Current events: Let’s talk about these Youtube clips

th
It’s been a fun week for ridiculous videos. I figured it might be enjoyable to watch some and take an in depth look at them. Sure, why not?
Let’s start with a clip that was all over my facebook wall: The case of the girl who “didn’t” have sex with all of the Wu-tang clan

Now, watching this clip, I have mixed feelings. For one, I don’t think this girl fucked every member of Wu-tang clan. That would be impossible. You’re telling me Cappadonna and Masta Killa really got in there? No way. I think the ex-boyfriend is being totally presumptive and assuming the worst. I’d even go as far to say as I bet there isn’t a girl on earth who has slept with EVERY Wu-tang member. 3 or 4 of them? Sure. 5 or 6 even. But all of them? Getting them together in a room would be hard enough. Add on they’re all there to have sex with the same woman and you’re looking at odds similar to lightening striking the same person three times.
That said, the girl in this video has a look in her face that I’ve seen before. The look of someone who is totally full of shit but still smugly happy with herself. She found her way onto the Wu-tang Tour bus and hung out until 7 AM. I’ve toured enough to know that, unless you’re old school buddies with artists, pg rated shit does not go down on tour buses or in hotels after 2 am. My guess? She smoked a ton of weed. She drank a ton of booze. She saw at least one penis and sperm was involved. Whether she had vaginal sex or just used other orifices , I can’t tell you. But if you put her on a lie detector test, I’m pretty sure she would know the answer to “What does inspectah decks dick taste like?”. I only say this cause groupies gonna groupie. She can play dumb and say “Oh, I was just hanging out as friends!” but these are rappers we’re talking about. Not spiritual folk musicians who just wanna talk about the cosmos. They’re not trying to build lasting friendships with random midwest groupies. They are there for business. Again, I’ve seen this all first hand over and over again. It’s simply how the game goes. If they legit want nothing sexual from these women they meet after shows, honestly, they’d bounce. They’d go to bed cause sleep is rare on tour and you get it when you can. If they’re loyal husbands, they go to bed even earlier. Wu-tang clan IS something to fuck with, if you’re a drunken blonde girl in ann arbor michigan at 4 am on a tour bus. Not judging her cause, hey, they’re legends. But , even though he took it too far, her ex man definitely has a case.
After all, it was “one of the greatest nights of her life”. I’ve had some great conversations in my time…but I’m pretty sure none of them hold up as the “greatest night” of anything. That time I jerked of Raekwon while the GZA watched and played chess, though? I’ll never forget it.

The second vid to talk about is the new Sir Jarlsberg video.
It’s an ode to NYC public access. I realize this is a reference that will be lost on many of you but, holy shit does he nail it. I grew up watching this kinda stuff and it’s pitch perfect.

It should be noted that this contains clips of some real public access stuff from the 80’s and 90’s. Just to give you a reference point. Also, I make an appearance , so there’s that too.

The third video is of Madonna kissing Drake at Coachella

Now, I’m not trying to write a think piece on this dumb kiss. Inappropriate public kisses BEEN madonnas thing forever. I more wanna talk about drakes reaction AKA did he just drake castor oil out of a homeless mans boot?
Now, he’s gone on record saying something like her lip balm was funky tasting. RIGGGHHHHTTTT. We all know that shit flavored lip balm that famous people use. Seeing that that is clearly not true, I wanna go through 10 possible theories of what happened
1)A moth ball fell out of her mouth into his.
2)He could taste the remnants of Vanilla Ice and Dennis Rodman.
3)The fact she wouldn’t let him touch her hair was a huge turn off to him as,it it known, drake loves nothing more than brushing girls hair.
4)She spat in his mouth.
If I can expand on this one a little…when I was 15 or 16, my first real girlfriend and I were making out. For some reason, she thought it would be funny to spit in my mouth. My reaction was not far off from Drake’s in this clip except I was furious. I dunno, seeing it unfold just bought back those feelings. It’s possible.
5)Drake’s current girl was there so he had to play it off like it was gross.
6)It was, in fact, gross cause madonna is old and disgusting now. His reaction was a natural “ewwwwww…”
7)Her dentures fell into his mouth
8)Drake is grossed out but not having a serious emotional connection withe very girl he ksises. Simply put, he felt vulnerable and that reaction was soul saying “Not cool, bro…she’s somebodies mother!”
9)She burped into his mouth
10)She had kabala breath.
It’s gotta be one or more of those. Hopefully a full investigation will take place so we can get to the bottom of this urgent matter.

Last ,but not least, this video of a russian kid doing a cover of a Linkin park/Jay-z song.

First off, has there been a worse idea ever in music that bringing
jay-Z and Linkin Park together? Probably but this was reallllly fucking bad. But, let’s push that to the side for now and discuss people who record cover song videos for youtube. Specifically, for rap songs.
What is wrong with you? Where did life go wrong for you? Why? How? Who did this to you and where did the bad man touch you?
I get it on some level. It’s like Karaoke , but alone with a go pro. It’s just further proof that we are living in a coddled and delusional time like no other. Everyone thinks they’re special and no one is telling them otherwise. Well, let me be the first to say it then. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. NO ONE CARES. PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING AT YOU, NOT WITH YOU. Feel free to apply those statements to an and all things most people do on earth that involves someone else having to sit and watch them. I’ll include myself and my own career in there as well. I’m okay with that.

Meet the worst dude

Screen shot 2014-11-05 at 11.14.37 AM
A while back, I wrote a post about “yellow fever“. I posted it here in 2010 but I think it was actually written around 2007-2008. So, to say it’s dated is an understatement. So dated, in fact, that I almost didn’t wanna link it but I feel as though it compliments what I’m gonna get into here a little. What i’m saying is that, while I do stand by the basic sentiment of the post, it’s also admittedly VERY rough around the edges and not primed for 2014. But, you get the point. So, please, read it with that in mind.
As I state in that article, certain white dudes obsessions with asian women (and ONLY asian women) have always been really telling. I recently was hipped to a pretty fucked up video that really just took this to another level.
Warning: If you are a female, this is going infuriate you. If you are a male with any decency, you will be bothered by this. If you’re a scum bag dude? You will probably drop everything you’re doing and buy tickets to Japan the second the video ends.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grV1iDns87s
In this clip, we see the shittiest of all the shitty white bro’s in skinny jeans with a body like Grover, giving a lecture to a group of dudes who probably secretly thought Elliot Rodger made some valid points. He basically explains to them how , as a white men, you can go to Japan and just go completely ham on the ladies. Fuck basic human interaction/right…just grab these girls by their heads, say something vaguely “japanese” to them and thrust their faces into your crotch. It’s seriously fucked up.
There really isn’t much more to say other than “WOW”. I guess I wanted to post this to spread it around cause it’s definitely one of these “This can’t be real life” moments.
Not sure who this guy is or how he gathered a whole group of people at whatever howard johnson’s banquet room this was filmed in but I can only assume he’s been shut down by now. I mean, surely the internet got a hold of this and began decimating his life. 4-chan exists for a reason. I’m am curious though so, if any of you have more info on him or this entire thing, please write in the comment section about it. Inquiring minds want to know…

This week in ridiculous rap: COMEUPOUTDAWAHTA by Gmcfosho

gmcfosho - COMEUPOUTDAWAHTA
This is a little different than the typical “Ridiculous rap” I tend to highlight in this column. While it’s possibly the most ridiculous rap ever, it’s also straddling that line of being so weird that it actually might be kinda “good”. Well, Good is a strong work. How bout “entertaining”? Like in a Wesley willis Kinda way.

While I do know the name of the man responsible for this song is Gmcfosho, I don’t know how much he’s kidding. In fact, I don’t know what his intentions were. That’s kinda par for the course for videos like this. As uninformed people watching this , we gotta decide “is this guy a comedic genius/savant or a mentally ill person?”. With the way youtube videos are nowadays, it can be pretty difficult to tell. Watching this, I think it’s clear the guy is in on the joke and the video itself is so wacky that I can’t imagine this is a IcejjFish situation of someone who is just wildly delusional. Aesthetically, This plays right into my wheelhouse cause it looks like something I might have seen on public access in the 90’s. I will always be a sucker for that style of terrible video.
Whatever the case, props to this dude for being as truly strange as he is. I feel like he’s an ode to Kool Keith , Tim & Eric and Lil’ B without even knowing it.

Ever been grapefruited by a bobcat?

Adult_Bobcat
I used to “date” this girl I affectionately referred to as “The bobcat”. She got this name by being a…well…toothy lover. Yesterday I saw a video that introduced me to a new type of bobcat. In fact, pretty much the opposite of that girl I used to hook up with. Just a heads up (no pun intended), this is HIGHLY NSW. I’m saying, if you’re sitting in your godforsaken cubicle , this is a no go. For so many reasons.

Bless this woman. Looking like a sexually invigorated version of Roc’s wife, this lady is serious about her pleasure giving. After seeing this, I immediately went into “find out everything on earth about this person” mode. Well, she’s for real. She’s an intimacy expert. She’s got a website and she sells her insights.
http://angelseroticsolutions.com/
A little more digging and this video popped up
http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshh60Y199DjwGYk2tgr
Wow. I mean…WOW. This woman terrifies me but, at the same time, there is no denying her technique. I don’t doubt being the guy who receives her “gift” is special. I’m speechless.

This week in ridiculous rap: Stitches

screen-shot-2014-04-28-at-10-06-01-am

So, umm, how you feeling today? Mellow? Relaxed? Like life is a bubble bath? Well, I got just the thing for you. I just saw a video of a new rapper that will rub you one of three ways.
1)You will hate it so much you will turn it off before it even becomes clear what is going on.
2)This will make your day , as it is fucking hilarious.
3)You will legit love this song and repost it on all your social networks.
For those of you who take rap music very seriously, this is not for you. I love rap too ,guys, but sometimes you gotta just let your guard down and embrace comedy as comedy. Let me stop rambling and just show you what I’m talking about.

At very first glance, the question that immediately pops into my head here is “Is this guy from Florida”. A few seconds into the video, that question is answered with a resounding “yes!”.
Stitches is an 18 year old rapper from Miami. He’s got an AK 47 tatted on her face. That’s commitment. He’s half cuban and half Greek and, more than anything, he loves selling bloowwwwwwwwwww!!!!!
He’s got the blood/drug lust of Gunplay, the energy of Mystikal, the social graces of Tim Dog and the fashion sense of a Rap/rock nightmare. This dude has got undeniable…energy. I don’t do coke but I’d imagine that hearing this while ski’d up would result in broken furniture and possibly broken friendships. This is the musical equivalent to being pushed off the top of the empire state building. Honestly…it’s just so insane on so many levels, I keep watching it and forgetting what I want to say about it.
Side note, it’s always impressive to me when these homemade videos look so professionally made. Is it simply that things look better in black and white? Part of me feels like these types of dudes deserve credit for being able to artfully (yeah, I said that about this) capture themselves in a way that’s both compelling and visually pleasing. I dunno. It’s so easy to make a bad video and then a guy like this comes around and makes this. Say what you will…it’s pretty fucking compelling.

Some Odds and ends

man reaching into grab bag
So, I got nothing of great importance to share today. But, luckily for all of us, the internet never sleeps. So, instead of force some random “song of the day” on you, here’s a run down of a bunch of random shit I think you might enjoy. Music, videos, articles, etc…Basically, a gumbo of the things i’ve been into this past week or so. So, dig in…lots of goodies here.

outkast-1-450x450
First off, Nahright did something awesome and put together a compilation of all the loose outkast tracks out there. I thought I was up on all their shit but, apparently, i was mistaken. Peep this and download the 34 songs mixtape. Some really great shit on here.
http://nahright.com/news/2014/04/12/mick-greetings-earthling-outkast-rarities-remixes/

People are always asking me at shows , “do you have a recording of your live set?”. Sadly, my answer is no cause, well, if I give that away, what do I have left? People coming out to see my shows is literally the last way I can still make steady money doing music. Some things need to be left alone. That said, there is one recording I did a while back of a live set. It was done during one of my first tours ,in NYC, and it was available on a tour only CD called “The block is hot pt. 2”. That Cd has long since been sold out but the live set is on youtube in it’s completion. So, if you really want to own this, you can still do so…just go to one of those youtube/mp3 conversion sites and Voila!
Here’s the youtube link either way.

a3683232751_2
My homeboy, good rapper and host of the awesome “Kinda Neat” Podcast, Intuition, just put out a new album. He and his producer, the highly underrated Equalibrum, have been working on this for, oh I dunno, forever? But it’s finally here. Well worth the weight. Dope beats, dope rhymes. If you’re a fan or the more introspective side of rapping, this will be your shit.
Peep it here:
http://itsintuition.com/album/intuition-equalibrum

Oh shit, i almost forgot…
a0290767562_2
Speaking of homeboys and music, my Buddy Premrock also put out a new album and I did a few tracks on it. Dope shit right here…Peep it.
http://planetpremrock.bandcamp.com/

desus-vs-mero
You up on this Desus vs. Mero podcast yet? You might wanna get on that. Basically, the two funniest motherfuckers on twitter (who both happen to be from the bronx) got together and made a podcast. While it was initially just an audio show, it’s now become a tv show, thanks to the good people at Complex magazine. This shit is amazing. If you’re a fan of two hilarious dudes just snapping on everything, this will make your week. If not, you’re a big fucking nerd. Sorry…but you are.
http://www.complex.com/tv/shows/desus-vs-mero

Screen shot 2014-04-25 at 9.36.11 AM
My friend recently put me on to something very awesome. It’s an instagram profile of a girl who draws pictures of the awful men she deals with on OKcupid. I could explain it more but just read this article and follow her on instagram. The shit is hilarious.
http://jezebel.com/genius-woman-responds-to-okcupid-creeps-by-drawing-them-1566157819

The Troy Blog put up this lost gem today. For all you rap nerds, here’s Saafir’s demo tape that he originally sent to the Source. I actually had this back in the mid 90’s but have since lost it. Pretty psyched to get it back.
http://www.thetroyblog.com/2014/04/25/saafir-unsigned-hype-demo-tape-1992/

And I’ll finish this all off with some funny youtube vids…Why not?

Lastly, here’s a full hour long set of Comedian Patrice O’neal from 2004. He passed away last year , right as he was about to really ascend. Anyway, what’s interesting about this is that , in this set, it’s hard to really tell what the crowd thinks of him. He certainly doesn’t “Kill”. To be clear, Patrice was wildly offensive. Especially towards women. So, watching this is both hilarious and nuts cause he simply doesn’t back down from his opinions. He’s relentless. In fact, he buries himself deeper and deeper regardless of the crowds reaction to his jokes. So, while this may very likely infuriate some of you ladies out there (especially towards the end where his entire bit is based on the premise that , in general, men don’t like women) you gotta hand it to the dude for being fearless. Also, guys, you’ll love this.

I don’t even know anymore

So this video has been making the rounds on the internet and I honestly can no longer tell what is real and what isn’t.
Here’s the thing…Clearly there is something wrong with this guy. Either he’s actually like that and living in an “American Idol” like haze of delusion OR he’s a dude making fun of learning disabled people. Either way, someone is responsible for this shit and needs to step forward and explain themselves.
This being the internet, I did some minor investigating. What I came across was a bunch of videos of this guy covering famous songs.


He speaks pretty normally. Doesn’t seem to be a person with special needs (not any more than your typical “person who covers songs badly in their bedroom for youtube” does). Nope. He seems like he’s more mentally competent than, say, the chocolate rain guy. I’d guess this dude lands squarely between “internet troll” and “Delusional American Idol haze”. Even knowing that…I still don’t get it. So deep.
As far as the video in the headline, specifically, I have so many questions.
First off, how did they get THAT girl to be in the video. She’s legit hot and she never even cracks a knowing smile. Clearly, she heard the song playing back while they we’re filming right? Or maybe she just thought someone was killing dolphins nearby? Perhaps she doesn’t speak english or something?
Secondly, I realize that making a decent looking video is pretty cheap nowadays. But other videos of this “so bad they’re good” nature That were made by people who are not in on their own joke, typically look like shit. stuff like these two classics.

Or

But this video looks decent. I mean, it’s not like Hype Williams directed it but it’s at least in focus and edited well.
Thirdly, when i think about the steps it takes to get a video made…it’s pretty impressive. This dude recorded this song. Someone made a beat for him. He did multiple takes (Maybe?), he got it mixed and maybe even mastered (unlikely). He then played it for someone else who was like “yeah, I’ll make a video for that”. They then casted the video , shot it, edited it and gave it to the world. All that happened for this to exist. It blows my mind. I suppose my question would be How? Why? What?

This video brings me back to something I’ve harped on before. I no longer have the ability to tell what is real and what is not. There was a time when satire or parody always tipped it’s hat just a little. Even the guys from Turquoise Jeep , which had a few people scratching their heads, let on just enough for you to know it was a joke.

But there is a new generation of videos that somehow fall between parody and just being the worst things ever made. Without question, they’re entertaining. I can’t lie. I watch all those videos repeatedly. But , part of the humor of them is how authentic they really are. If this dude is a normal guy who’s making fun of retarded people, then he’s kind of an asshole. But , if he’s actually like that and just a guy who made a song, then that makes us and the people who helped make this video/song (who clearly were aware of his “quirky” disposition) assholes for laughing at him. I remember back in the day, when Corky from the tv show “life goes on” released an album.

If you don’t know or remember, Chris Burke was an actor with downs syndrome. On “Life goes on” he played Corky and become both inspirational to many people with learning disabilities ,as well as the punch line to many jokes to assholes (myself included…I was in high school. it was par for the course). Anyway, his album of songs came out and , on paper, my dickhead friends and I expected it to be a laugh riot. However, when we finally heard it. It wasn’t funny. It was just…awkward and kinda depressing. Not cause he was such a terrible singer (he was, though) but cause we realized that making fun of this poor dude was really unfair. It was a real jolt of compassion that hadn’t been there prior to hearing his songs.
Seeing this video kinda gives me that same feeling. I feel bad for the dude (assuming he’s for real). He’s nowhere near Corky. In fact, he seems pretty normal when he’s not singing. By “Normal” i mean, he’s just your typical moron on youtube. That kinda person makes up like 93% of all people in first world countries. Sure, he’s ripe for mockery. So much so that it would be in bad taste to even bother. I just can’t shake the feeling of “how did this get made?”.
Now, I don’t wanna sound like the PC police here. If you’ve watched and laughed at this video, I get it. I definitely was pretty floored the first time I saw it. It’s insane. I see that. As much as this may seem like it, I’m really not trying to be captain buzzkill here. It’s just I truly want to know more. About this guy. About the process it took to make the video. Everything. So, this is where you, the reader, comes in and tells me what’s what. I’m sure some of you must know some background on this shit. Please…explain it to me. Like I’m a 3rd grader. Also, explain this , while your at it. I’m at a total loss.