Fuck/marry/kill Vol. 35

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Welcome once again to a world of love, sex and murder. It’s a game we’ve all played on some level. Well, maybe not the murder part but that’s what makes it fun.
Anyway, as always, i’m compelled to preface all this with the disclaimer “This is not serious” cause, inevitably, someone gets upset that this game even exists. If you find it belittling to women, just know the only reason I don’t play the game using men is cause , as a straight guy, it’s impossible for me gauge wanting to fuck one man more than another. I wont to not fuck them all equally.
Anyway, if you would like to throw me some F/M/K options, leave them in the comment section below. I’m always looking for new , interesting combos. Be creative. Not Lady gaga, madonna or Katie Perry. We’ve been down those roads already. Get weird with it.
So, let’s get into this weeks bounty.

F/M/K- The “Women Taller Than You” EDITION:
Aisha Tyler, Kimora Lee Simmons, Uma Thurman

(Side note, I’m as tall or taller than all these women but point made)

Marry: Aisha Tyler
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It’s been discussed on here before that I don’t exactly love tall girls. Something about my feet touching another persons feet while making out in a bed just is a huge turnoff to me. Not to mention the tangling of long arms and legs. Just not my thing. That said, I BEEN loving Aisha Tyler since her Talk Soup days. She’s super pretty and pretty much one of the cooler ladies on the planet. Without question I would wife her up. Throw a ring on her long ass finger and beg her never to wear heels around me.

Fuck: Kimora Lee simmons
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This was tough cause Kimora has been looking kinda crazy lately. I dunno if it’s botox or just getting older but he face seems to be inflating in a really odd way. Still, she’s a pretty hot woman. Also, she looks a lot like a girl I once slept with who also happened to be the tallest girl I ever hooked up with. That girl was hot so, in a way, this pick is based entirely on nostalgia. A time when Kimora was still really fly and I had sex with that girl that one time. Side story about that girl: She was a coke head and she literally stopped mid sex to go to the bathroom and do a line. Not exactly a huge turn on. I bet Kimora would never do that cause she’s classy.

Kill: Uma Thurman
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Uma has always been a weird one for me. I’ve seen her look good but, more often, I’ve seen her look not so good. I actually sorta knew her bother a little in high school and went to his house for a party once. His family has semi nude pictures of her all around the house (she was a model at the time and they were extreme hippie types). It was weird. Anyway, she’s definitely pretty but there has always been something about her that was an issue for me. Her hands. Uma got big hands. Like…HUGE hands. Hands so big, I once started a twitter hashtag #umagotbighands (though maybe it was something different cause I can’t find any of those tweets now). I recently learned that a lot of girls pay attention to men’s hands and i had never really considered that. Turns out , in extreme cases, we look at your hands as well, ladies. So, if you look like you can palm a globe, it’s a no go. Admittedly, it’s a shallow reason to off someone but that’s the name of the game. #umagotbighands

F/M/K:
Fatty Foods Edition:
Poutine, Buffalo Wings, Nachos

Fuck: Nachos
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I think, if prepared right, I could actually literally fuck a plate of nachos. I love nachos. I think we all do. Part of the beauty of them is that there is a lot of versatility in how can prepare them. You would think that might lend to me marrying them but, the reality of nachos is, it’s not a real meal. It’s an appetizer. I’ve never ordered some nacho’s and called it a day. I’ve also never ordered nacho’s for one. It’s something you share. So, as good as they are, they’re without question a part time lover.

Kill: Poutine
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The canadian person who submitted this question loves to bring Canada into everything. Thus, poutine is here. Listen, Poutine is delicious. No doubt. Gravy cheese fries (yes, I know it’s curds, calm down), If I lived in Montreal, I’m sure I’d drunkly eat it once a week and feel terrible about it the next day. The thing is, for some reason, it rings a bell of “this is TOO unhealthy”. I realize nachos and buffalo wings are probably right up there with them but…I dunno…just the way they make you feel after eating them is enough for me to flick the kill switch. It’s like swallowing a bunch of bricks. It’s the type of food that, when you wake up the morning after, you still feel too full. Not a fan of that so I gotta put Poutine to it’s eternal rest. Also, any food that is eaten 95% of time by drunk people is seriously lacking in versatility and depth.

Marry: Buffalo Wings
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Goddamnit , I love wings. If they were not so completely terrible for me, I’d eat them 3 or 4 times a week. IF the nutritional value of a bag of baby carrots could somehow trade with buffalo wings…I’d be out here with a glazed red face, smelling like blue cheese and tabasco sauce, 24 hours a day. I recognize that Buffalo wings are limited in that they are just chicken wings (By calling them buffalo wings, this is excluding all the other type of chicken wing preparations) but fuck all that noise. Sometimes, something is so good it doesn’t need all the bells and whistles. Sure, You may be able to literally throw anything on nacho’s, but they’ll never be as good as a fantastic buffalo wing. Not even NAchos with buffalo wings on top. Sorry, brah…they just won’t be.

F/M/K:
The Throwback Thursday Edition: Claire Danes / Keri Russell / Neve Campbell

Marry: Keri Russell
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This is kinda like the battle of the moderately but undeniably attractive girls who lacked any speck of sexiness. All three of these girls are ones I’ve never even thought of in a particularly sexual way. I think I choose to marry Keri Russell cause I’ve actually seen her walking around my neighborhood before and , in person, she is a adorable. She’s one of those girls you see on a screen and think “whatever…” but then you realize, if you knew her in real life, you’d love her. The sad part is that it took me seeing her in person to realize that so she has an unfair advantage here. But, whatever, she’s actual wifey material ,in a real world sense.

Fuck: Neve Campbell
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I really only chose her cause I am 100% not attracted to Claire Danes. Neve Campbell is okay I guess. She’s certainly pretty. But, like I mentioned earlier, she’s lacking sexiness. That said, she was in “Wild things” and she tried to strut her stuff a little in that. She made it with a girl, yo! Whatever the case, i’d be an asshole to say she’s not a pretty girl and i’ve certainly done worse in real life than Neve Campbell. Not to mention, I’d say she’s gotten better with age, which isn’t exactly commonplace. sooooo…yeah. SEX!

Kill: Claire Danes
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This works on a few levels. I’ve never ever ever ever though she was cute. Something about the angularity of her face. It’s all bulbous or something. But , beyond that, I kinda loath her acting. It’s gotten better on “Homeland” , in the sense that she’s really good at having long term panic attacks but, prior to that? ughh…”My so called life” may be a really important TV show for a lot of people in my age bracket cause they related deeply to it but, as a man who didn’t grow up in the suburbs or go to a school where everyone was depressed , awkward and/or on drugs, I got no patience for that bullshit. Her character ,in particular, rubbed me the wrong way. Not cause it reminded me of girls i knew that I didn’t like but cause it didn’t remind me…of anyone. She was just some annoying girl who bulged her eyes out a lot. I’d lend that to the character but, really, it’s her. So, I’d have to end…her so called life. Hi-yoooooo!

F/M/K Juice ,Menace II Society ,Boyz n The Hood

Fuck: Juice
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is Juice a good movie? I don’t even know anymore. I loved it when it came out but I was also a kid and someone who loved all things rap related. I feel like it may have aged poorly…but whatever. It’s an iconic movie from my teenaged years and that will always hold a place in my heart. It’s like the Christina Applegate of movies. Back then, there was no one hotter to me but when I see her pics from back then now I wonder what I was thinking. Still, because of that era left such an imprint on my brain, I’ll always be down for Applegate. Juice is the same way. So, I’ll fuck it.

Kill: Boyz in the Hood
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When this movie came out, it blew everyone away. Like all my peers, I loved it. I saw it like 3 times in the theater. Problem is, it’s a terrible movie. Like REALLY bad. While “Juice” may not have aged well, “Boyz in the hood” is an example of something being the first of it’s kind so it got a pass. Once the smoke cleared and I had some time to reflect on it, it was clear that “BITH” was basically an after school special about compton. I’m talking terrible dialogue, lame characters, over acting and corny plot lines. It’s a REALLY bad movie. If you’re reading this and getting pissy cause it’s your shit, I urge you, watch it again. I was once like you. I loved this movie. But time had been a cruel bitch to this film and as soon as “Menace II society” came out, “BITH” was irrelevant. Seriously…watch it again. SO BAD.

Marry: Menace II Society
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In the 90’s, the “hood” movie was a huge deal. While “Boyz in the hood” started it, Menace shut the door. It remains pretty much the only film in the entire genre (from that era) that was actually a high quality film. Sure, it wasn’t without it’s faults but it was kinda like a Public enemy album in a sea of Kid n’ Play albums. While BITH opened our eyes to that whole lifestyle, Menace made it feel real. Not to mention it looked better, was written better, had better acting and was just better in every other way imaginable. To this day, if it’s on, I’ll watch it. So, for that, i put a ring on it.

Which song do you prefer?

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I’m always a proponent of old rappers doing good. In the last few weeks 3 legends and one highly regarded old rapper who still hasn’t released an album, released duets that I think deserve some attention. In this corner…
We have Black Thought and Pharoahe Monch. This is a cut off of Monch’s New album “Psdt”.
Monch is pretty much every rap nerd and rapper from the 90’s favorite MC. If not favorite, he’s top ten easily. There is no denying his skill set. While his solo albums never really had the same impact as his work with Organized Konfusion, there’s no denying his place amongst the upper echelon of rappers. Black thought is right there with him. Now, truth be told, he’s not a rapper I particularly love. I think he’s kinda boring BUT the dude is as skilled as rapper as it gets. It’s a moot point. He’s got every base of technical rapping down to science. Here’s the track:

In the other corner…
We have Jay-Z and Jay Electronica. Now, if you’re dipshit, you think Jay-z sucks. I’m speaking in the all-time sense. I’ll be the first to admit that Jay hasn’t made shit in a while that I loved but to deny his legacy is short sighted and , simply, flat out wrong. You may not like his topical range (People that claim this have obviously over looked his huge collection of introspective songs he’s done over the years) but his track record is impeccable. As for Jay Electronica, he’s a guy I’ve been touting for years now but he’s also a guy who can’t fucking put an album out. I’ve heard rumors as to why…one being that his album is finished but won’t be put out cause it lacks any sort of radio singles. If that’s the case, it’s pretty annoying…but he’s not the first or last to fall victim to that kinda shit. Anyway, this song is them rapping like Migos over a dope track. Also, Jay-Z disses Drake. No clue why and I honestly don’t care. It’s a good song though.

So, which do you prefer? which of these all 35 plus year old rappers do you ride for? I have a feeling I know who’s gonna win this but , hey, I’ve been surprised before. Get your vote on…

New Ep With Illogic and New Armand Hammer Remix!

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Busy week!
First off, as you may know, Illogic and I have done a lot of work together over the last few years. Yesterday we released the final EP of the Capture the Sun series. “After Capture”.
It’s available here:
http://illogic.bandcamp.com/album/after-capture

Enjoy it!

Also, I recently did a remix for my boys Armand Hammer AKA Billy Woods and Elucid for their song “Black Ark”. Peep that:

Speaking of which, if you’re in the NYC area thursday, there’s an awesome show popping off hosted by the good people at backwoodz records. Peep the flyer:
41-exl

Answers for questions vol. 137

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Whattup everyone,
I hope your memorial day was as good as mine. I watched the entire new season of Arrested Development and barely left the couch. Good times.
As always, if you got questions, send them my way. My mailbox is always open. Either email them to at Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. Keep them interesting.
this is a day later than usual but, surely, you don’t give a shit either way. So, let’s get into it.

What do you think about a person if you find out that they don’t drink?… Like if you realize it just from some passing comment during conversation… Do you find them suspicious and instantly try to distance yourself? Do you automatically assume anything good or bad about them? Do you instantly ask them “How can you not drink?”, or publicly berate them until they explain themselves? Why do so many drinkers react this way?

I don’t really react either way. While i’m curious of why they don’t, as long as they’re not judging me for drinking, I don’t really give a shit. It’s a little strange to ask someone straight up “Why don’t you drink?” cause, assuming you don’t know them that well, they might not want to tell a stranger that unless they are one of those rare people who was never into it. But , I’d imagine most passing acquaintances don’t really wanna get into their addiction history with anyone as small talk.

hey block

this question may not be applicable to your current creative process as some of the posts i’ve read seem to indicate you’ve streamlined things quite a bit (also the very nature of the problem just seems like something you’d have solved before becoming a professional musician), but i’ll give it a shot anyways as it’s not really something you’ve talked about explicitly.

how many beats are you working on at any given time and how do you go about managing all of your creative scraps and half-made songs? not really looking for step by step instructions or anything, just your overall take on this. i feel like it can become a problem more easily for people who do everything on a computer as all you have to do is press save as opposed to transcribing or recording an instrumental passage you just came up with.

I’m actually the type of guy who finishes what I started. I rarely make half a beat, leave it and move on to the next thing. This might be cause I know myself well enough to know that I’m not gonna touch it again once I’ve moved on. I’d sooner just start over then make half a beat. The only time I go back to a track is if I stopped making it cause of time constraints. But, keep in mind, my “finished beat” isn’t really finished. It’s just a beat that is complete in the sense that it’s got all the parts I think it needs for that time. Once it’s “done”, I throw it in the pile and move on but ,when it’s time to make a new album or work with mc’s, it gets a second life.

Whats your favourite line from Macgruber?
Oh man, there are so many…one that always cracks me up is when he’s talking to ryan phillippe by the fire about how he met his wife and spirals into the awful story of what a piece of sociopathic shit he is (but it’s being told by him as if he was a victim).

I live in a third world country (Australia), and you never come here, which is understandable, since it’s in the middle of fucking nowhere. This isn’t a plea begging you to please come over here to do some shows just for me or any of that pathetic “I’m your #1 fan dude, gimme some love” type wack shit, but I’m just curious as to what makes you go to places like st. petersburg or bucharest (not even sure if you went there or not)? Did enough people request you there or some peeps had loads of cash to book a tour for you or anything like that?

I’ve actually played in Australia before and I loved it. It was about 6 years ago though.
I have a simple answer for your question: I got where the offers are. If I don’t get offers from a certain place, I don’t go. Money is definitely an aspect of it, especially when traveling abroad. The flights to places have to be paid for and I’m not trying to lose money when I go on the road so, you know, the farther the place, the more they promoter has to be willing to spend. Or, at least, I have to have enough shows lined up at that destination that I come home with a decent amount of money. So, a place like australia is tough cause the flight is so expensive and booking a tour there longer than three gigs is rare. But, trust, I LOVED it there and would love to go back.

Hey Block, do you have any crazy/funny/weird stories about run-ins with the one-time???


I haven’t heard the term “one time” in forever. That means “police” , for anyone who was born after 1990 and before 1975.
As for cop run in’s, I can’t say I have. I’ve always been a very law abiding citizen. Outside of getting caught pissing in public, drinking in public and smoking weed in public, I’ve avoided their wrath. And all those instances just led to tickets or warnings.
I did get approached once for Jaywalking when I was in europe. Once he realized I was american the ticket turned into a warning though. But still, if your city gives tickets for jaywalking, they are both extremely safe and also very corny.

Always wondered…when you are performing, have you ever had to go to the bathroom really bad, like you want to run off the stage for a minute just to get it out of your system. I wonder this because I drink at a lot of shows and sometimes I can’t make it through a set without running to take a piss(usually after “breaking the seal”). Probably not as much of an issue since you are not a big drinker, but I know “artists” that drink before shows and sometime are tanked on stage. Any interesting stories you have or have heard from others? I know Action Bronson has been well documented pissing during his sets. Seems like it would be more of an issue for bands like The Cure of Bruce Springsteen who put on 3 hour+ sets. Are breaks planned for when a set is more than 45 minutes long? Thoughts?

I’ve had some close calls…but more with needing to shit than needing to pee.
The pee thing happened once when I was playing in San francisco. I had been drinking and was drunk enough to forget to empty myself before getting on stage. Normally, if it’s available , I’ll try and get any issues I have with my body fluids out of the way right before I go on. I’d say this practice is pretty typical of most musicians. In fact, the pre-show shit is an oft spoken of topic amongst performers. It’s part nerves and part lightening the load.
Anyway, halfway through the show, I had to piss like a mad man and was considering just peeing into a bottle on stage (I was actually in a booth that night so I could have technically gotten away with it). But, I held out and just bolted to a bathroom after the set was over. The only problem was that people wanted to talk to me as I got off stage. So, if you were one of those people and you’ve been telling your friends that I’m an asshole to my fans for the last 4 years, now you know. I had to pee WAY more than I had to meet you.
As for shit stories, I think I’ve told this one on here before. It was literally my first show ever. I was unbelievably nervous and playing in London in front of like 2000 people. Well, let me amend that. The venue would eventually have 2000 people but I was the opener to the opener and went on when the doors opened. so, it was more like 50 people. Still, it was my first show. I wasn’t aware of the pre-shit show standard so I just went on. typically, if you miss out on the pre show shit, the feeling will go away once you’re on stage. But, this was different. This was not just a pre-show shit ignored, this was also a natural cycle of life shit that would have happened if I was in my house watching TV. So, I’m up there, struggling through an awkward dj set (that’s what my first gigs were) while trying not to shit in my pants. I’m literally turtle heading for the entire second half of the show. I barely made it through and took the most glorious crap of my life.

F#ck/Marry/Kill Vol. 15


Hey guys, it’s been a while since I fucked, married or killed. No time better than now. Thanks to all of those who submitted the other day. I sued a few of them here and plan on using more in later editions. Anyway, I’ve bought back the “Kill style” thing, where I explain how I’d kill the people…cause you guys wanted it. You guys are fucked up.
Oh and , as always, this is all jokes. Don’t get mad/offended or whatever. While I am answering as honestly as I can, I don’t actually want to marry or kill any of these people. I do wanna a fuck a few of them though…anyway, on with it.

F/M/K:Lisa bonet, Christina ricci, Rosie perez
Now there are two ways to look at this one. It could be referring to these girls in their prime or referring to them right now. Because it’ll make it harder, I’m opting to to pick from the “prime” years.

Marry: Christina Ricci

She actually lives near me so I see her walking around every now and then. First off, she’s unbelievably tiny. She’s also one of those rare cases where a girl actually has gotten hotter as she’s gotten older. In my mind, she peaked in the “black Snake Moan” era. In person, she is very cute (if not off putting-ly small). I think I choose to marry her cause she seems like the least crazy of these three. I’m a fan of sane women and , in a case where all three are very fuckable, sometimes the small details prevail.

Fuck: Rosie Perez

rosie is the least attractive (in the face) of the three women here. But, if you ask any dude who grew up in NY in the 90’s and she has a very special place in our hearts. She was the quintessential puerto rican girl for all dorky white dudes. She was loud, intimidating and way sexier than any of us could imagine to handle as a teenager. She also reminded me of girls from my high school that I always longed for that would audibly guffaw at the idea ever letting my penis anywhere near them. So, for these reasons, I’m taking “White man can’t jump” era Rosie to bed. I’d still be a little intimidated though.
This is a case of sexiness going a long way. And she scared the sperm out of me when I was a teen.

Kill: Lisa Bonet

This pains me to do cause she has one of my all time favorite faces. She’s almost so pretty that it makes me uncomfortable. But the thing about Bonet is that, while she was stunningly beautiful, she never was that sexy to me. She kinda had a boys body and, worse of all, she seemed like a hippie. I can’t play that hippie shit for long periods of time so marriage would be out. At least in this situation.

Kill style: So, i’m afraid i’d have to kill “Angel heart” era Lisa bonet the way only “Angel heart” era lisa bonet would want to go…Voodoo.

F/M/K:sketch comedy shows:
Monty Python’s Flying Circus/Saturday Night Live/Mad TV

Kill: Mad TV

I mean, is it even a question? Mad TV is “In Living Color” for midwesterners. They had a few decent cast members over the years but the eye rolls always out weighed the laughs, in my opinion. Still, it was way better than that horrible ass “Lyricist Lounge show” that MTV used to run. Regardless, I’d kill Mad TV with the quickness.

Kill style: I’d probably just turn off the tv (or change the channel).

Marry: SNL

Listen, this is just what I came up watching. It’s been around as long as I can remember and , even when it’s been through rough patches, I’ve always found something good about it. In a way, it is very much like how I imagine a wife being like. It’s not perfect but you accept it faults as, ultimately , it’s a good thing that you can rely on. Sure, this wife may have whole seasons of shitty one notes jokes but what about the will ferrel years? Or Phil hartman? Those two examples alone would make me never question my vows.

Fuck: Monty Python’s Flying Circus

As I’m not a total nerd, I don’t out and out love Monty Python. While I realize they’re groundbreaking and often have been hilarious, it’s both a hair before my time and a little too british for my taste. That said, they’ve done plenty of amazing shit that I do ,in fact , like. So, I’d fuck’em. Once…or twice. I wouldn’t want to live a life with them but the occasional drop in would always be received with open arms.

F/M/K:Angela Lansbury, Kathy Bates, Sara Gilbert
I hate whoever sent me this one.

Kill: Kathy Bates

This was no easy choice. In a pool of obvious kills, who is the most deserving? Well, maybe “deserving” isn’t the right word. “Who’s the grossest?” might be a better way to look at is. And , well, bates is the grossest. unlike landsbury, she was never hot. And unlike gilbert, she’s like 70 years old. So, I’m afraid I’d have to put her out of her MISERY. Get it? Hiyoooooooooooooo!!!!!

Kill style: I’d kidnap her, tie her to a bed and make her write a book for me. Then I’d make her eat that book. This wouldn’t kill her but I’d make that her only food so she’d eventually starve to death.

Fuck: Sara Gilbert

Listen, I don’t wanna be there any more than she does. We can both close our eyes and pretend to be fucking hotter women. But, she’s the youngest of the group by far and , therefore, the most eligible to me. Sure, she looks like the puppet Madam crossed with a softball catcher but, whatever…give me shit choices and I’m forced to make shit decisions.

Marry: Angela Lansbury

See what I did there? ^^^^^^
Why marry her? Cause she’s the oldest and would die the quickest. Yup. That’s fucked up, right? I have no other reason beyond that. It might be a plus that her vagina has probably been dormant since the 60’s so that would be off the table. Maybe she’s good at baking? I feel like most 80 year olds can bake some shit half decently. Man, I hope she can bake…

F/M/K:Topanga, Blossom, Kimmie Gibbler

Fuck:Kimmie Gibbler

I don’t really wanna fuck her at all but these options leave me no choice. Kimmie Gibbler was MAD annoying but maybe putting a penis in her would calm her down. Like, you know how weed works for hyper active people and makes them almost normal? Maybe a fucking would do that for Kimmie Gibbler. I can only hope it would.

Marry: Topanga

The no-brainer of no-brainers. Topanga was where I think my generation got its appreciation for thick girls. She was a pretty faced jewess with an unconventional full body (for a tv show about white kids at least) that bordered on “Too thick” but was just enough on the right side of things to make every 14 year old boy go nuts. Also, she dated the boy meets world herb (on the show at least) so you know her standards are all sorts of low. Wait, did she date him? I don’t remember. Who cares.

Kill: Blossom

Blossom’s existence as a show always baffled me. She was a busted, uninteresting and a fairly annoying 15 year old girl. I guess there was a “She’s every teenaged girl” vibe there but still, she sucked. I wanted to kill blossom before I even played this game so it’s fitting that i get the hypothetical chance now.

Kill style: Buried alive in floral patterned fisherman’s hats.

F/M/K: Sarah Palin/Anne Romney/Kim Kardashian

Fuck: Sarah Palin

Hey, she’s an attractive older woman and she someone I loath. Why would I not want to hate fuck her? As much as killing her might be the just thing to do, I just can’t bring myself to fuck Anne Romney. She’s mormon. Don’t they fuck with underwear on or some shit? Weird. I also have a feeling that Palin is actually a fun hoe in the bedroom. After all, she fucked former NBA player Glen Rice. How lame could she be?

Marry: Kim Kardashian

This would be a quick marriage. She’s a truly awful person. Like so bad that her breath stinks from her soul rejecting her personality. That said, regardless of what you (IE: Every girl alive) might think, she’s still pretty hot. She’s fake and wears way too much make up but compared to the other two options, she’s mrs. fucking universe. So, the plan here would be to marry her, have as much sex with her as i can until the inevitable blow up and divorce. Not to mention, I feel like there would be lots of money in it for me. Tv shows, a book deal…It might be a good look.

Kill: Anne Romney

I got nothing against this woman except that she’s married to a piece of shit. It’s par for the course when it comes to politicians wives. But I don’t want to fuck her and i don’t want to marry her…So that leaves me with one alternative. I’d definitely wait till after the election though cause I feel like a widower might win on some pity vote shit.

Kill style: I’d make her watch Christopher Hitchens youtube clips discussing religion until she took her own life out of sheer frustration.

Answers for questions vol. 89

Whattup. Back again for the first time but really for the 88th time. The questions keep coming…so I keep answering. If you got more, send them my way. The weirder the better.
Leave them in the comments below or email me them at phatfriendblog@gmail.com
Okay? okay.

how the hell are you supposed to stay cool in NYC in the summer? if
you don’t have a car you can’t just simply blast the A.C. and keep it
moving. when you’re out and about you can duck into stores or whatever
and cool off for a minute. but after waiting on the subway platform
for more than 3 minutes its officially game over for not stinking and
having a dry shirt.

It gets pretty brutal here. As a person who sweats a fair amount, I can tell you that july and august in NYC is not the place to be. Many cold showers get taken and not because I’m horny. What I do to avoid the heat is stay inside and blast the air conditioning. Unfortunately, so does everyone else which often leads to blackouts in the city.
Other than that, wear shorts , go to places that have AC. Basically, just do the same thing you would anywhere else it’s hot.

Referencing “bad bitches” is so tired, so ubiquitous, I flinch when I hear otherwise great lyricists say it. What’re the hackiest phrases in hip hop right now?

“Swag” has got to be the most overused phrase right now. When I hear an adult use it (someone who’s my age, not a 22 year old adult) it sends douche chills down my spine. You know “swag” has gotten bad cause pretty soon it’s gonna start popping up in movies and a scene(s) will happen where an elderly person accidentally gets high or something and says “That’s shit is swag!”. Puffy’s old ass saying it without irony was one nail in the coffin. That movie situation will be the final nail (much like it was with Snoop dogg’s “for shizzle dizzle” talk)
I think what I like least about “swag” is that it’s lazy and can apply to anything. I’ve literally seen homeless men refer to their own swag. It’s attitude, it’s a walk, it’s clothing, it’s everything and yet it’s nothing. Fuck that dumb ass word.

your thumb gets ripped off in some terrible accident – it’s gone or so mangled it’s unusable.
but you have the option of replacing it with your big toe, or just leaving it be.
toe thumb or no thumb?

I feel like replacing it with my big toe would only lead to me having no big toe and barely functional thumb. I think I’d just leave it be. As important as a thumb is, being able to walk is more important.
One plus about losing my thumbs is that I could say i did it in protest of Mac Miller’s “Thumbs up” initiative.

I’m an MC (but who isn’t these days?) and I’ve been driven to wanting to produce my own beats. There’s too much garbage, too much drama, and too many people too unbelievably full of themselves to really build up any sort of relationship with at this point. Coming to mind is the local guy – a total unknown – who demanded $1000 to delete a pre-recorded hook in a beat he put out on a mixtape for people to rap over. “Yeah, I still have the files in Reason, but I’m gonna need you to fill out the paperwork and buy exclusive rights to the track before I do anything to it.” That kind of behavior sort of drove me back to the belief of “if you want something done right, do it yourself.”
That said, I have no idea where to start. I’m a pretty competent musician – I can play piano, bass, and guitar proficiently – and I’m not a bad songwriter in most rock genres. I’m also generally surrounded by talented musicians… but… I just have no idea how so much of this crap works. I guess the second part of that is live performance – what’s supposed to happen if you’ve already got your backing tracks and you’re doing a show? Hire some dude with a laptop to stand behind you and play them?
I wish I could just go and see that kind of thing in action, but the hip hop scene in Atlanta is garbage unless you’re some fat dude who screams “swag” over cut-rate dubstep at a club full of greasy teenagers.

Kinda confused as to what your question it, bro. Should you make your own beats? Uh…sure. Why not? I’d say you’re jumping ahead though already thinking about the performance aspect. Make some songs people actually like first. What you do on stage doesn’t matter if there is no one watching you do it. I will say this though, at your level, paying people to do things seems pointless. You shouldn’t have to pay anyone for beats yet. Those people trying to charge are most likely hacks and grifters. Paying for music happens when you can actually make a profit off music and that’s not happening anytime soon. Just find likeminded folks who are down to play some shit. You say you know musicians, I’m sure some are down to jam or whatever. Just make your music first and then worry about the business side of things when it’s applicable

Related to the cute / hot semantics: do you see a difference between a bro, a douchebag,and a hipster. If so, please describe.

Okay…let’s see. I suppose the best way to go about this is to just list them and describe them.
A Bro: This is your typical frat guy, vertical striped shirt at the bar, dressed like all his boys kinda dude who watches tons of college basketball. He’s not a bad guy. He’s friendly. He’s not a smart guy but he will say something funny by accident every now and then over Jager shots. He works out and manages to be kinda fat at the same time. When he plays sports, his face turns mad red. He’s got a life plan that was laid out by his parents and their parents. He gets married, has kids and dies. He’s harmless and useless at the same time. He knows the lyrics to Drake songs and has been to a dave matthews concert. He has drunkenly made out with many girls he met at bars that night but he’s also been charged with date rape.

A douche bag: Unlike a “bro”, a douche bag isn’t so much a genre of person. You can’t just walk down the street and be like “Oh, he’s just a douche bag…” well, you can but my point is there all tons of different types of douche bags. There are bro douche bags, there are hipster douche bags. Every personality type has a douche bag version. Because of this, it’s hard to really pinpoint what makes a person a douche bag. They just kinda are and you know it when you see it. That hipster explaining to you why Michael Bay movies are actually the pinnacle of all cinema while citing black and white french films? A douche bag. That Bro bumping shoulders with strangers at the bar with hopes of starting a fight? A Douche bag. That Hip hop dude who scoffs at the thought of a dj using Serato cause it’s not “real hip hop”? Huge douche bag.
Basically, it’s a know it all asshole who doesn’t realize what a shithead he is. So, I’d say the best way to describe a douche bag is someone who is completely unaware of themselves yet, at the same time, manages to be smug.

A Hipster: This word has spun out of control. And it’s definition depends on who you ask. I’ve been called a hipster. I’m 35 and wear jeans, t-shirts and hats everywhere….but to someone, I’m a hipster. Then, I go out and see 22 year olds dressed like israeli break dancers and think “look at those hipsters”. I suppose Hipsters are in the eye of the beholder. Personally, I view it as anyone who’s uber-aware of current trends and following those trends. For better or for worse cause, as we know, most trend are fucking laughable…but that doesn’t stop some kid from wearing a bowler hat, a sleeveless black vest, some daisy duke shorts (this is a man I’m talking about here) long black wool socks and some rare nike kicks that costs 400 bucks.

Just wondering, did you ever get any douchebags wanting to friend you acting like you guys were good friends after you got well known in the music scene in social media sites like facebook or twitter that you knew in high school/college but hated?

Not at all. First off, I’m not nearly famous enough for that to happen. Secondly, all those people are my age, which means they’d be like 35 trying to get down with me on some weird groupie shit. What 35 year old does that?
The only instance of this I can think of is when I meet someone, they have no idea who I am and then they find out. There have certainly been cases of that and even then, it’s more a situation of that person who was somewhat dismissive of me is all of a sudden really friendly. It doesn’t really mean shit to me though cause , for the most part, I’ve been hanging with the same group of friends for like 15-20 years. I’m not really in the market to make “new friends” that often so it’s not exactly an option for people.

Do you and the basketball fans you know in Manhattan give a shit that Brooklyn is getting a NBA team? Could a rivalry be brewing between these boroughs or could you careless what happens in Kings County? Just wondering what the local vibe is there and in Kings County about the issue.

I haven’t noticed an overwhelming feel either way. I think, as a person living in NYC, most people are kind of excited to have another option for a team to go watch play live. I don’t think Knick fans will be rooting for the nets though. What I do see happening is all the Brooklyn transplants embracing the Nets and it becoming some sort of hipster thing. I’ve already seen their shirts all around town. To be honest, the simple design and colors (black and white) are kinda dope.
Regardless, unless they get good very soon (which is unlikely) , the Nets will always be the second NY team. Like the Mets.

what’s your workflow like?
best part? shitty part?

Erratic. I pretty much work when i feel like it. Unless I’m focusing on something that’s time sensitive, then I’m fairly proactive. I tend to work in chunks. Like I’ll pound out a bunch of beats in a week and then not do anything for a week. It depends how I feel. I don’t really look at anything as a “best” or “worst” part. i mean, I definitely don’t like the preliminary stages of starting a new album cause it’s literally me just mapping out shit and it’s more math than it is musical. That shit is beyond tedious. But, other than that, it’s all good. I’m a pretty quick worker and just obsessive enough that I pretty much finish everything I start.

have you ever taught production lessons? what would you focus on? it’s something i’m thinking of doing.

God no. I’d be a terrible teacher. Aside from my basic impatience , I’m a short cut taking , lazy, learn my own way kinda person. My way is NEVER the correct way to do things. It’s organic, but most of the time it’s totally wrong. I can barely remember what plug goes where to even set my own studio up, let alone teach someone anything.

The Robin Byrd Mixtape


As you may know, my new album “Interludes after midnight” drops in about two weeks (April 30th, on Ninja Tune records). As a lead in, my boy Dj Pizzo from http://www.hiphopsite.com did me a major solid and made a hour and 15 minute mix of some of my older music. He did a really awesome job and I hope it whets your appetite for the new stuff coming soon.
Anyway, here’s the link:
http://soundcloud.com/dj-pizzo/blockhead-the-robin-byrd
Listen to it there, download it, masturbate to it…do whatever you like. Just peep it.

Here’s the description from the man who made it himself:
Back in 2005, HipHopSite.Com pressed up a special promotional CD for pre-orders of Blockhead’s “Downtown Science” LP called “The Block Is Hot Part 2”. Limited to 1000 copies, the disc included a handful of unreleased joints from Block, but more importantly a live recording of a performance in NYC. Block had mixed tracks from his first two albums together into one super-chilled out mix before a live audience, and it was captured there.

Fast-forward to 2011, Blockhead had since released two more albums, “Uncle Tony’s Coloring Book” and “The Music Scene”, both of which had become lexicon for this DJ. So, while out in L.A. for a gig, my manager and I constantly were listening to “The Block Is Hot Part 2” and it’s live mix, marveling how years later it still held up. I thought to myself, “wouldn’t it be great if Block did another one of these mixes for his last couple of LP’s?”

I called up Block and asked him if he had any plans to do so, and he seemed overwhelmed with finishing his new LP, “Interludes After Midnight”. I then pitched to him the idea of doing it myself as some kind of lead-in project for the new LP. I then started to think about all of those cool bootlegs and unreleased tracks he threw out on his Phat Friend blog, and thus, “The Robin Byrd Mixtape” was born.

This mix is mainly built around “Uncle Tony’s Coloring Book” (my personal favorite Blockhead LP) and “The Music Scene”, and also includes a handful of semi-exclusive remixes that Blockhead did for fun, as well as a strange demo he did for some chick named Lizzy Grant (who you might recognize now as Lana Del Rey). I also threw in a handful of other beats, collabos, b -sides, unreleased cuts, and even some of his discarded “throwaway” demos, which in reality ain’t all that bad. So, enjoy this 80 minute mix of Blockhead classics and rarities until Midnight arrives……. – DJ Pizzo

More info on my new album! Free downloads! Woo-hoo!


So, My new album , “Interludes After Midnight” drops on April 30th on Ninja Tune Records.
This has been covered pretty extensively so lemme just jump right into giving you the links…

Here’s the Ninja tune page for the album , including a link to a free download to my song “NEver forget your token”
http://www.ninjatune.net/blockhead/

Here’s the soundcloud page for “Never forget your token”
http://soundcloud.com/ninja-tune/blockhead-never-forget-your

Here’s a link to I-tunes, where you can pre-order the album:
http://itunes.apple.com/preorder/interludes-after-midnight/id511173647

Here’s a link to the ninja tunes shop where you can pre-order the vinyl and bonus 7”
http://ninjatune.net/release/blockhead/interludes-after-midnight

Here’s a link to Amazon.com to pre-order all that shit as well…
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_12?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=blockhead+interludes+after+midnight&sprefix=blockhead+in%2Caps%2C201

Here’s a link to Magneticmag.com where you can download the “Beyond reach (featuring Baby Dayliner) for free:
http://www.magneticmag.com/2012/03/exclusive-download-blockhead-beyond-reach-feat-baby-dayliner/