Sex raps are not for everyone. They came in many shapes and sizes. From Blowfly to Two live crew to Lil Kim to Necro…the history of sex raps goes back as far as the music itself. It ranges from funny to all out gross and it’s typcially not for most people. Hell, I made a sex rap song with my friends when I was a 17 year old with barely any sexual experience under my belt. It’s just something many rappers do. I’ve always found it to be the great equalizer to the nightmare that is rap love songs. Save that bullshit for R&B guys.
So, Allow me to introduce you to Cupcakke. She’s…well…gross as fuck. And I kinda love it. She’s funny and crass. I’m all about some over the top shit and this falls right into my wheelhouse.
But, yeah, heads up…this is NSFW and don’t play it around your goddamn children.
This first song should be your bedroom anthem…if you’re a total low life. For the record, I support that lifestyle. The fact she says she doesn’t wanna fuck up her nails so she’ll pick up the dick with some chop sticks makes my heart swoon.
Drug raps. Once Dr. Dre Opened the door, it wasn’t long before every rapper who liked weed had a pot anthem or album covers that was shot amidst the fog of blunt smoke. Very few other drugs have been accepted into rap as something people would admit to doing. Del Took Mushrooms. So did Eminem and Xzibit. Lots of rappers pop mollies and sweat. recently, Lean and pills have been more openly rapped about lovingly. Hell, even cocaine has had it’s moments thanks to rappers like Gunplay who say shit like “Lost five pounds in the last five hours, I got a photo shoot, still tootin’ chowder”.
But, there are still those drugs rapper doth not speak of, as users. Namely, Heroin , Meth and Crack. I suppose these drugs are the last three that people should be embarrassed to do. Well, it’s time to scratch Crack off that list cause Eastside Crackhead is here…and he’s rapping about loving crack.
Here we have a guy who’s asking all the rappers who claimed to sell crack, “gimmie a taste”.
Now, this song is clearly jokes. Kind of like the crackhead version of Dirt Nasty’s Dropping Names, but the thing is , looking at this video, I’m kinda thinking this guy might be the real deal. I’ve seen my fair share of crackheads in my life and, well, this guy fits the bill. There are some legit funny crackheads out there. This dude is hilarious and not in a “laughing at you” way. He’s actually got jokes. Now, if I’m wrong and this guy is not , in fact, a crackhead…well, he’s a good actor. He’s also a weirdo for deciding that would be his niche but I guess it makes sense when you’re looking for youtube hits.
Regardless, Eastside Crackhead probably won’t ever put out another video but, really, it’s not necessary. He’s already cornered the market.
So, all my timelines have been flooded with Slim Jesus. Normally, he’d be an easy target for this column. Yes, it’s ridiculous. Yes he’s a child clown. These are both truths. But, more than anything, he’s just an example of how white people are way too comfortable. Like, he should’t be allowed to do this by his friends. They should have stopped him. Unless it’s a Locomotive Kurt situation, in which case, I guess it makes sense. But, to be honest, this kind of fuckery is so common place that there’s not much left to say about it. The over the top whig wave of rap has been going on forever and Slim Jesus is just it’s next logical step. I’d rather put eyes on another kind of white person being way too comfortable…JLAMONE.
Look at this fucking guy. While Slim Jesus is doing that same old “waving guns and talking about my skwad” shit, JLAMONE out here bout to go to Montauk and do coke with 17 year old girls with good fake id’s.
Rap has come a long way. Once being authentic was stripped away as a thing people held dear, it really opened the doors for pretty much anyone who’s ever thought of rapping to chime in. Like this guy. He strikes me as a dude who gets bottle service at a club and raps to his drunk friends in the booth they’re sitting in. I bet , when drunk, he loves freestyling. In fact, I have a feeling most of this song is off the top of the head cause what else could it even be?
In a different life, maybe he woulda been one of those grindtime battle guys. But, unfortunately for his rap career (but fortunately for his life) he was probably born into a life of means where rapping wasn’t a realistic option. He reeks of upper east side Manhattan (I went to school with dozens of him) but i could be wrong. I mean, he’s repping Harlem in this with his two puerto rican friends but I got a feeling he just crossed 96th street to get that shot then ran back down to park ave as soon as it was done. Again, this is just a hunch.
Much like Slim Jesus, there seems to be a lack of friends in the world telling him to stop. I don’t know if that’s the coddling society we live in or if his friends are also assholes. It’s hard to tell. One thing is certain though, there isn’t an ounce of shame in his body. He’s all in. He’s VERY happy with himself. His level of contentment is something most normal people can only dream to attain. And all he did was make a terrible rap song and a video. Man, entitlement is amazing, isn’t it? Thing is, he’s having so much fun, i don’t even think I’m mad at it. I’m mad at society for allowing it to exist but him? Not really. Good for him. He’s not hurting anyone. Besides, his hair is gorgeous. I wanna brush it like a my little pony doll while he tells me insider stock tips and explains why Tupac is the greatest rapper of all time.
Listen, no one is getting any younger. We all have hopes and dreams that will never be fulfilled. Especially of the artistic variety. I’d imagine, back in the day, men in their mid/late 30’s who still had that ember burning inside them to become rock stars would gather the other local dads and join a band. Perhaps they might play a few shows at a local pub, to the minor annoyance of every one of their friends forced to come out and support that. In fact, that surely is still a common thing. But, in the youtube age, who needs a band? All you need is a song and a camera. Not only can you make the music you always wanted but you can also spread it to a wider audience than you ever imagined. To downside of that is that that audience is most likely laughing at you ,not with you. Let’s be honest, that’s entire basis of this reoccurring column on my blog. Delusional people making music for the masses.
In case of Sean Fury, he’s not less talented than your average shower singer. He’s not terrible like Ice JJ fish or the “Why must I cry” guy. Not even in the same spectrum as those guys (To start, he’s not learning disabled). But what makes him special is that he is a salesmen.
Watching this video , it’s clear his heart is behind what he’s doing. From the dance moves to the serious glares into the camera all the way to song , which is clearly about a girl he’s probably in love with. By the way, she’s bi-racial. Sean Fury has the passion. So what if he looks like a dude who does IT and dressed for his video like he was on his way to pick up some bagels from Costco? The dude means what he says.
Sean Fury is every man. He’s just like you or me. Sometimes Sean Fury gets too drunk and acts out but he regrets it the next day. He’s a loving father (I’m assuming). Sean fury loves his dog. Sometimes, he enjoys a beer while watching a sporting event with his friends. Sean Fury is no stranger to a hearty laugh. If you got hit by a car, Sean Fury would the first guy to pull out his cell phone and call 911. Even before he snapped a pic! He’s a flawed but , ultimately, a good man just trying to live his life. Only thing missing? A bi-racial girl. Well, I’m rooting for him to find the Lisa Bonet to his Lenny Kravitz. Cause he deserves love just like the rest of us.
And in case you feel like criticizing the dude, here’s his answer to all that noise…
I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m late to the game when it comes to “Skip Skip Slide”. I’m also completely unaware of what is going on with it. Is it real? Is it a joke? Is it music for kids? Is it high art? Honestly, it could be all those things cause I truly have no clue what the fuck is going on. I’m gonna look at it two possible ways.
First let’s watch it…
Theory #1: It’s a joke
Now if this is a joke, these kids are amazing. I don’t even know what they’re parodying or if they’re even parodying anything at all but the end result is more fucked up than the movie “Happiness”. From the music itself, that seems to go out of its way to be without an actual rhythm so the raps that have no choice to be off beat , due to the music that has no rhythm. I think the music itself is the best case for this being a joke. I mean, who on earth would make that track and be like “We should make a song to this!”? It just doesn’t seem plausible. It might as well be free jazz. Outside of that, I can’t really call it.
I will say, if this is indeed a joke, these kids are the future of comedy and should have their own show on Adult Swim. Fuck it, if this is a joke, they should play their work in a museum. It’s that good.
Theory #2: This is totally real
Okay, let’s ignore the music itself and look at what’s going on in the video. This is music seemingly made for small children. It could very well be made by some completely out of it christian group who’s never heard music before. That’s possible.
Looking at the video, we have a teen boy who looks he’s related to the murderer from the movie “Manhunter“. This kid has been friendzoned into oblivion by his five female buddies. Like, in all reality, he’s in love with at least 3 of them and they probably think he’s a eunuch. That’s pretty rough. Then we got this whole tickling angle. A clear ploy for billy the friendzoned kid to cop feels in a subtle way. I bet the feeling of his tickling fingers grazing against those girls forearms is masturbation fuel for the next 15 years of his life. But, let’s not forget, this song is for kids and the video is 100% made to be non-sexual.
Another thing I can’t ignore is the saxophone guy. An older gentleman who’s very likely the leader of the whole cult who made this. Perhaps that creep is responsible for the music itself. It can only have been made in a dungeon of some sort. There’s no way sunlight was present during the making of this song. I gotta think, he’s the ringmaster to this circus and his intentions are pure evil. He seems like the type who carries a bible around everywhere but will also put his hand on the knee of a young teen for an inappropriate amount of time. In fact, the chorus of this entire song could be a veiled explanation of his method of seduction.
Walk walk walk (to my van)
Skip Skip Skip (to my basement)
Tickle….YEAH!
It’s all so clear.
And, to add to the darkness, this other video of theirs really drives home my worst fears. Satan is real.
So, yeah…I really hope theory 1 is right cause, if it isn’t ,someone needs to alert the authorities immediately. Surely, those five girls are probably missing and that kid has already done something he never thought he was capable of. It’s all so very dark.
We’ve reached a point in popular rap music where being overtly moronic isn’t a bad thing. In fact, I’d say some of these rappers look at the concept of “caring” as a weakness, in terms of rapping, and they are typically far more intelligent than the music they make. I get it. Simplicity has always been under valued yet incredibly successful. For every Beach Boys song, there’s a ramones song you’d probably rather listen to. That said, there is a line. A line that separates the hitmakers from local weirdo’s who have a video on youtube.
For instance, the other day, I found myself watching this video. I’ve never heard of the guy but my first reaction was “this is a cool beat with a simple video that isn’t breaking ground but it captures a vibe”. As i listened to it more, it became clear this guy basically speaking gibberish to a girl about fucking her. But it’s not about that. It’s about the mood it emotes. So, as completely empty as that song is, it does succeed on some level. I bring that video up to really put this other video in perspective.
The song is called “All on” and it shares all the romance and poignancy of the “Shorty lemme fuck you outside” guy.
But there’s a stark contrast between the two. For one, the music itself. I’m a dude who makes beats and I think I have a concept of how rhythm works. This beat is insane. And not in a good way. Like, it’s locked in a padded room , smearing shit on the walls insane. Aside from the typical fart of a bass line, the drums are just on some next level shit. I’m still trying to figure out why the snare falls where it does and whether or not the producer was familiar with how snares work in the context of a drum track. So, off the bat, “shorty lemme fuck you outside” guy has a clear advantage. It’s an advantage of taste and awareness. Those two things are typically the difference with this kind of music. La fear seems like he hasn’t heard music before but someone described rap to him while he was locked in solitude for 30 years. In his defense, his off beat rapping isn’t his fault. There is no fucking beat to rap too. It’s almost avant guarde. Maybe he sampled Phillip Glass or some shit? is that like a 3/57 time signature?
The third glaring difference is the video itself. If you’re gonna film in the aisles of a 7-11, it’s gotta be cause you wanted too and not cause it was your only option. Same goes for filming at the local auto body shop and on that jungle gym. We can tell the difference. If you’re gonna have strippers in your video, perhaps let the ones who had a baby two weeks ago sit this one out?
Listen, I get that we work with what we have I’m certainly not mad at this song or video. In fact, I love that it exists. I’d even argue that there is as much artistry in this song as there are in most French Montana or Cheef Keef songs. Clearly, those two artists are far more in the loop and have people behind them who would never let them make a song like that but I truly don’t think that much space separates them. On is polished, the other truly doesn’t give a fuck. La fear is just…well…out of it. Maybe he made this song and video during a bender of weed, syrup and booze. For all I know, he doesn’t even know it’s on the internet. But there is something beautiful about the purity of songs and videos like this.One thing is for certain, you could never call La fear pretentious and, to me, that’s a great quality.
Here we have Houston rapper Viper. He’s got the dark corners of the internet buzzing.
He raps as if he’s nervously inhaling while telling a secret. His videos are shot on cameras that I’m fairly certain don’t exist anymore. That said, he can dunk a basketball (This is something I will always respect in any musician. I’m not even remotely joking) and he’s got a pretty girl in his video who, although she can’t sing, at least looks nice on a jungle gym.
Again we are faced with something in which I honestly can’t call. Is it real? is it a joke?
Andy Kaufman really fucked with our heads. So much so that I feel as though we are forced to question everything. For every Riff Raff, there is a “It’s so cold in the D”. And who are we to say what is and isn’t art? I would even argue that , if this is made in earnest, it’s as pure as art gets. Much like Daniel Johnston or Wesley Willis. Crazy people are not influenced by things outside their own minds. Sure, they draw inspiration from all over but, creatively, the mentally ill are some of the most amazing minds you will come by. Now, is Viper one of these guys? I have no clue. I’m leaning towards no cause, well…he just doesn’t come off as crazy. More just oblivious. Either way, it’s special in some way or another.
Hmm…Levels.
Here we have a german man in his mid to late 30’s who is clearly joking. Good lord, I hope he is joking. It’s one of those cases that, even though you get the feeling it’s tongue in cheek, there is still something palpably terrifying about it. Is it because he’s german? Maybe. It’s hard to not picture this guy being into some truly creepy shit. That all carhart outfit. Those glasses. His head. His teeth. His blonde and thinly shaped soul patch alone is like the facial hair equivalent of a “do not enter” sign. This guy looks like someone who wouldn’t get casted in one of those “Hostile” movies cause it would be “too obvious”.
What else can really be said about this? I’m just glad the lyrics got posted. It will make memorizing this entire thing and rapping it to completion that much easier. Thanks Morettisan!
Side note: This song officially teaches us the there is no way to flow when saying the name “Meartin”. If I could, I would just loop him saying that name over and over again and make a beat out of it.
You know, I’ve been pretty dismissive of lots of european rap over the years. Admittedly, this is more of a personal taste thing. I don’t really hate it, I just don’t find myself wanting to listen to it. Because of this , I don’t try to focus on it much when finding ridiculous rap. It’s pointless and tends to just start arguments with people online I really don’t care to be having.
That said, every now and then, you get thrown a jewel. A reader submitted this artist to me and , man…thank you ,bro.
The Assassin comes to us from Cork Ireland. He’s..umm…kinda old. Well, lemme allow him to introduce himself to you
Okay, now that you’ve met and you have a little background. Let’s check out the music.
So, this is where it gets confusing. Is this some elaborate Tim and eric skit? Or is this real? As always, I’m torn. Cause While I think this would be a genius goof, I feel as though it’s definitely not. Which leads me to the same sad feeling I get watching “American Idol” auditions , when they cart out some obviously deranged person so laugh at.
Now, this guy doesn’t seem deranged as much as he’s just misguided. He’s no worse than some 55 year old dad who starts a band with some other 55 year old dads who, in the back of their minds, think they still got a chance to make it.
It’s kinda sad cause the videos obviously cost money. His songs ( “champion” in particular) are crafted to be some sort of Eminem like anthem. As if he envisioned this playing at soccer games or something. I mean, his fuckign sweatshirt says “Money” on it. So you know it’s serious biznassss.
I dunno. Wildly delusional people have always fascinated me. It’s an special skill to mute everything that goes on around you and proceed forward. While I can’t be in the same room with them in real life, watching them on my computer is like s sociological orgy in my mind.
This guy could be far more innocent than that though. He could just be a guy doing this for the love. Which is fine. No harm in that. I think what gets me the most about it is the time and effort he put into the promotional side of things. I wish I had that kind of gumption!
Whatever the case, The Assassin exists…and he’s here to win.
I’ve done a handful of these “This week in ridiculous rap” columns before. Typically it’s some over the top crazy thugged out shit or some generally embarassing cornball shit.This week, we have something that pretty much broke my brain. The phrase “this is why we can’t have nice things” pops in my head while viewing this video. It makes me think about the forefathers of rap music, creating a genre of music without really being aware of their own influence at the time. Years later, they could look back with great pride and think “holy shit, look what we helped start!”. Hearing Rakim for the first time or listening to “Low end Theory” when it dropped, with the look on their face like a proud father.
Then, something like this comes along and I bet they’re like “What have we done!?!?!” *commits hari kiri suicide*
It’s hard to find words for this. This is outsider rap made by someone who’s an outsider to the outsiders who also lives in Australia (or New Zealand). It’s just…wow. Just watch…
I know, right?
So many questions.
How can something be so futuristic and so much like a caveman at the same time? How can a rapper dress like an off duty magician?
And finally, has Epic met his match? Who’s Epic, you say?
Oh, lemme show you.
i can’t honestly say which one is more insane but the fact it’s close speaks volumes.
Carry on my wayward son.
Shout out to 907 from the philaflava board for putting me on to this guy. Amazing stuff.
If you know of a rapper that makes your brain hurt in a bad way, lemme know. Email me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com and tell me all about what the bad man did to you.
