Preview Reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 12

Hi there and welcome to a real time saver. Listen, tons of movies come out but who’s got the time to watch them all. Not me and certainly not you. So, to save us all time, i simply watch the trailers and review those. See, you can often read a book by it’s cover. So, let’s look at these movies I have not seen and let my sweeping generalizations do the talking.


Here’s the thing, I love Paul Rudd. I haven’t seen all his movies but I’ve seen most of them. He’s never been bad in anything. He’s pulled off roles that 99% of other actors wouldn’t made completely corny and somehow made himself likable to both men and women. It’s something you can’t really say about most actors So, I ride hard for Rudd. That said, I’m not a superhero movie guy. I mean, I can enjoy them on some level but I don’t REALLY care. Maybe I’m too old for that shit or maybe I just I stopped giving a fuck about that kinda thing when I shit my spiderman underoos at age 3. Only a shrink can tell you.
What I do know is that Marvel movies be makin’ money. Every time. Partially cause they own the rights to all to good superheroes. And then there is “Ant-man”. Now, I was never a comic book guy so I have no idea about the backstory of “Ant-man”. I’m sure it existed but, on what plane? I think it’s safe to say that Marvel is digging into the deep cuts with this one. This would be like if Miley Cyrus made an album and released a minimal ambient death core track with no singing on it as her first single.
Thing is, I know Rudd will be good in this. He always is. But Ant-man? Ohhhh, he shrinks and gets strong! He fights blood cells! Can he cure AIDS? I don’t even know. Meanwhile, a real Aquaman movie is still sitting on the shelf somewhere. Probably cause it sucks.

Paper Towns

This is a subtle new genre of movies about a dorky guy and the out of his league love interest who finally cross paths. The girl is basically like yoda with lipgloss. She’s seen things, man! She’s lived! She dated a few college guys so , you know, she can learn you a thing or two about life. MAybe her dad was a drunk, I dunno. But whatever has happened to her , thus far in life, has made her tough and deep.
Keep in mind, these are both teenagers and , if I know nothing else, it’s that teenagers don’t know shit about anything. Even ones who have been through some heavy shit. It’s not their fault, they’re young.
Now, I didn’t see “The fault in our stars” either cause I’m a grown male but it seemed to carry a similar theme. Young girl teaches sheltered young boy about life. This is basically that, minus the cancer. Possibly more hi-jinx. I dunno. That’s a guess. Don’t hold me to the Hi-jinx promise. At the very least, a story of personal growth that involves a mystery and a road trip.
I’m not the target audience for this movie but I’m pretty sure teenaged me would wiped my ass with it as well. I suppose teenaged me knew a lot.

Ricki and the Flash

Ooof…Damn Meryl. You’re fucking Meryl Streep. You don’t have to do the “Life long rocker gets a soul” movie. you’re better than that. At first glance I thought they made a Melissa Ethridge biopic. This seems to be something that a few aging actors have tried. A movie where they play a delusional but devoted old rocker. They can’t give up the dream, man! I believe there’s even a TV show starring Denis Leary about to air about the exact same thing.
Much like Paul Rudd, Meryl Streep is always good. Granted, the movies she tends to be in are far out of my wheelhouse but I can’t front on her talent. I didn’t see “Into the woods” but, sure, I bet she kills it. So, i don’t doubt she’s gonna be as good as this movie allows her to be. It’s just, i dunno…This just looks corny to me. Not in a typical “hollywood movies are corny” kinda way. It seems poorly written and contrived. Which would be fine if it starred Mary Steenburgen as Ricki but this is a Meryl Streep movie. Surely she read the script?
This all begs the question, did Meryl Streep owe someone a favor? Perhaps she’s in debt? I dunno…someone needs to check in on her though cause I think she may be in danger. She made a lifetime channel movie. It sounds pretty serious. My prayers are with her.

White People

FINALLY! A movie I can relate to as a white male!
Wow…this movie, man. Umm…I don’t even know what to say. I actually really wanna see it cause there’s no way it’s not going to be both hilarious and wildly awkward. White people are a funny group. We somehow find a balance of guilt and entitlement that translates to many of us having no perception of how good we have it, in the larger scheme of things. I’m sure this movie tackles that. My hope is that it tackles that in a way that will make me deeply belly laugh as undergrads fumble their way though explaining why being white is alright to a room for of minorities who think they’re full of shit. If that’s what this movie is about, it could very well be the best thing ever.
The dude who seems to be interviewing everyone could, in fact, be the greatest troll of all time. He probably understands that making white people explain themselves , on a racial level, is gold. While it looks like team building workshop gone terribly wrong, if I get to see a bunch of midwestern teenagers cry cause they feel guilty for being white, it will be all worth it.
That said, this is a movie made for MTV. So, in reality, it will be a farce and totally let me down. There will be hugging at the end and , when it’s all said and done, it will have cured racism. Thanks MTV! I knew you could do it! Now, put back on some pregnant teens and let’s get serious.
Also, for a good laugh, check out the youtube comments on this one. Some real winners in there.

Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 3

I see a decent amount of movies. Because of this, I’m subjected to tons of previews of movies that look like complete shit. The other day, I saw “The act of killing” which is pretty much the heaviest movie I’ve ever seen. Straight up, as gut wrenching as it was fantastic. Tell me why they previews before that movie were three indie rom-coms? What the fuck is wrong with people.
But I digress, I’m a man of flash judgements that tend to be about 85% accurate. Because of this, I like to simply skip seeing the shitty movie and judging it entirely based on its trailer. That’s what this is…so, move over Leonard Maltin, I’m coming for your crown.

2 Guns

You know, Hollywood gets a lot of shit for pushing out shit loaf after shit loaf of the same old cookie cutter movie. Each genre has their version. The Rom-com, the Gross out comedy with the heart of gold, the horror movie with some scary child. Then along comes a movie like “2 Guns” to completely change the game. I mean, i can’t recall a time where a movie seemingly went so outside the box. This is a foreign film right ? Clearly, they just over dubbed it really well in the previews cause there is no way an american would have the balls to make such an original , genre blending masterpiece like this. Just kidding, clearly, this movie is what happens when you get two really famous people signed on to an idea before the script is even written. I feel like there are literally piles of scripts like this to the ceiling in every film producers office that are interchangeable. Probably titled shit like “action movie 48”. All they’re lacking is someone like Mark Wahlberg to be like “hmm…I wouldn’t mind owning an island somewhere…I’ll do it!”.
also, over/under on there being multiple slow motion action scenes in this movie? HIGH ODDS. Double or nothing there is a slow motion walk away from an explosion. I’d bet my first born on that one.

Reds 2

The fact this preview doesn’t start with the sentence “Not since ‘Cacoon’ have so many elderly people saved the world…” is a travesty.
Take about a niche market. Action movies for old people. The equivalent genre in porn would be something like “Granny cosplay”.
As the son of someone who is technically elderly and someone who has been around old people a fair amount in my life (I had an old dad who had old friends) this movie getting a sequel boggles my mind. I didn’t see the first one…but who did? Apparently, enough people to make a second one. I feel like that happened on a different planet or something. At the very least, , I’d figure they’d all be turned off by the loud explosions. Old people hate sudden loud sounds. It’s pretty much the bane of their existence. But, more importantly, old people don’t fuck with action movies. Every old person I’ve ever met likes period pieces or boring documentaries about the invention of the cotton gin.

I wonder if old dudes who watch this email each other about it and send still of Helen Mirren looking all sexy and shit. That would make as much sense to me as this movie being made in the first place.
Just to be clear, I’m not opposed to the idea of this movie having an audience. I just don’t understand how it does.


Remember that movie where Ryan Reynolds got buried alive? I think it was called “Buried alive”. Anyway, I didn’t see that shit. Not cause it looked bad (it was a dude sweating in a box for two hours, it certainly didn’t look good) but more cause that is my fucking nightmare. There is no pay off that would make me watching claustrophobia unfold worth it. This movie is like that but the opposite. The set up scene looks pretty cool but, after that, what the fuck are you watching? A bitch floating around in space for 2 hours. Sure, I got questions. I’m mildly curious to see how they handle that in a movie. Hell, I’ll probably even check in on it when it’s playing on cable in 6 months. But still, what could possibly happen? I’ll tell you. She floats around having a panic attack for over an hour then, miraculously gets saved by george clooney who then makes out with her once she is safe. THE END. I could be wrong about that but her getting hit by an astroid or running out of air and dying only to see her corpse float off into a black hole, while more realistic, wouldn’t exactly make for a great movie.

I’m in love with a church girl

The streets have been talking and Ja-rule was listening. They (the streets) said “Yo, Rule, when you gonna reprise one of your roles from those videos you used to do with Ashanti, but in the form of a feature length film?”. Did Little X direct this? Ja rule playing a fake thug is kinda like if Ryan Gosling plays a guy who gets a lot of pussy. It just sorta makes sense.
Also , this is one of those “Based on a true story” ass movies. Oh, I’m sure it is! Remember that one thug who met that one church girl and turned his life around? Yeah…that one. REAL TALK.
Tyler perry probably saw this script and was like “eh…I’m good. I’mma go make a movie about someone molesting a grandma instead…”

Preview reviews of movies I’ll never see vol. 2

Since last time was so much fun (I think), let’s try this again. This is me reviewing movies I’ll most likely never watch (never say never though, I’ve got cable and lots of free time) based entirely on the 2 minute long previews. Summer is here so it’s blockbuster season. This week includes a bunch of movies that look like other movies that all made tons of money in the past. I suppose that’s kinda how this all works though. Ahh…art.

lone ranger

I think I speak for everyone when i say “what the fuck is an Armie Hammer?”. From the looks of it, he’s a little Val kilmer , a little Josh Brolin and a whole lotta HUNK. But seriously, that fucking name. At least go by Armond or Armold. Armie sounds like a baby name that stuck. Whenever a guy with a name like this pops out of seemingly nowhere to bag a huge roll is a summer blockbuster, I gotta think this hollywood magic at work. Like they shined the light upon him and said “Yes my son, it is your time…I hope you like acting in rom-com’s about espionage , cause that’s your future”.
Oh yeah, I’m reviewing a movie trailer , I forgot.
Well, this looks like a huge pile of dog shit. Granted, it will be a very shiny and manicured pile of dog shit, but dog shit nonetheless. Johnny Depp continues to not age. I gotta say, I’m somewhat proud of our thin skinned country not being up in arms with Depp’s portrayal of a Native American. I mean he even speaks in that “How! Me likum a lot!” kinda twang. The first time I saw the preview for this I was expecting all sorts of “outrage” from native american groups but, so far, nothing…perhaps they’re all just waiting for the movie to come out before they start picketing Who knows? Hey, did you know that “Tonto” means “Dummy” in spanish? cause it does. Someone told me that the other day and I was shocked it didn’t translate to “White face painted carrier of wisdom”.


Man, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been car jacked by a pretty, 85 pound latina teenaged girl. It’s actually the plot of this porn I’m working on.
Movies are an escape. For this reason, they often bend the realms of reality. So, perhaps, the concept of Selena Gomez robbing anything might actually work for you. i mean, Iron man 3 is the 5th most money earning movie of all time (worldwide) so, surely , a tiny girl who looks like she just had her Quinceanera is a plausible felon.
The funny thing is that’s the first part of the whole movie that we’re just sort of supposed to accept in order to get from point A to point B. BEyond that debacle, it would appear we have a movie that was made when three wealthy men on coke sat in a board meeting and said “What would happen if we mixed “Taken” with “Speed” but added a touch of the old charlie sheen vehicle “The chase”? ”
I’m sure from there, calls were made, boners were formed and bottles were popped. This is one of those “I don’t have to see it cause I know what’s gonna happen” type movies. You think he’s NOT gonna get his wife back? You think Selena Gomez and him are NOT going to form a bond which eventually leads to her doing something heroic? You think Jon Voight is not gonna act with a terrible and unidentifiable accent of no clear origin? Come on…you’re better than that.


Shamefully, I actually don’t hate Ryan Reynolds. I think he’s pretty funny at times. I just don’t know how I feel about him playing roles outside the “snarky dickhead” spectrum. also love Jeff Bridges. This movie seems right in his wheelhouse, so that’s something.
But, unfortunately, this is just kinda like Men in Black but with the living dead. Or, shit, maybe that’s right up your alley? Who knows. I will say this…it looks watchable. I’m sure this will come on cable in a years time and I will catch parts of it over the course of a month until I have actually seen the whole thing, albeit out of order and spread over weeks of time. But, even after that, I’m sure I can tell you what I’ll think of it without even seeing it yet. In one word: Meh.

The Hot Flashes

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been waiting on the edge of your seat for this years menopausal sports flick to drop. Well, wait no more. It’s here! finally a movie you can take both your mom and your buddies from the basketball courts to.
Making a movie about older women going through something that every woman goes through seems like a bright idea until you remember that the average film goer is a 17 year old boy who has no idea that Brooke Shields (or Virginia Madsen for that matter) was ever even a sex symbol, let alone an actress people had heard of. But, that said, I do respect Hollywood for letting a movie like this through once in a while. It’s like throwing the old folks a bone. Shit, Have you seen “Grumpier old men”? It’s awesome. “Cacoon” was a huge hit. And those guys were basically on their death bed. So, maybe this one has a chance. I have no clue what audience it’s gonna pull but there’s a slight chance a group of people have been sitting by, waiting for someone to drop a “”Hoosiers” meets midlife crisis comedy.
Pretty sure my mom is skipping this one.

Oh and since we’re on the topic of movie reviews, check out these hilarious horror film reviews by my boy Damian Paris. For those who don’t know, he’s the guy who plays all the guitar and bass parts on all my instrumental albums. I’ve actually known him since high school and he’s pretty much the ideal movie critic. Beyond being an extremely talented musician, he’s also a film buff and film maker. But, really, these reviews are more an insight into the man himself…and he is a crazy person.