Ever been grapefruited by a bobcat?

Adult_Bobcat
I used to “date” this girl I affectionately referred to as “The bobcat”. She got this name by being a…well…toothy lover. Yesterday I saw a video that introduced me to a new type of bobcat. In fact, pretty much the opposite of that girl I used to hook up with. Just a heads up (no pun intended), this is HIGHLY NSW. I’m saying, if you’re sitting in your godforsaken cubicle , this is a no go. For so many reasons.

Bless this woman. Looking like a sexually invigorated version of Roc’s wife, this lady is serious about her pleasure giving. After seeing this, I immediately went into “find out everything on earth about this person” mode. Well, she’s for real. She’s an intimacy expert. She’s got a website and she sells her insights.
http://angelseroticsolutions.com/
A little more digging and this video popped up
http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshh60Y199DjwGYk2tgr
Wow. I mean…WOW. This woman terrifies me but, at the same time, there is no denying her technique. I don’t doubt being the guy who receives her “gift” is special. I’m speechless.

This week in ridiculous rap: Stitches

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So, umm, how you feeling today? Mellow? Relaxed? Like life is a bubble bath? Well, I got just the thing for you. I just saw a video of a new rapper that will rub you one of three ways.
1)You will hate it so much you will turn it off before it even becomes clear what is going on.
2)This will make your day , as it is fucking hilarious.
3)You will legit love this song and repost it on all your social networks.
For those of you who take rap music very seriously, this is not for you. I love rap too ,guys, but sometimes you gotta just let your guard down and embrace comedy as comedy. Let me stop rambling and just show you what I’m talking about.

At very first glance, the question that immediately pops into my head here is “Is this guy from Florida”. A few seconds into the video, that question is answered with a resounding “yes!”.
Stitches is an 18 year old rapper from Miami. He’s got an AK 47 tatted on her face. That’s commitment. He’s half cuban and half Greek and, more than anything, he loves selling bloowwwwwwwwwww!!!!!
He’s got the blood/drug lust of Gunplay, the energy of Mystikal, the social graces of Tim Dog and the fashion sense of a Rap/rock nightmare. This dude has got undeniable…energy. I don’t do coke but I’d imagine that hearing this while ski’d up would result in broken furniture and possibly broken friendships. This is the musical equivalent to being pushed off the top of the empire state building. Honestly…it’s just so insane on so many levels, I keep watching it and forgetting what I want to say about it.
Side note, it’s always impressive to me when these homemade videos look so professionally made. Is it simply that things look better in black and white? Part of me feels like these types of dudes deserve credit for being able to artfully (yeah, I said that about this) capture themselves in a way that’s both compelling and visually pleasing. I dunno. It’s so easy to make a bad video and then a guy like this comes around and makes this. Say what you will…it’s pretty fucking compelling.

Some Odds and ends

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So, I got nothing of great importance to share today. But, luckily for all of us, the internet never sleeps. So, instead of force some random “song of the day” on you, here’s a run down of a bunch of random shit I think you might enjoy. Music, videos, articles, etc…Basically, a gumbo of the things i’ve been into this past week or so. So, dig in…lots of goodies here.

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First off, Nahright did something awesome and put together a compilation of all the loose outkast tracks out there. I thought I was up on all their shit but, apparently, i was mistaken. Peep this and download the 34 songs mixtape. Some really great shit on here.
http://nahright.com/news/2014/04/12/mick-greetings-earthling-outkast-rarities-remixes/

People are always asking me at shows , “do you have a recording of your live set?”. Sadly, my answer is no cause, well, if I give that away, what do I have left? People coming out to see my shows is literally the last way I can still make steady money doing music. Some things need to be left alone. That said, there is one recording I did a while back of a live set. It was done during one of my first tours ,in NYC, and it was available on a tour only CD called “The block is hot pt. 2”. That Cd has long since been sold out but the live set is on youtube in it’s completion. So, if you really want to own this, you can still do so…just go to one of those youtube/mp3 conversion sites and Voila!
Here’s the youtube link either way.

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My homeboy, good rapper and host of the awesome “Kinda Neat” Podcast, Intuition, just put out a new album. He and his producer, the highly underrated Equalibrum, have been working on this for, oh I dunno, forever? But it’s finally here. Well worth the weight. Dope beats, dope rhymes. If you’re a fan or the more introspective side of rapping, this will be your shit.
Peep it here:
http://itsintuition.com/album/intuition-equalibrum

Oh shit, i almost forgot…
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Speaking of homeboys and music, my Buddy Premrock also put out a new album and I did a few tracks on it. Dope shit right here…Peep it.
http://planetpremrock.bandcamp.com/

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You up on this Desus vs. Mero podcast yet? You might wanna get on that. Basically, the two funniest motherfuckers on twitter (who both happen to be from the bronx) got together and made a podcast. While it was initially just an audio show, it’s now become a tv show, thanks to the good people at Complex magazine. This shit is amazing. If you’re a fan of two hilarious dudes just snapping on everything, this will make your week. If not, you’re a big fucking nerd. Sorry…but you are.
http://www.complex.com/tv/shows/desus-vs-mero

Screen shot 2014-04-25 at 9.36.11 AM
My friend recently put me on to something very awesome. It’s an instagram profile of a girl who draws pictures of the awful men she deals with on OKcupid. I could explain it more but just read this article and follow her on instagram. The shit is hilarious.
http://jezebel.com/genius-woman-responds-to-okcupid-creeps-by-drawing-them-1566157819

The Troy Blog put up this lost gem today. For all you rap nerds, here’s Saafir’s demo tape that he originally sent to the Source. I actually had this back in the mid 90’s but have since lost it. Pretty psyched to get it back.
http://www.thetroyblog.com/2014/04/25/saafir-unsigned-hype-demo-tape-1992/

And I’ll finish this all off with some funny youtube vids…Why not?

Lastly, here’s a full hour long set of Comedian Patrice O’neal from 2004. He passed away last year , right as he was about to really ascend. Anyway, what’s interesting about this is that , in this set, it’s hard to really tell what the crowd thinks of him. He certainly doesn’t “Kill”. To be clear, Patrice was wildly offensive. Especially towards women. So, watching this is both hilarious and nuts cause he simply doesn’t back down from his opinions. He’s relentless. In fact, he buries himself deeper and deeper regardless of the crowds reaction to his jokes. So, while this may very likely infuriate some of you ladies out there (especially towards the end where his entire bit is based on the premise that , in general, men don’t like women) you gotta hand it to the dude for being fearless. Also, guys, you’ll love this.

I don’t even know anymore

So this video has been making the rounds on the internet and I honestly can no longer tell what is real and what isn’t.
Here’s the thing…Clearly there is something wrong with this guy. Either he’s actually like that and living in an “American Idol” like haze of delusion OR he’s a dude making fun of learning disabled people. Either way, someone is responsible for this shit and needs to step forward and explain themselves.
This being the internet, I did some minor investigating. What I came across was a bunch of videos of this guy covering famous songs.


He speaks pretty normally. Doesn’t seem to be a person with special needs (not any more than your typical “person who covers songs badly in their bedroom for youtube” does). Nope. He seems like he’s more mentally competent than, say, the chocolate rain guy. I’d guess this dude lands squarely between “internet troll” and “Delusional American Idol haze”. Even knowing that…I still don’t get it. So deep.
As far as the video in the headline, specifically, I have so many questions.
First off, how did they get THAT girl to be in the video. She’s legit hot and she never even cracks a knowing smile. Clearly, she heard the song playing back while they we’re filming right? Or maybe she just thought someone was killing dolphins nearby? Perhaps she doesn’t speak english or something?
Secondly, I realize that making a decent looking video is pretty cheap nowadays. But other videos of this “so bad they’re good” nature That were made by people who are not in on their own joke, typically look like shit. stuff like these two classics.

Or

But this video looks decent. I mean, it’s not like Hype Williams directed it but it’s at least in focus and edited well.
Thirdly, when i think about the steps it takes to get a video made…it’s pretty impressive. This dude recorded this song. Someone made a beat for him. He did multiple takes (Maybe?), he got it mixed and maybe even mastered (unlikely). He then played it for someone else who was like “yeah, I’ll make a video for that”. They then casted the video , shot it, edited it and gave it to the world. All that happened for this to exist. It blows my mind. I suppose my question would be How? Why? What?

This video brings me back to something I’ve harped on before. I no longer have the ability to tell what is real and what is not. There was a time when satire or parody always tipped it’s hat just a little. Even the guys from Turquoise Jeep , which had a few people scratching their heads, let on just enough for you to know it was a joke.

But there is a new generation of videos that somehow fall between parody and just being the worst things ever made. Without question, they’re entertaining. I can’t lie. I watch all those videos repeatedly. But , part of the humor of them is how authentic they really are. If this dude is a normal guy who’s making fun of retarded people, then he’s kind of an asshole. But , if he’s actually like that and just a guy who made a song, then that makes us and the people who helped make this video/song (who clearly were aware of his “quirky” disposition) assholes for laughing at him. I remember back in the day, when Corky from the tv show “life goes on” released an album.

If you don’t know or remember, Chris Burke was an actor with downs syndrome. On “Life goes on” he played Corky and become both inspirational to many people with learning disabilities ,as well as the punch line to many jokes to assholes (myself included…I was in high school. it was par for the course). Anyway, his album of songs came out and , on paper, my dickhead friends and I expected it to be a laugh riot. However, when we finally heard it. It wasn’t funny. It was just…awkward and kinda depressing. Not cause he was such a terrible singer (he was, though) but cause we realized that making fun of this poor dude was really unfair. It was a real jolt of compassion that hadn’t been there prior to hearing his songs.
Seeing this video kinda gives me that same feeling. I feel bad for the dude (assuming he’s for real). He’s nowhere near Corky. In fact, he seems pretty normal when he’s not singing. By “Normal” i mean, he’s just your typical moron on youtube. That kinda person makes up like 93% of all people in first world countries. Sure, he’s ripe for mockery. So much so that it would be in bad taste to even bother. I just can’t shake the feeling of “how did this get made?”.
Now, I don’t wanna sound like the PC police here. If you’ve watched and laughed at this video, I get it. I definitely was pretty floored the first time I saw it. It’s insane. I see that. As much as this may seem like it, I’m really not trying to be captain buzzkill here. It’s just I truly want to know more. About this guy. About the process it took to make the video. Everything. So, this is where you, the reader, comes in and tells me what’s what. I’m sure some of you must know some background on this shit. Please…explain it to me. Like I’m a 3rd grader. Also, explain this , while your at it. I’m at a total loss.

Battle of the worst. There can only be one.

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This week, I got put on to three videos that made me both wanna cut my ears off, gouge my own eyes out and laugh the entire time I was doing that. Thing is, all three of these vids are extremely different. It’s a very “Apples to oranges” situation going on here. But, I’m curious what you guys think. First lemme run down the nominees and give some brief thoughts on each video.
1)”Get Swoll”- Big Con

This one is just…wow. I mean…holy shit. Even though you haven’t seen the other two vids yet, I can assure you, this one is easily the most entertaining video. Aside from the spectacle of a mountain sized man rapping kinda like how Professor X used to (except with way less politics and a whole shit load of roids) , there is so much going on here, it’s overwhelming. Just amazing. It’s a subtle look into the mind of extreme body builders. Men so hell bent on being huge they probably need a broomstick to wipe their asses. The clips of the old ladies at the gym and gangbangers on the corner being visably impressed by his swoll-ness are pretty much my favorite. That said, this dude is having a coming of age of sorts in this song. he’s realizing that being a huge bully isn’t what life is all about. He’s for the kids. Even the mexican ones who hassle his little Hanson looking homeboy.

2)”I feel I bring”- Aer

Remember LFO? That abecrombie and fitch song? Well, they’ve been re-imagined with a slight reggae edge and a longer surfboard. Actually, these dudes look more like the type to ride longboards. No water necessary, brah! Maybe it’s my east coast bias (and I have no clue where these dudes are from) but this is so southern Cali it makes me want to vomit. Like these guys wear open toed shoes 25 days a month and eat sandy fish tacos 2 times a day. Clearly, I’m not the target audience for this and should ignore it but, at the same time, sometimes you hear a song that just bothers you in it’s existence. This is one of those times. Kool Herc does no approve!
That said, a mash up video featuring Big Con meeting Aer would be the greatest video of all time.

(Edit: They are from Massachusetts. Everyone one of you should be ashamed of yourself for letting this happen.)

3)”Shark Week”- Hand Job Academy

Oh man. I was just thinking, you know what the world needs? A comedic female rap duo of brooklyn transplants that rap about their periods. MY WISHES HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.
Here’s the thing, I know they’re joking. This song is literally a joke song. As someone who’s done a whole album of joke raps, I get it. However, this shit is corny. That’s all there is to it. They made a song about their periods. I see why they’d do that and I get it…it’s just not particularly funny. I’m sure their friends love it and that’s cool but…no. That said, That’s not really my beef with it though. Parody rap is generally not funny. Trust me, I know. We all learn the hard way. My problem is that I’m sick of shitty white girls joke rapping. It’s the musical equivalent of when an old white woman in a movie with a hip hop theme would say some shit like “For shizzle my nizzle!” and everyone in the crowd laughs.
The second I hear someone put on their “rap voice” where they start pronouncing words with that over the top street edge and the rap hands start flying, it’s over for me. Joke or no joke. By doing it , you’re either making fun of rapping or you’re portraying your own weird stereotypes of how rap is supposed to be done. Either way, shit’s wack. I realize I’m over analyzing this and it’s really a harmless little song. I Just wish , for the sake of my ears, people would stop making shit like this. White girls, white guys…white people. White. All of them. just stop. Youtube hits only pay so much.

So, which is the worst? This is open to interpretation. It could mean literally the worst song/video or the song that annoyed you the most or the one with the least entertainment value. Basically, if you had to pick on of these three videos to play for your biggest enemy over and over again, which would it be?

New Song/Video by Marq Spekt and I!

This is a gully one. Featuring the Philly Lo-Lofe all stars, this joint is off the upcoming album by Marq Spekt and myself “Play with it”.
Simply put, this is just some philly street shit where Spekt and his boys go in. You might recognize The Buze Bruvas from a “Yay or Nay” I did a while back. Anyway, peep this shit…and get hyped.

Asap Rocky: Back and forth

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A while back, ASAP Rocky and Danny Brown did a little sit down convo for Noisey.com where they basically just shot the shit and discussed topics such as fucking Kathy Griffin, groupies off twitter and smoking weed. It was amazing.
Here are two of the 5 parts but I suggest you watch them all.

Anyway, Noisey must have know they hit on something cause they basically gave ASAP Rocky an interview show. The result is Rocky talking to the likes of Snoop Lion, Riff Raff and Kathy Griffin. ASAP is a curious interviewer in the sense that he seems to not know much about anything but he’s also personable enough to keep the conversations rolling. It’s an interesting mix to say the least.
Cause I’m on the road and can’t be writing anything of value, today’s entry is simply these vids. Some entertaining shit right here. Enter the wormhole…
Let’s start with a truly bizarre and somewhat uncomfortable talk with Kathy Griffin

Snoop Lion (God I hate having to type that name out)

And how could we forget Riff Raff. These two seem like old friends.

There are some more out there if you really feel like digging deeper. Time well spent!

New video for “Hangliding thru the city” By MarQ Spekt

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My boy MarQ Spekt and I got a finished album waiting for you guys called “Justplaywitit”. I did all the beats and he did all the raps. Not sure when it’ll drop but hopefully soon enough. It’s my third album with an MC this year and I’m really proud of it as, not only is is a great album but it sounds nothing like the other two albums I did (speaking of which, peep “Capture the sun” By Illogic and “Dour Candy” By Billy Woods!) .
Our boy Dallas Penn was nice enough to make a video of the song “Hangliding thru the city”. So here’s a first taste of what’s to come. Enjoy.
Cause Vimeo gives me issues on here, I can’t embed, so here’s a link to the video:
http://vimeo.com/74514374

Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 3

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I see a decent amount of movies. Because of this, I’m subjected to tons of previews of movies that look like complete shit. The other day, I saw “The act of killing” which is pretty much the heaviest movie I’ve ever seen. Straight up, as gut wrenching as it was fantastic. Tell me why they previews before that movie were three indie rom-coms? What the fuck is wrong with people.
But I digress, I’m a man of flash judgements that tend to be about 85% accurate. Because of this, I like to simply skip seeing the shitty movie and judging it entirely based on its trailer. That’s what this is…so, move over Leonard Maltin, I’m coming for your crown.

2 Guns

You know, Hollywood gets a lot of shit for pushing out shit loaf after shit loaf of the same old cookie cutter movie. Each genre has their version. The Rom-com, the Gross out comedy with the heart of gold, the horror movie with some scary child. Then along comes a movie like “2 Guns” to completely change the game. I mean, i can’t recall a time where a movie seemingly went so outside the box. This is a foreign film right ? Clearly, they just over dubbed it really well in the previews cause there is no way an american would have the balls to make such an original , genre blending masterpiece like this. Just kidding, clearly, this movie is what happens when you get two really famous people signed on to an idea before the script is even written. I feel like there are literally piles of scripts like this to the ceiling in every film producers office that are interchangeable. Probably titled shit like “action movie 48”. All they’re lacking is someone like Mark Wahlberg to be like “hmm…I wouldn’t mind owning an island somewhere…I’ll do it!”.
also, over/under on there being multiple slow motion action scenes in this movie? HIGH ODDS. Double or nothing there is a slow motion walk away from an explosion. I’d bet my first born on that one.

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The fact this preview doesn’t start with the sentence “Not since ‘Cacoon’ have so many elderly people saved the world…” is a travesty.
Take about a niche market. Action movies for old people. The equivalent genre in porn would be something like “Granny cosplay”.
As the son of someone who is technically elderly and someone who has been around old people a fair amount in my life (I had an old dad who had old friends) this movie getting a sequel boggles my mind. I didn’t see the first one…but who did? Apparently, enough people to make a second one. I feel like that happened on a different planet or something. At the very least, , I’d figure they’d all be turned off by the loud explosions. Old people hate sudden loud sounds. It’s pretty much the bane of their existence. But, more importantly, old people don’t fuck with action movies. Every old person I’ve ever met likes period pieces or boring documentaries about the invention of the cotton gin.

I wonder if old dudes who watch this email each other about it and send still of Helen Mirren looking all sexy and shit. That would make as much sense to me as this movie being made in the first place.
Just to be clear, I’m not opposed to the idea of this movie having an audience. I just don’t understand how it does.

Gravity

Remember that movie where Ryan Reynolds got buried alive? I think it was called “Buried alive”. Anyway, I didn’t see that shit. Not cause it looked bad (it was a dude sweating in a box for two hours, it certainly didn’t look good) but more cause that is my fucking nightmare. There is no pay off that would make me watching claustrophobia unfold worth it. This movie is like that but the opposite. The set up scene looks pretty cool but, after that, what the fuck are you watching? A bitch floating around in space for 2 hours. Sure, I got questions. I’m mildly curious to see how they handle that in a movie. Hell, I’ll probably even check in on it when it’s playing on cable in 6 months. But still, what could possibly happen? I’ll tell you. She floats around having a panic attack for over an hour then, miraculously gets saved by george clooney who then makes out with her once she is safe. THE END. I could be wrong about that but her getting hit by an astroid or running out of air and dying only to see her corpse float off into a black hole, while more realistic, wouldn’t exactly make for a great movie.

I’m in love with a church girl

The streets have been talking and Ja-rule was listening. They (the streets) said “Yo, Rule, when you gonna reprise one of your roles from those videos you used to do with Ashanti, but in the form of a feature length film?”. Did Little X direct this? Ja rule playing a fake thug is kinda like if Ryan Gosling plays a guy who gets a lot of pussy. It just sorta makes sense.
Also , this is one of those “Based on a true story” ass movies. Oh, I’m sure it is! Remember that one thug who met that one church girl and turned his life around? Yeah…that one. REAL TALK.
Also, STARRING STEPHEN BALDWIN
Tyler perry probably saw this script and was like “eh…I’m good. I’mma go make a movie about someone molesting a grandma instead…”