Oreos and Cold cuts

At this point , saying you’ll never forget 9/11 is old hat.To anyone in the US, It’s a given. Especially to those of us who were in the city at the time it happened. To say it was surreal would be an understatement. Everyone has their own story to tell where 9/11 is concerned. From a guy who was on Duane street to see the first plane hit to a guy who was fast asleep somewhere in Utah, if the topic comes up, most Americans will have something to say about it. I figure, somber as it may be, this might be an appropriate time to tell my version. It’s not a particularly exciting/harrowing version but it is a unique perspective in the sense that I was in lower Manhattan when it happened. Even just sitting here trying to sort the thoughts out is slightly difficult. Not cause I’m still rattled by it in that way but because it was such a strange day (and week that followed) that even trying to pin down ones real emotions from it isn’t that clear.

So, let’s begin with a knock on the door. I was living in the building I grew up in on Bedford Street in the west village. I had an apartment there. Next door, lived my mom (who was not in the city at that time) and one of my Nieces who was living there while she went to college uptown. At that point in my life, I wasn’t exactly too focused. I worked 3 days a week at a bakery and pretty much spent most my days hanging with friends, getting fucked up and making music. I say that more to point out that I wasn’t an early riser. If I was awake by 11 am, that was an early day for me. So, around 8:45, I was awoken by someone knocking on my door. I was dead asleep and very confused. I stumbled over to get it and it was my niece. She alerted me that a plane had hit one of the twin towers. My initial thought was “Hmm..weird…” but I was also ready to go back to sleep. It just seemed like a fluke. She was pretty freaked out though so I stayed up and we turned on the news. So, we’re there watching and something just felt off. I mean, clearly, anytime a plane flies into a building , things will feel off but as news reports began to leak out it was starting to feel like it wasn’t some fluke. It was about then that we watched as the second plane approached and slammed into the other building. Suffice to say, we were both freaked out. We both just sat there with our mouths agape watching the instant replays. As it was clear that this was not just two accidents, I hopped up and decided to run to the supermarket around the corner to get supplies in case this shit got worse. It was beautiful outside. Seriously. Not a cloud in the sky. Breezy and sunny with low humidity. Perfect. Which made the two billowing stacks clearly visible from 7th avenue even stranger to witness.
I got to the supermarket and there was a door person. Apparently, i wasn’t the only one freaking out so they had to have a door man to let one person in every time another person went out. It as like the worst nightclub ever. I forget what I bought but I’d imagine it was a bunch of water some cold cuts and some fucking oreos (like I said, I wasn’t exactly bout that healthy life back then).
I got home and my niece was wrapped up in a blanket on my couch in full zombie mode. I had forgotten that I had put my ringer on mute and that my answering machine (This was before cell phones were a given) was silenced as well. I noticed a light blinking and I had like 15 messages from different people asking if everything was okay. I made a bunch of calls, a few of which were to some friends who lived down in Tribeca, right near the WTC. Everyone was fine for the time being. Then the first tower fell. It’s weird cause, for some reason, I wasn’t shocked. It makes no sense looking back cause, why the fuck would I expect that but when it happened, I clearly remember feeling like “Yup..and now this happens…”. I couldn’t hear the tower falling but I could feel it. I was about 25-30 blocks away but there was still a slight rumble. Like a tiny earthquake. It was then that I started getting more calls and all the Tribeca people were fleeing the area. A few friends just came to my place. Then a few more. Eventually, we were like 7 deep in my crib. All sitting there in disbelief, watching the news with wide eyes. We all sat there just watching these explosion clips, over and over again. It got to the point where it just didn’t even look real. Like it was a Michael Bay movie with REALLY good special effects. The news was relentless. As new footage would be found , you’d be subjected to yet another crazy angle of the horror. I can’t even lie. I was mesmerized. To this day, I can’t take my eyes off that footage if it’s on. I don’t know if it’s just related to the initial shock or the spectacle of it all…but it’s hard to not stare at. Also, I clearly remember the turn when the news just went from showing the crashes all day to suddenly just not showing them at all. As if to say ” You good? Good…we’re moving on from that part of this…”But I digress.

Because my mom was away, I had room to house a few people. So many of the downtown folk crashed at my place for a few days. It was definitely nice to be around people, as shell shocked as we all were , cause processing this kinda thing on your own is never a good idea. Especially when all you’re doing is sitting there watching the news like you were lobotomized.
Flash forward a few hours and both towers were down. It was clear we were being attacked by someone. We had no idea if we should expect more attacks. The sounds of jets and helicopters whizzing above didn’t exactly sooth those feelings as every time I heard a low flying plane I couldn’t help but think it was another attack about to happen. Hell, even that night at 2 am, the ground rumbled and , once again, I thought a bomb had been dropped in another part of town. Turns out it as a small earthquake caused by the two buildings collapsing. Still, that shit was terrifying.

At the time, I was dating a girl. It was a weird situation as , while we were a couple, I wasn’t exactly all in. Admittedly, I was the dick in this situation but, hey, I was young. She was great but she was also younger than me and I was just not as invested as she woulda liked. I’m saying all this to simply portray that I was a shitty boyfriend at the time. So, that night, she was freaking out. We all were. But she wanted me to come stay with her. She lived at home with her mom and sister in Soho and her dad was out of town. So, they were all freaked out and wanted a man around I suppose.As if my pussy ass could save anyone but I suppose that wasn’t the point. She lived on the other side of Houston street so I wasn’t even sure I could go there. Begrudgingly, I agreed to it. Partially cause I didn’t want to leave my house but also cause I had not met her mother yet and we had been together for a decent amount of time. This was not the best way to make an introduction. But, whatever, I went. I got to Houston Street and the armed guards weren’t letting anyone through. In order for me to get over there, I had to be picked up by a resident with a legit ID, show my ID and sign a sheet of paper telling who I am and giving all my info. It was nuts considering I just wanted to cross a street. They came and got me and I was in. I met her mom and she was understandably a mess. Not only was it 9/11 but her daughter was also dating an older guy who was wearing Girbauds. That’s like a 9/11 of it’s own for any mother of a young girl (she was 19 or 20 at the time).
Now, here’s a real low point…And, I’d advise my mom/brothers/sisters/nieces/nephews (if any of you happen to be reading this)to stop reading this paragraph…seriously…Just skip it. Especially you, mom…for real.
So, after a wildly awkward meet and greet with her mom and little sister. We all went to bed. I was supposed to sleep on the couch , while my girl was supposed to go to her bedroom. Well, I did sleep on the couch but first we hung out a little in her room. I have no recollection of how it happened but the night definitely ended with a blow job. I’d like to say it was cause I was fucked in the head from the events (which I’m sure I was) and I needed soothing in my own way but I can’t help but think my youthful hormones just put the breaks on everything that was going on and I was like “Hey, head!”. The messed up thing is that we only didn’t have sex cause we had to be quiet. Ughh…the whole thing makes me cringe when I think about it now…I busted a nut on 9/11. That seems like all the evidence you’d need to get checked off as a total sociopath. But, hey, who knows…maybe that was my way of dealing with it. Regardless, not my proudest moment.

The next day, I went back to my place where we were quarantined. All lower Manhattan neighborhoods were split up and the edges were lined with armed guards. From 14th street to Houston street was where I was stranded. Obviously, everything was closed so it was good that I bought those cold cuts. Walking outside was insane. There was no one in the streets except the people who lived in the neighborhood. That might not sound to strange to some of you but , in NYC, to see that makes it feel like this huge ghost town…or detroit. It should also be noted that it’s the nicest anyone has ever been. Everyone was saying “hi” to strangers. It was friendly in a way that NYC just isn’t. But, hey, I wasn’t complaining. That whole part of NYC needed a hug at that point and friendliness to strangers was as good as it would get on a large level.

By then, the smoke of the fallen towers had turned around and started to blow our way. It was awful. We had to keep all the windows shut and some even walked around with those surgical masks on. So, we were all there in the ghost town of the west village. still glued to the tv. We decided it might be best to peel ourselves away from the news and try and do something. I don’t know how but we found out a movie theater on 13th street was showing free movies all day for anyone trapped in our sector. So, we gathered up (and called some other friends) and went to see a movie. It was Rush hour 2 and I’ll never forget it cause, there we all were, sitting in a packed movie theater of visibly shook people and one of the first scenes that happens is a huge explosion in the side of a building. All you could do was laugh at the irony of this movie being a way to escape. still, it was nice to not be watching the news and flinching at every little sound outside.

The following few days, the neighborhood lock down continued. It was awesome in a way cause all the locals just had free reign of this entire area. I went to the park and played ball like I would on any normal sunny day in the fall…choking through the thick fumes of the debris that was still swirling around all of lower Manhattan. Eventually, everyone went back home or skipped town for a little bit. The shell shock-edness of it all slowly waned but never really went away. At least not for a few months. Looking back on it, I’m definitely one of the lucky ones. No one I know died in the attack. I was surrounded by friends. I was just another person who was there to see it happen. I always imagined some dude in the middle of America who’s life totally went back to normal a day after the attacks. Sure, airports were now more annoying but, other than that, his life went on like nothing happened. I’m not even trying to make a point with that but it was just a strange reality to imagine from where I was coming from.
12 years later and I’d be lying if I said I still think about it much. Outside of looking at the newly erected “Freedom tower”, and thinking “That thing is just another target…”. Admittedly, I’m not the most sentimental person and have never found solace in dwelling on things endlessly. But still, it will forever be etched in my mind like very few things I’ve ever been witness to. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in that.

Answers for question vol.149

Hi everyone.
Back again for the 149th time, bringing you the truths the lamestream media is scared to tell you. Just kidding. I’m just talking bullshit up in here in general. I played at the Rootwire festival this weekend. It went off. Now THAT was a hippie ass festival if I’ve ever played one but those people got down. Shout out to the girl I glanced at while on stage who was dancing completely nude. Also shout out to whatever drugs she was on cause not a fuck was given by her in the slightest.
Anyway, you got questions that need answering? about anything? Send them my way! Email them to me at: Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. They’re both anonymous so, have no fear. Also, if you need love advice, send those questions over too. My “Dr. tony” question pile is pretty thin right now and I need ammo for future entries.
Okay? Great…on with the questions.

Are there any movies you’ve seen that you believe to be in need of a sequel/sequels, or are you an anti-sequel type of dude?

I’m not an anti-sequels type of guy but, in general, sequels do tend to be thrown together and pushed out before they’re ready. Every now and then , though, they nail one. I though Blade 2 was awesome. Gremlins 2 was better than the first, in my opinion. The second X-men movie was better than the first. And did you see the last Rambo installment? Holy shit.
As for movies I’d like to see give it a second go? Obviously, Macgruber.

That needs to be made into a 15 part mega series. Still, one of the most slept on and hilarious movies I’ve ever seen. What else? hmm…I’d love to see another Team America. Mostly comedies work for me as sequels. Action or drama movies tend to spill their load in the first go round.

I have an opinion type question. What do you think is the perfect friend dynamic? Like, for example, when I was young (primary school) I would just be friends with everyone and have a new best friend every couple of months, but I guess that was just growing up. Later, through high school and start of college I had a clear best friend and it was great but it was a little difficult sometimes. It was a real bromance, we would talk on the phone everyday, hang out almost every day, even go on vacation just the two of us a couple of times (no homo, we would get together with girls while there) and it was great to have that kind of friend but it became like a relationship. I had to call him and talk, it was an obligation.. So we grew apart and now I have a couple of good friends but no one to call my best friend, while my former bf has a new one (lol, no homo). I like this arrangement more, because I already have a girlfriend and I only have 24 hours in my day, but sometimes I miss having a friend who would be down for anything, anytime. So what would be your perfect friend dynamic?

I like to look at friendship levels like strata. Let’s say, you are the core of your “earth”. and every layer around you are your friends. You have the the first layer which is mostly made up of family , girl/boyfriend, husband/wife and your very closest friends. While I do have a “best friend” , I also have a small handful of other friends who I’m just as close with. They would all be on the first strata.
The second strata would be people I’m very cool with and enjoy hanging around with but they aren’t exactly my go-to friends. They’d be at my wedding. They’d be at my birthday parties but they wouldn’t exactly be expected to visit me in the hospital. I’d see a movie with them and go out to dinner with them but they probably don’t know my moms first name.
The third strata are people who you don’t really keep close contact with but you see frequently and like them enough. They’re casual buddies. But, beyond that, they are people whose company you enjoy , just not on a regular basis. That’s a very light relationship. If one of these people pops off at you about some bullshit, they’re the type you can be like “eh, go fuck yourself” and life will go on like it never happened with or without them.
The fourth layer is acquaintances. People you don’t really know well. Perhaps internet friends or co-workers. You greet them and small talk but that’s about it.
The fifth layer and beyond is for strangers and people you’ve met once.
That’s how I see it.
All that said, whenever I hear a grown man harping about his “Best friend”, I do find it kinda weird. That’s a very “care bear” ass thing to think about as an adult in general. By the time you’re grown, all these things should be established to the point of it no longer being a conversation piece.

Any thoughts on “fixed gear hipster cyclists”. I laugh uncontrollably every time I see one of these poor lost souls…You?

I honestly didn’t even know what “Fixed gear” meant until this year. Hell, let those people ride what they wanna ride. If they hate brakes so much, give them what they want. I’m not a bike rider so I truly am completely indifferent about the whole thing.
But, speaking of bikes, in NYC right now we got these Citibikes popping off like crazy. For those who don’t know, they’re rental bikes that allow people to basically travel from point A to Point B and that’s it. That’s cool and all as it cuts down on car usage but , from the looks of it, those bikes must weigh 400 pounds each cause I am yet to see someone riding one that doesn’t look like they’re going up a hill on a 30 degree angle. Shit looks brutal.

What’s with rappers, underground usually but it can go anyway, often not putting their lyrics out? I understand that printing a booklet for a CD would cost more money, but why not put them out on the internet? Sometimes it’s hard for fans to decipher every word a musician says, so we can’t always write them out ourselves. I myself like having a printout of the lyrics in front of me when I’m trying to figure out the meaning of a complicated rap song. I know fans aren’t obligated to having written lyrics given to us, but I just don’t understand why the musician won’t put them out in the first place, because (in my opinion) it’s really not too much effort.

So, what do you think? Just laziness or some other reason?

Transcribing a whole album is a tedious project for any rapper. Especially for the more verbose mc’s out there who are the ones people might want to get the lyrics from in the first place. It’s not like the streets are begging Rick Ross for his lyric book. I actually think transcribing lyrics is something so few people in rap do that many rappers don’t even think about it. So, it’s not so much laziness as it is just not a standard practice of rap music in general. It should also be added that, with the way cd sales are doing, there isn’t much incentive to do extra work on a physical cd fold out that like only a few hundred people are gonna read anyway. I would say, as a fan, you should expect to not get those lyrics but be extra appreciative when you do cause that artist really wanted you to see his words.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1909348/ You ever see HBO’s Talking Funny? (Louis CK/Chris Rock/Jerry Seinfeld/Ricky Gervais). I’m interested in seeing more groups of 4 talking like this… kind of “the view” but with men. But do you think that many dudes talking at once can work? Either audio podcast style or filmed live? Or do guys tend to talk over each other too much these days for it to be effective?

I have seen it and I loved it. I’m fascinated by comedians just shooting the shit though so I was definitely the target audience for that kind of show.
I’m pretty sure shows with men like this exist already. Sports shows, comedy shows and podcasts. If women can have shows where four of them squawk at each other for an hour (I mean, have you seen the fucking View?!?!) surely four dudes can pull it together and not have a show that turns into an hour long argument and chest beating contest. I would hope the people would be professionals.
This was a weird question in general though as, you know, that thing exists and has existed for quite some time now.

After reading your blog for a while, I’ve occasionally seen you mention things about your girlfriend. I’m curious, how exactly did you meet her?

I ordered her from a serbian dating site. It only cost me one horse and the rights to name my first born son.
Just kidding.
I’m not gonna go into personal details but here’s an abridged version:
I met my girl when I was out Djing. I used to do this bi-weekly party in the east village. She had a friend who was a fan of mine and they would sometimes come after work and get shit faced on a wednesday. One night, it was particularly slow. I was djing and my friend “Jackie gold” was there with me. There were only a few people left in the bar and it was fairly late but these two girls were just dancing to everything I was playing. My boy Jackie went up and spoke to them, just kinda shootinng the shit for a little bit. At some point, he told them about a halloween party I was going to be djing. Turns out, one of the girls (my future GF) had a birthday around that time and decided to have her b-day party there. My time line is a little shaky (this was over 6 years ago) but I think she hit me up on myspace (like i said, it was a long time ago) just to thank me for letting her party join with mine. That opened a dialogue that would eventually lead to use writing back and forth on Myspace on a regular basis. Tons of detailed and long winded interactions over a pretty long period of time. I still had only met her in passing at this point. So, she came to the halloween party and at the end we chatted. After that, the myspace interaction picked up speed. I definitely was into her but there was also some looming boyfriend/ex-boyfirend situation going on so things went pretty slowly. She finally broke up with whoever she was seeing and we went on some dates. Like, real old fashioned nerd style. I don’t think we even made out much on them. We’d see movies together and act awkward. To be honest, cause I liked her, I wasn’t really trying to rush things cause I had a feeling that, once things did get serious, she would probably be my girlfriend and that would be the end game of it all. I had been single for like 5 years at that point so it as certainly an idea I had to ease into. Not to mention , she was pretty freshly out of a relationship so I wasn’t trying to rush her into anything. So, to skip a head a few month, time passed, we got our AIDS tests and now we’ve been living together for 3 years (dating for over 6 years though). But, it is crazy to think that Myspace definitely facilitated the beginnings of my entire relationship. Dreams do come true guys!

Answers for questions vol. 143


Whattup. It’s hot as hell in NYc right now so I’m heading out west for a a little bit on wednesday. Not cause I’m glamorous and can just afford vacations like that but cause I got some shows. I’m playing in S.F. on thursday at Mighty and then playing a day set at the lightning in a bottle festival on friday. If you’re around those places, come see your boy.
Anywho, if you got questions for me, I’m always down to hear them. Weird ones, Short ones. Phat ones. Long ones. Send them my way: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below.
It’s always a good time, guys.

I’m a total hip-hop head, always have been, and 90s hip-hop has always been the holy grail for me. Tons of song that climbed the charts were favorites of mine back in the day. As time progresses, mainstream hip-hop doesn’t fit my taste for the most part and so I mainly listen to music on independent labels, etc, stuff you would never hear on the radio. My question is, what do you predict the future of hip-hop to look like (or the future of music in general)? As mentioned above, there is a lot of “overproduction” that happens and those same annoying bitches that say “amazeballs” are the ones posting Lil Wayne lyrics as their Twitter updates. You also mentioned how good artists get watered down by major labels. It seems to me that the 90s are untouchable and it’s only downhill from here. What do you think?

My biggest hope for hip hop is that this discussion of “where is hip hop gonna go?” will eventually end. The problem with holding onto the old values of classic hip hop is that they don’t fit into how music is made anymore. I’m an old school head. I grew up on hip hop in the late 80’s and early 90’s. I also grew up using pay phones and going to the library when I needed information. Things change. Music will never stop. Will there be shitty rap coming out? Of course. But guess what? There was shitty rap coming out back then too. You think Kid N’ Play didn’t suck? They did.
The main difference now is that there is just WAY more music and it’s endlessly easier to put it out/find it/create it.
In the internet age, the battle between major and Indie label rap is over. They both lost. Selling music isn’t making most artists any money anymore. And the people who are? Look at a dude like Macklemore. He’s an indie artist who indie music fans probably hate. He just happened to blow up and remain on an indie so now he’s a millionaire. The divide between the strata of music doesn’t really exist outside of what gets played on the radio. While that’s unfortunate, luckily, most people find their music on the internet anyway. You think Mac Miller ever had a song in heavy rotation on a major radio station? Probably not. But he’ll sell out every show he does this year.
So, my prediction for the future of hip hop is that it will remain hip hop. Good and bad artists will continue to make music that people both loath and love. A few extra terrible artists will catch the right trend waves and become famous while a few great artists will get plucked from obscurity and become blog darlings, which will lead to them having successful careers. Everything in between those two things will continue to range from inoffensive and mediocre to interesting and enjoyable.
By the way, I totally just read that entire last paragraph in a crystal ball. So, i feel pretty confidant in my answer.

Question: I know you dropped out, but are there any interesting college stories you’d like to share?

I honestly don’t have many stories cause I was only there for a year. Things that pop into my mind:
1)Walking back to my dorm after a party one night, a car of frat dudes drove by a yelled “Hey Faggots!” at my roommate and I. I dunno why but there was something so funny to us about those guys doing that with such vitriol towards two random dudes walking on a street together. It’s not like we were holding hands or kissing. It also led to a joke that would evolve into us yelling “Dykes!” at groups of men on their way to the club when we drove by them in a cab. The confusion alone was priceless.
2)I had a booger wall. I was disgusting. I would wipe my horrific boogers over the entrance to our room. So, if you looked up, it was a collage of greens, yellows and reds. It was truly awful. The funny thing is, no one noticed it. EVER. I have clear memories of girls standing in my doorway, flirting while a foot above there head was something so disgusting it would make their vaginas implode if they saw it.
3)My freshman year in college was a year of missed sexual opportunities that still haunt me to this day. I met tons of girls and had plenty of options. Blew it with pretty much every one of them simply by being a pussy. There was this one girl on my floor in my dorm who I legit liked. She liked me. We could ahve spent the last semester in a bed learning things about each other but no…It would have been as easy as getting drunk and just going for it…but I never did. Until the literal last day of school, we made out. But, even that was a struggle (she pretty much had to attack me). I have no clue what was wrong with me (I was shook, obviously) but…man, thinking about it now makes me wish I could go back to college again and have so much sex I’d die of unchecked STD’s before I graduated.
4)I got a 27% on a science final that was multiple choice. I was never a person who studied.I can honestly say , in my entire life, I don’t think I studied for more than 5 minutes for anything. I simply couldn’t focus that long on things I didn’t care about. So, the night before the final (that was at 8 am), I set out to really buckle down and try. I took a vivarin to stay awake. That was a bad idea. I was high as a motherfucker. I couldn’t even look at the page. Instead, I went to a floor in my dorm where all the asian girls lived and played minesweeper on one of their computers until dawn. I didn’t go to bed at all. I walked to the classroom like a zombie and took a test that I would have failed anyway on no sleep while truly not giving a fuck. I actually hung the test on my dorm room fridge. Looking back, I’m still pretty proud of that 27%. I bet if I took it again I couldn’t do that bad if I just randomly guessed the answers.

I passed out drunk once, while some people were over at my house. I woke up with the taste of hotdog in my mouth, and about 10 Polaroid pictures taped all over my body. Photographic evidence showed 2 high school girls with hotdogs hanging out of their zippers, taking turns slapping them on my forehead.

Here’s a lot of other stupid shit that might happen if you pass out at the party:


What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? Have you gotten off easy with the classic sharpie-wiener-forehead, or anything more creative?

I’ve never been a passer-outer. I will vomit way before that happens and after i vomit, I would go home. My body simply doesn’t allow it to happen.I think I also have a keen survival sense that removes me from any possible situation like that before it happens. So I’ve literally never been the victim of one of these pranks. I have given a few though. Mostly harmless drawing of dicks on peoples faces with sharpies or piling as much shit on them as possible. I really do wish things like vine and instagram were around when I was a teenager cause there would have been some epic pics of these type of things floating around the internet right now. Instead, they’re just sitting in someone’s dusty old photo albums.

i gotta question, most and least financially lucrative thing youve done? most and least critically acclaimed thing youve ever done? most satisfying?

Financially Lucrative: Working with Aesop. I still get checks for that every now and then. It was also because those early records were made back when people still bought cd’s. So there was money to be made on the back end. Outside of that, I’ve had a few lucrative licensing deals. One with a video game and another with a Bing.com commercial.

Most critically acclaimed: Probably my first solo album. It was pretty much loved across the board (except for Pitchfork.com).

Least critically acclaimed: Party Fun action Committee by a landslide. If you don’t know, that’s the comedy record I did with my buddy jer on Def Jux.

Most Satisfying: Party Fun action Committee.
Yup. I think I say this because , more than anything, I’m not a serious guy. I , for some reason, tend to make serious music but the PFAC album was the best reflection on what I’m actually like as a person. It was both the most satisfying and most difficult thing I’ve ever worked on.

Hey man! Been a fan of yours for a minute. Old co-worker turned me on to your music. I had heard Uncle Tom’s Coloring Book before, but never gave your music a full chance until Kendall (co-worker) was playing some of Downtown Science while we were working at one of my bars before I moved down to the Whale’s Vagina.

I moved down to pursue dance. Initially, it was to go to school and eventually teach at a University. Then it was for a career, and now I’m in flux. Either way, dance will be how I make a living. Just when and how is the flux part.

I guess my question was, if you had the chance, would you ever try and make an album that ties itself visually with dance and set an entire show based around the idea that you and said dancer(s) came up with?

I’m not pitching anything because I’m not where I need to be body-wise to be able to take on something like that. Yet. I move to music every day and to be able to collaborate with a musician eventually will be a huge accomplishment for me. Just thought I’d see if I could get an initial response and read what your reaction would be.

I can’t see myself doing that. I simply don’t have the time for a side project of that magnitude. That’s like making an entire new album but set to visuals.Sounds more like a job for a composer, not a beat maker. Also, While I don’t dislike dance, I’m also not particularly involved in it either. There’s nothing really drawing me to that kind of project.

Does the way girls dress matter to guys? Do guys really pay attention to that? I’m 19, in college and at the moment all I wear are music related t-shirts, jeans and sneakers lol I always think about how I should try to dress more girly but I know that time will come where i’ll start wearing heels and all that dressy clothes type of stuff. What do you think/feel about the ways girl dress?

To be perfectly honest, I think it depends on the girl. A hot girl is gonna be hot no matter what. Girls tend to put a lot of stake into their cloths and accessories. While men do appreciate a girl in a nice dress with her hair and make up done, let’s not kid ourselves. The same dudes will gladly hit on some girl in jeans and a t-shirt.
I think how you dress might dictate who you attract though. So, if you wanna reel in a certain kinda dude, then there are ways to dress. If you’re looking for low key guys who like music and “chilling” then I’d say you’re dressing how you need to dress. If you’re looking for dudes who are older , have decent jobs and make money, then it might be time to change the game up. But, like you said, you’re 19 so I think you’re dressing in what’s comfortable and age appropriate.
This may suck to hear but never forget being hot will always override fashion. You take a homely girl and dress her up all fancy, she still just a dressed up homely girl. It’s always funny to me when an obviously cheesy but hot girl will walk by. Girls will scowl at her and judge while every dude from every walk of life will look at her like “yup, i’d hit it”. It’s the nature of the beast, I suppose.

My neighbor: Livin’ la vida Loca

If you follow my twitter or facebook account , you’ve probably seen me complain about my next door neighbor. I often tell tales (in 140 characters of less) of the constant barrage of loud music coming from the other side of my bedroom wall. I figure it might be fun to take a deeper look into this and really give you guys the full picture of what I’m dealing with over here.
So, I moved into the building I currently live in over ten years ago. For the most part, I pretty much keep to myself. I say hi to everyone in the hallway and I’m always cordial (I’ll hold a door for a bitch, no question bro) but I’m not exactly trying to buddy up with anyone in my building. Which is fine cause it would appear the feelings are mutual. As long as I’ve been here, I really have only had frequent interactions with two different people. My upstairs neighbor ,who is very social and actively in peoples business. I don’t even mean that in a bad way. He’s just kinda like the self appointed mayor of the building. He knows everyone and also knows what’s going on constantly. If I need info on who’s moving in or out of the building or what store is opening up next door, he’s the guy. So, while he’s a little bit nosey, he’s a good guy. No issues with him. My next door neighbor is a retired fire marshall (I think…he might have just been a fireman). He’s very much an “old new yorker”. He talks with the accent and has that nature that reminds me of the people who used to work in butcher shops on Bleeker street when I was a kid. To me, it’s a very familiar and comforting disposition. Unlike my upstairs neighbor, he was pretty much a ghost in the building…until about 5 years ago.
Five years ago. That’s when I started to notice a lot of extra traffic in the hallways scurrying by my door. Mornings, daytime, late night. I’d often come home from a night out and run into what would appear to be 6 foot tall women with terrible make up jobs in my buildings hallway. Oh wait…those aren’t women.
Turns out, my quiet neighbor had a taste for cross dressers. Not just any cross dressers. He had a type. Mostly it was black and latino dudes. This came as a shock to me cause, up until that point, I thought he had a wife/girlfriend. But, turns out he didn’t. Whatever the case, it wasn’t a big deal. I wasn’t bothered by it and the guy was entitled to enjoy his life whatever way he pleased. It was more a funny side note of “Did you know my neighbor bones drag queens?”. This behavior continued for the next few years as it appeared my neighbor was coming into his own as a gay man. I don’t know if he hadn’t been out before but there was a definitive upswing in his openness about it. Good for him.

Flash forward to about 2 years ago and I get a knock on my door. It’s my neighbor, adorned in a way too small silk robe , his chest peaking out and his deeply white thighs also making their presence known. He informs me that a friend of his is moving in with him. We both have duplexes and his new roommate would be getting free reign of the bottom floor (the room on the other side of the wall of where my girlfriend and I sleep AKA my bedroom AKA my studio). He also tells me that if he’s too noisy or anything like that, let him know and it will be taken care of. Okay. I didn’t think much about beyond “Oh, hey, my neighbor has a new boyfriend. “. But , soon, I’d realize that this was not just a new relationship being taken to the next level. This wasn’t you typical “people moving in together” situation.

From that day on, I’d see his new man in the halls. He was a young bow legged latino guy. Maybe 22 or so. He looks like one of madonna’s dancers from the late 90’s. From what I understand, he was/is a dancer. But one thing is for sure, this motherfucker LOVES music. How do I know this? Cause from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed, music is blasting. Always. Now, this is annoying on many levels. I’ve had neighbors like this before. I’ve also been the loud music neighbor. But in all those cases, there have been some limits. With this guy, it’s not only a constant flood of music, but it’s a constant flood of very particular music. Much like his older boyfriend, he’s got his taste. And it spans far and wide from 3 different Rihanna songs to the song “girls gone wild” by madonna to a Britney spears live concert.

That’s it. That’s all he listens to. For the last 2 fucking years. Sure, occasionally he’ll spice it up with some salsa music and he went through a brief Lady Gaga stage but, for the most part, it’s steadily been those specific songs for the entire time he’s lived there. And not just sporadic plays. I’m talking repeated plays , back to back of the same song for hours on end. Did I mention he sings along? You haven’t lived until you’ve heard a Dominican cross dresser sing “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman” off key at the top of his lungs. There are feelings and emotions possessed in that performance that I will never reach in my wildest dreams.
Every hear Britney spears rendition of “I love rock and roll”? I have. Performed through a brick wall, 15 times a day for 2 years. Feel me?

Whenever I tell people about this, their immediate reaction is “have you complained?”. Of course I have. After a few incidents of 6am music blasting , new rules were made. No music before 11am or after 11 pm. This held up for a few weeks until the parties picked up again. But this has been a constant back and forth. I complain, the noise stops for a few weeks , then it starts again. Such is the cycle of life, my friends. One thing I should point out is that my neighbor (the older guy, not the kid) is nothing if not accommodating. He’s not deaf and is always willing to tell his roommate to shut the fuck up. In fact, it goes beyond that. After Hurricane Sandy, the buildings communal backyard was a mess. I was back there moving some shit around when my neighbor popped out (silk robe in full effect). He asked that ,if i needed any help he could get his “wetback boyfriend” to come do some work. Umm…okay. That’s when I started to realize that this living arrangement was not on equal ground to , say, what happened when my girlfriend moved in. Pretty sure the the young madonna dancer didn’t get to do any redecorating. These two were not taking trips to Ikea together . They were not as much a couple as they were an agreement This living situation was dependent on two things.
1)That young Madonna stays downstairs
2)Sexual favors are exchanged.
In fact, it’s safe to say it’s an open relationship. How do I know? Probably by the constant flood of loud gay latino men , who spend various nights hooting and hollering next door. Inevitably, the hooting and hollering will simmer down and all of a sudden, thinks get a little more greek up in there.
Listen. Couples have sex. It’s natural. I know this. Also, non-couples have sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these two consenting adults enjoying each others company in a romantic manner. I just sorta wish I didn’t have to hear it. As it all takes place on the other side of my bedroom wall, I’m party to a pretty consistent and unsettling sex life between a man in his mid 60’s and his little “wetback boyfriend”. At any given moment , on any given day, I will hear the sounds of love being made. This love, however, has it’s own very particular sounds. Deep guttural moans, slapping (not sure if that’s hands or thighs colliding or both), and a soft latino whimper of “aye. Aye. AYE!!!”. Occasionally, it will simply be a head session and then I get to hear what it sounds like when a dude with a thick brooklyn accent gets orally pleased. Guess what? it sounds exactly what you might think it sounds like: UNNERVING. Unlike the music, I really can’t complain about this. It’s none of my business and it’s what couples do. But…goddamn…that shit is ROUGH to have to try to sleep though.

I recently have started combating all this noise with noise of my own. In classic passive aggressive white guy style, I’ve taken to blasting loud gangster rap right back whenever this dudes music starts blasting and , you know what? It works. No clue why but it seems whenever my music goes on, his goes off. Who knew? So, as the summer approaches and I prepare for whatever that may have in store for my neighbor and his many different sounds, things are actually looking up. Who knows? Perhaps by august they’ll be tired of fucking each other like most old couples and life will go back to normal. One can only dream…

Epilogue 5/2/14
Well, it’s almost a year to the day since I wrote this and a beautiful thing has happened. A week or two ago, my girlfriend commented “I haven’t heard our friend in a while…”. She was right. No blasting Rihanna songs, not feet clopping around and not guttural sex sounds that make balls jump back into my stomach. Nothing. It would appear his time has passed. I don’t know where he went, I don’t know why he left but he’s gone. He’s out of here and I could not be happier. So, Bon Voyage, you fucking asshole. It was fun (for you) while it lasted. I can only hope the next lonely old man you grift a home out of will be as kind and well…absent as my neighbor was. In his honer, I will dim the lights in my apartment and blast MAdonna’s “girls gone wild” by candlelight tonight. Goodbye, sweet prince.

Answers for questions Vol. 131

What up ladies and gentleman? Now that your heart has been eviscerated by the photo above, you’re ready.
Back again with another mystical magical trip through the minds of my readers and the burning questions they have for me.
Side note: I was sick again last week. This past year has been full of colds and flus for me, as it seems I have the immune system of a premature baby. Whatever it is, it fucking sucks and I’d like it to stop.
Anyway, if you have any questions you’d like to ask me, shoot them my way. Either email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. I’m an open book. Just don’t ask boring questions. That’s my only rule.
Okay…let’s get into it.

Has any man ever confessed to loving you, in that way? I mean someone in your life… not on the internet (totally guilty here), so…

Can’t say that’s happened. I’ve been hit on by guys numerous times but never has it gotten to the point where someone I knew well decided they wanted to test those waters. I think that , doing that, comes with confusion and a glimmer of light in the eyes of the suitor. I’ve had plenty of gay friends over the years but I have a feeling I’ve never really put out that vibe of someone who may or may not be gay. That , or they get to know me and think I’m disgusting. Both are highly possible.
There was this one guy who used to hang around my friends and I when we were in our early 20’s. He was an older gay dude who used to date Roger Maplethorpe (famous gay photographer). Anyway, this dude would get drunk and hang on occasion. At the end of most nights, once properly sloshed, he’s inevitably try and take one of my straight male friends home with him. While some would follow him via cocaine bait, 95% of the time, people would just roll there eyes and that would be that. I should add that, as far as I know, the people who did follow him home to do coke never hooked up with him. They’d just blow lines at his crib and he’d put on porn (i guess that’s how you bag a straight dude?) but nothing would come of it. Though, I wouldn’t be shocked if he got a sneaky blow job off once or twice but that’s a whole different discussion.
Anyway, that dude hit on EVERYONE. Everyone, except me. In a way, I was kinda offended cause, you know, I was a handsome , fresh faced young man. Surely a drunk gay dude would have me?! I mean, he tried to fuck the full spectrum of my male friends to no avail and never even bothered with me. I mean, I appreciated it but I did always find myself thinking “Man, if I can’t get hit on by a drunk gay dude, what chance do I have with girls??” One time, I asked him why and he said “Cause you’re obviously not gay. You friends are all half a fag as far as I’m concerned”. Well…ok. Peace to that dude though. He was hilarious.

do you have any kind of neuroses, we should know about? (e.g. arachnophobia, acrophobia or washing your hands thirty times a day)
what is your attitude towards life in general, do you think you are a more positive or negative person?

Hmm…I feel like I’m slightly O.C.D. but nothing that anyone would ever notice without knowing me VERY VERY well. Though, partially, I think that comes from me not having a normal job and trying to create a schedule for myself. Like I have a definite set pattern of how I like to do things from when I wake up to when I eat my lunch that, if disrupted, annoys the shit out of me. But, I don’t know if I’d call that a “neuroses” though.
As for my attitude towards life, I’d like to think I’m extremely rational and never too high or too low. In fact, I’ve been called a robot , in that sense, by many people. I simply don’t get too angry or too happy about anything. I’d call that being even keeled , another may call it being “emotionally dead inside”. Apples and oranges.
I’m definitively not an optimist but I also don’t sit around thinking of all the bad things that could happen. I more just expect mediocracy at all times. That way, I’m never to disappointed when things go poorly but I get a pleasant surprise every now and then when things go well. I’d say it’s this mind set that has kept me in the field I’ve been in for as long as I’ve been in it. Side note to budding artists of all types: Prepare for constant disappointment. If you can’t handle that shit,
this is not the business for you.

How do you feel about The Birdman being on the heat? It seems like people that go by “The Birdman” just flock to that team.
First off, NEVER FORGET:

I fucking love the Birdman so it was kind of a bummer to see him join the Heat. But, at the same time, I can’t really fault the guy for going to where he’s gonna win a title. He’s played in the league long enough and been through enough shit that he can do that. In a way, considering how money driven everyone is now, there’s part of me that kinda likes when players take pay cuts to play with a team. Granted, it’s flagrantly hunting down championship rings. All that said, the Knicks could really use that motherfucker right now…

you are chosen to equip an unmanned spacecraft, that will be sent out to inform extraterrestrials about life on earth. which three objects would you choose
to describe mankind? which song would you choose?

First off, the song would have to be the theme from “Close encounters”, right?

Simply cause that would be hilarious to actually do. And I’m not about to be the asshole that picks some shit like “Thriller” or “Let’s get it started in here” to greet a bunch of aliens who probably makes music with crazy tubed instruments that are seemingly always wet (that’s just how I imagine alien instruments)
As for the three object, that’s tough. If we’re trying to teach them about life on earth as it is now, I guess you’d send them an I-pad, a 32 oz. soft drink and a gun. That about covers it.

Have you ever been stuck in a shitty situation that you felt there was no way out of? Like after going through your options you came to the conclusion that it was just your lot in life to be miserable indefinitely?

I’ve been on the verge of those situations but I can’t say I’ve ever been in one. To be honest, most of the ones I’ve been in have been related to dealing with girls so, in actuality, they weren’t that big a deal. So, it sounds to me like you’re fucked…but I can say that , 99% of the time, there is a way out of the shit. I think once you accept you gotta crawl through some shit to get out of it, doors will open up. Unless you’re in jail for life, you’ve always got options.

Yo Block, if you had small children of your own that were acting up in a public place like a restaurant or grocery store, how would you discipline them?

Obviously , I’d beat them death right there on the spot. PROBLEM SOLVED.
Nah, I have no idea. I don’t have kids and have never taken care of other peoples kids in my life. I could spew all sorts of ideals of how I’d discipline my children to you but, like i said, I have no idea what I’d do. I’m a fairly passive guy who doesn’t get mad easily but I also have a short fuse for annoyance when it comes to people acting like assholes in public. So, I could imagine my plan of attack would be to simply remove us all from the equation. I don’t mean a group suicide. I mean, literally, get out. My kids are acting up in a restaurant? Pay the bill and bounce. Anything to just lessen the burden on the people around me. Once we’d be out of that situation, then I suppose it would be time to discipline them. But, like I said, this is all theoretical. I have no idea what I’d actually do. Also, kids are the worst.

I was wondering what your opinion on the TV Show ‘Girls’ is? Is it a
programme about self entitled 20 somethings? Or do you think Lena
Dunham is on to something?

I sit somewhere in the middle. I watch it and find it entertaining. I also find it pretty heavily flawed. I actually think this second season was a bit of a regression cause Dunham seemed to be so focused on herself that lots of the better characters fell to the side.
One of the common criticisms of the show is “but I hate all the characters”. To me, that’s why it’s good. These are excellently portrayed entitled , self involved girls in their early 20’s. They’re unlikable cause, in reality, the girls they’re representing suck. So, in that sense, I give Dunham major props for nailing that demographic.
The other major criticism is that Dunham needs to put some clothes on. Again, in the first season, she made her point. I got it. We all got it. This season she seemed hell bent on just grossing people out. Every outfit she chose seemed more and more baffling. Like any insecure girl of her size would EVER wear an entire wardrobe that makes her look like a a wet grocery bag filled with marbles. It was just over the top, in my opinion. I get why she did it/does it but there isn’t a person who watched that show that didn’t turn away from the camera multiple times during each episode cause she felt it necessary to show her already hamburgler like physique in it’s most unflattering form. I respect her want to challenge social norms and all but , this season, she seemed obsessed with it.
i think the show has many good things about it and could be great if she could just find a way to not bring her ego and agendas into it. She’s a talented writer. I imagine she’ll grow up a little with every coming season and that can only be a good thing.

Notes from the road: Euro edition

european vacation
So, Last week I did a bunch of shows in europe. As an ignorant american, these trips are always an experience for me. I’m a man of convenience and regiment so going out of the country to mystical far off lands definitely removes me from my comfort zone. While , in the overall scheme of things, this is a positive thing for my life, it’s still fun to keep tabs of my fish out of water experiences. So, this is that. Keep in mind, I’m openly not cultured. I mean, I’m cultured in the sense I grew up in NYC and have seen a lot of shit all over the world but I don’t know anything about anything. College drop out like Whoa. So, take all i say here with a grain of salt and understand it’s coming from a good place…well…at least an honest place.

Teen tours
My trip began with a flight to Germany. These long flights are what they are but you know what kicks them up a notch? being on an 8 hour flight with 50 midwestern teenagers. Holy shit. After this ride, I felt an urge to make an earnest plea to all people my age with no kids to continue to not have kids. Teenagers are the fucking worst. I had on headphones the entire time but it still didn’t stop me from overhearing multiple conversation that would make a fertile man forcefully remove his own testicles. What i did find interesting was to admire the high school caste system at work. The dorks, the jocks, the pretty girls, the art people. That kinda shit is fascinating. If i was a slightly more driven person I’d maybe look into studying that kinda thing but, then again, it means I’d have to be around a bunch of teenagers all the time and fuck all that noise.

German street names
Honestly, a german person telling me a street name might as well be telling me to read japanese. What’s with all the letters? Why does every street in berlin have to be a 2000 point scrabble word waiting to happen? There are only so many “Miester”, “hufffflughen” and “flurgan” suffixed names one can commit to memory. Walking around a German town , i felt very much how native american settlers must have felt in the sense that my whole way of getting around was based on sight. The same way I’d imagine an indian remembering a certain bush or tree as a marker, I was like that with bakeries and Kabab stands.

Euro people know their history
I don’t know shit about history. I took it in high school and immediately forgot about it once the test was taken. It’s clear that, in the US, knowing our history is not a top priority in education. Whether this is simply national apathy or cause our history is so , in actuality, fucked up that they don’t wan’t us to know how all this really came to be, remains to be seen.
In europe though? These people know their shit. not only that, but they talk about it…all the fucking time. Like , at bars. People get drunk and discuss history. Really makes me feel like a half wit when i consider what topics i cover with friends on any given night out. Best believe world war 1 is not on the menu.
I was in Vienna for 3 days and a common point of discussion was “Nobody here like to talk about our past cause there is so much shame about the nazis” but then that’s all we talked about. Being the ignorant person I am, I barely even connected Vienna with Nazi history outside of Hitler being Austrian but, boy did I get my learn on. Then…I forgot it all…cause I’m american and that’s what we do.

Everyone knows that , in europe, tipping is minor. 2 euro’s at most for anything. This could be for a 200 euro meal or a drink at a bar. It’s kinda nice actually cause figuring out a tip in the states can be tiresome and it always drains your wallet. That said, that whole thing where europeans come to the states and “don’t know” how to tip is bullshit. I got to europe, I knew the customs were different. But instead of just tipping like an american, I asked people…cause that’s what you do when you’re in a place where you don’t know things. So, if you’re a european and you think that it’s okay to come here and tip 2 bucks on a $100 meal, you’re a piece of shit. Just accept that.

Limp Handshakes
Do children in europe (specifically in places like Germany, Austria and Switzerland) not get taught about firm handshakes? It’s bizarre. On multiple occasions, I’d reach out to shake a dudes hand and feel like someone places a dead fish in my palm. A grip so weak it compels me to squeeze harder. The strange thing is that the girls actually give firmer handshakes then the men. Which leads me to…

Things I heard about men from Vienna
I was talking to this girl from the US who had lived in Vienna for 5 years. She was complaining about single life in austria and how hard it is to find a dude there that isn’t…well..a total pussy. This is fine and all as I’m no stranger to bitter women who can’t find a decent guy. That’s a world wide trend. But she started dropping bombs on Viennese men in particular. The best one of all? Dudes from Vienna sit down to pee. Now, this could obviously be bullshit or simply a slight generalization. But her claim was that the men there are raised by particularly feminist minded mothers. Mothers who teach them “No, you sit down when you pee. Just like me”. While i get that being a taught practice, the fact it continues into adulthood for these guys is both hilarious and wildly depressing. Take a stand guys! literally. Your dicks like a hose for reason. Just remember to put the seat up.

Romanian Airplane food
just a heads up, if you’re on a place , flying to romania, you might wanna eat before hand. Halfway through the flight I was handed a foil plate of old ass cheese, unknown meat products and wilted vegetables as my “lunch”. They also had a “cake”. A “cake” that they somehow managed to fuck up. How do you fuck up cake? It was a simple chocolate cake with frosting but it tasted more like dog food that had been run through a homeless mans lower intestine.

My preconceived notions of who likes and dislikes each other is way off
My girlfriend is Serbian/Bosnian so I’m more aware of the weird beefs between former Yugoslavian countries than I should be. Because of this, when I was in Slovenia, I kinda assumed that even saying the word “serbia” might be a bad move. Well, turns out no one gives a shit. At least no one I spoke to. That kinda surprised me cause , earlier in the week, I had seen news updates about a pending soccer game between Croatia and Serbia that was a riot waiting to happen. They apparently had like 1,500 extra security guards there to keep the peace. Granted, I was nowhere near either of those places but i kinda assumed the other countries might take sides. I mean, if the yankees and red sox can’t get along, imagine how bad a place where legit conflict took place would be But, as far as I could tell, not a fuck is given either way in Slovenia. So, that’s nice.

Europeans who don’t speak fluent english are blunt.
It’s kinda great. The amount of conversations I had with people who were huge fans of mine but still found a way to tell me which of my albums sucked was incredible. I know they don’t mean anything bad by it and I’m never offended but it’s always hilarious. I suppose tact is something you pick up after years and years of perfecting a language. It’s was a constant barrage of well intentioned shots fired for me to endure. But, like I said, i actually kinda like that it’s like that.

Romanian women are surprising
So, I’ve been all over the Us and Europe. I’ve seen most major cities. I’ve been in model filled bars in NYC and clubs in Miami full of nothing but 9’s and 10’s.Montreal, Paris, L.a. ect…However, NO PLACE i’ve ever been had a higher percentage of beautiful women than my show in Cluj, Romania. This blew my mind for many reasons Firstly, I had no idea Romanian women had it like that. For some reason i was imagining uni-browed , middle aged looking house cleaning types with faces littered with hairy moles. No clue where that stereotype came from but , hey, it was there. Secondly, this was at my show. A weird, underground, niche instrumental hip hop artist. If that’s what my show was like, I can’t even fathom what a place where actual hot people go to would be like. Like, what’s the most exclusive high end club in Cluj looking like? I’d imagine It’s enough to make a dude consider just throwing his life away and moving to Romania for a year. The craziest thing about it was the variety. You had the expected beautiful eastern european girls with dark hair, you had hot ass blonde girls and then, outta nowhere you had some Lisa Bonet looking ladies who turned out to be part gypsy. Just fantastic.So, to all single men out there, you might wanna plan a trip. Just saying. I’d say the only downside of it all would be if you’re one of those creeps who only dates asian women. If that’s your bag then you might just wanna avoid most of Eastern Europe all together (russia got some asians though…). Also, you’re a loser creep.

Swiss people with their power outlets and money
For some reason, I forgot that Switzerland not only didn’t use the euro (Swiss francs) but they also have their own plugs for power outlets. This may not seem like a big deal but , considering EVERY other country in europe (aside from the UK) works with the same outlets, it’s mildly infuriating. Like i said earlier, I know nothing about history and I’m sure there is some sort of valid explanation but what gives, Switzerland? You too good for for regular european power outlets? Your power grid is soooooo fucking special you need to complicate things for every person that comes to your country? I mean, the whole “Not using the euro” thing is annoying considering your location but , at least, you’re not the only european country on that “I got my own type of currency” shit. But power outlets? Now you’re just being a dick.

Fuckin’ up the wake up call
This really has nothing to do with europe in particular. It’s a trend I’ve noticed with hotels who offer wake up calls (though it’s happened to me in europe more often). It’s that thing where they don’t give you a fucking wake up call that you asked for. My last night there, I had just done a show in Wil, Switzerland (I haven’t heard of it either , bro). I had to catch a train to Zurich to catch my plane. Basically, i had to be up a 6:45 AM after getting back from the venue at 3. I’m a terrible sleeper and , when it comes to having to wake up for things like this, I tend to opt for the allnighter simply because trying to fall asleep for an hour gives me anxiety. So, I told them to give me the wake up call the prior day. I shut my eyes for a second but never fully fell asleep. 6:45 rolls around and I’m awake. No call. 7 am. No call. I bounce five minutes after that but…jesus…if I had not pulled the allnighter I woulda missed my flight back to the states. They would have truly fucked my shit up. The crazy thing is that’s the third time this has happened to me and each time I eked it out cause I was too nervous to sleep over the possibility of missing a flight. So, my advice to all of you who ever plan on relying on hotel wake up calls…Don’t. Especially in Europe. Placing an order for a wake up call in europe is like asking a waiter to make sure your french fires are “Extra crispy”. He hears you but he’s not listening.

So, yeah, those are all my worthless musings on this trip. All these things aside, I had a great time and shows were awesome. Especially the Eastern Europe dates. I continue to sleep on these places and they continue to blow me away with support and just genuinely good people. So, yeah…hopefully I’ll be out there again real soon. Till then, stand up when you pee. Always.

Blockhead: The Rapper

Before I ever made a beat, I rapped. Around 7th/8th grade (I was 12 at the time), I started writing little raps. Obviously, they were atrocious but it was something I eventually fell deeply into. As my obsession with rap grew, so did my books of rhymes. In my early teens, I would write page long verses (that’s how I knew the verse was done) on random looseleaf sheets of paper. I had a drawer by my bed filled with these rhymes. None of them meant more to me than the others. They were simply a collection. Around 14, I started hanging out with an older dude (pause) who was an aspiring rapper. He worked at this nearby toy store and he and I would exchange tapes. I’d record Stretch and Bobbito’s radio show and make him dubs while he’d put me on to whatever new albums were hot in the streets. Like I said, he was an aspiring rapper. While I was never particularly good at any facet of rapping, the one thing I could do was write a punchline. That was my style. I was like an overly complicated Lord finesse (in my mind). So, every now and then, I’d write some lines for my older rapping friend. I’d also occasionally give him samples to make beats from before I knew how to make a beat. This thin version of “Ghost Writing” was my introduction into rapping.

For all the rhymes I had written, I hadn’t recorded anything. I had barely practiced the rhymes. It was more of a situation where I’d write the verse and forget about it. When I was 16, that changed as I met a group of dudes who’d I eventually form a “group” with. These were three guys from downtown Manhattan like myself who were also obsessed with hip hop on an embarrassing level. Once I chilled with them and our similar obsessions were established, they told me that they rent studios out and freestyle over live instruments. They all played instruments so they would basically just bring a bass, a guitar and some drums to a studio space and fuck around. The invited me to come rhyme with them and ,from there, we eventually formed a group we called “The Overground”. It was me, Dub-L (he produced the majority of Aesop’s “Music for earthworms”) , Jer (the other half of Party Fun action Committee with me as well as currently “Sir Jarlsberg”) and Niles AKA Mr. Roper (who made the wise choice of quitting this music shit a long time ago). We were four white dorks from downtown manhattan who kinda saw ourselves as a white, east coast Souls of Mischief which, in hindsight, is fucking hilariously bold on our parts. Here’s some caricatures of us from that time drawn by Niles AKA Mr. Roper AKA “And Friend”-

We made our 5 song first demo in my moms basement on a shitty 4 track over terrible homemade beats using the cheapest of synth sounds we could find and Dr. Sample drum machine. It was one of those things that, when we finished it, we were super proud of it. So proud, that upon seeing Bobitto at a bar one night, Dub-L handed out first demo to him with no fear. Here’s the thing though…it was literally some of the worst rap music ever made. Aside from the sloppy tracks, it was a chorus of four horrible voiced white dudes rapping off beat about their dicks. It’s one of those things I can’t even bring myself to listen to this very day. I don’t even have a digital copy of it and I’m glad cause I’d feel like I’d have to post a song up just to give you an idea of how bad it really was. I’ve often just imagined what Bobitto must have thought on the off chance he actually listened to that cassette. Did he share with his friends and laugh endlessly or did he simply just roll his eyes and toss it int he garbage. I hope it was the latter.

That first demo was a learning experience. After the glow of simply recording something wore off, it became clear to us that we needed to improve. We tinkered a bit and stated working on an official album. The title of that album ,”Downtown Bound”, was as corny as it sounds. However, by the time we had done it, we had tightened things up a little. Let’s not front…we still sucked but at least we had improved marginally. Dub-L had taken to making beats on fruity loops and it definitely helped out sonic direction greatly. It also didn’t hurt that we had our Boy Chase Phoenix join us on some tracks. He was a far more polished mc than any of us so I’d like to think he saved a few joints from being completely unlistenable.
In fact, here are some of his demo’s from the mid 90’s…definitely a slept on talent:
We finished the album and sold it online before the internet (with the help of longtime friend Stinke yameen) really was the internet. At this point it was 96. I forget where we promoted it but i do recall most of our orders coming from the Philippines. No clue about that. Overall, we sold maybe 100 of them. This prospect scares the shit out of me cause that means there are like 100 people out there who could upload this album online. In fact, on the off chance, I googled it and came across this…

It’s actually a fitting example of what we were doing. Rapping for the sake of rapping. Judge it with a grain of salt…after all, this is some mid 90’s shit.
Keep in mind, we did shows regularly. We’d have shows at this spot called “The Spiral” on East Houston Street that, at best, would be attended by like 30 people. Over the years of doing shows, somehow real rappers would often show up and rock with us. Dudes like Percee P and Tess One were fairly regular. Hell, one time, the Souls Of Mischief own Opio was at a show. David Blaine too. All that said, the shows were typically 3 or 4 of us on stage, standing in one spot, simply struggling to remember our verses in front of about 11 people who could care less. Ahh…those were the days.

After that, the group continued making songs but kinda went in different directions. I started making beats and Dub-l got signed to Sm(le records with his group “The controls”. But more than anything, we met Aesop. He might not even realize it but he was really the game changer in why I don’t rap anymore (which is a good thing). He was the first dude I had met who could REALLY rap. He could freestyle, he could write and his flow and voice were on some seriously next level shit. I think his emergence humbled all of us in a way but it was also just exciting to be around a talent like that. Between 97-99, I still rapped but much less than I did before. I started focusing on beats. Jer and I would occasionally make silly songs for fun that would eventually become the foundation for our “Party fun action Committee” album. In fact, as the recording of songs slowed down, we more focused on just freestyling. We’d record those too but through a boombox mic. To this day, those tapes are easily the peak of anything rap related I’ve ever done. They were silly, offensive and we were high as fuck all the time while doing them. I’d never subject a stranger to any of them but they’re the basis of endless inside jokes that still live to this day amongst the people involved.

So, I say all of this as a means to post these songs. There are all old demos featuring yours truly on the mic. Am I proud of them ? God no. But, in a way, this a nice way to silence anyone asking me “Why don’t you rap anymore?”.
Here’s a handfull of songs with some descriptions. All the beats are by me as well so this might give you a funny insight of what some of my earliest beats sounded like.
This is me at my rappiest. Normally, my songs were all just stupid punchlines and me attempting to flow in ways I was incapable. This was me just “going in” as much as i could. Keep in mind, this was made during the heyday or the shiny suit era. To underground purist assholes like myself, that was a huge issue. I’d imagine this song is a reaction to that whole thing.
Side note, I’ll never understand why I choose this beat as my solo song track. It sucks but, more so than that, it’s not like anything else i used to make back then. I’d just guess that I was listening to a lot of Company Flow and this ws my awful attempt at that.
2)Dutch (With Chase Phoenix)
This is a fun song. We did it in my basement on a whim. It was also the first time I used the “Kartlingdedor” kool keith sample I would eventually use on “Carnivores Unite”. This verse of mine was way more indicative of what I did as a rapper. Sloppily delivered punchlines served in a not-so-serious manner.
3)Chin Music
This one has a story to it. In 1999, I had planned to make a compilation album with various rappers rocking over my beats. I had an aesop song, an illogic song and a slug song. Sadly that’s all I could muster. So, as a last ditch effort to be a rapper, I made a song under a pseudonym “Beetlejuice”. The idea was that I’d throw this on the album and people would be like “who the fuck is that?”. I purposely used a different voice that ended up sounding like a wacker white Rock from Heltah Skeltah. Since the album never happened, I was left with this little mess of a song. One looooooong verse. I still contend this has a few awesome lines in it but the voice change is one of the more embarrassing things I’ve ever recorded.
4)Subtle Touches (Feat. Mr Roper)
This is one of the earliest songs where I rapped over my own beats. This must have been around 95/96. This one is pretty bad on all fronts. Still, that piano loop though…
5)Really Real- Da Dunz (Party fun action Committee Feat. Aesop)
This was made one night at my crib when Jer , aesop and I got inspired to make fun of thug rappers. I forget what spawned it but i do recall us leaving where ever we were to come home a make this song. This was in an era where everyone called each other “Dun” and Queensbridge thuggery was at an all time high. I’d guess it was 97 when we did this one. So, yeah, it’s kind alike a weird mixture of MOP, other screaming thugs and Aesop sounding almost identically to John Forte. This one was 100% a joke that, due to the changing times, may not have held up too well. Oh well. We had fun.

So, yeah, that’s me rapping. Now, please never ask me about it ever again.

Answers for questions vol. 117

Happy new ye….oh wait. Not yet. Well, perhaps you might read this and it will be 2013 so, have a good one. I hope you’re all making strong resolutions that you plan on keeping for , oh, at least 5 hours after waking up on January 1st. Might I suggest “Stop being an asshole on the internet”. That’s a good one.
Anyway , you got any questions you wanna ask your old friend, me? Well, go for it. Try and keep them interesting and send them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com OR leave them in the comments below.
Happy holidays to all and I’ll see you on the other side.

How do you live? What do you find meaning in? I play video games, eat, and work. I’m disgusted in myself. Do you find that the words of encouragement from others just roll down your back? As if you’re receiving them through a fog? Fuck, man.

I’m not a particularly spiritual man so I don’t exactly go out looking for meaning in things. I just live by the ancient asian proverb “Shit happens”. I’m also not a super hard critic on myself. I’m aware when i fuck up and I’m aware when I do good. But I don’t sit around under a black cloud hating myself or anything like that. I’ve always felt that’s a waste of time but, I realize me saying that is kinda like someone who isn’t an addict saying “Why don’t you just stop shooting heroin?” to a drug addict.

All that aside, this sounds more like a question for your shrink than me and a huge shout out for starting this weeks questions off hilariously. Great…now I’m disgusted in you too! (just kidding, bro. Keep your head up and try not wallow in self pity too much. Food and video games are fun.)

Hey Block,
Seeing as you are in Europe this week, this question is kinda relevant. What is your opinion on hip hop in foreign accents or different languages altogether? I’m an Australian and like a lot of Australian hip hop that is delivered with an Aussie accent, but often wonder what an American would think of it. In other languages, French hip hop sounds pretty cool, but German is pretty horrible. Most of the Asian languages hip hop I have heard is too weird for me to process (Gangnam Style aside of course).

I’ve answered variations of this question a few times but it doesn’t hurt to go back to it. I don’t fuck with non-amercian rappers. I mean, I’ve heard some decent UK mc’s over the years but it’s never been something I go back to. And rap in other languages serves me no purpose as I don’t speak those languages. I like to understand what the rapper is saying (is that not the point of listening to rap?). It has always boggled my mind when people who don’t speak english will listen to american rap. Especially when a fairly verbose rapper like Aceyalone would have a huge fanbase in Japan.I get they like the beats but why on earth would you want to listen to gibberish?
As for Australian accents in rap, it falls into the UK category. I’m sure there are some skilled mc’s out there, I just don’t see myself really giving them too hard a listen. I can barely listen to most american white rappers, let alone ones with a thick accent from the other side of the world.

i gotta question thats serious as cancer! whos your top 3 favorite pornstars? you gotta favorite site? you dont pay for it do you? do you remember porn before the internet? your girl into it? you ever date a girl whos not into it?

Porn talk!
figuring out my top three porn girls is hard cause that kinda thing changes all the time. and my list would be weird cause some of them, just looking at them, aren’t even that beautiful but I’ll be damned if they don’t know how to put on a show. So, some of my honorary favorites are Rachel Starr, Abella Anderson, and shout out to the super old MILF styles of Lisa Ann. She’s literally older than me. That’s staying power.
I don’t pay for porn and I don’t have one site I prefer. I just kinda bounce around to different ones on any given day. I kinda feel bad not paying for porn sometimes cause they’re dealing with a lot of the same shit we musicians are , as far as making money doing your job and no one ever buying it. And it’s worse for them cause I don’t have to blow dudes and take loads on my face at my job.
As for porn before the internet, of course I do. I like to think I’m not a disgusting anal obsessed, overly violent sexual low life because I came up in a time when porn wasn’t THAT readily available. back in the day, we had these things called VHS tapes. Someone would acquire one (either by actually buying it from a store, getting it handed down to you by an older sibling or finding it in a bag on the street). Over time, you’d accumulate a decent amount of these tapes and that’s when you’d trade with your friends. A good porn video tape would make the rounds for years. There are still scenes I clearly remember from that era cause I watched them so many times. Variety was not the spice of life like it is now. If you found a good scene that spoke to you, that would be your girlfriend for however long you had that tape.
My girl isn’t into porn but she also not one of those lunatics that think her man jerking off is like cheating on her. She understands it’s purpose and just sort of ignores it. I’ve never dated a girl who was heavy into porn. I mean, I’ve dated a few that liked it enough but never anyone who liked it as much as any normal dude I know. But that’s fine with me. Ideally, I’d like to keep watching porn as a solo thing.

Detroit themed question.
Do you think Detroit will ever re-live its past splendor? Is it sad to hope so?
+ should dead things stay dead?

Detroit is an ill city. It’s so fucked up that when people from there talk about it, it doesn’t even sound like a real place. I’ve always wondered how real that all was and how much was just sorta “keeping up appearences”. Having been there a few times, I can say it’s certainly no joke. It’s huge, desolate, and full of crime. However, I’ve heard that good things are happening there these days. Lots of those abandoned areas are being bought up and people are actually moving back into the city. The thing about detroit is that it’s got the makings of a great city, it’s just everyone’s broke as fuck and scared to live there. I do see it turning around though. I don’t know when or how but it can only go up from where it’s been. I’d also like to add that, much like people from baltimore , pittsburgh , Philly and some more rugged parts of ohio, people from detroit tend to be pretty fucking cool. There is something about growing up in a run down shithole of a city that not only gives people an edge and deep hometown pride but it also makes some really good people. The term “salt of the earth” gets thrown around a lot but I think it should apply to those type of people, not fat sacks of shit in some suburban Walmart in the middle of North Dakota.

Sup Block, got a question for you:

I know the NYC graff game is pretty crazy, do you know any writers (I don’t expect you to mention names), or have any interaction with that at all? Any thoughts on it even?

I knew all sorts or writers when i was younger. None of them were famous or even good at it but it was impossible not to in the early/mid 90’s in NYC. I never wrote personally cause I’m artistically handicapped but a bunch of my friends did. Writing graf in NYC was a big deal in the 90’s. A lot of the gang activity in NYC was based around graf writers and all the beefs between crews often spawned from someone crossing someone else out. Like most gang violence, I never really got the allure of wanting to fuck someone up over a tag but, hey, I might think differently had I been good at it.
My only real interaction with graffiti was being mistaken for someone who did write and getting punched in the face by a crew of children (a story I’ve told on here before) and getting stepped to by some fucking clown at my school cause I had been writing “Ol’e” on desks as a joke (I thought the idea of a tag with an apostrophe in it was hilarious). This dude wrote “Oli”. I didn’t know that nor care cause, like I said, I wasn’t a writer. It was all jokes to me. So, one day he stepped to me like “Yo, you write “Ol’e” (which made me literally laugh out loud cause hearing that sentence vocalized was amazing). I said “Well, yeah…but on desks at school. It’s a joke.” He responded with “well, Cut that shit out. I write “Oli” and it’s too close to my name…” I gave him the obligatory “okaaaaaaaay guy” and that was the end of my illustrious graffiti writing career.

Answers for questions vol. 113

Hello everyone. I’m back from a whirlwind trip to europe where I spent two days in europe and two full days traveling to and from the US. Needless to say, I slept a combined 9 hours over the course of 5 days so I’m feeling pretty fucking chipper right now.
Oh, while I got you hear, I just people to know I got some shows coming up. Here’s th run down of those:
12/8- Los Angeles @King Kong Hollywood
12/12- Atlanta @ Terminal west (It’s the Trinumeral fest)
12/13-Fairfield, Conn @ Stageone
12/15- Brooklyn NY @ Paper box
12/21 Austin Texas @ the Parish
You should totes go to these shows if you live anywhere near them.
Anyways, if you got more questions, send them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below.
Let’s go…

Do you remember having a favorite teacher in any grade, if so why?

As a person who hated school from 1st grade until I dropped out of college, I never had the best relationships with teachers. Apparently, they’re not a fan of being interrupted constantly , as well as they are not a fan of bullshit excuses for not doing things. My go to excuse? “I don’t understand?”. I learned from a young age that faking stupidity is a great way out of responsibility.
That said, My third grade teacher , whom I only remember as “Ann” was awesome. She let me draw comic books and write insane little stories. I honestly can’t even recall what she looked like or if we actually learned things from her but I do distinctly recall thinking “She’s the best teacher ever…”.

i know either or type questions are an easy way out and everyone always thinks they have a good question but hear me out here.

would you rather have an std that you constantly feel but could fuck w/o worrying about your partner getting it? or have an std you never feel but will transmit to your partners regardless of protection?

I really do hate these kind of questions…but mostly cause they’re so loose on context and would never ever work in a reality.
For instance, what STD is this? Would I be pissing razor blades my entire life? If it’s something I could live with (I suppose like a herpes sore that didn’t hurt that bad) and I knew it would never infect the other person , then I choose that. But if it’s something that’s gonna make my life a living hell, I’d choose the other one and would be forced to only have sex with girls I didn’t like. That way, I could live my life and not feel THAT bad about infecting these girls with the clap. Sounds shitty but you’re the asshole who put me in this situation, question asking guy.

What are your thoughts concerning hip-hop production styles of today compared with the production styles of the early 90’s?

I’d say it’s all a matter of taste. Things nowadays are far less sample driven which, as a dinosaur, I’m not too crazy about. At the same time, some of the things people are doing with synths and effects are pretty awesome. I suppose, nowadays, a lot of comes down to how good a musician the producer is. In my beginnings, we all sampled so being able to play things wasn’t a big deal. It was all based on simply having a good ear and refined taste. This is why I never learned to play an instrument. Now you got three types of producers. Ones who sample, ones who don’t and ones who do a little of both. I think my favorite of the three would be the latter. When done correctly, it creates music that both captures what was good about the old days without sounding mired in being “authentic old skool hip hop”.
The people who don’t sample are really the most divisive cause they are either awesome or the absolute worst. The whole “Ring tone” style of beats is fucking terrible and not even really music in my ears. As easy as sampling is, I’d venture to say making some of these super minimal southern ring tone beats is even easier and way less rewarding. A lot of these motherfuckers think they’re Mozart just cause they can hit two notes on triton.
All in all, much like in the 90’s, there are good and bad producers. things have been expanded on and taken to places that producers in 92 weren’t thinking about , and that’s a good thing. But, still, I’d rather hear some shit from back then than most of the shit that people are making today. But, hey, that’s just me and my old ass ears.

whens the last time you got into a fight? you ever really gotten your assed kicked or kicked some else’s bad? who do you think is the toughest dude in hip-hop? like if they had a BLOOD SPORT tournament who would win?

I’ve never been one to throw hands as I’m both rational and a pussy. I’m good at talking people down and I’m also not at all volatile. I also haven’t really been put in the position where a fight would happen. Maybe it’s cause i was always a big kid (I was 6 foot and 185 when I was 14. Same size now but with about 15 more pounds) but not many people ever started with me. Granted, I didn’t give people reason too but you’d think just by the law of averages someone would kick my ass at some point. I mean, I’ve been sucker punched by crews of kids and robbed before but the straight up like “Yo, let’s shoot the fair one!” type shit? Not since 7th grade. Me and this kid squared off after school within a circle of of kids. I actually didn’t think it was serious and then he punched me in the face while my head was turned. I was shocked. I dunno why I reacted this way but , for some reason, I opted for a kidney shot. I wailed him in the side of his gut and he fell. To be honest, I didn’t even realize a kidney shot was a thing but I suppose I didn’t feel comfortable hitting a dude in the face. I guess I won that as I was still standing but, really, we were both pussies and losers.
As far as getting my ass kicked or kicking ass, nah. Like I said, I’ve been punched in the face but it never really hurt or went beyond that. I’ve Pummeled my older brother (i was always bigger than him) before but that doesn’t really count either.
As for the toughest dude in hip hop, I’d say Freddie Foxxx or Willie D. Both those dudes would fuck most people up quickly.

If you could live in any year in the United States history for a month out of your life, what year would it be, where would it be, and why that year? If you selected 1966, would you go with your smartphone and pretend to be all CIA style, (given that your smartphone would work during that time). Would you be like a Nastradamus type telling tales of the future?

You know, I’m not much for nostalgia or living in a time when shit was worse than it was now. Because of that, I might not go back that far. Maybe I’d go to like the early 90’s/late 80’s and make beats that would change the face of hip hop. Sample with no reservations. Also, wear baggy jeans again and feel good about it. Not gonna lie though, I’d definitely bet money on all sporting events and be a millionaire.

This might’ve been asked already (or may not lead to anything really fruitful), but I haven’t seen it: What’s the oldest woman you’ve ever slept with, and was there anything particularly different about that experience? I hear old people tend to be cutthroat about time and their relationships (word to that one True Life episode).

I actually have never slept with a woman THAT much older than me. The biggest age gap was probably like 4 or 5 years and I did it in my mid 20’s. I didn’t notice anything different about it. In fact, she was kind of a head case which made me realize that just cause someone is older, doesn’t mean they can’t be a huge mess of a person. To be honest, I’ve never been attracted to older women like that. I mean, in my teens and early 20’s a 30 year old was hot but in my mid 30’s now…I’ll be damned if I ever want to bone some 45 year old woman.
It’s kinda like that thing where people will look at someone like Helen Mirren and say “Wow, she looks amazing!” and she does…for her age. That doesn’t mean I’d want my penis anywhere near her. Also, people talk about milfs but I’m older than most MILFS at this point so, to me, they’re basically just girls I went to high school with AKA GIWTHSWILF’s.

Answers for questions vol. 109

What up everyone. I’m glad last week is over and I hope people are starting to get their lives back together out here on the east coast. Not to sound like an OCD lunatic but last week was the first week since i started this blog where I didn’t post at least 4 times in a week. So, I’m happy that I should be getting back to the regular flow of things once again this week.
As always, I’d love you ask me questions. Be creative. Be fun. Don’t be boring.
Send them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. And now, on with the show…

You get to go on an episode of Trading Spaces with a music professional of your choice. It can be literally any rapper, producer, musician, singer, whatever. As is customary on Trading Spaces, you basically get total creative freedom to redecorate their home in however you see fit. You could just be a nice guy and do something cool, but fuck that, you’ve got like 3 days to do whatever you want and there’s a lot of people out there who would be fun to fuck with. For the sake of this stupid question, let’s say they’ve gotta live with it for at least a year.

You can paint their bedroom black, board up their windows and spray paint glow in the dark dicks all over the walls if you want. You can replace their kitchen faucets with dildos. You could be scary as all hell and turn their bathroom into the set of Saw. Whatever you want to do, you get to do it.

That said, it’s a pretty dangerous situation because they also get to redecorate your place and you’ll have to live with it for a year. You might want to play this one defensively. For example, you probably wouldn’t wanna pick Kanye, because though it would be fun to make a fuckery of his pad, he’d most likely just paint floor to ceiling murals of his naked self covered in gold chains and being groped by freaky bird-women all over your apartment, so chose wisely. I feel like DOOM would just get high and glue comic books to everything, which might be kinda cool. Anyway, get creative.

I’m not a man of interior design. I truly don’t care what my house looks like, as long as my necessities are inside it. Prior to my girl moving in, my living situation has been one of an organized mess. It wasn’t like I was a hoarder or anything but you also probably wouldn’t want to walk into my bathroom with bare feet. Everything was set up out of convenience. It was the most logical house ever, yet it looked like the fucking little rascals clubhouse.
That said, i truly don’t know what I’d do here. As long as the other artist doesn’t fuck with my belongings, he/she could paint my crib bright pink (if i traded spaces with Cam’ron perhaps?)and put dildo’s on the wall and you’d be shocked how long it would take me to change that. My indifference toward this kind of thing if legendary. So I’d probably pick someone who wanted to simply upgrade my shit and not expect much on my end. That person? Beyonce. I would certainly let her upgrade me.

Do all men really cheat? Are there any faithful guys left on this Earth? (I’m by no means disputing the fact that female slut bags cheat as well. But I’m a faithful woman so I’m allowed to ask this question.)

Of course not. Many do, but not all of them by a long shot. The way I see it there are like 5 basic types of men in this respect.
1)Dudes that will always cheat
These are guys who truly don’t give a fuck. It’s not just cause they’re selfish but often, it’s not even a moral question to them. they feel, it’s their duty as men to just fuck whoever they want. The don’t feel guilt and they do it with the reserve of a serial killer. The don’t get caught much either cause they’re comfort in doing it is such that it’s like second nature. These are the guys who have like one ride or die girl who they’re shacked up with (possibly with kids) and like 6 other girls they fuck on the regular. I feel as if any girl who not a delusional moron would be able to see through one of these dudes but you’d be shocked how often they don’t.

2)Dudes that don’t seek it out, but are susceptible to it
These are guys who, in general, are good people but have a few moral chinks in their armor. Dudes who don’t go looking for trouble but have problems turning it down when faced with it. Usually, these are people who are bad at drinking and drunk decision making or guys with little self control in general. They also might be the type to reluctantly get caught up in some office romance that turns into a full blown affair. These are dudes who can be preyed on my aggressive women who don’t give a shit about what they’re relationship status is. These guys are often only as faithful as their options are so be careful.

3)Dudes that will 90% of the time never cheat
These are guys who only go there in extreme circumstances. If they’re relationship is going well, it’s a non-issue and they follow a code. But , if things at home are strained and the right opportunity comes around, the MIGHT make a mistake. Usually a one time thing that they’d end up telling their significant other out of overwhelming guilt. So, on the bright side, they’re human and recognize they’re errors but , at the same time, yo can never be 100% sure of them.

4)Dude who don’t cheat but fantasize about it all the time
These are guys with a clear moral code that go out of their way to stay out of trouble. However, not a day goes by when they don’t think about it. They realize the right and wrong of the situation but the temptation is still there. I liken them to people who quit doing cocaine 15 years ago who still have dreams about it. It’s always looming in the background but these guys have enough self control to keep it under wraps. Instead, they get great pleasure out of harmlessly flirting with girls at social events and then walking away with their tail tucked between their legs.

5)Dudes who wouldn’t even think of such a thing
These are the ride or die dudes who basically just shut down all access to the opposite sex. To them, women that aren’t their significant other are just men with nicer clothes. Their dick is locked down and they don’t care in the least bit. To be honest, I’ve met a few of these types and they’re kinda scary in their dedication. It’s admirable but I can’t help but think they’re kind of crazy or full of shit. But, it turns out, they do actually exist.

Of these five types, I’d say the majority of men fall in the #3-4 range. There are TONS of #1 types (the % of athletes and musicians like that is staggering) and not THAT many #5 types but I’d say most even out. So, yeah, not all men cheat. But lots of them do.

What’s your opinion on polyamory? Do you think that 3 people all being in a relationship with each other can work?

I actually wrote something about this a while back when “big love” was still on:
Giving the link to that is the lazy answer but I repeat myself enough on here.

If you could choose to stay any age forever, what age would it be and why?
That’s tough. It depends if it means i would be as dumb as i was back then or I’d age in intelligence but stay the same age physically.
It it’s the former, I’d like to be around 26/27. I was smart enough at that point and started to figure things out. Financially, I wasn’t killing it yet but I was doing okay. I went out all the time, hooked up with tons of girls and had a nice core group of friends who did the same. I’d say that was the most fun era of my life. Not the most productive, but most fun.
If it’s the former, I’d go even younger. If I could be 21 and know all the shit I know now…man…I’d die of syphilis within the first year AND IT WOULD BE WORTH IT!

If you could choose anyone, who would you pick to be your mentor and why?

Hmm..i’ve never been one for Mentors. I’m a terrible student so that quality hasn’t leant itself to me being mentored by anyone. When i was 11/12, there was this toy store I used to frequent and this dude Manny used to work there. I went in there initially to
buy toys and video games but eventually Manny and I bonded over rap music. He was like 19 and knew everything. He was the closest thing to an idol I ever had as he pretty much put me on to all the music I now consider some of my favorite shit ever. Without him, I probably wouldn’t have ever even fell in love with hip hop the way i did. That was as close to a mentor as I ever had. Nowadays I can’t see my 36 year old ass being mentored by anyone unless I took up glass blowing or got a real job…and that’s not happening if I can help it. So, yeah, I got no answer for this one. It’s kinda like the question “What inspires you?”. I really don’t know but i also never think about that kinda stuff.

Have you ever had a girl queef while you were boning her? If so, explain the story and how you felt.

Are you a 14 year old virgin? Of course I have. What adult male hasn’t? More times than I can remember. In fact, I tend to assist in getting the air out if i can feel it there. Queef’s are not a big deal. It’s just air. The fact it makes a fart sound is comical but if you’re an adult with any reasonable amount of sexual experience, you just plow right through it like nothing happened. If you’re still reacting to queef’s in bed you clearly ain’t about that life.

Out of all the places you’ve traveled, what’s your favorite country/city and why?

Well, NYC is my favorite city by far but that’s not the question…we’re talking where I’ve traveled. That’s tough cause , while I’ve traveled all over, it’s rare that I’ve been able to spend that much time in one place. Certainly not enough to have an opinion on it as “the best”. That said, in the states, I’d say San Francisco is my favorite city not named New York. Outside the states, I LOVED Melbourne, Australia. I got to spend 4 days there a long time a go and it was awesome. The vibe, the people and the city in general.
It’s funny that I get to travel and see all these places cause, really, I’m not a very adventurous guy. In fact, I hate traveling. but I’d imagine , had i been given like 5 days at every place I’ve ever been to, I’d like it more. The one thing I know about going places is that it’s often not the place, but who you’re with. I’m sure I could have a great time in the Ozarks if i was with the right people.