Answers for Questions Vol. 275

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Hi there. Welcome to another “Answers for Questions”!
You guys ask me random shit and I oblige. I’d like to thank all the people who have ben submitting questions lately. It’s much appreciated and , basically, keeps this blog going. That said, don’t stop! I always need new content so fire away. Send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Be weird. Be original. That’s all I ask.
Anyway, here’s this weeks batch…

how does one attend NYU graduate school (happening v soon) and not be despised by all?

Do you mean by New yorkers or just in general?
If you mean the former, then don’t worry about it. There are so few natives left, hating on college kids isn’t as much of a thing as it once was. But, just to be safe, simply know your roll. You are a guest, act accordingly. Enjoy all the city has to offer. It’s at your disposal. Just never think you “run this town” on any level and you should be good to go.
If you mean the latter, I don’t think anyone cares about you and your education. Go to school, get your degree. No one will even notice.

what’s your holiday experience generally like?
I’m assuming this is about Christmas.
Well, it’s pretty simple. I just go to my moms house. A random group of family members show up (it varies every year, I have a huge family from all over) and we eat. I stuff my fat face, chat with family members and go home to lay around like a manatee cause, in all reality, I am nursing a brutal hangover from the night before that I had to pretend wasn’t there during the family meal.

James Murphy has a craft bar, Maynard James Keenan has wine, St. Vincent has coffee, etc. If you had the chance to create a non-musical product, what would it be?

I see a clear path for me to corner the market on male hip hop producer based feminine hygiene products. “Block in the box” tampons and douches will take the nation by storm. Just you wait…
But , seriously, I have no idea. I can’t ever see myself latching on to something like beer or coffee (two things I don’t enjoy). I’m not exactly passionate about things like that in general. It would be cool, one day, to be involved with owning a bar or restaurant. Down the line, investing in something like that may definitely be in the cards for me. Free drinks and food, bro.

I’ve been thinking about buying a sampler and a drum kit but it’s so damn expensive. I love instrumental hip hop beats and I especially love finding them on vinyl. I was considering giving it a shot, but do you have any advise on what type of gear to get or a cheap way to get into making this type of music?

Honestly, it’s less about what you get nowadays than it is how well you learn to use it. I know people who make great beats on Fruity loops and others who make complete bullshit with a room full of equipment. I know it’s not a popular opinion but, it’s 2016, just buy some software. Hardware is great but so expensive and really more aimed toward people who do this kinda shit for a living. If you’re a novice, get some software (logic, abelton, etc…) and see where that takes you. Eventually, when you get better and wanna expand, then worry about the other stuff.

It seems like the only leftovers that I don’t mind eating the next day is pizza. I know you enjoy a good slice so let’s say you wake up with a few slices in the fridge from the night before, what’s your preferred reheating technique? Microwave, oven, toaster oven, micro bake, cold, etc…
I’m a lazy piece of shit. I would rather eat something the moment I want it and have it taste slightly less great than wait for it to cook. So, with day old pizza I’m either eating it cold or microwaving it. I did recently get a fancy new toaster though so maybe I might turn over a new leaf in the near future. But, in general, I’m an instant gratification kinda guy.

Do you have stories behind you songs? NYC bounce is the one I think of most. In my story it is a guy chasing the dream in NYC. He is bright and excited for his big break. But as the song goes on he discovers the realities of making it it not only the big city, but also in entertainment. As the city chews him up and spits him out, the song ends with the city calling out to it’s next victim. Did I really over think that? I can see the animation for a video for that song.

You did over think that but I can’t blame you. I don’t create songs with specific visuals in mind but I definitely try and make songs go from point A to Point Z, as opposed to going A-B-A-B.
The thing is, it’s music without vocals so it really is up to the listener to decide what they envision. I mean, sometimes i’ll just get a vibe for a song and name it something totally random that relates to that vibe. For instance, “Which one of you jerks stole my Arnold Palmer?” came about like so: The song was done. It had a very summery feel. The first half is somewhat more aggressive but when the second part comes in, it just felt like summer to me. I envisioned people sitting on a porch drinking cool beverages. Like, somewhere down south. That made my mind jump to drinking an arnold palmer (a drink I love and was drinking tons of during the making of that album). Somehow, that thought transformed into the idea of wanting an Arnold palmer (perhaps i had one in the fridge) and then looking for it, only to find it wasn’t there. WHo took it? I will never know. So, it’s kinda sad but summery. And that’s why that song has that name. There’s no actual story and, musically, the song actually works backwards in the sense that the more aggressive part comes first , followed by a mellow second act. But, yeah, maybe that gives you some insight to the dumb reasons I name some songs random shit.

With all of your blogging has the idea of starting a YouTube channel ever occurred to you? Please explain why you haven’t done this yet. It would be a good idea. I hope other people comment and agree with me and also urge you to do it.

That’s simple. Cause I don’t film myself doing stuff. I Don’t think i’d want to either. I much prefer the simplicity of writing stuff down as opposed to a whole production, involving having to remember to say things and uploading video clips. Also, I pretty much say everything I need to say on here and twitter. I’m good. You guys don’t need MORE of me. Trust me on that.

These are the people in your Neighborhood (if you live in an airport)

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I travel all the fucking time. And not in that “Me and my friend hopped on a place and spent the weekend in Miami!” kinda way. There are no vacations, just flights. I stay up in airports, eating badly and searching for power sources not already teeming with people just like me. I realize talking about airports is pretty hacky territory but , right now, I’m sitting in a hotel room , awaiting the next flight I’ll be taking later today so, fuck it. Cause This blog always needs content and because I feel like this is something many of you can relate to…lemme tell you about the people at the airport. This is all airports. Doesn’t matter if I’m flying NYC to LA or Prague to Kiev.

1) The “Wait…what is airport security and how does it work?” person.

This is the person in front of you on the security line. They look befuddled by them even being in the airport. When they get to the point where it’s time to remove shoes and place things in bins, it’s as if they’re learning to walk again for the first time. Now, in some cases, this person is often a foreigner who is clearly flying for the first time. So, to them, I give a pass. It’s weird to be on a plane for the first past the age of 50 but, hey, everyone lives their own lives so I can’t really judge. But, more often than not, it’s someone who has clearly flown before and they can’t grasp the concept that there are constants with this whole “airport security” thing. Yes, dickhead, you must take off you shoes. Yes, moron, this is one of those wacky airports that requires you to remove all metal objects from your pockets.  I see this person probably 50% of the time and I honestly wouldn’t even have assumed they still made people like that in 2015. But, clearly, they do…all the time.

2)The BIG family

Nothing promotes never having kids in your life like a trip to the Airport. Seeing couples with one or two kids struggling to do the  most simple of tasks is rough. You genuinely feel bad for the parents, as their 2 year old decides he wants to lie face down on the filthy airport carpet and scream instead of boarding the plane. But, unfortunately, that’s the life for people traveling with kids. Anyone who’s ever condemned parents for plopping their kids in front of an I-pad for 3 hours on a flight needs to shut the fuck up and understand that’s those kids parents being considerate to all the other people in the place. I salute you, I-pad parents.

But, this isn’t about the small families. This is about those play-doh baby factory ass families that have 4 to 8 kids all within a year of each other. What the fuck is wrong with you? Stop making kids. And, if you’re gonna make kids, stop filling up airplanes with them. Get a bus or some shit and tour around the states like the partridge family.

I’m not an unfair person. i realize we all gotta travel and even people with a whole baseball team in strollers have their needs. But, seriously, you people having more than two kids are not helping anyone. Mind you, I’m the youngest of 7. But you best believe I never traveled 7 deep ANYWHERE.

3)Random hot girl who works in the airport

There’s not ALWAYS one but it’s not uncommon. You’ll be walking by the Panera bread or the place that sells those greasy pretzel bites and be taken aback by beauty wearing an uncomfortable polo shirt and a visor. I’ve been many places where stunningly hot girls work weird, low end jobs but that’s mostly out of the states. Toll booth collectors in France, The security people in Tel Aviv, Cab drivers in Romania (though, that was a fluke, I’m sure). But , i dunno…there’s something about seeing it in the states that’s crazy to me. Pretty people have such a natural advantage in the job market. It’s like “Oh, you’re dumb as a bag of rocks but you look good? Here’s have this job serving booze to rich people…” But these girls somehow landed working a gig in their local Airport at 5:30 am on a Tuesday. Surely, Applebee’s was hiring? Something. Anything other than the airport. i dunno…Maybe I’m reading too deeply into it but it’s never not shocking to see.

4)The “I’mma charge my phone even though it’s on 95% power” guy/girl.

I don’t know why some airports like to make it so there are as few power sources as possible. While some have gotten hip to the needs of traveling humans and placed power sources all over the place, there are still a large amount of airports who have like 4 places to plug in anything in an entire terminal. In places like that, it is full on panic mode for anyone with less that 40% power on their phones. This results in plug hoarding. Where a guy/girl will post up (usually in one of the uncomfortable places where the randomly decide to put the power source like behind a vending machine or under a bridge) and just lock it down forever. They might have a 3 hour layover. Well, that means three hours of charging their phone and i-pad at the same time. I get that it’s first come first served but  I’ve looked over a peoples shoulders to seen their power well over 80% while I’m shutting my phone off at 8% so I have enough power to call my friend when I land. It’s all very lord of the flies. I’d imagine, if they don’t start bringing more plugs into all airports, there will be a murder that occurs over this very topic. Granted, it will be in an airport so it won’t be done with weapons…and that’s even scarier. Imagine being stabbed to death by a plastic fork over 40% power on your phone.

5)Ladies who looooove sports

This is a random one that I just noticed for the first time and I think it’s specific to airports in the midwest.  I ate at a few sports bar type places between flights (Better than fast food) and they were stuffed to brim with girls with baseball hats on,college team sweaters and filled beer mugs, cheering on whatever was going on tv. ANd they weren’t all together. They were just random girls, loving sports at a bar in an airport. You know the types…they’re very common. You can find them in every sports bar across this great land. But there was something so strange about seeing so many in airports. It was as if they made plans to meet and watch the Final four at the Minneapolis “O’houlahan’s in terminal c”. Nothing wrong with any of this…it just jumped out at me.

6)Overly comfortable guy

Nah dude, it’s cool…take you shoes off. Lie down, even. It’s not like this is a public place where common space is of any importance. I understand that sometime layovers can be a nightmare. I’ve killed 8 hours in a few airports before and it’s not fun. But these guys aren’t that. The layover from hell people generally seem more like refugees. They’re huddled in corners trying to both sleep and protect their belongings. You can spot them from a mile away and it’s hard to not feel bad for them. But these creature of comfort guys? They’re just assholes who view everywhere on earth as their den. Laying on the stomachs, typing on their laptop as people basically have to step over them to pass by. Shoes scattered around them like they just got home for 5th grade. These dudes (almost always dudes, btw) need their shit kicked around and taken just for being that frivolous with how they use common space.

7) Teen tour people who love jesus

They all are wearing the same baby blue T-shirt that says something about god on it. They’re all between the age of 13-18. Many of them are blonde. They are a bubbling couldron of hormones and emotions being stifled by the fear of eternal damn nation. All that equals out to the loudest group of human beings you can ever imagine. The girls Squawk. The men grunt. They are EVERYWHERE at all times. I gotta think , if there really was a god, he’s be looking down at these kids like “Ughh…”. As he should, after all, he made them. They’re his fault.

8)The fashion show

You know how in college there were two types of girls. Ones that wore sweatpants to class and looked constantly hungover and ones who treated it like the club and wore make up to an 8 am class. Airports are exactly the same. while most people are smart and dress for comfort, there are still a decent amount of people who get decked out just to sit on a plane for 5 hours.  Sometimes i assume they must have an important meeting that takes place in the airport they’re flying too or maybe they’re going directly from the plane to the club. It’s possible. Either way, these are people who have no respect for simplicity and comfort. These are not my people.

9)Chatty Southern people

Southern people are very friendly. It’s nice. As long as the convo stays pretty surface, it’s never an issue. Place these friendly southern folks in an airport and give them ample downtime and, boom, you got a person who is basically a terrorist who kills you with conversation. Ever spoke to a stranger about the weather in their part of the country for 45 minutes? I have. Ever tried to explain to a 65 year old daughter of people who definitely owned slaves what “Making a beat” is? I’m familiar with this process. It’s as if they are unable to quietly sit and be by themselves. It’s always and quick head turn and “So, where you headed to?” and so it begins. Sure, I’m wearing headphones and making no eye contact whatsoever but, fuck it, let’s have an extensive and boring talk about nothing.  I don’t know why it’s always southern people but it is. Sometimes, you can be too friendly.

10)The worst human on earth…the Plane boarding cheater.

I’m a person who’s never flown first class. I’m also a person who’s typically in group 3 or group c when boarding a plane. Meaning, I’m waiting , impatiently with my bags in my hands praying that there’s overhead space left when it’s my turn to get on. That said, i follow the rules. I don’t try and swindle my way on the plane. For every person like me, there is another person who simply will not deal with the cards he was dealt. No, he will try to sneak on ahead of his group. Sometimes the person taking the tickets won’t notice and he is victorious. Other times, they will be paying attention and they’ll call him out. He’ll be like “Oh, sorry…I thought you called my group.” Nah, b. They’re boarding army vets and gold star plus members right , not group D back of the plane ass dudes. The guys are savages. That said, if I had the nerve to be one of them and it would work, i’d probably do that shit too. Sadly, i have a conscience.

There are so many more but that’s all I can think of right now on this morning. If you’re in an airport in the near future, feel free to make a scavenger hunt out of this list. And say hi to me if you see me. I’m the guy with the hat on eating something terrible, hating my existence.

Uncle Tony’s coloring book is now available on Bandcamp!

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So, about 6 years ago, I made this album “Uncle Tony’s coloring book”. It was a limited edition album. Only 5000 cd’s were pressed, no Vinyl and very little digital availability. Well…guess what? I just uploaded to band camp so you can own it in it’s digital form. Only $8. What a bargain!
While you’re there, don’t forget to buy my newest album “Bells and whistles”, which dropped a few months ago. Some old, something new. Something borrowed (sampled, actually) something blue (Not sure what’s blue but I’m sure you can make something up).

Year in review 2014

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Whelp, this year is finally over. Can’t say I’m too bummed about that. As I do every year, it’s time to sift through the crap and see what was popping over here at Phat Friend. This is a great way to perhaps read some posts you might have missed, peep some songs you didn’t know existed and basically see what this blog is all about, if you’re not initiated.

TOP POSTS
Let’s start out with 5 posts that got a lot of page clicks. For whatever reason. These are a mixed bag of fun write ups and lists.

1)You know, i bet she/he is alright
Maybe you can’t judge a book by it’s cover? In this post, I run down celebrities who, while I loathe what they do/create, I’d imagine are actually pretty cool people in real life. This is as positive as it gets around these parts.

2)Top ten types of people I meet at shows
In this post, I rundown the most common types of people I meet when I do my shows. i omitted the normal cool people cause that would be boring. Granted, they make up the majority but, you know, lemme have some fun.

3)I hooked up with Riff Raff Part 4
Continuing the popular series from last year, I ask girls who fucked rapper Riff raff some questions. I’m not trying to get dirt on the man as much as I’m trying to tear down the walls and see who’s behind the curtain. Spoiler alert: apparently, riff raff is riff raff.

4)Which Hip hop Gimmick with the best?
This is a walk down memory lane. I look at some of the best/worse gimmicks of 90’s hip hop and see which on stands as the greatest. Reader votes included.

5)Quality or quantity
This is a look at the age old discussion, but how it pertains to people who make beats/music. Admittedly,it’s not very funny but it’s food for thought at the very least. Especially for budding musicians.

RANTS
Admittedly, I don’t rant as much as I used to. Maybe I’m running out of shit to pretend to be mad at. Or maybe I’m just getting older and slowly beginning my transition to “man who yells at clouds” for good. Who knows. That said, it wasn’t an empty year for rants. Here are my five favorite rants I posted this year

1) Moby Leaves New York and the world stops for us all
This is a response to a “farewell and fuck off!” letter Electronic artist moby wrote upon leaving NYC to move to a little town called L.A.. I don’t think Moby ever read it though. Oh well…

2)Stop Snitching: instagram Edition
This post is a response to this time I posted a pic of my nephews bare ass (he’s 1.5 years old) and it got taken down off instagram. People are fucking ridiculous.

3)3)Things that are wrong with the world Vol. 30
In this edition , I go off on a terrible female white rapper from minnesota. It’s not her, it’s me…But , really, it goes way beyond this one lady.

4)4)Too much ass? Say it Ain’t so
It was the year of ass. I love ass. But , let’s be honest, it got a little fucking ridiculous.

5)A message to people being shitty on the internet
So many assholes out there hiding behind their laptops. It’s easy to be a terrible human being on line. This one is for those people.

STORY TIME
On a rare occasion, I can tell a story. In all reality, i don’t do much. I make music, chill with my friends, get drunk on occasion , play basketball until I injure myself and go on tour. That’s about it. But, there were a few things that popped off this year that needed to told to you.

1)Old people doing drugs
This is a recap of weekend where I went to a cabin with a bunch of my friends and did drugs. This doesn’t sound like much but, keep in mind, we’re all in your mid/late 30’s and , personally, i don’t do drugs anymore (much). So, this is a retelling of what it was like to return to that world after a 10 year hiatus.

2)Goddamn Wet Wipes aka the shittiest day
This is the story of the time my toilet decided to explode and destroy my home. This is actually still a slight issue and is not fully resolved but why not give you guys something to chuckle about. Warning: There is video included.

DA MUZIK
And what would this blog be without the music? It’s been a busy year for your truly so I have plenty to share…let’s start with the two releases I worked on:

My new solo album Bells and whistles. If you’re linked to any of my social networks, you should know that this came out last month. I’ve been certainly posting about it enough. The link above has all necessary info you will need to find that album. As well as the full thing streaming.

I also did an album with Philly rapper Marq Spekt that came out on Hipnott records.
It’s him rapping and me on the beats. If you like some straight up hard east coast type shit, this is for you. Peep our album “Justplaywitit

Beyond the full lengths, I did a ton of remixes too. Here’s links to those:
Hott Nigga Remix
Nina Simone mega mash up
I remixed a song for Little People
A bonus track from the Marq Spekt album featuring Aesop rock and Open Mike Eagle
A mash up of “Sunny” That i do live, recorded for your pleasure
A remix for the band The Skins. Taking some rock and roll and making it more blockheadish.

Finally, let’s not forget that I occasionally give away music. Why? Cause i love you.
Here are some compilations I gave away. Music of my own and by others…
My favorite songs of the year
All the songs I produced with rappers (excluding aesop songs)
A ton of random , hard to find remixes I’ve done from over the years

And that’s it! hope your new year is great and see you all on the other side.
XOXOXOXOXO

Answers for Questions vol. 204

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Hi there, I’m here reporting live from a raddison hotel in Fresno California. It’s about 289 degrees outside so I’m pretty psyched to be here. Also, shout out to all the people who have come to see my shows. San Diego, L.A. and S.F…you guys kicked ass. I hit colorado later this week , as well as Austin. Check the dates on my Facebook page is you live in either of those places.
Anyway, this is another edition of “Answers for questions”. You ask, I answer. If you’d like to be a part of this, please, send me questions. Either email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. I accept both with open arms. Let’s dig into this weeks batch.

What’s your stance on music piracy.  More specifically what if someone downloaded all your music, but then still went to see you live?  Would you consider that bad form either way or is it something that doesn’t really bother you.  I’ve heard touring makes the most money so I was curious.

I think it’s safe to say most artists who are from my era feel the same way about piracy. We don’t like it but there’s also nothing we can really do about it. We were around during a time when record sales actually mattered (and paid bills for us personally) so the jump into a an era where that’s pretty much impossible for any artist not on the radio, is a bummer. That said, it’s the times we live in and sitting around complaining about it is pretty futile. Acceptance is unavoidable if you want to continue with making music.
Because of that reality, musicians have to bank on touring as a means to get paid. It’s just par for the course. I can honestly say that if I made enough money off music to not tour, I probably wouldn’t do it much. Simply cause I hate traveling and I’m super content just being home all the time. But , I don’t so I tour and it’s totally fine.
As for the second part of the question, coming to my shows is exactly what I want people who steal my music to do. It’s literally one of the only benefits of people pirating your shit. I’ve had people come up to me at shows and had me $40 like “hey man, I stole all your music so heres some money for that”. While that’s is kind aver the top and unnecessary , it is pretty cool of them. But, yeah, coming to the shows makes a difference for sure. Let’s be honest, for an artist like me, an album is pretty much promotional material for my live show. It’s backwards and crazy that that is how it is now but , hey, fuck it…that’s the world we’ve created.

what’s the most ignorant and belligerent you’ve ever gotten? i hesitate to use the word gangster bc it implies violent crime… but what’s the most gangster shit you’ve ever done? where you really abandoned any pretense of giving a fuck and got straight disrespectful. or straight gutter if it went that far. i’m mild-mannered, but i’ve surprised myself a time or two w the shit i’ve done. so it’s always fascinating to see other mild-mannered ppl break character, right or wrong.

Sadly (or thankfully, depending how you look at it) I’m a very careful person. I always have been. I’m not reckless at all and think about consequences for all my actions. Because of this, I haven’t done a ton of bad shit. Off the top, I’m drawing a blank of anything that would even begin to classify as gangster. I suppose there was that time I was with a friend in connecticuit at his family’s country house and we went around the neighborhood breaking into peoples houses and eating food from the fridge’s then bouncing. But I was more just following my friend. Trust that I was having a panic attack the entire time.
There was another time in high school where i got so drunk at a party (It was actually at Uma Thurman’s little brothers house) that I vomited out of a window, looked down and realized I just puked all over a parked police car. Luckily, they weren’t inside it though.
Also there are all those times I murdered people. Can’t forget about those but, you know, whatever. Shit happens.

You’re a musician who makes a living creating and performing his work. Even though you’re not über famous or rich, you seem to have a loyal fan base, you do things your own way, and you’ve been at it for years; I think that’s a pretty objective metric for success. However, I’m curious, how do you view your own career? Do you see yourself as being successful?

I’m pretty happy with where I’m at and what I’ve done. Sure, being wealthier and more stable would be nice but I actually like my level of notoriety. I can go anywhere and no one knows who I am. My “fame” doesn’t infringe on my day to day life and that’s ideal. The majority of people I meet in real life have no clue what I do. Hell, a lot of my close friends have never even heard ante of music I’ve made and that’s pretty cool to me.
The bottom line is that I get to make money doing something that’s fun. That in itself is a victory. The only downside is the longevity. Who knows where I’ll be with this in five years and how long can a guy really make the kinda music I do? Aside from those fears, it’s awesome though.
Keep i mind, I’m writing this from a hotel in Fresno right now.

These following questions really means well but it is a shit storm of cliched questions i’ve been answering since the early 2000’s. So I’mma breeze through them speed round style.

How are ya, man?
Fine. My allergies are acting up but life will go on.
What are some of your biggest influences in life?
Satan, mostly.

How did you become such a down to earth, funny, caring, and simply being yourself?
I’d guess my mom raised me right? Also, being an emotionless robot actually makes a person come off as fairly humble and good natured.
Who are some of your biggest influences and why? How are or were they as people.
You asked this one already…like two seconds ago. What’s the better with you, bro?
What’s your favorite candy if you like candy?
I like gummy bears. But I also like chocolate stuff. Skor bars are very underrated.
How often if ever do you smoke weed anymore? I know you don’t get along with it and I recently found out the same.
I never smoke weed.
Where do you like to travel most and why?
San Francisco. I got family there and , in general, I like the vibe. It’s the city I’ve spent the most time in outside of NYC by a landslide.
How many records do you go through
on average for a 3 minute beat?

I listen to tons of records cause it’s all trial and error but I’d say I use at least 7 or 8 different samples on every beat I make.

Have you seen Bobbito García’s “Doin’ It In The Park”? …any thoughts on it?

In addition, Do you have any favourite films/documentaries about basketball?

I have and I enjoyed it. I dunno if it’s actually good or not but the topic is so near a dear to my heart that it’s impossible for me to not be into it.
As for basketball movies, Hoop dreams is obviously the GOAT. But “Soul in the hole” was good too. The ESPN 30 for 30 about the pistons is excellent. I could watch that kinda shit forever.
For non-documentaries, my standards are incredibly low. I’ll watch most movies if they have even slightly realistic basketball in them. For example, I’ve seen Coach Carter probably 40 times. I’m also willing to be I’ve watched “Finding forrester” more than anyone else on earth. It just be like that sometimes, I guess.

my question is what message are you sending with your blog banner of the fat girl with her skinny friends

fat people suck? fat people deserve pity.

i’ve been a fan of yours for 15+ yrs, but dude, that image pisses me off

Yeah dude (or ma’am), my message is that fat people suck. Obviously. What are you talking about? My blog is called “Phat friend”. That’s a picture of a bunch of friends, and one of them is fat (phat). Is it mean? I guess you could see it that way. But it’s not a statement on fat people. It’s just a picture I thought was funny and went well with my blog title. Would it make you happier if I photoshopped my face on her? If i knew how to do that, I’d do it in a second. Cause it would be hilarious X10.
Basically, if this kinda thing pisses you off enough to make a stink about it, you are either too easily pissed off to read this kind of blog/website or bored. I can’t control what offends other people. if this bothers you, that’s unfortunate but , like all things on this blog, it’s not that serious. In fact, that picture is probably the least serious thing on the entire site. It’s a joke. JOKES. Picking you battles is very underrated and I think, in general,people on the internet would be much happier if they didn’t let outrage over something as pointless as the banner pic on my dumb ass blog effect them in any way.
Side note,
I have no issues with fat people and plan to be one in the near future.

Fuck/marry/kill Vol. 35

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Welcome once again to a world of love, sex and murder. It’s a game we’ve all played on some level. Well, maybe not the murder part but that’s what makes it fun.
Anyway, as always, i’m compelled to preface all this with the disclaimer “This is not serious” cause, inevitably, someone gets upset that this game even exists. If you find it belittling to women, just know the only reason I don’t play the game using men is cause , as a straight guy, it’s impossible for me gauge wanting to fuck one man more than another. I wont to not fuck them all equally.
Anyway, if you would like to throw me some F/M/K options, leave them in the comment section below. I’m always looking for new , interesting combos. Be creative. Not Lady gaga, madonna or Katie Perry. We’ve been down those roads already. Get weird with it.
So, let’s get into this weeks bounty.

F/M/K- The “Women Taller Than You” EDITION:
Aisha Tyler, Kimora Lee Simmons, Uma Thurman

(Side note, I’m as tall or taller than all these women but point made)

Marry: Aisha Tyler
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It’s been discussed on here before that I don’t exactly love tall girls. Something about my feet touching another persons feet while making out in a bed just is a huge turnoff to me. Not to mention the tangling of long arms and legs. Just not my thing. That said, I BEEN loving Aisha Tyler since her Talk Soup days. She’s super pretty and pretty much one of the cooler ladies on the planet. Without question I would wife her up. Throw a ring on her long ass finger and beg her never to wear heels around me.

Fuck: Kimora Lee simmons
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This was tough cause Kimora has been looking kinda crazy lately. I dunno if it’s botox or just getting older but he face seems to be inflating in a really odd way. Still, she’s a pretty hot woman. Also, she looks a lot like a girl I once slept with who also happened to be the tallest girl I ever hooked up with. That girl was hot so, in a way, this pick is based entirely on nostalgia. A time when Kimora was still really fly and I had sex with that girl that one time. Side story about that girl: She was a coke head and she literally stopped mid sex to go to the bathroom and do a line. Not exactly a huge turn on. I bet Kimora would never do that cause she’s classy.

Kill: Uma Thurman
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Uma has always been a weird one for me. I’ve seen her look good but, more often, I’ve seen her look not so good. I actually sorta knew her bother a little in high school and went to his house for a party once. His family has semi nude pictures of her all around the house (she was a model at the time and they were extreme hippie types). It was weird. Anyway, she’s definitely pretty but there has always been something about her that was an issue for me. Her hands. Uma got big hands. Like…HUGE hands. Hands so big, I once started a twitter hashtag #umagotbighands (though maybe it was something different cause I can’t find any of those tweets now). I recently learned that a lot of girls pay attention to men’s hands and i had never really considered that. Turns out , in extreme cases, we look at your hands as well, ladies. So, if you look like you can palm a globe, it’s a no go. Admittedly, it’s a shallow reason to off someone but that’s the name of the game. #umagotbighands

F/M/K:
Fatty Foods Edition:
Poutine, Buffalo Wings, Nachos

Fuck: Nachos
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I think, if prepared right, I could actually literally fuck a plate of nachos. I love nachos. I think we all do. Part of the beauty of them is that there is a lot of versatility in how can prepare them. You would think that might lend to me marrying them but, the reality of nachos is, it’s not a real meal. It’s an appetizer. I’ve never ordered some nacho’s and called it a day. I’ve also never ordered nacho’s for one. It’s something you share. So, as good as they are, they’re without question a part time lover.

Kill: Poutine
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The canadian person who submitted this question loves to bring Canada into everything. Thus, poutine is here. Listen, Poutine is delicious. No doubt. Gravy cheese fries (yes, I know it’s curds, calm down), If I lived in Montreal, I’m sure I’d drunkly eat it once a week and feel terrible about it the next day. The thing is, for some reason, it rings a bell of “this is TOO unhealthy”. I realize nachos and buffalo wings are probably right up there with them but…I dunno…just the way they make you feel after eating them is enough for me to flick the kill switch. It’s like swallowing a bunch of bricks. It’s the type of food that, when you wake up the morning after, you still feel too full. Not a fan of that so I gotta put Poutine to it’s eternal rest. Also, any food that is eaten 95% of time by drunk people is seriously lacking in versatility and depth.

Marry: Buffalo Wings
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Goddamnit , I love wings. If they were not so completely terrible for me, I’d eat them 3 or 4 times a week. IF the nutritional value of a bag of baby carrots could somehow trade with buffalo wings…I’d be out here with a glazed red face, smelling like blue cheese and tabasco sauce, 24 hours a day. I recognize that Buffalo wings are limited in that they are just chicken wings (By calling them buffalo wings, this is excluding all the other type of chicken wing preparations) but fuck all that noise. Sometimes, something is so good it doesn’t need all the bells and whistles. Sure, You may be able to literally throw anything on nacho’s, but they’ll never be as good as a fantastic buffalo wing. Not even NAchos with buffalo wings on top. Sorry, brah…they just won’t be.

F/M/K:
The Throwback Thursday Edition: Claire Danes / Keri Russell / Neve Campbell

Marry: Keri Russell
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This is kinda like the battle of the moderately but undeniably attractive girls who lacked any speck of sexiness. All three of these girls are ones I’ve never even thought of in a particularly sexual way. I think I choose to marry Keri Russell cause I’ve actually seen her walking around my neighborhood before and , in person, she is a adorable. She’s one of those girls you see on a screen and think “whatever…” but then you realize, if you knew her in real life, you’d love her. The sad part is that it took me seeing her in person to realize that so she has an unfair advantage here. But, whatever, she’s actual wifey material ,in a real world sense.

Fuck: Neve Campbell
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I really only chose her cause I am 100% not attracted to Claire Danes. Neve Campbell is okay I guess. She’s certainly pretty. But, like I mentioned earlier, she’s lacking sexiness. That said, she was in “Wild things” and she tried to strut her stuff a little in that. She made it with a girl, yo! Whatever the case, i’d be an asshole to say she’s not a pretty girl and i’ve certainly done worse in real life than Neve Campbell. Not to mention, I’d say she’s gotten better with age, which isn’t exactly commonplace. sooooo…yeah. SEX!

Kill: Claire Danes
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This works on a few levels. I’ve never ever ever ever though she was cute. Something about the angularity of her face. It’s all bulbous or something. But , beyond that, I kinda loath her acting. It’s gotten better on “Homeland” , in the sense that she’s really good at having long term panic attacks but, prior to that? ughh…”My so called life” may be a really important TV show for a lot of people in my age bracket cause they related deeply to it but, as a man who didn’t grow up in the suburbs or go to a school where everyone was depressed , awkward and/or on drugs, I got no patience for that bullshit. Her character ,in particular, rubbed me the wrong way. Not cause it reminded me of girls i knew that I didn’t like but cause it didn’t remind me…of anyone. She was just some annoying girl who bulged her eyes out a lot. I’d lend that to the character but, really, it’s her. So, I’d have to end…her so called life. Hi-yoooooo!

F/M/K Juice ,Menace II Society ,Boyz n The Hood

Fuck: Juice
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is Juice a good movie? I don’t even know anymore. I loved it when it came out but I was also a kid and someone who loved all things rap related. I feel like it may have aged poorly…but whatever. It’s an iconic movie from my teenaged years and that will always hold a place in my heart. It’s like the Christina Applegate of movies. Back then, there was no one hotter to me but when I see her pics from back then now I wonder what I was thinking. Still, because of that era left such an imprint on my brain, I’ll always be down for Applegate. Juice is the same way. So, I’ll fuck it.

Kill: Boyz in the Hood
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When this movie came out, it blew everyone away. Like all my peers, I loved it. I saw it like 3 times in the theater. Problem is, it’s a terrible movie. Like REALLY bad. While “Juice” may not have aged well, “Boyz in the hood” is an example of something being the first of it’s kind so it got a pass. Once the smoke cleared and I had some time to reflect on it, it was clear that “BITH” was basically an after school special about compton. I’m talking terrible dialogue, lame characters, over acting and corny plot lines. It’s a REALLY bad movie. If you’re reading this and getting pissy cause it’s your shit, I urge you, watch it again. I was once like you. I loved this movie. But time had been a cruel bitch to this film and as soon as “Menace II society” came out, “BITH” was irrelevant. Seriously…watch it again. SO BAD.

Marry: Menace II Society
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In the 90’s, the “hood” movie was a huge deal. While “Boyz in the hood” started it, Menace shut the door. It remains pretty much the only film in the entire genre (from that era) that was actually a high quality film. Sure, it wasn’t without it’s faults but it was kinda like a Public enemy album in a sea of Kid n’ Play albums. While BITH opened our eyes to that whole lifestyle, Menace made it feel real. Not to mention it looked better, was written better, had better acting and was just better in every other way imaginable. To this day, if it’s on, I’ll watch it. So, for that, i put a ring on it.

Which song do you prefer?

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I’m always a proponent of old rappers doing good. In the last few weeks 3 legends and one highly regarded old rapper who still hasn’t released an album, released duets that I think deserve some attention. In this corner…
We have Black Thought and Pharoahe Monch. This is a cut off of Monch’s New album “Psdt”.
Monch is pretty much every rap nerd and rapper from the 90’s favorite MC. If not favorite, he’s top ten easily. There is no denying his skill set. While his solo albums never really had the same impact as his work with Organized Konfusion, there’s no denying his place amongst the upper echelon of rappers. Black thought is right there with him. Now, truth be told, he’s not a rapper I particularly love. I think he’s kinda boring BUT the dude is as skilled as rapper as it gets. It’s a moot point. He’s got every base of technical rapping down to science. Here’s the track:

In the other corner…
We have Jay-Z and Jay Electronica. Now, if you’re dipshit, you think Jay-z sucks. I’m speaking in the all-time sense. I’ll be the first to admit that Jay hasn’t made shit in a while that I loved but to deny his legacy is short sighted and , simply, flat out wrong. You may not like his topical range (People that claim this have obviously over looked his huge collection of introspective songs he’s done over the years) but his track record is impeccable. As for Jay Electronica, he’s a guy I’ve been touting for years now but he’s also a guy who can’t fucking put an album out. I’ve heard rumors as to why…one being that his album is finished but won’t be put out cause it lacks any sort of radio singles. If that’s the case, it’s pretty annoying…but he’s not the first or last to fall victim to that kinda shit. Anyway, this song is them rapping like Migos over a dope track. Also, Jay-Z disses Drake. No clue why and I honestly don’t care. It’s a good song though.

So, which do you prefer? which of these all 35 plus year old rappers do you ride for? I have a feeling I know who’s gonna win this but , hey, I’ve been surprised before. Get your vote on…