Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 55

The_Doctor_Is_In
Ohhh yeahhh…it’s about that time again. The Doctor is innnnnn.
I’m not a licensed anything but I do give you honest and fair advice from a perspective you can’t find anywhere else: A stranger who doesn’t give a shit about coddling your feelings. Some call it, keeping it 100. in my day, it was just called keeping it real.
Also, I ALWAYS NEED MORE QUESTIONS. if you’re having trouble in your love life, life in general or what ever, don’t be shy. Ask me for help and I will do my best to deliver. It’s anonymous and , hey, what’s the worst thing that could happen? It’s not like your dumb friends are gonna give you better advice.
send me all questions or the heart to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. I’m here to help…as well as create content for this very blog. it’s a win-win, brah.

Block, I need your advice and I need your input. Before I get into it…I want to say that I’m a pretty emotionless guy, I don’t let things bother me and I’m very easy going. ( she has said before that I need to show more emotion)

Okay here it goes…

I was dating a girl for 1.5 years I’m 29 she’s 22. I broke it off in March. The first 7-8 months were great. I bought a house 5 months into the relationship and decided to tackle the house myself and redo it myself. She lived with her mom. Anyways, I’m slow at redoing everything( hardwood floors, kitchen, bathroom Etc) so we would get into little fights We would constantly fight about little shit.

I would get so frustrated with our fights I would feel like I was just spinning my wheels in the mud. I could feel my blood pressure going up. (I think about it now I would try to piss her off at times which was stupid) She had a hard time at home. Her brother didn’t do shit and doesn’t have a job and lives off her mom. She would fight with her brother all the time. She would take her frustration out on me. It got to the point where I just couldn’t handle it. So I broke it off, I broke it off because when it got down to it it just became to much for me.

Couple days went by and I was relieved until I realized I made a huge mistake by leaving her when she needed me the most. so i made the effort to get her back. I got her back…things were the same…little fights here and there. We dated for about a month or two longer. Then she broke down and decided that she needed a break. She couldn’t handle all the things going on in her life at the movement. Always fighting with her brother, her horse got cancer, she was going to school full time and working full time. Anyways…I said okay let’s take a break then.

I was okay, we hung out 2 times since then…I saw her horse with her…and I went to her sisters college grad to take photos for her. She told me about two weeks after the break that she wants to be happy and that she wants to date. I didn’t really think of anything and of course I was saying of course I want you to be happy.

I decided to jump on tinder for the rush of meeting someone new I was honestly not hurt at the 2nd time she broke it off I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. So I hooked up with 2 girls. (Bad idea) Then it hit me…I realized I made a huge mistake by letting her go. It started last week…when she said still wants me as a friend and she still loves me…but she is starting to become official with a new guy. But she tells me she still wants me as a friend. So I said lets hang out Friday 5/13/16 and I can check out her new apartment(they bought a new apt last week) with her sister and give her sister the graduation photos.

I show up Friday with flowers and I made a short video of our go pro footage from our trips while we were together. She loved it, I made her a wood sign that said her cats name with a cut out of a cat. Anyways, being with her Friday made me really miss everything. Laying on her bed together watching tv I tried to massage her back but she said I can’t do that and that ship said a long time ago. So I said okay.

I asked her sister what was going on she told me

‘To me…personally, I think she rushed it with this guy, he gives me bad vibes and she filled a broken heart with an easy fix. Who knows if she will be with him for a week or a year but that’s something she will have to figure out for herself. If you love her I wouldn’t let her go, but I also wouldn’t just keep trying. The best thing for both of you is to keep living your life: meaning date other people, hang out with friends, etc. but at the end of the day you two are still friends. It’s a good thing that you guys can remain friends and possibly become something again one day.’

I can’t tell you how much this hurts block…this weekend has been absolute hell…I can’t eat or sleep. It’s 5:30 am as I am writing this. I’ve been trying to stay busy this weekend but I break down. I’m a mess and completely broken. I’ve broke down and texted her and called her but she says that she is over it and that she has moved on but she still loves me. She loves me but she has moved on. She said she’s always there for me and wants to still be friends.

What do I do block? Do I continue to be her friend and fight the constant pain of her being with another guy? While hoping by being her friend and being there for her the future we might get back together?

Or do I just cut ties with her and delete her from my life and try to recover with her out of it. If I do this I feel like I’m giving up and not being there for her.

I haven’t been eating and I can’t sleep. Any advice and info would be much appreciate. I thank you for taking the time out of your day as well to help me.

Well, first off, this letter could have been two paragraphs long. Just saying. Secondly, this is a break up. This shit happens. Because you’re not the one pulling the strings it’s hurting you more at the moment. It sounds to me like you got a case of the old “The grass is greener” , once you were single. You missed her cause you cared about her but , perhaps, you also missed the idea of her more than the reality. That’s so common in these situations. Especially when the other person moves on. And when that other person moves on and you’re still in the same place, it’s even harder.
What you’re going through is a mixture or genuine sadness and ego. It’s the worst but , trust me, it will pass. However, in order for you to do that, you can’t “be friends” with her. Not now. Perhaps down the line but you clearly can’t handle that shit right now. Dude, You’re out here trying to give backrubs. Would you do that to your male buddy? NOPE. The balance is all off kilter between you two, she’s seemingly moved on and you’re still pining for her. it’s not gonna work. I’m not a believer in people deleting each other from their lives like it’s some sort of hissy fit but backing away is 100% needed here. Don’t call her. If she hits you up, be curt. She says she wants to be friends with you but , even if she really does, I can’t help but think she’s saying that to be nice and soften the blow. If she’s with a new guy, her problems are now his. He’s inherited those from you so, in a way, you can bask in that release.
Also, much like how she did to you, perhaps if you backed away and no longer was there for her whenever she needed you, she might start missing you or remembering what you bought to the table. Or not. You never know. The fact is YOU have no control over how or what she feels. I should also add that she’s 22. She’s young as fuck and putting all your eggs in that basket as you near 30 seems doomed regardless.
The thing about getting dumped is that it’s not your choice. All you can do is deal with it the best you can. It’s gonna hurt. But that shit fades. And all you’re feeling is emotional pain. It’s not like you had a kid together or lived together. on the break up scale, what you went through is pretty minor. So, be sad but keep it moving. You’re allowing yourself to be haunted by a ghost and there’s no point in that.

Here’s the situation:
Facts
– 30 year old boy, 34 year old girl. Met on Tinder.
– Girl LTR minded.
– Epic first date.. Hike, drinks, dinner, crafts,sex. Followed by a whole weekend of hanging out.
– Followed by another week of awesome dates.
– Followed by a discussion in which Boy says he’s super into the girl but now he’s confused, bc he wasn’t LTR minded and was just about to embark on a slut phase and now she’s thrown that off.

Question: what’s best for girl to do?
Her instinct is to say.. Go slut it up and call me when you’re done. Boy suggested they carry on hanging out but not be exclusive. Is it better for her to stay around so she’s present in his mind?
Or to save her sanity, bail, and see if he comes back around when he realizes everyone else sucks.
P.S. He’s also terrible in bed and has a tiny penis

Now THIS is how you write a question. So succinct. Thank you for this.

This is 100% a bail situation. If a girl is in a LTR mindset, she can be fooled to put up with a lot of things, with the faint hopes of MAYBE things working out. The fact this dude is openly telling her “I’m not ready for that but can we still fuck?” is exactly what she doesn’t want.
Listen, a good date and week with a person is one thing. I realize some people rarely have good dates but , i dunno…it’s not that hard to get along with someone for a few days. LTR minded people tend to read that as kismet and then they focus on that “connection” like it’s sent from heaven. When, really, this guy was probably just on point for a week, acting like “early dating good guy” and the girl bought it. If he’s really bout that slut life, he’s on tinder, starting to collect a rotation of women. That’s how that works. You get on tinder, go on dates, be charming and fun , then have sex. The problem there is that, unless the girl is on the same page, it can be confusing as fuck. Now,i give the guy credit cause he’s not lying to her. His straight up-ness makes me believe that he’s not a fuck boy about this kinda thing. He’s basically giving her the options: We can part amicably cause we’re not on the same page OR we can keep fucking. In the girls head, “we can keep fucking” is a glimmer of hope but…it’s not. She’s just gonna be a girl on his roster hoping the other shoe drops and he’s just gonna be having his cake and eating it too. And if she’s the type who get’s jealous or possessive of men, she’s just asking to be driven crazy by the entire set up.
So, yeah…bail. If he had a dick she liked and the sex was good, I’d at least understand that it might keep her around a bit but if the sex and dick are trash? what is the point of having a purely sexual relationship? One that she doesn’t even want! Bail. BAIILLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

My boyfriend keeps making comments about my weight and it is beginning to bother me..

I am a 28 year old woman and have a slender figure. I have a little junk in the trunk and not much happening in front… basically, I have room for improvement if I want to gain weight. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 years and we have been living together for almost 2. Everything has been going well and I can’t complain. But lately he’s been saying I could use a little more weight and he would be more attracted to me if I gained some. My response to this has been “oh sure I’ll do that” because I honestly do want to put on a few more pounds, but it’ll be a long process and I can’t help but be bothered by him saying me gaining weight will make me more attractive to him. I’ve basically looked the same since we first started dating, so I’m not sure why he suddenly wants my body to look a certain way. I am actually very sensitive about my weight and have a fear of being too thin, but no one (besides my grandma) has ever commented on my weight like that. It is starting to get to me and it is actually kind of hard for me to gain weight which I am trying to do. I haven’t exactly given him pushback because it’s not like he says these things every day, but comments like “ohhhh there’s something happening back there, it’s getting there, I’m starting to get more attracted to you” are getting under my skin. Am I putting too much thought into this or do I have a reason to feel upset?

This is a two sided thing. Yes, you 100% have a reason to be upset. Anytime someone is picking at your physical appearance, it’s rude. The fact he wants you to gain weight is an interesting wrinkle in this cause…usually, it’s the other way around. I wish i had your problem! But, yeah, being told to look differently by the person you’re dating, even though you’ve looked the same the whole time can definitely be a mind fuck. Have you ever tried speaking honestly about it with him? Be like “You know gaining weight isn’t easy for me, right?”. Just opening that convo in a simple manner would at least make him reconsider bringing it up in the future.
The other side to this is that you guys have been together for 4 years and lived together for 2. It’s only natural that you guys start to nitpick about shit cause, well, that’s a long time and it’s easy to get in a relationship rut when you’ve lived with someone for a few years. Longterm relationships aren’t easy or natural. It’s work. He might be totally happy in the relationship but maybe the “desire” is beginning to wane? It’s possible. It happens. Maybe he thinks more weight could turn that around? It’s hard to say. It’s also not fair to you. But, like i said, these things happen in long relationships. And they either get worse or they get a second wind.
So, really, there’s not much you can do outside of address the problem head on. otherwise, it’s just gonna eat at you and annoy you more and more every time he brings it up, building resentment and fucking with your insecurity. Hell, you could sit around eating cheesecake all day, gain 60 pounds and then he’s probably be kicking himself. Or you could be like “I hear you boo but i wish you’re dick was bigger…” or something to that effect. That’s the passive aggressive angle that no one likes but, hey, it does serve it’s purpose. All that said, I’d go with option A. you’re adults and you care about each other. Talk it out.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 54

Malachi-Love-Fake-Doctor-Florida
Hello everyone. I’m not a doctor but I play one on the internet. I’m here to help you with the problems in your life. Love, family, jobs, friends…all that shit. Why me? Umm…I don’t really know. I’m pretty honest and level headed so , what’s the worst thing that could happen? Bad advice. I’m still better than your stupid friends. So, if you have any problems that need tending to, please write me! Let’s try and figure things out. Send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below.

So I’m just curious to hear your thoughts on why men lead women on after break ups. I was fuck buddies with my ex for about 6 months before we became boyfriend and girlfriend. We were “official” for about 7 months he’s 29 and I’m 25. We broke up after I found out that he was cheating on me. We have been broken up for about four months now and have been hooking up. What I don’t get is why he keeps leading me on, other than me letting him of course. He tells me things like not to see other people. I’ve asked him once if he thought that we would ever get back together and his response was “I can’t tell you that because I don’t know what the future holds” Admittedly I know I’m a dumb ass girl for even bothering with this guy. Known fact. Cover your ears! But I’m in love with him. To me it almost seems like he wants to have fun, fuck other chicks and save me for later. It’s always been a really sexual relationship. Could the pussy be having him say shit like don’t see other people? Or is it an ego thing? Does this guy give a fuck at all? He did real up with me. So why is it so difficult for him to tell me he doesn’t want me? ….This is hilarious. I’m cracking up just typing this bullshit. Go easy on me Block!

Well…yes, you’re being stupid. But, at the same time, it’s not totally your fault. You know exactly whats going on but you keep reading into his mixed messages. Your love of him is blinding you to the reality of the situation. Does he care about you? Probably a little. Does he like having sex with you? Definitely. Does he wanna be with you for real at any point? I doubt it.
Here’s why men keep girls around after breaks ups
1)Sex
It’s comfortable, it’s familiar and…it’s sex. Unless a guy truly doesn’t like having sex with a girl, why would he stop if it’s there for the taking? The only think that would stop him are getting involved with someone he ACTUALLY likes or losing interest on his own. From the sound of it, you can’t stop yourself from sleeping with him and he wants to keep you on the roster. It’s fucked up but those two things play into each other perfectly.
2)control
This is the fucked up part. He doesn’t want to date you seriously but he wants you to be his and only his. It’s entirely an ego thing and he might not even be doing in consciously. He wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants freedom to fuck other girls but you’re like his property that can’t see other people. Sounds unfair, right? Well…yeah. That’s why what you’re doing is bullshit. I would bet good money if you stopped giving it up to him, he’s start being on your shit a lot more. Or, if you started fucking other guys without caring if he found out, it would rattle him. All ego. all the time.
3)He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings
Here’s the other side of the coin. When you ask him stuff like “Will we ever be together?” and he gives you some wishy washy answer, that’s a “no”. If he was really undecided he would maybe say something like “I could see it happening”. There would be a glimmer of maybe. But “I dunno what the future holds!” is a way for him to keep you around and, at the same time, not flatly say “no” so he doesn’t make you feel like shit. Keep in mind, this kind of coddling of your feelings is not being done cause he’s a great guy. It’s cause he doesn’t wanna deal with the reality of what he really thinks. If he says “Nah, we will never be together” , he risks losing a steady sex partner who he does enjoy spending some times with. Clearly, you’re more than a booty call, less than a girlfriend. That’s a sweet spot for many guys and a nightmare for many girls.
So, yeah…he wants you but he doesn’t want you. It sounds to me like a ceiling for where your relationship can go has been set and it’s lower than what you desire. So, for your own self interest, it’s probably wise to get out of this one. unless you can accept it for just casual sex with someone you’re comfortable with, it’s not gonna work. Cause it doesn’t sound like he’s gonna stop doing him anytime soon.

Hi,

I’ve got a dysfunctional family situation. I’m 26, my parents have been split up for over a decade, and my bro is 17. My bro lives with our mom who is possibly borderline and definitely in the top 5% of worst mothers (emotional vampire, hysterical and manipulative, “nobody-takes-care-of-me”). He’s grown up with this and with our mom’s dysfunctional relationship to an alcoholic and with our mom’s giving in to my bro’s every whim. Needless to say, this hasn’t been the best influence on his character and now he’s spoiled rotten. Meanwhile, our dad has been spending weekends and weeknights with him since they split, and has also remarried a great lady.

At our dad’s, my bro acts a drama queen and says our dad’s wife isn’t his family, our dad is choosing her over him, etc… all in front of our dad’s wife and all while seeing how this hurts our dad, which doesn’t get him to stop. Our dad’s wife is hurt by this and sees no way out, but doesn’t want to deprive my dad of time with his son. So I guess the dilemma is, our dad doesn’t want to lose his happiness with his wife, but doesn’t want to lose touch with my bro either. I personally think tough love is in order here… but at the same time, my bro would turn to our mom and become more of a shitty human being. Needless to say, our mom is only a negative influence and can’t be reasoned with. I’ve offered my bro to stay with me, but I think he’s (not wrongly) afraid of the hell she would raise if he tried.

I know this is heavy but any outside perspective?

This is a tough one. Cause you got so many factors. The main one that pops out to me, outside of your mom being an asshole, is that your brother is 17. And , by nature, 17 year olds are selfish and somewhat self destructive. Add in that your mom and him have this unhealthy and co-dependent relationship and that just adds fuel to the fire. The thing about throwing tough love at someone who’s also spoiled is that it probably won’t work. At least not immediately. Because he has an option to just go back to your mom, someone telling him to not act like a little dickhead and respect his step mom really won’t put much fear in him. At best, it’s the type of thing that will resonate later. Perhaps, down the line, he will realize that he’s being a problem and take some responsibility for his actions. That’s a maybe though. After all, he is a teenager who is spoiled.
I honestly feel bad for your dad and I’m also curious why he only gets weekends when your mom seems to be a mess. If your dad is reasonable (and it sounds like he is) all he can do is weather the storm and hope your bro matures to a point where he can see things a little clearer. The thing that worries me is that, from the sound of it, your moms behavior might just be engrained in him cause, well, that’s how parenting works. Kids pick up on traits and they become a part of them. That’s why neurotic parents make Neurotic kids. Sadly, your bro seems like he may have a tough road ahead. I suppose the best thing you can do is try and reason with him and hope it sinks in eventually. Also, get him to a shrink. Sounds like he needs it.

I’m going to keep this context as concise as possible. I was supposed to work Camp Bisco last year, however, unfortunately I fucked up some crunchy bits in my foot. Because of complications with that injury I didn’t ride up to Montage Mountain with my girlfriend(now ex) and her cousin. Instead I rode up with a friend of my best friend’s whom I had never met. Amazing group of people to say the least! So mayhem and love as usual for festival.. But fast forward to Tipper. I had no ticket, a wounded paw and zero rubber left on the ends of my crutches. On my way to Tipper I bumped into this girl. I know this sounds gooey and romantic, but it felt like stars collided when I saw her. Beauty is subjective, much like success.. And in my little reality here, I have never seen such a cute vessel holding such a old, powerful soul! I mean this energy was like when a supermassive star collapses and emits gamma radiation that is said to touch the ‘ends’ of the universe. Instead of a scattered explosion, the light leaves the supernova in a form of a beam or column. That burst could wipe the atmosphere away and cook everything on earth instantly. I’m saying that she is powerful and her beam went head on with my beam and I swear for a millisecond we had no physical form. I couldn’t talk to this girl though because I was in a relationship. I mean I could converse with her in small bits, but I couldn’t say the things I wanted to say. I didn’t know what I wanted to say either! Haha. So we start jamming to Tipper after finding a nice seat high on the natural amphitheater of a hill. I don’t know how to explain this, but this girl and I could communicate telepathically. She confirmed this recently after giving me her side of this story! She described me as this bearded guy on crutches. She was standing behind me for the whole set. This cosmic fish said that when she looked at me I would turn around we would communicate. Not with spoken words though. So Tipper ends and my phone is dead and this girl is hanging out with some guy she met. We part ways and I accepted that if that energy was meant to be in my life, then there is no way in hell I can do anything to stop it. I broke up my girlfriend months later just before Halloween. Fast forward to Okeechobee Music Festival in Okeechobee Florida. I’m staffed at the festival and that now ex girlfriend shows up. And based on the characters involved in the synopsis of my recent love life, guess who shows up with my ex! You guessed it, you blockhead, you! The cosmic fish. It was her birthday and I really want to go into detail about all the things that happened over the course of Okeechobee, but this shit is getting long. Honestly I’m not sure if I have any questions. Or any answers haha. We’ll grab some rewskis tonight maybe and I’ll share the details.

I feel as though I can’t rush a flower to bloom. Other than manipulating light cycles, but that’s a different goal. I don’t really have a kwestyon lol. I would like any advice on this that you can offer and I think I just needed to get a lot of it out.

Cool story, bro.
I understood like 3/5 of this but it sounds to me like you were high as fuck and met a girl. Congrats!
Advice? umm…do less drugs when you write a question to a blog that is, in fact, not a question at all. That’s the best advice i could ever give you.

Yo Doc. Been holding this one in for a bit cuz, to be completely honest I’m a pussy. This one should be a bit interesting or at least a nice diversion from these goddamn relationship problems.
First, a little background on me (I’ll make this short.) I’m in my latter half of my sophmore year at high school, from the burbs. I also have 100% no vision whatsoever. Physically. My eyeballs are completely useless, aside from crying, which is pretty rare for me. Now that that’s out of the way, we’re at the meat and potatoes. Basically, I’m completely detached from my peers. I don’t really have that many friends. In my oppinion, most of the people in my school act like a bunch of idiots. They have there priorities screwed up completely. I go on facebook and see chicks post shit about how they “don’t need” there exes more than enough times a day to convince me that they’re emo and completely full of shit. They look for more materialistic things in guys/things that don’t really matter in the long run, like a dude’s popularity, what sport they play, shit like that. The few relationships I’ve had range from disasterous to meh. In the beginning, I went out with a bunch of gross chicks, because I didn’t know how to pick up on stuff like that yet. The one decent girl I dated (by that i mean looks, if that makes any sense) ditched me because, oh, you know, people being assholes and talking trash about her dating me is so important, rite? It fucked me up for a while, but i got over it. On the bro side of things, I can’t really relate to any of the dudes my age. There are ones that I’m cool with enough to shoot the shit with when I see them around. But there into sports, video games, or just stuff that I really don’t know much about. The only dude I’d call a friend without hesitation is the guy I do music with, who is from Ohio. We had common interests, opinions on things, and thats how we bonded. But on the flipside of all that, I’ll be the last to say that I’m perfect. I’d say it all started back when I started having hearing issues. Or maybe things just clicked in my brain that the world is far from a perfect place, probably a combo of both. Back in elementary school, I was the complete opposite of my current self, I used to go to people’s houses to chill all the time. But the year that everything changed and my hearing started acting up, I became more aware of things, I had access to the internet and was able to learn things that I didn’t know without it, like how fucked up society can be That was also the time I really started getting into music seriously. I definetly got angry around that time. Seclusive. But I didn’t know it at the time, I was so wrapped up in studying music equipment/production. I even quit band, which i regret now. I became quiet, shy, insecure, selfconscious. I’m not really good with accepting help from people either, I hate that shit, and I’m sure people can tell. I’ve been told that people think I am angry. Thankfully, all that is a lot better than what it used to be. A lot of people in my circle tell me that I’m a bit more mature than the people my age. I feel like I am on some level for sure, but what I don’t know is: 1: Do I need to get out of my basement for once and do things and get a better perspective on life or 2: Do I judge people too harshly? And by that, should I not be so quick to write a person off and give them a chance? Everyone that’s gotten to know me (which is mostly girls) told me that they thought I would be mean but that I’m actually not, that i’m smart, funny, all that good quality shit. I came here for nothing but blunt honesty, so for real, enlighten me.

Well, first off you being blind and having hearing issues is clearly at the forefront of all this. OF COURSE you’re gonna feel like you don’t belong. There is no way you won’t feel insecure about, well, everything when you have those issues. On top of that, you’re a teenager so you’re already super emotional to begin with. Eventually, those feelings of insecurity and not belonging turn to resent and judgement. Especially of others who are just living their lives like normal teenagers. Sure, they may be basic and into shit you don’t care about but if you’re writing people off cause they like sports or video games, you’re really not giving anyone a chance. I mean, I get the mind set. We all go through that at your age. If it’s not jocks it’s nerds. It’s all just typical teenaged shit that doesn’t really matter.
It sounds to me like you’ve been dealt a shitty hand and , understandably, you’re withdrawing socially. I’d probably react the same way. The best perspective I can give you is that , as important and crucial as these years seem to you right now, your life hasn’t even begun yet. High school is nothing. In fact, many of the people who see thriving in it are peaking in their lives. Trust me when i say you don’t wanna peak in your teens. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You have a passion for music? Follow that. Eventually it will put in you a place with other like minded people and your world will open up a bit. But, to answer your questions
1)Yes, you need to get out of your basement.
2)Yes, you judge people too harshly.

Lucky for you, these things are easy to fix. Simply leave your basement and don’t forget that , when you’r being hyper judgmental of people, it’s usually out of insecurity. So, really, it’s on you.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 53

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I’m not a doctor, but I play one on the internet.
Listen, we all got problems and I don’t know you BUT I’m a level headed guy with some decent life experience. So, instead of consoling in your biased friends who don’t really care about your problems in the first place, why not run it by me? I’m impartial and have nothing to lose or gain by throwing my two cents at you.
If you have any life problems (love and beyond) I’d like to hear them and see if I can give you a new perspective. I’m not here to blow smoke up your ass. I don’t know you, dude. I have no reason to not be totally honest. So, if you have any questions of this sort that you want help with, fire away! Send them to my email phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section. It’s always anonymous and I’m never full of shit. Go for it. I’m here to help.

I’ve been with my GF for about 2.5 years. She’s madly in love with me, and indulges (or at least tries to indulge) my every whim. That being said, I’ve grown tremendously bored of this relationship. Here’s the 3 primary issues we’re having

Sex Appeal – Holy shit, I never realized how crucial charisma and self confidence are in regards to a woman’s sexuality. My girlfriend has SERIOUS insecurity/body image issues and they’re undoubtedly the reason she’s so damn boring in bed. It’s holding her back. We’ve experimented but it’s always at my insistence, and no matter how many times I spell out that x, y, and z turn me on, she fails to fully actively and consistently satisfy those needs. I’m attracted to her, she’s beautiful…but her sex game is just wack, man. The head is good and so is her love box, but she just can’t be “hot” or “sexy” for me. I’ve been trying to help her develop her sexuality for over a year now and I’m starting to feel like my efforts have been in vain.

Intelligence – How I can phrase this so as to not seem like a dick? My girl isn’t stupid, but I’m definitely a lot smarter than her. I’m no Einstein, but I’m fairly sharp and I hold intellect in high regard. I look at a mentally stimulating conversation like ping pong, back and forth with quips of wit and humor or thought provoking insight. With my girlfriend, it’s sort of like as soon as I serve the ball it bounces off her side of the table and into oblivion. She just can’t hang. Whether I’m discussing the ethics of water fluoridation or the war on drugs she’s almost like a parrot, regurgitating the same 2-3 word responses and being a passive participant in the conversation. She has so little to contribute and it really sucks. Ultimately, it’s because she doesn’t or didn’t think about that shit before I brought it up with her. To sum this up, the mental stimulation just isn’t there and I’m not sure if there’s any way to rectify that.

Clingy – We’ve lived together for the past 1.5 years or so and boy do I hate it. I hardly do anything without her – she feels offended if I don’t invite her to my gigs and nearly always tries to lay a guilt trip on me. I’ve expressed to her that we need space and that it’ll strengthen our relationship if we don’t engage in every activity together. Still, we end up being together the majority of most days and I feel suffocated. Honestly, I can’t go to the store without her wanting to tag along. Fuck is the point of that? She won’t even purchase anything half of the time. About 6 months into the relationship she snooped through my phone and found nothing. I found that out last year. She claims that she was even crazier and more insecure back then but I’m of the school of thought that behavior like that is deeply rooted.

Taking the aforementioned issues into consideration, my girlfriend is super nice to me and accomadates my idiosyncrasies quite well…I have god awful anxiety/OCD. Also, she pays the entire rent for our 2 bedroom apartment. This is admittedly part of the reason we haven’t broken up yet. Am I dick for that? I just can’t afford to live on my own and my options are limited at the moment, but I feel like if we didn’t live together this could possibly work. Living with her is so much more of a compromise than being intimate with her whilst still having my own personal space.

There’s much more but I’ll cut this short. Is there any hope this 2.5 year affair could be salvaged? Should I just suck it up and move out? Should I keep working with her so we could eventually reenact that “Yeezy Taught Me” skit?

I care about her alot but at times I feel like maybe I’m just using her and convincing myself otherwise.

Dude…Come on…
This relationship is a nightmare and you and I both know the only reason you’re still with her is cause you need a place to stay. You need to end it for the sake of you both. What you basically described is two people who connect on no level outside of “she takes care of me”. She’s more like a nanny that you fuck (that you don’t even like fucking). It’s selfish of you to even indulge this shit.
There’s nothing to salvage. You don’t respect her, you’re not turned on by her and I’m fairly certain you actually actively dislike her. Like, i bet, when she walks in the room, you literally groan internally and wish she would leave immediately. These things don’t improve with time and moving in with someone only speed the process.
The irony is that part of her clinginess might have to do with her sensing you being removed and your growing disinterest. You say she’s insecure well, know what makes a girl even more insecure? When she thinks her boyfriend doesn’t like her…and she’s right. So, yeah man, do both of you guys a favor and cut it off. i realize that , logistically it’s a nightmare cause you live together and you’re broke but this your life. This is her life. You both can move on from this the sooner you dead it.

I have a question (maybe it’s for dr. Tony, you decide) for you. It’s like this, I have a girlfriend for quite some time now (around 8 years) and we are both in our very late twenties (i know, started too early, shit happens). She is a very nice person (to a fault actually, sometimes it gets on my nerves, but I can’t really say that being nice is a bad thing so, fuck me), we get along well most of the time and she is a good person to be around in general, which is underrated when it comes to girlfriends.
But there is one thing about her that I really don’t like and it’s her birthday. When I have my birthday it’s a pretty usual day, my mother calls, my grandparents call me, a couple of friends wish me a happy BD and that’s it. Maybe I go out and get drunk with friends if I feel like it, but that’s it and I feel like this is how adults should “celebrate” bullshit like this. I was born on this day, who gives a shit? It comes around every year, you should get tired of it by the time you are 25 or sooner. But not her.
Her mother makes her a cake and then we have to go to her parents place, we sing her happy birthday, she blows the fucking candles like a fucking 8 year old, her mother takes pictures (which are always the same, us sitting behind a table with a cake), sometimes even her stupid girl-friend or two come by. I mean, please, is this normal? Does she desperately want children of her own? Are her parents retarded for doing this (they are soooo overprotective, they still treat her like a child and tell her not to go out when it’s dark and shit like that, and she is soon to be 30)? I mean, am I weird? Do many people do stuff like this this late in their lives? I get it later when you are like 87 and every BD is like a blessing and you don’t know how long you are going to last and I understand celebrating your 30, 40, 50 etc…like some milestones, but having your 28 with a cake at your parents house the same as if you are 8? How do I tell her it is not really a normal thing to do? Actually skip this, I have already told her it is childish and weird but she doesn’t get it. How do I get her to get it? My theory is that she really wants a baby (she has mentioned it a couple of times lately) and that might switch her attention to the little one, but it might have the opposite effect and she becomes more childish? And she is not a spoiled barbie girl in everyday life, she is a normal person with a job and a life who is fun to hang out with. Please don’t tell me to get over it and that I only have to deal with it one day every year. It’s the principle, the whole thing is so fucking retarded to me that I can’t handle it anymore. Please help, lol.

Listen, on one hand, i agree with you that birthdays are stupid past a certain age. If anything, they’re an excuse to gather some friends and give you all an excuse to get drunk. That said, your issue with your girl is pretty fucking petty. So she likes to go see her family and have cake? Maybe she loves her family and tradition in general. Do you know how lucky you have it. When I started reading your question I was expecting it to go a totally different way. I thought you were gonna speak about people who treat their birthday like a week long event that everyone is supposed to cater to. On some “Well, wednesday is my birthday but tuesday we’re getting together for drinks, wednesday we have a small dinner party with close friends, then friday we’re all gonna go to great adventure leading into the big party on saturday!”
You know that’s a real thing people (girls) do, right? So, compare that to the simple shit your girl is into. You should feel blessed it’s that simple. I get going to spend the day with the in laws can be annoying but, hey, it’s what she wan’t to do for her birthday and she’s not asking much of you by doing so.
Your theories on why she does this are pointless. She does it cause she likes it. It’s comfortable. The reality is, YOU don’t like doing it so you gotta try and find a reason to shit on it. I’m sure it’s boring, lame and all that stuff but guess what? It’s called boyfriend duties. You gotta do it with a smile. It’s part of the deal.


Okay, so I’m a bit of a rookie when it comes to the dating game as I was in a nine-year relationship and have been bumbling around on the dating scene for around two years. Met a new girl and did all the things, with the relationship ending reasonably after six months.

Being green to the whole scene, we kept sleeping with each other which I obviously enjoyed but it made things difficult when she ghosted from that and blocked me on every format. Anyway, we have a horde of mutual friends and a birthday is coming up, where she will be there.

I’ve only seen her once and it was an otherworldly awkward encounter and spoke to her before that telling her that I missed her, with her basically telling me that I was acting like a child.

How the fuck have you survived these encounters? Advice will be good as I feel like I’m either going to neck an entire bottle of Jager to survive or wear a wig and play it off like I’m a German tourist who mangles the English language.

You just gotta go into these kinda situations prepared for an awkward moment. There will be one. It’s gonna suck, but then it will be over and you can carry on with your night. What you DON’T wanna do is sit there looking wantonly over your shoulder all fucking night and checking on what she’s doing. That’s not the move. You also don’t want to get too drunk and embarrass yourself. From the sound of it, she’s over you. There’s not point trying to push your way back in. Simply go to the party, act like she’s not there. When you see her, keep it civil and brief and move on. I’m assuming you will know other people there so don’t get hung up on her. It’s a party. Mingle. Perhaps look for a new girl to have a 6 month fling with. They’re out there, bro.

About a 3 months ago I started fooling around with this girl from work(we work in a cell phine store) Started out as just texting everyday shooting the shit and joking around. One night a bunch of us coworkers got drunk and she started making out with me. I guess all the signs that she wanted to fuck me flew over my head. She tells me that she only wants a physical thing and I agree to it. Anyways, as the time goes on we grow a little closer. Going out, talking and texting all day and stuff, far beyond what we intended.
At this point she’s told me a few times how special I am to her and how much she really likes me and how I’m so respectful and cool and and I’ve reciprocated the feelings. But there’s been more that a few times where she gets mad at me for either some really trivial things or for absolutely nothing at all. She’ll start saying how she’s never gonna talk to me again and all this stuff. Usually by the next day she’s fine and all goes back to relative normalness. Or she’ll just say that we shouldn’t see each other anymore and then after I try to probe more, she’ll drop to he subject and move one. This happens about once every 2 weeks. What the fuxk do you make of this? And how can I try to handle this. I know this shits gonna fall theough at some point but I’m just kinda living in the now. When this shit inevitably hits the fan, how do I handle the fallout in to the most civil way possible due to us working together in a close environment like a cellphone store.
That’s pretty much the jist of it. If you have any questions or anything I should elaborate on let me know.

Oh, good old “shitting where you eat”. It makes so much sense but it’s such a danger zone.
I’m only going off what you wrote so my assumptions could be wrong. For all I know, you’re mad annoying or distant and that’s why she freaks out every 2 weeks but, if what you say is true it could be for many reasons. One could be that she wants a committed relationship and feels weird bringing that to your attention so she lashes out when her emotions get the best of her. I’ve definitely dealt with that many times and all you can do is weather the storm or bow out. In your case, it’s tricky cause you are co-workers.

It seems to me that you have already decided that this relationship has an expiration date. So, if making her your GF is off the table, i’d say it’s best to back out now. I’ve always been of the school that you can ride the wave of a relationship gray area (Not just fuck buddies but not a couple) until it becomes a point of contention. Then you gotta make a decision. Once the “So, what ARE we?” pandoras box is opened, there is no turning back. If I had to guess, I know which way you’re leaning so , due to the delicate working together angle, i think you gotta find away to break it off as amicably as possible. Living in the now is cool but you guys work together. You keep on this path and it will eventually blow up in your face. I would say, the next time she gets on one of her “we should not see each other anymore” kicks, go with it. Agree with it and be as kind and understanding as you can. When that happens, we are faced with a fork in the road and too often, against our own wants and sanity, we choose the easy path cause it’s less hassle. You gotta take a deep breath and say “You know, you’re right…” then gently put this thing to bed. It sucks. It always does but there’s no reason to keep a dead end relationship going, especially if it’s full of drama. Things will be awkward at work for a little but I’m sure it will simmer down eventually. just be careful with her feelings and approach it all with sensitivity. Oh and it also means you can fuck any of your other co-workers. Sorry…thems the rules.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol 52

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Hi there. Let’s play doctor.
No, not the kind where you get awkwardly fingered…I’m talking about real psychological help from a person with absolutely no background in that field. Why me? Cause I’m a stranger. I have nothing to gain by helping you so there’s no reason for me to be anything but brutally honest. My credentials? I’m level headed and not insane. That’s it. But, I’ll be damned f I don’t give some decent advice.
So, if you’d like some help with life and/or love…holler at me. Send questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. It’s all anonymous. I’m here to help. I swear.
Here are this installments questions!

So i’ve been seeing my current girlfriend for a little over a year now, and i think its safe to say that i’m really in love with this person. We both just started college and we both make an effort to see each other as often as possible and keep in close contact, but theres still that nagging fear that, three years down the line, we’ll drift apart. Should i be concerned? Or should i just live in the moment?

This answer could get depressing.
Yes, you should just live in the moment. At your age, the worst thing you can do is think about what will happen down the line. I’m generally opposed to serious relationships for people your age but I also have been there and understand that they’re going to happen. You love who you love, right?
But, in reality, yes…you will probably drift apart. I say this not cause I know you and not only because you’re very young but cause , in general, that’s what happens within most relationships. I hate to turn emotions into a numbers game but, if we’re being honest here, your chances are low. However, this doesn’t mean your relationship is futile. It can work. It wouldn’t be the first time! More importantly, enjoying the “now” of a relationship with someone you’re with and care about is the best part. So, sitting around thinking about what might happen is pointless. I’d get it if you were in your 30’s and real life was actually happening but , dude, you’re still in college. Enjoy the ride. None of the stuff REALLY matters yet. You love her? That’s great. Stick with her until you don’t. Like most relationships that don’t involve children or a pending marriage, just roll with it. Only start questioning shit when you’re unhappy in that relationship.

Dr T, have you ever had a friend that you tried to politely cut ties with who just did not go away? And advice on terminating an exhausting bro-bro friendship that just won’t die quietly?

Breaking up with friends, man…it’s brutal. It’s extra hard cause, unless they do something specifically bad to you , there is never a clean reason to cut those ties. You can’t just walk up to a person and be like “Hey man, we had a great time together over the years but, honestly, I don’t like you as a person any more so…yeah…It’s been fun” *hands him a box of chocalates and card*
I mean…I guess you COULD do that. It would be the honest thing to do and leave no misconception floating in the air. But, let’s be honest, who’s that ice cold? And, when you consider your history together and mutual friends, it’s even harder.
My advice is cowardly but practical. You kinda just gotta phase that person out. Don’t pick up their calls. If they text, don’t respond immediately , and when you do, make it pretty curt. I’m not saying be rude, but don’t try to hard either. It’s no different than phasing out someone you’re casually dating. It’s shitty and a pussy way to go about it , unless you’re ready to tell an old friend, to their face, that you simply do not enjoy their personality, it’s pretty much the only option.
If this is a friend who is in your social circle and you’re gonna see out and about no matter
what ? That’s different. All you can do is kinda remove yourself from those social situations. That’s tougher though.
Or, if all else fails, move. Leave your town and never come back. It’s extreme but it’s definitely the most fool proof of all the ideas.

Hi Doctor,
I watch porn nearly every day and give myself a little pleasure when I do. It doesn’t get in the way of my life but I do get that guilty feeling twice a week.
Should I try to ditch the habit or do it less or keep it up?

A “little” pleasure, huh? What exactly do you mean? COULD YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC, GUY? HEY EVERYONE! Look at the masturbator! What a pervert! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Anyway…Jerking off to porn is fine. It exists for that reason. I’ve done it a million times and never felt guilty about it. Perhaps you’re from a background that looks down upon the act of self love but, well, I’m not. In fact, i think it’s weird if you DON’T do it. Personally, my imagination is not what it used to be so porn is a required part of this act. So, if i jerk off every day, then I’m watching porn every day. I’m not saying I do, but that’s just the math put in a simple form for you.
Here’s the thing about watching porn, you must have perspective on it. If you’re only using it to get off on, then you’re okay. That said, if you’re jerking off like 5 times a day and you’re not a 13-16 year old, you might wanna slow down a bit cause too much of that shit will fry your brain. You over do it and you become one of those creeps who forces girls to do anal and can only cum from very particular things that no one else enjoys doing. That’s never a good way to live life.

I feel as though porn only becomes a problem for people when it engulfs their life. I’ve know dudes who would literally have porn on all the time. Like it was background music. They wouldn’t even jerk off to it that much. THOSE DUDES are fucked up and have a problem. You? Nah, you’re just some guy who jerks off like a normal person. Don’t worry about it.

It’s not a question of if I’ll disappoint her, but when.

A girl I befriended at age 10 (we’re 27 now) and her boyfriend of something like 12 years got engaged (at Disneyland, ugh). They seem good for each other, I guess (both pretty boring)

She still refers to me as her best friend but I know we’ve grown apart.
She asked me to be her maid of honor (actually “matron”, because I’m already married) and I tried to say no but felt pressured and guilted into saying yes. It’s all part of her “plan” It’s happening in October.
I warned her I wouldn’t be good at it. But I couldn’t give her a solid “no”.

I hate weddings. I don’t believe in them. Everything about them is a superstitious waste of money and time and effort. Showers are stupid. Bachelorette parties are extra stupid. Diamond rings are stupid. People throwing thousands of dollars blindly at old-ass traditions they don’t understand. So stupid.

And this couple has crap taste in music (this shit will be new country and top 40 and spice girls and Disney ……)
But she obviously doesn’t know (or didn’t care?) that nothing about this is my jam. This is the opposite of my jam.
(I also don’t drink (guaranteed vomit and crying) but I will have a pocket full of secret joints (the couple doesn’t approve))

So. Do I miserably and trying-not-to-whine-too-much (except to my husband) attempt go through with it?

Or do I buck up and be brutally honest and get fired early enough for her to find a replacement?

Oh god, I sound like such an asshole. Both options fill me with stomach-turning dread.

Sarcastic option 3: kill myself.

I am with you 100% on your feelings towards marriage. Also, you’re married. So, that’s kinda funny. Tax breaks, huh?
Anyway…This sucks for you on many levels. Here’s the thing, being a maid/matron of honor is expensive and time consuming. If you can get out of it in the most simple of ways by saying “Hey, I just don’t have the time to be this involved in your wedding” then that is your out. Being vaguely “busy” is the best excuse every time. For everything. You can be super nice about it and pepper the convo with “But, of course, i will be there for your big day! Wouldn’t miss it for the world” type horseshit and maybe it will soften the blow. From the sound of this girl, she’s got the emotional development of a 12 year old so talking circles around her shouldn’t be that hard.
OR
Just do it. It will suck but it will also be over eventually. I think the only problem with this is that , by doing that, you’re leading your old friend on in a way. It’s telling her “yes, we are still super close friends!” , which doesn’t seem to be a message you wanna send. in fact, it sounds like you don’t even like this moron.
Either way, you got time. I’d go with option A if you’re really bout that “fuck marriage (except your own)” life. But if that’s too rough, you’re gonna have to eat shit and hold some flowers for this girl while she cries in front of her friends and family, as father Goofy marries them on the S.S. Minnie mouse boat.

Ask Dr. Tony vol. 51

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Hello all,
Welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. An advice column for people who, for some reason, want to ask a niche hip hop producer what to do with their lives. Thanks to all the people who recently sent in questions. I can always use more. If you have a problem in life or love and want an outsiders opinion, fire away. It’s always anonymous. Send questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. The Dr. is always in.
Let’s check this weeks batch…

Dr. Tony,

Help, I want to have sex with my roommate. I know it would be a terrible idea but he’s my ideal man. A blonde haired, blue eyed dream boat I can totally imagine setting up house and buying a mini van with. My friend suggested I just crawl into his bed one night and start S-ing his D. But I dunno i think that might make things awkward. What should I do??

Well, this could go a few ways (if you decide to take it there).
1)He’s into it and now you live with your brand new boyfriend. Good on paper, bad in reality. Not saying it can’t work but there should a grace period of dating where you both don’t need to shit near each other all day long.
2)He’s not into it, you get shot down and now you live your life avoiding him at all costs.
3)He’s kinda into it but not like you are. He will have sex with you but he’s also not looking for anything more than casual…which could be fine for a while but will undoubtedly get messy when he starts bringing other girls around (assuming you continue to like him)
4)You hook up once. it’s wack. You no longer feel that way about him. It’s awkward for a little bit but you can blame drunkness (or whatever) and eventually things go back to normal and, most likely, you’re better friends for it.

So, as you see, only one of those has an outcome that isn’t awful. Obviously, my advice is to not shit where you eat. And don’t fuck where you eat either. This may just be one of those situations where you gotta just sit on your hands and chalk it up to bad timing. Also, masturbate furiously to him. That could work for or against you though.

Block,

This is a simpler question than it seems, but I’d like to give some context. At my workplace (retail), my fellow managers and I hired a young man, age 22, who seems competent enough to do his job and remain employed, but so lacking in certain areas mentally and socially that it has become creepy to work with him.

The first red flag is that he’s a kiss-ass to us, and a real arrogant little brat to all the women. Complaints about his tone-deaf personality have been relayed to us, but he hasn’t done anything severe enough to warrant a firing/writing up. He pushily demands the women to train him at tasks that he has not been asked to do, nor is he even expected to do.

On his resume, he listed his previous job as a “shipping manager” at a retail store. I have a friend of a friend at said retail store, who confirmed that this new hire dude definitely was not and never was a shipping manager. I should’ve noticed that a 21 year old shipping manager for a major chain store sounds ludicrous, but I didn’t make the final decision on hiring. My boss is a real nice guy who gives new hires the benefit of the doubt.

One night, I drove him home because he needed a ride and does not have a driver’s license. He told me I’m easy to talk to, and out of friendliness I humored him while he started getting personal, saying things like, “how do I talk to women?” and “I’ve never dated” and “I don’t like music.” I responded, “no music? Like, nothing? Not even Beethoven? You’ve never heard a piece of music and felt emotional or moved, or amused, or anything?” He shook his head. This guy does not like music at all! I asked him what he’s passionate about and he said “videogames” and remained cagey about what he does in relation to videogames.

While at work, he stares at his phone until I tell him to do things. He added a female coworker, on the job, on facebook, while in the same building, and messaged her. Now, I did not give him specific advice on how to talk to women, like, “hey bro, add the girl on fb while in the same room! It totally works!” I gave him the most harmless tidbits I could, like, “just listen to people and treat them with respect and humility, things will proceed easily from there.” He doesn’t seem to pick up on behavioral subtleties. He asks weirdly rude questions like, “when will my schedule be ready? How am I supposed to know when I work when the schedule isn’t ready yet?” On a stormy day, this dude even asked me, “is it raining?”

My thoughts are that this young man is mentally underdeveloped, but also seems to be an arrogant, manipulative little liar, and not a very good one. I should be able to get him fired based on the fact that his application seems to be a bunch of lies. He keeps referring to his “roommate,” but at other times has admitted that he still lives with his parents. The other, more paranoid part of me has thought that this young man is potentially dangerous or unhinged, although the jury is still out on to what extent. Obviously I don’t want to tip things over into chaos, but there needs to be a sensible, reasonable way of putting an end to this. Any advice is greatly appreciated, and sorry this is a long explanation.

Clearly this dude has issues. Like, up and down the board. He’s socially inept and definitely mentally disabled in some form or another. Sounds like he may have aspergers or , at the very least, is on the spectrum. Problem with me giving advice here is that I’m not familiar with what’s okay and not okay when it comes to firing people. The last time I worked a regular job, you could fire someone for whatever you felt like. Granted, I worked at a bakery but still…There wasn’t as much space for uproar and suing as there most likely is today. Especially in a bigger corporation.That said, you seem to know the easy out. If he lied on his resume, there ya go. Also, making female co workers uncomfortable , being on his phone all day and even the paranoid “he might be a psycho” feelings he gives off…I’d imagine those are all grounds to let someone go. That last one especially with all the shootings that have been happening.
All that said, he could just be incredibly socially awkward. Which is harmless but also, not your problem. Let him be someone else’s issue to deal with.

I have a friend who’s married to a girl from south america who moved to america to be with him (met through high school foreign exchange). if things don’t work out, she would want to leave america and return to her family. he has admitted to her that he has feelings for another girl — who he spends lots of time with — but that he would never cheat on his wife. recently, while talking clumsily about some philosophical concept he posed the question “if a man cheats on his wife, is it wrong if it brings him and his mistress more happiness than it brings his wife sadness?”

who do i ask what questions of/tell what things to? all three people involved are fairly recent (four months) friends of mine, but we’ve been spending ~3 days a week together and i work with the wife most days of the week.

The wording of that last paragraph is confusing as fuck but I think I get the overall questions.
Who do you talk to about this? Umm…no one. Mind your fucking business. You’re saying you have known these people for 4 months and you’re trying to fix a marriage you have absolutely no involvement in? This is their problem. But more than that, it would be nosey of you to interfere in any way. I understand that you may not like what going on but these are all adults making their own choices. No one asked you to referee their lives.
Also, I’d be willing to bet the dude is already cheating. That kind of tension can only go so long before it boils ever. Within 6 months, this whole thing will probably be resolved. South American girl will be back in South america. The guy may or may not be with the side chick, and you will have had nothing to do with it. At least i hope. I get that people sometimes have an urge to try and fix everything that’s broken around them but , a lot of the time, they just end up making it worse.

Dr. Tony:

You mentioned that in college you missed lots of sexual opportunities. I recognize myself has being in a similar position (as in: why did we just sit on her bed and giggle for forty five minutes while making extended eye contact? oh wait sex). how does one break out of this obvious young-man’s pattern?

For me, I broke out of it when I stopped giving as much of a fuck. When I was young, every moment like that was tense and anxious. The fear overrode the excitement. Those feelings still exist but, as you get older, you learn to trust the signals being thrown at you. I’ll never be the type of guy who makes bold power moves at girls. I’m just not that guy. I’d imagine you’re the same way. However, once you get more comfortable in your own skin, gain a little confidence in yourself, you just kinda go with the flow. You learn to close in your own way. Some dudes go in for the kiss at first sign, others just kinda let it come to them and act accordingly.
It should also be noted that girls also get more aggressive with age as well. So, that same girl who you would lay around in bed with for 2 hours almost kissing while you agonized over if her leg was touching your on purpose, will straight up just attack you 5 years later.
The bottom line is that you gotta not look at every situation as a life or death kinda thing. Also, step back from your situation and look at it from the outside. Like , you go home with a girl after a night out. You’re in a bed with her and it’s after a certain hour. By no means should you expect sex but, at the same time, I think it’s safe to assume she may be down to make out. If she rejects you? Then deal with it like a gentleman. But know that, 95% of the time (assuming she’s not resisting along the way) she probably likes you. Just to clarify, I’m not talking about shy girls who get pushed into shady situations but aggressive dudes. That’s totally different. This is more when a girl is leading the evening and , there you are…in bed with her at 2 am. Chances are, you’re good to go. Trust your instincts. A simple thing you can do is just bring up making out conversationally. Talk about it. Her reaction will guide you.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 50

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Hello and welcome to “Ask Dr. Tony”. I’m here to help you with your lives problems and confusions. I’m not a licensed anything. I didn’t even graduate college but I’m honest, level headed and I don’t know you. Sometimes, you need to hear it from outside your circle for perspective.
If you have any problems that need to be addressed, need advice of any sort, shoot me a question. Send it to phatfriendblog@gmail.com Or you can leave it in the comment section below. This is all anonymous. I may make fun of you a little but the end game is to help the best I, a niche rap producer who has no horse in this race, can. Walk with me…

Block,

I’m in a dilemma. So an old friend’s BF was recently in an accident. She’s been a good friend for many years. They’ve been dating a few months but I only met the guy 3 or 4 times in passing, seems cool enough though, and by all accounts he is. Thing is, he doesn’t have insurance (even though in my country it’s pretty cheap) and she paid for most of the cost (she comes from a moneyed family, they support her financially). Now they are collecting funds to pay for the hospital bills and resulting minor surgery.

Normally I would, but I don’t feel inclined to donate in this case. I mean, shit, insurance is easy enough to come by. You just have to fill out some forms and pay your fee. And the treatment’s already been paid for. I would just be paying back by my friend, right? It’s not like the US where people go into massive debt from an accident. Then I would understand. I even offered up some legal help (used to be a lawyer) which was passed up. Why should I give any money???

Am I being a total dick here?

You’re not obligated to do anything you don’t want to and I doubt they expect you to. If you were to lend some money, it would strictly be out of the kindness of your heart and a nice gesture. Maybe I’m not clear on what is exactly going on here but it seems like a non-issue. You don’t want to donate money? Then don’t. You want to help? throw him some euros (I’m assuming that’s where you are). Pretty simple.

I see people do this in the states all the time. Like a friend has some crazy expensive surgery and posts about donations on facebook. Strangers give money out of sympathy. People even do it for operations on their pets sooooo….it’s not crazy . But like you said, in your country it sounds different. This persons life doesn’t seem like it will be ruined by you not giving some money to him. Do what you feel, brah.

What up Block,

Knowing what I do about you from your blog ( lifetime New Yorker, self-employed), on a surface level, I’m not sure you’re even qualified to answer this but sometimes an outside perspective is good so give it a shot anyway if you will.

I just recently accepted a job far away from family, friends and anything familiar. It’s a dream job, for me at least and is the sole reason I’ve moved. In this economy, its hard to do what you actually love even with a degree so I’m greatful, thankful, etc BUT…

(Matter of fact, based on that greatful statement above you might just tell me to suck it up.)

Anyways here’s my issue in a nutshell. I’m a fucking newb, yo!!! I’m very unexperienced and despite my being new its very clear to me that even when people are trying to be polite they are somewhat frustrated by having to explain shit that is obvious to them but falls into that not quite second hand nature yet category for me. I’ve been here just 3 weeks so yes, I know I have to give myself some time. But also, I know me being new us going to get old really quick. So what’s your advice? And also, do you think there’s an enormous percentage of people that are just dicks to newbs when they could just be like, “oh hey man, I understand. I was in your shoes once” Thanks

I would say it’s all part of the learning curve. It’s rare that people just start a brand new job and are killing it off that bat. 3 weeks isn’t shit. Time will pass, you will learn how things go and it will be second nature to you. If it’s not, you will get fired and there ya go.
As for people being dicks, yeah…they are all around us. Not just to new people but to everyone around them. Miserable fucks. I was thinking about that the other day. How it takes so much effort to be an asshole yet people go out of their way to do it. It boggles my mind. I can imagine being driven to that point by someone in particular but simply just treating every one around like dogshit, all the time? Who does that? WAY too many people and it doesn’t make sense. It’s so much work.

Dr T,

Any advice for redating an ex-girlfriend from like 10 years ago?

Yeah. Skip it.
I tried it once and it was a disaster.
Here’s what happens:
1)You break up with a person for valid reasons.
2)You remain civil and move on with your lives.
3)You both date other people.
4)Time passes and you guys see each other on occasion and things are “cool”.
5)more time passes and the familiarity you once shared still exists so , now, when you see each other you’re actually friends
6)you’re both single again and many years have passed
7)You see each other , as single people, and start to mistake that old comfort and familiarity as a spark.
8)You guys somehow approach the idea of trying to make it work.
9)You start to date and things go okay for a little bit until…
10) You are quickly reminded of why you broke up in the first place. People don’t change THAT much. This is still the same person who you very likely wanted to throw out of a moving bus ten years earlier

Now, there are obviously exceptions to this. Perhaps your relationship ended for reasons outside of both your control like bad timing or one of you moving far away. Perhaps the issue that made you break up (addiction, another person, etc…) has long since subsided. Maybe you two are simply in a better place to actually settle down. It’s possible. But, in my eyes, going back to the same well years later doesn’t help anyone. What you gotta do is remember the bad parts. We tend to focus on only the good when we fondly remember an ex who we still kinda like but, like i said, you broke up for a reason and people rarely change in those ways.

So, my hair has been thinning on top for the last year or so, and as a result I have to buzz it off every 3 or 4 days lest I look like Lebron James (not quite bald, but not NOT bald). Problem is, cutting my hair all the time is a real pain, and I still have enough hair that actually shaving bald would be even more of a pain (not to mention the ingrown hair problem). What should I do? Should I just suck it up and keep buzzing it every few days, go completely skin on top, or become a hat-guy and hope no one tries to take it off to see my ugly crown?

Bro, I understand deeply. I’ve been losing my hair since I was in my early 20’s. My process was super slow though so i was always confused with what to do. Luckily for me, I look good in hats and make rap music so that pretty much became my go to (obviously). Recently, I said “fuck it” , started shaving my head and prayed my head was a decent shape. Not totally bald and shiny (I think that looks wack on white dudes) but very short. Like a 1 setting on a electric razor. Gotta say…i love it. It was really freeing. And I only shave it like once every week and a half.
The thing is , you can rock it how you want. Shave it every few days if you want of shave it less frequently and just wear a hat for half the week. There’s no shame in that. I dunno how you look in these different stages of hair length but the bottom line of all this shit is that you wanna do what you feel most comfortable with. Whatever make you the least insecure. For me, it’s been hats. i realize that’s a cover up but, what can I say? I’m a vain person and I like that shit. So, yeah, just go with what feels right. Shaving your head isn’t THAT much of a hassle.I say suck it up and stay the course.
Side note, there is nothing worse than being a balding guy who wears a hat and being around a grabby ass girl who’s trying to take that hat off. It’s a nightmare. As a rule, girls should never touch a guys hat unless given permission. That’s a fucking violation. Take note, ladies. Watch those fucking hands!

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 49

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I got my notepad out and stethoscope on. Ready to change lives. Welcome to “Ask Dr. Tony”. This is where readers with real life problems ask me, a niche hip hop producer who dropped out of college, for advice. Why me? Why not? I don’t know you, have no reason to lie to you and, most of all, I’m a level headed guy who will do my best to steer you in a sane direction. if you have problems in life and love, holler at me. it’s anonymous and can’t be worse than asking your dumb friends who are probably sick of hearing about it anyway. email me questions: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. I’m here to help…and , sometimes, make fun of you if the mood strikes.
Let’s check this weeks batch…

I had two recent dating experiences that left me very confused. The first one was with a girl I had met through friends a couple times – really cute and super smart. I got her number and met for drinks. It went really well and we agreed to hang out again, but she was kind of flaky about texting back so I asked a mutual friend what was up and he told me she has a boyfriend (which she neglected to mention the first, second, and third times we hung out).

Fast forward about a week later and I’m on a date with someone from okcupid – another cute, smart, cool chick. Again, I thought it went really well. We were both really into the conversation, making each other laugh, telling stories, etc. She invited me back to her place but then hesitated at the last moment because she was worried what her roommates would think, so we agreed to hang out another time. Since then, she’s been sort of flaky with the texting too. I invited her to something on Thursday but she said she had plans and then didn’t suggest another date. I want to ask her out again but after the last time I’m suspicious. Do you think this girl has a boyfriend too? Seems less likely since she’s on a dating website, but who knows.

Any advice you could give would be much appreciated.

If online dating has taught me anything is that’s people, in general, are flakey. Whether it be cause they’re insecure, not interested or actually busy…people be canceling plans all over the place. It’s just the nature of how things work. Don’t take it personally.
There is something great about canceling plans. Especially dates with people you don’t really know. There’s so much anxiety and fear that comes into play when meeting new people. Both parties are nervous. Both want to meet up but also know it would be easier to just stay home and watch tv. It’s just the nature of online dating. I would say persistence is key but I’m not even sure. I’ve found just being relaxed about everything is good. Sure, you will lose some possibilities along the way but better that than be the guy who’s texting all the time and coming off crazy/desperate. If it’s meant to be, it will be.
I went on a date with this super cute girl a few months ago. we hit it off and I felt the date went very well. Very similar to what you seem to be describing. We mad tentative plans to hang again but we were both busy and , when that time came again, she canceled. Haven’t seen her since and it’s okay. Shit happens. Maybe I’ll see her some other time or maybe I’ll never speak to her again. The point i’m trying to make is , when dipping your toes into the world of single life, people are gonna come and go and you have very little control over that. You just gotta roll with it.
Another aspect to this is that you never know what’s going on in their lives. For all you know, the second girl you went on a date with was dating a few other people and she started really liking one of them before you got a chance to plant your flag, so to speak. That’s not only possible, it’s likely.
Basically, like Jay-z said, on the the next one. Chalk it up as experience. Just don’t burn bridges unless you have to , cause you never really know who will pop back into your life and when.

Hi Tony, what would you say to this: My brother has been hearing voices and displaying skitzophrenic behavior at an increasingly worse rate for the past 5 years. My Dad pays for his apartment and life that consists of isolation, painting, and making music that all sounds like trance designed elevator music. The guys getting crazier and crazier all the time and is now making threats of physical violence to my mother as well as strangers in public for things he has imagined that they have done to him-things like coughing at him and honking their car horns at him. My parents are resentfully divorced. My dad is afraid to put him in the mental hospital because he’s an academic pussy and promised my brother he would never do that or put him on medication-he believes it will make my brother a fat zombie…(trust me i think it’s a bull shit excuse too).

So my dad decides to leave for a month to Europe to bang his stupid Spanish wife. Now my brothers starting to get real fucking crazy.

So what the fuck would you do tony. Call the cops on your psycho brother and hurt your dad (who is a figure in your future career path) or do you just stay the fuck out of it and let the shit show happen and forget about it.

Goddamn dude…that’s a quite the pickle. I say that cause , once possible violence is bought into the picture, these things ramp up incredibly. I mean, I’m not a huge “medicate your problems” kinda guy but , at the same time, some peoples mania needs to be tamed. If it turns the psychotic possible criminal to a docile zombie than maybe it’s for the best. It sounds like your dad is just not willing to accept the reality of his child. That’s not unusual though. My question is “where does your mom stand on this?” She’s the one who’s being threatened so, if anyone has the right to call the doctors up to take him away, it’s her. Perhaps you need to talk to her and have her handle it all so 1)it will put your brother out of reach for the time being 2)It won’t be your doing and your dad can’t really hold it over your head.
I’m assuming your parents aren’t friendly so what’s the harm of your dad being mad at your mom? So he can hate her more than he already does? Seems like a safe bet. And, beyond that, once your brother is in a facility , perhaps they can begin to address his needs and your dad may come around a bit if he sees improvement.
Or not! The fact that your dad is an “academic pussy” leads me to believe he can , at the very least, be reasoned with. Academic pussies tend to pretend to be open minded and cerebral. Hopefully he is like that. Good luck. This all sounds like a total shit show.

I’m hesitant to join Tinder (i’m college-aged). You and a lot of people I know have recently taken to it. I’d ideally find my potential partner on my own accord and not through a commonly-used-just-for-hook-ups app (though there are some respectable people on there). My friends say that they enjoy it just as a social experiment or as an ego-booster. What do you think? Should I just get over myself and take the plunge into it?

TINDER IS NOT SERIOUS. It is what you make it. You wanna go on there and find a soul mate? You probably can. You wanna go on there to find someone to piss on your while you chew a dog toy, that can also be arranged.
I get the hesitance. It is a “hook up” site but, you know what, it really isn’t anymore. All you gotta do is write that you’re “not here for hook ups” and that’s that. Trust me, I left swipe every time I see that horse shit.
But here’s another way to look at it. Tinder (and other dating sites) are not the end all of meeting people. They’re just an additional tool. You can still go out and meet people like a normal human being. Tinder won’t stop that.
When you’re on tinder at first, it becomes an obsession. You’ll spend hours just flipping through people. But, two weeks later, you will be a zombie about it and a care infinitely less. That’s kinda how it works. After a while, it becomes some shit to do when you’re bored that rarely has any consequence. Maybe you’ll get a match that interests you , maybe you won’t. The pressure and excitement wanes incredibly.
Might I suggest looking into okcupid? It’s way more tailored for something of substance. The settings are way more exact and there is actual info on people so you can make an educated decision. After all, Tinder is basically a video game.

I’d also add that I’m very much opposed to college aged people settling down for the long haul. I’m just saying, you’re extremely young and have a lot of life ahead of you. Getting involved with someone you might marry now could be the biggest mistake on your life. Just saying. Talk to anyone who’s been in a relationship over 10 years who grew up in the last 40 years…they’re miserable. Trust me, that shit can wait.

im newly single after being in a relationship for almost 5yrs.. i made a profile on a dating site so i could go on some dates and meet some men to take my mind off the breakup and get some male attention (just being honest!) so i met a guy on OKC that i had already met IRL like one time thru a friend and he would actively talk to me on twitter..but i didnt really kno him type of thing…so i immediately felt comfortable meeting up w him and i did..
he is really nice and successful, has a great place, and is super tall, and pretty attractive and eats the pussy sooooo good like damn..
but i can tell that he is starting to fall for me pretty hard by how much time he wants to spend together..
and im just not very good at communicating so i tend to just ignore more and more which is totally fucked up but i do not think i could see myself committing to him. im still healing from my previous break up and wanting to get out there and have some fun…
how do i tell him that i really just want to come around from time to time to sit on his face and not be all couple-y
in the nicest possible way

The best way is honesty. Tell him, in the nicest way possible, that you’re not in the right head space for anything serious right now. I feel like guys, in general, can both understand and accept that concept. Probably cause we’re generally the one imposing it on others.
When you tell someone like that how you feel, you’re basically putting the ball in their court. You’re saying “this is how it is, are you in or out?”. If they are in then , great. you have set the ceiling for what the relationship is and they have agreed to abide by it. They know the rules and , if they follow them, things will be fine. If they are not into it, no harm done. You can amicably part ways and chalk it up to bad timing. Who knows, maybe down the line things will work out when you’re both in a similar head space.
The “I like hooking up with you but i can’t date you” line is a tricky one but it’s also common. just make your case in a sane and sensitive manner and see how he responds. Worst case, you lose a good pussy eater. Lucky for you, there are pussy eaters everywhere. Life will go on.