AUTHORS NOTE: This was written along time ago and has since been updated and reflected on here: https://phatfriend.com/2015/10/30/revisiting-rules-for-30-year-olds/ So, instead of reading this and getting you panties in a bunch about what some stranger said 8 years ago, read that…and perhaps still get your panties in a bunch but, also, feel free to blow it out your ass. Thank you and good day.
Initially, I was gonna make 25 the cutoff age but then I realized I’d be limiting myself. The fact is that 25 years old, while fully adults, are just not quite there yet (neither are 30 year olds either but they’re closer). This means, they still don’t really know shit yet and are prone to still do stupid things that , in reality, only teenagers should be doing. That said, I think if you’re over 25 and doing the things I list below, you’re kind of a dipshit but all hope is not lost. We all make mistakes. You got 5 years to the right the ship. You 30 year olds though? Inexcusable.
Let’s see…
1) Starting new drugs
I don’t mean your meds or things that will make your heart/dick/stomach work better. I’m talking about illegal substances. If you’re 30 plus and have never done coke, why start now? Most drugs are for children. Well, maybe not children but young people. People with nothing to lose and few responsibilities. People who don’t have a career or a family. That’s why, whenever I see some drug addled 22 year old, I don’t really worry about it. But when you see a 35 year old smack addict who’s been doing it since his late teens, it’s a forgone conclusion that that dude is a wrap.
If you’ve always done these drugs, it’s a different story. Granted, I think there is a wall for hard drug usage that most mindful adults should hit. But,if you’ve made it out your 20’s on these drugs, I suppose you’ve somewhat mastered your high (or you’re one of those functional junkies I’ve heard about). That said, 32 year old cokeheads are fucking idiots no matter when the started doing the drugs.
So, if you’re 30 plus , have avoided all that shit in life thus far , you’re doing fine and feel like you need to make your life more extreme, stop what you’re doing and go change you kids fucking diaper or fill out a tax form. You know, boring shit that adults have to do cause they’re adults. Trust me, the hangover for stuff like that is way more tolerable.
2)Getting is fist fights
When you’re young, you’re stupid. You have too much pride and too much energy. You also get too drunk so those three things tend to unite with your ego and form into an asshole version of voltron that results in random scraps with people. That’s fine. Fist fighting is pretty moronic in general cause 9/10 times it’s over some completely pointless thing. But it happens sometimes. Usually to the same people. Anyway, once you reach the ripe age of 30, it’s time to learn to just let things go. Sure, if some dude slapped your girl or did something personally or potentially harmful to you, by all means, beat his ass. But if some dude bumps you at a bar by accident and doesn’t apologize or a pointless conversation elevates into an argument, let it go. Health insurance is still expensive and I doubt you have it anyway. Not to mention, we live in a day and age where it seems like everyone knows some form of martial arts. The MMA craze will result in you getting your ass kicked by some little dude who happens to know brazilian Ju-jitsu.
The real question to the fighters is “what are you proving”? You might as well and go to the bathroom with the guy and measure each others dick cause it’s about the same thing and way less dangerous.
3)Facial/body piercing
You ever see a random old dude who decides to get his ear pierced? He’s like 60 and obviously just hit a wall in life. So he gets a blingy piece of shit in his ear that looks more like something your grandma might wear around her neck. Well, people who feel the need to get weird piercings (anywhere not on the ear) past the age of 30 are no different. While some could say the same for tattoo’s , there’s a difference. Tattoo’s can be cool and actually mean something, where as facial/body piercing has pretty much always been stupid. Also Tattoo’s are actually art. Piercing is just a piece of metal pushed through your skin. By that logic, everyone who’s ever been stabbed to death was simply a beautiful canvas for a murderer/artist.
I’ve played at my fair share of music festivals and this is where this is most common. i’ll see a 40 year old dude with a fresh cheek pierce , earlobes stretched wide enough to make love to and barbells in his nipples.
This kind of self expression is the body modification equivalent to a teenaged girls high school poetry. It’s all heart , no thought and always shitty. I’m not mad at people who get this shit done, I just quietly judge them as the adult children that they are.
Now, if you’ve got pre-existing pierces, that’s different. While, I’d personally say take them out, at this point you’ve probably had them for a decade and they’re a part of you. So, you know, do you. Well, except those huge , stretched out earlobes. They make me wanna barf and look terrible. Please take those out.
4)Going to clubs on the regular
I’m not saying you shouldn’t party after 30. Not at all. Partying after 30 is fun. It’s just , as you get older, the settings of social gatherings change. When you’re 18-23ish , you go to clubs (i guess, I always hated those shit holes but it seems to be still be a thing people do). At that age, it’s exciting and new. Eventually, the clubbing dies down and it turns into bars or mellow house parties. I’d say hitting bars is something you can do forever. Though, as everyone you know gets married and has kids, that slowly transforms into shit like dinner parties, couples nights and the horrific “Game night”. But I digress…
Clubs are for people who care way too much about pointless things. Things like being seen or social status They’re crowded, expensive and full of shitty people and shittier music. On the upside , clubs are where you go to meet a random person to sleep with, without having to do all that “talking” bullshit you might have to if you were in a bar. It’s a great source of one night stands or perhaps laying eyes on a celebrity from 50 feet away…or hell, fucking that celebrity if you’re attractive enough. I refuse to believe anyone ever has actual fun at clubs unless they’re gay dudes dancing all night in chelsea. From the looks of them when they’re walking home at 5 am, those motherfuckers have an amazing time, everytime.
When you hit 30, not only should you not go to those types of places, you should not WANT to go. It’s just straight up unappealing. Not to mention, the famous old “You don’t wanna be the old guy at the club” joke , that will always hold true.
5)Taking leisurely sports super seriously
It’s truly a spectacle to see a 45 year old man scream to the point of a near stroke over a foul call in pick up basketball. I know some people are hyper competitive and that never goes away. But I’m more talking about the rage. Rage has it’s time and place…and it’s not during a game of beer league softball. Relax, dude. No one here is getting paid and there is no glory to be had. Just use this as a fun way to exercise so you can eat some unhealthy shit later that day. That’s all we really have when we’re not professional athletes. The hope that we can not get really fat but still eat food that tastes good by exercising in a fun way. Winning is cool and all but really, I’d rather just get to eat the unhealthy food.
6)Blind musical idealism
It saddens me when I meet a dude well into his 30’s that’s complaining about commercial hip hop or whatever. That’s not his fight to fight. Really, it’s no one’s fight to fight but he should be old enough to see that. We all value music and want it to keep its ideals (that we have created for it). Unfortunately,music is just gonna keep changing while we get older and more removed from it. The same way some old rap guys are looking at someone like Tyler the Creator in disgust, is how your parents parents were looking at the Beatles once they grew their hair long. Not comparing the two, I’m just saying, as people over 20, It’s not our game to officiate. We’re entitled to dislike all of it though. It’s just the complaining part that’s a waste of time.
7)Dressing like an 18 year old
Nothing wrong with being a fashionable 30 plus. As someone who’s basically dressed the same since I was 12 (albeit with varying sizes of jeans and types of t-shirts), I’m really in no position to scold a 30 year old for how they dress. I’m more talking about these youthful fashion trends that pop up. Like when REALLY Skinny jeans were the look. They were basically denim spandex. To see grown, out of shape 30 somethings clinging to their youth by wearing those things, was heart breaking (not really, but it made me think they were dickheads).
There are some styles that will pop up that are strictly for the young. Much like music, it’s not our 30-plus year old job to contend or stay relevant in that type of realm. All we can do is dress how we see appropriate for someone who is no longer doing tons of drugs, going clubbing, getting into fights and arguing the tenants of true lyricism.
I think what this all comes down to is , as you get older, you realize how little most things matter. Things that really used to rile you up now bring about a feeling of utter indifference. That’s a big part of getting old. Some would say that a person losing their fire and inspiration but I see it more as just settling down. Becoming grounded and more logical in your actions.
As those trite things fade to the background, the few things that do matter actually become your main focus. Making a living. Your family. Your friends. You’re own mental stability. Everything else is just some kiddie shit. Except blogging, of course. That’s some grown man shit right there.
