10 things I learned by arguing politics on the internet

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Man, I’ve never been a person who gave politics much thought. Sure, things would come up here and there but, in general, I always viewed it as some “it’s out of my hands” type thing where all I can do is sit back and watch what happens. While I still feel that way, recent events have been hard to ignore and the repercussions, in my opinion, could be dire for the country I live in. Not since 9/11 have I been this glued to the news. Every day , it feels like a new unchartered level of craziness is being achieved so, admittedly, it’s been hard to just sit back and not say anything, even if I am just adding to the cacophony. Now, I could take the easy route and just post things on my personal facebook wall. A place where not a SINGLE person I know disagrees. Literally. I don’t know one Trump supporter. No extended family, no old high school friends….no one. I’m admittedly DEEP in the bubble. So, me posting some shit on there is basically like giving cupcakes to a guy already eating brownies. Nope, instead, I chose to do the even dumber thing and post about it on my public social media. My twitter, instagram and Facebook page. I know…I’m a fucking idiot. Granted, it’s not like I’m constantly writing anti-Trump rhetoric but, you know, it comes up here and there.

Now, arguing with people on the internet is nothing new to me. I started my existence on the internet in the mid 90’s, arguing about rap with people in chat rooms and newsgroups. And, truth be told, that could get heated at times. However, politics is a totally different game. People are passionate about their beliefs. Perhaps cause real things are at stake, as opposed to me trying to claim Ras Kass verse on “Comwiddit” is the work of genius in 1995.

Over the past year or so, my engagement in political discourse online has been eye opening. I’ve learned a lot. I figured, it might be fun to share that with you.

1)No ones mind has ever been changed via an online argument
“political discourse” online is like a friend who asks you for relationship advice with no intention of listening to you. They just wanna talk about their feelings and need to you be brick wall in which they blather to. What you say, no matter how on point and valuable, won’t even penetrate the first layer of their mind cause they already know how they feel. They just need someone to listen to them.
With political arguments online, no one who was staunchly on one side has ever heard someone say something that made them rethink their entire viewpoint. It just doesn’t happen. So,in it’s essence, arguing politics online is useless. But we’re all human beings so we can’t control these urges. i know I can’t.

2)Everyone pulls from dubious news sources
On both sides of the coin, people will reach. For every time someone has come at me with a fox news or a brietbart link to “prove” a point, i’ve seen countless liberal people on my facebook wall post salacious headlines from random left wing blogs that are just as questionable. While “Don’t believe everything you read” has always been a sentiment , nowadays, it seems to be a lifestyle for many. Trump’s anti-media crusade has truly convinced people that you can’t trust ANYONE. Not BBC, Not Rueters, Not the Washington post. Nothing. And, while that is a crazy and dangerous thing to push into the mind of the public, the fact of the matter is that people are gonna go with the news that suits them. Whatever fits their agenda. Left and right wing people.

3)Right wing dudes got bad memes ON DECK
When you start a political discourse, there are a few types of people you come across. A person who wants to try and have a civil discussion (“Try” being the operative word here), people who just wanna come in and barf their opinions all over the place with no regard, and people who are there to troll. Now, to be fair, both sides troll the other. I think it’s what happens when you’ve run out of constructive things to say and also realize that arguing is futile at this point. So, instead…they opt to rabble rouse. One thing I’ve noticed is that right wing trolls got memes on deck. Particularly on twitter. Some guy started with me the other day and, within moments, my interactions were flooded with stupid memes aiming to rattle my weak liberal frame.
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A few things can be learned from this…
Morons know how to use photoshop
Conservative memes lack that humorous punch

The same guy who sent those to me, had sent them to a bunch of people which leads me to another point…

4)There are people who sit around all day on the internet SEEKING out political arguments with strangers

This is the craziest shit to me. I’ve never really understood hash tagging. I mean, I get it’s purpose and see why people do it but it’s always been kinda corny to me. I’ve only ever done it ironically. HOWEVER, there are literally people who sit around , looking on their phone, following hash tags and then arguing with people they don’t know. I’ve noticed this most on twitter and instagram. Someone with 45 followers will post something with a hashtag like “#dumptrump” and their timeline will be flooded with people with american flags or pictures of an eagle fucking an arab child to death with a dick made of the constitution as their profile pic, blathering redneck nonsense about whatever the issue of the day is. Now, to me, seeking out strangers to argue with is such a weird, sad and lonely concept. It’s just an extension of trolling, which is really at the heart of most political discourse online but still…it just seems EXTRA pathetic.

5)Right wing people love a good nickname for liberals
Libtard, Cuck, Hillbot, snowflake…
These dudes LOVE to take those nicknames and run with them.
To me, the funniest one is Cuck cause the real meaning is so funny to me. A cuckold is when a submissive dude is forced to watch his wife have sex with another man. (generally they specifically mean a more “manly” man with a bigger dick who can fuck his wife in a way he can’t. Often a large black man).
Now, the idea of some doughy white guy with a micro-penis watching his wife get her back blown out by some young stud is hilarious to me. But I do find it ironic that , somehow, liberals got attached to that word cause, let’s be honest, who’s doughier and whiter with more micro-penises than your average right wing conservative? It just so clearly seems like something they’d be into way before liberals would. I dunno. When i think of dudes with weird sexual festishes involving humiliation, I tend to think of powerful , old white men. You know… the type who might like to get pissed on in Russia or something.

6)Being uninformed is okay
I literally had a dude try and tell me Obama’s birth certificate was fake…in 2017. I’m in no way claiming to be a beacon of information here. hell, I just made a joke about Trump being pissed on right above here and that’s completely unproven. But the way in which people hear something that may or may not be true, buy into it 100% and mangle the message to fit their agenda is spectacular. That is politics on the internet in 2017.

7)Trump people all kinda look alike and live alike
With the exception of a few people (one latino dude on my facebook page. whattup ron! and a random female), every time I’ve clicked to see what a trump supporters facebook page looks like it’s the same person. First off, white dude (duh), mid 20’s-early 30’s, always has a kid or two, and his page is obsessively filled with anti-liberal memes. A slight variation of that is the non-Trump supporter who thinks Hillary is “just as bad” or worse. This is also strictly a white male, slightly younger than the trump supporter, they also have a kid and their page is filled with links to youtube conspiracy videos and weird memes about mind expansion. Also, weed. Unfortunately, these two types of dudes make up about 35% of this country so there’s no shortage of them. Also, when they get older, they get even dumber and more volatile.

8)Liberals are whiney and hypersensitive. it’s true.
I realize I’ve been shitting on conservatives here this whole time but, you know, they’re the opposition to me so what do you expect? That said, i try and be a fair man and I can admit when my side isn’t doing things right either. Liberals have thin skin. I think the reason that is, is cause to be a liberal, there’s a part of you that feels you’re 100% on the right side of right and wrong. There’s an air of cocky justice some liberals wear on their sleeve. This makes them easy to rattle. Liberals ALWAYS take the bait and Conservatives love to feed it to them. Watching that dude Milo yiannopoulos on Bill Maher the other day, it was so crazy to see how mad he made everyone. I mean, i get it…the dude is a total fucking asshole with insane opinions but he’s CLEARLY just existing to get under peoples skin. He figured out that it’s easy to make a liberal blow a gasket if you say some outlandish shit then act dismissively towards them. That’s all it is. He’s basically the poster child for trolling. And the fucked up thing is that , when liberals fall for the bait, they try to use reasoning and rational thought to combat it which feeds into it even more. The only way to combat those kinds of people is to roll your eyes and talk to them like their 5 year old. Dismiss them. To engage is to let them win.

9) Anyone who’s ever written #MAGA! or a variation of that statement is a fucking idiot.
The lowest of the low. Blindly following the catch phrase of a total crazy person created to feed the fears of morons.
The people that post that are always the worst, most uninformed and outspoken people you will come across. I refuse to believe that anyone would type that without a tiny bit of irony. Even the most right wing wingnut.
I often think it’s more used for specifically for trolling but, still, if you truly ride with that catch phrase, you’re a stupid motherfucker. Straight up.

10)What “we” care about and “they” care about is different
Liberals are the party of social issues. Human rights, equality, the environment. Conservatives care more about business, foreign policy,following the constitution, religion, “freedom” and some vague idea of “America” as this fallen country that needs reviving. Because of this, both sides will never meet eye to eye. While one side is arguing gender roles the other is thinking about oil. They just aren’t even in the same universe. Because of this, it becomes incredibly hard to find common ground. I’m sure there are plenty of conservatives who don’t give a shit who marries who or agree that woman should receive equal wages to men…but they’re far more concerned with their right to bear arms and some mythical idea that a mexican in Texas is gonna take their job in Michigan. It’s all perspective. No one lives another persons life so , while some dude in Montana who’s never left his town and has only dealt with one kinda person his entire life might be freaking out cause he saw a muslim guy in the airport, I might be equally dismayed at the sight of that same guy from Montana walking up to me if I was camping in the woods…cause my city ass assumes anyone walking around the woods alone is an axe murderer. We all have our things.

I think the bottom line of all these things can be summed up like this:
Arguing politics on the internet is 100% pointless and it gets neither side closer to what they want. That said, that doesn’t mean it’s not fun. So enjoy yourself you filthy cucks.

What’s for you isn’t always for me.

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A couple times a year I get into a conversation with someone who loves weed. Inevitably, the conversation sways towards me and my intake of the substance, where I regretfully inform said weed lover that I , in fact, do not partake. This is typically met with a face of disbelief and a noticeable physical retraction from the other person. What follows is not unlike a senate hearing where I am asked a rapid fire bunch of questions , where the weed enthusiast tires to either disprove that I actually do not enjoy smoking weed or find out why. The “It’s not for me” response is never enough for them. So, i go on to tell them about how I used to smoke weed regularly in my 20’s. I had a window where I loved it. I would smoke, freestyle with my friends, eat a shit ton of terrible food and then watch tv or listen to music. In it’s essence, that’s what weed was good for with me. Those specific things. Everything else? Not so much. I never enjoyed it socially and it never made me feel smarter or deeper. In fact, it made me feel like a complete idiot 95% of the time. As i grew older, it got less fun and more uncomfortable. It fucked with my sleep. It made me anxious. Around 28 I decided “fuck this shit” and stopped. Since then, I have tried it maybe once or twice a year just to be sure it hasn’t turned around for me. The last time I smoked. I almost had a panic attack. So, when the weed lover hears all this, they immediately go into how weed has changed and the different strains that do different things yada yada yada. This is generally where I stop them and say “hey man, it’s cool…I don’t have to smoke weed for you enjoy it”. And that kinda brings me to a point. We , in general, are obsessed with wanting everyone to feel and see things how we see them. When someone has a differing view point, it often rattles our fragile ego and leads to someone trying to shove their ideals down another persons throat even more.

Like, say I love Dr. Browns Cel-rey Soda (I do). I offer you a sip, you taste it and spit it out immediately cause it’s some soda made from celery. I would be crazy to try to then convince you that, even though your mouth rejected it, it’s actually amazing. No, the proper thing to do is shrug it off and accept that Cel-rey is an acquired taste. Here’s the thing….everything is an acquired taste. Chocolate is an acquired taste. Sex is an acquired state. A mothers unconditional love is an acquired taste. So, we gotta stop trying to force our own shit down other peoples throats.
Recently, Trump made statements about how people who burn the flag should lose citizenship or go to jail. Obviously, he’s a complete moron and lunatic but the point remains. He feels this way, so everyone else should too. And, to be fair, this works both ways. Liberals are no less guilty of this mindset either. cause it’s human nature to want other people to agree with you and connect on things you hold dear. But human nature can be petty sometimes.

I’m a guy who loves cities. I like the activity. I like the people. I like the availability of things i desire. I don’t like nature that much and things like skiing, boating and camping are not things I have any interest in. Now, just as i wrote that, I guarantee a decent amount of you rolled your eyes and thought of nature situations that i couldn’t possibly not enjoy. This is cause, to you, what you get out of such things is infallible. A sunset. A scenic landscape. Wildlife. The feel of the wind rushing over your face while you slide down a mountain on a wood plank. All that shit. And that’s great. But what is for you is not always for me and vice versa.

Do you play basketball?
No? Well, you should. you’d love it.
Oh, what? you’re not into sports and have no athletic ability?
Whatever dude…just do it. It’s basketball. How could you not love it.

So, yeah, the point of this rant is to just say “love what you love but don’t ever think anyone else should be expected to feel the same way”. After all, without these differences , how can we properly judge one another. And judging? That’s the real fun shit right.

A letter to a naked dude

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So, this past weekend, i played a festival in the outback of Australia. As different as it was from other festivals I’ve played (being on the other side of the planet, the people , the wildlife and the musical tastes), if you were to press mute on everyone and just look at it from afar, it was really no different than a festival in the woods of Oregon. Typically , I do my set and scurry off to the closest hotel to make love to some wifi and watch tv with a roof over my head, never to be seen on camp grounds again. However, this time, I stayed for the full 3 days of the festival. I was IN IT. So, with all this free time in a foreign land, at a festival where I only know a handful of people, i spent a good deal of my time roaming around the campsite. People watching. I mean, that’s kinda what you do at these things, right? It was packed with the usual suspects. Burners, people on drugs, burners on drugs, girls in road warrior outfits carrying hula hoops, people in footie pajamas covered in dirt, a few back woods wiggers and a surprising amount of children. In fact, this was , by far, the most kids I’ve seen at a festival. It was pretty cool to see actually cause i can only imagine how their tiny brains are taking it all in. I suppose to them it’s like a circus with REALLY loud music.
On the Saturday morning of the festival, i was in the food area just stuffing some sort of garbage into my mouth when , out of the corner of my eye, I caught what seemed to be an abundance of naked human flesh. Being the inquisitive soul that I am, I turned my head to see a man walking away from, butt naked, with some painted stuff on his shoulders and ass…think war paint. I tilted my head and thought “Well, surely he’s got something on covering his front parts…”. I then saw him walk up to someone and give a close hug to them (the receiver of said hug did a noticeable body jut to avoid pelvic contact). Right then I thought “no fucking way”. Lo and behold, he sashays his was back around and there it was, his naked dick flapping in the wind, parts of it were painted but, make no mistake, it was as uncovered as a cock can be in a public setting. So, i’m sure this particular aussie raver doesn’t read my blog (i bet he doesn’t even own a tv and on uses the internet for email cause, you know, he’s THAT guy) but I figured I’d write him a letter…just in case cause, you know, someone needs to talk to this guy.

Dear Naked guy,
What’s up? Chilling? cool. I was eating my breakfast the other day when I turned my head to see your dick bobbling as you walk. Nice cock, bro! I especially enjoyed the ornate colors you painted it. Did you, perhaps, have one of the children who were doing face paintings at the festival handle that for you? Whoever did it, they did a bang up job.
I see you there, prancing around like a proud peacock, winds blowing your hair, smugly strutting to give your dick that extra bounce. Balls hopping off your thighs as if to way “Hey! Don’t forget about us!”. Don’t worry balls, we could never forget you.
Your pride and self love are palpable. You must feel great!
Well…
I’m writing you this letter to let you in on something. That something is that, unless you’re part of art installation or the incredible hulk after turning back into David Banner, no one who’s not having sex with your penis should ever see it in public. I understand you’re probably a free spirit. You cannot be caged but the constraints of society around you. Cavemen walked around, dicks flailing, so why can’t you? Well, I’m sorry to say, you are not a caveman. You’re a male in 2016 , in a public place full of children running around. Now, that’s my #1 gripe. Your dick and kids eyes. It’s just…not okay. I dunno if you know this but dicks are gross. They aren’t tits. When a women thinks of a strangers cock, she frowns and they’re the #1 target audience for dicks (shout out to gay dudes but the sheer #’s put ladies in first place). Think about that. The people who enjoy dicks the most, are also repulsed by the majority of them. But beyond the sheer grossness of it (for everyone), what you’re doing is forcing your bullshit on everyone else. Now, I believe people should be able to do what they want. So, in a sense, if you WANT to walk around with your dick out, then live you life. But, with life’s choices come responsibility and consequences. The consequences being your dick waggling in front of a 4 year olds face and your responsibility being to NOT waggle you dick anywhere near the face of a child. Listen, it’s a free world. We have so much we can do. Is your right to express yourself via nudity that important to you? Perhaps you should go to a nude beach or a Hedonism resort where that kinda thing is accepted and monitored. Maybe one of those burning man fuck tents I’ve heard about. I know, i know, a fuck tent is not in public but I’m just spitballing ideas for you. Regardless, all those places seem more appropriate than here.
I think what gets me is that I 100% know you’re doing this cause you’re just so one with the earth and comfortable in your own skin. That’s great. But ,sometimes, we’re so far to the left, we swing around to the right again. You’re blissful, free love hippie freedom is so extreme that it is , in fact, bordering on sexual harassment to every single person that lays eyes on your paint chipped penis. Every woman and man who didn’t feel like looking at your freewheeling cock. Every male child who now probably thinks that, when he gets older, his dick will become a crusty orange and green hair cake.
Every little girl who has never seen a penis in her life will now have THAT as what she expects. In 12 years, when she’s old enough, she will pull out some dudes dick and be shocked it didn’t look like bravehearts face. That’s on you , dude. And I know that’s the furthest thing from your intentions but still…s
o, fuck your freedom. There are so many ways to express individuality and openness without having to ruin everyones day simply cause they looked in your direction. So, please, do me and everyone else a favor and cover that stupid cock up. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Sincerely ,
Tony

Alternate version of this letter:
HEY ASSHOLE, I CAN SEE YOUR DICK. WE CAN ALL SEE YOUR DICK. THERE ARE KIDS HERE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. PUT THIS SHIT AWAY, YOU FUCKING JERK OFF.
Regards,
Tony

Closing time…Kinda.

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They say all good things must come to an end. I assume that applies to all mediocre things as well.

I’ve been writing this blog in some form since around 2002. It started as rants on my personal myspace page. Moved over to a weekly column on the Definitive Jux website and, when that went down, I stated Phat friend January 1st 2009 (or was it 2010? I can’t remember) . The purpose of this blog was just for me to say whatever the fuck I want. I enjoy writing. I like ranting about things i don’t ACTUALLY care about. It’s a good way to blow of steam. Certainly better than bottling it up and losing your shit over some pointless grievance. That, in it’s essence, was what this blog was. “Sweeping generalizations”. There was never any money or glory in this. If anything, it was a means to give my life a little structure. As a musician, it’s easy to fall into bad habits and having this to write every morning , at least, put me on a track to be creative and not just lay around in bed playing words with friends and candy crush until I get hungry enough to get up.

That said, I’ve reached a point where I feel as though this has run it’s course. I’m basically rehashing the same 4 or 5 columns and it’s not like any new light has been exposed. I’ve answered thousands of questions, listened to hundreds of demos, fucked, married and killed all the people I can. What more can I say?
Part of the reason I’m gonna stop posting with any regularity (I’ll get to that later), is that I really don’t have anything left to say. I’ve exhausted my rants. Also, as you get older, ones passion for the minutia of life wanes. This blog has always been about taking dumb things and expanding on them. Making them seem bigger than they are. Like, I could write a piece about men wearing open toed shoes looking like assholes, and it would cause an explosion of fury from every man who’s ever worn flip flops to the beach. When, in reality, I don’t give a fuck what another man wears on his feet. It’s just fun to poke fun and rabble rouse people. Basic trolling. But the stakes seem higher now. Sure, i could write think pieces on things I don’t really care about/know about/understand. I’m just not the involved or informed in the world around me. I listen to what I listen to. i watch what I watch. i read…the internet. My scope isn’t exactly wide. The last thing the internet needs is another white dude talking out his ass about everything.

Another side to this is the environment that we live in now. When i started writing this , i could say anything. If someone was offended or bothered by it, they would roll their eyes and get over it. i didn’t have to explain jokes or tell people “It’s not that serious” all the time. But, we live in a time where everything triggers something. Every word you say can be turned against you, context means nothing and intent is always under scrutiny. To me, that takes the excitement out of writing. Like, I wanna say things but I can’t cause i don’t feel like having to argue with a bunch of people in my comments. Don’t get me wrong, that’s always been a thing but it’s gotten worse ten fold over the last 3 years or so. And, seeing that, one might think “Well, you’re pussying out!”. Maybe. But, to be honest, the weight of those invisible restrictions had effected my writing. i don’t enjoy it like i used to. I’m too aware of things that might cause an issue. i end up over explaining and watering down the point. So, fuck that…Combine that with a lack of things to write about and , well, here we are. I’m sure i could write about how the world is seemingly going down the drain but I feel there’s enough of that out there. What can i really add? So, as of now, Phat Friend is scaling back.
I’m just gonna post music updates here and there as it comes in. Pretty much, this will function as Blockhead’s website, as opposed to “Tony’s blog”. If I get inspired to write something, I will. But, other than that, it’s a wrap. No more demo reviews, no more answers for questions , no more of any of the regular columns.
So, I just wanna take this time to thank all of the people I’ve met over the years who’ve told me they fuck with this blog and all the faithful readers. It’s been a pleasure. You guys, more than anyone, “get” me. This blog is more me than my music has ever been so, just know that, you’re appreciated.
It’s not dead…but it will be dormant.
And , finally, shout out to all the strangers and friends who have taken the time to tell me I need to fix my grammar and spell check more thoroughly. I will miss you guys the most. Feel free to find me on twitter, where I will be spelling things wrong and abusing the english language with regularity.
Thanks and Good day,
Blockhead AKA Tony
mashedpotater

Yay or Nay?: Bobby Raps “PlaneWalkers”

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A while back, I did a “Yay or Nay” For THIS song by Bobby Raps and Corbin (AKA Spooky Black). I ,personally loved the song and , judging from the polls, you guys did too. Since then, both artists been dropping shit here and there. For the most part, I’ve been into it. Definitely some cool shit coming out of St. Paul.
The other day someone left this new Bobby Raps video in my inbox and I’m sorta confused. I’m not sure if this is a one off , style-wise or if he’s moving on to a new sound in his career but it’s interesting. Now, I have a STRONG idea how the voting for this poll is gonna go. I know this fan base well enough to know that trap beats, auto tune and yell rapping are not what you guys enjoy. At least, the majority of you. I’m a little more lenient about that kinda thing (I’m over it but , when done well, I see the good). Thing is, on the surface, I should hate this song. It’s kind of a beautiful mess. The beat is pretty dope, and Bobby’s raps are actually awesome if you get past the autotune. Hell, I even can fuck with some of the singing parts. There’s no question it’s got an energy to it too. But, at the same time, it does leave me a little confused. Maybe that’s the point?
So, with open minds, I ask you to listen to this and tell me what you think. Be honest. Why not?

Well, what do you think?

Answers for Questions vol. 297

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Hi everyone. It’s been a while. Haven’t been posting much. I dunno…maybe summer makes me lazy.
Anyway, this is “Answers for Questions”. You ask me anything and I answer. Simple stuff. If you’d like to ask me stuff, I’d love that. People send all questions to phatffiendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Get weird.
Let’s check this weeks batch, shall we?

You’re trapped in a portapotty, having just taken an *enormous* dump. This is taking place during the zombie apocalypse and there is an angry horde just outside. How do you escape, using only what you have on you?

The crucial part here is that my dump was enormous. I mean…without dropping that extra weight, my escape would be futile. My escape would go like so: I’d wait till the zombie clamoring outside subsided a little, bust out the door as fast as possible and then be immediately killed by a horde of angry zombies cause there is no way anyone could escape that predicament. But at least i got one last enormous dumps off, right?

Has anything weird or crazy happened to you while eating a sandwich?
I witnessed a murder!
Just kidding. Nah man, outside of nearly choking to death cause I eat too fast, I can’t recall anything weird every happening while I was eating anything, let alone a sandwich.

You just found a stray cat in your closet and it just had kittens! Squash ’em?!
Good lord, no. Listen, I don’t like cats. This is something well documented. However, i’m not a psychotic person who gets off on killing animals either. If I found a bunch of kittens in my closet, I’d honestly probably first post something on facebook asking if anyone I know wants some free kittens. I can think of a few people off the top who’d take them. If that didn’t work, I’d extend the offer to strangers online. If that didn’t work? I’d burn my entire house down with me inside it cause it had been tainted by cats and there was no turning back.

How many times a day do you get asked to spare some change? Has there ever been a homeless person you just felt like you wanted to help out for any reason?
Depends how much I walk around but it’s certainly an every day thing. I honestly don’t even register it at this point in my life. I’ve given change to countless homeless people in my life. More so when I was younger and less tuned out to seeing it on the street.
I can’t say there has really been “special” homeless guys who I felt more of an obligation to help but there are the local guys you recognize that you tend to be more willing to give money to. There was this one guy who used to beg for near the place i grew up who was famous for saying “What’s the greatest nation? Do-nation!” and he had a bunch of funny signed as well. I always gave that guy something. Even named a song after him (“Dough Nation“).

For the basketball lover in you….Would you rather have lights-out shooting ability like Curry or dunking prowess like LaVine?
Oh shooting 100%. It ages better. I’m well past the point in my life where dunking matters at all but a jump shot is forever. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it might be worth it just to see the reactions on peoples faces when a nearly 40 year old man windmill dunks on someone in a pick up game but still…to be a lights out shooter is the dream for all basketball players.

Will you ever release an official list of where you get your samples from? There are some samples on ‘The Music Scene’ that I would absolutely love to know where they originated from, but a Google search does no good.
Helllllll no. That would be snitching on myself…also, I have no idea where most of those samples are from. I barely keep track (i have a system but I don’t think I was using it back when I made “The Music Scene”). But, yeah…no way. I’m not trying to open any doors where someone could sue me.

If New York was gonna be any flavor, which would it be and why?
Pastrami. Nah, just kidding.
hmmm…I mean, as cities go, NYC is everything. So, it would have to be a flavor that covers a lot of space. I’d say it would be that candy the girl eats in Willy Wonka that changes flavor as you go. I forget if that candy eventually kills that kid though…probably.

Answers for Questions Vol. 296

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What’s up everyone? How’s life? Great.
This is, of course, Answers for questions. You ask me stuff, i answer. I need questions though…that’s where you come in. please send me questions about ANYTHING to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Also, I’m accepting “Ask Dr. Tony” Questions as well , if you’re having life problems.
This weeks batch starts out interestingly as I basically am asked to make up a story on some “creative writing 101” shit…but it was fun. So, feel free to ask me those kind of things as well. Why not?

After a night of extremely heavy drinking, you awake to find yourself in the back of cement truck, wearing clogs and dungarees. The King of Sweden has passed out next to you, there are grapes all over the floor and, in the distance, a village is on fire. How did it happen?
The night started out like any other. I was passing through Stolkholm , on my way back from some tour dates. Having a day off, I was roaming aimlessly around the city. Bored, I sheepishly enter a bar and have a seat. Some Soccer is on TV and the place is pretty riled up. I don’t give a fuck about soccer but some dude next to me really does and keeps buying everyone drinks. I am no exception. As the night progresses, I talk more to this man and learn he is the “King of Sweden”. Well, that’s what he says. He’s actually just a really drunk Swede who loves company. Nice enough guy and everyone seems to know him well enough. They call him “Kung”. After a few hours, I am properly wrecked. The whole bar is. I guess some local Soccer team won something or whatever but the party does not stop here. Along with a group of about 20 people, we all leave the bar and head to our second destination. We hop in various cars. Weird cars. Some are sports cars, some look like they belong to the city. Threre’s even a tractor and a garbage truck…an american garbage truck at that but I was too drunk to ask any questions.
We drive for what seems like hours (it was probably like 30 minutes) and pull into a grape orchard. I didn’t even realize that could exist near Stolkholm but I guess it does. Everyone takes their shoes off and runs towards a small wooden shack in the middle of the orchard. Keep in mind, I don’t speak swedish so I’m just kinda blindly following whatever these lunatics are doing. With my shoes in hand, I get to the shack and am handed some clogs. “Des, a fur stompin!” says the woman who gives them to me. “Also, you might to take off your pants! it get messy!” she said in broken english. So, I take off my pants, put on the clogs and enter the shack. Inside, there’s a huge vat of grapes. We are hear to stomp on grapes…doesn’t seem sanitary but, hey, the fuck if I know how wine is made. Everyone dumps into the vat and just starts stomping around. It’s actually a pretty fun drunken activity. Everyone seems to really be enjoying themselves. I notice that, as this goes on, the act is getting more and more aggressive. As if this is more of a mosh pit. I see people start to throw one another down. All of a sudden , in my drunk stupor, I realize this isn’t some normal grape stomping party. No…this is a battle royale. At that moment. a small blonde man jumps on my back and tries to take me down. he’s small enough that I just flip him over my shoulder. I see as he falls into the pit, a collage of feet, stomping away at his petite frame like so many grapes. It’s then when I get scared and realize I must make an exit. Doing my best Beastmode impression, I lower my shoulders and plow through a sea of drunken swedes. I get to the edge of the vat and barrel roll over the side. It’s only like a 5 foot drop so I land safely enough. Partially cause I land on a pile of passed out bodies. Are they dead? I don’t really know. Not trying to find out. The action in the vat is such that I am able to sneak out the cabin unnoticed…but here I am…Alone in a swedish wine vineyard with no pants. I look in the distance and see a few of the people ambling towards the garbage truck. I figure they might be my only way out of there. Right then, I notice a pile of pants outside the door. I can’t find mine but I find some really awkward dungarees that don’t really fit me, but fuck it…they will have to do. I stiffly run towards the garbage truck, clogs kicking up dirt as I go. The two guys are now in the front seat and the garbage truck is pulling off. I make it just in time to hope in the back without being noticed. As I jump in, I crack my head on the side on some big metal part of the truck. I pass out.
I don’t know how long I’ve been out but, when I awaken, I’m sitting there, in clogs and dungarees. Grapes everywhere. I look in the distance and the entire vineyard is ablaze. I turn my head and see “The king of Sweden” , laying there with a little smirk on his face, eyes half shut in that “still drunk” kinda way.. I ask “What the fuck just happened!?!?” and he looks at me and says “Soccer, man”.
The end.

i like to think of myself as a highly functional stoner. what do you suppose the odds are i’m bullshitting myself?
I’ve definitely met many high functioning stoners so it’s not totally impossible. i do think the average stoner who thinks that doesn’t realize what being functional can truly be like but, yeah, you got a chance. I’d say, if you can read a book, make reservations or do your work while high AND be effective, you’re good at being high. Congrats. But if being a functional stoner means not forgetting to pick your kid up from school, might be time to reevaluate your life.

are you able to keep houseplants alive? do you keep any houseplants?
I have never tried but I’d imagine , if I wanted to, I would be very good at that. I’m one of those people who, if I get a regiment, I stick to it. So, if watering a plant became something I did every day, then I’d do it. That said, I travel way too much for that to work and I never wanna be a person who asks another person “Hey man, can you water my plants while I’m gone?”.

from your travels, what do you suppose the best alternative to nyc is for a person who wants to live cheap? if you ever had money troubles, would you move out of nyc? where would you go?

I mean…there isn’t anywhere like NYC that’s cheap. It wouldn’t be cheap cause everyone would wanna live there.
I guess somewhere like Toronto would be my first choice. It’s not cheap but, compared to NYC it is. It’s a fun city.
Or maybe , if you want that old NYC feel, Philly. Again, not the same as NYC at all but it’s an east coast city with flavor and history. Can’t say I’d ever wanna live there but it’s at least nearby and not Boston.
If I came into money problems and couldn’t afford NYC, I really don’t know what I’d do. San Francisco would be my second choice but that’s as, if not more, expensive as NYC. Honestly, I’m thinking it won’t be an issue cause I own my apartment. Worst case, I can live here for cheap, forever. Maybe even rent it out for a profit, and live off that.

what do you do when you get really fucking bored at home?
I bask in boredom. I spend the bulk of most of my days at home, bored and I love it. I watch tv, I watch movies, I play video games, I eat, I eat more, I look at the internet. I’m very content doing nothing. Honestly, it’s when I’m bored that I make the most music too. So, it kinda works itself out. To me, boredom at home isn’t a bad thing…cause it results in me doing things I love doing anyway.

When you were a kid, do you remember the first music you heard that you loved? When did you first hear rap?


The first song I recall ever hearing that i loved was “Eye of the tiger” by survivor. I was in Maine with my family (my dad taught at an art school up there for the summer) and it came on the radio and I distinctly recall freaking out over it and singing it over and over again. That and the theme to “The greatest american hero” are my earliest memories of music.
The first time i heard rap was not long after that, maybe two years…when the movie “Beat Street” came out. i was about 8 years old. I made my mom take me to it (and she did, which still blows my mind to this day). The Santa rap was the first I ever heard and I was obsessed the second I saw it.