All My unlikely remixes

So, if you follow me on social media , you may have noticed I have been churning out remixes of old songs. What started as an exercise in song arranging (and also my most favorite thing to do for fun) turned into a mild obsession. I ended up making over a dozen of them , during the course of a few weeks in august. After that, i slowly leaked one or two a week on youtube. Thing is, these are all songs i can never sell or put up on any website cause they’re unofficial remixes and would never make it past any copyright laws. At first i thought it would be fun to just have them be their own thing on youtube but then people started asking me about owning them. i considered a few options but , at the end of the day, there is no legally viable way to disperse these for money or make them streamable. So, instead, i gotta do this…

You can only download these remixes (and a bunch of older ones I threw in for good measure) RIGHT HERE. I don’t want your money. I just wanna share them cause I’m proud of them and want people seem to enjoy them. Well, most of them. Lots of angry George Michael fans out there and apparently the 80’s band Simply Red fucked some of your moms or something cause , wow…

anyway, here’s a link to songs. I’m giving them as MP3’s , not WAVs cause it’s a much smaller file and I honestly couldn’t find some of the older ones in WAV form. Sorry audiophiles…these wlll have to do

https://www.mediafire.com/file/cxngcbnlldyftbz/Unlikely_remixes_MP3%2527s.zip/file

(if this link goes down, lemme know and I’ll put a new one up)

Here’s the tracklist

A song for you- Donny Hathaway

Ain’t No Sunshine- Bill Withers (feat YUNG MJ)

Bad and Boujee- The Migos

BellyAche- Billie Eilish

Bitch betta have my Money- Rihanna

Break on through- The Doors

Careless Whisper- George Michael

Classic man- Jidenna

Codiene crazy- Future

Crazy- Gnarls Barkley

Don’t stop Believing- Journey

Fast car- Tracy Chapman

Holding Back the Years- Simply Red

I can’t feel my Face- The Weeknd

In the Air Tonight-  Phil Collins

Jolene- Dolly Parton

Return of the Mack- Mark Morrison

State Trooper- Bruce SpringSteen

Take On me- A-Ha

NEW SINGLE ALERT

Here we gooooo!

I wanted to start this off on an upbeat note cause it feels like there is a light at the end of the tunnel for all this madness the last 5 years or so. So, cheer up, you’re not dead yet and enjoy.

album drop September 3rd on Future Archive recordings.

Acknowledge Your History

When i was 13 years old, my interests in life included jerking off with no abandon, listening to rap music, playing basketball/baseball and joking around with friends as much as possible. Not much has changed since then but I just wanted to spotlight a brief but indelible moment in my life that has had lasting effects. During that era , i was very much starting to ramp up my obsession with hip hop music. In the 3 year period from 11-13 , my hyper focus had really zeroed in on it as something I was all about. That said, when you’re 11,12 or 13…you’re at that age where low brow is king. So, while I loved Big Daddy Kane and Rakim, the adolescent in me was especially drawn to the dirty rappers. NWA, The Geto boys and, most of all, 2 Live crew.  I loved that shit. At an age when your hormones are absolutely out of control , what’s better for a boy going through puberty than some grown men rapping about sex in a way that my young mind couldn’t fathom. On one song , Fresh Kid Ice,  of 2 Live crew, bragged of having a 15 inch long, 8 inches thick dick. Hearing that now, i laugh cause, well, that doesn’t exist and have you seen what fresh kid ice looks like? He was a short fat guy with what was likely a very humble penis. 

Anyway, i say all that to say this…and this is a story I’ve told before in a few places but it’s crucial to where this is going. One of my friends in grade school was also a guy who was into hip hop and we would tell each other about new rappers. One day, he came into school and told me about this group The Jungle Brothers. I hadn’t heard of them and he framed them to be another super dirty rap group i would love. I left school what day and went directly to sam goody to buy the cassette. I hadn’t heard a second of them but i trusted his opinion. Also, the internet didn’t exist so it’s not like i could try it first. When i got to the record store, they had two titles, one was their debut album “Straight out the jungle”, which actually looked familiar to me. I looked at the cover and recognized the song “Jimbrowski”. It was a song about their dicks! Bingo.

The other album had just came out that week , with colorful cover art work blending reds, blacks and greens together called “done by the forces of nature”. I only had enough money for one of them so I opted to get the new one cause, for some reason, I felt they would have only gotten dirtier. So i took the album home, popped it in my tape deck and let it ride. It was different. They were talking about stuff I had never heard rappers talk about in a way that was unfamiliar. I honestly didn’t know what to think about it. But, more than anything, it was clean. So clean. there wasn’t a curse on the album. In fact, the dirtiest line in the whole album is on the song “Belly dancing dina” where they say “How hard? hard about a yard” (take that fresh kid ice, with your tiny 15 inch dick). But, outside of that? This album was downright wholesome. About peace love and , most of all, afrocentricity.  Now this wasn’t a totally new concept to me. Rakim rapped about his faith. Public enemy was fighting the power.  BDP certainly did. I even think X-clan’s first single had dropped at this point. Maybe even the Poor righteous teachers. But i had never heard it portrayed this way, nor had i really had much interest in it.  So, while i was disappointed with the lack of sex tales on this record i had bought specifically for its sex tales , I found myself playing it over and over. I was drawn to it in a way i had never felt before. I ran that tape back for weeks, learned it inside out. Sure, i still also played my 2 live crew albums but this was the first album that actually made me think outside my existence as a white kid. One song in particular was very heavy to me and that was “Acknowledge your own history”.

Mind you, i was a kid in grade school learning about history in the late 80’s/early 90’s. I would legit read from encyclopedias for all my historic info and to say that version of history was slanted would be an understatement.  To think some of my most enlightening moments in that time came from rap music is wild but it’s absolutely true.  When we are that age, we are so impressionable. I understand why 12 year olds can be easily radicalized by their parents when all they hear every day is racist, xenophobic vitriol. Same reason kids stay in church after growing up in it. We are groomed by our surroundings. But, looking back at me during that time, I could have easily gone the rout of the 2 live crew and been a womanizing psycho misogynist . But , even then, I always looked at that kinda stuff as comedy. Like rappers talking about their dicks and murdering people was no different to me than wrestling. It was entertainment. Not sure how i knew that then but I just inherently did. So becoming that person was never even a thought to me. Meanwhile, listening to the Jungle brothers, i felt a genuine connection to it but, more importantly, an empathy towards what they were talking about. I knew i was just a little white kid living in NYC. My life was good. i had things. I could say I was aware of my privilege but i certainly wasn’t aware of that as a concept back then. At that age, all you know is what’s in front of you. Still, I believed the injustice they were talking about. That song was made over 30 years ago and still resonates today. Which is crazy when you think of how badly so much hip hop ages, ESPECIALLY on a social level.  

Now, I don’t want this to come off as an “In my day…” old man rant but hearing this kinda music at that specific age was hugely influential on the person I have become. And i’m certainly not gonna turn this into a “Kids these days with their trap music…” cause i honestly don’t think it’s a fair comparison. In my day, we had no internet. Our information came from tv, movies, music, teachers, books, and parents. That’s it. So, without these kinda of songs that the Jungle Brothers made, no one would have ever opened my eyes to such topics. Not cause they were racist or trying to hide truths from but cause it just wasn’t something people really made an effort to speak on. There was no urgency then to teach these kinds of things, on top of the reality that most of us were taught the wrong things to begin with so we didn’t know what was real to begin with.These days, for every song about a gushy pussy or drug deals there are countless social awareness outlets constantly being thrust at you. While it can seem almost overwhelming at times I also realize i’m not the target audience for this. some 13 year old in the the middle of bumblefuck white america questioning whether his dad calling someone a “beaner” is okay ,however? Stuff can really make a difference. At the very least make people question things they’ve been taught to believe from a young age. As a species, we need these voices from the outside. We need to be able to compare and contrast out experiences cause, otherwise, that’s all we really know. You wonder why motherfuckers are refusing to wear masks or calling BLM a terrorist group or thinking gay people shouldn’t have the same rights as everyone…it’s often cause they can’t see past their own nose when it comes to experiences. Trust, if any of these people had a gay kid , had a son killed by police for nothing, or got covid, they might start to reevaluate their stances. At least i would hope they would. Which is why it’s so important to expose people to all walks of life as much as you can at a young age. Perspective is everything. For me, one song by a rap group I had hoped was gonna rap about fucking bitches turned out to be a door opening to help me understand social inequality. Everyone just needs that door. Man, I hope some of these fuckers find a door soon.

Blockhead merch bonanza!!

Hi there.

So, Prior to this pandemic, I had ordered a bunch of merch i was planning on selling when I toured. Seeing as it looks like that won’t be possible for a long time, I’ve decided to make it available for order online. Now, keep in mind, I am not a business. I am one person with minimal organizational skills so I’ll be sending all this stuff out by hand. Also take that into consideration when considering the method in which i sell them. If you want any of these items below, email me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com. All payments can only be made over venmo or paypal. Like i said, i’m not a business so sorry if this limits things. Also, shirt sizes range from s-xl. Shipping costs included in the price and I’m only sending these within the US (unless you’re willing to cover those shipping costs, then we can try and figure something out).

Anyway, here’s what I got available and the price:

Blockhead “Blockbuster” hat. $40

Blockhead “blockbuster” T shirt Blue $30
Blockhead “Blockbuster” Shirt Cream $3o
Blockhead “Blockbuster” Beanie $23
Blockhead Pin $12
Blockhead baseball hat Black $25

These following items are all VERY limited in quantity. Sizes range from s-xl. They are all drawings of mine that Aesop found in an old sketch book of his. i liked them so much I decided to make them into shirts.

Light yellow Lil’ Devil shirt (20 shirts printed) $35

Forest green “Bag o’ bitch ass” shirt. (10 shirts made) $35
Grey “Almost Billy Zane” shirt. (5 shirts made) $35

That’s in. If you see and wanna ow any of these things, Hit me up at Phatfriendblog@gmail.com and we will make it happen.

Thanks for the support!

Check this remix I did: Fill up glass by The Giraffes

So, I do a lot of remixes. They’re fun. And i generally am very happy with how they come out. I recently got to do a special one and I wanna tell you about it.
Damien Paris is a guy I’ve known since I was 16 , when we met in an SAT study course. Literally one of my oldest friends but, more importantly, he’s the guy responsible for some of the best basslines and guitar riffs on all my albums. He’s THAT GUY. A better place? That’s him. Triptych 3 bassline? That’s him. Any solo…and riff on any album of mine you can think of, he did that.
Well, when he’s not doing menial labor for me, he’s in his own band, The Giraffes. They’re a hard rock outfit from brooklyn and have been doing their thing since the 90’s. We’ve always wanted to collaborate somehow but it’s tricky cause, musically, we are in different hemispheres. WELL, not anymore!
I’m happy to say i remixed one of their songs and it came out awesome.
So please check it out. We are all quite proud of it.
https://open.spotify.com/track/2HeG3xVALT5AsbaTnLJTOQ?si=v-rpimToSwe2FeinAlm9pg

And while you’re here…
here are some other recent remixes I’ve done you might enjoy:
GRN by CNJR
https://open.spotify.com/track/5Z9APXIvu7aUZwIuY5mzos?si=BlprL29bRBWP5Z7y4nEBqQ

Coming back by Frameworks
https://open.spotify.com/track/4fBqWHl8uPwdA07mP9zYXG?si=qZo_COrdTNmZxA5g4-1qlw

Let’s talk idol worship and fandom

So, this weekend, Beyonce apparently gave one of the greatest performances in the history of the universe at Coachella. I didn’t see it but I also don’t doubt it. Beyonce is incredibly talented and has the means , creativity and balls to put together such a performance. I was playing a show that night but, when I returned to my hotel room, my twitter and facebook feeds were ablaze with people frothing at the mouth about this performance. The clips looked great. Sounds like there were all sorts of surprises and that she truly brought it on all levels. Again, Beyonce is great. She is without question an iconic inspirational person for millions of people and, by all accounts, a good person beyond that. Just wanna clarify that cause I know how nuance in 2018 works and how easily people miss the message. All that said, the reaction to her performance was what I might expect if someone cured cancer. I’m really not trying to take anything away from Beyonce here (or anyone for that matter) but we’re talking about a performance by a pop star not someone orchestrating world peace. And this all brings me to the idea of idol worship and why it’s never a good thing.

Let’s start here. We are all people. Yes, this is some hippie shit to say but it’s true. We all eat, shit and sleep. Beyonce has to wipe her ass just like you , me and Donald Trump do (though i think he goes back to front). So, to hold someone else (especially a famous stranger) in such high regard has always seemed odd to me. I mean, people act as if the artists/politicians/celebrity they love are these infallible beings and that’s insane to me. By all means, respect and celebrate your heroes. But never lose perspective that they are simply just human beings like you. Sure, they may be more talented and better looking than you. They may be richer. They may even be smarter. They could be a lot of things you aren’t. But when you just throw your hands in the air and submit to someone entirely, you’re basically treating that person like a deity. Now, the idea of submitting to someone and loving them unconditionally works in real life, like, with people you know and actually love. People who care about you. People who, even though they are not perfect , you accept wholeheartedly. To be this way with a stranger? What is wrong with you? This person you worship doesn’t know you. They certainly don’t care about you. They’re just another person living their lives, unaware of your existence. Meanwhile, you’re willing to go to war for them. It’s the most lopsided one sided relationship of all time.

I’ve never even remotely bought into fanatical fandom. I remember when I was younger, seeing clips of girls at Michael Jackson shows , weeping uncontrollably with outstretched arms in the nosebleed seats of one of his shows. Even as a kid, I was like ”Huh?” cause , to me, it seems very easy to separate my deepest emotions from the fact that i really like someones music. It was like “Yeah, Thriller is a great album but unless you’re saving my family from a burning house my dedication doesn’t go very far beyond buying your next album when it drops”. People get legit psychotic over this kinda stuff. Hell, imagine if I tweeted some shit like “Eh, Beyonce is okay” (disclaimer: THIS IS NOT MY OPINION, JUST AN EXAMPLE) . I’d have 1000’s of lunatics in my mentions eviscerating my entire existence and probably many threats to my life. Hell, I might even have actual friends of mine mad at me.
Can we just step back for a moment and think about that? This would be a bunch of people infuriated that I don’t worship Beyonce. Not even that I think she sucks. But that she’s simply “okay”. I know this is a hypothetical idea I’m talking about but you know I’m right. And this shines a light on how everything is black and white now. The grey area (where common sense, logic and critical thinking exist) is shrinking. It’s all this or all that. It’s as if nuance doesn’t matter. But here’s the thing: EVERYTHING IN NUANCED. Especially human beings. There isn’t a person on earth who doesn’t have one person walking around saying “Man, fuck that guy” , and with good reason. “nobody’s perfect” is something we tell children when they’re learning that it’s okay to make mistakes but I feel as though that point is lost on people who idolize. Look at Trump’s followers. On a daily basis. this dude is brazenly doing and saying awful things and they literally just overlook it (or claim to be “fake news”) and keep pushing ahead. I mean…shit…thinking beyonce is infallible is delusional as fuck but at least you could ATTEMPT to make a case for that. To feel that way about Trump? That’s like willingly eating a pile of dog shit and then telling everyone you know how good it tastes.

I have an odd relationship with idolizing people and fandom partially cause I have fans. The idea of it is weird in itself. It’s something I never quite get used to. Like, i get it…but at the same time, I don’t. And , keep in mind, I’m nobody. I’m not famous. I’m literally a dude who just pushes buttons. but I have had people I never met cry when they met me and that shit is all sorts of weird. Obviously , everyone is different and we all create bonds with things in different way. I’m a practical person. I don’t get wrapped up in my feelings about this kinda thing. But some people aren’t like that at all and that’s okay too. But , not a day goes by that I don’t see someone speaking of or reacting to a famous stranger in a way that makes me feel second hand embarrassed on their behalf.

I’m a fan of many people but not once have I cried or had a meltdown at the sight of them. If anything, I’ve always gone the other way where I actually just choose not to interact with them OR if i did, I was somewhat distant. Cause really, what’s the goal of meeting your idol? Shaking their hand? Having a brief convo? Having a long and meaningful conversation? Becoming their friend? Marrying them? The further it goes into fantasy land the more disappointed the person is when it doesn’t happen. So, for me, it’s always been a “Hey, big fan of you work”, a handshake and keep it moving. Cause the last thing you want to do is find out this person you look up to is a flawed human being just like you and, perhaps, a total asshole.

I’d like to take the phrase “Do not worship false idols” and amend it to say “Do not worship idols”. By doing so, you’re creating a hierarchy of value within the human race that is pretty much baseless. By no means am I saying that people shouldn’t praise their idols. Look up to them. Learn from them. Ride for them and support them in all their endeavors . But , just remember, every person on earth is one pedophile charge away from being deemed a complete piece of shit. So don’t cash in all your chips on a stranger just cause you like how they sing and dance. Or cause they tell you to make America great again. Or anything. Holding someone in high regard and blindly following are two different things. Just remember most things are based in nuance and grey areas. Everything else is just your caveman brain grinding its gears. But, hey, don’t listen to me. I’m just some guy. Just like you.

Billy Woods “Known Unknowns” out now!

Hey guys,
Just wanted to alert you all that Billy Woods new album “Known unknowns” dropped last week and that you should cop it. Why, you may ask? Well, lemme tell you.
1)Woods is a fantastic rapper who will make you feel smart and dumb at the same time.
2)I did 16 beats on it
3)Aesop did the other 2
4)It features raps by Aesop, homeboy sandman, Elucid and Googie
5)It’s, quite honestly, some of my favorite music I’ve ever been involved in making. I’m very proud of this album and hope it gets the shine it deserves
So, yeah…cop dat!
It’s available all over (itunes, apple music, spotify, etc…)
here’s the bandcamp:

If you’re a hard copy kinda head, god bless your archaic soul cause there are cd’s and vinyl (as well as deals for all , and t-shirts) that can be found that the Backwoodz studios website (that’s woods label that put out this album)
http://backwoodzstudioz.com/portfolio/store/

Word up!
Coming next…My new solo album “Funeral Balloons” , august 18th, also on Backwoodz studios. I’ll tell you more about that when the time is right though.

Answers for Questions Vol. 275

owl-bar
Hi there. Welcome to another “Answers for Questions”!
You guys ask me random shit and I oblige. I’d like to thank all the people who have ben submitting questions lately. It’s much appreciated and , basically, keeps this blog going. That said, don’t stop! I always need new content so fire away. Send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Be weird. Be original. That’s all I ask.
Anyway, here’s this weeks batch…

how does one attend NYU graduate school (happening v soon) and not be despised by all?

Do you mean by New yorkers or just in general?
If you mean the former, then don’t worry about it. There are so few natives left, hating on college kids isn’t as much of a thing as it once was. But, just to be safe, simply know your roll. You are a guest, act accordingly. Enjoy all the city has to offer. It’s at your disposal. Just never think you “run this town” on any level and you should be good to go.
If you mean the latter, I don’t think anyone cares about you and your education. Go to school, get your degree. No one will even notice.

what’s your holiday experience generally like?
I’m assuming this is about Christmas.
Well, it’s pretty simple. I just go to my moms house. A random group of family members show up (it varies every year, I have a huge family from all over) and we eat. I stuff my fat face, chat with family members and go home to lay around like a manatee cause, in all reality, I am nursing a brutal hangover from the night before that I had to pretend wasn’t there during the family meal.

James Murphy has a craft bar, Maynard James Keenan has wine, St. Vincent has coffee, etc. If you had the chance to create a non-musical product, what would it be?

I see a clear path for me to corner the market on male hip hop producer based feminine hygiene products. “Block in the box” tampons and douches will take the nation by storm. Just you wait…
But , seriously, I have no idea. I can’t ever see myself latching on to something like beer or coffee (two things I don’t enjoy). I’m not exactly passionate about things like that in general. It would be cool, one day, to be involved with owning a bar or restaurant. Down the line, investing in something like that may definitely be in the cards for me. Free drinks and food, bro.

I’ve been thinking about buying a sampler and a drum kit but it’s so damn expensive. I love instrumental hip hop beats and I especially love finding them on vinyl. I was considering giving it a shot, but do you have any advise on what type of gear to get or a cheap way to get into making this type of music?

Honestly, it’s less about what you get nowadays than it is how well you learn to use it. I know people who make great beats on Fruity loops and others who make complete bullshit with a room full of equipment. I know it’s not a popular opinion but, it’s 2016, just buy some software. Hardware is great but so expensive and really more aimed toward people who do this kinda shit for a living. If you’re a novice, get some software (logic, abelton, etc…) and see where that takes you. Eventually, when you get better and wanna expand, then worry about the other stuff.

It seems like the only leftovers that I don’t mind eating the next day is pizza. I know you enjoy a good slice so let’s say you wake up with a few slices in the fridge from the night before, what’s your preferred reheating technique? Microwave, oven, toaster oven, micro bake, cold, etc…
I’m a lazy piece of shit. I would rather eat something the moment I want it and have it taste slightly less great than wait for it to cook. So, with day old pizza I’m either eating it cold or microwaving it. I did recently get a fancy new toaster though so maybe I might turn over a new leaf in the near future. But, in general, I’m an instant gratification kinda guy.

Do you have stories behind you songs? NYC bounce is the one I think of most. In my story it is a guy chasing the dream in NYC. He is bright and excited for his big break. But as the song goes on he discovers the realities of making it it not only the big city, but also in entertainment. As the city chews him up and spits him out, the song ends with the city calling out to it’s next victim. Did I really over think that? I can see the animation for a video for that song.

You did over think that but I can’t blame you. I don’t create songs with specific visuals in mind but I definitely try and make songs go from point A to Point Z, as opposed to going A-B-A-B.
The thing is, it’s music without vocals so it really is up to the listener to decide what they envision. I mean, sometimes i’ll just get a vibe for a song and name it something totally random that relates to that vibe. For instance, “Which one of you jerks stole my Arnold Palmer?” came about like so: The song was done. It had a very summery feel. The first half is somewhat more aggressive but when the second part comes in, it just felt like summer to me. I envisioned people sitting on a porch drinking cool beverages. Like, somewhere down south. That made my mind jump to drinking an arnold palmer (a drink I love and was drinking tons of during the making of that album). Somehow, that thought transformed into the idea of wanting an Arnold palmer (perhaps i had one in the fridge) and then looking for it, only to find it wasn’t there. WHo took it? I will never know. So, it’s kinda sad but summery. And that’s why that song has that name. There’s no actual story and, musically, the song actually works backwards in the sense that the more aggressive part comes first , followed by a mellow second act. But, yeah, maybe that gives you some insight to the dumb reasons I name some songs random shit.

With all of your blogging has the idea of starting a YouTube channel ever occurred to you? Please explain why you haven’t done this yet. It would be a good idea. I hope other people comment and agree with me and also urge you to do it.

That’s simple. Cause I don’t film myself doing stuff. I Don’t think i’d want to either. I much prefer the simplicity of writing stuff down as opposed to a whole production, involving having to remember to say things and uploading video clips. Also, I pretty much say everything I need to say on here and twitter. I’m good. You guys don’t need MORE of me. Trust me on that.

These are the people in your Neighborhood (if you live in an airport)

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I travel all the fucking time. And not in that “Me and my friend hopped on a place and spent the weekend in Miami!” kinda way. There are no vacations, just flights. I stay up in airports, eating badly and searching for power sources not already teeming with people just like me. I realize talking about airports is pretty hacky territory but , right now, I’m sitting in a hotel room , awaiting the next flight I’ll be taking later today so, fuck it. Cause This blog always needs content and because I feel like this is something many of you can relate to…lemme tell you about the people at the airport. This is all airports. Doesn’t matter if I’m flying NYC to LA or Prague to Kiev.

1) The “Wait…what is airport security and how does it work?” person.

This is the person in front of you on the security line. They look befuddled by them even being in the airport. When they get to the point where it’s time to remove shoes and place things in bins, it’s as if they’re learning to walk again for the first time. Now, in some cases, this person is often a foreigner who is clearly flying for the first time. So, to them, I give a pass. It’s weird to be on a plane for the first past the age of 50 but, hey, everyone lives their own lives so I can’t really judge. But, more often than not, it’s someone who has clearly flown before and they can’t grasp the concept that there are constants with this whole “airport security” thing. Yes, dickhead, you must take off you shoes. Yes, moron, this is one of those wacky airports that requires you to remove all metal objects from your pockets.  I see this person probably 50% of the time and I honestly wouldn’t even have assumed they still made people like that in 2015. But, clearly, they do…all the time.

2)The BIG family

Nothing promotes never having kids in your life like a trip to the Airport. Seeing couples with one or two kids struggling to do the  most simple of tasks is rough. You genuinely feel bad for the parents, as their 2 year old decides he wants to lie face down on the filthy airport carpet and scream instead of boarding the plane. But, unfortunately, that’s the life for people traveling with kids. Anyone who’s ever condemned parents for plopping their kids in front of an I-pad for 3 hours on a flight needs to shut the fuck up and understand that’s those kids parents being considerate to all the other people in the place. I salute you, I-pad parents.

But, this isn’t about the small families. This is about those play-doh baby factory ass families that have 4 to 8 kids all within a year of each other. What the fuck is wrong with you? Stop making kids. And, if you’re gonna make kids, stop filling up airplanes with them. Get a bus or some shit and tour around the states like the partridge family.

I’m not an unfair person. i realize we all gotta travel and even people with a whole baseball team in strollers have their needs. But, seriously, you people having more than two kids are not helping anyone. Mind you, I’m the youngest of 7. But you best believe I never traveled 7 deep ANYWHERE.

3)Random hot girl who works in the airport

There’s not ALWAYS one but it’s not uncommon. You’ll be walking by the Panera bread or the place that sells those greasy pretzel bites and be taken aback by beauty wearing an uncomfortable polo shirt and a visor. I’ve been many places where stunningly hot girls work weird, low end jobs but that’s mostly out of the states. Toll booth collectors in France, The security people in Tel Aviv, Cab drivers in Romania (though, that was a fluke, I’m sure). But , i dunno…there’s something about seeing it in the states that’s crazy to me. Pretty people have such a natural advantage in the job market. It’s like “Oh, you’re dumb as a bag of rocks but you look good? Here’s have this job serving booze to rich people…” But these girls somehow landed working a gig in their local Airport at 5:30 am on a Tuesday. Surely, Applebee’s was hiring? Something. Anything other than the airport. i dunno…Maybe I’m reading too deeply into it but it’s never not shocking to see.

4)The “I’mma charge my phone even though it’s on 95% power” guy/girl.

I don’t know why some airports like to make it so there are as few power sources as possible. While some have gotten hip to the needs of traveling humans and placed power sources all over the place, there are still a large amount of airports who have like 4 places to plug in anything in an entire terminal. In places like that, it is full on panic mode for anyone with less that 40% power on their phones. This results in plug hoarding. Where a guy/girl will post up (usually in one of the uncomfortable places where the randomly decide to put the power source like behind a vending machine or under a bridge) and just lock it down forever. They might have a 3 hour layover. Well, that means three hours of charging their phone and i-pad at the same time. I get that it’s first come first served but  I’ve looked over a peoples shoulders to seen their power well over 80% while I’m shutting my phone off at 8% so I have enough power to call my friend when I land. It’s all very lord of the flies. I’d imagine, if they don’t start bringing more plugs into all airports, there will be a murder that occurs over this very topic. Granted, it will be in an airport so it won’t be done with weapons…and that’s even scarier. Imagine being stabbed to death by a plastic fork over 40% power on your phone.

5)Ladies who looooove sports

This is a random one that I just noticed for the first time and I think it’s specific to airports in the midwest.  I ate at a few sports bar type places between flights (Better than fast food) and they were stuffed to brim with girls with baseball hats on,college team sweaters and filled beer mugs, cheering on whatever was going on tv. ANd they weren’t all together. They were just random girls, loving sports at a bar in an airport. You know the types…they’re very common. You can find them in every sports bar across this great land. But there was something so strange about seeing so many in airports. It was as if they made plans to meet and watch the Final four at the Minneapolis “O’houlahan’s in terminal c”. Nothing wrong with any of this…it just jumped out at me.

6)Overly comfortable guy

Nah dude, it’s cool…take you shoes off. Lie down, even. It’s not like this is a public place where common space is of any importance. I understand that sometime layovers can be a nightmare. I’ve killed 8 hours in a few airports before and it’s not fun. But these guys aren’t that. The layover from hell people generally seem more like refugees. They’re huddled in corners trying to both sleep and protect their belongings. You can spot them from a mile away and it’s hard to not feel bad for them. But these creature of comfort guys? They’re just assholes who view everywhere on earth as their den. Laying on the stomachs, typing on their laptop as people basically have to step over them to pass by. Shoes scattered around them like they just got home for 5th grade. These dudes (almost always dudes, btw) need their shit kicked around and taken just for being that frivolous with how they use common space.

7) Teen tour people who love jesus

They all are wearing the same baby blue T-shirt that says something about god on it. They’re all between the age of 13-18. Many of them are blonde. They are a bubbling couldron of hormones and emotions being stifled by the fear of eternal damn nation. All that equals out to the loudest group of human beings you can ever imagine. The girls Squawk. The men grunt. They are EVERYWHERE at all times. I gotta think , if there really was a god, he’s be looking down at these kids like “Ughh…”. As he should, after all, he made them. They’re his fault.

8)The fashion show

You know how in college there were two types of girls. Ones that wore sweatpants to class and looked constantly hungover and ones who treated it like the club and wore make up to an 8 am class. Airports are exactly the same. while most people are smart and dress for comfort, there are still a decent amount of people who get decked out just to sit on a plane for 5 hours.  Sometimes i assume they must have an important meeting that takes place in the airport they’re flying too or maybe they’re going directly from the plane to the club. It’s possible. Either way, these are people who have no respect for simplicity and comfort. These are not my people.

9)Chatty Southern people

Southern people are very friendly. It’s nice. As long as the convo stays pretty surface, it’s never an issue. Place these friendly southern folks in an airport and give them ample downtime and, boom, you got a person who is basically a terrorist who kills you with conversation. Ever spoke to a stranger about the weather in their part of the country for 45 minutes? I have. Ever tried to explain to a 65 year old daughter of people who definitely owned slaves what “Making a beat” is? I’m familiar with this process. It’s as if they are unable to quietly sit and be by themselves. It’s always and quick head turn and “So, where you headed to?” and so it begins. Sure, I’m wearing headphones and making no eye contact whatsoever but, fuck it, let’s have an extensive and boring talk about nothing.  I don’t know why it’s always southern people but it is. Sometimes, you can be too friendly.

10)The worst human on earth…the Plane boarding cheater.

I’m a person who’s never flown first class. I’m also a person who’s typically in group 3 or group c when boarding a plane. Meaning, I’m waiting , impatiently with my bags in my hands praying that there’s overhead space left when it’s my turn to get on. That said, i follow the rules. I don’t try and swindle my way on the plane. For every person like me, there is another person who simply will not deal with the cards he was dealt. No, he will try to sneak on ahead of his group. Sometimes the person taking the tickets won’t notice and he is victorious. Other times, they will be paying attention and they’ll call him out. He’ll be like “Oh, sorry…I thought you called my group.” Nah, b. They’re boarding army vets and gold star plus members right , not group D back of the plane ass dudes. The guys are savages. That said, if I had the nerve to be one of them and it would work, i’d probably do that shit too. Sadly, i have a conscience.

There are so many more but that’s all I can think of right now on this morning. If you’re in an airport in the near future, feel free to make a scavenger hunt out of this list. And say hi to me if you see me. I’m the guy with the hat on eating something terrible, hating my existence.

Uncle Tony’s coloring book is now available on Bandcamp!

blockheadcoloringbook
So, about 6 years ago, I made this album “Uncle Tony’s coloring book”. It was a limited edition album. Only 5000 cd’s were pressed, no Vinyl and very little digital availability. Well…guess what? I just uploaded to band camp so you can own it in it’s digital form. Only $8. What a bargain!
While you’re there, don’t forget to buy my newest album “Bells and whistles”, which dropped a few months ago. Some old, something new. Something borrowed (sampled, actually) something blue (Not sure what’s blue but I’m sure you can make something up).