you better apply that same code to your own life. Men care way too much about how much a girl has fucked before they fucked them. Who gives a shit? It’s not like it’s really gonna make her vagina loose. If anything, she’s probably better at sex because of it. What happened before you has nothing to do with you. Stop being insecure pussies and worrying about peoples pasts. Unless all her sexual partners happen to be close friends of yours, it shouldn’t matter. I’m more weirded out by a 30 year old girl who only had sex with 2 guys than a 25 year old who’s fucked 50. So, to answer your question, 1 sexual partner is too much. Real men only date virgins and settle for nothing else. Also, if you flap your arms hard enough, you can fly. I swear to the lord almighty above.

If you to choose one beer to drink for the rest of your life what would it be?

Guinness cause it’s the only beer I like. I don’t drink beer. It’s filling and , in general, I don’t love the taste. I used to drink 40’s in my youth but, once I could afford liquor, that was my drink of choice. I never went back. Nowadays, I’ll only drink beer if I feel like a Guinness or if there is literally nothing else available. Also, I’ll sometimes have a beer at the end of a long night of drinking cause I know that another liquor drink will put me too far over the edge. But, even when I do that, I’m drinking whatever is the most watered down pissy beer the bar has.
So, yeah, not a beer guy.

Answers for Questions vol. 235

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G’day everyone. Welcome to “Answers for questions”. You ask, I do my best to answer. If you’d like to ask me anything…go nuts. Email me questions to: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Get creative. The better the question, the better the answer. Let’s gooooooo…

How old were you when you went to your first bar?


Good question.
I remember this very clearly. Back in the early 90’s, the NYC bar scene (at least downtown) was like the wild wild west. No one got carded. No one cared. This was pre-guiliani. So, the first time I went to a bar was new years eve, a couple months after turning 15. To be clear, I had drank a fair amount before that (house parties and 40’s from the bodega) but we never tried actually going to bars until that night. My two friends and I had nothing to do so we figured it would be fun to try out. Here’s the thing, I looked a little older. Mainly cause I was a tall kid. I was already 6 feet tall at this point. My face looked like a baby though. One of my other friends was similar to me. Tall but with a young face.The third friend, however, was the dead giveaway. He was shorter, chubby and had MASSIVE braces. Like you could see them from the moon. He was also the most outgoing of the three of us so it made for a funny situation.
I don’t know how we decided on what bar but we landed at this place called Mars bar. Little did we know, this was an nyc institution. It’s was a punk/biker bar we had walked by a million times. I suppose we chose it cause it looked like a dump and we figured we had a better chance of getting served at a shithole than somewhere kinda nice. We were right.
We go in and it’s full of adults. Obviously…it’s a bar. I can’t begin to fathom what people in there must have thought. We were clearly three children, dressed like 15 year olds in 1991, ordering drinks like “gin gimlet” or “margarita” cause we had no fucking idea what we were doing. There is a certain type of nervousness that went with ordering drinks at a bar as an underage person that is it’s very own thing. It’s as if you’re just waiting for someone to pull back the curtain at all times. I can’t imagine how timidly I must have ordered my drink but I’d be shocked if it wasn’t whispered. My brace faced buddy though? He was in there chatting up the bartender and ordering like it was owed to him.

Another thing I should add is that, we went SUPER early. It was new years eve and we must have gotten in there around 8 pm. Add on that were were novices with the alcohol tolerance of a squirrel and it was a short night. There was a window of fun in there though. My brace faced friend was hitting on every girl in there and that was hilarious. Watching a chubby, brace wearing dork with a fucking Jim Morrison shirt on trying to bag a 27 year old gutter punk girl ,with green hair and cloths pins in her eye brow ,was the best. He was on fire that night…until he wasn’t…around 10 or 10:30 we had had our fill and were way too drunk. We walked outside and my friend with the braces began to vomit violently between two cars. The rest of us weren’t feeling too hot either. We dumped out barfy bud off at his house and my friend crashed at my place. We both also eventually barfed and passed out before midnight. I distinctly recall the sounds of celebration coming from the streets outside my window , as the room was spinning while my eyes were shut.
Lessons were learned. The next day was my first hangover.
Years later I would go back to that bar as a legal drinker and it always bugged me out how small it was. It felt huge that first night. Sadly, it closed a few years back and is now a bank or a duane reade. 😦

It dawned on me while listening to Eric Sermon’s verse on Housing Things that there are quite a bit of classic rappers that were successful despite their speech impediments. Off the top I’d put the RZA at the top of the list.

What are some of your favorite lispy rappers or rap moments?

Well, Kool G rap is probably my all time favorite rapper so that’s one right there. Lil Fame from M.O.P. is another one. Phantasm from the Cella Dwellers.
Sermon and Rza are in there as well.
You don’t really see rappers with speech impediments anymore. It’s kinda similar to how, back in the 70’s a pop singer could be terrible looking as long as the talent was there but , now, that kinda thing is very rare. I highly doubt speech impediments have stopped existing so I gotta think that no one in the current era is giving those guys a chance. It’s too bad too cause , as with all the dudes listed above, it can work nicely. Unless the got a stutter. Sadly, i can’t see rap ever embracing a real deal stutter.

Do you ever sing in the shower? How’s your singing voice in general?

Not with any regularity but I have done it in my life. If I have a certain song trapped in my head and need to exorcise those demons, singing in the shower often helps.
My singing voice is decent. I can hold a tune, harmonize and I’m decent at mimic-ing other people voices. That said, I’ve got one of those voices that is not good or bad enough to work in any real context. Like, even in something like Karaoke. I’m that weird middle ground where I won’t be funny cause I suck and I won’t be impressive cause I can really sing. I’ll just be the guy who can kinda sing okay. I sang a good amount on the Party Fun action committee album and on Aesop’s song “Cook it up“. You find my vocal stylings on those if you really want to feel the full impact.

why do you think Aes is seemingly only getting better (and more popular)? like what quality of him as a person forces his (other than 08-10) consistent and ever-evolving delivery?

i mean his rhymes and beats have both gone from ‘this dude is really good’ to ‘this dude is one of the best’; few people have it in them to actually ‘progress’ as artists to the degree that he has.

HOW DOES HE DO IT!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

I’d say cause he works really hard and won’t allow himself to be half assed. He is easily the most focused artist I’ve ever seen and his work ethic is epic. I think a lot of artists who have been making music and locked down their fan bases get comfortable. Aes has never been like that. He always wants to improve and even move outside his own comfort zone.
It’s funny to me when I meet fans at shows who say shit like “Man, you guys need to remake float!” cause he’s SOOOOO much better now. I realize people have this emotional connection to his older stuff (and my older stuff, for that matter) but, if you step back he’s so much better now than he was then. It’s not even close.

I turn 26 this year and thus will no longer be under my parent’s health or dental insurance. Gross teeth scare the shit out of me so I’m afraid of not being able to afford to go to the dentist. I’ve graduated college but am still looking for that full time job with benefits I’ve heard rumors about existing. So this begs the questions: How do you rank your teeth? Perfect straight and white? False? Somewhere in between? Do you go to the dentist? How do you do health and dental hygiene things? What is your insurance situation?

My teeth are cool. I never had braces. I didn’t have a cavity until I was in my mid 30’s. I got lucky. Admittedly, I don’t go to the dentist very often. I went maybe 3 years ago. My health insurance doesn’t cover it so I’d probably only go if I felt I had an issue. As far as I can tell, I’m all good right now. I try and take care of my teeth and my history of healthy teeth definitely gives me some comfort.
Outside of that, I do have health insurance that I pay way too much money for. My doctor is kind of a shit head (he gave my antibiotics for something that was clearly an allergy related sickness) but , on the bright side, he’s very available and , anytime I feel sick or hurt myself, I can walk over to the office five blocks away and get checked up on relatively fast. So that’s nice.

Have you checked out: ‘Fuck, That’s Delicious?’. How do you feel about a rapper commentating about food? I love many if these episodes, but I work in the food industry. How does the other-side of the coin feel about these cross-overs? I know you’ve been asked foodie questions before, but I would like your insight.
I have and I love it. Bronson is a hilarious and entertaining dude. I can’t imagine any rap people taking issue with him doing that show. I mean, the dude was a cook. That alone makes it perfectly logical. To me, it’s no different than Anthony Bourdain or Andrew Zimmern. I love those kinda shows so, to me, it was a no brainer. I think they should give more rappers food related shows. Like take some closed minded (food wise) rapper who only eats fast food and make him eat some high end cuisine. That would be awesome.

What’s your favorite time of day?

Depends on the day. I’m somewhat of a night owl but I’m also not someone who does much at night. I basically loaf around. But, to me , my favorite part of a day would be when I play basketball or eat a good meal. in general though, I don’t get too specific with that kinda thing. It should also be noted that my days can easily just kinda blend together. I don’t do much some days so the difference between 11 am and 6 pm in minimal.

Notes from the road- Tel Aviv

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Last Week I covered my european dates while on tour and this week, I wanted to talk about my brief time in Tel Aviv Israel.

I gotta lot to say about this.
First off, I wanna point out the opposition I received on Facebook concerning my trip to Israel. As soon as I posted that I was playing in Tel Aviv, A handful of people started bombarding me with “Boycott Israel” memes and basically telling me I was a piece of shit for playing there. Well, let me explain.
I’m a musician. My job is to play gigs. i don’t pick where I play and , for what it’s worth, this is how I make my living. Beyond that, I’m not at all informed of any political dealings in or out of Israel.I have friends who both support and do not support Israel but that’s the extent of my knowledge. I simply don’t pay attention to much news. I’m half jewish but I feel but I feel no deep bond to people in Israel. To put it bluntly, I don’t give a fuck. I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way. I simply don’t think about that kinda stuff. Perhaps I’m a shitty person because of that but I tend to only worry about what’s within my control. I’m speaking of any political aspect to any country I play in. I’d play Palestine if they asked me. So, when people started coming at me on some “How dare you!” shit, I was shocked. The idea of me playing a show anywhere angering people had never for a moment crossed my mind. Once the backlash started coming in, I was like “Oh shit…” but, you know what? The show must go on and, fuck it, I wanted to see what Tel aviv was like. People on Facebook were acting like I was performing for the fucking leaders of the country and not some regular young people who simply enjoy music and going out. I think that’s what gets lost in a lot of political bullshit. Yes, there are some shitty people in many places. Some more than others. But the second you think a whole country is evil cause you don’t agree with their leaders policies? You’re really not being fair. There are good , kind, normal people everywhere. In fact, a decent amount of the Israeli’s I spoke to were adamantly against what was going on in their country. It reminded me of the first time I went to the UK and I struck up a conversation with my cab driver. He started going in about how great G.W. Bush was and I was like “uhhh….fuck that guy”. So, to the people who had an issue, I respect your right to feel some sorta way about that country. You’re obviously more involved and informed than I am…but I’m just a dude who makes music and plays shows. I have no dog in this fight and really don’t care to. Also, taking firm political stances on the Facebook pages of niche underground hip hop artist is fucking ridiculous. Go find a message board or something. Better yet, talk to a friend.

Now that that’s out of the way, lemme talk about my trip there. It started rough. I arrived in the Tel Aviv Airport around 12:30 am. People had warned me that they were tight about letting people in. Obviously. It’s fucking Israel. So, I was mentally preparing myself for some bullshit. So, I walk to the passport inspection line. It’s a mile long. Not only that, it’s not moving. Each teller is taking 5 to 10 minutes with EVERY person. It might as well have been a doctors office but with like 200 people in it. So, I’m waiting on this line and theres a group of russian women get in line after me. i notice them hedging to cut me. The line is so slow that it’s very clear to spot. With every half step forward, this dumpy one slowly angles her body to be a centimeter ahead of me. I’m watching this happen and trying to figure out what kind of argument I’m going to get in once the line gets shorter. At this point, we’re so far away that it doesn’t even matter. I simply must stand my ground. I notice a teller walk into an empty booth next to the one I’m waiting for.. He’s an angry looking bald man with a flack jacket on. He’s taking his sweet time setting up , turning away people who think they might catch a break. Like I said, the line I’m on is very long. Looking into the booth of my lines teller, i see a girl who could literally be a sports illustrated swimsuit model. No joke. She looked almost exactly like Claudia Shieffer. Suddenly, the angry bald teller start accepting people. I have to make q quick choice. Do i wait on this never ending line and deal with the pretty woman or do I leap into action and jump on the short line with the angry bald guy. As I always do, I impulsively go with the quicker choice and get on the line with the bald guy. For better or worse, I’ll take slight discomfort and speed over luxury and waiting. I”m now behind 3 people, as opposed to the 35 on the previous line. The Russian lady cut squad is now definitively behind me and they can’t do shit. So i’m feeling pretty good about that. Waiting for my turn, I look at the bald guys body language as he deals with people. Unlike the other tellers, he’s standing. He’s obviously very much on a power trip and looming over all those before him is a big deal. His face scrunches up as he asks questions. Grilling 75 year old women and making their husbands wait their turn, instead of taking both at the same time like the other tellers. At this point, I feel as though I fucked up. I coulda just waited and dealt with an angel who probably just wanted to get off work so she could go meet her hot friends at a hookah bar but, instead, I got a guy who probably resents his penis and takes it out on any and every person he comes across.
Finally , I get to his booth. He looks me up and down with a somewhat disgusted look on his face.
“Why you here?”
i tell him I’m a Dj and I’m playing a show. He asks where and tell him. he then asks “Where are you?”
I give him a confused look and say “Israel?”
He responds, “No! Where are you!?” I pause and ask him to repeat the question. He does and it make just as little sense as before. I say “RIght here…standing in front of you?” And I was not being snide. I literally didn’t understand what he was asking. This exchange goes back a forth a few more times and begins to feels like a “who’s on first” routine but with an angry israeli dude who wants to strangle me. Turns out, he wanted to know what part of Israel I would be staying in.
“ohhh…Tel aviv. I’m sorry I was confused”
He does not accept my apology and asks me if I’m getting paid for my gig. I sheepishly say yes , now realizing that I might be missing a work visa. I’m kinda shitting my pants. He then snatches my passport and says “Go to passport room…wait”
I ask if I can get my passport back and says “I bring there. You wait”.
And wait I did.
I went to small room where others like myself were sent. It was a room full of frustrated people literally holding their heads in their hands. Women with babies. Sweet old ladies. Rude eastern european cunts who refuse to sit quietly. I’m waiting there and unsure if my passport has even made it into the room. Not having my passport with me in Israel is definitely stressing me out. So, the waiting continues. Everyone in this small room is cursing every passing second. It’s seriously one of those moment where every five minutes pass you just sit there and say “Fucking motherfucker…” to yourself under your breath. As the herd thins out, people who who came in much later than I did have come and gone. At about the 2.5 hour mark, I’m finally called into a room. I sit down, the woman takes a look at my passport, asks me two quick questions and lets me go. Fucking motherfucker…Let this be a lesson to you all. When faced with a fork in the road, even if one side of the road is longer, always take the one with the hot girl at the end and not the angry bald dude.
Side note, the people in general who worked at the Airport were all attractive. Not only that, they girls dressed up a little. Wearing fancy shoes and tasteful make up. I saw them all getting off of work and I don’t doubt they all went straight to the club.
So, I’m finally in Tel Aviv. it’s about 3 am at this point. Thankfully, the promoters are still at the airport waiting for me. I was definitely worried they might have bailed after the second hour of waiting.
They are two local guys where are awesome. friendly and accommodating. They take me to my hotel and I sleep my dick off. The bright side of this late arrival is that I have an entire day to check out the city. I wake up and go get lunch with the promoter. The food is great. Like the kinda shit I could 5 times a week no problem. I walk around most of the city and it’s just a really cool place. old and new. A much wider variety of people than I expected. The one downside is that the city is infested with stray cats.

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If you read this blog or know me, I fucking hate cats. So, to see them by the dozens everywhere…not my shit. Apparently, the city was over run with mice a long time ago so they bought in 1000 (or so) cats to handle that business. Well, they handled it…but then bred like the animals they are, leaving over a million stray cats roaming the city. Fuck that shit. So, all you cat lovers? Go to Tel aviv and eat your fucking heart out. It’s crazy to say but I’d rather have the mice.
So, yeah, Tel Aviv is beautiful. The weather, the beaches and buildings. And I don’t even typically care about shit like that. But I do appreciate a good city and Tel Aviv is one of those without question. The people I met were awesome and it might be the “straight men dancing with straight men” capitol of the world (refer to last weeks “Notes from the road for what that means). It’s an ill sight to see so many swarthy dudes sweating and in motion and for it to be completely heterosexual.
So, my show ended at 3 am and I had to be at the airport around 6 am. Why? Cause you need to be at the airport 3 hours in advance. Why? Cause it’s Israel, that’s why. I get through the first part of the airport pretty smoothly. There’s a whole lot of Passport checking and question asking but it’s much less intense than the way in. I get to the bag x-ray portion of the trip and this is where things hit a wall. Keep in mind, there are people LEAVING the country. They make you take everything electronic out of my bag (which is quite a few things as I’m traveling doing music). After waiting for them to meticulously check the peoples bags in front of me for 30 minutes, it’s my turn. I strike up a friendly conversation with the security guy as he asks me question about the equipment I have. He’s a drummer and is curious about the launchpad I use. The conversation somehow angles into us talking about the movie “Whiplash” and how he felt the scenes where the lead actors hands are bleeding were bullshit. Hey, he’s a drummer, he’d know better than me. I feel as though this friendly rapport might speed my process through the bad check. MMMMMMNOPE. They send my shit through the x-ray machine and focus on my backpack. This is a backpack I carry all my equipment in and pretty much any important thing I need when I travel. It’s also where I stuff random crap. Papers, cd’s, stickers, loose change. It’s got all sorts of nooks and crannies , which I had honestly never considered until I saw israeli security go through it. They plucked every loose coin and painstakingly looked at each one. Every old gum wrapper. A box of pepto bismal. It took about 40 minutes of them removing things, rubbing some electronic stick on everything and re-running my bag through the x-ray over and over again. They even went through my dirty cloths. Lucky for me, they had no idea i was keeping a tiny bomb tucked under my nut sack. SUCKERS. Nah, but seriously…feeling secure is cool and all but…jesus fucking christ Israel. Relax a tiny tiny bit. I Know you’re a target bit the tired american hip hop producer with the jewish last name , who is on his way out is not a threat.
So, even though it was one day, it felt like more. I would have loved to say longer and actually gotten to party there. It’s a great city and despite the haters, I’d go back in a second. I just wish the getting in and getting out parts weren’t so fucking awful.

Notes from the Road- The European edition.

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It’ s been a minute since I left the US of A and did some dates overseas with DJ Cam. In the past, I’ve done little rundowns of my trips and pointed out the “quirks” of places that aren’t where I live. To be honest, I could do this kinda thing within the US but it’s generally more glaring on another continents. Thing is, I’ve covered most of these things. yes, the beds in some european hotels are seemingly built for Jockeys. Yes, the food in some countries is fucking weird. Yes, being in a place where you’re unsure of peoples ability to understand english is stifling for a dumb americans such as myself. These are all givens. So, with those out of the way, let’s take a look at my trip to Europe…and Israel (I’ll cover that later).

Berlin

I’ve played Berlin a few times and it’s a city I tend to enjoy. For some unknown reason, I always end up eating mexican food while I’m there. Of all the places on earth to eat mexican food, Germany makes no fucking sense. But, honestly, I’m a creature of comfort and when I see a genre of food in a foreign country that I can immediately recognize, I go for it like the pussy that I am. German Burritos are odd. Like lots of more “americanized” foods, european places tend to make the food as if their recipe was based entirely on a photo of that food. This burrito looked like a burrito. it didn’t taste bad or anything. It was just…off. Like the meat was minced into a pulp and served with an ice cream scooper and they used curried rice. Again, it wasn’t bad…it’s just wasn’t really what I expected. This same thing would occur again when I ate hamburgers in Kiev. They were cooked well done, had a tiny piece of meat and a bun big enough to make love to with a few friends on each side and never have your dicks touch. But that’s Kiev…This was Berlin. Anyway, I always like my time there but there was nothing out of the ordinary to discuss about the show or time there except my weird ass burrito.

Kiev

Going to Kiev I had a few reservations. I do not keep up on current events and , apparently, i know some people who also don’t keep up on current events but still feel compelled to let me know what’s going on in the Ukraine. From some people (european people) I had heard the warring had moved out of Kiev a long time ago and it was totally safe. From other people, I heard I’d be walking into a scene of “Call of duty” but with more Borsht. Turns out, the euro’s know best. Kiev was fine. Not only was it safe (My hotel was 2 blocks from where all the shit went down and that area literally looks like midtown manhattan during christmas) but the people were awesome and friendly. Aside from the questionable burger I mentioned above, this night and show were awesome. In my experience, Eastern European crowds go hard. All night. They dance. They yell. They’re drunk. That’s fine with me. It was here that I noticed a trend that would follow me throughout the rest of my dates overseas. Men. Dancing. Lots of men. All men. It’s the strangest thing. In the states, when i have people dancing, I’d say it’s generally 80% women and a few guys going in. Out here? It’s the opposite. The men of europe (and Tel aviv) get the fuck down. Sweating all over each other and dancing from beginning to end. It was insane. I’m not gonna lie. i’d much prefer to look down off stage and see a bunch of tits flopping around but I would never knock the dedication and exuberance of these fellas.

Linz, Austria

Linz is a small town an hour or two outside of Vienna. It’s adorable. The people are awesome and unlike many of the austrians I’ve met in VIenna. They’re a looser breed. That said, it’s still austria and it’s pretty mellow. It’s more of a “smoke a bowl and ride a bike” kinda place than a “Go see a show and have fun” kinda place. The hotel I was at was a few feet away from this statue. It was commemorating the bubonic plague that historically fucked europe in the ass many centuries ago.11043088_10152617316566781_473730357376188957_n

A plague statue is pretty real. It’s like a really ornate AIDs quilt or something. Oh, a highlight of this visit was talking to the girl who drove Cam and I around. I was telling her about to US and what cities to visit. Somehow, Baltimore came up and I was like “Well, it’s kinda dangerous” and she was like “Well, that’s okay though cause doesn’t everyone in the US have a gun?” and she wasn’t joking. That was precious. We really gotta work on our image.

Prague

Prague is pretty cool but I didn’t really get that much time there. It’s another one of those eastern euro countries where you routinely see 9’s working shit jobs and you can’t help but think there must be more in this world for a girl so pretty. Not that i would ever even consider doing so, but it’s places like prague where I get why a financially stable American would live there for a period of time, find his wife and take her home with him. Then, when they moved back, the wife would be a year or so into her marriage when she realized the dude she married is a fucking loser and every guy in the city she lives in would be willing to date her. Her street value would be realized. She’d eventually leave the guy who bought her to the states or just divorce him as soon as she had citizenship and live the life of a queen. She’d probably just be a waitress but whatever…it’s better than working in a toll booth in Prague.

Brussels

I love Brussels. Not much to say about it beyond that. Everything was good there. I’d say, of all the places I played, the men danced the hardest there.

Amsterdam

I hadn’t been to Amsterdam in over ten years. Not much has changed. It’s still full of bikes whizzing by you at every corner. Full of tourists and kinda filthy. I’m into it. I almost got hit with about 4 different types of wheeled machines at various times. It really keeps you on your toes. Anyway, I could go into the show and talk about that. it was awesome. The crowd was great and it made me feel good to be back there after all those years , knowing I still have love out there. But, I’d rather talk about the red light district. Dj Cam and I took a daytime stroll through it cause, why the fuck not? Now, I’m not sure what the hours are like for those ladies but I assume the more desirable women work the night shifts. These day shift hoes, though? Esssh….Now, to be fair, i saw some bangers. Legit hot girls with insane bodies, standing in windows waiting for any dude with 50 euro’s to fuck them. It’s really surreal to see as an outsider. You probably know what I’m talking about though cause I assume anyone who’s ever been to amsterdam has done this exact same stroll. But I wanted to bullet point a few things about the red light district.

1- The sad hookers As you walk down the skinny side streets, you see some girls standing, giving eyes to anyone walking by. They’re selling. But every 3rd or 4th girl will be sitting there looking like she’s completely miserable. Probably cause she’s a hooker. Just a guess. But it got me wondering if there were creeps out there who specifically went after the sad ones. The poor girl slumped over on her little stool, frowning as she sadly texts someone from her phone. I gotta think , without a doubt, that is some guys turn on. Man…guys are the worst.

2- Variety! From the looks of it, certain alley ways specialize in certain kinds of girls. There was the Fat black woman section where no lady was under 200 pounds and the skimpy lingerie they were wearing was being devoured by every crevice of fat their body created. I had the urge to wait to see a guy actually go in to one of those rooms and watch him come out. Just to see what his head space was like. Would he be proud? Ashamed? Relaxed? the whole thing was very curious to me. Aside from that area, there was Asian alley which was unfortunately placed right near transexual way. So close , in fact, it had Dj Cam and I questioning who did and did not have penis for the rest of the day. Lady boys can be quite confusing and I’d imagine there are more than a few drunken frat boys who have been out there looking for some asian girls and were surprised with a dick. Jokes on you, brah!

3- The prime spots Location, location, location! The hottest girls I saw where the ones on the main walk way. These girls were legit gorgeous. Like on some “WHY ARE YOU A HOOKER??!?!” shit. Seeing them, i assumed they were very busy. Do you think these ladies wish for busy days? Also, what’s the after sex cleaning ritual? I have so many questions that it would almost be worth it to pay the 50 euro’s just to interview them about it all. But, i’m cheap and fuck all that.

Just a few random thoughts about europe in general…

Why do all the street names have to be like 15 syllables? Getting directions is like entering a spelling bee. “Take a right on hieffwenenger then turn right brukenstrussel and you’ll see flurganwetzalnien road right there.”

I used to always think Americans held the title for being fat sacks of human garbage (and , to be clear, we do still hold the title) but don’t sleep on europe. It’s not all fashionable , lean people. Taking the trains exposed me to a different side of the people in certain areas. The Jerry Springer cast member looking side. It was actually nice to see.

Do you know how weird it is to not see a black person for a week? It didn’t even dawn on me until I was in brussels and noticed a few black dudes and I was like “holy shit…I forgot that this continent is white as fuck…”. It’s obvious but something that just sorta popped out at me.

I’m writing this on a train to Hamburg, Germany for my final show. in a day, i’ll be home and most likely sleep for about 48 hours. It’s been fun, europe…but, goddamn, you’re exhausting. Also, I’ll be doing a whole write up about Tel Aviv cause that trip definitely needed it’s own post. Stay tuned next week.

Goddamn wet wipes AKA The shittiest day

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On monday, I was sitting in my living room around 1:30 pm. I had gotten back from a mini-tour the prior day so I was in full loaf mode. Watching Tv, Stuffing food into my face and doing nothing with great purpose. It didn’t hurt that it was pouring rain outside. I live in a duplex and my bedroom is downstairs. Out of the corner of my ear, I hear what sounds like a faucet running loudly coming from downstairs. Being that I was alone in the house, this was mildly unsettling so I decided to go see what that noise was all about. As i headed down the stairs, the noise got louder and it dawned on that this was the sound of water slapping against tile. I rushed to the bathroom to see my toilet overflowing. We’ve all been there. A toilet gets clogged up and water rises over the rim. That rush of deep fear and you scramble to contain a mess you’re partially responsible for. Except this was different. I hadn’t used this toilet in hours and the water rising out of it was a black sludge that smelled like a thousand bums had been put into a blender. Not only that, it was coming out of the shower drain as well. Upon laying my eyes on this, real panic set in. The water level in the bathroom was rising and about pour out into the hallway, so i ran and got as many towels as possible, I blockaded the doorway off, as the sludge gently settled into the towels. For the time being, it seemed like this was working. The overflowing stopped and it seemed like everything was contained for a moment. It was then I could step back and really see the damage. By this time my trash can in the bath room was floating and the bathmat that was in the room was completely submerged. The water was a disgusting mixture of leaves, paper, human waste and even a tampon thrown in for good measure.
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I Immediately called my super and got him on the case. I left the room cause, well, it smelled like shit, and retreated upstairs to gently bang my head into a wall. Then, it started again. I heard that familiar gurgling and ran back to see the toilet once again pouring waste into my house. And saw this…THE HORROR. (this is video i took of what was going on. Be warned…it’s not pretty)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOthZS26Pjs&feature=youtu.be
Yup. Breath that in. Embrace that. Let it be your spirit guide.
The towels I had laid down were moments from being over taken by the water so I went to get more of them. Once I got those towels down, it was clear that they wouldn’t be enough. I frantically called my girlfriend at her job cause, honestly, I had no idea what to do. Our downstairs was within minutes of being completely covered in shit water. This is where all our clothes are. This is where all my music equipment is. This is where we sleep. She was calm enough to tell me to go upstairs , roll the rug up and block off the valuable parts of our lower level (closets, bedroom). Honestly, it was one of those funny moments when you need your significant others “okay” to ruin something. I would have never gotten the rug, simply on some “She will not be happy that i ruined our rug” shit. But, with that green light, I did it and was able to block off the major areas. Some sludge got around it and seeped a few feet from our bedroom, but i threw what remaining towels we had in the house on top and that slowed it down.
Meanwhile, the toilet is still overflowing, It’s relentless. Like someone opened a shaken soda bottle. It’s not spraying but it’s just pushing out more and more stuff. I can honestly say I’ve never been more panicked. I don’t know what a panic attack feels like but I’d like to think I was close. I was running around my crib yelling “Oh fuck!” , “Noooo!” and “motherfucker”. Eventually, I had to pretty much pick what part of my downstairs I didn’t need so I could navigate the shit water in that direction. I chose the hallway towards the basement door exit. When the water finally stopped, there was basically a few inches of brown water and sludge contained to a certain part of my house. It was like the world’s worst pond.
This whole time, I had been in contact with my super, who was in contact with my building manager. I own my place (it’s a condo) and, in the past, my building manager has never been the most responsive man. I write him a complaint, at best, get a hastily crafted one sentence response that means nothing. More likely, I get no response at all. It the case of this, his hand was forced. My super came over and was like “holyyyyyyyyy shit!”. He then explained to me what happened. Due to the rain, the drainage system got clogged up. Thus the leaves. But that didn’t make sense or give me much comfort cause this buildings drainage system should be able to handle water. Then he says something that makes the most sense
“Honestly, you know what it was? Wet wipes…People in this building keep flushing wet wipes and those things fuck everything up”.
WET WIPES?!?!?!?! my fucking house has inches of shit water in it cause a bunch of pretty princesses like their buttholes extra clean?!?!??!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Wet wipe people. They are a type. It’s very much a “once you go wet wipes, you never go back” kinda thing. They will act revolted by the idea of using normal toilet paper and say things like “If you got shit on your hand, would you just wipe it off with a piece of paper?”. Valid point, except I don’t shit directly out of my hand and that’s what buttholes are for. Toilet paper has been a successful way of cleaning your asshole forever. Sure, you might not wanna eat off it post wiping but…IT’S AN ASSHOLE. That’s where shit comes from. It’s not supposed to be a shining sanitized ruby 24/7. You gonna have some anal sex? Maybe get your butt eaten? Perhaps you’re entering into a “cleanest asshole” competition? Then, by all means, get your wet wipe on. But if you’re just taking a dump then going back to your desk to enter code? Toilet paper will do just fine.
Listen, I get the appeal. It’s nice to know you’re clean. And there are people out there who use them correctly. They know not to flush them. These people are also disgusting cause they have a trash can next to their toilet filled with shit covered paper. I almost feel as if having a receptacle filled with shitty wet paper is worse than not having the worlds cleanest anus. In fact, I don’t almost feel like that…I definitively feel like that.
So, yeah, all this happened cause of a bunch of spoiled assholes (literally).
I spent the following day at my place letting in a crew of men in hazmat suits in and out of my house as they cleaned my lower level like it was chernobyl. Currently, there are 5 machines running downstairs, drying out the air or whatever and, in a few days they will come back a reassess the damages. I’ve been told I’ll need new floors and new walls. I definitely need new towels and a new rug. Thankfully, my buildings insurance will cover it (It fucking better). But all this…Cause a few dandy dipshits couldn’t live without feeling like there asshole was a shined golden goose. Now, that’s just
shitty.

I hooked up with Riff Raff Vol. 4

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You know, I kinda thought we were done here. I assumed the moment had passed and the wonderment of Riff Raff had finally simmered down. Since we last checked, the enigmatic rapper has released his first real album, has probably been touring relentlessly and it’s most likely a wealthy man. All I know for sure is that his Vine is still pretty funny.
Anyway, I got an email from a young lady the other day telling me she had just slept with Riff Raff the prior night. It was my first unsolicited admission, as all the others were arranged through people I actually knew. I was a little suspect and asked her if there is any way she could prove this wasn’t fake. She understood and sent me a screen cap of their twitter DM’s and, well, good enough for me. And , after reading her synopsis of the night, I 100% believe her. If nothing else, Riff Raff has proven to be consistent.
So, here’s what she sent me:
Well I’d always wanted to meet him and when he followed me I figured it was my chance. He’s really odd but attractive in a way and so he ended up texting me and said “hey”. I said “what’s up?”. He asked where I was at and I said my house, and he didn’t reply after that. Well, me and my girl were drinking and I hadn’t texted him again in a couple days. I didn’t wanna come off as like a crazy fan and Annoy him, ya know? So, I texted him a topless picture. kinda forward ,I know. Not my proudest moment but tequila makes ya risky. So, he asked where I was at and if I also had a friend I was bringing and asked for our instagrams and then proceeded to give us his address. He was staying at the veer. It’s really nice and hard to find. Definitely expensive. Finally, we find the place and get in. I call him and hand the phone to the clerk ,who lets us up ,and we get to his room. I was pretty drunk but he was a very chill person. Seemed careful though. For instance, once me and my girl got in , I charged my phone but she asked if she could take a picture and he tripped out a little bit. He has to keep his stuff private , you know? He didn’t like her very much after that so she went to wait in the lobby with her friend and left me alone. It was all very quick and I sucked him up for a little and he used a condom. It didn’t last very long as far as I remember but he asked to cum on my face and I let him ,which I never do. lol. After I hopped in his shower real quick and he had somewhere to go maybe a club? And I left with my friend it wasn’t a very long visit he was very chill with me tho

So there you have it. I think the highlight for me is that he asked to see their instagrams. Smart man. Surely, a man who has had his share of unwanted surprises, when it comes to female guests. Also, the sexual description really cracked me up to. Just so direct. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a sexual tryst described like “I sucked him him up for a little and he used a condom”.
Anyway, I asked this girl to answer some more questions and she was kind enough to oblige.
Here those are:

Have you hooked up with other famous people?

No actually this was the first time

How quickly did he get into it once your friends left? was it assumed that it was on?

Yeah definitely after our texts and right away.

What made you let him cum in your face (cause you mentioned you don’t usually do that)? Just for the experience ,going with the flow or something else?

The experience mainly I thought it was pretty hilarious plus my really drunken state made me say yeah easier

What was the drug situation like that night, for both of you?

None for me and honestly as far as I know he could have been sober.

Is this the kinda experience you will tell future boyfriends about?

If they are the chill type I think it would be a cool story but definitely depends on the person.

Did you find him to be respectful or business like in how he went about the whole thing?

Both. he was really chill but we were both there for one thing

Would you do it again?

Yeah if he’s down

Would you ever date a guy like riff raff seriously?

No I don’t think so I’d honestly have to get to know him better but he’s really odd and way older

Do you consider his persona to be real or put on for the public?

Real lol

RIFF