Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 45

thedoc-doctor
It’s the diggy diggy doc yall!
Welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. A place for people with personal problems to ask me for help. Why me? Cause I’m here and willing to talk about it. Also, I’m not your friend so I most likely won’t sugarcoat it for you. Keep in mind, I have no medical training and I dropped out of college after one year but, hey, I got some perspective and will try my best to lead you toward the light.
If you have any problems that need fixing or just want some advice, holler at me. Email me questions at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments section below. It’s all anonymous so this is a safe place.

Dr. Tony,

Back in early July of 2014 I met this girl and everything was great. We had many of the same interests (Music, video games, etc.) and our personalities were nearly identical (both gloomy and negative fucks). We stayed friends for a while and never really had any desire to take it further for months.

Around November, I started to develop big feelings for her but I kept it to myself because I did not think she shared my feelings. A couple days before Christmas she began acting very strange around me. I could tell she was acting a lot more shy and reserved so I asked her what was going on and she told me she had begun to develop feelings for me. It kind of took me by surprise but I replied to her that I felt the same way.

Everything was fine for about a couple of weeks after that. She was being overly affectionate with me which was totally opposite of her normal personality. She would tell me she felt strange whenever we would go certain periods without talking and how much she needed to hear my voice multiple times a day. We didn’t get much time to see each other throughout the day because my work schedule and her school schedule conflicted. Eventually, I could tell a little bit after New Years that she was acting a lot more distant around me and we began talking a lot less (usually it was every few hours, then it turned to every day and then every few days). When I confronted her about it, she told me that I had changed ever since we told each other our feelings. She said that I was acting a lot nicer to her and she didn’t like that. I replied that it’s hard to not act nicer when she is always acting so affectionate around me.

Eventually our relationship died off. She wanted to remain friends and still talk to me, but since I still had feelings for her I told her I did not want that and would rather distance myself. I have normally never had any issues with rejection, but this one stung quite a bit because of the fact that she liked me and then rejected me after such a short period of time and for reasons that I don’t understand. I’m quite sure that distancing myself from her is the correct solution but it has been a month and I still haven’t really gotten over it. Is there any advice you can give or is this something I will just have to suffer through for a bit longer?

Well, I commend you for even being smart enough to know you need the distance. Most people in this situation would easily either fall back into the friendzone against their will or try to finagle some more sex out of it until it truly crashes and burns. So, off the bat, you’re doing well. Unfortunately, there is no time limit to getting over things. It doesn’t just click away one day. It slowly fades. On the bright side, this one shouldn’t take THAT long cause you haven’t even known here for very long. The entire span of your relationship (from meeting her to now) is less than a year. This won’t last too long. Get out the house. Stop wallowing. Embrace the concept that you can’t change what you can’t control.
On a side note, what the fuck is up with her saying you were too nice? Were you guys like sacrificing goats and spitting in each others mouths one day than you took her to the park for a romantic walk and she was like “ew!”. That’s really bizarre and a definite red flag when a girl reacts that way to simply being treated nicely. I mean, maybe the nice you is a cornball and she wanted to date the negative gloomy dude but…I dunno. Even negative gloomy people take some downtime and the nature of being with someone you care about is to be kind to them.

What up boy??? So i pretty much need you to tell me what I already know. This is a fuck buddy/don’t ask don’t tell situation.

I’ve been hooking up with this guy for a little less than a year now. When we started hooking up there was no cuddling ,sex and then split. this was good and made it easy to keep those feelings non existent. A few of months into we statred spending nights together and thats when we started cuddling. He holds me all night holds my hand and kisses me anytime he wakes up. He even makes me face him when we sleep. No talking over the phone at all and very little texting at all in between when we see each other. I don’t ask him to much at all about his personal life and just try to keep it really cool and fun with him. We have amazing sex.. Like the best i’ve ever had. He tells me no nobody fucks him like I do and how much he looks forward to seeing and kissing me when we get together. He kisses me and holds me all night. Then he’s gone. He’s a hustler aka busy 24/7.. I don’t have feelings for him but I really could if I let myself.. The last night we spent together he asked me while we were hooking up to tell him my pu*** was his.. I did.. It is.. I haven’t hooked up with anyone but him since we started hooking up. I’ve never told him that but he might know.. Could him asking me to tell him that mean anything? or am I foolishly reading into it to much? (second one seems more in reality) As stupid as it seems even though he is not my boyfriend or anything at all to me really… I would feel bad hooking up withsomone else.. Even though I know he does.. I feel like I definately need to, to avoid catching feelings for this guy.. Whats the vibe Block? Im 23 and he’s in his late 20’s not sure exactly.

Your instincts are right. I would guess he loves…fucking you. All the sweet stuff is just run off of the sex. Some dudes blur those lines in a most unfortunate way. Like his attraction to you may be so strong he can’t keep his hands off you but that doesn’t mean he’s emotionally invested. There is a chance he may have conflicted feelings about you too but it’s more likely that he’s just being intimate with you like that cause that’s how he is. btw, The “facing you while he sleeps” thing is a little weird though. I don’t doubt , in the moment, he feels a real closeness and I also don’t doubt he’s legit fond of you. But dudes like this, in general, are single by choice and they love it. Unless he starts ramping up your relationship, you can assume it’s right where he wants it to be.
That kinda thing is only fair if you’re on the same wavelength. If you start feeling stronger about him, that’s how hearts gets broken. So, be careful with that.
Judging from what I read, I feel like this dude is an ego driven sexual being AKA a man. Him asking you “whose pussy is this?” is both playful sex talk but also kinda real. Most men wanna be looked upon as “the best lover” and it’s 100% for our own ego. But, beyond that? it’s a toss up. Sex and emotions are rarely connected for us. Like, I bet if you tried to have a “what are we?” talk, he’d get distant and the sex sessions would immediately begin to taper off.
So, yeah, I think you know what’s going on. If you can handle it emotionally on your end, stick with it. But if you feel yourself over thinking it all and getting obsessive, it might be best to just cut it off… or, at the very least, start seeing other guys.

Hi Dr. Tony

1st off, love your music, you’re the coolest.

Secondly, I have a confusing situation on my hands. Sorry for how long this might be. I’m a 20 year old and I recently got involved with a 42 year old man (4 months at this point.) We worked together and were friends-ish. For context’s sake, I’m mature for my age, kinda an old soul, and we flirted but I initiated the situation. He was shy in the beginning due to the age factor; he’s not some creep scamming on young girls.

I just got out of a fucked up 3 year relationship, and his last relationship was 6 years ago when he got divorced. I knew he hadn’t gotten laid since then, and I wanted a simple nice guy to hook up with. So we became fuck buddies and HOLY FUCK the best sex anybody has had ever. Seriously fuckinggggg mindblowing. So we started hanging out constantly for that reason, then started hanging out outside that, and long story short feelings started to develop. He wanted more, I fought the feelings for a while cause we don’t make any sense in the long run, and I wasn’t looking for anything like that. But despite all that, the connection is crazy, so I stopped fighting it, we starting saying I love you… yadda yadda yadda, happiest either of us has been in a long time.

Anywho. How insane is this? We’ve both acknowledged at this point there’s no foreseeable reason for us to break up soon… we laugh and have incredible sex, have similar interests and views, and we’re both just smart kind no-drama people. Then in my head I fast forward to where I’m 40 when he’s 60… and he fuckin smokes a pack a day so who knows how long he’ll last if I’m being honest with myself.That said, I’m 20, I’m not in a huge rush to find a super long term thing.

So I think I’d like to ride this out and enjoy it for the meantime. But I don’t want to get in even further over my head. The age factor in the long run doesn’t affect him as negatively as it does me, so he talks casually about how much he loves me and pictures this being long-term.

So should I get out now while it’s easier (and then possibly regret it cause the decision was made logically not emotionally) or stick around and risk getting in deeper and fucking up my future?

Thanks dude!

Damn…that is one hell of an age different. Honestly, if you were 30 and he was 50, I’d probably give you a different response to this. 20 is SO YOUNG. 40 is middle aged. Fucking each other is one thing (many would say a 40 year old should not be fucking a 20 year old though) but a serious relationship? That’s tough. I’m not saying it’s impossible and it definitively won’t work but it is certainly not ideal. The thing is, he’s been through all this shit. He’s fucking divorced! His days of going out and looking for girls are over. You haven’t even started your life yet. It may be okay now but it will eventually catch up. You think you’re gonna wanna be with him for the rest of your life? What happens when the great sex starts to wane. You think a 55 year old man is going to still blow your socks off, or even want to have sex with any regularity? Not gonna happen. I think the problem with this is that you two , as much as you get along and relate, are coming from such different places and times that it just seems doomed to fail. I find it weird that a 40 year old could relate to a 20 year old at all, old soul or not. When you were born, he was 3 years out of college.
On the bright side, you’re young enough to where you can ride it out and see what happens. Even if you just date him for 4 years, you’ll still be really young when it’s over and life will go on. To him, however, this could be his end game. kind of ideal really. Settle down with a much younger girl. He gets it all. but, I dunno…it’s just a lot of eggs to put in one basket. The heart wants what the heart wants (that’s that stupid saying, right?) but ,logically, you shoulda never been fucking him in the first place. You’re future is far less at stake than his cause your future has many more years on it.

I cheated on my girlfriend 2 months ago. I kissed another girl. My girlfriend broke up with me over this and I have been fighting to get her back for the past 2 months. She is still so full of resent and anger about what I did to her that she isn’t willing to forgive me just yet or say we’re back together.

We were fuck buddies before we ever got serious. We got serious 14 months ago. Tonight she told me she could go back to being fuck buddies but she doesn’t want to be my girlfriend. I am still emotionally attached to her. I don’t know if I should continue sleeping with her or if I should cut off all ties and move on. I need advice.

If this weeks edition has taught us anything it is that being fuck buddies will always open doors. If she is willing to have sex with you again, even though she feels betrayed by you, there’s a good chance that that sex could lead to you two getting back together. Not to mention, while kissing is cheating, it’s not like you fucked another girl. A kiss is a mark against you but it’s at least not something she has to sit and envision , while being whipped up into a furious frenzy.
The thing about basically starting over is that there is a risk. She may indeed only want the sex. That’s possible. But, at the same time, once you start having sex and that comfort and familiarity comes back, it does all sorts of shit to peoples brains. You will definitely get attached again but there’s a good chance she will too. The question is, can she forgive you for cheating? If not, then don’t bother. You don’t want her holding some dumb kiss over your head for the rest of your relationship. So, my advice is do one of two things:
1)Cut ties and move on
Simply just to keep things simple and lessen any confusion hooking up again might cause
2)Bone her again but watch for the backlash. If she’s making you feel like shit for that kiss, respectfully say you can’t do this and get out. If things go back to where they were and you feel forgiven, then ride that wave. The last thing that makes a relationship thrive is holding some shit over the other persons head. I tend to think, If she was really that mad, she wouldn’t reopen the door in the first place. But trust, if she ever does let you back in, you gotta be super boyfriend #1.

Ask Dr. Tony vol. 44

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The Doctor is in. I just put on my lab coat and adjusted my stethoscope.
This is “Ask Dr. Tony”. I’m Tony. I’m not a doctor. In fact, I’m a college drop out with not medical training whatsoever. However, I am honest and will shoot straight with you about your problems. If you need some guidance from an impartial stranger, I’m your guy. Send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. The questions are always anonymous so this is a safe place.
This week, we got back to back questions that feel like they were sent down from heaven.

Yo Dr. Tony,

My girl and I have been together for a while. I love her to death there’s no question there. But she does this thing where she says, ‘I love you” every fucking five minutes. I’d feel like a shit if I didn’t say it back but I get tired of saying it over and over. It starts to just be a call and response how often it happens. It’s not that the feeling is not there, just the words have no meaning anymore. Also it’s just annoying. How should I deal with this?

This kinda thing drives me crazy. I usually lend it to one of two things: She’s insecure about your relationship and she constantly needs you to reinforce how you feel about her or she is just seriously , head over heels in love with you and can’t contain the feeling or a little of both. Either way, it can be pretty annoying and , you’re right, the words lose meaning when being repeated over and over again.
Sadly, there really is no way to deal with this that won’t start a bigger and more annoying conversation. if that annoying conversation doesn’t frighten you then, by all means, have it. It may be for the better. Tell her what you wrote me. That the repetitiveness of the statement makes it feel meaningless and perhaps even ask her why she feels the need to say it over and over again. You know, honesty. This could easily backfire and you will probably be dealing with tears by the end of it so I wouldn’t blame you for taking the cowards route.

I’ve said ‘i love you’ but my bf has not. We talked about it and the words mean a different thing to him than to me. To me, they’re about how I feel. To him, they’re about stating a commitment. I think we both understand this. He said he was glad I told him how I feel, and things are good between us.
So everything’s good, right? Pretty much. But it still makes me feel a little vulnerable to have that hanging out there. What are your thoughts on those words and our situation? A little context: we have not been dating that long, so I may have been jumping the gun a bit with the feelings. But things are definitely moving fast and we are both exhibiting enthusiasm towards the relationship.

I’ve got a follow-up to this question. Given that we are at this place where I’ve said it and he hasn’t, can I say it when I want to without being pushy. Not at the end of every text but saying goodbye before a weekend apart or just when I want to. I don’t want to give the impression in any way that I’m waiting for him to tell me he loves me, and I can’t tell if saying it myself would be putting pressure on him. On the flipside, is it weird never to say it again after I said it once? Does it seem like maybe I didn’t mean it?

This is amazing. What are the chances of getting these two questions back to back. Wow.
So, this is the female perspective on this very same question from above.
As a guy, i can only tell you that hearing “i love you” fairly early into a relationship is a little much. Unless you’re one of those “all in from the jump” type dudes, then it’s like the sound of sweet music to his needy ears.
To answer your question, I think things are fine. He’s going at a normal speed. If you guys are getting along well outside of the “I love you” not being returned, it’s seemingly okay. That said, i don’t doubt for a second that he’s feeling a little overwhelmed. It would be one thing if you were together a long time but , for many guys, hearing that phrase early is , quite honestly, terrifying.
Patrice O’neal had a whole bit about this comparing women who said “I love you” to rapists. Clearly, it’s just a joke with a lot of hyperbole and O’neal was nothing if not a misogynist but it’s also not 100% wrong either. I wish I could find a clip but a youtube search is coming up with nothing. This one is relevant though. When you tell a guy “i love you” over and over , you’re forcing his hand, regardless of how he really feels. It’s pressure. If he’s unsure of how he feels and not a liar, how can he respond to that? That’s the funny part of this. You want a man to be genuine in his feelings but throwing unrequited “I love you” at him is basically asking him to lie (assuming this is early in the relationship). Or , maybe he DOES love you but he’s not comfortable saying it. Certainly wouldn’t be the first guy to ever feel that way (I’m guilty of this for sure). But to continually say it to him over and over with no response isn’t good for either of you.
So, yeah, it’s weird to say it over and over again, ESPECIALLY if he’s not returning the sentiment. It just comes off as very insecure and needy. The problem is that him not responding to your declaration only makes it worse and then results in your saying it more. So, it’s a whole downward spiral of mixed up emotions and feelings being thrown around.
All this said, you have free will to say whatever you want to him. if you’re overwhelmed with love towards him and want to let him know, let it fly. If he doesn’t like it, he can address it or move on. just be warned, he might not like it. But if you’r using those words as a litmus test for his feelings, stop it. It’s not fair to either of you.

Here’s my problem: I’ve had a wonderful 2 year relationship with an awesome guy. Except he’s deeply bipolar and had a year and a half episode of depression. (Yup. That’s a long time in a 2 year relationship)
I have taken a lot of crap, forgiven so many things because he sometimes loses his shit and can’t even control or remember what he’s doing, but we ended up breaking up.
He actually broke up with me through Facebook while I was abroad (classy classy) It’s been 4 months now, and he’s getting so much better, he really got his shit together, started working again, getting out, seing friends, eating, sleeping, simple stuff that he didn’t do while we were together. I still love him. He wants me back. There’s no “cure” for bipolarity, the treatment doesn’t control half of the problem. I’m so desperate that I’ve listened to “Too Lost In You” from the Sugababes. Which is an insult to my self-respect, to my ears, to humanity. HELP !

This is tough. I know there is part of you that wants to take care of him and even fix what is unfixable but, it’s not gonna happen. He may one day get his shit together on some level but, like you said, there is no “cure”. It’s fucked up to say cause I know some Bi-polar people who I care deeply about but, in terms of dating? Just cut your loses and go. I realize that , when he’s good, he probably awesome, but that down swing is always around the corner. You might get back with him have a few good months but you and I both know that , within the year, he’ll be back to treating you like shit and hating himself. i say, let him be someone else’s problem. But , if you can, remain friends with him. It’s the dating aspect of this that’s impossible. Once you’re not his sole shoulder to lean on, you guys might actually get along better than ever.

Help me Dr. Tony!

I just got out of a 3 year relationship, and I don’t know how to handle this breakup.

As far as the relationship went, this was my first ever girlfriend which is probably significant. By the end of it, it was pretty bad. I’m not going to demonize her as I know I wasn’t the perfect guy either, we both made a lot of mistakes and did many stupid things. On a positive note, I’d say we both learned a lot and are better people now. On the other hand, I think our biggest mistake was dragging out the relationship when we both knew it wasn’t going to work. The last 6 months we never even had sex, on our anniversary she spent the whole day hanging out with her friends. I stopped caring about doing the little things that made her happy. Anyways…

She broke it off, and even though I KNOW it’s for the better and even though I’ve secretly wish I had the balls to have pulled the trigger sooner, I’m super depressed now, I miss her and I don’t know what to do. She wants to stay friends, and I want to as well because at this point 90% of my social circle is her original friends and I think I’d be even more depressed if I had to give that up as well. What fucks me up the most is that now I see posts on facebook/instagram of her out having fun and it makes me jealous that I’m not invited. Or else when we do hang out she’s got a new guy hanging off her, or else she talks about all the guys that are messaging her and wanting to date her, when I’ve got shit-all for women since we broke up.

At first I was drinking my sorrows away like every night but I realized that was pretty unhealthy and not helping so I stopped that. But at this point I’m still so depressed and I don’t know what to do. I feel really isolated because I’m so used to being out doing things with her but now I’m at home my myself almost all the time. I try to at least go and work out but even then I’m by myself at the gym and it’s lonely. When I was in the relationship I craved having time to just chill out and play video games or listen to music by myself. But now it’s swung so far the other way that I sometimes text her just fishing for an invitation to whatever thing she’s up to.

Why am I so unhappy so much now when I should be ecstatic that I’m out of a relationship that wasn’t healthy? How can I still be friends with her without the insane jealousy? How can I keep myself in my social circle with minimal awkwardness? Am I just blowing this all out of proportion?

Any advice is really appreciated!

This is your first real relationship. That alone is part of the reason. You know damn well it was a shit relationship but I think you’re in love the with the idea of being with someone. She’s obviously checked out and it’s bugging you how easily she did it. I don’t know if you’re jealous of the other guys she’s with as much as you’re jealous of her re-assimilation into her social life. From the sound of it, you may have been a loner prior to dating her (Just a guess, as you said all your friends were from her side of things). It’s real easy for me to tell you “Fuck it! go out and make friends!” but that’s obviously not something normal people just get up and do.
My advice is to do the following: Avoid her social networks. If that means unfollowing her, so be it. You can’t be friends right now. Maybe sometime down the line but you’re far too obsessed with what she’s doing and not thinking about what you should be doing. People work at different speeds. She was probably aching to jump ship for a while and already had the social circle to jump right in. Unfortunately , you do not. But the worst thing you can do is hang around her and text her all the time when she’s clearly checked out. Leave her be. This will all get better. This is your first relationship. They always end hard. You definitely need something to take your mind of it but i dunno what that is. A new girl. a hobby. Work.

Honestly, you sound like a lonely guy. you’re probably somewhat shy and not exactly socially dynamic. So, this process is going to take longer for you. But, it will pass. there will be a time when you look back on this girl and that relationship and laugh to yourself about it.
I’d also like to add that her bringing other dudes around you is pretty shitty but, at the same time, she’s making a clear statement: move on. It’s all you can really do.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 43

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It’s been a while since I doled out questionable advice to strangers. The time is right.
I’m no a doctor. I’m not even a college graduate. But I’m honest and will not pull punches. So, if you’d like some life advice, I’m here for you. A great source of anonymous words of questionable wisdom. If you have questions, send them my way: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. It’ll be our little secret.

Dr. Tony,

I’m curious whether or not you feel like I’ve made the right decision here. I recently had to break up with my girlfriend of three years (my first and only one). I’m in my early 20’s so we were together for a significant portion of my life. The girl I first started dating (up until the third year) truly was my ideal woman/mate. I had full intentions to spend the rest of my life with her.

A strong conviction I have is that I’m adamantly against drinking and doing drugs. That’s why when I met her and found out she had the same views, I was awestruck. I’ve always been against drinking and doing drugs but it’s been further corroborated over the years by friends of mine repeatedly ruining their lives for the stuff (a lot of them, though originally had bright futures, botched their chances for higher education and high-caliber careers, etc.). She was against drugs in sort of a born-again type fashion. She was a real hellion of a depressed teenager: promiscuity, drugs, self-harm, the whole nine yards. She finally woke up from that self-destruction literally when she woke up in a hospital bed after too many drugs. I found out all of this after about 6 months of us dating. It was difficult but I got over it. It happened before I even knew her. So those are our respective reasons for being drug-free.

We continued to see eye to eye for about the first two years. Then college had started to work on her and she was becoming more “open-minded” e.g. she didn’t seem so adamantly against drugs but I still never thought she’d do them (given her past & my feelings on them). As the school year once again commenced (approx. 4 months from the end), I occasionally would get paranoid and ask her if she was doing drugs and remind her that if she was, I couldn’t be with her. She always calmly reassure me that she absolutely wasn’t.

In that last semester, I noticed her definitely becoming more distant. It’d be an hour before I’d receive any texts back. She always acted/said she was tired/depressed (wouldn’t tell me why). I figured we were getting further along in college, we both had our fair share of school-work and work-work. So we were just busy and stressed and that was fine.

Fast forward to the final week. Friday 11/14, I attend her sorority’s formal. She asks if I want to hang out after but I have an LSAT practice test at 7am the following morning. I offer to hang out Saturday night. She agrees. Come Saturday night around 6pm, I start texting her to get plans situated. She tells me she’s tired. I question her being tired at 6pm but think nothing really of it and let her sleep. Sunday morning I ask if she wants to hang out, she agrees and so we establish at 8pm she’ll come to my place. Come 8pm, no sign of her. Come 8:30, I start getting concerned and text her. I start to check her social media to see when she was last on. I call her as I keep checking. No answer. I stumble upon an instagram picture she posted earlier that day. Depicting her and one of her girlfriends in between three guys who are well known drug-dealing scumbags, one of which is shoving his face into her face (she’s laughing in the picture). I call her again immediately and she picks up. It’s clear that I just woke her up. I ask her how she can be asleep. Didn’t she get like 18 hrs of sleep last night? I, of course, grill her about the picture. She assures that she only had one drink and she just met them at a party and talked about music for a little and that there was nothing of it. I’m fuming but I don’t break it off then. I want to believe her. I want to think that this relationship is salvageable. I hope that she’s just got drunk and it was a one time mistake. I’m messaging my friends and explaining the situation. A lot of them are telling me to jump ship. I truly want that to be my last resort. The next week I keep interrogating her but she’s deflects and denies everything (over the phone, she says she’s too busy most of the week to meet in person) . On Thursday, I finally see her in person…with a new addition. Earlier that day, she went out and got this giant-ass, eyesore of a nose ring. Obviously, this infuriates me. All of our conversations after then, she’s being a total bitch. Every conversation, she talks about how drugs really aren’t bad and how those scumbags in that picture aren’t really scumbags. She still keeps with her one-beer story and that they’re just friends she met once. For the next three days, I try desperately to get her to get back to normal (ie not a bitch). I do all these nice things. Take her out on dates. I hope she’s just saying those things to piss me off but of course, I’m still terribly paranoid.

Come Saturday night 11/23, I take her out to eat. Then we go back to her room and finish a movie we started the day before. By the end of it, she’s asleep. I know this is a move that is of much contention, but I felt it needed to be done. I took her phone and started going through it. Despite clear attempts to cover up (whole conversations deleted), every single one of my paranoid thoughts and theories spelled out right there in text messages with her friends. I find out, first of all, that over the summer, she would hang out and smoke pot with a guy friend we both had in high school (he was more her friend than mine. I stopped talking to him once he became a burnout). That was over the summer, too, ie no school, very little stress. With the school year, I find out that she was going out all the time. I find out that she was drinking and taking adderall regularly. I find out that on that Friday w/ the picture, she got drunk, smoked five cigs, smoked a shit load of pot, took a bunch of adderall, and snorted a line of vicodin. All of which, she got from the guy who had his face shoved in hers.

At this point, I’m wigging out and she wakes up. I demand that she explain each individual text to me. She calmly spouts out a lie for each one. Which I then proceed to completely dismantle with another text. This goes on until she finally gives in and tells a little of the truth. (That’s when I find out exactly what she did that Friday). I also find out that following Saturday, she went to that guy’s apartment with her girlfriend from the picture (I don’t buy the latter part). She claims that they just got drunk, but I’m certain there’s more to that story. I can’t get any truth from her unless I show undeniable proof (which usually is in the form of texts, her social media, etc.).

Even know after the break up, I’m still terrified over what I don’t know. Like I said, I was completely dedicated and devoted to this girl, knowing now what she was capable of is just horrifying. She claims that I was trying to control her too much. She says that my paranoia and “controlling nature” made her feel like she wasn’t in a relationship, which in turn made her want to rebel more. Since the break up, she’s been completely unmoved. She was completely unaffected by it. Within a week, she was on tinder. Within two weeks, she already has a new boyfriend. I still spend hours pouring over what exactly was happening when I was kept in the dark. As I see it, she was deliberately lying to my face for six months. Going behind my back and hanging out with other guys. On top of that, she was doing drugs which is a non-negotiable for me. The mother of my children will not be a druggie.

Am I being irrational here? Was I being too paranoid and controlling? Was I right to leave her? Should I bother attempting to rekindle later down the line?

Wow dude.
FIrst off, this is the longest letter I’ve ever gotten. Like…wow dude.
Okay, lots to cover here.
While your anti-drug and drinking stance is honorable it’s also heavy handed. It’s fine for you to want that for your life (and smart too) and it’s also fine to seek that out in a mate. But you’re obsessed with it, concerning this girl. Yes, she lied about doing drugs. She’s in the wrong there. But she lied about it cause you’re so crazy about the subject. It’s her body. It’s her life. SHe’s young. Now, I don’t wanna make light of drug use cause I don’t know this girl and how far down the depths she could fall but, in general, people in college party and have fun. From the sound of it, you’ve written off anyone in your life who’s ever partied in the mildest manner. It just comes off as judgmental and overbearing. We’ve all had friends get into drugs and get fucked up. I’ve lost a few friends to overdoses, just like most people. But you’re overwhelming obsession with it and your black and white thinking is going to drive anyone way who has even the mildest interest in doing drugs or drinking away from you. Like, take me, for instance. I’m not a drug guy. But reading your platitudes on the subject made me roll my eyes at times. So that’s one part of this. Yes, you are controlling and extremely judgmental. So, to a girl under your thumb, that will feel oppressive and get old very quick.
Secondly, we have your relationship. I’d say the distance and eventual break up is due to a few things.
1)You were too controlling
I know you did it for reasons you think are right (keeping her sober) but , in the end, it just sounds like your were projecting your values on her and if she couldn’t follow your rules then she wasn’t a person of any worth to you.
2)People change
You guys met over a common bond. She had a rough patch in her teens. She grew up. She went to college and probably realized “Oh wait…some of this stuff is actually fun”. Sure, that can be a dangerous way to think but , the thing is, you can’t do anything to change that. She’s gonna do what she does. She has free will. All you can do is decide if you want to be a part of that life or not. Clearly, You should not be.

You have a high moral ground you stand on and look down upon people from there. It’s fine and dandy but don’t be shocked when people (especially college students) start telling you to fuck off. I think this girl was not for you. She does things you don’t approve of and you seem like a very “my way or the highway” kinda dude. So, it wasn’t going to work. Honestly, you need to find yourself a nice christian girl who’s never smoked a cig in her life and is a virgin. maybe that will be enough. But just know that if you keep shoving your morals down peoples throats, often, those people will rebel. I don’t even know you and feel like you’re judging me. Live you life how you wanna live it. But it’s not your job to change other people. Work on yourself instead.

I would like to bring up a topic that needs reviving: the slut eye. Is it just me or is there an epidemic among a certain type of woman under 35 to throw the open for business look in all pictures? Power to them, i just dont have the time or patience to perfect the glare. I would also love to bring up that the slut eye has produced a side genre of the psycho eye. This is where in pictures some girls try to smile so big and make their eyes so intense that they come off insane. Ive spoke with a few european guys (german, french, romanian, english, spanish, admittedly only a couple or few of each, all seperate occasions) that all happened to bring up american women look very thirsty smiling so damn big and insane. I guess my question is have you seen the slut eye become more rampid or is it simply the norm now? Also, does the psycho eye read as desperate to guys like it does me? Or am i just struggling with my own resting bitch face tendencies?

I’ve always contended that slut eye (I prefer “Whore eyes”) is something you’re born with. Some girls have it and some don’t. Sure, girls can try and make it happen but it’s the naturals that really hold the key. The fucked up thing about whore eyes is that it’s actually just someone who has a face that seems warm and inviting. Most of the girls I know who have whore eyes are sweethearts with no outward intention of bedding every dude they meet. In fact, Whore eyes can almost be a problem. It’s a sexiness that, as a man, you can’t put your finger on and as the woman, you can’t turn off and on. It makes men think they have a chance when, in fact, they really don’t. They see that look and equate it to what you’re talking about in pictures. The fake bedroom eyes girls do in selfies and whatever. But, for a select few, that’s just how they look. All the time. It’s like resting bitch face but the opposite.
So, to answer your question, I think people trying to give slut eyes is definitely more of a thing now than ever as social media is everything to us. But the people who actually have those eyes? Its always been a select few. They have the power and they don’t even know it.
As for the psycho eye, I feel as though that translates more in person than in a photo. In pictures it just comes off as a girl smiling very hard. Which doesn’t give me feelings one way or another.

Hey, what up Tony.
So I’ve been dating this girl for about a month and we click really well. I really like her a lot. She’s very attractive and good conversation. Pretty great sex.
There is one problem though. Her pussy stinks. I’ve run into this a few times over the years, and it can be a deal breaker for me. Mainly cause I know how delectable pussy can be. I’ve smelled worse, but certainly better.
What the hell do I do here? I mean, going down on a girl is one of my favorite pastimes. I don’t know if I can stay with this girl.
Any ideas? I feel like a shallow sonofabitch.

Damn son. That’s one of those tricky problems that there isn’t a perfect answer for. Perhaps figure out WHY the pussy stinks and go from there? Is she unwell? Does she not clean? Is she extremely hairy? Does she not know how to wipe her ass? In my experience, those are the culprits. But if the puss just has a naturally bad odor to it…that’s just shitty. There really is no right way to approach this. Can you imagine telling a girl you like that her pussy stinks? I’d rather jump out of a window.
So, yeah…the best I can do it try and find if there is a reason for the stench and go from there. Who knows, it could be an easily fixed problem. I actually feel bad for the girl. But, then again, maybe her pussy stink is like bad breath to people with halitosis. It’s like they’re the only ones who don’t realize they have a mouth like a bum died in it.

I’m a dude, and I started going bald at 19, then reach basically George Costanza level by 22. I’m otherwise fairly confident with the way I look. I’m average height and athletic. I can pull off a shaved head, and keep it that way.

Going bald that young was really devastating though, and I think much different than starting after 30. People in that age range are especially brutal about it. There is discrimination in social and work environments. Both girls and guys feel like they constantly need to make harsh jokes or comment on it. Sometimes just approaching a girl (that I have no interest in) with a simple question, will get an eye roll or fuck-off attitude because they assume I’m trying to chat them up. I have thick skin, but all that shit starts to build up over time. So I got used to wearing a hat out in public, so I could carry on with school and work.

Fast forward a few years, and nothing’s changed. My problem now is that I usually meet girls with the hat on, and don’t know how or when to break it to them. I’ve had some girls just ask me straight up “what’s in the hat?” the first time we’re out together, I show them, and then things either move forward or don’t. It’s just more awkward to bring up on my own, without feeling like a magic trick or business transaction. I don’t want to be unfair and surprise anyone at the wrong time. What can I do when I’m interested in someone I just met, someone I’ve know for a while, or if someone is asking me out?

I’m sure some people will read this, and just think “don’t ever wear a hat, problem solved”, but unless they faced these same circumstances during the same years of their life, it may be hard to imagine.

Bro, I can relate to this deeply. My hair is no picnic either. I started losing it around 20 too…not anywhere nearly as fast as you though. I still have hair left. To have the constanza at 22? I can’t even imagine.
There really is no right answer. I think us balding people look at our hair like it’s an STD. Like we wear that hat but , eventually, it’s gonna come off and the truth will be revealed. So, might as well tell them before hand. It’s a no win situation cause the girl is either in or out on bald dudes. some girls care, some don’t. The older you get, the less they care but still, can you blame a girl for preferring a dude with a full head of hair? I think about how shallow I can be as a man and it’s only right. It sucks but it’s how it is.
You say you can pull of a shaved head. That’s great. That means you’re better off than bald dudes who can’t. Often just rocking that look with confidence is enough. Not to mention, facial hair doesn’t hurt either. A dude with a bald head and not facial hair may think he looks like bruce willis but he actually looks like charlie brown.
All I can really say is you gotta be charming. Be an awesome enough guy that when the hat comes off, she’s already into you. That’s all you can really do. Trust me, I could write a book on the neurosis of losing your hair. It’s the worst. There is nothing worse than talking to a girl at a bar, with a hat on, than her grabbing at it to put it on her head, only to reveal your shameful truth. It’s brutal. So, yeah man…I feel your pain deeply. I hope you have a good personality and meet one of those girls who doesn’t care as much. They definitely exist.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 42

Copy (2) of bad-advice
Hellooooooo. It’s time once again for “Ask Dr. Tony”. I’m not licensed to drive, let alone give you any sort of real life answers but, you know what? Fuck all that. I’m a level headed and honest guy. I will tell you how it is without petting your fragile ego. At least as I see it.
So, if you have any life problems that an aging hip hop producer might be able to help you with, send them my way. Email me questions- phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. It’s all anonymous. This is a safe place.

Greetings blockhead. Need an opinion. So I broke up with girl A around new years and parted ways. Was planning on marrying this one but didn’t happen since she became a drug addict and things got ugly. Well after this break up she moved back with mom and dad across the country and we remained friends. Now she’s clean, back on her feet and offered to fly me down for my birthday in march. Well after said plans I started seeing girl B and things are going well. Basically I know if I go I’ll end up cheating on girl B, if we’re still together, and that will turn me into a scumbag. Basically I have 0 physical resistance to girl A. What’s a guy to do???

Hmm…I hate to be vague guy over here but that really depends on you. Do you see a future with girl B? Or is she just someone you like enough to hang around with but don’t really want a long term life with? Also, what’s the end game with Girl a? Could you be with her again, now that she’s clean? Is that even possible , considering she no longer lives near you?
Seems to me, from a logical standpoint, you’d be flying out to see this girl just to have sex with her, in spite of your current relationship. There’s no future in that. However, if Girl B is not someone you think of as a long term person , then maybe this is your way of weaseling out of that relationship.
All I can say is, if you do go see girl A, break up with girl B first. It’s the honorable thing to do. If you’re too much of a pussy to do that, then just cheat. Cause it clearly seems like you have your mind made up.

So I’ve fallen in like with this girl. Problem is she’s on Twitter. She doesn’t exist in reality. She’s almost like a fantasy. She’s a beautiful Russian/Jewish woman from Canada and I just can’t get enough of her. She’s smart, insightful, a sense of humor, easy to talk to. I’ve gone so far as to DM her and even exchange emails so I can show her some stuff I write from time to time. Oh, and she’s mentioned a boyfriend. So the realist in me says the DMs/convos are nothing more than a friendly gesture. She’s like 30, older woman, in a relationship, different country and who knows what the Fuck else. We live our separate lives. But there’s another side of me that says Fuck it if all of these things are true and I can’t make the relationship progress any further why not tell her how I feel? What have I to lose but the specter of an internet relationship that couldn’t have gone anywhere anyhow? So my main questions are should I tell her? And how do you feel about this social network era we’re living in? Doesn’t this aspect of it suck?

Bro, back away from the computer and let her be.
You ever been talking to a girl at a bar and within minutes of the harmless conversation she mentions her boyfriend? That’s code for “This is just friendly and nothing else. Don’t get the wrong idea”. If a person makes their significant other known it’s for a reason. It is only another way when they bring it up but start complaining about that person. Then I could see why your ears might perk up. But that doesn’t sound like what’s going on here at all.
My guess would be she’s friendly and doesn’t view you as anything more than an internet acquaintance. She’s older, taken and doing fine in life. I don’t imagine she’s trolling twitter for dick from dudes in other countries. That said, if this is something you can’t hold in, there is 100% no harm in letting her know. The downside of that, however, is that she will most likely reject you and never interact with you again. Cause, as little as you have got to lose by telling her, is as little as she’s got to lose by politely saying “No thanks” then blocking you on all social networks.

Hey tony, my boyfriend and i have been goin strong for about 7 or 8 months, no complaints, very content together. I feel shallow even thinking this but the way he eats drives me insane. He chews with his mouth open loudly and will talk while pigging out. He also has a fungus on both his big toes that i know he could treat with some effort. Is there a way i can tell him or things i can do to nudge him in the right direction? Im not the best at being delicate sometimes i tend to be blunt about things but i dont want to come off asa controlling bitch. Please help

Hmm…shitty habits of your partner. That’s a tough one. I’d say the toe thing is more likely fixable. It effects his health and is clearly disgusting. So, even though he may be a gross person who willingly lives with toe fungus, perhaps all he needs is a push. Maybe link him with a podiatrist and make up some scary toe fungus facts that might scare him into fixing the issue.
As for the eating thing…that’s harder. I think you fully have the right to say something to him but it’s impossible to not make it sound like nagging. That’s something a mom would nag her son about. That’s a tricky dynamic to pull off. No girlfriend wants to be like a mother to her man. Well, some do but that’s an entirely different topic. Sadly, this problem with how he eats is more your problem than his in that I bet he doesn’t even realize he does it and couldn’t stop if he wanted to. You just happen to be grossed out by it (understandably so). So, you could say something to him about for sure…I just wouldn’t expect much results. Also, your boyfriend sounds like a total fucking slob.

Dear Tony,

So I’ll start from the top. I met a girl about 2 years ago through going to shows. We started seeing each other more and more and I eventually asked her out on a date. We hit it off immediately, but both of us had reservations about having a real relationship. I’ll also note that she has a kid from a previous relationship, and she has told me that she cheated in her previous relationship.

As we hung out more and more, we eventually fell into a relationship and it was pretty amazing at first. However, this girl is extremely flirtatious and has trouble turning down attention from the opposite sex, whether I am within view or not. I tried and tried to contain my jealousy, but its a real emotion and I should have taken the way it made me feel more seriously. Her selfishness doesn’t allow room for considering other’s feelings. RED FLAG

Anyways, she acted on some opportunities in more than one situation. To my knowledge, she says she has never slept with anyone while we were together, but my idea of cheating includes seeking any level of intimacy with someone other than your partner. She had a little fling when on a family vacation, which I found out about way after the fact. Then we went to a festival in another country, and I caught her making out with this random guy on the ground. In that situation, I think she actually got roofied, and I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t found her. Still doesn’t excuse her putting herself in that situation. RED FLAG

We took a break after that, but ended up back together again. Then she ALMOST got in a threesome with a dysfunctional couple, but removed herself from the situation and called me and said how bad she felt. That was strike three, and I know I should have ended it there but I made a pact that if it happened again I would end it. RED FLAG

Well, then we decided, lets get a place together! Cause that will magically solve things. I still can’t figure out why she agreed to do it if she wasn’t willing to commit. I tried to get over her past indiscretions, but my trust was gone. I ended up looking at her Facebook messages and told her (it ended up being an old set of messages from before we were dating) but she threatened me by saying “I’ll give you a reason not to trust me!” RED FLAG

She ended up going to a show with friends from work on a Friday and I had a bad feeling. I asked her the next day if she had kissed anyone, and she said no. The next morning I woke up and remembered a dream where she left me for another guy. RED FLAG

We go to dinner with her friends from work (she tried to back out), and I noticed she was talking to another guy a lot. Didn’t think much of it until she was texting nonstop on the way home. We get into bed and she says we are moving too fast and one of us needs to move out (1 year and 10 months into the relationship). I ask if there is another guy and she says yes. I considered entertaining an open relationship, but my lack of trust and her lack of respect will likely prevent that from ever working.

Phew. That was a lot. Anyways, on to my question: I have broken up with her, but we still live together. We still run in the same crowd and go to the same shows. How do I truly end this in a peaceful manner and move on? How do I stop thinking that I still need her in my life? I feel like we could be friends eventually, but dragging this out now may kill that chance.

She’s clearly not a girl you can ever seriously date. Look at all the red flags (side note: you having a dream about her leaving you doesn’t count as a red flag).
I realize this is much easier to see and rationalize from the outside looking in but I feel as though resentment alone should have driven you away from this girl. Is she that great? Is the pussy that bomb? To me, she sounds like a nightmare. Dating a girl who is a flirt is never easy but add on that she’s a born cheater and you might as well just jump off a building instead of instilling any trust or emotion into her.
The best way to peacefully move on is let her be. Let her do what she’s gonna do and don’t take it personal. She’s gonna do the same shit to the next guy. Sadly, there is no real way to stop how you feel and stop your mind from thinking about what could be. The best you can do is always focus on the bad shit and apply it to your life. Like “Hmm…she cheated on me a lot and made me feel like an insecure piece of shit”. Or “There is no way in hell I could ever truly trust this person”.
Dude, she had you considering polyamory and I’m willing to bet she didn’t even put it on the table. That’s was you just grasping at straws to keep her.
Forget being friends. If that happens it happens, For the time being you just gotta be cordial but uninvolved in her life. Trust me, there are plenty of girls who will go to shows with you.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol 41

ASKME
Welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”.
YOu ask for my advice, and I do my best to give you honest solutions. I’m not a licensed anything but I will shoot straight with you cause, well, I don’t know you and have nothing invested in your problems. It’s no skin off my back to tell you the truth.
If you’re having some life issues that need an outside opinion, holler at your boy. Email me questions at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments. It’s all anonymous. This is a safe place for you and your problems.
Here’s this editions bounty.

So I met this chick and we really hit it off. She told me she had a slutty past but learned blah blah blah. I got along with her so well that I looked past that and also didn’t feel like I had the right to judge. Although it is applicable knowledge.
We hook up for about two weeks and shes telling me she loves me and all this shit. I never said it back because to me thats too early and kind of crazy. I rolled with it because we got along so well. Anyways, one day she stops hooking up with me and asks for space. I was fine with that and didn’t ask why just gave her space.She was a bit intense for me so I thought space would be good. Well we dont hook up again but remain friends.
A week later, we’re at a bar and she gets drunk and starts acting pretty “open for business” and picks up a dude right in front of me. I get pissed we exchange words.
Anyways, we become friends again but I told her I wasnt going to do datey shit with her because I’m not going to be that dude. She’s cool with that. But then one night we watch a movie and hook up again. She doesn’t remember because we were both wasted.
She flirts with me all the time. But then were at the bar again and she gets drunk and turns into the drunk “open for business” self and picks up a dude right in front of me after she tells me shes going home with me. I send her some mean texts drunk and apologize the next day. She tells me to stop being a bitch after I tell her what she did (she didn’t remember). I cut communication with her after we exchanged some words cause I don’t like to be talked to that way.
I still want to be friends with her but always feel real awkward as a friend and a past lover when she gets wasted at a bar and goes full blown sexual fiene. Other than that she’s an awesome person and I really enjoy her company. Half of me is like “Fuck no. Why would I ever want to date this mess?”. Other half enjoys her company so much that I start developing feelings. Should I just cut her off?

It sounds to me that you want to have your cake and eat it too. You don’t wanna date her, you wanna be her friend, but you also don’t want to see her out meeting other guys. Well, guess what? You don’t have any say in the matter. She can do whatever she wants. She doesn’t owe you anything. If this means you guys can’t be friends, then that’s what will have to happen. This “friendship” sounds based entirely on whether or not you can handle your own jealousy. She’s obviously less checked in on that emotional level (with you, at least) so she sounds like she’ll roll with the punches.
I gotta say, any time an ex lover writes scorned emails/texts, they lose. Straight up. It’s showing all the cards in your deck to a person who’s not even playing poker with you.
From the sound of it, you two could be friends, have sex on occasion and it would be okay. At least for her. But if this is something you simply cannot do without feeling some sort of way about it, then I think it’s best to extract yourself from the situation. It seems like, regardless of your history and your opinions of her actions, you do kinda like her (in that “more than a friend” kinda way). If you didn’t, none of this would bother you as much as it does. Otherwise, you’re just being overly possessive of someone who is definitively not yours.
All i can say is evaluate your true feelings about this girl and make a decision. If it’s too much for you to see her “open for business” it may be time to shut down shop for good.

Ok so about four months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of 10 months. It was arguably the most emotionally all-over-the-place relationship I’ve ever been in, and even with that in mind, It was the best. About a month after we broke up we bumped into each other, and thats when shit got complicated. It was basically one of those “one thing led to another” type scenarios and at the end of it I realized I was more in love with the idea of her than I actually was with her, so I had to put the brakes on it again, which really hurt her. That whole thing lasted about a week. Flash forward to the present, there’s this girl that I’ve recently met who’s honestly awesome. We’ve really hit it off and I feel like, it it all goes well, it could totally work out. My concern lies with the fact that I still feel really guilty about my ex. If I’m still feeling that way, should I just pause what’s going on between me and this other girl? Is there more of a waiting period? Or am I just over analyzing it?

Oh, the good old “memories are better than the reality” part of break ups. Been there, bro.
I’m not clear on where you guilt is coming from. Cause you hooked up with her again? I’m assuming that’s what it is and now I guess she thinks it’s a new start? Well, you gotta be a man and nip that in the bud. You already know it’s not going to work. That inkling you had of “maybe this isn’t the right thing to do” is usually spot on and will only grow if you were to stick it out and see what happens.
Unless you fucked your ex over, I don’t think you need to be guilty about anything. Relationships come and go. I’m assuming you’re not old and didn’t have kids with her so, what’s the big deal? A 10 month relationship is a blip of time, when you think about it. If you like this new girl, there should be nothing stopping you from moving forward. The waiting period is really on a person to person basis. If you feel ready to move on, then do it. If you think you can’t be 100% there for this new girl, then give it a minute. I would only warn that if this is all about the feelings of the girl you broke up with and not about how you feel (as far as being ready to move on) then you’re gonna shoot yourself in the foot.

this is going to sound so narcissistic, but I have a problem where boys get obsessed with me. ex. I’ve had 3 boyfriends all range in age and careers and hobbies and all have restraining orders

first one I married he was a year younger then I. nice-ish guy sexual we were to and fro he played music, skater, he joined the air force smart guy. threatened to kill me and then himself. I now have a military restraining order against him. only pot involved we didn’t drink. this was a 6 year relationship never cheated

next guy I dated was 10 years older, total douche, but really funny, went to college into space and science,
sex was awful two minutes every two weeks.
everything else was ok we didn’t fight or anything he just snapped because I called him out on our sexual issues and he ended up braking my phone so I beat him up with my bare hands and got arrested and went to jail for domestic violence until he got the charges drop because he’s family raged on him for being a little bitch. I started dating another guy not to long after him and I broke up. Then he started watching me across the street at my work and have my new guy jumped. restraining order against him as well. pot and alcohol involved. 2 years never cheated

next guy is the WORST the guy I mentioned in the story above as being the “new Guy”
This guy is 13 years older then I. Comes from a millionaire family, confirmed by his mother. He has a Doctoriet in Architecture , dated models and soap oprha stars, some of the best sex ever 22 hours is our max (drug free) 2 hours daily. cool right….nope dude was fucking crazy and used scare tacts and abuse to keep me around it worked for about a year he came to my job and called my boss with not nice things to say when I left. I lost a lot. breeze blocks by alt j video makes me sick it’s so familiar. I’m to scared to get a restraining order but I need one. Just a bunch of pot heads. never cheated

How I view myself, I’m not all that good looking. Not super advanced in anything not the schooling type. I’m fucking cool and pretty funny. super positive and optimistic but I love being a blunt bitch. Not stupid and I don’t like to argue.I like me but not as much as everyone else likes me. I’m amazing in bed.(the only thing I can think of why they are obsessed) I’m lazy but I have a lot of health problems that weigh me down. not to mention being stalked and the social anxiety it has produced. It’s not just them everyone that I open up to tends to crave my attention. It’s over whelming and fucking with my head.

you are popular and must get a lot of attention even way to much attention that you can do with out from the ladies for your musical talent.

How do you deal with that?

how does your girlfriend deal with that?

What is the craziest fan you have ever came across?

How did you deal with that?

how do you avoid crazy obsessive people?

I don’t wanna be a dick here but either you’re a toxic person , you attract toxic people or both. Normal people don’t deal with this kinda shit on a continuous basis. It’s like that person you know who’s always got beef with people and who constantly has inexplicable shitty things happening to them but they always find a place to drop the blame. When, in reality, it’s usually their fault. Very few people actually live under a black cloud. Most manufacture their own.
I honestly can’t compare anything that’s every happened in my life to anything you just listed cause I’m not that guy. I’m actually the opposite. I seek out calm and structure. I’ve never been one attracted to drama and , in general, I’m so even keel that it’s infuriated people I’ve dated. I don’t get super angry about anything (within reason). I don’t argue. I’m just not that guy. So all the things you’re talking about, to me, make you sound like a crazy person or someone who has really bad radar when it comes to finding appropriate people to date. I mean, sure, your sex could be really good but it’s never that simple. Pussy is pussy. Dick is dick. There’s a mental aspect to this all that probably is way deeper than you even realize.
So, to answer your questions, I don’t deal with that. I avoid people who are crazy and generally have my guard up.
My Gf doesn’t have to deal with it cause I don’t allow that toxic shit in my life.
The craziest fan I’ve come across? hmm…probably someone online. In person, the worst it’s gotten is just some person who won’t stop talking to me at the merch booth and who is clearly very intoxicated. But the online people can get pretty weird. The beauty of that is I can just not respond or I can block them from whatever social network they’re reaching out to me over.
I avoid crazy obsessive people simply by paying attention. Those types don’t all of a sudden appear. The signs are there. I’ve never met a person like that who I didn’t immediately get that vibe from and , at that moment, begin distancing myself from them. Those types are generally obvious. Unless they are sociopaths but I’m pretty guarded when it comes to really letting a person into my world. I’m friendly and will talk to anyone but there’s a line of trust and actually knowing someone that they have to reach before it becomes anything more than passing pleasantries.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 40

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Hello all and welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. That’s me. I’m not certified to drive a car, let alone fix peoples personal problems but I’ve been told I give good honest advice. You are strangers, therefor, I have no horse in this race. All i can do is tell you what I think is real. So, if you have any life questions, send them my way. Leave them in the comments below or email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com it’s 100% anonymous and no one will know it’s you. What a perfect deal for both of us!
Anyway, here’s this weeks questions…

Yo Dr. Tony,

So, there’s this cute girl who works at the coffee shop bakery near my house, that I really want to talk to. Problem is, she’s not a barista, she works in the back (I think she bakes cakes, and shit), and she’s always rushing back and forth from the bakery to the front.

Anyways, I’m pretty sure she’s at least interested, because, even though she appears to be in a rush, she ALWAYS makes lingering eye contact with me and smiles. Even when I’m not looking in her direction, I can still see her eyeing me. So, I feel like she’s giving me an invitation to talk to her, but, not the time to actually do so. And the way this coffee shop is set up, if I were to jump out of my seat, I would knock over everything around me. Not to mention the fact that she’s working and that’s super awkward, anyways.

Seriously, I’m at a loss, here. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

This is actually something I can relate to as I worked in what sounds like a similar bakery/coffee shop for like 8 years when I was younger. That behind the counter life is interesting. I will say that meeting customers and hooking up with them is never easy. For one, you’re at work. It’s bad business to just start hitting on someone who patronizes the establishment. Flirting, however, is never a bad idea (and great for tips).
However, as a customer, it’s just as tricky. If you misread her cues, all of sudden you’ve made it awkward and pretty much have to find a new coffee shops to go to. In my experience, the over the counter hook up is very difficult and takes one of the people just throwing all their cards on the table. This means, you either gotta just put yourself out there or not. You gotta casually slip her your number or tell one of the other people who work there to do it for you. Either way, it will be humiliating.
Honestly, the most ideal thing would be to run into her outside of the coffee shop. Not to be a creep about it but if you can find where she hangs out, this would speed the process immensely and not force you to throw it all out there while she’s at work. Also, seeing people like that in normal life will give you a much better idea of what she’s feeling towards you. For all you know, she’s just a friendly person who makes too much eye contact.
I recall , when I worked at the bakery, there was a cute girl who would come in all the time We’d small talk and that was it. I saw her out at a bar one night , drunk as fuck, and flirted with her harmlessly. The next week I was working, she called the bakery and asked me out. That was some bold shit. I’m saying, if a girl can do that, surely you can do the same (assuming the signs point to that being a good idea).

Dear Dr. Block

This might be a super simple issue but I need your honesty for this.
So, about 2 months ago I was with a good friend (we don’t hang around a lot but I really value him as a person, we talk about some deep issues and shit) and long story short, he told me that he liked the same girl I liked before I was about to tell him the same thing. That resulted to me shutting up and actually trying to force these two to be together for the rest of the summer. The thing is, the girl wasn’t really into my friend, the whole situation didn’t work out and she actually started talking and hanging around with me more frequently despite me being a bit more distant than usual.
Other details:
I am really into this girl. I seriously like her a lot.
All three people will live in different cities next year.
I am a decent listener + we don’t really flirt = I might just be her friendzoned psychologist or whatever.
What should I do? Should I ask my friend if he is ok with it and go for it? (I think I am for a holiday+skype kind of relationship) Should I tell my friend my whole story regardless? Should I move on?

Thanks in advance.

You need to walk up to him, put your hand on his shoulder and say “Listen man, your bitch chose me”, and walk away.
just kidding. But wouldn’t that be amazing?
This is tough. It’s a shitty situation to be put in entirely cause he mentioned the girl first. If he had waited and you aid it first, none of this would happen. Funny how that works. Anyway, I’m a fan of just taking a deep breath and discussing it with your friend like a fully realized adult. He tried and failed. You allowed and even serviced that failure. If he’s an even remotely decent person, he’ll understand. If he gets all salty and this effects your friendship, he’s petty bitch and will need to just get over it. Men laying claim on women they are yet to even know to be possible matches is corny to me. Dating is a very “every man for himself” kinda thing. Sure, you don’t wanna step on peoples toes if they’re obviously hooking up but to take yourself out of the running cause the other dude simply likes her? It’s a nice thing to do (and you did the honorable thing by falling back in the first place) but it’s not part of the game.
It should also be said that, if you had any concrete idea that this girl was into you, it would justify this whole thing much more. From the sound of it, you’re taking a risk even trying. You guys don’t even flirt? That’s fucking weird. You’re really swinging for the fences trying to convert this crush into something more but, hey ,if that’s what you want to do, might as well see what happens. Maybe you’ll strike out too and it will bring you and your friend even closer because of it. Brothers in failure.

Dr. T,
Long story short, after I graduated college, I lost touch with all of my friends. It’s been a while and I don’t really see us ever hanging out again. I have a girlfriend and she is my best friend but I also really need some guy friends. Like bros who I can talk about bro stuff with that a gf won’t always understand. My questions is, how does a guy in his 20s meet dudes to hang with and how do you reach a point in hanging where you can share bro-feelings (different than actual feelings, you know?)?

This may be the first time someone saying “long story short” actually delivered on the promise. For that, I thank you.
Hmm…I gotta say, I find it strange when anyone doesn’t have friends of their own gender. How does one lose touch with every one they know from high school and college? I still have friends I know from grade school and little league and I’m nearing 40. I suppose you moved away and that was that?
This is tough cause girlfriends and friends are different things entirely. It’d be nice if they weren’t but they are. You 100% need buddies. Not just for the outlet of human experience but cause it’s gonna be hard to have a healthy relationship when the only person you interact with is your girl. That’s just begging to be a co-dependant relationship. It’s also gonna give you a serious lack of perspective on things. We all need multiple outlets.
Now, your question is pretty much the story line to “I love you, man”. I can’t really say there’s a clear answer here. Join a sports team? Bar league softball maybe? I don’t know what you’re into but take an interest you have and seek out like minded people. You like video games? Go find some video game nerds. You like reading? find a book club. you’re a drinker? Find a local bar and immerse yourself in it. Basically, find a hobby that enables you to be social and take it from there.
I gotta admit that this is a really hard question for me to relate to. I’d lose my mind if I didn’t have multiple friends outside of my girl. And Im sure she feels the same way. It’s very crucial. You need to live your own lives.

Do you ever dream with any of your exes? Whenever I do it’s always with the same ex and it’s fucking weird now. I don’t dream with any of my other exes just him.. I dated him my sophomore year of high school for like two months. I was his first girlfriend, really liked him. We broke up tho cause I was a shitty girlfriend to be honest. Years after though we kept cool. We’d talk to eachother on facebook n stuff. Hung out with him, maybe a year or two ago and it was super awkward, I was super quiet, we didn’t really talk and we haven’t talked since ha! I seriously don’t know why outta all my exes I only dream with him. Its starting to freak me out, at first it was like “aw” now it’s just plain weird haha. What do you think it is?

Sadly, I rarely remember my dreams so my ex’s don’t really come into play.I’d say they more pop up during random daydreams. Like, a memory will flash into my head then disappear. Stuff like that.
I’m not a dream specialist (obviously) but maybe this guy keeps popping in your head cause you feel guilty about things went between you guys. You claim to have been a shitty girlfriend to him. Maybe that shittiness left a mark in you for some reason. I mean, the obvious answer is that you still have feelings for him on some deep seeded level but I don’t know. You see like you’re not exactly pining for the guy. He might just represent that era of your life and , for some reason, your brain keeps going back to it. Or, maybe, you guys never closed the deal sexually and your brain is telling you to call him up, have an awkward convo with him, meet up and have even more awkward sex with him. You never know! Try fucking him and see if the dream stopped. Worse case scenario, you have some bad sex. Life goes on.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 39

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Hello there and welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. This is where you ask me for advice. Why? No clue. I’m not a licensed anything and have no background in this sort of thing. However, I am someone who will be honest and give you an opinion or advice without
any agenda. I don’t know you or your girl or your friends. All i know is the words you send me. I’m here to help. Well, as much as a stranger on the internet possibly can via an advice column on his blog.
You need any life guidance? Don’t hesitate to ask. Send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. Don’t be shy. This is all anonymous. I promise to never blow up spots in here. That would defeat the purpose.
Anyway, lets check this installments batch out. Let’s fix lives, guys!

So there’s a girl who I asked out about 3 months ago. She has similar interests as me and we went out (basically a walk tru the woods.) We just talked and such. I later asked her out to lunch and same thing. Again I ask her out to lunch and 30 mintues after the time she texts me to say she didn’t have her phone on her and had to stay after work. She then rescheduled same time next week. So we meet and talk, etc. At this point I feel like shes not the slightest bit interested and havent talked to her since. I don’t know if thats the case or not because she is incredibly shy. She never contacted me outside of of the times I contacted her. Im still interested in her, but I don’t want to bother if she shes not interested. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Sounds to me like she’s not feeling you, bro. If she’s shy, she’s also probably very nice which means she’s not trying to hurt anyones feelings. So, when she’s accepting date offers (even creepy walks through the woods) she’s most likely doing so cause she’d rather not let you down and come off as rude. At least in person.
One simple thing I’ve learned about gauging another persons interest is that if they want to see you, they will see you. They will make time. They will return texts and calls. They will , regardless of schedule , find a way to make it happen cause they truly want to be around you. People are busy…but very few people are THAT busy. You can always tell a relationship is coming to an end when one person all of a sudden becomes super “Busy” and they no longer can make time for you. That’s just them creating distance and leading into you two having a talk about how this isn’t working out. Depending on level of cowardice, this could last anywhere from a week to a year.
In your case, you didn’t even get to that part. She went on that date, wasn’t into it and that’s that. So, if I were you, I’d drop this one completely and keep it moving.

Hey Block,
Here’s my dilemma, I met a girl on a plane last month and a couple weeks after that she came to visit me. We had a great time together even though we only saw each other for less than 24 hours. (I like her as well) We still talk every day and she’s expressed how much she likes me several times. She plans on visiting again in a month. She lives in Hawaii and will be returning to school in Sweden where she still has another year or two left.

Two weeks ago I met a local girl and I’ve taken her on a few dates and we hit it off pretty well, she’s not nearly as attractive as the Hawaii girl but we have a lot in common and its convenient. We made out on the second date, but when I invited her to my place she refused and wanted to take it slow.

I don’t really want to take it slow with the local girl (I’m not a relationship type person at all) but I also would like to stay in touch with her after the girl from Hawaii visits in a month.

I’m not really sure how to move forward with all this, I kind of feel bad about hooking up with another girl while the girl in Hawaii is really into me, but at the same time we’re not in a committed relationship.
Should I be upfront with the local girl next time I see her and tell her I’m not in this for a relationship? Or let this ride out to see where it goes?
Am I an asshole for leading two girls on?

Unless you’re leaving certain details out, I wouldn’t say you’re leading either of these girls on. You’re a single guy being single. You’re “dating”. In the case of the hawaiian girl, you don’t really have to explain anything to her. She’s a girl you could never date seriously, due to distance, so all you gotta do with her is be cool and see her when you see her. She definitely doesn’t need to know about any other girl. With her, it should all be about fun. For both of you. When you hit it off with someone who is an impossibility, it’s almost like having the best parts of a new relationship without all the pressure and expectations. Just ride that out and enjoy it for what it is.
As for the Local girl, yes, you should tell you’re not into being in a relationship. You should do that with EVERY girl you date if you’re gonna be one of those guys. Especially if she’s already asking about it. Clearly, she is asking for a reason. If you lead her on, you’re a liar. Back in the days of yore, when I was single and not looking for anything serious, I was always very clear about my intentions. It may seem harsh but it made my life exponentially easier. Sure, it meant i didn’t get to have sex with a girl here and there but those are the breaks when you’re a single guy not looking for anything serious. If the girl isn’t down for that, you can’t trick them into it just so you can bust a few nuts. Eventually, the shit will hit the fan when you toy with peoples emotions.
Side note about this, this reminds me of a situation I had in college. There was this girl I hooked up with the last week of school. I had a huge crush on her and pretty much spent the latter year of my freshman year chasing her. So, as the school year ended, I headed into my summer pretty happy we hooked up. Problem was, she lived like 7 hours away. But there were plans to meet over the summer. At this point, I had already dropped out of school and knew I wasn’t going back so, even though I was excited to see her, I also was crazy to think it would become anything more than casual. Still, I was 18 and 18 years olds aren’t exactly logical when it comes to their emotions. That summer, I was working at a record store and one of my co-workers was this super cute girl who liked me. I was into her but always kept a distance cause of the girl from college. I basically passed up on the co-worker girl, who live in the city I lived in, simply cause my basic ass mind thought it would be unfair to the college girl I had no future with. To this day I look back on that and kick myself.
My point is, if you’re single, you’re single. If you’re the type of guy who doesn’t want a relationship, then live that way for real. Just don’t lie to girls about your intentions cause then you’re an asshole.

So i’ve been talking to this guy I met on twitter, who I also text with, for two years now. 100% sure he’s not a catfish. Everytime we talk it’s always small talk bullshit and/or flirting. Which is okay but i’m kinda tired of it now. I’ll sometimes ask em if he wants to talk on the phone but he never wants to. I wanna have actual conversations with him and it just never happens. I doubt we’ll ever meet each other. But I just wish he’d open up more, n actually wanna talk. I feel like I want more of him than he’s willing to give. I feel like I care about this dude more than he does. Females huh..Honestly I don’t know why i’m even trippin off him. I met him on twitter LOL. Should I even trip is my question?

Uh…yeah. This dude doesn’t give a fuck. If i had to make a guess, he’s a scum bag on twitter who’s looking to get laid. You’re only as important to him as you are near to him. If he thought he could hit it, he’d probably be a lot more willing to chat on the phone and put in the work. I’m assuming you guys don’t live near each other so he’s probably just doing just enough to keep you around on the off chance you’re even in the same place at the same time. You know, real gentleman stuff. Also, you never know what his situation is. For all you know, he might live with his girl or have kids. After all, this is twitter. A place where liars flourish and fake lives are the norm.
So, to answer your questions, no, you should not trip. You shouldn’t even give a shit in the slightest. He’s a dude you met on twitter, for christ sake. Do you go to sleep staring at his avatar? All this should be to you is fun flirting.
Also, think of it this way. If you’re talking to him on twitter, imagine how many other girls he must have around him in real life and on other social networks. Twitter isn’t exactly a place where long lasting couples have met and flourished. All I’m saying is temper your expectations of anyone you meet via 140 characters or less.

Block,

What are signs you’re dating an asshole? What are signs you’re dating someone who isn’t a good fit for you?

Thanks. You’re a hero.

Well, one sign would be asking this question. I’m willing to bet you are dating an asshole if you’re willing to take the time to send me this questions in the first place.
I’d say signs of dating assholes are fairly obvious. Ask yourself these questions
1)Do all your friends not like him/her?
2)Does he/she make you feel like you’re always wrong
3)does he/she talk down to you?
4)Does he/she never bring you around their friends?
5)Is he/she far less available to you than you think they can be?
6)If you removed sex from the equation, do you think this person would still want to hang out with you?
Man, reading that list reminds me what a complete shithead I was in my early 20’s, Ouch.
Now, being an asshole and being a “good fit” are two different things. It’s very possible for someone to be a bad match for you and not an asshole. I feel as though a lot of people sometimes date just for the sake of dating. They’ll let a relationship last way longer than it has any reason to simply cause they want it to work. Dating people who you don’t have much in common with and who don’t really mesh with your personality is not at all uncommon. Usually, it’s just two people who are attracted to each other who have no business being anything more that fuck buddies. So, if you and this person simply “get along”, that’s not enough. I get along with the dude at the deli on my corner, that doesn’t mean he should be my best friend.It just means we’re both civil, polite people. So, apply that to how you and this guy/girl get along. Can they definitively hang? If not, it’s not meant to be. Don’t take it hard. Some people simply love to be in love but they often force the issue and end up in a relationship that should have never started in the first place.

Ask Dr. Tony vol. 38

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Oh hello there. Welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. While my name is Tony, I am not actually a doctor. In fact, i dropped out of college after one year and never looked back. That said, though my qualifications are shady at best, i do think I give good honest advice. Especially to strangers that I have no emotional connection to whatsoever. I got no reason to lie to you or blow smoke up your ass. Might as well be brutally honest. So, if you want some advice (Life, love or other), send me a question. I’d love to try and help you see the light. Email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. it’s all anonymous so don’t worry about exposing yourself. No one knows you, it’s the internet.
Let’s see what was in the mail bag this week…

I recently got back together with an ex and could use your input.

Obviously, you’re not a fan. I didn’t think I was either. However, I realized that I do still have feelings for this guy and he never really stopped trying to get me back for the two years that we were apart (together 4 years before that). Before we broken up he had gotten me a ring (that I didn’t know about) and he would always say that it’s here waiting for me and that he cried every day for months when we broke up. We were best friends and it definitely sucked to be apart, although necessary. I’m proud of him for getting his life together, considering him having a dead-end job, etc and me moving for an awesome job was the cause of our demise. We’ve both matured a lot of made some positive life changes.

So far things are going well but I am having a lot of insecurity over the fact that while, yes, he kept in contact with me, he did have two other girlfriends. Both of which he broke up with to try to talk to me again. Obviously, the dude is hardcore crazy about me and is going above and beyond to prove that now that we are back together. I love him. My insecurity comes from the fact that while I dated around in the past 2 years, I never had a boyfriend. He actually did have these other relationships and I’m having a hard time not feeling jealous over them, even though I know I shouldn’t.

I made the mistake of Facebook creeping on them and being a typical girl, I felt pretty shitty comparing myself to them even though it’s apparent that my boyfriend wants me over anyone else. That’s part of why I decided to give him another chance, no one has ever pursued me on the level that he has. These girls were pretty though and he obviously liked them for at least a couple months. Reading their stupid posts about spending time with him was gut-wrenching. I’m aware of how dumb it was to find them on Facebook but it definitely proved that I still care deeply about this guy.

We’ve definitely talked about how in order to make this work, we both have to let go of the past. I agree, and I can forgive him for the mistakes he made in our previous relationship…but him pursuing me now (and even then) while he had two other short relationships kinda irks me.

Also, when I was dating around I had some pretty crappy experiences with guys who I liked but never liked me back on the same level. I was hurt in those situations and I find myself a little bit insecure from that, too, and basically I’m just completely overwhelmed with shitty thoughts, mostly about myself, even though this guy is being totally amazing to me now.

I honestly never thought I’d get back together with him but we ran into eachother at a store one day and haven’t stopped talking since. We’ve been “official” again for only a week though. I spent a lot of time getting over him (even though I was the one who initiated the break-up), having fun doing the single thing, did a lot of great things for myself career-wise, but I constantly felt more and more lonely, which led me to feel shitty about myself as well.

For the record, I do see a therapist now, for the past like 6 months because I realized how negative I can be towards myself.

My questions for you are:

Is this relationship worth pursuing, in your opinion? Am I crazy for liking my ex again? haha
How do I get past being insecure and jealous of his exs?

And do you think this sorta overwhelming feeling will pass? We’ve only been back together for a week.

Hmm..Could you perhaps write maybe 15 more paragraphs about this? Cause I don’t think this novella quite covered it. Just kidding but, goddamn…this is a long ass question.
Before I even answer your questions specifically, I just wanna point out that it sounds like, even though you broke up on agreed terms you’re butthurt over the fact that he was better at being single than you. He had two girlfriends and you only dealt with dickheads. But , keep in mind, you can’t gauge peoples relationship successes by what’s written on facebook walls. In fact, I’d argue that people who post corn ball lovey dovey shit on their facebook walls about new relationships are incredibly insecure. If the relationship was that good, you wouldn’t have time to post that stuff. You’d be too busy being happy and having tons of sex with that person. Now, as for your questions…
Is this relationship worth pursuing, in your opinion? Am I crazy for liking my ex again? haha
I’m normally anti-get back together with ex’s but , in this case, it seems the reason you guys broke up was not a rift as much as you moved. For that reason, i don’t see why you can’t be back with this dude.

How do I get past being insecure and jealous of his exs?
No offense but it sounds to me like this insecurity you have is deeper than just his ex’s. I’m willing to bet, when you were single, dudes sniffed that out and walked all over you. Thus your tough time as a single lady. There is no one thing you can do to get past being insecure and jealous. In both cases, you know it’s not the right thing to feel but that doesn’t make it just go away. It’s just how you feel. I would hope, one day, that you will just realize that there is no point to being jealous of his life as a single guy after you broke up. He didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, it sounds to me like he may be a needy dude who always needs a girlfriend. Regardless, what he did post your break up has nothing to do with how he feels about you. Clearly, the dude is on your jock again. Like I said, i smell wafts of a “needy/i can’t be single” kinda guy but it doesn’t matter. If you let these things that are so out of your control have an effect on you, you’ll never feel okay. Sometimes you just gotta accept what happened and let it go. If it’s too much for you to handle, then it’s not gonna work. But, just a warning, every guy you ever date will have a history that could make you insecure and jealous, if you let it.
And do you think this sorta overwhelming feeling will pass? We’ve only been back together for a week.
I would hope it will pass. That’s really on you. The way I see it, if you’re actually happy to be back with guy, you guys should be on cloud 9 right now. Especially cause it’s like a new relationship all over again. But if you’re sitting around feeling shitty about it and questioning everything and it’s only been a week? Good luck with all that. It’s only gonna get worse.

I’ve been listening to your music since the myspace days and reading your posts in the def jux site, etc and it seems like during your 20’s you were trying to figure everything out (music and life) and in your 30’s you got established, wifed up…

I don’t know you personally so I might be completely wrong, but it seems like I’m in a similar timeline. I’m in my late 20’s now and I’m also an artist, I enjoy my freedom, etc… I’ve been in relationships but I feel like I want to get my career working and other things cleared (taxes? shittt), before starting a serious relationship again and the rest of other things that other of my friends are already into, which sometimes makes me think that I should be also doing those things before it’s too late? I’m literally the only non wifed-up in my group of friends

How was it for you? It just happened to be like this or was it a decision that you perhaps made unconsciously? Because nobody wants to be that dude on his 40’s getting maaad drunk on a tuesday night and getting laid or not (oh, wait…)

I’d say it was a little of both. When I hit 30 I started feeling like “hmm…I should probably look to settle down a little”. I didn’t mean getting married (I’m still not married) but just kinda start being an adult for real. That said, it’s not like I was looking to wife up any girl I could stick my dick in. I definitely happened to meet the right girl and the timing was coincidental. I could have easily never met her and remained single for years after that feeling that same “I should settle down” itch. For better or worse. But, I can’t lie, there was a bug in the back of my mind subtly reminding me that I’m not 21 anymore.
That said, looking at it now, 30 seems young as shit and I honestly don’t think anyone should rush into anything unless it’s what they want.
I feel as though the pressure for men to settle down and have kids is less now than it ever was. In the minds of men, that is. Especially in big cities where there are endless single women. I can feel a difference in that pressure between now and 10 years ago. It’s like the desire to nest for men has been ruined by internet porn or something. This is actually terrible news for women in the same age range cause it fucks up to balance. Now you got tons of single girls in their mid 30’s looking for a good guy but every dude their age is either wifed up or terrified of them cause they don’t wanna be that serious and they can smell the desperation on a typical single 35 year old girl who clearly just wants to get married as soon as possible. It’s actually kind of a problem. Even worse is when guys just assume every girl they meet over the age of 30 is trying o get married and they won’t even let a casual relationship breath because of those fears. It’s really a lose/lose for all the single girls out there. It’s cold world!

I’m 24 and recently moved in with my lovely gf. I was producing and experimenting with samples, soft synths, drum loops, jamming with strangers (I’m new to my current city) etc.. before we moved in. Now that we live together it seems that almost 90% of that time has been spent on mundane errands or just plain mental and physical exhaustion. I mean, I never went to the grocery store twice a week or had to pick up birth control with the lady before, and now it seems that once i leave my menial paying 9-5, I can’t quite fit in my personal time unless it’s scheduled days in advance. My question: how does one balance adulthood with the current hopes and dreams their youth?

Living with someone is all about compromise. You’re going to have to do shit you don’t wanna do…all the time. That said, how much can one really go to the grocery store for it to be enough to feel like it’s taking all your time? That doesn’t even make sense.
Errands are errands. They don’t take that long. As for the mental and physical exhaustion, I’m not clear on where that’s coming from. you said you quit your menial job so, i assume you mean that dealing with your girlfriend is so tiring, you don’t have time for yourself? If so, guess what? You either have a shitty girlfriend or you’re a pussy. Either way, having time to yourself in crucial to any relationship. Moving in with someone should not mean that your life and desires to live a fulfilling life suddenly no longer exist. Perhaps you can talk to her about this. Explain that you need to have time every week to be creative. I can’t imagine any person , who’s not an asshole or crazy, not respecting that. I don’t know how big/small your place is but surely you can go in a room somewhere, shut the door and make music. If even doing that is a issue within your relationship, you’re in for a nightmare. I feel as though the ability to be apart from each other happily is just as important as how you get along when you’re together. Both are necessities to a healthy relationship.
So, basically, it’s on you to find time to do what you want to do. You’re 24. Adulthood’s pretty fucking new to you (honestly, I’d advise against any 24 year old living with their significant other, but that’s a different question). at 24, “dreams of youth” are still in effect. You’re still very young. Talk to me in ten years. If you’re still twiddling knobs and making bedroom music that no ones heard or cares about at age 34, then it might be time to reevaluate how you spend your free time. But now? this is when you do that and figure that shit out.

I got a trivial question for you, Block, however it involves Crocs, so you know, not so trivial after all.

Me and the girlfriend are going on vacation this september. We want hot weather, the sun, the sea and shit like that. The place that looks like the best deal for us is all good, however the beaches there are apparently pretty damn rocky. Since we both want to go to the sea and not just sit near the pool like all these fat tourist slobs that never leave the hotel, this presents a problem. In past years I’ve been on a few rocky beaches and going through all these fuckin rocks every time you want to swim is kind of a pain in the ass, especially with waves crashing on you when you try to find your footing and not look like an idiot or fall on all these rocks and shit. The few reviews I read on this place advises some swimming footwear. In the past I tried flip flops (I only wore them in the hotel room or on the beach, never on the stret), but these are kind of really unreliable in the sea and you can lose these fuckers easily when a wave catches you.

So for the first time in my non-Crocs wearing life, I am considering buying shitty, cheap Crocs-type of things for the sole purpose of commuting from the beach to the sea. Obviously, I am very conflicted. Crocs are embarassing and shitty and make you look like an idiot, but at the same time so does falling on some rocks or walking like you’ve just learned to make your first steps when you submerge/emerge in/from the sea. Everything else about that vacation deal is great, so I don’t plan to go anywhere else, but I find myself in a comfort vs bad looks kind of situation.

If you were in my predicament, what would YOU do? Would you just do what I usually did and stumble your way into the sea like an idiot, or would you say “fuck what anybody thinks, Crocs seem to be the best solution for my problem”? Would you recommend me some other cheapass “beach footwear” that I am unaware of but would work better? HELP ME.

Listen, I’m the biggest asshole on earth when it comes to judging people for their open toed shoe game. This has been established. That said, I’m not hitler. Crocs exist for a reason. They’re comfortable (so, I’ve been told) and can be worn in certain situations, guilt free. No one rocks crocs cause they think they look dope. They wear them cause of how they feel.
You’re going on vacation. Vacation is all about saying “Fuck everyone, I’m chilling”. What better time to buy a pair of terrible looking shoes and wear them in a foreign country like “WHO CARES!?!?!”? ESPECIALLY if you plan to only wear them to and from the beach. That’s literally the best use one could ever have for crocs (on duty nurse’s excluded). So, have no shame. Buy those atrocities. Wear them with pride. No one can judge you for that. Just make sure to never ever wear them out socially when you get home.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 36

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Hello and welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”.
This is where you ask me to solve all your personal problems. Why me? Good question. I’m not even a licensed driver, let alone psychologist but, for some reason, I’ve been told I give decent advice. At the very least, I’m honest and have nothing to gain or lose by shooting straight. I’m Certainly a better person to ask than your dumb ass friends who probably don’t wanna deal with any of your shit in the first place. So, ask me! If you have problems that need solving, send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. It’s always anonymous and , as much as an asshole as I may seem at times, I’m only trying to help.
So, let’s get into this weeks batch….

Hi, Dr. Tony! I’m from Sweden so my english might not be that good so sorry about that! Sry for making this long! Big fan of your music btw!!

Anyways:
I have this female bestfriend that I’ve known for like 7 years and we get along great. I always make her laugh, we hang out frequently, we always have fun together and she tells me everything because I always listen and try to help her and so on.
We used to talk like every day which made me happy and less depressed so eventually I fell in love with her. I really enjoy spending time with her.
But about 3 weeks after her break up with her now ex boyfriend, she got a new boyfriend and she changed completely. She doesn’t talk to me as much as she did before and we’ve only hanged out a few times.
The few times that we’ve got together after her new boyfriend, I noticed that she changed the way she was towards me.
For example, before she had this new boyfriend, she used to hug me whenever we got together but after she got this new boyfriend, she doesn’t do that anymore. The times I tried to hug her whenever we met up or after we’ve hanged out, she just shakes me hand and then she leaves. If I had any luck.
I’ve wanted to confront her about that but I didn’t wanna get into a fight about it so I dropped it.

After about a month, she still didn’t talk to me as much as she used to. She only contacted me whenever she wanted help with something and I could not refuse because I missed talking to her.
Again, I wanted to confront her about it because it felt like she was using me but I didn’t want to get into a fight about it which might have led to us not being friends anymore. So I decided to drop it.

After several weeks, something really bad had happen to me and I really needed someone to talk to. So I asked her some questions that I thought would make her ask me “What’s wrong”? but instead she changed the subject (which she has done several times whenever something serious had happen to me and I needed someone to talk to).
So after that, I got really hurt and decided not to talk to her anymore.
She keep sending me snapchats mostly of her and her boyfriend that I still don’t answer and she even asked me about a picture of her on her facebook, but I was really cold to her so that she could notice that something is wrong, but I don’t think she has.

I’ve been thinking of talking to her a really long time now because I really miss her and I feel bad but I also really want to confront her about all this but at the same time I feel like I shouldn’t talk to her because of how she has treated me. So, what do you think I should do?

Sounds to me like you’re planted deeply in the friendzone. And not just any “friendzone” but a friendzone where you’re only of use when she needs something. I can’t speculate what her relationship with her ex-boyfriend was like but , if this new one came in and she was all of a sudden distant, it leads me to believe a few things-
1)She likes him a lot more than the last one
2)The last one was never a “permanent fixture” so she kept you around as something of an emotional tampon she could flirt and have fun with.
3)The new bf could be a more jealous type and she’s just acting this way cause she knows it wouldn’t be okay with him to hang with her platonic hug buddy all the time.
4)She’s been well aware of your feelings towards her the entire time and she’s even more aware of how to control them.
Basically, she sounds like she was never really interested in you in that way but she likes you as a person. So, she kept you around until this current boyfriend. Because she has all the power in the relationship (the person who cares less typically does), she can dictate when and how you guys see each other.
As for what you can do…well, getting pissy at her isn’t gonna help anything. That’s just you being childish cause the girl you like didn’t like you back. I know it’s easier said than done but you gotta just move on with your life. Don’t be a dick to her but also let her come to you. Chasing after her affection has already been proven to not work. You just gotta move on. Who knows, maybe she’ll break up with this guy and come back. Hopefully , by that time, you’ll have realized that she was a shitty friend from the get go and want nothing to do with her. When guys have crushes on girls, we really let that shit fog our vision, in terms of the actual type of person we’re dealing with. Now, i don’t know this girl and I do feel I’m painting her in an unfair light, based off of what you wrote. For all i know, you could be one of those annoying “ducky” from “Pretty in Pink” ass dudes. But, still, I’ve been in a similar situation in life and just moving away from it all was the best move possible. In the end, I doubt she ever had plans for you beyond friendship. That sucks for you but, hey, life isn’t easy.

Not sure if this question is for ask dr tony or questions for answers but, is it weird or gross if a girl watches porn alobe? Nothing crazy fetish like just regular bangin it out porn with two sexy people two to three times a week. Would that freak you out? I guess living with a girl who masterbates on the side when she can could be weird but if you lived seperate from your gf and she watched porn would that be a turn off or hoe flag? Or healthy and good?

It’s not weird at all. Neither is a girl masturbating if she lives with or away from her boyfriend. It’s more just that girls personal taste. Porn turns her on? Awesome.
The thing about porn is , it’s only unhealthy if you view it as so. It’s also only an issue if you see that kinda sex as real sex. There are things , i think, we can take away away from porn that are actually good for normal human sex lives. Others, not so much. Like , if a dude thinks every girl should be down to choke on cocks and take facials, that’s a bit much. Or if a girl thinks every guys dick should be 8 inches or more, she will live a life of disappointment. But, outside of the unrealistic aspects of it, porn isn’t a bad thing for a typical horny adult.
You can tell when a guy/girl watches and learns from porn cause it’s a very particular kind of sex. I’d imagine, if two people like that met up, they’d actually sync up nicely in the bedroom. Just imagine all the choking an facials via abnormally large penises they could have!
I think a lot of dudes would be into the idea of their girl watching porn cause EVEVY guy does it. Better that than have a GF who is horrified by the idea of you jerking off to porn. That girl lives in a fucking fantasy world. So, yeah, don’t worry about it. We all have needs and , if you need to bust a few nuts a week to porn, there is nothing wrong with that in the slightest.

Please give me some solid time management tips. You seem like you’re an ace on the subject of punctuality whereas I consider myself more of a noob. An (asshole) noob…

I’m one of those overly punctual people. In fact, some (everyone I’ve ever met) might call it obsessive. I’m always a little early to everything. I’d like to say it’s cause I’m not a selfish asshole and I know how annoying it is to make people wait (that’s part of it) but it’s got way more to do with me just NEEDING to be on time in general.
Thing is, I don’t know if there are any real tips for stuff like this. Telling you “go faster” isn’t gonna work. The best advice I can offer is set up realistic timeline of how long things are gonna take. My GF has this problem. She’s never calculated how long the actual traveling to the event will take so she’s always 15 minutes late. I always add on 15-30 for travel (depending on distance). For instance, If I have to be somewhere cross town at 9, I know that walking there takes 20-25 minutes. So I leave a half hour before I gotta be there. Where as my GF will leave at 8:55 , assuming a cab will be outside our door and no traffic has ever existed. I’m overly cautious, she’s less so.
Basically, just be realistic about the pace in which you move. Saying that it’s gonna take you 15 minutes to get ready , when you know it’ll take you 45 minutes, is a problem. My advice, just start the preparation earlier than you think and keep your eye on the clock. Being on time is fucking easy. It amazes me how hard it can be for some people but , in the end, it’s cause those people are either being absent minded , don’t know how time works or they’re just truly inconsiderate.

Yo Dr. Tony, maybe you could enlighten me on an issue I’ve been having. I’m 25 years old and new to the single life, yet it seems that every girl I date, no matter my intentions (i.e. strictly wanting to fuck), starts to develop feelings for me not long after we we first have sex. Now if these were 19 or 20 year old girls, I might understand that mindset of fucking someone and thinking it’s love, but these are women my age and a couple years older. I don’t have Ryan Gosling looks, so acting like a disinterested asshole doesn’t really work for me, but rather I rely on my charm and humor. Some guy friends tell me that this is where I go wrong, but I feel that if I didn’t use those traits, I wouldn’t be getting any girls at all. One of my close girl friends told me that the reason these girls fall for me is because of my stable situation (living on my own, good career, healthy and active), but I know other guys in similar situations that don’t seem to share my problem. The thing is, I had a long-term relationship in college, so I’m not exactly trying to wife anyone up at the moment. When I do tell these women that I’m not looking for a relationship, their feelings get hurt and I feel like a dipshit. My question is, is their anything I can do early on to communicate that I’m not looking for anything serious, or would these women develop feelings regardless?

Being a nice guy with a good living/life situation is always gonna create confusion with this kind of thing. I’d be willing to bet, because of those two things and that you’ve also been in a long term relationship, you give off strong “Boyfriend” vibes. Girls can sniff that shit out and , at the age you are, a lot of them are ready for a boyfriend. I had similar issues when I was single in my late 20’s and I found the best way to combat it was to be totally honest. Wear your intentions on your sleeve. I don’t mean “be a lecherous scum bag” , I mean let that person know you’re just trying to have fun and nothing too serious. The beauty of getting that out there early is that it’s really just a “proceed at your own risk” sign for girls. They’ve been warned. If they go along with it, great. If they proceed then wanna make it more serious, you still can be like “I told you what i was about”. Sometimes a girl will hear that and be like “nah, that’s not what I’m looking for” and that’s totally fine. As long as you’re understanding and cool about that, it’s a non-issue. So, yes, you may lose out on some sex here and there but, in the long run, your sanity will be kept.
It’s funny cause being the unwilling single guy who girls wanna relationship with in your 20’s is kinda like the grown up version of being in the friendzone in your late teens. If all about how you present yourself. In both cases, being a “good guy” has a lot to do with it. Sucks, right? But stay the course cause , in real life, good guys actually do tend to win eventually. At least in this respect.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 35

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Why, hello there. How’s your life? How’s that guy/girl you’ve been dating/fucking/marrying? Well, I’m Dr. Tony. I have a high school diploma and no background in anything remotely related to doling out advice but, you know what? I try.
If you have any life questions that need guidance and don’t feel like paying for a shrink and/or listening to you dumb ass friends biased advice, I’m your guy. Send them my way. Either Email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. It’s all anonymous and , who knows, I might actually help you figure out whatever lame ass problems you got going on in your life. After all, i don’t know you so I have no reason to not tell it like it is. Makes sense, right?
So, here are this weeks questions…

Hey, Dr. Tony! I’m wondering:

What are your thoughts on getting back with exes? I’ve been considering getting back with an ex, lately, but, I have quite a bit of trepidation.

This girl broke my heart something vicious, and it took a long time to get over her, so fear of that happening again still kind of lingers in my mind. But, more importantly, there’s a part of me that feels like I’m selling myself short.

Thing is, we have an undeniable chemistry, one that I haven’t felt before or since her. And, even though we dated in our early 20s, that connection is still there.

I dunno, maybe if I wasn’t 30, I wouldn’t even be considering it, but, I can’t decide if getting back with her is a good decision or just a delusion

Been there. Done that. Will never do it again.
Check this out…the problem with getting back together with old flames is that we only seem to remember the good parts. You see that person again and feel like it’s brand new. You fondly look back on the rapport , the sex and the over all vibe that drew you to that person in the first place. You have that comfort level (which is something that will often keep couples together in the first place once everything else has withered away). One of the worst parts of meeting new people is that you have to reintroduce yourself to a brand new person. Tell your stories. fill them in on your background. Introduce them to family and friends. So, that daunting process will often make us lazy and take the easy route…an ex.
The thing is, the mind has a way of totally blacking out the bad parts of your past relationship. We forget why we broke up in the first place. You forget those feelings of resent and general disdain you once had for that person cause you’re not thinking straight. Nostalgia is a motherfucker. Now, this could be a little different if you guys broke up on particular terms. Like if it was due to one of you having to move somewhere far away or another similar “it’s out of our hands but we can’t be together” type situation. But, outside of those examples, we must never forget the bad times. Think of those moments you spent sitting in your bed, seething at that person. Or how that person made you feel when they let you down. Even better, focus in on all those annoying traits that used to drive you crazy. Things that you can’t even explain to another person without sounding like an asshole but you know, deep down, they drove you insane. Those are the moments you gotta bring up when an ex comes back around. That said, you should definitely bone each other cause that’s always a lot of fun. Just don’t bring your emotions into it cause then, it’s a wrap for both of you.

So I’m a 23 y/o dude who started seeing this girl (20) who just broke up with her boyfriend. We’ve been talking for about 3 weeks now and hangout almost every day. I joke while drunk that I am just a rebound which she responds I am not and how she really likes me and appreciates that we have a connection even while sober.

3 weeks of chilling and we only done the deed 3 times. One of the times (our first time sober) she may or may not of cried. (I am pretty sure she did even though she denies it when I bring it up). When were drunk she tells me she really likes me a lot but isn’t looking for a relationship. Which I get, her just getting out of a relationship and all.

Anyways In my head I know its not worth the time devoting this amount of effort on a girl not looking for a relationship, yet at the same time shes not putting out enough to constitute a fuck buddy. But I am not drowning in pussy and the once a week affair greatly out does what I am use to getting.

How do I tread? When were not together and shes with other dudes I am alone at home doing not shit. Whether shes banging these dudes, I don’t know. If she is, she is giving it up to them a lot easier then she does me. (these dudes seem to be long established friends so I am not too concerned).

Idk man should I continue to work for something that may potentially become a relationship? While other guys may not have to work so hard? Or should I go back to spending my weekends with “boys night out”(trying to get laid but continuously failing)/playing xbox?

PS she even followed you on twitter because I said you were a funny fucker and I told her your blog is hilarious so I hope she doesn’t read this and if she does….HI!

That’s rough but you gotta just kinda take it for what it is. First off, she’s not looking to settle down. So that’s off the table. Once you accept that as fact, then you’re already in a better place. When a girl says that to a guy, it’s as real as real can be. Not to be confused with a girl who is in a sex-only relationship with a guy she likes, who parrots a guy saying “I’m not looking for anything serious…” on some “Oh yeah, me neither!” shit , even though deep down, she is. In your case, she said it to you and that means it’s authentic.
So, what you gotta do is either ride it out and take it for what it is: occasional sex.
or , if that’s not something your comfortable with, then just leave it alone.
The upside of the first option is that you can have boys nights out and look for other girls and still have sex once in a while with this girl. The only reason that would be a no go, to me, would be if you’re not emotionally ready to be that kinda guy. Which is fine.
Another aspect of this is that you make it sound like she’s fucking all sorts of other dudes. She sounds like she’s in full “I’m a free woman!” mode but she’s also 20 years old. Sounds to me like the last thing she’s looking for is someone else to lock her down. She’s 20, dude. If it were up to me, I’d make a rule that no one under the age of 25 would be allowed to even be in a committed relationship. But, alas, i’m not a god.
Also, it should be noted that a drunk 20 year old girl telling you that she likes you really doesn’t mean much. She might really feel that way but there are clearly way too many distractions for her to ever follow up on that.

Hey Block,

I have a question for you about friendship and mobile communication. Few days ago I visited a big city where some friends of me live. They do not know each other. I wanted to meet them separately. I tried to make appointments, because I had only one and a half day. I thought it must be simple, because everybody is equipped with mobiles, internet…

Yeah – but it went “We can meet in the afternoon”, nobody wanted to decide at which time & which place we could meet. I got some text messages, not signed with a name (unknown mobile number), so I could not see who wanted to meet me. I had to call back or to text back, asking “okay, we could meet at 3, but who are you ?” A friend texted but used two different mobiles. It was soo annoying. I wondered “Do they really want to meet me ?” Okay, in the end I met some of the friends I wanted to see, I was happy to see them, we had a nice time. The time was a bit short, because their decision process took so long time. But why it had to be sooo difficult to decide on time and place ? I discussed this with a friend, a) why is it so difficult to decide ? b) why so extremely unattentive (texting with new mobile without signing with a name, texting cryptical messages…) and he said, it it out of fashion to make decisions, everybody wants to stay flexible, to decide spontaneously. And the bad style in communication, it is only a bad habit, nobody should take it personnally.

But I take it personnally. I think, okaaay, I thought we were really, really good friends, but lets face it, we are not. Am I just oldfashioned ? Maybe it is a new style, a new culture, and I’m left behind ? It is definitly a style which makes things complicated, its stupid. When I grew up (I’m 36) we only had non-mobile phones, it was soo complicated. But now it seems to me even more complicated. Next time I gonna tell my friends “I got no mobile, if you want to meet me, we must agree beforehand about time and place” even if I got a perfectly healthy and working mobile.

I think, friendship is about decision. It is a main point. I must DECIDE which whom I want to spend time. It would be easy to say “Oh, my friends are just lazy dickheads but I like them the way they are”. No, I know definitely the friends in question are not. One of them is a scientist, he is well organized and not lazy. An other friend, she has founded a monthly magazine on her own, she is very, very well organized. And so on. Maybe they are tired of making decisions ?

What do you think about that ?

To make a long story short: My current pet hate is the inability of my friends to decide on appointments via mobile (and their vague messages which drive me crazy). Are they really my friends ? Are they careless because I’m just not important to them ? Or ARE they my friends but I am totally oldfashioned ?

Just a tip, if you’re gonna write “To make a long story short” it should not follow like 5 paragraphs of explanation. Anyway…
Welcome to 2014. This sounds like a handful of different things.
1)Your friends are flakes
Flakey people are THRIVING in the texting era. It gives them an openness they didn’t have 15 years ago. You can vaguely make plans and cancel on a whim 5 minutes before meeting up.
2)Let’s be honest, these people are just close acquaintances.
I’ve got tons of “friends” all over the country. If I’m in their city for one night, I know there are some that will always be down to hang and others that are more about timing and what they have going on in their life. I know, when someone comes to visit NYC that I’m cool with (but not really a close friend with) I MIGHT make an effort to see them but it’s definitely not a priority. Where as, if a close friend comes to town, plans are made and solidified well before they even arrive. Sounds to me like you’re in that latter group of people. Nothing wrong with that but you may just need to temper your expectations of people. They got their own lives to live in the place they live in. Only a good friend will drop everything to make an effort.
3)I don’t think you’re old fashioned. You just sound a little entitled and easily annoyed. I get both those things cause being in a city that isn’t home and not having anywhere to go is the worst. I think the combo of flakey friends and friendships that aren’t that serious is the culprit here. I’d say, in the future, if you want to make these kinda things work, lock down plans. Like call a week in advance and get these people to commit to something more than just “I’ll call you when I’m in town”. Otherwise, it’s as much your fault as it is theirs.

I’ve been a single mom for about a year now, I’m 28 and I think I’m ready to start dipping my toes in the dating pool. Not looking but not not looking. At what point do you think I should tell a guy that I have a 3 year old? Right off the bat? A couple hang outs in?
I mean, on one hand, especially when it relates to dating, I want the person to get to know ME and not just see me as a Mom. (I know if he’s scared off then he’s probably not the right one…blahblahblah but honestly, I’ve been scared off too, before I had my own creature). On the other hand, that’s what I am, day to day, a Mama Bear. Reading over this, it sounds shitty and looks like there’s an obvious answer, but it’s different when you live in your own head. Please solve all of my life problems. kthanksbyeee!

I don’t think there is a definitive answer for this. It depends on what you want from the guy and how comfortable you feel with letting people know that.
If you’re just trying to get laid or have a regular sex partner, then I don’t think he needs to know about it (unless he specifically asks about it). If it’s more serious, then I think you play it by ear. Just don’t be a crazy person and wait to say it right after he’s finished dumping a load inside/around you. You gotta be careful when dropping bombs.
I feel as though it shouldn’t define you as a single woman but it’s also something you can’t sit on for that long. Like i said, if he asks, you have to tell him. If things are picking up steam or you see long term possibilities with a dude, you should tell him before it gets too deep. Basically, having a kid is like having herpes. Just kidding. It’s way worse to not tell a dude you have herpes than not telling him you have a kid. but I digress…
If it’s a dude who’s gonna come over, he’s gonna find out anyway when he trips over that thomas the train engine play set. He’s also gonna wonder why you can’t just go out on a whim whenever. So, yeah…let it out when it feels right but don’t sit on it too long cause then it will come off like a sneak attack.
Side note about young moms, you guys kinda have it great cause you’ve already gotten the baby making part out of the way and , after that, you can truly enjoy your life. Sure, you killed a bunch of years in your 20’s but, still, the arrow is pointing up for young moms.