Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 8

Uberfacts is a twitter handle that spouts all sorts of bullshit all day. Sometimes it’s truths, other times it’s highly questionable opinions disguised at truths. It’s all over the place. In this column, I like to focus in on certain tweets and discuss them at length. Sometimes to agree, other times to disagree and sometimes just to open a larger discussion up. It’s all fun for the whole family (minus your kids or parents). Take a ride with me down Uberfacts alley.

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Damn, Uberfacts out here exposing the dirty truth. Turns out Beethoven was a scum bag just like, oh i dunno, EVERY OTHER MUSICIAN EVER. That and he was lazy…JUST LIKE EVER OTHER MUSICIAN EVER.
I’m not quite sure how Uberfacts found this little tidbit out. I assume they’re just a bunch of dudes sitting around a table , eating cold pizza and spitballing ideas. One guy says something like “What up with Beethoven though?” then another guy, looking up from clearing the chamber in his bong coughs out “I know, right? Like…I bet he was all about the pussy…”. The Table laughs until one guy goes “Nah, like, i heard he hated giving Piano lessons cause, like, he only wanted to teach hot chicks…or really talented people”…and an uberfact is born.
Here’s the thing, he’s probably right. Artist are certainly like this. The saying “those who can’t, teach” exists for a reason cause those who can generally are far too in their own heads to be able to tell another person how to do the thing they do. A thing that, most likely, comes so easy to them they can’t even explain why they do it so well in the first place. It’s kinda like how Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant will never make a good coach. It’s simply not their strong points.
So, you take a guy like Beethoven. I’m assuming he’s a musical genius. I’d be lying if I said I sit around bumping his stuff but, you know, he’s fucking Beethoven. I’d be shocked if he even taught lessons in the first places but I guess artists have been needing a supplemental income since forever. Nice to see that’s been one constant in music. Of course Beethoven doesn’t wanna sit there with some 4 year old trying to do scales while snot drips out of his nose all over the keys. It takes a person with saint-like patience to do that kinda work. No, for Beethoven, he’s gonna need two things. Someone who’s a natural just like him…meaning he doesn’t really have to teach much OR a fine piece of ass that he can possibly seduce. Sure, she may not be able to play a lick but Beethoven can get his flirt on, adjust his powered wig and possible pop off that 9 layer corset by the end of the “class”. In a way, there’s something comforting to know that musicians have been this way since the beginning. Everyone except the Gregorian monks. Pretty sure they did it for the love. Shout out to them.

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I’m not one to research anything I write about cause it often gets ruined by “facts” and, trust me, i know one of you smug motherfuckers CAN’T wait to correct me in the comment section so, obviously, I’m talking out my ass here…but is there any way this service isn’t based in Japan? It just sounds so japanese.
So, uberfacts, you’re telling me there is dating site where strangers send their dirty shirts in and exchange them with other dirty shirts , in order for people to find their match? Word. Totally. Sounds practical. Like, how do they send shirts? There’s no way they do one at a time? And they must have to be sealed in an air tight packaging in order to preserve the funk. All logic aside, I do kinda get this cause there is something to be said about pheromones. That shit is real. Some people just have a draw on other people and we don’t really get to choose it. I’ve had many situations in life where I saw a girl i was incredibly attracted to, we start hanging out and , for some reason, the attraction just kinda fizzles. That magnetic pull wasn’t there. Meanwhile, I’ve had the same thing with “less” attractive girls when it’s like they sweat molly water or something and you can’t get enough. God forbid you meet the person who’s both attractive AND has that subtle fragrant pull on you…that’s how wars start or why people end up killing each other. Shit’s mad real.
So, Perhaps, this dating service, as gross and illogical as it sounds, is on to something. The concept of finding the scent first is interesting. That said, the level of backfiring it must have is probably ungodly but still, in a world where we’ve exhausted all angles of online dating, props to these people for trying something way out the box.

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I don’t have anything to really complain or rant about where this was concerned but I more just wanna spotlight it. How awesome is this? More than that, how is this not a movie yet? Hollywood is always looking for ways to give old ass actors a role that’s relevant and I see no movie more popping than this one. Let’s get them all…Michael Caine, patrick stewart, Sir Ian MCkellen , Robert Redford (is he still alive?), Gene hackman etc…this shit will pop off. It will be like “Grumpy old men” but an action thriller. Just make sure it’s not done by some hack director and I would watch the fuck out of this movie. You’re welcome hollywood.

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When “Pour some sugar on me” came out, i was a child in summer camp. It was HUGE. Everyone loved it. We all sang it, along with the other summer hit of that year “paul revere” by the beastie boys. I was at that age where I didn’t like music for real yet. So, if something played often enough, I was on board. But this joint? It was everything. Looking back, 30 years later…it just dawned on me that I have literally never given one second of thought to what the lyrics mean. This is partially cause I’ve always been a rap guy and , honestly, i’ve always assumed most pop rock music lyrics meant absolutely nothing. I still believe that. In general, they’re either bad high school poetry or just some dude whining about a girl. Not everyone can be Bob Dylan, right?
But, to think, that Def Leppard’s own bandmate has no idea what this song is about…it’s just so awesome. Cause, really, it goes to show how little that kinda stuff matters in a hit song. While dudes are out here writing their hearts and souls out in musical formations , Def Leppard was like “Hey, let’s put words in an order that sounds cool but who give a fuck what it means?”.
i just googled the lyrics to this song and it’s literally like a game of madlibs.
Razzle ‘n’ a dazzle ‘n’ a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah, yeah
So c’mon, take a bottle, shake it up
Break the bubble, break it up

I mean…it’s about fucking…obviously. If I think for a moment, i would assume “pour some sugar on me” would mean “give me your sweet love” in the most caveman kinda way. But perhaps it’s deeper or more exact. perhaps it’s about a particular sexual act. An act where one dumps something on another person. In this case, the woman on the man. yes, this song is probably about a woman pissing and/or shitting on the chest of lead singer of Def Leppard. How about that? Look that shit up, Uberfacts! It makes so much sense though. Sure, to you and me, bodily fluids like piss and shit are far from sweet but, perhaps, the the advanced festishist , it’s sweet like…oh, i dunno, SUGAR?!?!!?
Think I’m crazy…what about this verse right here:
Listen, red light, yellow light, green-a-light go
Crazy little woman in a one man show
Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love
Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up (loosen up) loosen up

Whelp, mystery solved. I guess Uberfacts serve a purpose after all…

Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 7

Uberfacts is a twitter handle that posts “Facts” on a daily basis. Some are obviously horseshit and others are eye opening truths. More than anything, though, they are great conversation pieces.
In this column, I like to look at a few of these and just meander aimlessly about the topic. If you’re into that kind of rant, guess what? Today is you day!

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Here’s a little known fact for all you people out there who are “fans” of people. Most of them think they’re a fraud. Yup. That cocky rapper who acts like he has a gold penis or that beautiful actress who requests people on set don’t look her in the eye…insecure little pieces of shit. Just like you and me.
Here’s the catch though, they’re right. Luck and timing is everything. Hard work doesn’t hurt. Talent? That’s like a distant 4th.
I’ve always felt like an outsider from the art world in many ways. It’s something I’ve been immersed in from a young age (my dad was an artist) but , to me, the layer of bullshit that goes with it has always been palpable. That layer spans all mediums. Fine art, music, acting, writing and whatever else you can think of. It’s a real “Oh shit!?” moment , in ones life, when you realize this and , personally, I think that’s a good thing. It humanizes everything and also evens the playing field. I don’t get excited to meet famous people. I don’t care about the accomplishments of strangers. If I like someones work, I’ll tell them. I will respect their work, hope they make more and that’s it. It ends there though. The beauty of this is , you can then judge people at face value. I always hear horror stories of people meeting their heroes and being let down when those people are dicks to them. There’s two sides to that coin though. The artist could very well be a dismissive prick OR the fan might be an overbearing asshole who doesn’t understand the rules of human engagement. I think we, as people, give to much credence to people just cause they’re good at this one thing. Especially where arts are concerned. I get it though cause the art of other people is one of the few things you can put out there and make complete strangers feel something outside of themselves. While people like teachers and doctors are far more important to humanity, nobody is watching a surgery and weeping cause it was so beautiful. But that is the reason why artists are revered the way they are. People connect to them from a distance and in many different ways.

One song can mean something different to 100 different people. Then those people take that feeling and feel a kinship with that song. They discover the music of the artist and start feeling like that person “gets them”. Then they go to their show. Heart in their hands. Listening to every moment , in awe of this person who they deem “better than” themselves cause they were able to unlock a feeling inside of them. After the show, they’re gushing and want to tell this person how they feel. They wait in line by the merch booth and when it’s finally their turn, they nervously rattle off a laundry list of how this person has changed their life. The artist stands there, barely absorbs what’s being said and possibly says something to the effect of “yeah thanks, keep it moving”. The fan is confused and let down. Why? Cause it turns out the person they elevated on to the pedestal was just a normal jerk off just like everyone else who happens to be good at this one thing. Meanwhile, the artist knows this to be true and it so aware of it, it makes him/her act out towards the people who worship him/her. It’s a brutal cycle but the point remains. We’re all just people. None of us can walk on water. As big as they may seem, every person who makes art of value knows this about themselves and questions themselves constantly. Even Kanye. Yup…Even Kanye.

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Rich people can be the worst.
I’m not saying we need to live in a socialist society but if you can afford an Aston Martin that runs on wine, surely you can swing some dough toward people with needs. I mean…think of how much wine that wastes? Can you imagine how happy a bunch of homeless drunks would be if , instead of pouring that in your car you drive once a year, you simply roll up on them in whatever alley they’re chilling in and drop off a couple of cases of fancy wine princes drink. Sure, it’s not helping their situation. In fact, you’d be enabling like a motherfucker but, whatever, it’s more respectable that using it to make one of the most expensive cars on earth move.
With this billion dollar lottery going on tonight, people are losing their minds. Having a car that runs on wine sounds like something a drunk sorority girl would think of when someone asked her “Hey, what would you do if you won a billion dollars?”. Meanwhile, prince charles is really out here doing that shit. Making up weird money wasting fantasies to match his fantasy ass existence as a “prince” in 2016.
I just feel like, when you have so much money you can no longer think of ways to spend it, spread it around. Donate 300 million to cancer research. Build housing for the poor. It’s literally a drop in the bucket and all you have to do is write a check. And trust me, I’m not a guy who gives to charities. Those people stop me on the street for whatever cause they’re shilling, I walk by like i don’t even see them. However, I’m not rich. I need all my money to live my life. You best believe that, if I won a billion dollars, after i covered all the things i want (Mainly, a home with a full court basketball gym in it), I’d spread the love. First thing I’d do? Buy that Wine fueled Aston Martin and drive it off a cliff cause fuck you and your wine car, you aristocratic piece of shit.

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If technology has done nothing else, it’s enabled cowards. From faceless trolls on the internet to “outraged” losers who chime in whenever they feel a slight tinge of being offended. It is THEIR time to shine. So, it only seems right that you can pay someone money to break up with your significant other. I recall a time when doing it over the phone was considered bad. Now, from what I hear, people get dumped via text like “Hey, we’re done. OKTHX BYEEEEEE” and that’s totally okay.
The idea of having someone else call, email, or text a person on your behalf is both depressing and brilliant. No one likes breaking up with people. Hell, think of all the relationships out there that are just floating along miserably cause both people are too complacent to look at one another and say “Eh, we gave it a try but I loathe every thing about you at this point”. That’s like…70% of long term relationships. Yup…your parents too.
So, the concept of this timorous company could, in fact, be a good thing. It’s direct, clean and there’s no room for misconception of what’s going on. Yes, to be on the receiving end of such a thing would be infuriating and offensive. However, break ups aren’t fun ever. No one wants to be dumped. But that’s how it works. One person wants out and the other is forced to deal with it. It’s shitty and messy but if couples only broke up cause they were both unhappy equally, what kind of society would we live in? So, instead, hire this faceless robot to do the dirty work for you. No more are the 3 hour talks where two people rehash the same arguments that have been plaguing their already damaged relationship. No more talking in circles. No more meticulously trying to find the least offensive way to tell a person you’re not into them anymore.
If technology has given us anything,it’s options. And one of those options is to be gutless and selfish. If that’s your style, well praise the lord cause you’re living in the perfect era. The only thing holding you back are compassion and dignity. If those two things aren’t on the menu for you, congrats! You have arrived!

Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 6

Uberfacts is a twitter profile that vomits “truth” all day. Facts, in the loosest definition of the word. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s interesting and most of the time it’s total bullshit based on some study done by some guy. Whatever the case, I still find it interesting and , on occasion, will highlight some of their tweets and discuss them with you. Fun for the whole family!

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Teens, they’re just like us!
You know, having been in a relationship for 7 plus years then being single has been an eye opening experience. The way people meet and communicate has totally changed in that short period of time. Sure, back in the day, i’d go on myspace and leave a comment on someones page. Or I’d write a well crafted private message to get a girls attention. Those were simpler times. As the internet progresses, it seems as if the way we communicate within it simplifies to dangerously stupid levels. I recall, when i was still in my relationship, seeing single people floundering on social media. The amount of discussions that would involve someone “Liking a pic” or “They stopped following me” or “They used to like my pics and stopped…are they seeing someone?” were endless. Keep in mind, these were adults in their 30’s talking. Not the teens that Uberfacts “tested”. Now, i wasn’t blind to this stuff. Even the most married person on earth , who’s involved in social media is familiar with this line of thought. It’s not always based on the opposite sex. If betty from potluck tuesdays stops liking your “brisket of the week” pics, she will be put on notice.

Do you know how many relationships have ended over shit like this? People liking other peoples pics. People not liking this persons pics. “Who are you following?” “Why did that guy write that on your profile?”. It’s fucking insane. For every relationship started or groomed on Instagram and facebook, it kills about 15 others.

I just find it fascinating that these tiny things have become the markers for how another person feels. Cause, really, is there anything easier and less committal than “liking” a pic? It’s literally the least you can do outside of nothing. Still, if i were to go on some girls instagram and like 5 of her pics in a row randomly that is me basically sending a bat signal of “I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU”. It’s similar to wishing someone “happy birthday” on facebook. I’m sure I’m not alone in being mildly selective with who I send those wishes to. I’m not saying I withhold birthday wishes (sometimes I forget or I’m simply not paying attention) but there is a method to it and it’s totally premeditated. What I’m saying is that these pointless and completely simple acts do actually mean something and that’s kinda sad. But, still, like and retweet this post so I know it’s real or I…I…I just don’t know what I’ll do.

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“Shoulda had a snickers, your honor…then that man wouldn’t have had to die”

Did I ever tell you about the time I got yelled at in Jury duty? Probably, but this seems like a good time to re-up that.
So, about 10 years ago I had jury duty for the first time. I had avoided it for so long, I foolishly thought I had beat the system…turns out registering to vote has it’s downsides. Anyway, I go in the first day and sit in a room waiting for my name to be called. It’s never called. So, I go back the next day. Now, if my number wasn’t called that day, I was done with jury duty and my life was better for it. With an hour left in my time, my name finally got called and I was pretty annoyed by that.
I walk into the courtroom with a bunch of other miserable people and we all sit down in rows. A lawyer explains the case to us. It’s an arson case. While the lawyer is talking, I’m barely listening cause I’m trying to figure out a way to get out of being on this jury. Truth be told, i’d make an excellent juror. I have the perfect, even handed mind for it. However, ain’t nobody got time for that shit. I had things to do, like, I dunno…sit on my couch and not be on a jury.
So, I start listening to what the judge and lawyers are saying. Trying to find anything they say that I can turn onto myself to make my a less desirable juror. I could have gone with the classic “i’m a racist!” move but , i dunno…it just felt wrong and, also, I was in a room with a wide varieties of ethnicities and I’m not trying to actually have real people think I’m a racist. Luckily, the judge mentions that the defendant would not be taking the stand for this trial. Then asked if anyone had a problem with that. My hand shot up. The judge looked at me and said “Sir, what is you problem with that?”. I honestly hadn’t thought about that so, being the quick witted genius that I am I responded “Well, I dunno…it just seems kinda shady.” I could feel peoples posture change in the room as I had clearly made myself look like the dumbest motherfucker on earth. The judge paused, looked at me and said “So, you think the united states judicial system is shady?” to which I responded “well, no…but, you know…what is she hiding?”. The defendant herself was looking at me like “Are you fucking serious?”. Then the judge went into a 5 minute lecture of how the justice system works and why people do or do not take the stand, all while making sure I know that I’m a fucking idiot. My asshole was thoroughly ripped but I sat there and took it. It felt terrible but, you know what? it worked. I was home the next day with my ass on my couch and not on a jury.
I like to think, perhaps, if the judge had eaten before that interaction, I might not have been so lucky so shout out to that hungry judge!

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Wait…what? No fucking way, Uberfacts. Listen, I’m buying some of the shit you’re selling but a pill that makes people “Slightly” less racist. So many holes.
First off, what’s the test? Do they walk some white person into a room with a bunch of black dudes and test their pulse? And what’s the sliding scale of racism? “Before the pill, this guy would have murdered his daughter for bringing home a latino man but, now? He will be polite about and simply silently seethe over it in the privacy of his own bathroom”. Upgrade!
“Man, i used to hate asians but then I had a heart attack and my doctor put me on Propranolol. Now , i just kinda think they are only slightly less than me!”
Or what if the user is already not that racist (Newsflash: We’re all a LITTLE racist). Would that person all of sudden start disliking their own race? Can it go to far?
Now, I’m no scientist but it sounds to me like , if anything, this drug MAY cause people to feel slight tinges of empathy. And empathy goes all over the place. Not just based on race. That said, if you have a racist uncle , who happens to have heart issues , looks like you might have a go to drug to give him. Or maybe just withhold it from him cause he sounds like a dickhead and , only then, he may stop posting crazy shit on your facebook wall.

Oh Really, Uberfact? Vol. 5

Uberfacts is a twitter handle that spews all sorts of info all day. Some of it is valid, some is useless, other stuff is totally debatable.
Uberfacts, how do they work? I like to imagine a few dudes in a cubicle just making shit up but I suppose there is a science to it all. I like to bring a few of their facts to light as discuss them like an adult would.

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I remember when I first went to college, I was exposed to all sorts of new lifestyles. Like, i knew what a vegetarian was but a vegan? Never seen that before. (Keep in mind,this was the early/mid 90’s). The most shocking lifestyle choice I came across at that time was the straight edge people. A bunch of white dudes from the suburbs with shaved heads and x’s drawn on their hands. Looking at them, they were seemingly a bunch of skinheads who went clubbing the night before. I couldn’t have been more wrong. There was a straight edge guy on my floor in my dorm and I just kinda assumed he was a punk rock kid. Little did I know that his whole existence was not drinking smoking, doing drugs and…having sex. That one threw me for a loop. I realize not all straight edge guys follow that last part but this guy was dedicated. I remember, sitting in the common area of the dorm just grilling him about it all. Not trying to be a dick but generally curious that someone would choose this lifestyle. Beyond just that, that someone would promote it, as opposed to just living that way a shutting up about it. I mean, I drank in high school, but I didn’t smoke or do drugs. I also barely had any sex but that wasn’t cause I was making a statement, it’s cause I was a teenaged coward. I remember speaking to this guy like “Wait, so why not just don’t do those things and live your life? Is the fashion statement necessary?” He came back with some convoluted response about society and how he’s taking a stand. I dunno. I kinda checked out to be honest.

I bring all that up cause , seeing the word “Sapiosexual” all over Tinder had me scratching my head in a similar fashion. I am totally out of the loop with some of this dating site lingo. I quickly learned that TS means transexual but, outside of that, I kept seeing Sapiosexual pop up and thought it mean maybe it was a person who fucked food or a person who was only turned on by cavemen. So, I looked it up and learned it was people who are sexually attracted to intelligence. Oh….okay. So, basically,  on this dating site based on peoples looks, these people are here to tell us nothing gets them wetter than a beautiful mind.  Now, I’m in no way saying people aren’t attracted to intelligence. I mean, shit, didn’t Stephen hawking cheat on his wife? That’s real deal. But I’mma need these tinder Sapiosexuals to cut the bullshit. Lemme see them , swiping some dude in a lab coat who looks like George Costanza. I have the sneaking suspicion that, by intelligence, they mean a tall , handsome dude with a beard who knows a little about craft beer and has a decent mind for movie trivia. Cause none of these hipster girls that put that in their profile are hanging outside college laboratories in tiny skirts looking for mr. right. Sorry nerds.  Sapiosexuality is a cute idea and, on some level, it exists but it’s some false hope for all those truly brilliant, socially retarded types out there looking for love.  I’d imagine it’s like real gluten allergies. Only 2% of the people who claim it ACTUALLY have it.

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This is one of those “Man, I am outta touch” moments. I thought Wiz Khalifa was just that dude who made “black and yellow” then he kinda slipped into the background. Artists like him, Tyga, Meek millz…I don’t know a single person who actively listens to their music. And, if I did, I’d be like “Why?” Nothing against their music. It’s, um…fine I guess. But when people settle for the most basic shit out there, it makes me wonder if they realize they have options. All those dudes are lamer versions of better musicians. Why not just listen to the good version? No one’s putting a gun to your head and forcing you to like anything. The fact Wiz holds a record for most plays anywhere is insane. More than Kanye? More than Drake? Hell, more than Mumford and sons? It’s just not something I woulda seen coming. While I’d like to dismiss this all as classic Uberfacts bullshit, it’s probably true and I blame teenagers. I always blame teenagers. You motherfuckers are the worst.

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Man, those are some good odds. I’m not one of them, as I can barely touch my toes but, hey, more power to you if you are. This all raises the question: If you could, would you suck your own dick? I think it deserves a poll.

Now, sucking your own dick is a tricky topic. First off, even if you can do, I can’t imagine rolling yourself up in a ball a scarfing down your own cock would be very comfortable. Secondly, it really challenges a mans sexuality. It’s your dick, but it’s still a dick in your mouth. Is that gay? I dunno. I’m sure some will argue that it’s no different than jerking off but I’d say that’s short sighted. Hands and mouths are different things. Like, for instance, if you have to wipe your ass using your mouth (somehow) I’d imagine we’d live in a world of bidets everywhere. The act of fellating yourself has two parts, the beginning and the end. I feel most dudes would give that first part a whirl cause , hey, it probably feels great if you can remove the thought that you are, in fact , sucking a dick. That second part though…that’s the test. Do you bust in your own mouth? Surely that’s a line being crossed. Do you give yourself a facial? I’d think an enlightened man might do it just to put himself in the position of a female for once. Also, what if a dick in your mouth just feels “right”? I feel as though sucking your own dick is a pandoras box for any man who’s even remotely confused with his sexuality. In a way, it could be a way of learning about yourself. I bet that’s a scary prospect. Either way, I’m glad I can’t touch my toes.

(Side note: If you have sucked your own dick, I wanna interview you. I’m 100% serious. Email me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com and I’ll send you some questions. It will 100% anonymous when I post it and I will never give up your name in any way. This is a fascinating thing that could make for an amazing article. Don’t be shy. Let’s talk, bro. )

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Ohhhh, Uberfacts spilling those beans! Uberfacts all by the water cooler , coyly sipping their coffee, darting glances both ways before leaning in to say “girl, did you hear about Nicole? She said her and Tommy never felt right!” *giggles insue*.
I feel it should be noted that the word “claims” should never be used in something that’s based on “facts”. I don’t doubt Nicole Kidman was never comfortable with Tom Cruise. Arranged marriages will do that to you. But, I dunno, maybe Uberfacts needs to bring it in a little. Stick to telling me that a group of bears is called a “slurth” (i made that up) or that the average teenager ingests a gallon of sperm before they reach 18 (also, made up). At least that’s based on some reality. Talking about an actresses feelings? Come on, Uberfacts, EVEN you are better than that.

Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 4

Uberfacts is a twitter profile that vomits up “facts” all day. sometimes enlightening, sometimes moronic, there is no filter on what they post. So, every now and then I like to shine a spotlight on some of my favorite ones and discuss them. For better or for worse. So, what’s up #uberfacts? Learn me!

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First off, what? In classic Uberfacts fashion they pull a “fact” out that could not possibly be proven. What did they do? Go to fucking Ireland and notice everyone was have sex? So, while I deem this study to be total bullshit I see what they’re doing here. Yes, it’s all part of the ginger propaganda machine. For years, gingers have been the focus of ridicule and scoffed at as sexual beings but , now, it is there time to take back the night (cause they shouldn’t be in the sun during the day, obviously).
I don’t know if you’ve noticed but there has been a shift in opinion worldwide about redheads. Now, to be fair, there have always been attractive redheads. Jessica rabbit, Molly Ringwald, that guy from that thing. It’s crazy to say there hasn’t been. But in the last few years I’ve noticed gingers not only gain more acceptance but actually become hot commodities. From Ron Howard to his hot daughter. That’s the transition.
These trends of physical traits have been going on for a while. Remember when girls having really short hair got very popular? Or how bout when being an extremely skinny man was the way to be? What about the whole “beard” thing that’s going on? Or how popular fat asses are? It’s as if the world decides “this is what’s gonna be big right now…”. Well, the ginger illuminate got their wish cause I’ll be damned if I haven’t heard an abundance of men and women comment on how hot gingers are lately.
It’s funny cause just a few years ago, they were looked as mostly hyper pale, dead behind the eyes freckle monsters, devoid of souls (Anyone who saw the South park episode knows what I’m talking about) but now? That alabaster skin spackled with dashes of melanin is what’s popping. Who knew?
Anyway, I’m sure it sounds like I’m bashing them but I’m really not. Hot people are hot. Redhead or whatever. I’ll just start to worry when girls start wanting to fuck Alfred E. Neuman looking ass dudes simply cause their hair is red. That will be worse that the chinless beard dudes getting primo vagina cause they were smart enough to cover up their awful faces with hair.

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I’m not posting this to deny it. In fact, I don’t doubt that’s actually pretty tame for what Japan offers, in terms of bizarre candy. I really just wanna discuss how weird some japanese shit is to us americans and wonder “Do they feel the same way about us?”.
Like, when japanese people come to the states and see sour cream and onion chips, are they like “WTF??!?!!?”. When they watch our gameshows, do they scratch their head at how simple and boring they are? When they see our porn, are they like “First off, eww…you can see the penetration but secondly, where are all the squids? What is this amateur hour shit!?”
It’s amazing how far two cultures can be from each other yet still garner obsession from both sides. For instance, it doesn’t shock me to me that japanese people see hip hop and turn it into this crazy things where they grow dreads and dye their skin. That’s teenaged rebellion I think everyone can relate to. Sure, they go that extra mile but it makes sense. Same way some americans will get deep into Anime and basically become japanese teenagers.
As much crazy shit goes on in japan (I mean, they have used panties vending machines there, for christ sake), the culture of junk food has always fascinated me. Every culture has their own thing. But, in most cases, it translates in some way. I mean, shit, we’re dealing with sugar here. how weird can it get? Apparently, very weird. Soy sauce and chocolate. It just doesn’t make sense. so part of me believes that no one actually eats and enjoys these treats. They exist simply to exist. It’s not that different from artisanal ice cream makers who try and pull off flavors that have no business existing. “Hey penelope, you really must try this blue cheese , waffles and vegemite ice cream I made!” It’s like japanese but a million times more pretentious.
i guess what I’m trying to say here is that all cultures have their weird ideas. We’re all the same, guys! just kidding. We are nothing alike. But, that’s okay.

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Say word?
I’ve seen many caterpillars in my life and I have yet to see one shoot it’s shit in the air. Are these caterpillars like the “squirters” of the caterpillar community? There has to be slow motion super close up footage of this somewhere. National geographic should be all over it. Please, dear reader, find me a clip and post it in the comments. I need to witness this. Otherwise, it just sounds like something a guy at uberfacts made up. If that is the case, I’m not even mad at it. Making up facts for random creatures is kinda genius. Like, did you know that when an Ocelot is frightened it gives it’s predator a case of pink eye using only mind power? It’s crazy, right. #uberfact.
Did you know that when a female flamingo is aroused, it’s labia lips rub together like cricket legs but somehow create a sound that sounds strikingly familiar to the Miami Vice theme song? It’s true. #Uberfacts
It’s a little know fact that, when they are born, turtles have the innate sense of understanding human sign language but, as they age, they forget it. #uberfacts
Emotionally, there is not an otter alive who isn’t at least slighty bi-polar. #uberfacts

I could do this for days. In fact, it makes me want to create a fake uberfacts account just to do it. But, alas, I’m lazy and who cares? instead, I’mma go into a youtube wormhole and not leave until I see caterpillar shit shooting through the sky like the worlds grossest fireworks.

Oh really, Uberfacts? vol. 3

Uberfacts is a lovely little twitter profile that posts “facts” all day. They range from actual truths to completely made up bullshit. I like to spotlight some of their tweets as a means to open a dialogue. A one man dialogue. So really, more like a soliloquy. Whatever it is, it’s a chance to rant about some random stuff, which is always fun for me in the mornings.

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This is not really a case of “Sounds like a load a of bullshit, uberfacts!”. In fact, I believe this 100%. I more wanna just point out how enraged the US would be if they did this to us. Can you imagine? All the social injustice going on right now and  , I guarantee , the news would stop even pretending to care about baltimore and break a story that the internet will be off for a few hours a night from here on out. Not only would there be a spike in teen suicides but I think the entire nation would riot. People would be running up in their Time Warner, Comcast and Fios affiliates and flipping tables. The scorned  masturbators alone would be enough to have to bring in the national guard.  It would seriously be the end of life as we know it and probably result in some mad max like scenario where rebels drive around in armed trucks , fondling their laptops, looking for the last remaining WiFi signals after 3 am. The only place you could go for any internet will be airports where they still charge you $9.99 for a Boingo hotspot that is a shoddy connection, at best. That is not a world we should ever live in.

To be honest, I don’t even know how these other places do it. Eastern europe? Asia? Those are some internet using motherfuckers. You would think the online gaming community alone would have already run up on these crackers in their city halls. Or, perhaps, they have some perspective on this that we never could. I’m sure it’s a money saving move and not for the betterment of their countries but still…it’s bold as fuck.

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Oh did it?  Did a new study also discover that cocaine makes shy people chatty? This is another one of those “Why even do this fucking study, bro?” studies. Being drunk makes people a lot of things. Happy, sad, lonely, social, angry, horny, etc…For many people, getting drunk is like eating a super mario mushroom for their emotions. Whatever they’re feeling that day, will be amplified. Some people are good drunks. Some people are always bad drunks. Those bad drunks tend to be sitting on some issues that rear their ugly heads when that drunken force field is down. So, regardless of the mood of that day, a few shots with release the kraken and the kraken sucks to be around.

In the case of “Spiritual” people, this is not surprising at all to me. I’ve met some people who claim to be spiritual beings who are seething cauldrons of rage. If you think about it, it makes sense. someone who goes out of their way to be “spiritual” (not to be confused with any religion) is looking for a deeper meaning in life. They’re looking for inner peace. Which means, in reality, they probably don’t have that inner peace. In reality, they’re probably bubbling over with anger, confusion , anxiety and all sort of other shitty feelings we all have on a daily basis. But, they try to suppress it. That’s where booze comes in. It’s the ultimate finder in the game of emotional hide and seek. Oh, you’re harboring some petty disdain for a friend of yours over some bullshit that happened 5 years ago? Well, booze found that hiding under the bed and , 6 drinks in, it’s out the bag and you can’t control yourself. All the yoga, meditation and enlightened readings in the world can’t save you.

It’s funny cause, over the years, I’ve been able to travel a lot and meet all sorts of people. One type of person I’ve learned about is the “Angry hippie”. In my mind, this doesn’t make sense but, man…they’re everywhere. My advice to them would be to smoke more weed and drink less booze. Not cause one is better than the other but cause, clearly, that underlaying rage need not be stirred. Unless you wanna go see a shrink or something. That I fully recommend cause, hey, some people really need that shit.

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Yes , Uberfacts, dumb kids become dumb adults.

This is something I learned far too late in life. When you’re a child, you kind of assume adults are smarter than you. which is good cause, in general, they are. They have experience and perspective that a kid simply doesn’t gain during their short time on earth. However, I’ll never forget the first time I realized that adults can be morons too. That , just cause you’re older, it doesn’t mean you’re automatically an authority on anything. To be clear, I’m a huge proponent to respecting your elders. No matter who it is. That said, there is no shortage of completely moronic fully formed adults. You know that kid you knew in high school who was a complete fucking idiot frat boy dickhead? Guess what? It’s 20 years later and he’s still that same piece of shit. Only difference is that he has a job and family now. He’s most likely raising shitty kids cut from the same shitty cloth and the cycle will never end.

Some closed minded , angry little 8 year old isn’t guaranteed to be an angry little homophobic racist when he gets older but he’s definitely “more likely” than they mellow,open minded kid who drew unicorns in class all day.  The sad thing about this all is that it can entirely be traced back to the parents. Dumb adults create dumb children. It goes on for generations. Luckily, there are some kids that can rise out of a household of morons and somehow find their way to the light.  Hats off to them. They’re really the ones who might tip the scales in a positive way later on.

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Man…I’m not a conspiracy theorist at all. I don’t believe anything. So, when my facebook wall is flooded with all this “facebook can see into your soul!!!” propaganda I just ignore it. In reality, it’s probably true. Facebook is a monster. A nosey monster who’s all up in your shit. But they aren’t selling your status updates to the NSA. They’re just marketing on a level we can’t even comprehend. We are all stats to them. People losing their shit over facebook using their profiles for this or that have a serious lack of understanding how unimportant they are individually. Facebook doesn’t care about your baby pics or what the sunrise looks like in Bali. Facebook wants to know what TV you’re watching and what restaurant you ate at last night. It could care less about your food pic, but if you tag where it was taken? Cha-ching! This is not the illuminati. It’s a billion dollar company that’s trying to make more billions. So, while it may be invading your privacy, it’s goal isn’t to take over the world. It’s simply to know where to post that pizza hut ad versus a more local only pizzaria that might appeal to you and people like you. Cause you are just a number in a file report. You’re not even a real person.

All that said, when I read shit like this uberfact it’s a little unnerving. WTF facebook? Don’t you know I write all my best racist jokes as status updates but then never send them cause, you know, sometimes you gotta just write it out to expel those demons, right? But seriously, this is lame on both ends. It’s weird that facebook can do that but also weird that people would be THAT bothered by it. I’m sure all it amounts to is facebook getting to see a shit load of insecure thoughts that never got published or bad jokes that the writer wisely opted out of posting. I highly doubt it’s catching some terrorist who was about to post some inflammatory rant but then was like “Eh, not today…”.

So, yeah, just accept that facebook is all up in your business but also recognize that facebook doesn’t give a fuck about you or your thoughts. Btw, if you really want to be kept out of things, stop hashtagging. That alone invites all sorts of attention into your life. Better yet, you want some privacy? Get off facebook. Buy a burner phone and go live in the woods. Only then can you be truly off the grid and safe from Mark Zuckerberg.

Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 2

Uberfacts. I love them and hate them. Love them cause they teach me things and hate them cause they make shit up all the time. It’s really a situation where you can choose to believe what you want and I do actually appreciate that.
If you don’t know what Uberfacts are, it’s not a taxi service that speaks truths. It’s a twitter account that posts little nuggets of wisdom about 30 times a day. Sometimes it’s compelling. Other times, infuriating. So, I sifted through some recent ones and wanted to look a little deeper into what was really going on (this by no means is to say I did any researching or myth busting, that would be way too much effort).

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Here’s a common problem with uberfacts. They make scientific claims about things that are completely opinion based. Like attractiveness. If you asked this question to some girls , the thing that will pop in their minds is that Adrian Brody will live forver. Ask a different girl, and it might be Jack Black. Meanwhile, you man River Phoenix died before he turned 30. On top of that, I’ve seen some truly awful looking 90 year olds in my life time. Granted, they were 90 so it’s not like anyone is going to be particularly fuckable at that age but still…
On the other hand, there is some science to this that, with more that 141 characters, might be convincing. The same way people who are beautiful are often the least interesting, that could be applied to this “theory” too. People who have been really good looking their whole lives tend to have a somewhat charmed existence. As long as they’ve been alive people have been doing them favors, giving them extra and , basically, treating them like celebrities. At the very least, being good looking affords people the benifit of the doubt from strangers. This often leads to a person having a false sense of importance. Understandably so. If I was told I was amazing by everyone I met since I was 4, I’d probably be pretty entitled too. But, in reality, they often end up like not fully realized people. It’s like , emotionally, they got taken out of the oven too soon. So, on the same note, I could see that same charmed life, of being fawned over and complimented constantly, somehow translating to a longer lifespan. Less stress. More open doors. Basically, the mild sense of delusion could add a few years to anyones life.
I’m basing this entirely on nothing but, hey, so does Uberfacts so it’s probably about as correct.

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This is not one that i particularly find fault in, I’d just like more info on it. i walk fast. Am I gonna die Uberfacts?!?! Tell me! Do bowlegged people die young? is there a heaven for people who walk with a fake limp? This is an issue with these uberfacts. Just putting this kind of info out into the ether and not specifying leaves a lot of questions. It’s like when local news do those lead in like “Coming up next, this type of candy bar will give you full blown AIDS…more details at the end of the show!” except Uberfacts doesn’t even offer more info at the end of the show. There is no show. It’s uberfacts.
(I guess I could google this a figure it out but, you know, that’s so much typing…)

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I don’t doubt this is real. in fact, of course it is. “They” will offer anyone a million dollars to make a porn. But, in the case of Mama June…who is this for? As a man who will watch pretty much any celebrity sex tapes, I have a pretty long leash when it comes to what I let my eyes soak in. Even if I’m not into the girl, curiosity will at least push me to check it out. I watched the gross one with Chyna and her “not penis”. I even checked out the one with Screech. Like I said, I’ll peep it just to peep it. I guess I’m a voyeur like that. But this? No fucking way. I’d divert my eyes from this like the fucking lost ark. So, the question is, if a guy like me wouldn’t watch this, who would? Oh, I’m sure there are a handful of people who fetish this may fall into but certainly not $1,000,000 worth.
This leads me to believe that this movie would be getting made specifically to humiliate this woman. No other reason. It’s a case of “What would you do for a million dollars?” but on a public scale. I hope she says no. i’m assuming she will. But really, even if she says yes, I feel like it will exist in vacuum anyway. If mama june makes a porn in the forest and no one is there to see it, does it make a sound?

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In other news, if you eat food, you will not starve to death. Also, breathing air has been known to lengthen peoples lifespan. This just in: farts often smell and bears have been known to defecate within the confines of woodland areas.
Yes, Uberfacts, this is technically a fact but someone was clearly late for lunch when that one got posted.

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This effects me on a few levels.
1)It seems like everyone has a scheme. Shark tank can only give out so much money. For every great idea that spawns millions of dollars, there’s a terrible fucking idea that also probably spawns millions of dollars. I’d like to hope that the “We take your stuffed animals on vacations” people are not rolling in money cause, come the fuck on…but who knows? With businesses like this, i feel as though it’s not the business itself, it’s finding people dumb enough to sign up. It’s kinda like getting mad at an artist for making shitty music. When, in reality, you should always blame the fans cause, without those fans, this artist wouldn’t have existed in the first place.
2)How much money do we have , as a country, that this is a thing? I’m not a “there are people starving in africa!” kinda guy but, seriously, there are people starving in africa. Meanwhile, Mr. buttons the stuffed ocelot gets a trip to cancun? That’s just insane.
3)How documented are these trips? Do they include pictures of the stuffed animal doing stuff? Or is it just assumed the animal traveled? Cause, if it’s the latter, I take it all back and the people who made this company up are fucking geniuses.

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Umm…What? There must be a catch to this. Like something to do with the lining between a woman’s vagina and intestines. “Some woman” means , like, a few ever in the history of time, right? I need more info on this. WE ALL NEED MORE INFO ON THIS. But, regardless, ladies…be sure to wipe your shitty pussies.

Oh really, Uberfacts?!?!?!

Twitter is a fun place to release brain farts into the ether. It’s also a fun place to complain to strangers about said brain farts. But sometimes, the human brain requires more. Better food for thought. Perhaps, I wanna learn something every now and then. That’s where Uberfacts comes in. I don’t know who runs it. I don’t know who does their research. All i know is that @Uberfacts is source of some of the most interesting and highly debatable “facts” ever known to man. For that reason, it’s one of my favorite “people” on twitter to follow. So much knowledge. So much made up, completely bullshit knowledge. But, if you’re at all a smug, know it all kinda person, Uberfacts is your friend. I figure I’d take this time out to show you guys some “facts”. And perhaps discuss them. Now, keep in mind, I don’t know shit. These things could very well be true. All of them. OR, they could be completely made up. I’m far too lazy to research any of the claims and , also, who cares? But, let’s take a peak for the fun of it…
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Oh really, Uberfacts?!?! I’m sure a persons will to live lessens when there is no one else to live for. That said, I don’t recall anyone getting cancer from loneliness, nor do I recall Diabetes being caused sitting alone in your parents basement playing world of warcraft. That said, 15 cigarettes isn’t THAT many a day, compared to people who really put down a pack or two a day. So, perhaps, being a lonely person who sits in their own filth and eats 5 sleeves of Oreos a day is worse for you than smoking and being obese. But basic loneliness? If that was the case, there’d be a lot more dead crazy old cat ladies. Those broads live to be , like, 200.

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So, in other words, Wiz Kalifah keep his left shoe on all the time, right? Get it!??! he’s never in the zone! ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Side note, this is probably true and that’s fucking hilarious.

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This is one of those Uberfacts I’d show people and be like “See! I’m not an impatient dickhead! I’m just a happy and confidant person!” as I aggressively weave in and out of crowded streets with a look of disdain on my face..
The problem with this “fact” is a similar problem to many “facts” stated by uber. What was the study on this? How’d they figure that out? Did they take 100 people and time them while they walked, then do a psychological test after to gauge their happiness and confidence? i’mma guess they didn’t. I’d venture to say uberfacts research on that was, at most , “Hey, look at that guy walking fast and smiling…”.
Still, I ride for this one cause it applies to me. Regardless of how completely full of shit it may be.

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Finally…this seems legit. And it’s something I could see actual studies done on. Sleep research is boundless and they pretty much cover everything. So, this being a thing makes all the sense in the world. It’s also another one that plays nicely into my own personal agenda. I’m a very anti-snooze alarm. it makes no sense to me. Why wake up earlier just to get 20 more minutes of shitty sleep when you can just set your alarm to the time you have to get up , without the interruption? I get that people need to be revved up in the morning but I refuse to believe people who hit the snooze button 5 times are better rested. And uberfacts got my back, bro.

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Panda Porn? Really? I’mma need WAY more details on Panda Porn ,uberfacts. Where is it made? is there backstory to the scenes? Do pandas have multiple sexual positions? How deep does it get, fetish , wise? Who directs these porns? Do other animals have similar porn? Do animals understand what porn is? Feel free to take your time and answer all these questions. It’s cool, uberfacts, I can wait.

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I don’t wanna take the wind out of the sails on this one cause, really, if I can blame me being an asshole on something other than me simply being an asshole, i will. however, “IMS” simply sounds like me when I’m really hungry. If that’s the case, I get “IMS” a few times a day. So, ladies, if you see me and I’m being the worst, it’s not me, it’s IMS. To fix it, simply buy me a meal. Clearly, snickers already has cornered the market on curing this.

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Here’s the thing…I eat incredibly fast. I always have. People are amazed and appalled by me on a daily basis. While i’m not exactly svelt, I’ve also never been too tubby. So, perhaps my genetics are so that my metabolism happens to keep up with the speed in which I shove food into my mouth. So, as an exception to the rule, I’d like a formal apology from Uberfacts. That said, scientifically, I’m sure this makes all the sense in the world. But, whatever…If it were true I’d be like 400 pounds.

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I just found this interesting on so many levels. The size of balls are such a curious thing. One would think: The bigger the balls, the bigger the loads, the more fertile the man. While that might be true (it’s probably not at all) the concept of small nuts equaling good fathers is…well…preposterous. Why? Well, first off, what the scientific code for being a good dad? That’s not exactly quantifiable. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and we were trying to list off all the good dads of our friends. out of about 30 people, we came up with 3. It was really depressing. So, clearly, lots of big nuts out there. So, ladies, next time you’re performing oral sex on a dude and you see two little raisins down there, let him put a baby in you cause he’s in it for the long run…with his little baby nuts.