The soft “a” is crucial

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As a white dude who is a rap fan, I’ve always had a strange relationship with the word “nigga”. Not to be confused with it’s cousin word with a harder “r” sound ,with whom I’ve had a much more defined relationship with. Obviously, we’ve never been close.
But with “nigga” ,I’ve never been one to use it. It just never felt right coming out of my mouth. Aside from the more obvious social reasons, I don’t speak with a particularly affected twang so to say something like “Yo, nigga, could you please pass me the soy sauce” wouldn’t really make sense or benefit anything. Besides, even if i were to harmlessly indulge in saying it, you never know who you’re going to accidentally offend by doing so. It just never seemed worth it.
That said, over the course of my life it has been a word that I’ve heard with great frequency. Both in music and in life. So i figured it would be fun to look back at some funny moments with that word and how it relates to a fairly normal , yet self aware white dude from a city.

1)The first time I got called a nigga
Blame my bohemian upbringing or being from a melting pot type city but I literally didn’t hear a white person refer to a black person in a derogatory fashion (in person) until I left New York. It wasn’t till I went to school in Boston that i heard someone refer to a black guy as a “nigger” and mean it. It was done in such a matter of fact way I was just kinda speechless. It was also done in that bitch ass , wink wink, nudge nudge kinda way as if to say “Hey, we’re both white here, right?”.
As clearly as i remember that moment with great disdain, I’ll never forget the first time a black guy called me “nigga” with great fondness.
As a young rap white rap fan in the early 90’s, there wasn’t much happening to make us feel good about ourselves (and rightfully so…after all, we were white). The beastie boys and 3rd bass were the beginning and end of it. Not to mention, it was a time period when a good deal of my favorite rap was highly afrocentric/pro-black. Groups like X-Clan, Poor righteous Teachers, King Sun and even the friendly Native tongue crew all wore africa medallions and spoke of things that I , as a white guy, could only examine from outside the bubble. So suffice to say, I looked at these guys with great admiration but also with an understanding that I’d never truly be like them no matter how hard i tried. I’d like to think most white kids my age during that time had that revelation but judging from how most of the kids I went to high school acted, they didn’t figure it out until they were in their twenties.
So, realizing that I could never really be down, i simply didn’t try too hard. I just listened to the music fiendishly and that was that. Still, that want to be accepted never really died.
One day, I was walking down the street with a basketball , on my way to the park to go shoot around. I was passing by west 4th street (which is a highly populated area in greenwich village). Out of the sea of bodies I heard someone saying “ay yo nigga! Yo…Nigga!”. It sounded like it was aimed at me but, obviously, that wouldn’t make much sense so I kept moving.
“Yo, nigga! Yo, white boy with that basketball!” I turned around.
“Lemme see that ball for a second”.
I was kind of in shock. I hope I didn’t but I may have been making a face like someone being picked as a pageant winner. On some “You mean MEEEEE?!?!?!” shit. He was a slightly bummy looking black dude in his early 30’s who was sitting in a fold out beach chair he had placed on the side of the street. Seemed harmless enough so I tossed him the ball. He stood up, dribbled it for 5 seconds and threw it back to me.
“Good looking out, nigga”
and that was that.
I remember walking towards the courts feeling like I was slightly different. Like i had passed a authenticity test or something. In hindsight, I was far from special as I imagine that guy is the type to call inanimate objects nigga but still, at that time, I was on cloud 9.

2)Mcdonalds
I don’t know if this will translate when written out but I’mma give it a shot.
I was about 19 and high as a person could be. My 4 friends and I had smoked a few blunts and were now floating around the city like the walking dead in search for any food we could stuff in our high mouths. We landed at a McDonalds…which was fine as I was 19 and ate that kinda shit like 4 times a week. High as hell, we all lined up and ordered food the only way high people do. Slowly and like complete fucking idiots. The girl behind the counter was a portly Puerto rican lady in her early 20’s who was obviously amused with the looming group of stoned white guys. We were actually chatting her up a bit and , seemingly, made a new friend. As the order came to a close , all our food was bagged up and ready to go when she said “Oh, Yall niggas want sauce?”
Again, we were SO high. As soon as that sentence came out of her mouth we all just kinda looked at each other like “did she really just refer to us as “niggas”?” That same excitement I felt when that dude in the lawn chair had said it to me was palpable in the room. This was followed by 5 stoned people trying to contain laughter while also trying to procure some of that delicious sauce she was offering. We politely accepted and got out of there as soon as possible so we could guffaw hysterically. To this day, any time I go into a McDonalds or am with any of those friends from that night, that sentence still runs through my head.

3) So puerto ricans can say it?
That was the thought i had the first time I heard a Puerto rican dude say “nigga” without flinching. It was in front of black dudes who didn’t flinch as well. I remember thinking “Why do they get a pass”? It’s safe to so that I was pretty young at the time and didn’t understand a lot of things.
That’s how I learned, in many cases, the people who use it aren’t always about race as they are about location. If you’re black and I’m dominican and we grew up in the same hood with the same friends using that word , it’s just gonna become a part of the vernacular. Teenaged me would have tried to rationalize that it’s wrong of them to say it but, really, who gives a shit? I would never want to take that gift away from the likes of Fat Joe and Beatnuts. And I’d say that same privilege extends to white dudes who grew up around minorities who used the word with great frequency. At least, from what I’ve seen it has.

4)The first time I heard a white dude say “Nigga”.

It’s slightly more common now to hear a white guy say that word. At least in certain circles. But 15 years ago, it wasn’t a thing white guys did. And if they did do it, they did it selectively and with an air of discomfort. Like they so desperately want to be down enough to say it but , deep down, in their hearts they know they probably shouldn’t be saying it.
Around 97/98, I met this dude. I don’t wanna say his real name, as we are still buddies, so let’s call him Bob. Upon first glance, Bob was a wigger of Danny Hoch proportions. Like he was a cartoon version of a wigger. Just being in a room with him, I heard him dropping “Nigga” a dozen times over the course of an hour. But he was doing it amongst a very racially mixed crowd with a comfort level I had never seen before. I had just seen him out a few times , as he was friends with some friends of mine but my initial reaction was that he was a clown.
Flash to a few weeks later and we’re actually hanging out. Turns out, he’s not only an intelligent guy but he’s also hilarious and genuinely good person. This blew my mind. He was a little younger than me but hearing a white guy shamelessly say “nigga” without pulling back was some next level shit. I didn’t really agree with it but I couldn’t help but admire his balls (pause).
Now whether you think it’s right or wrong for any white guy to throw that word around is on you. I certainly understand how that could rub all sorts of people the wrong way. But , much like the girl at McDonalds and the guy in the lawn chair, a lot of how we should accept words is in the intention of how they’re used. Basically, what I’m saying is that it’s okay to be offended by this kinda thing but don’t ever become one of those assholes who overlooks context and intent of how words are used. Bob meant no harm. It was just a word that got engrained in his vocabulary. For better or worse.

5)Overhearing people use the word “nigga” is the best Not to be confused with overhearing people use the word” Nigger” which is the worst…

These are a few things I’ve tweeted in the past after just overhearing people say thing literally like 5 feet from the door of my home:
“I love that I can walk 2 steps out of my building & overhear a guy call his friend an “easy bake oven ass nigga”. New York is the best.”

“Just overheard the sentence “yo, but this nigga DR. Phil got next though”. Trying to imagine a context where that statement makes sense.”

6)”Nigga” is anything
There are different levels of the way people use that word. Obviously WHO is using it is very important so let’s just assume, for these examples, I’m referring to non-whites using this word.
To some, it’s only used to get a point across like “You better give me back my game of thrones box set or there’s gonna be trouble, nigga!”
To others, it’s completely off limits.
But to others, it’s as engrained in their vocabulary as the word “Like” is for valley girls. It can be referring to a table “I banged my knee on that nigga the other day and it still hurts”. It can be referring to a female. Anyone who’s seen porn where the dude is calling the girl he’s fucking “nigga” can attest to that. However, my favorite of all is when it’s referring to animals. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a flock of sheep in europe and heard a dude say “look at all those niggas go…”. As offensive as this word can be to some people, to others it simply means anything. But, more directly, it means a person. I’ve been called a “white nigga” more times than I can count and , in all those situations, it wasn’t used negatively or positively. It was simply a description. As in, we’re playing basketball , I’m the only white guy and a guy on the other team tells his teammate to guard “that white nigga”. 16 year old me would be in heaven over the entire exchange but , in reality, it meant nothing. It’s just a word some people use. The only confusion about it, really, is who can and cannot use it. Clearly, I’m not the judge and jury for that case. No one person is. Thus, I suppose , it’s just on a person to person basis. But, whatever you do, always remember to never drop it with the hard “R”. I’m looking at you Mitt Romney.

Answers for questions vol. 107


What up. Welcome to another edition of that thing where i answer that question you have. Will it ever end? I hope not. I need the blog content. Speaking of which, send me more questions. Leave them in the comments below or email me them at phatfriendblog@gmail.com. Don’t be shy. I’m an open book (mostly).
Anyway, here’s this weeks batch. The last one officially wins the award for dumbest question ever. But as there are no bad questions, well done, sir.

A few months back I saw you Tweet with Aesop about a David Blaine experience you had back in the day. It sounded like he kinda freaked you out which is understandable b/c that dude is a fucking weirdo. When I saw your funny David Blaine Facebook post this morning it reminded me to ask what happened when you met him?

Oh. Okay, this was so long ago I was still rapping. So we’re talking like 97ish. My group, The Overground, was playing a show at some now closed shithole venue on Houston St. called “The Spiral”. Our shows would go one of two ways: We’d play for 7 people or we’d play for like 30. The Spiral was tiny enough that 30 seemed like a great night. Regardless of how many people were there, we always sucked and the whole area in front of the stage would be cleared out like a murder scene. Anyway, this one night, we had one of our more well attended shows. My boy Chase Phoenix would rap on a few of our songs so he was usually in attendance. He knew this dude Cassidy who was good friends with an “up and coming magician” named David Blaine. Now, hearing someone being referred to as an “up and coming magician” was as comical as it sounds. None of us had any idea who he was but you can be sure we all thought that concept of a dude who’s blowing up off card tricks was about as cool as that up and coming librarian we had been hearing so much about.
We did the show. It went as well as that crap could have gone I guess. Afterwards, everyone was chilling by the bar getting drunk. And Blaine was walking around the room doing card tricks for people. I was rolling my eyes from afar cause, you know, it’s fucking card tricks. He seemed to be doing really well with them though as people (especially girls) were quite fascinated by this up and coming star of the dark arts.
Eventually, he comes to where I’m sitting with a few people and asks if we wanna see a trick. We all say yes and he began doing tricks to each person who was there. I gotta admit, I was somewhat impressed as they were not the typical “guess my card” bullshit. He got to me and I’m sure my face still read as skeptical. In fact, I distinctly recall sharing a silent moment of him looking at me and vice versa wher ethere’s no way he couldn’t read my expression as anything but “Okay bro, do your little card trick for me”. He handed me an unopened deck of cards (still in the wrapper) and said in his monotone voice “Think of a card…but not the ace of spades. That’s what everyone thinks of…”
So, I thought of something random like the 5 of clubs. He then told me to unwrap the pack and hand it back to him and adamantly told me not to tell anyone what card I was thinking of. Instead, write it down on a piece of napkin and hold onto it myself. I did so , making sure to hide what I was writing from anywhere he could possibly see it. I was definitely trying my hardest to not make his trick go over. I handed him back the pack and he flipped open the cardboard top. He didn’t remove the cards. He just held it open there staring at me with those weird ass raccoon eyes of his. He then flicked the bottom of the card case and one card popped up. Yup. It was my fucking card. The joy he must have felt to see my smug, non-believing ass face change to “Wait a second…get the fuck outta hereeeeeee!”.
Suffice to say, since that day, I’ve been convinced that if Jesus ever came back, he’d probably be a magician.

I really appreciate your point of view and music. That being said, I could use some perspective.
I recently (past two years) just flipped a bitch with my life. I went from studying art and percussion and devoting my free time to everything related, to working for land conservation agencies and studying Wildlife Ecology. I literally have done a 3 mile hike to remove a barbed wire fence from a sensitive ecosystem while wearing chucks. Anyways. It’s safe to say that I love the outdoors and I can kick it out of my tent for pretty long periods of time (5 months being the longest) but all of my artistic ability has suffered. My paradiddles are starting to sound like a person trying to masturbate with a broken hand. Before I was doing pretty well in school, probably because liberal arts papers can be bull shited and lab reports cannot, and now I’m struggling with the first fraction of my semester. I regularly question whether or not I should do what comes natural (reading art blogs, drinking coffee, and playing music) or do what I believe the world needs (also have a guarantee of a salary from the National Parks Service..) Should I just (wo)man-up and do it all?

As a musician, I will tell you that it’s very hard to procure a future making music. Because of that, I will always advise a person to do the other thing. Whatever it is. It could be saving the world or it could be working in an office where you get health insurance. Stability is underrated and hard to come by these days. The thing about art is that it’s always there. If you do it cause you love it, though you may get rusty, you can always pick it up again. Ideally, you could get on a career path and that will open up time for you to do both. So, my advice would be to save the world now and do art later. To be honest, both can be pretty fruitless and frustrating but at least you can make enough money to eat a few meals a day when you’re saving the world.
That’s not a given with art and music. Just ask every waiter you know.

Mister Blockhead
I am a New Zealander.
Apparantly many people believe New Zealand is a place where sheep=automobile, singlet and gumboots=well dressed and grass paddock=nightclub.
My questions: have you ever been to New Zealand? and if you had a choice, would you rather be picked up from Auckland airport and taken to a venue in Downtown Auckland, to perform to a crowd of humans with differing levels of wideness in the eye area, wearing jeans of assorted bagginess, OR ride a sheep to a paddock, to do a show stemming from a multi-box plugged in a cow milking shed, infront of some drunken farmers wearing singlets and gumboots somewhere between Taupo and Turangi?

I have never been to New Zealand. Though I hear it’s very nice there. I have been to Australia though, and I loved it (I know New Zealanders hate when you add that on to this question but I couldn’t resist).
As for the question, the obvious choice is the first one. I don’t think I’ve ever been put in a situation where I’ve been forced to play for local farmhands but I can’t imagine it would go over too well. What kind of music do they even listen to? In my mind, that music involves the sounds of rubberbands being pulled and maybe syncopated pig slaughter.

So I have a question that you have touched on briefly, but it would be great if you could greatly elaborate on the subject. As much as possible anyway. At one point you had mentioned your position on people charging artists to record them, master their tracks, produce beats, etc etc and how you didn’t think anyone had any business charging until either side was making some money at doing so. Well I’ve been trying to get something recorded lately, and have spoken to a few people about it and all of them have basically asked me if I am prepared to pay them for it. I find this hilarious because none of them that I have really inquired about recording me have proper studios, and don’t really have any significant following. Granted they may record themselves and have some DECENT recording, but its not like they are pulling worthwhile crowds or are known to any significant extent. Basically, I want you to go at this subject, if you would. From all the angles: MC’s, Producers, Mixing/Mastering, Studio Time, you name it… I would like you to comment on all of it since you make a living off of music. So are these assholes out of their minds or what? Everyone thinks they are worth money because they have USB mics and some kind of platform to record on, and its time this shit got set straight cause its getting out of hand. Please, let these fuckers know.

Yes, I’m just buying a mic and recording myself but the reason I wanted to get recorded by someone else is it would be nice to cultivate a relationship with someone who’s work I have faith in and work on stuff together but as soon as one of these boobs (yes, I said boob, because I feel like that is more insulting then the overused douche bag) tries to charge me for their unproven skills, I laugh in their fucking face and remind them they are no one special and probably never will be if they are trying to charge people that are on the same level as them, neither of which are making any REAL money yet from music.

Man, that question could have been like one paragraph…people reading this, use this as a “how not to” question. Just make your point and get tot the heart of the matter.
To answer it,
The only reason you shouldn’t have to pay people to do studio work is if they’re your friends. If you’re using them for a service, you pay them for that service. The only exception is using peoples beats. Some producers will just give beats away cause it’s no big deal and it can’t hurt. I think that’s where you misunderstood my initial point. To be clear:
If two people are both equally not famous, I don’t see a point in either of them charging each other for music. Be it the rapper or the producer. Friend of acquaintance. That’s called collaborating. It’s also the most efficient way to get these types of things done. If the producer has a studio and you’re using his beats, i’d say it’s not crazy to expect to do it for free as you’re both involved.
However,
If this is about recording, mixing or any of the laborious aspects of making music, and that person isn’t you’re close buddy (and isn’t involved in the creative process), then you gotta pay. Some people may be cool about not taking money as it’s just experience but you can’t expect that. That said, if they’re just some dude with protools and a mike, it should be pretty fucking cheap.

this is mostly a food related question, or series of questions. i’m from chicago, and we put giardiniera on everything pretty much. i went to philly, and asked for giardiniera on my bmt at subway and they looked at me like i was crazy. or speaking a foreign language, which i guess i was. but no one else in philadelphia knew what i was talking about. so my (first) question is, with nyc being guido as fux, do you have/know what giardiniera is? or is this so called italian topping another chicago ethnic creation like the italian beef or jibaritos. in which case i feel sorry for the world. second question, why the hell would you put saurkraut on a hot dog? ew. or is that just a myth.

First off, Nyc is far from guido as fux. Manhattan, itself, is pretty much devoid of that type in general. Almost all the guido’s you might see here are exported from the outer boroughs , jersey and long island. That said , I’m not italian and don’t know what goes on in that world so there’s a good chance they know what that shit is.
I have never heard of Giardiniera. The fact you were able to spell it right in the question so many times is actually really impressive. I’m sure it delicious though cause you chicago heads are no joke when it comes to making heart stopping yet tasty spin offs of sausage.

As for the saurkraut , some people do that. I don’t…but many other do. But don’t you guys no put ketchep and mustard on your hot dogs? That’s crazy talk right there. That shit is delicious.

Yo Block! Have you ever considered what would you do if you were gay? Please specify two scenarios:
1. still working in music industry: would you make country, dubstep, be in a boysband or something else?
2. non-music industry: would you be hair-stylist, work in fashion industry, sell hot-dogs ot sth else?

Man, not a day goes by when I don’t consider life as a gay man. Think of all the perks!

Seriously though, this may be the dumbest question I’ve ever gotten (I’m not even mad about it though cause i appreciate every question i get). I mean, holy shit dude…have you met a gay person before? They aren’t like a different species of human. Yu might as well have asked me what I’d do if I was a dog for a day.
So, to answer your questions:
1)Because there is no way on earth a gay person could make the kind of music I make,obviously, I’d be in a band that’s music is made up entirely of the sound pounding assholes. It would be a chorus of skin slapping and deep, guttural grunts. Perhaps I’d be the Fred Schneider of the group and just scream little catch phrases in the background.

2) I don’t think I’d work. I’d just sit around thinking of all the hot boys I wanna have sex with. I mean, how do gay people ever work jobs when there are soooooo many hot guys out there? I bet walking down the street is hell for them…boners everywhere. Gays…how do they do it? Because of this, I’d probably stay indoors all day. Maybe knitting or baking tiny cupcakes. If not for any other reason then to quell my deep, dark uncontrollable gay urges.

(I shouldn’t have to clarify that I’m kidding here but you’d be amazed how often people don’t “get” the most obvious shit…Just preempting the “blockhead is a homophobe!” backlash from that one person out there who doesn’t understand how jokes work.)

My trip to europe!!! Tales from the darkside.


So, as you may know, I was in Europe last week doing some shows. It was the first time I had been touring out there in over 7 years so I was pretty excited about getting back out there. However, what I was not excited about was the brutal jet lag and lack of sleep I’d be getting but, hey, those type of things are all part of this job and it’s better dealing with that once every few months than working in an office.

So, this here is going to be my rehash of the entire trip. Instead of mapping out the entire thing like some mind numbing slide show, I’m just gonna randomly talk about thinks I noticed, as well as a few things that happened. This will not be brief so , if you’re not a fan of words, just stop reading right here.

I’m a huge proponent of bullet points so, let’s roll with that…
Just to run it down:
First I went to Berlin. Then to Budapest, Lithuania, Moscow and St, Petersburg. I had two days in berlin and the rest of the places I was in for half a day each.
I like to preface all that I’m about to write by explaining that I’m admittedly a dumb american. I’m a fish out of water when i go down south so you can imagine me in a place where people are talking a different language. That said, I’ve also traveled more than most people. I’ve been to many , many cites all over the world. So, keep both of those things in mind. I know stuff and I’m always respectful of other places when I’m there but I’m also fairly ignorant and enjoy to make fun of peoples differences.

1)European babies/children are mad european

Before I even boarded the the plane, I saw all these little schnitzel eating mother fuckers running around. It’s funny cause the difference is so subtle yet so clear. While an american baby might be wearing some little t-shirt and sneaker combo, the euro baby will be wearing some swiss miss overalls and a tiny soccer jersey. I wanna say they were wearing wooded shoes but I’d be lying. But let’s just say they might has well have been. Ever heard a german baby speak? It’s fucking weird.

2)Food that has no business being in Germany
While in Berlin I was pretty much stranded. I mean, I could walk around but I didn’t know where the fuck I was or how to get around so I pretty much stayed within a close distance to my hotel. When it came time to eat, it was a hard choice. Eating in foreign countries is weird cause you can’t read the menu’s. So, what you end up doing is looking for places that have pictures on the walls so you can at least make sure you’re not gonna accidentally order dog dick soup in a jizz based creme fresh. The thing about european cuisine (low end cuisine) is that they like what they like. Some shit that is totally normal there may be something your mouth is simply not ready for. I mean, shit, have you seen their potato chips? They got flavors like “Tripe and chocolate”. So, Basically, you end up ordering what seems most familiar simply to be safe. This way of thinking bought me to eating a burrito in germany. How the fuck mexican food found it’s way to germany is beyond me. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a large mexican population ANYWHERE in europe, let alone Berlin. But, i said fuck it and ate there. You know what? It wasn’t terrible. It was better than taco bell but worse than Chipotle.
As for the sushi, I just avoided it. Something about german sushi just doesn’t sit right with me.

3)There is mad graffiti in Europe

It’s crazy how much there is. It’s everywhere and it seems like it never gets taken down. I asked a local about it and they told me that it’s simply too much work to take it all down so they just leave it be. This results in many parts of european cites looking like the background on the video game Double Dragon.

4)No one Jaywalks
Maybe it’s a new york thing but this bugged me out. People literally stood and waited for the lights to change to cross the streets, regardless of car activity. To me, that’s some next level shit. I followed suit though cause the last thing I need to do is get arrested for crossing the street in Germany.

5)Non-lesbian shaved head women everywhere

This is just specific to Germany but I saw tons of bald headed hoes. Not brute dykes or even punk rock nazi looking girls. Just normal , feminine ladies with shaved heads. It wasn’t a good look. I’ve said this before about things like shaved heads on ladies but if you look great with a shaved head, you’ll always look better with hair. Even if you can pull it off doesn’t make it better, it just means you can pull it off. But , hey, that’s the style out there so who am I to say anything.

6)The art of the backhanded compliment
i don’t know what it is about europeans but they are masters of the back handed compliment. Perhaps it’s cause of the language differences and they’re working with limited words but on more than one occasion I came across a dude who would tell me how much he liked my albums EXCEPT that one album he thinks was terrible. While I appreciate the honesty, I also didn’t ask for his opinion. On the other hand, in america, when a dude does that, he annoying presents it as him “being real” as opposed to him being ” a dipshit”.

7) I’m a dipshit
When I’m in a foreign country where everyone is speaking broken english to me, I have this thing where I find myself speaking broken english back to them. Like I’ll say “you come to show tonight, yes?”. It makes no fucking sense but I had to stop myself from doing it repeatedly over the course of the trip.
A similar thing that came up was when a stranger would just start talking to me in the native language and I’d just look at them and say “english”. Looking back, this is kinda rude. I found myself greeting everyone with a “Hello” just to put it out there that “hey, we got an ignorant american over here who hasn’t bothered even learning the most basic aspects of your native language”. I gotta say though, the “hello” worked pretty well.

8)The shit show
So, it’s the third day of our tour and we’re playing in Vilnius, Lithuania. A place I’ve never been to (I had also never heard of it prior to seeing the announced show dates). As we get to sound check, I open my computer. A computer, I might add , that is 100% how I do my live shows. I turn it on and the screen goes white…and stays white. Eventually, a little folder pops up in the middle of the screen with a “?” inside of is. I had never seen this before. I asked around the venue and eventually had a dude on his computer looking into ways to fix this. Nothing was working. The computer was dead. It was coming to a point where a solution had to be invented cause there was no way I was performing my live set that night. My tour buddy, DJ Cam, figured my only choice would be to do a dj set. Now, he was correct. Aside from canceling the next three shows and pissing off a lot of people while trapped in a land far, far away from home, a dj set was my only option. He was using Serato so all I had to do was load in all my albums into his computer and pick what songs to play. but here’s the thing, I’m not a DJ. I’ve “DJ’d” before but it didn’t involved mixing. It was just playing songs. So, I had to make do and “blend” songs the best I could. I did the show and it went as well as I could hope. Luckily , the crowd attending was more there just to party and didn’t really give a shit what I played.
The next day, we flew into Russia. I was told they had an apple store there and had faint hopes of maybe fixing this situation. Well, long story short, it didn’t happen and I had to finish the rest of the dates with a half baked DJ set. To the people who came, my apologies but it was that or nothing. To be honest, the show went over insanely well in Moscow. Like people were cheering and clapping whenever I did anything. I wish every show was like that. The St. Petersburg show was not received quite as well cause, apparently, the Andy Milonokis looking promoter was mad that I had promoted this as a “Live set”. he was also a cock sucker so i don’t really feel bad about it. The fans were great though.
I have since gotten home and it turned out what happened was the wire connecting my hard drive to my computer got fucked up. I went to Tek-Serve and got it fixed in five minutes (shout out to my boy paolo, who has saved my life more than once with the computers). Still, I was a panicky mess for a good 48 hours in a country where I could not have felt more isolated from the world as i know it. No fun.

9)All smiles

Not a lot of smiling going on in the streets of Russia. The people were nice but walking around the streets of Moscow will make you think smiling is a capitol offense. When I asked russians about this they just kinda shrugged and said “Yeah, it’s like that out here.”

10)Fear in Russia
I can’t front, i was a little shook in Russia. Not cause it was dangerous but cause I felt completely helpless there. Aside from not having a phone and also not having a working computer , it’s one of those places that i could see myself just vanishing in. Like, had I gotten separated from the group i was traveling with, you wouldn’t ever hear from me again. It reminded me of the time I was in a small upstate NY town where there was no phone service and everything closed at 8 pm. You break your leg at 8:15 in the forrest, you’re pretty much a dead man. In Russia, while it’s has millions of people everywhere, there’s a distinct feeling of “I don’t know if I belong here”. i’m speaking about just walking around. Like i said, the people were all very nice and it wasn’t a scary place at all (at least, not where I was). But between the language barrier and the fact they use a different alphabet, it was intimidating.

11) And the award for hottest girls goes too…

Lithuania?!?!? Yup. holy shit.
You know how people will often say that some of the hottest women in the world come from eastern europe? It’s for a reason. Not just Lithuania. Russia , in general, was no slouch either. I noticed that they tend to be taller and leaner than you’re typical american hot girl. More Model like. I’m not even really a huge fan of that look but their faces were undeniable. Some were blonde , some looked half asian, some looked like James Bond girlfriends. I didn’t even get to Prague but I’ve been told that’s the jewel of eastern europe. So, yeah, don’t sleep on Baltic broads.

12)Getting hit on in broken english
Even with a language barrier, groupies are universal. I had a few funny situations pop over over the week but , being the good boyfriend that I am, I kept it in my pants. Getting hit on by girls at shows in europe is very different then when it happens in the states. In the states, it’s very overt and almost kinda cheesy. It’s rushed flirting with a lot of dependency on “what are you up to after the show?”. But, if nothing else, it’s very succinct. In europe , however, it’s a whole different ball game. The trouble with speaking english leads the girls to say amazing shit like “I have the strong feelings about you” and they often mis-use the perfect word that would make someone think “Um, i think this girl is deeply in love with me” when , in reality, she just doesn’t know the word for “hook up”. It’s similar to the way europeans give backhanded compliments. It’s all due to the language barrier and a limited vocabulary. Either way, getting hit on in any language is fun but I got a kick out of hearing a russian girl trying to figure out a way to say she was down to get down.

13)Sleep no more/old people are the worst

My last show was in St. Petersburg and I had a 6 am flight that morning after the show. We got back to the hotel around 2 am and I had a cab coming to pick me up to take me to the airport at 3:45 am. So, sleeping wasn’t an option. I had been up since 8 that morning but there really was no choice. I had a 15 hour travel day ahead of me due to taking connecting flights from St, Petersburg to Frankfurt, Germany all the was back to NYC. It was one of those situations where I couldn’t even calculate how much time it would take cause of all the different timezones and the lay over. All I knew was I was leaving at 6 am and arriving back in NY at 11:30 am. Sounds like nothing right? WRONG.
The St. Petersburg airport was a mess. There were like 4 check points and it appeared that all the people on my flight to Frankfurt were a tourist group of american senior citizens. Not just any senior citizens, these were a bunch of back woods southern idiots who were wearing american flag hats and all had on name tags. Little known fact about old people: They don’t know how to do ANYTHING. You should have seen them at the automated check in. It might as well have been the fucking Monolith from “2001: A space odyssey). Every part of boarding a plane was like it just got invented right there. “wait, we get in a line? I don’t understand.”
Think “Lord of Flies” but much slower and with far less violence.
Old people do not give a fuck. I was in line, red eyed and in a general haze. These motherfuckers were just cutting in front of me like I didn’t exist. Old people are nothing if not entitled, especially when out of the united states. I realize you’re supposed to respect your elders but these people had crossed the line of being old into simply being burlap sacks of shit that consume food and air and get their powers from pictures of grand children.
The funniest thing to me about it is that these sheltered fossils , who probably happily live in small towns where Papa johns pizza is considered exotic cuisine, decide to take trip to a place so far out of their comfort zone that they can’t possibly enjoy it. Like how long must they have spent walking around Moscow looking for a place to get some chicken friend steak?
I sat behind them , listening to them complain about their grandkids and their plans for when they get home. It was depressing. Just being around them I realized that there’s a definitive cut off age for when I need to be alive till. And it’s before I become one of those pieces of shit.

Anyway, because I’m a moron, I don’t sleep well on planes and I ended up being awake for about 50 straight hours. I dunno if you’ve deprived yourself of that much sleep without involving meth or cocaine but it’s Preeeeeeety awesome. It’s thursday now and I’m finally starting to feel like a human again. What can i say. I love my job!

I would like to add that, despite the complaining here, I did have a good time. The shows all went well , especially considering what happened to my computer, and it’s always cool to see new places. Hopefully I’ll be making it out the Europe more often…and my computer won’t break. A man can dream.

Song of the day 9/7/12


7th Seal by Freestyle Fellowship
http://www.divshare.com/download/19504420-a83

This is one of those songs that I have a clear memory of hearing for the first time. While Freestyle Fellowship and and project blowed were making waves out west, you didn’t really hear about them in NY. We had our underground stuff but this was before the internet was what it is now. So, unless it was handed to you in the form of a cassette, you weren’t hearing shit.
The year was 1991 and I was a sophomore in high school. I remember coming into school and running into my boy Brandon in the hallway. He was a grade below me and , at that point, was the only kid I knew who was more up on new hip hop shit that I was. Granted, I was drawing from a small pool but it was something, at least at my high school, that I knew to be true. Brandon wasn’t a typical 9th grader. He had a baby sitter who had been taking him to the rock steady celebration since he was a little kid. He was a awkwardly short white kid from midtown who had somehow landed himself in the epicenter of NY hip hop at an extremely young age. Brandon also knew people at record labels (which is baffling to think about now as he was literally 14 years old) so he’d always have whatever new shit was coming out before it dropped. He caught wind of my hunger for new hip hop and would often make me little mix tapes of the new shit he had been listening to.
Anyway, on this particular day, I saw him bopping around the hallways with his headphones on (which he ALWAYS had on). I asked him what he was listening to and he said “Some next shit…”. He asked me if I had ever heard of Freestyle Fellowship. I said I didn’t thinks so , though I mad have seen the name in The Source magazine at some point. He was like “It’s pretty out there…I’ll make you a dub.”. The next day, he handed me a blank cassette with no writing on it except for a sticker on the cassette itself that read “F.F.”. Much like Brandon, I always had my walkman with me. I didn’t wanna just listen to it between classes so I waited till i was heading home on the train. I popped it in and this was the first thing I heard:

Whaaaaaaat? Keep in mind, this was 1991. NOTHING sounded like this. From the beat to the rhymes, i couldn’t even fully wrap my head around what I was hearing. This dude was just rapping non stop with a flow like I had never heard before. As I went through the tape, I would learn he was just one of 5 rappers in the group. They all had completely different styles. All styles (with the exception of the more conventional J Sumbi who wasn’t even on another F.F. album afterwards) that I had never heard before. For my 15 year old brain, this was almost too much to consume. I played this tape non-stop, passed if off to any friend who would listen and pretty much worshipped it for the next few months.

This was the first “weird” rap album i had ever loved and it would open the doors for all sorts of shit. That year, Del the funkee homosapian dropped his debut. Souls of mischief followed a few years later. And from there, the left field mind set of hip hop had been embraced. Solesides popped up, Company flow emerged and the rest is history.
I mean, sure, Ultramagnetic had existed already but, for as strange as Kool Keith was, what these guys out west were doing was simply some next level shit. So, here is my all time favorite song from the “To whom it may concern” album. The first Mikah 9 song I ever heard and , in my eyes, his best song ever to this day. Not a diss to the man at all but it’s impact on how I listened to music was huge.
Okay? Nerd out done. Enjoy.

The opening act AKA Eating shit


They sell you that…but more often than not, it’s really this

I recently saw ads for a reality show called “Opening Act”. I’m not sure if it’s aired yet, been cancelled or whatever but I can pretty much guess the plot line. They have unknown bands compete to get the chance to open for huge acts. That sounds about right.
Now, on paper, this seems like the chance of a lifetime. For most bands , the thought of performing at a huge venue where sports are played is a pipe dream. I can see why many bands would be rushing at the opportunity…but here’s a little know fact about being the opening act: it’s always sucks.
Anyone who’s toured can tell you that. If you’re not the headliner or the supporting act, 8 out of 10 times , you’re performing for no one. And if you do happen to have a crowd, they aren’t there for you and , typically, could care less. Sure, you might turn one or two people on to your music with every show (that’s kinda the point of being the opening act) but there is no glory to it whatsoever.
Just thinking about a show where some unknown band gets all revved up so they can open for Nicki Minaj or The Foo Fighters at some stadium makes my stomach hurt. Not cause of the opportunity but cause I know they’re going to take the stage at 5 pm to an 85% empty colosseum. It’s inevitably going to be one of those moments where all the excitement you had for the opportunity is drained out of you once you lay eyes on the sea of empty seats and people with their backs turned to the stage. Granted, this show will be a little different, exposure wise, cause it’s on a tv show but still…in REAL LIFE most musicians must eat some shit and , where performing is concerned, it’s called being the opening act. As painful as it is to be that act, I do think is necessary. Living the charmed life of an artist has to have some road blocks or else everyone would do it. Eating shit is something we, as musicians, must endure. It separates the people in it for the long run from the people in it for the moment.
I’m not stranger to this feeling. My first tour ever was in europe in 2003. I was opening for Amon Tobin , Kid koala and Bonobo (At least I think that’s who it as, it’s been a while). Back then, I didn’t have a live show. I hadn’t discovered ableton yet and literally had to learn how to DJ in two weeks. I had always been an “in studio” guy (and a lo-fi one at that) so nothing I did to create my music could be transferred on to the stage. So, what I did was take a bunch of records I had made music on and learned to blend them together…barely. It was a sloppy 35 minutes of me playing songs from my albums and some old Aesop beats. In my head, at the time, it was a huge deal. I was going to be on stage and everyone would be watching me. This was as crucial as it got. Little did I know that , in reality, I could have been just playing my itunes on shuffle and gotten the same response from the crowd.

My very first show was in London. The venue fit around 2000-3000 people. I had never even been to a venue that big to see a show, let alone performed in one. Just doing the sound check, I was amazed. I envisioned my self DJing for a wall of human bodies, all watching me meticulously as I struggled my way through my first live set. Well, as I went on stage, I had my first taste of something I would become all too familiar with. A barren wasteland of a room. A fuckigng host town with a balcony. You know what’s worse than a 2000 person room with no one in it? A 2000 person room with 50 people in it. It’s only then do you realize that not a single person gives a fuck what you’re doing on stage. You could be the sound man’s ipod for all they care. You also realize the value of space. I mean, these huge ass venues go on forever when you can see the floor. Still, I was as nervous as I’d ever been. I’m not lying when I say I almost shit in my pants half way through the set. I hadn’t yet learned that rule of “always take a dump before your show” that most musicians live by. The funny thing is , I could have pulled my pants down, taken a huge dump on stage and kept DJing and I’m pretty sure no one would have noticed.
After the show, I walked around the crowd. It was packed for the headlining acts. I might as well have been a ghost. I sold no merch. It was an all around humbling experience, to say the least.
That first tour (and the few following it) were all pretty much like that with a few random great shows thrown in. But I’m glad I got that experience cause it primed me for what being a touring musician is like. Not every night is going to go off. Hell, almost ten years later and I still have those nights where I’m wondering where all the people are. Or nights where people are literally sitting on stage with their backs to me while loudly conversing with someone else (I swear, i think murder is justified in that situation). It’s all part of the deal. I realize there’s this invented reality that people have for musicians and the life they lead but for most touring artists out there, eating shit is par for the course. It’s all about working your way up, gaining exposure , building audiences in different areas and putting yourself in a better position for future gigs.
The concept of “making it” by via being an opening act is laughable. What we artists have to accept is that, if you’re an opening act, you’re just there to fill time while people shuffle in. They could have hired a DJ, but they hired you instead. No shame in that though, cause we’ve all done it. But if you’re still being the opening act 10 years into your career, it might be time to wrap it up. Simply cause I don’t know how much of that one human’s ego can take.

Answers for questions vol. 100!!!


I can’t believe this is the 100th one…actually, truth be told, it’s not. Somewhere along the line, I brain farted and skipped from vol. 22 to vol. 33…but at this point, it’s too late to turn back now so we’re just gonna roll with this.
In honor of my fake 100th celebration, I decided to dig in the vaults and find some of my favorite questions. Now, these aren’t so much the best questions or the best answers but topics that I enjoyed spouting off about. Some good stories and possible answers to things I reference all the time (like why I hate cats).
But let’s not forget why we’re here…send me questions…leave them in the comments below or email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com

Question: When you were a child, did a cat do something terrible to you?

Ahh yes…My disdain for cats. Allow me to elaborate. First and foremost, I’m allergic to cats. So, knowing that, my enjoyment of them as a pet was already a dead end. I don’t really like any animal that much, let alone one that makes me sick whenever i’m anywhere near it. Not even in the same room! If i’m somewhere where a cat has been recently, my eyes start to itch, my nose starts running and I gotta bounce. So, off the bat, fuck cats. But, ok, let’s be fair. Maybe I don’t know cats that well and need to give them a chance. Here’s the thing, cats are assholes. They are self involved, predatory animals who don’t give a shit about you. I realize every person who owns a cat is reading this and saying “yeah, but not my cat!”. Nope, you’re cats is a fucking cunt just like the rest of them. It’s not his/her fault though, as he/she is a cat. IT’S JUST HOW THEY ARE. You wanna see how much your cat loves you? Stop feeding it. Do the same to a dog. Dogs will still respond to you lovingly, even though they’re hungry. Cats? They’ll be out as soon as they realize the well that is you, has dried up. It’s in their nature.
Ok, so did something happen to me when I was a kid involving a cat? Well…kinda. This one time, I was walking back from school and decided to take a short cut through a back alley. As I got halfway down the alley, a group of cats, wearing leather jackets and carrying switch blades approached me. The meowed aggressively at me but I kept walking. As i tried to hustle by them, the leader ran under my feet and tripped me up. I was now on the ground , surrounded by these mean cats. I offered them my wallet as an exchange to let me go, but that’s not what they wanted. I even was willing to give up the tuna sandwich I had been saving for my after school snack. But no…it wasn’t enough. I don’t wanna get to deep into but let’s just say cat penises are sharp and 8 of them entering you at once is something you will never forget. Since then I’ve been on blah blah blah….No, but here’s something that actually did happen. I was at a friends house after a little league game when I was around 11. I had just got out of the shower and only had a towel around my waist. He thought it would be an awesome idea to throw a cat at my naked back. He did it and instead of just bouncing off me, the cat opted to dig it’s claws into my skin and hang from my back looking like a possessed raver napsack. It hung for what felt like 15 seconds (probably more like 3) and then released it’s claws and vanished. My back was bleeding. Now, I don’t think that’s really what made me hate cats, but it certainly didn’t help.

What is your opinion on the etiquette of texting people back? Are you the type of person who immediately responds to other people and expects a text back if there is still a conversation going? This girl i know will respond maybe 25% of the time, and she justifies this by assuming that the person she is blowing off will assume that she just didnt see it or was busy (she’s hot, so no one calls her on it). Definitely female behavior, but party foul?

I have strong feelings about this as I am a texter. I hate talking on the phone so I try and keep most of my interactions with people to text.
I am 100% a quick responder and someone who expects that same courtesy back.
The way I see it, there are three types of texts and they need to be treated in their own way.
1)A question text.
This is when you text someone with a specific question. Something that is perhaps important and time is of the essence. These texts should ALWAYS be responded to immediately. I get if the other person is busy or away from their phone…but if you’re the type of person who gets a question text , looks at it and doesn’t answer within 5 minutes, there is a special room in hell for you.

2)Shoot the shit texts
These are casual texts , often between a girl and a guy. It’s kinda like an invite to AIM on your phones. If both parties aren’t busy, the responses will flow naturally. If one person isn’t up for it, then they should respond quickly with their excuse and keep it moving. Oh, and these kind of interactions should never end abruptly. imagine all the decent booty call relationships that have been ruined cause of a flirty text message barrage ending abruptly and that one person reading into it wrong.

3)Funny texts
This is when you send someone something funny they just saw, or a link or a pic. The person should respond with their reaction and that’s that.

So, basically, if you have no excuse and want to maintain a level of friendship and respect with the person who texts you, you should always respond in some way within 5 minutes of reading the text. Otherwise, you’re a dickhead. Oh, and that girl you know is a piece of shit.

What’s the worst sex you’ve experienced?
I’d say the worst overall experience that comes to mind was the first time I went down on a girl. I was 15 and dating this punk rock girl. We had been hooking up for a while and no oral sex had happened yet. in fact, it hadn’t even been hinted at. Finally , one night, she went down on me. It was a very 16 year old blow job in that it was awkward and never really went anywhere. It was like my dick was just kinda hanging out in her mouth. Not much movement or anything. Eventually , she just stopped. According to male law that my other 15 year old friends had taught me, this was my cue to go down. It was pitch dark in the room and I had never seen a vagina before let alone had my face in one. I got down there and she was very hairy. I mean , this was the early 90′s and she was on some Riot Grrrrrl shit, so it’s not too shocking. I bushwacked my way through the hair until I found a moist spot and started licking it. I remember it was summer and very humid. Suffice to say, it was like a jungle asshole down there and i was struggling. The thing is, I was completely clueless of the female anatomy at that point. I was just licking it where ever , hoping that my tongue would land on skin, as opposed to a tuft of matted hair. The smell was rough. It smelled like old sweat and fecal matter. I eventually gave up and, I swear, the smell didn’t fully leave my mouth and face for like 5 days.
Years later, when i had the whole pussy eating thing well figured out, it dawned on me that I very likely had been licking that girls asshole. FAIL. I think the funniest thing about that is that she either thought I was a retard or just a REALLY kinky dude who liked licking assholes at age 15. I guess I’ll never know.

If we’re talking actual intercourse, I’ve certainly had my share of short rides but none that were truly that bad. The worst sex I’ve ever had has been with girls who were doing it for the wrong reasons. Like getting back at some dude or because they were lonely and needed a place to crash. I would have rather just not had sex at all.
That or just weirdo girls. There was this one girl i used to sleep with occasionally and it was ok. I guess one time I was entering her from behind and i slipped making my penis poke her butthole. It didn’t even go in it. Not even close. She freaked out (i was drunk and slipped, get over it!) and from then on, her ass was off limits to me. And I mean her whole ass. Like, she wouldn’t let me put my hand on the cheeks. Needless to say, that ended pretty soon after that. If i can’t cup a girls ass, what’s the fucking point? Anyway, I always found that funny cause not matter how much I explained to her I had no interest in that entrance, she wouldn’t drop it. And seriously , I have NO interest in that hole. What a stupid bitch. I hope her and her current boyfriend/husband are having shitty sex right now with their hands tied behind their backs.

Did you ever have first hand experience with Asian gang kids from Chinatown or anywhere else in the city?

I’m not sure If I’ve told this story on this blog before , but I was at a pool hall when an asian gang shot it up. kinda…
I was about 15 and this place Le’Q was one of my favorite hangouts. My friends and I would go there, play pool and video games and get fucked up. There was always an air of danger there but I think I was too comfortable there to really take notice. Lots of Asian gang dudes but also lots of general low lives drinking 40′s and smoking blunts in the basement.
Anyway, one day, I’m there with a few friends and we’re just chilling playing video games. They were high as fuck and I was sober. At some point, they want to get some munchies so we bounce to the corner store. As we’re returning from the store, we’re about 80 feet from the Le Q entrance and I hear a loud fire cracker like sound and see two asian dudes backing out of there blazing machine guns. They jump into a car and screech away. Now, my two friends, are so high, they don’t even fucking notice that a machine gun was just fired well within our audible range. I tell them what happened and they don’t believe me (they were MAD high). We walk to the open door of Le Q to see the smoke clearing. As it fades , I look over and see about 4 people on the ground. Two of them were not moving and two were writhing in pain. There was certainly blood and people were screaming and hiding behind pool tables like wack-a-moles. The people who got shot had been sitting, LITERALLY in the exact same seats we had been in prior to leaving for our snacks. In fact, I’d venture to say the dudes who did it waited for us to leave so they would be able to get a clear shots on their target.
Anyway, We all absorbed this in and it hit us what we had just seen so we sprinted 5 blocks to my friends house. Not sure why we sprinted as the shooters were long gone but I suppose that was a natural reaction to seeing some fucked up shit.Since then, I’ve been pretty adamant about never fucking with asian kids. They don’t play.

Worst job you ever had?

When I was 19, I had just dropped out of College. My parents weren’t happy and I had no intention of going back. At the time, My mom was working as a social worker at a school for disabled kids. Somehow, she pulled some strings and got me a job there. It was a high school and some of the kids were actually older than me. I could go into a long-winded yet uplifting story about how hard yet fulfilling this job was but I’d be lying. While I do think it could have been that way, I was 19. I was in no mind-set to be working that kind of job. Basically, I would get up at 5:30 am (strike one), take the F train to the last stop in Queens and then take a bus (strike 2) , just to arrive at this madhouse full of kids ranging from slightly emotionally disturbed dyslexics to batshit crazy kids that needed harnesses to walk (strike 3 through 8). Again, My 19-year-old brain was not prepared for this. Because I was under qualified , my job was to give special help to this one student in particular. I was basically a less glorified teachers assistant. He had something known as Prader willi syndrome. I’m not 100% sure about all of the characteristics of it but he was highly OCD and emotionally childish. He ate EVERYTHING. In fact, he had a little bald spot on his head from where he scratched and made dandruff fall, that he would then eat off the desks. Worst of all for the kid was that he was never gonna age. He was pretty much just stuck in the body of a pudgy , awkward 13-year-old forever. I felt terrible for the kid but, also, he was a total asshole. I realize that this is entirely due to his condition but , man, I hated that kid so much at that time. His condition was one that made any good deed done to make his life easier completely thankless. He’d scream at me all the time and cry uncontrollably when he didn’t get what he wanted. It was awful. So, yeah, that job sucked. I’m glad I did it in hindsight, but it was completely brutal at the time.

what is proper public bathroom etiquette?
I’m somewhat of a novice with public bathrooms. I’ll pee anywhere but shitting is a different story. With that in mind, lemme see if I can draw up a few guidelines, as I see them.
1)Eyes up top.
Obviously, don’t look at another mans cock while he’s peeing. That goes without saying. But, it’s easily rule #1

2)Not everyone needs to wash their hands after peeing.
With all these toilets that flush on their own now, washing your hands after peeing is somewhat pointless. How dirty is the skin of your dick? So dirty that you need to clean your hands off? Assuming you didn’t piss on your fingers or touch the inside of the urinal, you should be good to go. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it , it’s just shouldn’t be obligatory. I’ve seen people scoff at others who don’t wash their hands after peeing. Fuck them. Learn to piss straight and it’s not an issue.

3)If you gotta go, let it fly
Pretty much all the times I’ve had to let a huge dump out in public were emergencies. Otherwise I wouldn’t be there. When you first approach this situation , I think most people try to be coy about it and attempt to silently slip out the quietest shit known to man. This never works as it just tends to lead to a drawn out farting sequence that sounds like a grade school band tuning their instruments. So, the answer is just to have no shame and let it fly. Shit your brains out. You don’t know these other people. Let them bask in your horrific dump. If you want, hit them with a courtesy flush…or don’t. Again, you don’t know them. Not to mention, we’ve all been there. It may be gross to hear another person do it but , surely, we can all relate.

4) Don’t speak.
Word to No Doubt. When pissing or shitting next to someone, keep your fucking mouth shut. This includes cell phone conversations cause , i’m not looking at you. Maybe I think you’re talking to me. Public bathrooms should be treated like libraries. Keep everything to a whisper. Except for thunderous dumps. That’s out of your hands.

I’m really interested in a post by you about ‘reasoning with dumb violent people’.

I don’t know if there’s a whole post worth in here but I can give some pointers of how I go about it.
1) Make them think they’re not in the wrong
Because they’re dumb and reasoning is not an option, the idea is to appeal to their frightened side and make them think they have a point. Like, “Yes, I understand he stepped on your shoe. That certainly is a murder worthy offense. But you don’t wanna go to jail, right?”

2)Assure them that “everything is ok” and “it’s over”
I suppose this is kinda just some jedi mind trick but by telling them these things they might believe you. I most cases, they are a drunk person looking for a reason to fight someone. This also means their attention could be flipped on you at any second. Just play the calming role and hopefully it will soothe their savage brain.

3)Remove them from the area where the problem is occurring
Much like angry dogs, dumb violent people won’t rest until the thing they’ve set their sights on has been either removed from their line of vision or killed. So, either get that person out of there or get the dumb violent person out of there. Once the coast is clear, they will very likely calm down a bit. buying them a shot (or whatever) seems to go over well as that is like the dumb violent persons mating call as well.

4)If this violence is aimed at you, appeal to their ego
Nothing wrong with being a pussy if some lunatic wants to kick your ass for no reason. Take the L, emotionally. If he wants you to say you’re a pussy in front of his friends, say it. He’s a dickhead, and so are his friends. Losing their respect is far more worth it than getting your ass stomped by a bunch of drunk mongoloids.

What’s the appeal in the sexual conquest of barely legal tail? You mentioned how 18 year olds are generally bad at sex, yet they’re coveted by men (see the howls of anticipation when nubile teen celebs approach 18). Is this due to the simple idea that they’re in their prime physically? Or is it something more primal than that–in the face of their virginal inexperience, there are less expectations as far as sexual gratification is concerned, and the guy is free to go hog wild? I’m really curious what your take on this phenomenon is.

GREAT question. seriously.
I have lots of thoughts on this. There are many different levels to why dudes want young girls,. One is, as you said, how they look physically. I mean, lets not front, they’re toned, their skin is softer, and nothing is drooping yet. That said , I think it goes deeper than just that into the male psyche. I think one of the main things that men love about them is the idea that they’re “Pure”. The idea that they’re getting to touch upon something that hasn’t been ruined by other people yet. The irony of this is that , nowadays, by the time a girl is 18, she’s most likely been through the sexual ringer. Kids today are fucking at a younger age and more “extreme” with their practices (well done, internet porn!).
I think a big part of it is the male ego. Men want to be the first to conquer. And I don’t mean this in a taking virginity kinda way. I mean, the want to be the guy who opens up all these sexual doors to the wide eyed sexual new comer. It’s 100% ego based and I’m willing to bet that plays into this greatly. To be the guy who “turned a girl out” is a big deal to lots of dudes. That said, no one “turns out” a virgin. I’ve never had sex with a virgin. I’ve never wanted to. It seems like no fun and just a lot of extra emotional bullshit to deal with for someone you’re very likely not that attached to.
You’ll sometimes hear dudes talk of virgins like a special prize. But I think that’s just talk. It’s a responsibility. The only thing about a virgin I could see as a huge plus is that you’re 100% sure she’s clean. Cause, the sex itself, is gonna be wack. It hurts her. It’s too tight. Blood. I dunno…doesn’t sound like a good time unless you’re a creep who enjoys inflicting pain on girls.
Much better than virgins are the girls who have had some experiences but none that were great. They’re past the point where it will hurt but not yet to the point where they really enjoy it. That’s when the male ego goes into overdrive and wants to devour.

Regardless, older dudes wanting the hot young girls will never end. We’re just wired to crave what we wanted back in high school. We simply don’t really change that much. I’d say the most important part of that is excepting you’re too old for that shit and moving on.

Answers for questions vol. 99


Good day to you. Another week, more questions. We’re one away from the 100th installment of this and I’m planning a big surprise! Just kidding…I’m not doing anything special…Well…maybe. who knows?
Just in case I don’t , send me more questions. Good questions. Interesting questions. Funny questions. Leave them in the comments below or email me them at phatfriendblog@gmail.com
okaaaaaaay??!?!?!

Does it ever bother you that the majority of your fans are white kids? Being that your doing a type of music that originated from the ghetto, I would assume it would have to irk you a little bit, that black and brown folks don’t bump your shit like white kids do.

Not at all. I think, like most artists, I’m happy to have fans at all. Also, as a white artist, this isn’t that big of a deal to me. I’ve definitely known black artists (not so much recently but back in the day) who would be confused by their mostly white audience but, like I said, a fan is a fan and if you’re making money off music, you shouldn’t be complaining. To be honest, beyond race, I’m way more bummed out when I find out what dipshits some of my fans are via facebook and twitter. I’m sure some of them feel the same way about me though so it’s kind of a moot point.

what is one of your most embarrassing moments everrrr?

That’s tough. Like most people I’ve certainly had my share of embarrassing moments in life…but very few that were soul crushing. I’ve always been a fairly cautious dude so , in general, I don’t really put myself in situations where I’m open to be completely embarrassed. I’m sure I’m forgetting a major one but the thing that pops into my head is something I’m pretty sure I’ve told on this blog already. I was maybe 15 and just chilling in my bedroom watching tv. I had my hand down my pants Al bundy style. My walked in the room, saw that and immediately bounced. I was mortified that she THOUGHT she caught me jerking off when in reality I was just chilling. Dinner time was like 45 minutes after that and I couldn’t decide whether I should confront it and deny it or just leave it be. I opted to leave it alone and that dinner was fucking awkward.
Well, my mom reads this blog sometimes so, hopefully that will clear everything up.
Also, I do have an embarrassing blow job story but , like I said, my mom reads this so it’ll have to stay on ice.

How do you feel about your dad’s art? How do you feel about modern art in general? Do you go to museums?

I’m obviously a fan of my dads art. I mean, it would be weird not to be. I think the thing I like most about it is that he did a little of everything. While many artists just work in one medium, he pretty much used everything he could get his hands on…from paintings, to carving to working with steels to clay. He never got hung up on one thing for too long and never settled on something cause it was the “hip” thing to do.
That said, I really have no taste for modern art. I grew up going to galleries , listening to people bullshit each other about the value of art and it got tired for me at a very young age. It’s not very different from the music scene except it’s even more wide open to interpretation. Meaning, there’s way more room to bullshit. I pretty much threw in the towel on caring about modern art when I was in my late teens. I was working at a gallery for the summer, doing grunt work. I helped them hang an exhibition and just sitting there listening to the gallery owners compare and contrast the different pieces , explaining why one was great and one was terrible, just annoyed me. To me, all that shit was impressive but they looked at everything with such a calculated and trend aware eye that it all just seemed disingenuous.
Nowadays, I avoid galleries and museums partially cause I don’t really care but also cause , for some reason, when I walk inside them I immediately want to go to sleep. If I lived in a gallery, I’d be the best rested person one earth.
For those interested, here’s the website for my dad’s art:
http://sidneysimon.com/

The older i get (I’m 27 now) the closer to flat out shitting my pants i get and the circumstances almost causing this crisis get more bizarre. Hit a bump on my bike, close call. Yawn, close call. Hot girl, close call. Is this a normal function of an aging male and should i accept the fact that I’ll eventually shit my pants in public or should i maybe stop eating stauffers and drinking coffee?

While I’ve noticed an increased urgency in some shits, for the most part, it’s controllable. If you’re 27 and having bowel control issues, it might actually be more than just the coffee and stoeffers. It may be time to get that checked out. Enjoy the doctors fingers in you butt. Good times.
I’ve had a few close calls in my time but they’re always a result of eating too much , too fast or the wrong food. I’m a glutton like that. I’m way more scared of sharts. Those can really sneak up on you and are way harder to control.
One of the funniest moments of my life is based around someone shitting themselves. I was chilling at home when I was like 16 and my brother walked in the door. He swiftly made a b-line into the bathroom only saying ” Shut up and don’t ask questions”. I found that to be a peculiar statement to enter any room without a gun so I figured this would be a perfect time to harass my brother. In fact, had he not said anything, I would be none the wiser. Turns out he had shit his pants…like COMPLETELY shit his pants about 3 blocks away and walked the entire way with a full adult sized dump in his underwear. It’s definitely a “had to have been there” kinda thing but I was on the floor, weeping with laughter when that got revealed.

Seeing as (depending on your early life drug use) you probably remember the 90′s pretty well, how do you think the internet and flash culture (people knowing things in 10 seconds, internet sensations, etc) has affected humor? Was humor better before the internet? Was the world a less annoying place when everybody wasn’t so focused on being ironic and super sarcastic?

Oh god yes. It’s funny that, given all these amazing and easy opportunities that living in 2012 is, we’re far less creative and original than we’ve ever been. Peoples attention spans are completely stunted from all of this. I used to literally sit and read liner noted of my cassette tapes for hours while listening to to music. Now it’s like people spend 5 minutes skimming through an album and immediately form deep opinions on that. Opinion they then vomit out on the internet like they actually are based in any reality whatsoever. That’s just a minor example of how all this technology has kinda numbed us.
As for humor, it works both ways. I think humor has changed because of the internet. On one hand, the shelf life of a joke has been greatly cut down. Things spread around so fast that if you tell someone about some funny link 3 days late they’ll look at you and roll their eyes.
On the other hand, the creation of meme’s and shit like that is interesting to me. It’s a totally new type of humor that didn’t really exist in the 90’s. The internet also enables people who may be unfunny social retards to anonymously be funny online. So, in that sense, it’s somewhat of a creative springboard for many people.
Overall, I think the biggest difference between then and now is how people can hide on the internet. Being anonymous has given a lot of the wrong people false confidence. Whether it be them trolling people or spouting off their uninformed opinions…back in the day, you couldn’t really do that cause there was no public forum for people to do it and not be held responsible. It was the era of actually having to pick up a phone connected to a wall and call someone.

I agree with you that there are plenty of topics that make poor conversation – namely music, drinking and druugs. Nobody cares what you listen to and nobody cares that “cannibal ox” changed your life… fark that. Why do these things that people get so involved in and obsessive over make such terrible topics to shoot the breeze?

Well, on the most base level, it’s cause I’m asking for questions to answer. I’d imagine people just see that and write me whatever pops in their head. But, below the surface, I think it’s cause everyone , deep down, wants to think they share a common bond with someone they admire. I’d imagine my fans, when asking me about certain artists, are simply fishing for approval of their likes/dislikes. Anytime a person asks me “Do you like______?” it’s usually followed by a sentence or two where they either shit on or praise the artist…as if that’s going to effect my opinion on it. I almost enjoy disagreeing with people like that cause , 9/10 times their reasoning for disliking something is some weird emotional hissy fit that’s totally their own problem and not at all based on the value of the music itself.
But, at the end of the day, “shooting the breeze” is what this is. I’m sure I come off like an opinionated asshole sometimes on here (and I’m not saying that’s not kinda true) but it’s all played up for the greater good of the entertainment value of this blog. In reality, I don’t REALLY give a shit about any of this stuff. I’m not losing sleep over what someone in iowa thinks about Necro or what someone in finland thinks about my newest album. All this is just me talking.

Answers for questions vol. 97


Hi everyone. Not that you care but this construction outside my window is now about 3 months in and I don’t think I’ve slept more than 6 hours a night that entire time. It’s sooooooo awesome.
I can feel my transformation into a morning person and , lemme tell you, fuck mornings. Nothing good happens before noon not called “bacon”.
Anyway, I need more questions! Send them my way! Make them fun! interesting! Email me them at: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. I’d also ask that, if someone does leave a question in the comments below, can other readers please refrain from throwing in their two cents? I don’t mind you guys chiming in when the question has already been answered by me but answering it before me kinda defeats the purpose.

Would you rather eat a cookie that tasted exactly as shit would taste, but is still for all intents and purposes a cookie, or a piece of shit of equivalent size that tastes exactly like a cookie?

Depends. Would the piece of delicious shit look like a cookie or look like a shit? Would my body react to the tasty shit chip as it was shit or would it digest it like it were a tasty baked good? Basically, I’d go with whatever didn’t make me sick afterwards. I’ve eaten shrooms enough to know what shit tastes like and , while it’s no fun, it’s doable.
More importantly, I’d be very curious of the source of that cookie tasting shit. I’d assume it’s a girl cause , as we all know, girls shit smell like flowers.

Blockhead Radio
To start things off, we’ll play a song that exemplifies the musical style of Blockhead which features electronica roots, beats made for dancing, straight drum beats, a rhythmic intro and use of modal harmonies.

^That’s pandoras description of Which One of You Jerks Drank My Arnold Palmer

I mention this because I’ve always been curious to how that name came about. Please tell me it was just because an unknown jerk drank your arnold palmer, my pothead friend insists its a clever expose of something.

I wish I could say there’s a story behind it but it was more just a train of thought thing. I was sitting there, mixing the song (that was unnamed at that point) and the name came to me. I just felt like the beat had a very summer-y vibe. I had been drinking lots of arnold palmers that summer and , for some reason, the song made me think of that , plus a robbery. And, viola, there was the title.
In general, I tend to name things whatever pops into my head. There’s almost never a deeper meaning behind the song titles. Sometimes, I’ll get stuck on a song title and eventually just sit there listening to the done song thinking “what does this sound like?” and then just taking whatever that is and obscuring it to some random detail that can work as a song title. It’s either that or inside jokes.m

Seeings how you have toured around in a van or bus a few times, have you been through every US state at least once? Which states haven’t you been to yet? Did any states surprise you with an eclectic selection of bonerable women?

The thing I hate most about traveling is public restrooms because they are disgusting. Which state has the worst public restrooms, and why? Don’t worry about anyone’s feelings here, go ahead and call them suckers out.

Okay…lots of questions…lemme try and answer them one at a time.

I’d say I’ve at least driven through every state (except alaska and Hawaii). There’s a chance I haven’t been through one of the Dakota’s (probably north) but beyond that, I’ve been within them all.
As for bonerable women, I can honestly say that there are hot girls everywhere. That said, the further you go into the center of the country the less frequent they are. Obviously, a place like chicago is chock full of girls and cities in ohio and michigan will shock you with some of the hidden jewels they have. Sometimes those local hot girls are the best cause they haven’t even fully realized how hot they are yet. They’ve been living in the burbs ,fucking losers in the back of pick up trucks their entire life and don’t fully understand the power they could have. It’s like when you see some random girl on the internet who’s insanely hot and then see pics of her with her local boyfriend. Dude hit the jackpot and she doesn’t even realize it.
However , as far as I’ve seen, outside the cities can be somewhat of a wasteland. Like the places between where I would be performing shows. Those types of places where you start to see the effects of fast food everywhere. People are definitely fatter in the middle of the country…they also have kids a lot younger (which probably doesn’t help). As for a state that surprised me, I’ll just say a city instead. Detroit had some shockingly hot girls in it. Both there and girls I’ve met from that area. Who knew it was such a prosperous breeding ground for hot girls?

Now, the worst restroom thing is tough. I can’t definitively say one state has the worst bathrooms in general. It’s more just a case of where in a state the toilet is. If it’s a bathroom mostly inhabited by truck drivers, it’s gonna be horrific. I dunno why but those motherfuckers are animals when it comes to how they treat a bathroom. Maybe it’s all the drugs they’re on but their relationship with shitting is unhealthy. The grossest bathroom I ever saw was while on tour with Aesop about 4 years ago. We stopped in some truck stop somewhere between Colorado and Utah. The bathroom has it’s own separate building that was just two little rooms. I was first on line and went in , only to be greeted by a toilet with so much unflushed shit in it, the shit was higher than the toilet seat. Like a slightly melted ice cream cone. It was the type of thing that meant, at some point, more than a few people opted to stand over this full bowl of shit and just add to the pile.
I took one look and turned around. I had to pee but I wasn’t going anywhere near that fecal mountain. I left and just waited by the door as i watched people walk in, and then run out. It was actually pretty hilarious. Until that one dude went in who was obviously like “Fuck it”, and he did his thing in there. I don’t know whether that guy is gangster or just a disgusting human being. Probably a little of both.

As a hardcore Nets fan I’m always curious to hear your (Knick fan) thoughts on both teams’ recent happenings. The hot topic of late has been whether it’s permissible for long-time Knicks fans, especially those from Brooklyn, to jump ship now that there’s another team in the city. I’m not sure if El-P was ever a big Knicks fan (though I would have assumed so), but he’s been seen rockin the new gear, as has Busta and many other notable or not so notable rappers/celebrities. What’s your take? Is it okay to say “enough with this James Dolan bullshit”, become a Nets fan and never look back? Should Knicks fans tough it out (especially since nothing is assured with a capped-out Nets either)? Is it at all possible to root for both teams, or is that just a pussy solution?

I think people can root for whoever they want. I’ve never been a dude who loves one local team but hates the other. I have my preferences but, when it comes down to it, they’re both my local teams. Obviously, I’d rather the Knicks be the better team cause i have more history with them but if the Nets are dope, that’s cool too. Shit, when the nets were good in the jason kidd era, i was rooting them on in the playoffs.
I’ve seen tons of BK Nets gear around and I kinda think it has more to do with the design than the team. I know El doesn’t watch sports so I gotta think the black and white simplicity of the design and the fact he’s from BK played into that.
The only downside i see is that there are gonna be a lot of hipster dipshits who moved to brooklyn 3 years ago wearing those shirts like it’s their city they’re representing. That’s fine and dandy but I just know there will be an added layer of smugness to it with some of those kids. I think they can go fuck themselves and should be rooting for whatever shitty team they grew up near.

Do you run into a lot of white kids that throw the word nigga around like it’s nothing? And if so, whats your take on white kid’s using that word so freely nowadays?

I’m 35. The only time i see white kids saying “Nigga” is when I’m playing ball at the park and I’m around teenagers. And then, it’s a white kid saying it to his puerto rican friend who’s sitting next to his black friend. These kids truly don’t care and their relationship to the word is something completely different than my relationship with it is. Honestly, I don’t give a fuck who says it. As long as the intention isn’t a negative one, then it is what it is. I wouldn’t personally say it but, like I said, I’m older. I was around when it was unheard of for a white kid to even think of using that word. But beyond anything, it’s not my place to say who can and who cannot say that word. That’s really on black people. If they’re offended by some white teenager calling his white friend “my nigga”, that’s totally understandable. I support their right to not like that. And any white who says that word should also respect that , if they’re gonna use that word, there are people out there who with justifiably be offended by it.
But , me personally? I don’t give a shit. I don’t even blink when I hear that word coming out of anyone’s mouth unless there’s a hard “r” at the end. I’m not really the type of person who gets offended on behalf of another person in situations like that. Unless it’s obvious racism, it’s just a word to me.

Would you rather get pounded in the ass by a girl wielding a strap-on or get pounded in the ass by a guy, also via strap-on? Keep in mind the dude has his weiner taped back so it isn’t slapping into your balls or anything like that.

Does it really matter? In both cases, it would be a rape. It would hurt and I’d hate every second of it. I suppose the guy would be more powerful and , therefor, more violent but , at the same time, the last thing I want would be for someone to make love to me with a strap on. Basically, I’d pick whoever finished quickest.

Behold my childhood art Part 2


A few weeks back, I unearthed some artistic gems I drew when I was somewhere between the ages of 9 and 10. I found a box of my own version of garbage pail kids and figured “Hey, these are insane, I might as well share them with people…”
Here’s part 1:
https://phatfriend.com/2012/07/05/behold-my-childhood-art-part-1/

So, here are some more of them…It’s no wonder my mom sent me to see shrink when I was 4…

“Walter Fountain”

Get it? Walter sounds like “water”. Again with the vomiting. In fact, a full on fountain of barf! Maybe it’s cause I wasn’t old enough to be into girls and sex jokes but it’s clear that bodily fluid humor was the best thing one earth to me.


“Strek Zeak” AKA Streak Zeak

Zeak looks like he’s running is absolute terror. Perhaps it’s cause he doesn’t have any genitals? Just a rectangle flap of skin where a penis would normally be. However, he does have strange body hair and a belly button you could fit a roll of quarters inside. Oh,and in case you weren’t sure, he’s naked as explained by my arrow pointing from the word “naked”.


“Perfect Pete”

I was a terrible student my entire life so I’m sure, when I drew this one, it hit close to my heart. I mean, where does this cocksucker get off knowing what 10 plus 10 is? Luckily , his classmates must have been more like me cause they were whipping paper airplanes and what appears to be a baseball at him. Also, I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure he’s holding a trapper keeper. Perfect Pete WOULD be one of those types.


“Fred Fright”

First off, I’m super proud of young me for knowing how to spell “fright”. I woulda guessed otherwise. Secondly, how adorable is Fred? There he is, standing by a bunch of lit old timey bombs from the civil war and all he can do is kinda look like a big eyed goon. I’m assuming, that’s his fear face. Also, notice the one bomb with the super long stem. Why not, right? That’s the “just in case these other bombs don’t work” bomb.


“Buck Teeth”

You can tell that I wasn’t happy with the initial length of his teeth so I added a second extension. This dude has teeth extensions. He also seems to have clear teeth as you can see him belt line right through them. Buck is all sorts of fucked up. At least he had a cool mohawk. That is obviously there to divert peoples attention from his 4 foot long clear teeth.


“Ann Kle”

The pun master killing the game once again with the brilliant “Ann Kle” Cause, she broke her ankle…why not? I’m assuming she’s a ballerina…and she’s also bald. I’ve noticed I wasn’t into drawing hair. So, bald headed hoes it is. I think my favorite part about this one is her elephant man like left hand. That shit is a straight up tennis racquet.


“Tall Paul”

How tall is Tall Paul? Oh, only the same height as one of the fucking twin towers. Yeah, he’s pretty fucking tall. He also has really skinny arms and needs glasses. The glasses kinda make sense though cause, when you’re a giant of Paul proportions, seeing anything smaller than you must be an issue. It would be like a human living in an ant farm that was expected to be able to see what the hell was going on with those damn ants all day.

Song of the day 7/27/12


Four Walls By Eddie Holman
http://www.sharebeast.com/su38p6i072wz

I’m pretty sure this was probably one of the first “song of the day” songs I ever posted and with good reason. It’s probably one of my all time favorite songs. I’m also pretty sure that link has been dead for years as Zshare tends to work like that. i figured it would be cool to repost this cause , for one, it’s an amazing song and , secondly, there’s more of a story to it since the last time I posted it.

Around the time I was making “The Music Scene” album, I was deeply obsessed with this song. I didn’t want to sample it cause that tends to ruin songs for me (it’s overkill from a listening perspective) but I wanted to somehow incorporate it. I had the idea of doing a cover of it. Thing is, while I know some singers, I didn’t want to simply try and have some person sing it all normally over a beat. It needed to be different in order for it to not only make it work within the context of the album, but also not ruin the original song for me as a fan.

So, after some consideration, I hollered at my boy Wilder Zoby , of the group Chin Chin. I knew he was nice with the vocoder and a vocoder version of “four walls” would be exactly the right move. Not only would it sound cool but it also would fit perfectly into the theme of “The music scene”. At the time, Autotune was huge in pop music. You couldn’t turn on the tv or radio without hearing some non-singer singing via a computer program. Seeing as my album was somewhat to an ode to how shitty the music scene had gotten, it was a perfect plan to throw on a song using a vocoder (something EXTREMELY different than Autotune but, to the average ear, fairly similar). I knew, once that song was up , some people (shitty music critics and youtube commenters)would jump all over it on some “I can’t believe blockhead is doing a song with autotune!”. That idea was funny to me so that fueled the fire of wanting to get the song done.
So, it happened. Wilder Came in a knocked it out the park. The result was this:

A song that didn’t ruin the original in my eyes , but still works on it’s own. Is it better? Fuck no. But at least its different. Oh and I also got great satisfaction from the times people did diss the song for me trend hopping auto-tune. SUCCESS.