Notes from the road- Tel Aviv

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Last Week I covered my european dates while on tour and this week, I wanted to talk about my brief time in Tel Aviv Israel.

I gotta lot to say about this.
First off, I wanna point out the opposition I received on Facebook concerning my trip to Israel. As soon as I posted that I was playing in Tel Aviv, A handful of people started bombarding me with “Boycott Israel” memes and basically telling me I was a piece of shit for playing there. Well, let me explain.
I’m a musician. My job is to play gigs. i don’t pick where I play and , for what it’s worth, this is how I make my living. Beyond that, I’m not at all informed of any political dealings in or out of Israel.I have friends who both support and do not support Israel but that’s the extent of my knowledge. I simply don’t pay attention to much news. I’m half jewish but I feel but I feel no deep bond to people in Israel. To put it bluntly, I don’t give a fuck. I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way. I simply don’t think about that kinda stuff. Perhaps I’m a shitty person because of that but I tend to only worry about what’s within my control. I’m speaking of any political aspect to any country I play in. I’d play Palestine if they asked me. So, when people started coming at me on some “How dare you!” shit, I was shocked. The idea of me playing a show anywhere angering people had never for a moment crossed my mind. Once the backlash started coming in, I was like “Oh shit…” but, you know what? The show must go on and, fuck it, I wanted to see what Tel aviv was like. People on Facebook were acting like I was performing for the fucking leaders of the country and not some regular young people who simply enjoy music and going out. I think that’s what gets lost in a lot of political bullshit. Yes, there are some shitty people in many places. Some more than others. But the second you think a whole country is evil cause you don’t agree with their leaders policies? You’re really not being fair. There are good , kind, normal people everywhere. In fact, a decent amount of the Israeli’s I spoke to were adamantly against what was going on in their country. It reminded me of the first time I went to the UK and I struck up a conversation with my cab driver. He started going in about how great G.W. Bush was and I was like “uhhh….fuck that guy”. So, to the people who had an issue, I respect your right to feel some sorta way about that country. You’re obviously more involved and informed than I am…but I’m just a dude who makes music and plays shows. I have no dog in this fight and really don’t care to. Also, taking firm political stances on the Facebook pages of niche underground hip hop artist is fucking ridiculous. Go find a message board or something. Better yet, talk to a friend.

Now that that’s out of the way, lemme talk about my trip there. It started rough. I arrived in the Tel Aviv Airport around 12:30 am. People had warned me that they were tight about letting people in. Obviously. It’s fucking Israel. So, I was mentally preparing myself for some bullshit. So, I walk to the passport inspection line. It’s a mile long. Not only that, it’s not moving. Each teller is taking 5 to 10 minutes with EVERY person. It might as well have been a doctors office but with like 200 people in it. So, I’m waiting on this line and theres a group of russian women get in line after me. i notice them hedging to cut me. The line is so slow that it’s very clear to spot. With every half step forward, this dumpy one slowly angles her body to be a centimeter ahead of me. I’m watching this happen and trying to figure out what kind of argument I’m going to get in once the line gets shorter. At this point, we’re so far away that it doesn’t even matter. I simply must stand my ground. I notice a teller walk into an empty booth next to the one I’m waiting for.. He’s an angry looking bald man with a flack jacket on. He’s taking his sweet time setting up , turning away people who think they might catch a break. Like I said, the line I’m on is very long. Looking into the booth of my lines teller, i see a girl who could literally be a sports illustrated swimsuit model. No joke. She looked almost exactly like Claudia Shieffer. Suddenly, the angry bald teller start accepting people. I have to make q quick choice. Do i wait on this never ending line and deal with the pretty woman or do I leap into action and jump on the short line with the angry bald guy. As I always do, I impulsively go with the quicker choice and get on the line with the bald guy. For better or worse, I’ll take slight discomfort and speed over luxury and waiting. I”m now behind 3 people, as opposed to the 35 on the previous line. The Russian lady cut squad is now definitively behind me and they can’t do shit. So i’m feeling pretty good about that. Waiting for my turn, I look at the bald guys body language as he deals with people. Unlike the other tellers, he’s standing. He’s obviously very much on a power trip and looming over all those before him is a big deal. His face scrunches up as he asks questions. Grilling 75 year old women and making their husbands wait their turn, instead of taking both at the same time like the other tellers. At this point, I feel as though I fucked up. I coulda just waited and dealt with an angel who probably just wanted to get off work so she could go meet her hot friends at a hookah bar but, instead, I got a guy who probably resents his penis and takes it out on any and every person he comes across.
Finally , I get to his booth. He looks me up and down with a somewhat disgusted look on his face.
“Why you here?”
i tell him I’m a Dj and I’m playing a show. He asks where and tell him. he then asks “Where are you?”
I give him a confused look and say “Israel?”
He responds, “No! Where are you!?” I pause and ask him to repeat the question. He does and it make just as little sense as before. I say “RIght here…standing in front of you?” And I was not being snide. I literally didn’t understand what he was asking. This exchange goes back a forth a few more times and begins to feels like a “who’s on first” routine but with an angry israeli dude who wants to strangle me. Turns out, he wanted to know what part of Israel I would be staying in.
“ohhh…Tel aviv. I’m sorry I was confused”
He does not accept my apology and asks me if I’m getting paid for my gig. I sheepishly say yes , now realizing that I might be missing a work visa. I’m kinda shitting my pants. He then snatches my passport and says “Go to passport room…wait”
I ask if I can get my passport back and says “I bring there. You wait”.
And wait I did.
I went to small room where others like myself were sent. It was a room full of frustrated people literally holding their heads in their hands. Women with babies. Sweet old ladies. Rude eastern european cunts who refuse to sit quietly. I’m waiting there and unsure if my passport has even made it into the room. Not having my passport with me in Israel is definitely stressing me out. So, the waiting continues. Everyone in this small room is cursing every passing second. It’s seriously one of those moment where every five minutes pass you just sit there and say “Fucking motherfucker…” to yourself under your breath. As the herd thins out, people who who came in much later than I did have come and gone. At about the 2.5 hour mark, I’m finally called into a room. I sit down, the woman takes a look at my passport, asks me two quick questions and lets me go. Fucking motherfucker…Let this be a lesson to you all. When faced with a fork in the road, even if one side of the road is longer, always take the one with the hot girl at the end and not the angry bald dude.
Side note, the people in general who worked at the Airport were all attractive. Not only that, they girls dressed up a little. Wearing fancy shoes and tasteful make up. I saw them all getting off of work and I don’t doubt they all went straight to the club.
So, I’m finally in Tel Aviv. it’s about 3 am at this point. Thankfully, the promoters are still at the airport waiting for me. I was definitely worried they might have bailed after the second hour of waiting.
They are two local guys where are awesome. friendly and accommodating. They take me to my hotel and I sleep my dick off. The bright side of this late arrival is that I have an entire day to check out the city. I wake up and go get lunch with the promoter. The food is great. Like the kinda shit I could 5 times a week no problem. I walk around most of the city and it’s just a really cool place. old and new. A much wider variety of people than I expected. The one downside is that the city is infested with stray cats.

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If you read this blog or know me, I fucking hate cats. So, to see them by the dozens everywhere…not my shit. Apparently, the city was over run with mice a long time ago so they bought in 1000 (or so) cats to handle that business. Well, they handled it…but then bred like the animals they are, leaving over a million stray cats roaming the city. Fuck that shit. So, all you cat lovers? Go to Tel aviv and eat your fucking heart out. It’s crazy to say but I’d rather have the mice.
So, yeah, Tel Aviv is beautiful. The weather, the beaches and buildings. And I don’t even typically care about shit like that. But I do appreciate a good city and Tel Aviv is one of those without question. The people I met were awesome and it might be the “straight men dancing with straight men” capitol of the world (refer to last weeks “Notes from the road for what that means). It’s an ill sight to see so many swarthy dudes sweating and in motion and for it to be completely heterosexual.
So, my show ended at 3 am and I had to be at the airport around 6 am. Why? Cause you need to be at the airport 3 hours in advance. Why? Cause it’s Israel, that’s why. I get through the first part of the airport pretty smoothly. There’s a whole lot of Passport checking and question asking but it’s much less intense than the way in. I get to the bag x-ray portion of the trip and this is where things hit a wall. Keep in mind, there are people LEAVING the country. They make you take everything electronic out of my bag (which is quite a few things as I’m traveling doing music). After waiting for them to meticulously check the peoples bags in front of me for 30 minutes, it’s my turn. I strike up a friendly conversation with the security guy as he asks me question about the equipment I have. He’s a drummer and is curious about the launchpad I use. The conversation somehow angles into us talking about the movie “Whiplash” and how he felt the scenes where the lead actors hands are bleeding were bullshit. Hey, he’s a drummer, he’d know better than me. I feel as though this friendly rapport might speed my process through the bad check. MMMMMMNOPE. They send my shit through the x-ray machine and focus on my backpack. This is a backpack I carry all my equipment in and pretty much any important thing I need when I travel. It’s also where I stuff random crap. Papers, cd’s, stickers, loose change. It’s got all sorts of nooks and crannies , which I had honestly never considered until I saw israeli security go through it. They plucked every loose coin and painstakingly looked at each one. Every old gum wrapper. A box of pepto bismal. It took about 40 minutes of them removing things, rubbing some electronic stick on everything and re-running my bag through the x-ray over and over again. They even went through my dirty cloths. Lucky for me, they had no idea i was keeping a tiny bomb tucked under my nut sack. SUCKERS. Nah, but seriously…feeling secure is cool and all but…jesus fucking christ Israel. Relax a tiny tiny bit. I Know you’re a target bit the tired american hip hop producer with the jewish last name , who is on his way out is not a threat.
So, even though it was one day, it felt like more. I would have loved to say longer and actually gotten to party there. It’s a great city and despite the haters, I’d go back in a second. I just wish the getting in and getting out parts weren’t so fucking awful.

Notes from the Road- The European edition.

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It’ s been a minute since I left the US of A and did some dates overseas with DJ Cam. In the past, I’ve done little rundowns of my trips and pointed out the “quirks” of places that aren’t where I live. To be honest, I could do this kinda thing within the US but it’s generally more glaring on another continents. Thing is, I’ve covered most of these things. yes, the beds in some european hotels are seemingly built for Jockeys. Yes, the food in some countries is fucking weird. Yes, being in a place where you’re unsure of peoples ability to understand english is stifling for a dumb americans such as myself. These are all givens. So, with those out of the way, let’s take a look at my trip to Europe…and Israel (I’ll cover that later).

Berlin

I’ve played Berlin a few times and it’s a city I tend to enjoy. For some unknown reason, I always end up eating mexican food while I’m there. Of all the places on earth to eat mexican food, Germany makes no fucking sense. But, honestly, I’m a creature of comfort and when I see a genre of food in a foreign country that I can immediately recognize, I go for it like the pussy that I am. German Burritos are odd. Like lots of more “americanized” foods, european places tend to make the food as if their recipe was based entirely on a photo of that food. This burrito looked like a burrito. it didn’t taste bad or anything. It was just…off. Like the meat was minced into a pulp and served with an ice cream scooper and they used curried rice. Again, it wasn’t bad…it’s just wasn’t really what I expected. This same thing would occur again when I ate hamburgers in Kiev. They were cooked well done, had a tiny piece of meat and a bun big enough to make love to with a few friends on each side and never have your dicks touch. But that’s Kiev…This was Berlin. Anyway, I always like my time there but there was nothing out of the ordinary to discuss about the show or time there except my weird ass burrito.

Kiev

Going to Kiev I had a few reservations. I do not keep up on current events and , apparently, i know some people who also don’t keep up on current events but still feel compelled to let me know what’s going on in the Ukraine. From some people (european people) I had heard the warring had moved out of Kiev a long time ago and it was totally safe. From other people, I heard I’d be walking into a scene of “Call of duty” but with more Borsht. Turns out, the euro’s know best. Kiev was fine. Not only was it safe (My hotel was 2 blocks from where all the shit went down and that area literally looks like midtown manhattan during christmas) but the people were awesome and friendly. Aside from the questionable burger I mentioned above, this night and show were awesome. In my experience, Eastern European crowds go hard. All night. They dance. They yell. They’re drunk. That’s fine with me. It was here that I noticed a trend that would follow me throughout the rest of my dates overseas. Men. Dancing. Lots of men. All men. It’s the strangest thing. In the states, when i have people dancing, I’d say it’s generally 80% women and a few guys going in. Out here? It’s the opposite. The men of europe (and Tel aviv) get the fuck down. Sweating all over each other and dancing from beginning to end. It was insane. I’m not gonna lie. i’d much prefer to look down off stage and see a bunch of tits flopping around but I would never knock the dedication and exuberance of these fellas.

Linz, Austria

Linz is a small town an hour or two outside of Vienna. It’s adorable. The people are awesome and unlike many of the austrians I’ve met in VIenna. They’re a looser breed. That said, it’s still austria and it’s pretty mellow. It’s more of a “smoke a bowl and ride a bike” kinda place than a “Go see a show and have fun” kinda place. The hotel I was at was a few feet away from this statue. It was commemorating the bubonic plague that historically fucked europe in the ass many centuries ago.11043088_10152617316566781_473730357376188957_n

A plague statue is pretty real. It’s like a really ornate AIDs quilt or something. Oh, a highlight of this visit was talking to the girl who drove Cam and I around. I was telling her about to US and what cities to visit. Somehow, Baltimore came up and I was like “Well, it’s kinda dangerous” and she was like “Well, that’s okay though cause doesn’t everyone in the US have a gun?” and she wasn’t joking. That was precious. We really gotta work on our image.

Prague

Prague is pretty cool but I didn’t really get that much time there. It’s another one of those eastern euro countries where you routinely see 9’s working shit jobs and you can’t help but think there must be more in this world for a girl so pretty. Not that i would ever even consider doing so, but it’s places like prague where I get why a financially stable American would live there for a period of time, find his wife and take her home with him. Then, when they moved back, the wife would be a year or so into her marriage when she realized the dude she married is a fucking loser and every guy in the city she lives in would be willing to date her. Her street value would be realized. She’d eventually leave the guy who bought her to the states or just divorce him as soon as she had citizenship and live the life of a queen. She’d probably just be a waitress but whatever…it’s better than working in a toll booth in Prague.

Brussels

I love Brussels. Not much to say about it beyond that. Everything was good there. I’d say, of all the places I played, the men danced the hardest there.

Amsterdam

I hadn’t been to Amsterdam in over ten years. Not much has changed. It’s still full of bikes whizzing by you at every corner. Full of tourists and kinda filthy. I’m into it. I almost got hit with about 4 different types of wheeled machines at various times. It really keeps you on your toes. Anyway, I could go into the show and talk about that. it was awesome. The crowd was great and it made me feel good to be back there after all those years , knowing I still have love out there. But, I’d rather talk about the red light district. Dj Cam and I took a daytime stroll through it cause, why the fuck not? Now, I’m not sure what the hours are like for those ladies but I assume the more desirable women work the night shifts. These day shift hoes, though? Esssh….Now, to be fair, i saw some bangers. Legit hot girls with insane bodies, standing in windows waiting for any dude with 50 euro’s to fuck them. It’s really surreal to see as an outsider. You probably know what I’m talking about though cause I assume anyone who’s ever been to amsterdam has done this exact same stroll. But I wanted to bullet point a few things about the red light district.

1- The sad hookers As you walk down the skinny side streets, you see some girls standing, giving eyes to anyone walking by. They’re selling. But every 3rd or 4th girl will be sitting there looking like she’s completely miserable. Probably cause she’s a hooker. Just a guess. But it got me wondering if there were creeps out there who specifically went after the sad ones. The poor girl slumped over on her little stool, frowning as she sadly texts someone from her phone. I gotta think , without a doubt, that is some guys turn on. Man…guys are the worst.

2- Variety! From the looks of it, certain alley ways specialize in certain kinds of girls. There was the Fat black woman section where no lady was under 200 pounds and the skimpy lingerie they were wearing was being devoured by every crevice of fat their body created. I had the urge to wait to see a guy actually go in to one of those rooms and watch him come out. Just to see what his head space was like. Would he be proud? Ashamed? Relaxed? the whole thing was very curious to me. Aside from that area, there was Asian alley which was unfortunately placed right near transexual way. So close , in fact, it had Dj Cam and I questioning who did and did not have penis for the rest of the day. Lady boys can be quite confusing and I’d imagine there are more than a few drunken frat boys who have been out there looking for some asian girls and were surprised with a dick. Jokes on you, brah!

3- The prime spots Location, location, location! The hottest girls I saw where the ones on the main walk way. These girls were legit gorgeous. Like on some “WHY ARE YOU A HOOKER??!?!” shit. Seeing them, i assumed they were very busy. Do you think these ladies wish for busy days? Also, what’s the after sex cleaning ritual? I have so many questions that it would almost be worth it to pay the 50 euro’s just to interview them about it all. But, i’m cheap and fuck all that.

Just a few random thoughts about europe in general…

Why do all the street names have to be like 15 syllables? Getting directions is like entering a spelling bee. “Take a right on hieffwenenger then turn right brukenstrussel and you’ll see flurganwetzalnien road right there.”

I used to always think Americans held the title for being fat sacks of human garbage (and , to be clear, we do still hold the title) but don’t sleep on europe. It’s not all fashionable , lean people. Taking the trains exposed me to a different side of the people in certain areas. The Jerry Springer cast member looking side. It was actually nice to see.

Do you know how weird it is to not see a black person for a week? It didn’t even dawn on me until I was in brussels and noticed a few black dudes and I was like “holy shit…I forgot that this continent is white as fuck…”. It’s obvious but something that just sorta popped out at me.

I’m writing this on a train to Hamburg, Germany for my final show. in a day, i’ll be home and most likely sleep for about 48 hours. It’s been fun, europe…but, goddamn, you’re exhausting. Also, I’ll be doing a whole write up about Tel Aviv cause that trip definitely needed it’s own post. Stay tuned next week.

Goddamn wet wipes AKA The shittiest day

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On monday, I was sitting in my living room around 1:30 pm. I had gotten back from a mini-tour the prior day so I was in full loaf mode. Watching Tv, Stuffing food into my face and doing nothing with great purpose. It didn’t hurt that it was pouring rain outside. I live in a duplex and my bedroom is downstairs. Out of the corner of my ear, I hear what sounds like a faucet running loudly coming from downstairs. Being that I was alone in the house, this was mildly unsettling so I decided to go see what that noise was all about. As i headed down the stairs, the noise got louder and it dawned on that this was the sound of water slapping against tile. I rushed to the bathroom to see my toilet overflowing. We’ve all been there. A toilet gets clogged up and water rises over the rim. That rush of deep fear and you scramble to contain a mess you’re partially responsible for. Except this was different. I hadn’t used this toilet in hours and the water rising out of it was a black sludge that smelled like a thousand bums had been put into a blender. Not only that, it was coming out of the shower drain as well. Upon laying my eyes on this, real panic set in. The water level in the bathroom was rising and about pour out into the hallway, so i ran and got as many towels as possible, I blockaded the doorway off, as the sludge gently settled into the towels. For the time being, it seemed like this was working. The overflowing stopped and it seemed like everything was contained for a moment. It was then I could step back and really see the damage. By this time my trash can in the bath room was floating and the bathmat that was in the room was completely submerged. The water was a disgusting mixture of leaves, paper, human waste and even a tampon thrown in for good measure.
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I Immediately called my super and got him on the case. I left the room cause, well, it smelled like shit, and retreated upstairs to gently bang my head into a wall. Then, it started again. I heard that familiar gurgling and ran back to see the toilet once again pouring waste into my house. And saw this…THE HORROR. (this is video i took of what was going on. Be warned…it’s not pretty)
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Yup. Breath that in. Embrace that. Let it be your spirit guide.
The towels I had laid down were moments from being over taken by the water so I went to get more of them. Once I got those towels down, it was clear that they wouldn’t be enough. I frantically called my girlfriend at her job cause, honestly, I had no idea what to do. Our downstairs was within minutes of being completely covered in shit water. This is where all our clothes are. This is where all my music equipment is. This is where we sleep. She was calm enough to tell me to go upstairs , roll the rug up and block off the valuable parts of our lower level (closets, bedroom). Honestly, it was one of those funny moments when you need your significant others “okay” to ruin something. I would have never gotten the rug, simply on some “She will not be happy that i ruined our rug” shit. But, with that green light, I did it and was able to block off the major areas. Some sludge got around it and seeped a few feet from our bedroom, but i threw what remaining towels we had in the house on top and that slowed it down.
Meanwhile, the toilet is still overflowing, It’s relentless. Like someone opened a shaken soda bottle. It’s not spraying but it’s just pushing out more and more stuff. I can honestly say I’ve never been more panicked. I don’t know what a panic attack feels like but I’d like to think I was close. I was running around my crib yelling “Oh fuck!” , “Noooo!” and “motherfucker”. Eventually, I had to pretty much pick what part of my downstairs I didn’t need so I could navigate the shit water in that direction. I chose the hallway towards the basement door exit. When the water finally stopped, there was basically a few inches of brown water and sludge contained to a certain part of my house. It was like the world’s worst pond.
This whole time, I had been in contact with my super, who was in contact with my building manager. I own my place (it’s a condo) and, in the past, my building manager has never been the most responsive man. I write him a complaint, at best, get a hastily crafted one sentence response that means nothing. More likely, I get no response at all. It the case of this, his hand was forced. My super came over and was like “holyyyyyyyyy shit!”. He then explained to me what happened. Due to the rain, the drainage system got clogged up. Thus the leaves. But that didn’t make sense or give me much comfort cause this buildings drainage system should be able to handle water. Then he says something that makes the most sense
“Honestly, you know what it was? Wet wipes…People in this building keep flushing wet wipes and those things fuck everything up”.
WET WIPES?!?!?!?! my fucking house has inches of shit water in it cause a bunch of pretty princesses like their buttholes extra clean?!?!??!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Wet wipe people. They are a type. It’s very much a “once you go wet wipes, you never go back” kinda thing. They will act revolted by the idea of using normal toilet paper and say things like “If you got shit on your hand, would you just wipe it off with a piece of paper?”. Valid point, except I don’t shit directly out of my hand and that’s what buttholes are for. Toilet paper has been a successful way of cleaning your asshole forever. Sure, you might not wanna eat off it post wiping but…IT’S AN ASSHOLE. That’s where shit comes from. It’s not supposed to be a shining sanitized ruby 24/7. You gonna have some anal sex? Maybe get your butt eaten? Perhaps you’re entering into a “cleanest asshole” competition? Then, by all means, get your wet wipe on. But if you’re just taking a dump then going back to your desk to enter code? Toilet paper will do just fine.
Listen, I get the appeal. It’s nice to know you’re clean. And there are people out there who use them correctly. They know not to flush them. These people are also disgusting cause they have a trash can next to their toilet filled with shit covered paper. I almost feel as if having a receptacle filled with shitty wet paper is worse than not having the worlds cleanest anus. In fact, I don’t almost feel like that…I definitively feel like that.
So, yeah, all this happened cause of a bunch of spoiled assholes (literally).
I spent the following day at my place letting in a crew of men in hazmat suits in and out of my house as they cleaned my lower level like it was chernobyl. Currently, there are 5 machines running downstairs, drying out the air or whatever and, in a few days they will come back a reassess the damages. I’ve been told I’ll need new floors and new walls. I definitely need new towels and a new rug. Thankfully, my buildings insurance will cover it (It fucking better). But all this…Cause a few dandy dipshits couldn’t live without feeling like there asshole was a shined golden goose. Now, that’s just
shitty.

I hooked up with Riff Raff Vol. 4

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You know, I kinda thought we were done here. I assumed the moment had passed and the wonderment of Riff Raff had finally simmered down. Since we last checked, the enigmatic rapper has released his first real album, has probably been touring relentlessly and it’s most likely a wealthy man. All I know for sure is that his Vine is still pretty funny.
Anyway, I got an email from a young lady the other day telling me she had just slept with Riff Raff the prior night. It was my first unsolicited admission, as all the others were arranged through people I actually knew. I was a little suspect and asked her if there is any way she could prove this wasn’t fake. She understood and sent me a screen cap of their twitter DM’s and, well, good enough for me. And , after reading her synopsis of the night, I 100% believe her. If nothing else, Riff Raff has proven to be consistent.
So, here’s what she sent me:
Well I’d always wanted to meet him and when he followed me I figured it was my chance. He’s really odd but attractive in a way and so he ended up texting me and said “hey”. I said “what’s up?”. He asked where I was at and I said my house, and he didn’t reply after that. Well, me and my girl were drinking and I hadn’t texted him again in a couple days. I didn’t wanna come off as like a crazy fan and Annoy him, ya know? So, I texted him a topless picture. kinda forward ,I know. Not my proudest moment but tequila makes ya risky. So, he asked where I was at and if I also had a friend I was bringing and asked for our instagrams and then proceeded to give us his address. He was staying at the veer. It’s really nice and hard to find. Definitely expensive. Finally, we find the place and get in. I call him and hand the phone to the clerk ,who lets us up ,and we get to his room. I was pretty drunk but he was a very chill person. Seemed careful though. For instance, once me and my girl got in , I charged my phone but she asked if she could take a picture and he tripped out a little bit. He has to keep his stuff private , you know? He didn’t like her very much after that so she went to wait in the lobby with her friend and left me alone. It was all very quick and I sucked him up for a little and he used a condom. It didn’t last very long as far as I remember but he asked to cum on my face and I let him ,which I never do. lol. After I hopped in his shower real quick and he had somewhere to go maybe a club? And I left with my friend it wasn’t a very long visit he was very chill with me tho

So there you have it. I think the highlight for me is that he asked to see their instagrams. Smart man. Surely, a man who has had his share of unwanted surprises, when it comes to female guests. Also, the sexual description really cracked me up to. Just so direct. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a sexual tryst described like “I sucked him him up for a little and he used a condom”.
Anyway, I asked this girl to answer some more questions and she was kind enough to oblige.
Here those are:

Have you hooked up with other famous people?

No actually this was the first time

How quickly did he get into it once your friends left? was it assumed that it was on?

Yeah definitely after our texts and right away.

What made you let him cum in your face (cause you mentioned you don’t usually do that)? Just for the experience ,going with the flow or something else?

The experience mainly I thought it was pretty hilarious plus my really drunken state made me say yeah easier

What was the drug situation like that night, for both of you?

None for me and honestly as far as I know he could have been sober.

Is this the kinda experience you will tell future boyfriends about?

If they are the chill type I think it would be a cool story but definitely depends on the person.

Did you find him to be respectful or business like in how he went about the whole thing?

Both. he was really chill but we were both there for one thing

Would you do it again?

Yeah if he’s down

Would you ever date a guy like riff raff seriously?

No I don’t think so I’d honestly have to get to know him better but he’s really odd and way older

Do you consider his persona to be real or put on for the public?

Real lol

RIFF

Answers for Questions vol. 202

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Hello everyone. I hoped you enjoyed your labor day. I waited till the final weekend of the summer to actually step into the sun and now my legs and arms look like red hots. Awesome.
Anyway, this is where you guys send me questions and I answer them. Simple stuff. If you’d like to join the fun, please do! email me questions at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave the questions in the comment section below. Br creative. Get weird. It makes it more fun for both of us.
Here’s this weeks batch…

Hey blockhead I’m a huge fan of both your music as well as phatfriend and a question id like an answer to is what (in your opinion) was the most freakishly bizarre thing that you’ve seen, heard, or experienced while touring? Im sure its been asked a million times but I really appreciate a good what the fuck moment.

I’ve actually had a fairly tame touring existence. I think that has to do with me not really hitting the road extensively till i was in my later 20’s. I’ve also been in a relationship for most of that time so that kinda wipes out any crazy/funny groupie stories that might happen otherwise. I’m always envious of people in their early 20s who tour. That must be so much fucking fun.
The only stories that pop into mind are ones about safety in cities I was unfamiliar with.
This one time I played a show in Detroit. I was staying in a hotel about 5 blocks from the venue. Being someone who’s used to walking everywhere, this was great for me cause I didn’t have to deal with taking a cab or getting a ride to the show. i could just pack up and make it there on my own. So, I walk to do soundcheck around 4 pm. I Do that and just sorta kick it at the venue till it’s time for me to play. I was an opener so I finished my set around 10ish. I get paid and I’m all ready to walk back to the hotel but the people working there are like “NO!!!!!”. They literally wouldn’t let me walk 5 blocks cause it was night time in Detroit. I tried to make a case of “It’s all good, I’m from NYC and this is how we get around” but I had a dude stand in front of the door like “No man, we’re calling you a cab. Trust me on this one”. So, I drive back (it’s like a two minute drive) and the streets are empty. In my mind, I could easily have just walked back with no issue. The next day, I run into a dude who was also performing that night and apparently he had gotten robbed and punched in the face…in the stairwell of the hotel we were staying in. Fair play to you ,Detroit. You are terrifying. i will never question your safety precautions again.
The other time that I recall is playing in Milwaukee. I finished my set and couldn’t get a cab cause there were too many people already getting cabs outside the venue. So, I did the thing I’d do in NYC and just walk up a few blocks and try and intercept cabs before they hit the main strip. So, I wander into what looks like a suburban residential area. Like nice houses with lawns and shit. I’m kinda drunk so my attention isn’t exactly laser focused. Out of nowhere pops two crackheads. A guy and girl. They start chatting me up and I’m just sorta casually shooting the shit with them. I’m pretty much just waiting to see if a cab comes by while these two crackheads ask me crackhead like questions that are basically working their way towards asking me for a dollar. It’s a dance I’ve done before and it’s no different no matter what city you are in. 5 minutes into this conversation, a little clarity takes over and I realize I’m standing in the hood. I guess I was so oblivious cause, well, it’s Milwaukee…but nah, this was actually a totally fucked up ghetto I was chilling in, on the street , at 2 am with two crackheads. So, I told one of them “Hey man, you find me a cab, I’ll give you 5 bucks” (to be clear, the crackheads were not a threat. They were old, small and cracky). He dashes off and two minutes later a cab pulls up. I honestly have no clue how he did it. I gave him five bucks, wished him and his lady well and got the fuck out of there. Right before the cab pulled up, I looked down the block and saw a mass of people moving my way. they were too far to really see what the deal was but I could tell it was a group of 10-15 people. By the time the cab got there, they were maybe a black away. As I drove by them, I saw a group of drunk teenagers kicking over garbage cans and pretty much just fucking up everything they passed. Like a dust storm of trouble slowly destroying everything in it’s path. So, basically, that crackhead saved me from a possible incident. So, in a way, hooray for crack!

Why do the men of NYC catcall to the extent that they do? It’s in a league of its own (when you compare it to any other major city within an English speaking country that is)
Is it worse here? I’ve never noticed. Clearly, I’m a guy so it never happens to me (except on gay pride weekend) but it’s not something I really pay attention to. Like , i walk by construction workers every day and never see them say shit to women. This in no way means I don’t think it happens (I know for a fact it does) but you’d think , if it was a prevalent ,I’d see it with some frequency. What I do see all the time is scum bags kicking it to girls on the street from their cars. That’s the worst. That and dudes who just creepily stare a hole into girl when they walk by them. I mean, shit, I look at girls when I walk around but I’m at least subtle about it. A quick glance and maybe a head turn if I wanna see the backside. But Some dudes will straight up stop walking and stare at a girl like she’s on fire. The funniest is when I see a gross middle aged dude stare at a wildly mediocre looking girl like that. That’s some “i just got outta jail” shit.
but why is NYC the worst about this? Probably cause it’s the most walkable city in the US and it’s full of people. That alone is gonna make any social interaction more common. Especially ones involving scum bag degenerates.

do have a least favorite follower? Be it twitter, Facebook etc

Like one person you’re like “holy fuck I hate this person “?

I don’t think I can pinpoint one person. I have a bunch of twitter and facebook followers who annoy me. Some say snarky shit for no reason (and aren’t funny). Some do that thing where they just reiterate a joke you just made right back to you. Others are just straight up weirdos who tweet cryptic nonsense at you all the time. Those people scare me a little cause they seem very unhinged. I’m a fan of sanity online so anytime someone comes at me from a weirdo angle, I tend to want that person to go away.
I think what happens is that I’m pretty accessible on those sites and people see I joke around so they assume they can fuck with me like they know me. Problem with that is , they don’t know me and that kinda shit talking (playful or not) doesn’t translate on the internet. It would be different if we were friends and had that familiarity but we are actually total strangers so it doesn’t work like that. I can’t tell when someone is being an asshole or just kidding. And cause there are so many real assholes online, I just assume people are being the worst at all times.
Also, anyone who has ever seriously said “first world problems!” to me after I tweeted a joke, I hate you so fucking much. Not only cause that’s a corny thing to point out on the internet (first world thing right there) but it just shows a lack of creative thought in how you go about interacting with people. Especially strangers online. Basically, it’s something dickheads say to make themselves feel better by trying to make others feel like shit. Fuck that. If you’re following me on any social network, there’s a 95% chance you’re chilling comfortably in the first world.

Which t-shirt slogan do you think best embodies the angle of your average bro on tinder?
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engrish-shirt-6
engrish-tee-2
nonsense_shirt_3
phat-dong

I’m not on tinder so it’s hard to say but, from what I’ve seen, it’s more douche bags than people who can’t speak correct english. So, I think I’d say the “Phat Dong” shirt is most indicative of tinder Culture. A bunch of dudes looking for the quickest possible route inside a strangers vagina. Dudes who wear shirts that reference their dicks generally aren’t the classiest fellows.

Hypothetical question: If sampling became completely outlawed, or for some strange and unimaginable reason it simply didn’t exist any more… Would you attempted to make non sample based music? or just bite the bullet and give up music?

I mean, it’s getting close to that point, isn’t it? People can still sample but making money with that kinda music is basically a wash.
To answer the question, i would be extremely bummed but I think I would push ahead. What I’d probably do would be align myself with some good studio musicians and just “produce” in the old timey sense of the word. I’d do the drums and whatnot but pretty much orchestrate the rest. It would certainly make creating music a pain in the ass and far more complicated but it would be better than nothing.

Song of the day 6/6/14


Bless ya life By KGB
http://www.sendspace.com/file/ipkenj
It’s been a long time since I did one of these. This actually might be a song I’ve given away here before but, if I did, it was a long time ago so don’t sweat it, guys.
Anyway, I was walking home last night, listening to my Ipod and this song popped on. Sometimes you will forget a song existed until you hear it again but, when you do, it transports you to a very particular time or moment. As soon at the opening sample plucked away, my mind immediately jumped to being a year out of high school, listening to the Stretch Armstrong and Bobitto radio show one late thursday night. This song came on and I was immediately obsessed with it. Thing is, back then, there was no way to find out what a songs name was or who the artist was unless you were told. Even after hearing their names, it was still a bit of guess work. I recall once hearing a demo from a group I understood to be called “Squire and Pony D”, later I’d find out they were Siah and yeshua DaPoEd (these guys). I had tapes recorded off the radio full of made up names that , to this day, I truly don’t know how correct they are. But I digress.
With this song, there was no announcement as to who made it so , in a time before google, I had to do what we did. Go to local record stores and describe the the song. This was always humiliating cause, well, I’d basically be rapping in a record store to a clerk who didn’t care.

After months of searching , I had given up. I assumed this was just a demo or a super small release that only 5 people owned. Then, one day, I’m in this record store near my house that was more known for dance and reggae music.I wasn’t a fan of either of those genre’s but they would often get early releases of albums on cassette (I got a copy of “Illmatic” there 5 months before it was released publicly). So, I’m sorta casually flipping through new releases and I see it. A song called “Bless ya life”. The group name “KGB” made me suspect that this was just some weirdo german house music. I asked the dude at the store to pay it and, blam, there it was. I bought it, took it home, and made love to it.

I tell that long winded story just to give some perspective of how things were back then. You had to often be a patient detective to find new music. While nowadays, anyone can find anything via Shazam or google, it took a certain type of obsessive person to thrive in being a hardcore music fan. So, to those people who remember that time, I say Bless ya life. While it’s far easier now and everything is accessible, music will never be as satisfying as it was when you had to actually work to get it.

Answers for questions vol. 179

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Howdy. Shout out to Boise, ID. I played a show there for the first time this past weekend and you guys are more than just potatoes. Also, I’m playing in Asheville this upcoming sunday at the Asheville music hall. That’s right, a sunday show in Asheville! Be about it!
Anywaaaay,
Welcome to this weeks edition of “Answers for questions”. That thing where you ask shit and I answer it. If you’d like to be a part of the magic and feel like you have a unique question to ask (about ANYTHING) , throw it my way. Either email it to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave the question in the comment section below.
This weeks batch of questions is really good. Lots of variety and lots of info. Thanks to all those who contributed. Let’s do it.

entertainment can serve a great purpose. however, where does it cease to be entertainment and continues on as stupidity?

How’s that college philosophy class treating you?
Anyway, entertainment is what you make it. A stupid person is going to go about absorbing entertainment stupidly. Meanwhile, an intelligent person can watch the exact same shows the dumb ass watches and actually get something out of it.
I recently got put on to the instagram account of of this teenage girl from Ohio. She’s a tubby juggalo and her entire account is her taking selfies (many of them of her holding drugs) and her comparing her self to Beyonce even though she actually looks like Honey boo-boo’s mom (I forget the account name though…someone out there probably knows her from this description). Anyway she had like 25k followers. Half of them see her pics and are like “You go girl! Juggalos 4 lyfe!”. The other half are people who are amused by how insane this girl is who leave comments like “Lol!” and tag their friends in the comment section. Are the latter people stupid? Nope. Snobby hipsters, perhaps but not stupid.
So, my point is, entertainment is only as stupid as the person enjoying it. It really just depends on what side of the fence you’re on. Fortunately, stupid people don’t tend to think about shit like that so everyone feels good about themselves. AMERICA!

I saw a comment on Reddit talking about the people who used to be regulars in an AOL hiphop chatroom and was curious if you had any interesting stories or if it had much impact on your career?

(the original comment – http://www.reddit.com/r/hiphopheads/comments/1ypl7t/how_do_you_forsee_rappers_careers_ending/cfmoqt1)

“In the late 90’s I used to be a regular in the Arts & Entertaiment – Hip-Hop chatroom on AOL and a ton of underground legends used to frequent there. Sure at the time we laughed at them sometimes and told them they were wack or needed improvement or whatever but eventually they got good and proved people wrong.
You know who used to frequent that chatroom?
Blockhead
Sole (Anticon) – The infamous “Dear El-pee…” diss track STARTED in that chat room. Everyone in there got that shit emailed to them first after he was bitching about Def Jux not signing him. And if my memory serves me correctly he also met a few other members of Anticon in this chatroom as well and that’s how their group/label started.
Canibus – He used to keystyle battle people in that room. As corny as it sounds he was dead serious.
CrypicOne (Atoms Fam)
Yeshua
Despot
Lodeck
Cage
Sugarcuts
Selfsays”

How much do you feel internet hip-hop communities have helped you/other artists to get where you are?

Do you browse any internet hip-hop communities? (I think this has been asked before)

Oh man I was allllll up in message boards in the mid 90’s. Specifically, rec.music.hip.hop and Alt.rap. Those are two that I posted in daily and actually met a decent amount of people through. I didn’t frequent the chat rooms much but, the few times I did, I kicked it with some of the Atoms family dudes and i think Despot was there too.
As for funny stories, I was a total asshole on those message boards. A know it all, NYC hip hop head purist who would argue with anyone who disagree with me. Shocking, I know. I wouldn’t say I was a troll cause I actually meant what I wrote but I definitely was a willing participant in telling people they were wrong. That said, I was funny and some people agreed with me so it’s not like i was a hated character. I was just an extreme. I got into it with tons of people , including Sole and Pedestrian from Anticon. That said, Sole and I actually used to AIM sometimes so it wasn’t any major beef. Just two rap nerds arguing. The three of us got into a huge argument right before “Dear Elpee” came out. I forget what it was about and how it started but I recall Sole shitting on NYC hip hop and telling me anyone from his block could serve any new yorker (My recollection is EXTREMELY foggy of this so take this all with a grain of salt). That infuriated me and we got in this long back a forth about NYC Versus suburban rap. It was long winded and dumb and , in the end, I think we were both losers. Another funny thing I recall was Aim-ing with Sole before I had ever known what he looked like and I made a joke about “Hey, it’s cool you’re from Maine, it’s not like you’re a dude with a red headed pony tail” and he was like “actually, I am a guy with a red headed pony tail…” Then we proceeded to go back and forth for a while cause I thought he was fucking with me. When in finally saw a picture of him I almost died laughing. Awwwwkward!
I was on those boards for years and that’s where I started getting Aesop’s name out there. I actually sold his first cd’s directly of those message boards. Eventually , he got really popular and I started getting a little notoriety as well. Because of this notoriety, I found it harder for me to be a total asshole online cause talking shit about my peers (and those above me) was not a good look. So, i pretty much just stopped posting. It didn’t hurt that a new breed of posters had joined and they sucked so it made my departure a little easier.
As for current hip hop communities, the only one I fuck with is philaflava.com. I love that place. Though, I don’t really use it for hip hop. They have a bunch of different forums that cover various topics. Lots of funny posters and people who are up on new shit. That said, I’d advise against joining it if you’re at all sensitive or are someone who’s likely to feed into being trolled. Newcomers often have it rough over there.

I think it’s hilarious how artists who are on social media a lot these days (such as yourself) tend to get a lot of “when are you going to come back to this-and-this-city?” or “please please come play in so-and-so town!” from fans. As if the only thing stopping you from playing at a show is getting off of your couch and gracing them with your presence in whatever town/city they live in lolololol. What would you like to clear up for these people?

I would LOVE to clear this up cause it never fucking ends.
Here’s how getting shows work:
You get booked where there are offers. Meaning, if I get an decent offer to play in that city and the logistics work out, I go play that show. I don’t pick where I get to play. At best, i have the right to say “nah, I don’t wanna do that show” but that literally only happens when I either have prior obligations or it’s a travel issue. Most of the time, getting shows is in the hands of local promoters. If you live in, say, detroit and you’re wondering why I never play there, it is because no one ever asks me to. This could be due to lack of fan base there, no good market history in that area or simply none of the local promoters in that area are fans of mine and/or think I could make them money. No one’s trying to lose money here and it costs money to get me to play.
Another common thing people do is , when they see I’m playing at a city somewhat close to them, they ask “Hey, since you’re playing San fran, why don’t you come play in Arcata the day after?”. The thing with that is that shows need months of preparation. You can’t just do an impromptu show and actually get people there (and get paid, which is a crucial element of me ever leaving my house).
So, yeah if you’re one of those people on twitter or facebook who’s complained about me not coming to your city (or country), do something about it. Get promoters on it.
Here’s my booking agents info:
North america-Chris@autonomousmusic.org
europe-Lothar@dailyoperation-agency.com
Make it happen guys, cause all I can do is accept offers and show up.

If you had presidential power for a day (i.e: the power to change a facet of society), what would you change?
It can be as arbitrary as a “no socks and sandals“ law, or as controversial as foreign involvement.
Maybe a bit of both? Anyhoo what would you do President Block?

I’m so far removed from politics that this is a tough one to answer. On some real shit, I’d definitely try to move towards environmental issues cause I’ve been watching way too many things lately basically saying the world is gonna end in like 150 years cause of climate change and the rise in sea levels. Again, I’m very much not involved in causes or , really, anything…but if I had power beyond holding a picket sign and “liking” some link on facebook, I’d look into that pronto.
On some more petty shit, I’d definitely put in a “No open toed shoes for men in walking cities” law that would basically cause the country to explode. Also, I’d begin the war on pettiness. Similar to the war on terrorism, in that it’s impossible to win, I’d do it just to shine a light on how pathetic people who are petty really are. Presidential style. It would be worth it just for the state of the union speech alone.

What type of “ask dr. tony” advice would you hypothetically impart to Hannibal Burress’ fictional character on Broad City? Have you seen that kind of ‘fuck buddy zone, but in reverse’ type situation in your real life with friends?

Oh man, I legit feel bad for him on that show. He’s pretty much the most likable person ever. The advice I’d give him would be to keep riding it out. He does EVERYTHING right and , eventually, that’s either gonna flick a switch in the girl or she’ll end it. Unfortunately, I think that a dude in the fuck buddy zone with a girl like the one he’s dealing with, it kind of a lost cause but , if he really wants to be with her, he might as well just see it through. In the mean time, enjoy the no strings attached sex!
As for real life, no. I have never seen that. I’ve HEARD about it via girls who were talking about guys they’re fucking but I’ve never known a guy who was all hurt up cause his booty call wouldn’t be his girlfriend. I don’t doubt they exist but maybe they just keep that shit to themselves. As they should. Get a grip , dude.

The following question may make it seem like I’m super stoned, but that’s not true!
Okay – > Pretend that you have been flashforwarded into the future roughly 13 years from today. And shit in our world has become off the walls mad bananas… One quaint little example is that “the man” is now requiring all citizens to officially replace one letter in both their first and last legal names with a special character, for digitized identification purposes. (Kind of like how a number of logins have password parameters that require at least one special character nowadays). To illustrate further – you may have heard of a guy named “Ian Bavitz” – So, using his name, it could be a legal change along the lines of I@n Ba^itz or perhaps %an &avitz, for example. But what would you choose, given the following options??

– question mark (?)
– exclamation mark (!)
– ampersand (&)
– that pound key (#)
– an asterisk (*)
– percentage symbol (%)
– at symbol (@)
– that hat looking thing (^)
– underscore ( _ )
– the dollar sign ($)

(You need to pick 2…one for your first name and one for your last name)

So, you weren’t high when you wrote this? I believe you. Contrary to popular belief, some people are able to have random dumb thoughts completely sober. I know I’m capable of it.

I think I’d go with “T*ny $imon” cause it’s the least confusing AND who doesn’t want a dollar sign in their name. Ke$ha didn’t ruin it for everyone.

Oh, side note, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while you may be familiar with “sir Jarlsberg“. He’s the other half of Party Fun Action Committee and he’s insane. He’s playing a show in Brooklyn this wednesday and I can’t stress enough how awesome his live show is. If you live in the area, come down and check him out.
https://www.facebook.com/events/262929313880297/

Old people doing drugs.

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Until this past weekend, I hadn’t really done drugs in the last 10 years. I had drank a fair amount, smoked weed maybe twice and taken a little bit of mushrooms once. But that’s it. It’s not that I’m just one of those clean living types. I just don’t enjoy weed, I’ve never done any of the “hard” drugs and all the other drugs hadn’t really come up. So, this weekend, the inner 19 year old in me came out when a group of friends as we decided to rent a cabin in the Poconos and get fucked up. Why? Why not. This winter has been a motherfucker and , even though I don’t subscribe to “needing to get out the city!” as a rule, it was a welcome break. Little known fact, doing mushrooms in urban settings is not always the best idea.
The plan was to bring a bunch of mushrooms and molly. Now, “Molly” is something I had never done. Ecstasy, sure. But Molly? nope. I recall first hearing it’s name when I would be on tour years ago and being like “what the fuck are all these kids talking about?”. Turns out it’s just pure MDMA and is called Molly cause that’s short for “Molecule”. I literally didn’t know that for years and just assumed it was some crystal meth off shoot. Anyway, back when I did drugs with more frequency, Mushrooms and ecstasy were the best mix. Shrooms were my favorite but, you know, sometimes shit might get a little too intense. I recall once drinking mushroom tea on a friday afternoon with some friends and then leaving my house to walk downtown to a calm , serene area of battery park city. Unfortunately, the Shrooms kicked in within 10 minutes (as opposed to the 30 minutes we thought it would take) and we got caught walking down a highly populated street tripping our balls off at rush hour. We literally stood outside a bodega freaking out over who was gonna go in a buy water cause we were all too high to deal with any sober human beings. This led to us stumbling into a small park and all of us almost vomiting as we saw the sky churn angrily above us (pretty sure it was clear skies though). So, a lesson was learned that night. The next time I did shrooms, I took some ecstasy first. The ecstasy would take off the negative edge.

I’m not gonna lie. I was a little nervous about doing both these drugs again. Primarily cause it had been so long. I know what me in my 20’s could handle. Life was simpler then. I worried that I’d do them now and all of a sudden start freaking about needing to pay my taxes or what it will be like if I ever have a kid. You step into shrooms with some problems on your mind, shit might get ugly. There was also part of me that was like “why the fuck am I doing drugs at my age?”. Then it dawned on me. I don’t take vacations. My life is a vacation at home, as I have no real job that requires being locked in a cubicle or any sort of schedule. When I travel, it’s work. So, in a way, this is a vacation. This is me actually getting away, if not for just a night or two.

So, ten of us went to a cabin deep in the woods. I’m talking “GPS had no idea what the fuck was going on” type deep. I’m not gonna lie. There were 5 out of the 10 of us who were straight up drug novices. Thank god for the other 5 people cause they were on the fucking ball. Having pro’s around is never a bad idea. There are so many nuances to tripping you don’t think about. Like how awesome some Vitamin water is when you’re on drugs. Or candy. So much candy. One girl even bought magnesium pills to help lessen any jaw clenching we might experience. If I had organized this trip. we’d have a fridge full of buttermilk and steak tartare to eat and a room with only steel folding chairs. The veterans also bought all sorts of soft shit and toys that , when I looked at sober, I thought they were unbelievable cornballs. Like “Oh, nice fucking foot massager,bro”. 3 hours later, I’m sitting on the couch in front of a fire place gleefully rubbing my foot on it like my life depended on it. One dude bought one of those sharper image head scratcher things that pretty much was being passed around like a drug of it’s own.

It began with the entire group in one room, gathered around a table. We started with the molly. We all looked at each other and popped a pill in unison like some sort of suicide pact. Then we waited. Some people (the veterans) got up and started organizing shit. Like setting up a room upstairs in the cabin to be a very mellow room for lounging on plush couches. The rest of us, anxiously waited to feel something. It didn’t take long. Music was on. Random dancing began and it was clear that people were now high. After the novices , like myself, got done explaining to the other people how good they felt, people started branching out. Some went outside and played whiffle ball. Some danced. Others just chatted and smiled a lot. Then the mushrooms came into play and the night was in full effect.

The beauty of mixing shrooms and molly is that you cover your bases. You’re so fucking happy AND you’re tripping. So it’s like nothing negative can really overtake your night. The worst problem I had was how much I was peeing yet how hard it was to pee. I was constantly drinking fluids so I’d be all comfy in some plush chair or something (when high like this, it’s all about where you’re lounging. The texture of a rug can be a game changer) then, just when I was ready to just melt into that chair, I’d have to pee like an animal.

For me, the most critical part of the night was the hot tub. Holy shit. I’m pretty sure I’m now sterile due to the amount of time I spent in that hot tub, laying there like a rave manatee. At it’s peak, it fit 6 people. I recall , at one moment, everyone jumbling their legs together and random foot massages popping off. I have no clue who’s foot i was holding. I generally don’t even like feet. That’s that drugs, bro.

I’m sure some of you are reading this and rolling your eyes as this is an everyday thing for you. You live that Molly life. Honestly, I don’t blame you. While my body could not handle doing this shit more than once every few months, I can certainly see how something like this can become an integral part of your every weekend. I just think it’s funny to imagine a bunch of relatively old people partying on this shit. It’s like what i imagine my parents were like when they got stoned well into their 40’s. Let’s be real, doing drugs like these are a young persons game. Not to say you ever have to stop but , in general, the optimum time for tripping out is when you’re too young to worry. That said, I had an awesome time and this definitely set a standard and made a blueprint for any future “vacations” I’ll take. It may be a while but, goddamn it, that shit was too much fun. Except currently, my stomach is all fucked up and I’ve slept like shit the last two nights. I guess that’s the old guy part kicking in. So very old.

Answers for questions vol. 173

quokka2
What’s up? Another week…more snow out here for us east coast folks. These new timberlands I got are getting some serious run and it’s all thanks to that cunt mother nature. Did I say cunt? I meant twat. She’s a real twat.
Anyway, this is that thing where you guy send me questions to answer. As you will see from today’s crop, they can literally be about anything. I accept all comers (pause).
If you’d like to ask me something, fire away. Either email it to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Get creative. The better the questions, the better the answers.
And with that, let’s go…

You seem as though you have natural athletic abilities. Like you can pick up most sports quite quickly. Were there any sports your parents put you onto as a child that you just really sucked at? Do you think this has influenced the opinions that you have about sports in this day and age?

I’m one of those people who is decent at most sports but never great. I’m coordinated and have good hand eye but I’m also never the best in the room at anything. Growing up I played a little soccer, little league for like 8 years, tennis and tons of basketball. I wanted to play all these games so it was never a case of being forced to join by my parents.
I can’t say I’ve ever straight up sucked at any sport. I mean, I don’t Ice Skate so I’d clearly be shitty at hockey. I never got to play football much but, the few times I have, I was pretty good at it (for a beginner. I could catch a ball and run). Of the sports I played, Soccer was definitely my weak spot. Though,I’d say that had as much to do with my skill level as how much I truly hated the sport. I hated playing it and, to this day, I hate watching it. It bores the living shit out of me. So, sure, that influenced my taste of it but it’s kinda one of those “chicken and the egg” situations. Do I hate soccer cause I wasn’t great at it or was i not great at it cause I hate it? I suppose we’ll never know. But one thing is for certain, I’m not a fan of that game on any level.

If you were forced to legally change your name to something ridiculous, and use the name for all intents and purposes, which one of these would you choose? “Optimus Prime Jr.”, “Bruce Wayne AKA The Batman” or “Luke Skywalker III”

Well, “Blockhead” would be pretty ridiculous but I’d never do that. Shit, what aging hip hop guy doesn’t somewhat regret the alias they’ve chosen in their youth as they near their 40’s?
I think , of the three names given, I’d choose Luke Skywalker III. Not cause I’m a star wars buff (In fact, I don’t give a remote shit about the entire existence of that stuff) but cause, at least, I’d have a partially normal first name. People could call me “Luke” and it wouldn’t be embarrassing. The same could be said for “Bruce Wayne AKA The Batman” but I’m not trying to be know as “Bruce”. And , even if someone learned my whole name and was like “wait, you’re real name is Luke Skywalker III?!?!!” I could be like “yeah, I have this blog and people ask me questions. This one person asked me a random question about a hypothetical forced name changing and I chose this name…the next day, it was real…weird, right?”. It actually would make for a great conversation starter. Thanks!

Do you ever do the whole KNOCK ON WOOD aka TOUCH WOOD thing? It’s weird because I don’t consider myself to be a superstitious person at all otherwise, but I catch myself doing that in certain situations and I think most people I know occasionally do it too.

Yes! I’m in the exact same boat. I’m not superstitious as all but that one has hung around from childhood. I’ll even knock on no-wood shit which I hear is bad luck. But, on the bright side, knocking on anything is actually completely arbitrary so I think it’s all good. I also do this one where , on the first day of every month you say “Rabbit rabbit rabbit” and that’s supposed to bring you good luck. My mom taught me that one when I was a kid. I honestly think she might have made it up though. Sufficed to say, there have been many absolutely shitty months that I’ve started by saying that so I dunno how effective it is.

how picky are you about cleaning up noise from dirty samples? Your stuff sounds pretty clean most of the time, but some producers tend to leave in lots of vinyl noise. Does this even affect you anymore?

I’m only picky when I think it effects the quality of the beat. A little vinyl crackle can be awesome sounding. But if it’s so much that it makes the sound I’m using unclear, then I either try and use filters to fix it or throw it away. I’ve definitely had those sophie’s choice moments with a great sample that was just too muffled to use. That’s always a heart breaker.

Which subway station in Manhattan elicits the best or funniest memories to you? And which station do you hate the most?

Is there really a “best” subway station? I mean, they’re all just kinda there. Any fun I’ve had involving subways has generally been inside trains , not waiting for them. And even that “fun” was probably just me and friends joking around that could have occurred anywhere. So, there’s definitely no favorite train station. However, least favorite is easy…the 68th street stop off the 6 line. That was where I used to get off to go to high school. It was a mish mash of working folks, upper east side assholes, hunter college students, and kids from Julia Richman public high school. My school was a small private school down the block from Julia Richman and, obviously, they were not fond of us. We had a security guard with a loaded gun that stood outside the school all day. (Side note:he was a low life. with a gun. Around children.) But, the reason that train station will always be my least favorite was cause, one halloween, the Julia Richman Kids decided it would be fun to fill balloons with Nair and throw them at people. I dunno if you’ve ever seen someone get hit in the head with a nair balloon but it’s not what’s hot in the streets. Actually, correction…it’s literally hot. In your hair. It was like a mini vietnam in that train station. People running around in tears with nair burning their skin and hair. I got away from it clean (only a little got on my jacket) but I was lucky. That shit was a nightmare and I’ll forever think of that when I think of that train station.

Dear blockhead, after reading this blog for almost a year now I have only one question, where the fuck are the unicorns?

In your inner minds eye. And in bed with your mom.

How’s your fantasy basketball team doing this year?

This could not be a more timely question as I just suffered the worst loss of my fantasy ball career last week and , also , one that most people could care less about so I’ll keep it brief.
My team is the fucking worst. Yet, thanks to some lucky scheduling, I was in first place until this week. I drafted D. Rose as my first pick and he went down so that pretty much set the tone for my entire season. Currently, I have a team of under performing bums (beal, evan turner, batum, bosh, korver, brandon knight to name a few) who shoot like 35% on a good day. Without a doubt, in the 10 years I’ve been playing fantasy basketball, the worst team I’ve ever had by leaps and bounds. It’s truly soul crushing, considering how much time I put into it and how much I fucking love it. My team is basically the fantasy version of the Knicks.

Could you marry a girl who has had sex with one of your good friends? If not, could you even date her for that matter?

I feel like this question has come up a few times but I can’t recall if it was here or in real life. Anyway, my answer is sure. I don’t give a shit about a girls past. I’ve dated girls that have boned friends of mine and vice versa. It’s only a problem if you make it a problem. I don’t possess that insecure jealousy gene that makes men lose their minds over things like that. Shit happens. People be fuckin’. I only see it as a problem if that person seriously dated a friend. Then it’s crossing some boundaries. But just sex? Who cares. If you do you’re really just saying “I’m an insecure dip shit who also think every girl I like should be a virgin”. I understand that there’s the visual aspect of it, the curiosity about how it went down and the need to know what really happened but ,if you actually love a girl, that kinda stuff shouldn’t even phase you. I suppose , if the friend she fucked is still trying to be a scum bag and hit it or rub that fact in your face, that would be an issue too. But, i dunno…you got a friend like that you shouldn’t be friends with him anyway.
People need to stop being so hung up on sex and the things people did before them. I feel like it’s left over puritan bullshit from our ancestors that has found a way into existing centuries past when it should have faded away. So, basically, follow your heart, bros.

Answers for questions vol. 163

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Tally ho! Also, tally hoes.
How’s life? all’s good over here. Gearing up for a thanksgiving trip to my girls families crib. So, I got that going for me.
Anyway, this is that thing where I answer any and all questions you send me. If you’d like to be a part of the process and , thus, fortify your role as a great person who contributes to society, please send me questions. Leave them in the comments or email them to me at: Phatfriendblog@gmail.com
Everything is anonymous so don’t worry your NSA fearing little heart.
So, let’s see what we got this week…

What types of fights do you get in with your girlfriend? How often do you guys “fight”? When you first started “dating” (I know you mentioned you took it at a mad slow pace), did either of you have stupid fights where you try and end it because you’d get scared ‘n stuff? I’ve done that a lot when I’d start to develop feels when I’m starting to see someone and would get scared bc I’m starting to feel vulnerable and am scared that they’ll peace out on me — I mean, I’m pretty smart, talented, and accomplished a lot so far in my life, but MAN am I weird and can be super difficult. I feel like the smarter you are the more difficult you’ll be — but maybe that’s because you’re just more complicated, ya know?

My girl and I almost never fight. Neither of us are that type. We’re both pretty easy going and , generally, not looking for combat. Basically, we’re both really passive , which makes for very little friction , in that way.
We do bicker occasionally about dumb little things but more the way any two people who live together would. Things concerning the house being clean and not leaving crap all over the place, etc…
I don’t think couples fight cause they’re more complicated or more intelligent. What intelligent person would want to fight with their significant other? That seems counterproductive to the ultimate goal of “getting along”. I think couples fight cause someone is usually either insecure or unhappy. Some people are also just naturally combative and, the more comfortable with another person they get, the more that side feels free to flourish. Which is too bad for that other person!

Have you ever been caught masturbating? By parents, family, friends, gf?
Yes and no. I haven’t actually been caught in the act but, when I was like 14, I was in bed watching tv, scratching my nuts and my mom walked in. She was like “Oh! sorry!” and then fled the scene. So, in a way, I might as well have been caught even though I wasn’t. I forget if I even bothered explaining myself to her or I just let it go. Either way it woulda seemed like I was lying. And, to her credit, she probably walked in during one of those rare moments when I wasn’t masturbating. At 14, that was a pretty common time passer.
When I was in college, my roommate and I were best friends. We had known each other since kindergarten and arranged the living situation. We were close enough friends where a game evolved where the goal would be to catch the other jerking off and ruin their day. I never got caught cause I wasn’t dumb and always locked the door. My friend wasn’t so savvy. But, the thing is, even when he locked the door, I’d sometimes catch him cause I’d quietly turn the knob and , if it was locked, I’d know he was caught in the act. So I’d put the key and bust the door open in one fluid motion. It was admittedly a strange game but catching someone jerking off is fucking hilarious. So much shame on display and, the best part, they don’t get to finish, which is also funny. Though, he did kick me out a few times and made me wait outside for him to finish…which was strangely gross feeling.

What are the stats on your site? How many hits do you get a day/week? What entries get the most hits?

My daily hits range from 1,000 on a terrible day (saturdays when i don’t post are usually my worst day) to 3,000 on a good day. As far as entries that get the most hits, anything involving porn or riff raff. Those two things are the golden ticket to site hits. It’s sad but true. Also, the Lana del ray write up I wrote a few years ago still gets steady readers.
Anytime something I post gets linked on Reddit.com, I also get an influx of hits as well.
It’s funny, I’m a guy who loves stats. As a kid, I used to play the early nintendo video games and keep detailed stats for all the players. This is like that but all futuristic.

What are the weirdest search terms that have led people to your site?
(Maybe you could make that a weekly post if you’re bored/lazy.)

The search terms people find my site by are fucking ridiculous. Almost all of the are porn related and it truly gives a glimpse into the mind of how pathetic most dudes are who are googling stuff. Here’s a screen cap of the top searches that led people to my blog…I might add that I have no clue how these searches actually landed the here but, hey, readers are readers, right?
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The funniest shit about these searches to me is that it’s as if these dudes don’t realize porn sites exist where you can type any word in to a search engine and 50 porn clips will pop up. These are clearly come amateur masturbators. Mad pathetic, yo.

What are the major differences in your approach to producing for instrumental albums versus beats for rappers?

This is a question I get asked in interviews a lot. Whenever I answer it,I feel as if the person asking is expecting like two separate processes but, in reality, I do the same shit either way. When I make a beat, I make that beat. It’s got changes and multiple parts ready to go. If a rapper picks it, I sequence all those parts around his vocals. If I use it for an instrumental track, I simply fill in the blanks left by no vocalist with other sounds and samples. But the process is identical. I’m basically building a song either way.

Do you get any money for working on your blog?
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That’s a rich concept. I wish but, no, I do this 100% for the love of the game and cause, honestly, I enjoy doing it. Being an “Artist” with no real schedule is awesome but , sometimes, you do need structure in your life. This blog kinda forces me to have some. It also is a great way to vent or rant about dumb shit that really doesn’t matter. It’s fun. If I could get paid for this (substantially) that would be awesome but I never came into this thinking that would ever be a reality. I’ve gotten asked about people putting ads up here but, honestly, I don’t need that 30 bucks (or whatever it is) per month. I’m good.

I blow glass for a living and was working a late night, when my friend whom I work with invited me to a gallery/music hangout, aka hipster mecca dubbed “the venture compound” right around the block. I came to a place where multiple tvs playing sleepy hollow on rewind, with random junk from all around who knows where, dantily decorated around this downtown st.petersburg crackhouse looking venue. Where I learned of a new sound/concept or even (very loosely used here) “music” called “noise” which is pretty much a bunch of reverb from the sound system playing multiple songs/sounds. I imagine u have a common idea or maybe even heard it as the popularity is growing. In my opinion. …its pretty funny watching these kids mesmerized in these meaningless, stupid, pointless, no rhythmic sounds. It makes me want to go listen to Mozart in the loudest possible way, just to reassure myself the entire world isn’t totally moronic sheep. So my question is, how do you feel about this new concept of…I dk how to put it… sounds/music. Have you been to a show? Or do u have absolutely no idea as to what I’m talking about? Do you think its another stupid fad? Am I just a cynical asshole? Or i guess I’m just getting older. If u haven’t heard it I’ll send you a link. Overall how does this make you feel? I went back to work about 45 minutes later in utter disbelief and thought, if theres anyone’s opinion I’d like to hear, is one of my favorite artist who (in your case) happens to be the most brutally honest in opinions.

I have seen a noise show or two in my time…not my scene. It’s been around since the 80’s , I believe. I mean…the genre title says it all. It’s noise. I feel as if it’s music for people who reject the concept of music. There’s no explanation that can sell me that kinda music is enjoyable. I don’t care how you deconstruct it. It’s one note…or a tone…that just hums with slight variations. I mean, perhaps there is a drug tailor made for that kinda sound but I definitely don’t do it.
I actually have an awkward story about a noise show I saw. I was Djing at this bar in chinatown once and they had a small stage there where people performed earlier in the night. I got there around 9 (I think I started djing at 9:30) and there were two dudes on the stage with their heads down, slumped over their guitars, turning knobs on peddles. They were two chubby guys wearing all black. Like, imagine if you took trench coat mafia guys out of their trench coats and made them eat Wendy’s for 4 months. They looked like that. Anyway, they were playing noise or whatever it’s called and I was sitting there just kinda baffled. They had maybe 4 friends there watching them and a person I believe was one of their mothers. That part killed me cause all i could think about was what their mom must have been thinking watching her tubby son make what’s basically feedback for 35 minutes in a shitty empty bar in chinatown. When they finished I went to go set up the DJ stuff and didn’t really pay them any mind. As I was doing that, I hear a voice say “Tony?” and it was one of the Noise guys. Turns out we went to high school together. I wish I had a transcript of that conversation cause I really would like to remember how I politely danced around me thinking his music was awful and, at the same time, him probably judging me for making hip hop stuff. Different worlds, I suppose.
But, yeah, that shit ain’t music. If it were, my bellowing furnace would be a world famous Noise rock star.