Things you should not still be doing past age 30

AUTHORS NOTE: This was written along time ago and has since been updated and reflected on here: https://phatfriend.com/2015/10/30/revisiting-rules-for-30-year-olds/ So, instead of reading this and getting you panties in a bunch about what some stranger said 8 years ago, read that…and perhaps still get your panties in a bunch but, also, feel free to blow it out your ass. Thank you and good day.

Initially, I was gonna make 25 the cutoff age but then I realized I’d be limiting myself. The fact is that 25 years old, while fully adults, are just not quite there yet (neither are 30 year olds either but they’re closer). This means, they still don’t really know shit yet and are prone to still do stupid things that , in reality, only teenagers should be doing. That said, I think if you’re over 25 and doing the things I list below, you’re kind of a dipshit but all hope is not lost. We all make mistakes. You got 5 years to the right the ship. You 30 year olds though? Inexcusable.
Let’s see…

1) Starting new drugs
I don’t mean your meds or things that will make your heart/dick/stomach work better. I’m talking about illegal substances. If you’re 30 plus and have never done coke, why start now? Most drugs are for children. Well, maybe not children but young people. People with nothing to lose and few responsibilities. People who don’t have a career or a family. That’s why, whenever I see some drug addled 22 year old, I don’t really worry about it. But when you see a 35 year old smack addict who’s been doing it since his late teens, it’s a forgone conclusion that that dude is a wrap.
If you’ve always done these drugs, it’s a different story. Granted, I think there is a wall for hard drug usage that most mindful adults should hit. But,if you’ve made it out your 20’s on these drugs, I suppose you’ve somewhat mastered your high (or you’re one of those functional junkies I’ve heard about). That said, 32 year old cokeheads are fucking idiots no matter when the started doing the drugs.
So, if you’re 30 plus , have avoided all that shit in life thus far , you’re doing fine and feel like you need to make your life more extreme, stop what you’re doing and go change you kids fucking diaper or fill out a tax form. You know, boring shit that adults have to do cause they’re adults. Trust me, the hangover for stuff like that is way more tolerable.

2)Getting is fist fights
When you’re young, you’re stupid. You have too much pride and too much energy. You also get too drunk so those three things tend to unite with your ego and form into an asshole version of voltron that results in random scraps with people. That’s fine. Fist fighting is pretty moronic in general cause 9/10 times it’s over some completely pointless thing. But it happens sometimes. Usually to the same people. Anyway, once you reach the ripe age of 30, it’s time to learn to just let things go. Sure, if some dude slapped your girl or did something personally or potentially harmful to you, by all means, beat his ass. But if some dude bumps you at a bar by accident and doesn’t apologize or a pointless conversation elevates into an argument, let it go. Health insurance is still expensive and I doubt you have it anyway. Not to mention, we live in a day and age where it seems like everyone knows some form of martial arts. The MMA craze will result in you getting your ass kicked by some little dude who happens to know brazilian Ju-jitsu.
The real question to the fighters is “what are you proving”? You might as well and go to the bathroom with the guy and measure each others dick cause it’s about the same thing and way less dangerous.

3)Facial/body piercing
You ever see a random old dude who decides to get his ear pierced? He’s like 60 and obviously just hit a wall in life. So he gets a blingy piece of shit in his ear that looks more like something your grandma might wear around her neck. Well, people who feel the need to get weird piercings (anywhere not on the ear) past the age of 30 are no different. While some could say the same for tattoo’s , there’s a difference. Tattoo’s can be cool and actually mean something, where as facial/body piercing has pretty much always been stupid. Also Tattoo’s are actually art. Piercing is just a piece of metal pushed through your skin. By that logic, everyone who’s ever been stabbed to death was simply a beautiful canvas for a murderer/artist.
I’ve played at my fair share of music festivals and this is where this is most common. i’ll see a 40 year old dude with a fresh cheek pierce , earlobes stretched wide enough to make love to and barbells in his nipples.
This kind of self expression is the body modification equivalent to a teenaged girls high school poetry. It’s all heart , no thought and always shitty. I’m not mad at people who get this shit done, I just quietly judge them as the adult children that they are.
Now, if you’ve got pre-existing pierces, that’s different. While, I’d personally say take them out, at this point you’ve probably had them for a decade and they’re a part of you. So, you know, do you. Well, except those huge , stretched out earlobes. They make me wanna barf and look terrible. Please take those out.

4)Going to clubs on the regular
I’m not saying you shouldn’t party after 30. Not at all. Partying after 30 is fun. It’s just , as you get older, the settings of social gatherings change. When you’re 18-23ish , you go to clubs (i guess, I always hated those shit holes but it seems to be still be a thing people do). At that age, it’s exciting and new. Eventually, the clubbing dies down and it turns into bars or mellow house parties. I’d say hitting bars is something you can do forever. Though, as everyone you know gets married and has kids, that slowly transforms into shit like dinner parties, couples nights and the horrific “Game night”. But I digress…
Clubs are for people who care way too much about pointless things. Things like being seen or social status They’re crowded, expensive and full of shitty people and shittier music. On the upside , clubs are where you go to meet a random person to sleep with, without having to do all that “talking” bullshit you might have to if you were in a bar. It’s a great source of one night stands or perhaps laying eyes on a celebrity from 50 feet away…or hell, fucking that celebrity if you’re attractive enough. I refuse to believe anyone ever has actual fun at clubs unless they’re gay dudes dancing all night in chelsea. From the looks of them when they’re walking home at 5 am, those motherfuckers have an amazing time, everytime.
When you hit 30, not only should you not go to those types of places, you should not WANT to go. It’s just straight up unappealing. Not to mention, the famous old “You don’t wanna be the old guy at the club” joke , that will always hold true.

5)Taking leisurely sports super seriously
It’s truly a spectacle to see a 45 year old man scream to the point of a near stroke over a foul call in pick up basketball. I know some people are hyper competitive and that never goes away. But I’m more talking about the rage. Rage has it’s time and place…and it’s not during a game of beer league softball. Relax, dude. No one here is getting paid and there is no glory to be had. Just use this as a fun way to exercise so you can eat some unhealthy shit later that day. That’s all we really have when we’re not professional athletes. The hope that we can not get really fat but still eat food that tastes good by exercising in a fun way. Winning is cool and all but really, I’d rather just get to eat the unhealthy food.

6)Blind musical idealism
It saddens me when I meet a dude well into his 30’s that’s complaining about commercial hip hop or whatever. That’s not his fight to fight. Really, it’s no one’s fight to fight but he should be old enough to see that. We all value music and want it to keep its ideals (that we have created for it). Unfortunately,music is just gonna keep changing while we get older and more removed from it. The same way some old rap guys are looking at someone like Tyler the Creator in disgust, is how your parents parents were looking at the Beatles once they grew their hair long. Not comparing the two, I’m just saying, as people over 20, It’s not our game to officiate. We’re entitled to dislike all of it though. It’s just the complaining part that’s a waste of time.

7)Dressing like an 18 year old
Nothing wrong with being a fashionable 30 plus. As someone who’s basically dressed the same since I was 12 (albeit with varying sizes of jeans and types of t-shirts), I’m really in no position to scold a 30 year old for how they dress. I’m more talking about these youthful fashion trends that pop up. Like when REALLY Skinny jeans were the look. They were basically denim spandex. To see grown, out of shape 30 somethings clinging to their youth by wearing those things, was heart breaking (not really, but it made me think they were dickheads).
There are some styles that will pop up that are strictly for the young. Much like music, it’s not our 30-plus year old job to contend or stay relevant in that type of realm. All we can do is dress how we see appropriate for someone who is no longer doing tons of drugs, going clubbing, getting into fights and arguing the tenants of true lyricism.

I think what this all comes down to is , as you get older, you realize how little most things matter. Things that really used to rile you up now bring about a feeling of utter indifference. That’s a big part of getting old. Some would say that a person losing their fire and inspiration but I see it more as just settling down. Becoming grounded and more logical in your actions.
As those trite things fade to the background, the few things that do matter actually become your main focus. Making a living. Your family. Your friends. You’re own mental stability. Everything else is just some kiddie shit. Except blogging, of course. That’s some grown man shit right there.

Grown ass man (not to be confused with grown ass-man)


I was recently looking through all my old blog files for something to post and I came across this post. It was something I wrote about 3.5 years ago when I turned 30. I thought it would be interesting to re-post it with added insights from the present time.

Here goes:
Well, I’m 30. So, I officially know shit you 20’s motherfuckers will never understand. Ha!
But seriously, I’m looking back on all the shit I’ve learned over the years. I’m a college drop out. I’ve never taken well to teachers or lessons or instructions but life tends to teach you as you go…So here are some things I’ve been enlightened with…

1) Respect your elders BUT never forget that a person who was a stupid asshole when they were 25 is most likely still a stupid asshole when they’re 55. I used to assume older people had wisdom and perspective just cause they were older. Then, as i got older, I found myself talking to older people and thinking “What the fuck is this idiot talking about…”. That never goes away. If a person is a wishy-washy douche at 25, that same person will be a wishy-washy douche in 20 years but with a little more know how.

3.5 year later I think…
This still holds true. However, one thing I think that should be addressed is the basic respecting of your elders. You may not have to respect them intellectually, but be polite. Don’t roll your eyes like an asshole and be dismissive when dealing with people who are 10 plus years your senior. I mostly say this cause I’ve noticed a drastic change in that over the last 15 years. A decent example of this would be playing basketball at the park. When i was 15-19, and going to the park, I respected the adults. They played in their own game and I kept my distance cause I felt it wasn’t my place to intrude. Nowadays, you have brash little 13 year old cocksuckers feeling entitled to play where ever the fuck they please. There’s no code of conduct. This line of thinking obviously spans way outside of just pick up basketball games. The moral? Wait you fucking turn, young’un…cause it’ll come eventually.

2) Getting caught up in things out of your control is a waste of time. Do I want us to be in an unjust war? Of course not. Can I change anything? Of course not. My idealism flew out the window with age. The second I left college it was like “Oh wait, the real world doesn’t give a fuck…” Sad but true. Saving the world is so far out of our hands it’s funny. i’m all for people wanting to help. It’s admirable. Hybrid cars. Recycling. Protests. Do you. Your heart is in the right place, but me? Fuck that shit…It’s funny to talk to an 18 year old who’s ready to grab the world by the nuts. They’re brimming with opinions and ideas. 6 years later…that motherfucker has a job they hate where the have no opinions or ideas that matter beyond a boardroom or cubicle. shit is real. worry about saving your own life before you can save the world.

3.5 years later…
I’ve covered this topic numerous times on this blog and , while i pretty much feel the same overall, I think I’ve softened my views on certain aspects. I don’t think I can honestly say “fuck hybrid cars and recycling”. As much as I still feel that one person cannot make a difference, those are two things that need to be done in this day and time. I still think protests are a huge hippie bullshit pile but I also recognize that , with some of these things, something has to be done on some level.

3) Trust you instincts. I not particularly fond of falafel or the band “The Roots”. I often put them in the same group because my distaste for them came about in the same way. For years, I ate falafel and listened to The Roots. Pretty much everyone I know liked both those things. I trusted their opinions and didn’t see how all these people I respect could be wrong. Then one day it hit me: falafel taste like grapenuts and chalk sauce (Hence the song title, for those in the know) and The Roots , while obviously very talented, are boring. From the jump i was hesitant about both things but it just became clear one day out of nowhere. Since then I’ve never eaten a falafel or bought a roots album. I feel i’m a better man because of it. When you’re in your late teens/early 20’s, you tend to think you’ve got it down. But i’m coming to the realization that you never REALLY know what the fuck you think you know cause every five years you look back like “wow, i was stupid.” I’m sure when I’m 35, I’ll be kicking myself for shit I do this year…so all we got is our instincts. use them.

3.5 years later…
This one, I pretty much have no budged on. The only difference is that, as I get older, I seem to care less about things. Nothing riles me up like it used to. As much as I think Ke$ha is a talentless piece of shit, I don’t REALLY give a shit. 12 years ago I would lose my mind over something as harmless as a club anthem by Mase. Nowadays, If that was on the radio, it would be far and away the best song out. BUt, I still don’t eat falafel or listen to The Roots. Which is weird cause I think Black Thought is undeniably a great mc one very level. Maybe I should revisit them? Eh…Then again, like I said, I simply don’t really care either way. For me, Age has brought on such a level of indifference on most things, I’d say my emotional range is somewhere between “mildly amused” and “uninterested” at all times. Ironic considering the majority of this blog is a vitriol fueled rant-a-thon. Go figure, yo!

Aside from those things, I’ve also learned that:
1)Girls truly like assholes. nice guys get the dick hard…

3.5 years later…
Duh…of course. But this changes the older they get. By the time most girls hot 30, they’re (hopefully) over that stage. Or their married. Liking dickheads is a young girls sport.

2)smoking weed all the time makes people stupid and boring
3.5 years later…
Definitely still feel this way. Really, doing any drug a lot (including pills) is a pretty bad look for any adult.

3)it’s ok for college kids to wear those kinda baggy jeans with the insanely tattered bottoms (it almost looks like the bottom of the legs are tassels made of denim). that’s the only time it’s cool and acceptable. in fact, those guys will get laid.
3.5 years later…
I’m fairly certain i had seen a kid with frayed jeans with a super hot girl on the street that day and didn’t think it warranted a full on blog. I don’t even know if this genre of person still exists but I imagine, somewhere, they do get pussy.

4)Fake lesbians are corny
3.5 years later…
Big time. Equally corny are straight guys who play up a sensitive, bordering on gay, vibe to meet girls. Wildly against the life code.

5)Being tolerant is overrated.
3.5 years later…
This is really on a subject to subject basis. Obviously, it’s not black and white. But i do basically agree that the word “tolerance” has become a P.C. way of just accepting a lot of bullshit about people.

6)we all die.
3.5 years later…
Obviously, I know now that we never truly die. We just become stars in the sky. Word to your man, MOBY.

Ahh….other then that, I’m just as dumb as i was when i was 14.
3.5 years later…
Eh..i’m more about 18 at this point. I’ve grown.