Fuckin’ actors

There’s this commercial I used to see all the time for verizon. It’s the one with an old british man portraying “Sir Charge”. Everytime I see it, for some reason, it spawns this weird fury in my gut…

For a while, I didn’t get it. Why was this harmless commercial angering me so much? Then it hit me. The actor in it is a complete dickface and his existence annoys me. There’s nothing worse then an actory actor.

For every great actor (there are a few), there are at least one million other drama club douche’s who are sooooo fucking involved in their shtick that they don’t even realize what clowns they actually are. It makes me think of the path one takes to get where they are.

Like, for instance, “Sir Charge”. He’s about 65 years old, he obviously fancies himself a serious actor. I mean, shit, he dove dick first into his portrayal of the obnoxious and smarmy role of “Sir Charge”. I can only imagine how he’d act if it fucking mattered even the tiniest mosquito cock amount. But the question is, “How did he end up there?” And, “Why him?” Unfortunately, I don’t have these answers but, at the same time, fuck that guy and his whole life. I’ve always imagined he was some sort of acting coach in real life and he shows his students that commercial.

I think the problem with actors (and really all people involved in the arts) is that they take themselves waaaaaay too seriously. Of all the arts, acting is one anyone can do decently. That’s why rappers and musicians can act, that’s why athletes can act. Cause it’s fucking easy. Getting on a high horse about “being an actor” is some seriously bitch ass shit. As an actor, your job is to pretend…that’s what kids do in kindergarten. With all this said, there are many great actors who I respect immensely. However, it’s the other 99% of them that can blow me…

When I was 21 I took an acting class. I had dropped out of college, had no real skills and my rapping career wasn’t exactly taking off. Not to mention, I was on a public access show for three years where we just fucked around and improvised skits about dick jokes. It seemed easy enough so, I figured “hmm..I’m kinda funny…maybe I should be an actor.” I went to the class and it’s straight up acting 101. The teacher was a fat gay dude who was arguably between 55 and 70 years old. He was long winded, condescending and just an overall loser. Think a slightly toned down Jon Lovitz character. I’m sure he killed shit off broadway when he was younger but I’d be willing to bet the height of his career may have been doing extra work in a Model-T Ford commercial when TV’s first came out.

Anyway, our first assignment was to do something completely normal, like dry dishes or fold laundry. The teacher was like, “Go home and practice and show me what you’ve created next week.” Needless to say, I didn’t even think about it till I was walking into the class the next week. I did some bullshit where I made a sandwich but the mayo had turned. Apparently this was some advanced shit cause the teacher thought it was great. I figured I was on easy street from there on out cause, well, a retarded lungfish could do what I did. The weeks passed and the assignments got slightly more detailed, I kept not practicing and getting rave reviews.
That was until about the 4th week where we were to have a phone conversation, our first spoken moment. It was enough to ALMOST make me think of practicing. The day came and I watched all the other fucking idiots in my class fumble around and get decent feedback. They had obviously practiced in front of a mirror. I went up and picked up the phone “Hello?” and proceeded to have a nonsensical conversation about “the plans for the evening.” I finished and felt as if I had done well enough (kinda my game plan in all the schooling I’ve ever had). I guess I had really sucked cause my 75 year old queen of a teacher ripped me a new asshole. Words like “buffoon” and “dilly dally” were thrown around. I recall him asking “Did you even practice that at all?” To which I said something to the effect of “Are you serious?” By the time he was done, his face was red and I was just kinda nodding until he stopped talking. Needless to say, I never went back.

There was a moment where I was actually somewhat shamed by that experience cause he went off on me in a way I’d expect someone might if they had found out I had an underaged prostitution ring running out of their basement. It was harsh…but, on the walk home, I remembered “Oh yeah, that dipshit teaches acting…fuck that guy.”

And I felt much better.