Ask Dr. Tony vol. 34

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Sup guys and gals,
It’s been a while but the doctor has returned with some advice your mom wouldn’t give you. Or maybe she would? I dunno that bitch. Anyway, for those who don’t know, this column is where I expel life advice all over the place. People send me questions and I do my best to answer them honestly and constructively. I’m not a shrink. Not even close. I’m barely a functional reader. But, I don’t know you , I’m have no agenda to lie for and , sometimes, it’s a good idea to get advice from outside your bubble. If you have any questions you’d like me to tackle, send them my way: phatfriendblog@gmail.com
or leave them in the comments below. I’m here to help (and occasionally make fun of you). But more so to help.
Let’s get into this weeks batch…

This is for dr tony:
Do you think a male and female can be strictly platonic friends without any sexual history and neither one be thirsty? Let me lay it out for you, been talkin to this great guy for a few months now. In the past couple weeks he locked it down as exclusive and i was ready for it and happily accepted. Since the beginning he has told me one of his best friends is this girl he has known since high school. Since we’ve dated, ive hung out w her a couple times and both times it was a bit weird. She wouldnt look me in the eye when we talked, and when we got to the bar she sat at the other end of the bar and looked sour apple. Guy im dating says he doesnt like her boyfriend bc the bf is the one makin it weird not her. Have you witnessed girls get jealous over friend zoned guys? Its like she “doesnt” want him sexually but never at least pretends to share a laugh with us or engage in any convo whatsoever. My guy has talked about how sweet and awesome this girl is and all but when we hang out im digging conversation out of her and then have to fake positivity later when my guy asked “do you think yall could be friends? Howd you like her?” Im not the type of person to care too much what other people think if im feelin someone, but have you seen any of your girl friends get jealous when you brought a girl around you were diggin hard? Im always tryin to be the wingman for my friendzoned guy friends but thats bc theres no attraction from my end. Whatever please tell me im being over analytical.

This shit is mad real.
To answer your question, yes. I do think male/female platonic friendships can exist. While I think there are tons of elements involved that make them possible, they are, in the end, possible. The most common ways I’ve seen them begin are
1)the two people have known each other so long the idea of the other being sexual is revolting to both parties (but more revolting to the girl, typically)
2)They met through a former bf/gf and only knew each other as that persons friend so, when the relationship ended with that bf/gf, it was not even an option. unless you’re dealing with low lives and then, you know, all bets are off.
3)The actually did hook up, got it out of the way and realized they’re better off just being friends (I’d say this is most common and , also, most effective for long term friendship.)
4)Both parties are equally not attracted to each other. Though I’d venture to say this one is actually kinda rare cause I feel as if it’s in our human nature to be drawn to people we’re attracted to. There’s usually one person that is at least mildly attracted to the other it’s just it’s so obviously unrequited that the person drops it as a possibility and accepts the friendship.

Now, as for your situation…I’ve definitely seen that. And yes, friends can absolutely be jealous of their friends new boyfriends/girlfriends. It’s pretty simple though.
With male friends, it’s more of a big brother thing. Being a a step away from apes, we have it in our minds to want to protect (this is assuming this person is indeed a real friend and not some dude trying to fuck on the low that’s your “friend”). So guys will generally be a little stand offish at times to a new boyfriend. Also, there’s an element of “should I even bother making friends with this dude? He might be gone next week and who cares?”. Eventually that posturing should subside though and they’l have some corny bro bonding moment and a “he’s an okay guy” revelation. That’s kinda how we work.
With girls, and I could be off on this, I’d say it’s more territorial. They see a new girlfriend as more of a threat to their relationship with the guy. I mean , let’s be honest here, who hates girls more than other girls? and if a girl comes along out of nowhere threatening to take time with their good friend away from them , she’s gonna act weird. It’s typical petty behavior and, I’d hope, it’s short term. Meaning, the friend would eventually just accept it and come to terms with this new girl being around, eventually leading to you two getting along.
That said, she could be one of those girls who just doesn’t like other girls or she might just hate your face. You truly never know. Bitches be trippin’!

So Tony this question might be a little bit out of sorts for you and involves a pretty good amount of drama, since I basically only read your post when I’m taking a shit ( and I don’t mean that in a bad way it’s the best and only defication reading material I enjoy) it’s that since seeing all these people with giant paragraphs on basically miniscule stuff I thought I would throw my hat into the ring. So I had a gf for about 3 years we broke up almost a year ago but the twist is it ended with me going to jail, which sounds terrible I know but I think we all can agree ladies are crazy, so to put a veryyyyy long story short we had put issuse basically arguing alot, it got to the point where 2 days would not go by without an argument, she was pretty abusive, as in would slap me, scratch me, punch me almost everytime these arguments took place, which were basically about petty nonsense, we started dating when I was 17-18 and she was 16 and the relationship continued till she was 18 and I was 20, her mom was a single mom and when I was 17 I had a pretty good job and was making alot of money but her mom was struggling so I moved in with them due to the fact I have been on my own and was renting a room at the time, so we lived together for like 1 year or so until she graduated hs, during this time when I was supporting her and her mom she cheated on me, I found out about it and moved out, but we still continued talking, I knew that she had previously indulged in drugs such as ecstacy and rumoured to have smoked meth but since we were extremly close i honestly thought she quit and everything was good but once she cheated it became apparent that she was still using, nevertheless me being a pussy whip dumbass I took her back, ended up kicking the guys ass and ” won” her back the cliche 18 yr old bravado nonsense, well this was a massive mistake, after she graduated we wanted to move so I had some connections in riverside and could get a pretty good job there and riverside community was a good place for her to study to become a nurse, so things cleared up and I thought we could forget the past and move on with the nonsense due to the fact that we were both young and dumb. So I threw down about 1235 on this apartment a month including pet rent ( because of course at this point in out relationship we owned a dog together haha) but yeah she ( as in her grandpa) paid about half of the rent and I paid the rest and utilitys, now at this point she is 18 and I’m 20, things are good for about 4 months than I start to notice some shizz going down, her losing alottttt of weight, erract behavior, me basically doing all her homework cause she sleeps all day and misses classes, now call me a dumbass all u want this chick was smooth, she played it off as if it was my fault for these actions, the fights escalted, she became more violent and u felt stuck, I mean fuck I basically put my whole lifes effort into this crazy girl ( which wasn’t much I mean fuck I was 20) so one night she comes home obviously spun out of her mind and wants to break up, and I am actually all for it at that point but than she says I should leave and she is keeping our dog which is actually my dog, and she said she already called my dad to come get me and told her mom that I was on drugs and abusing her which is basically the opposite of what’s happening haha so her mom comes over I actually ended up going into the room and searching for her meth pipe and Find It! But she has her mom so wrapped around her finger she convinces her it’s mine haha so I am soooo livid at this point I just leave the apartment, I go to a buddys tell him wats up and of course they have been telling me to ditch the broad for like a year, so I go back the next morning to pick up my stuff and finally just seperate myself from the madness. Once I get there she won’t let me in to my own place, finally she let’s me in and as I’m packing my shit she says she is sorry and wants to be with me, like really? After the whole fiasco the previous day? So I am just fed up wit it, she is in front of the door and won’t move she is yelling and scraching at me so this is where things get nuts, I tell her to move she obviously is strung out of her mind , so I push past her, not violently whatsover( I have 4 sisters I would never do that shit) but she throws her self on the floor and starts yelling I hit her, well to sum up the story I leave and she calls the cops, but my neighbors know that she acts up and has made shit up before, but nevertheless they come and arrest me. For nothing!!! I had legitement wounds on me from her scraches, she has nothing on her except a pipe in her car and room hahaha so they take me in and I think I’m not gonna do any jail time for this due to the fact they have no physically inclicted injury evidence, and I have alottttt but low and behold due to the fuckedddd justice system and the fact I can’t afford a legit lawyer the give me 6 months in county jail and 3 years probation. Which really fuked me life up, I was almost graduated from college and was gonna be a substitute teacher till u got my degree and had a awesome fulltime job but lost it all due to this crazy drug addicted chick who is on to using the next guy she can find, I got put in october and moved back in wit my dad and things have been ok, I mean it definitly helped out my music and writing so maybe it was all for a reason but my question is and I honestly don’t know if u can answer it due to the fact this is so circumstantial but how do I move on and deal with new shit, cause I’m only 21 and have alot of shit to give to the world and don’t wnna be stiffled by this shit but it’s hard when I have a felony on my record, and to be able to talk to new girls without the stigma that they are pieces of shit hahha? But yeah dealing with those trust issues hardcore so any thoughts?

Wow dude. First off, it’s always funny when I can tell something was typed on a phone and this novella must have taken you hours to write. That is one long dump.
Anyway, that’s a pretty insane situation. On one hand, I applaud your patience with this girl but I also chalk that up to dumb teenaged love. We do completely nonsensical things when we are young based entirely on emotion and hormones. On the other hand, part of me feels as though the fact you were willing to put up with this obviously broken situation for so long makes me think you got some issues of your own that need to be resolved. Now, don’t get me wrong, they’re no where near as fucked up as that girls issues but your loyalty towards her was to a fault. The second those fists start flying and the fighting is happening every few days, in my eyes, it’s a wrap. I’m also a “drama free” kinda guy though so, maybe it’s just me.
Let’s be honest, she fucked up your life. You got a record now and that’s that. But she didn’t ruin your life. It can go on. I don’t know what kind of work you do but considering you said you were making decent money at 18, it’s clearly not a job that was based on being educated. So, hopefully, you can still get work in whatever field that is. As for dealing with other girls and not thinking they’re pieces of shit…just know that you came across one REALLY shitty human being. She sounds truly fucking awful. Like “I wouldn’t swerve my car if she was laying in the road” awful. but that’s just one girl. At least come across like 2 or 3 or these lunatics before you start making sweeping assumptions about 51% of the entire earths population. In fact, I’d say that this experience should have taught you some things.
Such as:
You can’t fix someone who’s broken. That’s not ever your job.
When you see early signs of crazy behavior, it’s only gonna get worse
and, something that is HIGHLY under rated,
if all your friends are telling you that the person you’re with is bad news, they’re usually right. I can’t stress that enough. To anyone out there reading this, if ALL your friends think your girl/man sucks, he/she does and you need to get the fuck out of that relationship. Get your mind right, bro.

Is there a way to stop being a big box of envy?

That’s a tough one. I tend to think being an envious person is simply a trait you either have or don’t, on varying levels. Then again, maybe it’s like trust and , over time, it gets worn down after years of people misusing it.
The thing about envy is that it’s a pretty petty trait. It’s you caring way too much about what another person does that, in general, doesn’t effect you. I’ve always kinda thought envy and jealousy were synonymous but ,now that I think about, they’re actually a little different. Jealousy is when you’re possessive of something/someone. Like Boyfriends and girlfriends get jealous of each other. But envy? That’s just looking at any old asshole you know and wishing you could have what they have. For instance, I’m not jealous of the guy who gets to have sex with Emily Ratajakowski cause it’s not like I could ever do that in reality, but I am envious. It’s a human emotion. It’s also the foundation of being a hater ass hater. So, even though you can’t control it, I’d advise do your best to keep it under wraps cause it’s a truly unattractive quality on anyone.

Here’s the deal, Block: I decided to become an English Education major in college. I just got my Master’s degree in December. The teaching market is really shitty where I live (and in most other places, too). As we all know, the education system itself is completely fucked up. So, here I am, going to junky substituting jobs in the nearest major city while working three other low-paying education jobs, and I still can’t afford to move out, and the future truly looks bleak for a happy future teaching kids how to read and write. I’ve been considering just saying “fuck it” and joining the military where I can become an officer for having a Master’s, or just grabbing some other job where I will get paid well and not have to take my job home with me at the end of the day. What to do, Block?

You realize you’re asking a person who hasn’t had a real job for 10 years about job advice, right? This is kinda like asking me “Hey, what kinda car should I buy?” knowing I’ve never driven in my life.
All I can say about this one is based on only things I’ve seen with friends.
If you have a passion for teaching, then I’d say do it. If that means moving to another state where there are more jobs available, then so be it. If that’s not an option and you simply can’t afford to support yourself via teaching, then it might be time to seek out other avenues. Sure, the military is one. I really know nothing about that life and, in my eyes, that’s always been a last option for anyone…especially someone who is already educated. That said, I don’t doubt it has a lot of perks. But, another option is doing what I’d venture to say most people in the US do and just get some shitty worker bee desk job that pays you well enough and submit to being that guy. The office space life. It sounds like a nightmare but , hey, you gotta eat and put a roof over your head, right? I’m not saying get a job at Arby’s but you have a college education. Hopefully you can apply that to SOMETHING. And those are jobs zombies can do. Go to work, zone out, go home.Although I’d imagine it’s soul sucking, I think it’s easy to not take that home with you.
But, yeah, my first goal would be to find a teaching job anywhere I could cause it’s clearly what you want to be doing. But, that said, I guarantee you’ll come home from teaching way more wound up than some boring ass 9-5 job. Man, jobs suck.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 34

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Hey there. Time for another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. Where I give advice to people who clearly need it cause , well, they’re asking a niche hip hop producer to help them. That said, I think I am a level headed guy who won’t pull punches when it comes to your life’s problems. I should add that I’m not a doctor or qualified to give anyone anything so, you know, if I’m wrong, my bad!
Still, let me try and help you. Send me questions you need an answer to. Could be about your love life, your personal life or maybe just something you feel like you need an outside opinion on. Anything in that realm. Send all questions to me: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below.
This week starts with a bang…This poor, poor, lonely dude…

So here ya go: I’m in my second year of college (20 years old) and recently moved back home with my parents after losing a scholarship from an out of state school (can’t afford that shit now). So I’m living at home and commuting to school in the city for a year where I have a decent internship and it seems to all be working out.
Next year I’m moving in with friends and transferring to the main campus where I know more people.

Last year I lived in the dorms where it was easy to meet tons of people, and i actually had a lot of good friends and connections. But now, I have a hard time meeting new girls strictly through class/on campus. As a math major, there are essentially zero attractive girls in my classes. Even when I do start talking to someone I’m interested in, I feel like its wack to bring them back to my parents house and try to get some action there. I live about a 30 minute drive from campus so that might play somewhat of a role in this. I feel like when i have my own place and live near a community driven campus where i actually know people, i will be able to meet girls just fine, but until then im kinda in a predicament.

Here’s the thing, ive been seeing my ex “high school sweetheart” for a few months now. Things with the girl are actually fine, we have great sex and generally get along, but she cheated on me in high school and im embarrassed to hang out with her in public. I often beat myself up even hanging out with her alone, thinking “shit man, she is absolutely not worth putting any time into”. I guess i feel weak/powerless when im with her after she cheated on me even though it was years ago. Oh and another thing, this girl has basically ZERO friends All of her friends stopped hanging with her from high school, her roommates hate her and she pretty much only hangs out with two different guys, only ever drinking with one of them and the other is her “best friend” who she slept with about a year ago. Shes definitely dramatic and attention seeking, but i do believe we’ve been exclusive since we started dating again. Still, there’s definitely some red flags. Theres a good chance we are only together cuz we’re lonely, but i genuinely get along great with this girl and we do care about each other. As much as I care about her, I could leave her instantly and not look back. Unfortunately, since I dated and loved her back in the day, its one of those things where im not cool with being cordial, no-strings-attached friends with benefits.

So am i just being a pussy for still being hurt over getting cheated on back in the day? Should i keep seeing her cuz we get along great and fuck a lot? Should I break things off completely now to avoid getting more invested, or should i keep her around until I move out? How can i meet,hang out, and hook up with girls while living with my parents and being under 21? Any opinions on this would be great… HELP ME OUT BLOCK.

Jesus dude, you’re all over the place. I need to sort through this one. and tackle each things one by one.
1)You live at home but drive 30 minutes to school. BUT you have friends on campus.
Two things pop up here: You’re 20. What person is really gonna judge you for still living at home? especially other college aged girls. College aged girls put up with more bummy ass dudes than anyone. Most of them won’t see a bed bigger than a twin at a dudes house until they’re 23. Let a one one with a box spring. I get that bringing girls to your parents house might not be the move but have you considered maybe just going to their place? which brings me to, if you do indeed have friends and connections on campus, go hang out and crash at their dorms or something. Surely that’s no that big a deal. People do that all the time and, worst case scenario, just sleep in the common area (dorms still have those, right?). That’s what I used to do and it worked fine. To me , it sounds like you’re making excuses. The guy I knew who got the most girls in high school was also a guy who never let anyone into his house. He simply found a way.

2)You’re girl is a red flag monster.
She has no female friends? That’s a terrible sign. That typically means that she’s a piece of shit that every girl she’s been friends with has removed from their lives. Why? Well from the sounds of if she seems pretty deceptive. She cheats on dudes and I’m sure she’s no stranger to using her female friends in similar ways. You said she only hangs with three dudes. You, a guy she drinks with (she’s probably fucking him, btw) and a “friend” who she boned once who is her “best friend”. I dunno if she’s fucking both of them but I guarantee , if she isn’t, they’re both hanging around just in case they can make that happen.

3)You said you could leave her at the drop of a hat if needed…that’s typically a bad sign. I think it’s clear you’re both still hooking up with each other out of loneliness. She’s a monster who can’t keep friends without involving her sexuality and you’re feeling like a dude stranded on an island even though you have a car (i assume) and can leave whenever you want.

My advice would be to cut her off. She just seems like bad news at this point in her life. However, I doubt you’re gonna do that until you see a light at the end of the tunnel so , at the very least, don’t invest ANYTHING into this. The same way you can drop her, don’t think she won’t do the same thing the second a decent opportunity comes along. Trust me, she’s as bored and lonely as you are. If you must, keep seeing her but have an exit plan ready at all times cause the two of you together sound like a disaster.

From reading past posts of yours it appears that you know many people of all different lifestyles so I was wondering if you knew any females who were or are Sugar Babys? What is your opinion on Sugar babys?

It’s been a while since I’ve heard that term but those are basically younger girls who find wealthy old men to pay for them but “kinda” dating them. They often don’t even fuck them ever.
Fortunately, I don’t think I know anyone who does this kinda thing. I’ve met a few here and there but no one that straight up seeks it out. Money grubbing hoes is one thing but being a sugar baby is a much more focused step.
What do I think of them? I think they’re awful people. Obviously. Anyone who’s existence depends entirely on cheating others out of what they have earned via fake companionship is clearly a terrible person. That said, they’re no better than the dudes who go for that shit. I wrote something about it years ago…Haven’t read it in a while but maybe it will still apply:
https://phatfriend.com/2011/05/10/sugar-daddies-and-babies/

How serious should one take Valentine’s Day when the relationship is brand new (less than a month) yet fairly serious for the time frame? After a few months then the romantic flowers and chocolates can come out, but it seems like its a little too early for that. I cant see buying a dozen roses for a girl when we haven’t said the I love yous yet. Is breaking tradition completely and still getting a gift that doesn’t imply the desire to be buried next to her fair enough – book, concert ticket, etc valid? How do I avoid fucking up one way or the other since there’s probably some expectation of something.

This all depends entirely on the girl you’re dating. If she’s the type who takes valentine’s seriously, then guess what? You got a girl friend who cares about Valentine’s day and that means you’re on the clock. Be prepared to deal with a person who thinks it’s her fucking 21st birthday every february 14th.
Maybe she doesn’t care that much? Then you can kinda work it from there. Flowers? sure. A nice dinner? why not?
My advice would be to do what humans do and discuss it. Ask her about her expectations on valentine’s day (in a slightly smoother manner than being “So, yeah, what you expecting from me on Valentine’s day tho?”). But, at the very least, talking about it will help you get a read on what’s expected of you. Also know that , 9/10 times, if she says “Oh, I really don’t care bout valentine’s day”, she actually does , she just doesn’t wanna seem like one of those girls who does. So, plan something. Anything.

This Q is about DESIRE in an LTR. So, my bf and I have been together for over 3y and we plan on staying with one another (obviously nobody can predict the future…so you know, knock on wood!!!) We have lived together for about 1y.

I’ve never been in a relationship this long, but I have this weird preconceived notion that couples start to lose some of that passion after about 3years (dunno where I got that from). However, that hasn’t happened to us at all thus far…aside from the first few months (where we essentially couldn’t keep our hands off each other)…our sex life has been the same (if not better) than it was even a couple years ago. We have similar sex drives/levels of kinkiness, we keep on finding new ways to have better sex/orgasms together and our bodies just fit soooo well together.

My question: Do you think this “rut” in our sex life just hasn’t happened yet but will happen eventually and is there anything I can actively do to counteract it? Or is this a “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” kind of thing and I shouldn’t worry about it because this just means we are simply sexually compatible together? I kind of want to beat the odds if I can and not stop having hot in my relationship, but I’m realistic about it too. For instance, if we ever had a baby together I know it would be practically impossible to keep this up for a certain amount of time, but I’m not planning on doing that for a few years! So, what do you think?

3 years is nothing. I believe what you’re talking about is “the 7 year itch”, hen both the male and female start really yearning to fuck anyone but their mates.
As for you’re question, I don’t think there’s a right answer for this. You could very well be one of those couples that happen to have that locked in sexual chemistry that never fades (or , at least, fades very slowly). I will say this, MOST couples have waning sex lives as time goes on. It’s just natural. Let’s be honest, monogamy isn’t natural. We do it and it’s served us well but it’s not in our DNA. The majority of people I know in long term relationships are not having tons of sex. I’m talking about the 5 year plus people. And the ones with kids? Forget about it. That’s a whole other level that I can’t even wrap my brain around. Now, this isn’t everyone…I’m just saying, it’s more often than not. I know people who have been together for 10 years who can’t keep their hands of each other. But the majority of long term relationships (especially when you add in duel responsibilities , living together and kids) things tend to cool down. People get complacent. People give up on keeping themselves attractive for their significant other. People are simply too busy/tired to keep that end of the deal up. It’s real easy to fall in a rut. It’s funny cause , as long as I can remember, I’ve been seeing it portrayed as the horny guy who wants to bone his wife but she “has a headache” so he goes to bed with blue balls. But, from what I’ve seen, it’s just as common for a dude to be on some Al Bundy shit. It works both ways.
SO, if you got that fire burning, don’t question it. Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones. I dunno holler at me when you’re ten years in and lemme know how that’s going. But, I feel as though you over thinking it can’t be good for anything. Just ride the wave, gurlllll…

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 33

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Awww shit…I’m back! It’s been a month or so and it’s time once again for “Ask Dr. Tony”. This is where you guys ask me for advice concerning topics of the heart. Why me? No clue. I’m just a guy who makes beats. That said, I’m a stranger who is even-handed and honest so it sorta makes sense if you think about it. To be clear, I’m not licensed to drive a car, let alone tell you how to make your love life work but, I swear, I’m decent at this. If you have a question that needs to be answered concerning your life, your love or whatever it is, send it my way: Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave it in the comments below. The Doctor is ALWAYS in. This week starts out with one of the wackier situations I’ve come across. It will also explain the significance of the header picture.
Let’s go!

Me and my girlfriend/fiance’ are going to have our first child next year. She has a had a boy with another dude before me and named him after RHCP front man Anthony Kiedis and had this dream of naming our unborn son Michael after bassist FLEA to complete the RHCP band or at least get close to it. I am not a big RHCP fan and I think the whole idea is a bit stupid and would rather go the route and give the kid a more normal name that we can both agree on and I can look proudly at my son every day and be happy that he wasnt named after another rock icon.

All that aside, the name Michael also is the name of one of her ex boyfriends that I never particularly cared for or had any real friendship with because i always thought this dude was a joke and when I did hear about her involvement with him I actually got a bit dumbfounded on her choice on men. Im not saying Im the cream of the crop by any means but I really just thought that she is way better than this guy and judging by what I know of him hes really just another guy trying get some panties dropped. I know all this because we all have worked together at the same company for a few years and he just always seemed to be a bit of a douch bag and I know I wasnt the only one who thought this.

I had mentioned this to her and she thinks its a cop out of an answer to get me to change her mind about the naming process because she was dead set on this. Am I out of line to go a more traditional route and give the kid a proper name? Am I being unreasonable by not wanting to name my kid after her ex, whom I still to this day would rather never speak his name in my household for as long as we both live. This isnt our first child for each of us and maybe not the last but I would really hate to make the ultimate mistake and give my kid a wack name that I would regret for the rest of my life.

Two things pop out here
1)I mean this in the least offensive way possible but your girl sounds like a pretty huge cornball. I mean, listen, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are a famous fucking band but…come on…Jesus christ. This is like when people get a tattoo of a band on their arm except, instead of ink on skin it’s a full human being. Perhaps , I’d suggest you play her this song and it might give her a little perspective on the RHCP
http://rhcp2014.com/
2) Let’s not pretend that Michael isn’t an EXTREMELY normal name. It’s not like she wants to name him “Flea” or “The guy Michael I used to fuck”. So, your argument for a “normal name” doesn’t really make sense. That said, you are the father and should have as much say in naming your kid as your wife. Well, maybe not as much say…all you did was dump a load in her nine months ago. She did all the heavy lifting. Still, you should certainly have a voice.

There are so many elements of this that make me think you have a shitty fiance that it’s kinda hard to wrap my head around. Sure, Michael is one of the most common names ever but if you’re really set on not naming you own child that, how can she really deny you? You have legit reasons. If she was a reasonable person she would see that , perhaps, meeting you half way on this one would be the logical step. Who gets dead set on naming their kid after a red hot chile pepper to the point where it’s a matter of distress with their other half? It’s played out to say but compromise is one of the most crucial parts of a healthy relationship. If she can’t accept that then she needs to grow up…and stop listening to shitty music as well.

Hey there Dr. Tony. I’ve got a pretty weird situation here and I’m wondering what should be done.

For about 3 years, I had a mad crush on this guy we’re going to call Alex. We’re both artists, and from day one when he showed his self-portraits to the class, I was impressed with him. Impressed turned into smitten, and smitten turned into “determined to date”. We had a lot of common interests and I appreciated his feedback with art and his taste in film/music. Unfortunately, Alex was also an asshole and never did a nice thing for me in my life (except maybe his ability to pinpoint every vulnerability I had helped me to grow a thicker skin and value myself over the opinions of others– but that isn’t exactly “nice”).

But I recently found somebody who has all of Alex’s great qualities. The sharp mind, the artistic talent, a great eye for aesthetics, appealing taste in good film… the list goes on! We could talk for hours if he wasn’t so busy with work. Let’s call him Stan. Stan and I had lunch a while back that was amazing and he said he really wanted to see me again soon.

Now, the problem here is that Stan is Alex’s older brother.

We really hit it off. He’s exactly what I crave in a partner: creatively and intellectually stimulating. I got the feeling he was interested in spending more time with me whenever it’s next possible, we cure each others boredom. There’s amazing potential here, but I’m worried about his asshole brother Alex. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made a big fuss over me going for his brother.
The next issue is that Stan is being promoted to work on the west coast. Should I even bother investing myself in this if he’s just going to move across the country (we’re in the midwest) within the next year? Or is this something we’ll have to set aside for a few years down the line? I just worry about missing the opportunity.

First off, as much as you respect Alex’s mind and art, who gives a fuck what he thinks about when it comes to who you date? unless you two have a sexual/dating history together, he holds no ties with you. Hell, even if you drunkly fucked a few times, he has no ownership over you whatsoever. From the sound of it, he wasn’t interested in the first place and he’s kind of a self absorbed prick (typical artist , btw). So, if you wanna date his nicer, equally stimulating brother, hop on that.
Secondly, I’m always gonna be anti-long distance relationship. I think it’s simply too hard for most couples to get through. ESPECIALLY new couples. So, realistically, it’s probably not a great idea to get involved. That said, you could just say fuck it and see what happens. For all you know, it could just be a fun fling. You don’t need to start worrying about the relationship just yet. That’s one of those “cross the bridge when we get there” problems. So, I’d say go with what you feel but don’t lose sight that there’s a strong possibility it won’t work out for logistical reasons.

Hey Dr. T,

I’ve been dating this girl for a little over a year now and everything has gone great in terms of the relationship; I still love her to death, she is way in to me, the sex is good, meeting parents, etc. So everything is great in my relationship and there are times where I catch myself slipping and thinking about a future with her. That being said, I am twenty fucking one years old, and while I don’t necessarily want to go out and throw my dick at everything that moves, I feel at the same time like there are maybe ten (?) more years in my life where I can adventure with relationships and sex and be care free about any sort of long term commitment. So I guess what I’m asking is, is it worth it to break up a great relationship just because I think it is limiting my social potential?

Man, this is a tough one. Thing is, everyone is wired differently. Personally, I would never have been able to settle down at 21. Too many experiences out there to throw it all away over young love. I’m a strong proponent of people not dating seriously till after, like, 25. But that’s me…there are other dudes out there who don’t have those leanings. Guys who genuinely just fall in love with the girl of their dreams at the age of 20 and never look back. I take my hat off to those dudes…I also think they’re insane but, hey, that’s why we’re different.
But let’s be real, 21 is young. You may be an adult when you’re 21 but you’re really not there yet. In many ways, your head is still soft on the top.

So, the question for you is really what type of dude are you? You love this girl. Things are great. That’s swell. But, 9 years down the line, do you think you’ll feel the same way? I’m not baiting here…I’m asking that honestly. If you have an inkling that you are the type of guy who will look back on your youth regretting not getting to live life as a single guy in his 20’s, then I’d advise not settling down. But if you’re a guy who feels more comfortable in a relationship, then go for it. And don’t forget, this works both ways. You may be fiending for new ass a few years from now but, guess what? So will she. It’s human nature. The only thing stopping us from fucking everyone else are the basic rules of decency and centuries of blindly followed tradition.
So, I’d say , if you’re happy, roll with it. What’s the worst that can happen? You’re so young that it’s not even a factor yet. Wait till you’re 5 years deep in your relationship before you start worrying about any of this.

I’ve never had sex and have just gotten together with a girl for the first time. What method of birth control do you prefer? I keep hearing condoms suck, and the side effects for the pills look kind of shitty. Are there any things I should know about sex technique before having it or does it just come naturally?

Oh man…I’m the wrong guy to ask about this. When I was single, the prime ways of birth control were condoms, hoping the girl was on the pill or pulling out and crossing my fingers. Well, I had no kids or diseases so Hooray!
But, lucky for you, you’re probably less of a piece of shit than I was so I’d say roll with condoms for now. For two reasons:
1)They’re easy to use and you can control your own usage of them. No relying on the word of another person.
2)because you’re a virgin, you need all the help you can get. You’re gonna bust your nut so quickly the first few times, it’s gonna seem like sex is impossible. With a condom on, it lessens the sensitivity and that may help prolong your experience. It’s like training wheels for your dick, in that sense. You’re not ready for that raw dawg life…that is for certain. To be clear, yes, condoms do suck. But , considering where you’re at now, you won’t know the difference. You tell a kid who just got his first hand job that hand jobs suck, he’ll look at you like a crazy cause he’s never gotten head before. We learn and get more refined as we go.
As far as technique, penis goes in, penis goes out. There’s no one thing I can tell you that will make you a great lover. All I can say is pay attention to the person you’re having sex with. Read their cues. If you want to make it a pleasurable experience for both of you, that’s important. It’s similar to having a good conversation with someone. Pacing and timing are crucial but paying attention is the key. Also, learn about vaginas. Clits, bro, clits.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 32


The Doctor is back, fake diploma on the wall and everything. This is a column where I take questions from readers about things like love and life and do my best to walk them through it. To be clear, I’m not a registered doctor. I didn’t even graduate college. So, this is just like advice from a buddy minus all the sugar coating cause, well, I don’t know you. What do I care? That said, I’m a generally level headed guy and will tell you what needs to told with no agenda or cushion for your feelings.
If you have questions of the heart that you’d like me to take a stab at, send them my way: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. It’s all anonymous so this is a safe place. So, without further ado, let’s get into it.

A friend with benefits has recently become more than just a friend with benefits. We both have feelings for each other and she definitely wants me to commit and make her my girlfriend. I first started hooking up with her senior year of high school. We ended up going to the same college and hooking up throughout the first half of freshmen year. She got a boyfriend and dated him until we graduated college (26 years old now). We stayed friends the entire time and we share many of the same close friends now back at home.

She’s an attractive, laid back girl with a good personality and sense of humor. Once she became single after college we started boning on and off again. Within the past 4 months we’ve become a lot more serious. You could basically say we’re dating but I refuse to admit that we’re a couple.

Here’s why: she fucked one of my best friends about 8 months ago. This is a dude that we hang out with all the time. People keep telling me to not let her go, that she’s a keeper, blah blah blah. BUT SHE FUCKED THE HOMIE. I can’t seem to get over it. If it wasn’t for this I would probably be all about getting serious with her. Am I overreacting? Are my feelings warranted? WHY DID SHE HAVE TO FUCK THE HOMIE?
Forgot to mention that the hookup between said girl and my good friend was a drunken one night stand and that I was banging another girl at the time…

Getting bent out of shape about a girls past lovers is some bitch shit. Get over it, bro. So she fucked your friend. She doesn’t like him. Shit happens. You gotta be man enough to not be threatened by that. Unless you’re somehow intimidated by the prowess this guy might have had with your “girl” but, even then, she likes you. That’s all that matters.
This question is one that I’ve noticed come up a few times here and in real life amongst people I actually know. I’ve always felt it was a non-issue. It’s only a problem if she actually seriously dated your friend or has an open and long standing sexual relationship with him currently. Then I’d understand why one might balk. But a drunken one off? Who cares. Would you think less of her if you had fucked one of her friends? you wouldn’t even blink at that. Think of it this way, you weren’t fucking her at the time , she didn’t know the future between you, AND she just got out of a long term relationship. Guess what? She got laid that night. Good for her. Don’t be a vaginal warden.
But really, this all comes down to you and how secure you are. I certainly have friends who could not handle that kinda of thing on any level and have ditched good girls cause of it. So, if that’s deal breaker for you, it is what it is. But, personally? I think it’s not worth a second thought. You like her and she’s indeed a “keeper”, don’t let your insecurities and sexual puritanism get in the way of that.

Dr. Tony, will try to make this as short as possible
3 months ago i met this guy through a good friend, we all went out for drinks and i remember being immediately attracted to him, a little through the night he began to flirt with me and eventually we made out in the club and couldn’t get our hands off each other,we really bonded through deep drunken conversations and confessions, it felt like weve been friends for a long time and i dont think ive ever felt that comfortable with someone that i just met. (because i had just gotten out of a dreadful relationship i really wasn’t looking for anything beyond a little fun and sex.) therefore i decided to go with the flow and sleep with him that night. i ended up spending the whole night and next day with him, it was great. he also told me that hes never felt that comfortable with someone new, no awkwardness or anything. so that next day ended when i had to travel back to my country. we exchanged numbers and i went to the airport thinking last night was great but it will clearly not go anywhere as we live in different countries.
I text him a day later telling him that i had a great time etc. and since then we started texting and calling eachother daily, we got to know more about eachother yet, how much can you know when the person is not in your face?!
About 3 weeks after daily texting, calling and phone sex, i was traveling again for a month to a country thats near his country, so he came to see me the first weekend, and we spent 3 days together. it turned out to be even better than the first time we met. I still didn’t have my hopes up for anything to escalate and i wasn’t thinking of it too much i was just busy being carried away with the moment. Also most importantly, that weekend he referred to me as his girlfriend. Another 2 weeks pass and he comes to see me again for one night, every time we see eachother it just seems to be getting better n better. that last night he told me that hes developing really strong feelings for me and i def was on the same page as he is. everything was going just fine, up until a week after the last time i saw him he suddenly started acting a little distant, less phone calls, no texts, which is always a bad sign, plus i know that long distance never works out so i also had that in mind. he told me that he was very stressed from work and i understood that, i never gave him a hard time about it as i really believe in giving ppl their space. for a good week he would suddenly act distant then suddenly be all caring and nice, and i just went along with it like theres nothing, at that time he told me that he will be going for masters in summer which means he will be in a completely different continent and time zone.
His family member gets a serious health issue, which brings him to be more distant for yet another and final week. i tried to be there for him yet in the same time i didnt want to impose too much.
to cut this very long story short, he calls me end of that week and tells me that he wants to put what we have on hold (which i understood as a break up) as he has alot going on right now and he cant handle having any obligations. I was very understanding and accepting of what he was saying, i also believed it was for the best as i still think long distance ruins everything. at the end of the break up phone call he told me that hes falling for me. ironic.
3 days after the break up he calls me briefly to check up on me and thats the last ive heard from him.
ive been around enough to doubt things around me, so my question is, did this guy play me just to get what he wants or does this whole thing sound genuine? i mean he was getting the sex anyway so why go through all the hassle? or did he just realize shit this is going nowhere and distance is a bitch. i also thought maybe he met someone else or something. i dont know. im just a little weirded out by the whole turn of events. maybe in a different time and place.
Sorry for the long ass essay, plz help! it feels good to rant.

Anytime someone write “I’ll make this as brief as possible” it basically means “This is gonna be loooooong as fuck”. All good, you got across your point and question.
Wellllll…this is tough cause , honestly, it could be any number of things. He could have honestly felt the way he did, threw himself into a long distance relationship more than he should have and then got overwhelmed. Or he could have had another girl…or he’s one of those guys who treats every hook up he has like he’s falling in love again thus, confusing the shit out of every girl he hooks up with.
I can only judge from what I wrote but it does seem like he invested a decent amount of time in you though. Honestly, any dude willing to actually talk on the phone extensively with a girl in 2014 is going the extra mile. Most would keep it to text, email or skype (for some of that chat sex!), ESPECIALLY long distance.
It sounds to me that the distance and personal issues on his side were a real factor. Even if it wasn’t the personal issues, the distance was. Maybe he started being distant in an effort to make the break easier…or maybe he was fucking some other girl. That’s the problem with long distance relationships. You will never truly know. Not to mention, this is a guy you met at a club. For all you know he could be a serial Killing pedophile. In which case, I’d say you dodged that bullet!


So I work with international students who coincidentally come from countries where plastic surgery is rampant in the upper classes (L.A. has nothing on them,I swear). I’m very close with some of the girls who come study here….almost like an older sister. And it breaks my heart when a 17yo beauty talks about getting butt and breast implants when she gets home or when a 22yo talks about changing her entire fucking face! To put my question into general terms – when you have a mentor-type kind of relationship with teens/young adults….is there anything at all you can do or say to prevent them from making stupid decisions…or is it futile to even try?

As someone who has no kids, this advice is definitely based on nothing but here it goes. Kids are gonna be kids. And , as they get older, they only get more grounded in their opinions and ideals. Think of yourself when you were that age? When I was 17, I would have probably ended friendships over someone telling me Kool G Rap was a bad rapper, let alone something that really mattered to me. Basically, people that age have the unfortunate balance of thinking they know everything and knowing absolutely nothing. All libido and no foresight.
If a 17 year old has their mind made up about something like that (especially something that is, in a way, rebelling) they’re gonna do it. Problem is, getting your face and tits remade isn’t like a navel ring or a tattoo on your ankle. That shit is expensive surgery. I suppose, all you can do it try and reason with them using the “Trust me, in five years you will regret this deeply”. That’s what I tell any young person who wants to get a music based tattoo (meaning a band or rapper they like at that moment). But, overall, the best you can do is try and reason with them on their level. Appeal to their ego and insecurities. That’s why they wanna do that shit in the first place.

hey Dr T, could you elaborate more on “many of us tend to know our long term plans for a girl very early on. We know how far we’re willing to let this thing go before it’s past the point of us being into it.” how would u determine these plans ? based on what ?

This is something I mentioned in an earlier edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. I forget the original question but my point was that, with men, we generally have a decent idea of how far we want to go with a girl emotionally when we first meet them. By that , I mean we can think “Oh, I wanna hit that a few times” or “I’d have long term casual sex with her” or “I could totally wife her up”. Thing is , this is our initial reaction and that is subject to change. I’m sure girls do a variation of the same thing. Only difference is, I find girls are able to open up to dudes down the line in a way I’d say most guys are incapable of. A woman’s attraction levels can go from “He’s disgusting” to “I want to date him” over the course of a night depending on what that guys brings to the table, intelligence, humor and charm wise. Why do you think there are so many hot girls with busted dudes? Guys, however, are far more shallow and that kind of flip in attraction only occurs over long periods of time. Sure, most guys will put their dick in anything but they’re aware of the ceiling , where that girl is concerned.
So, what determines these plans?
I’d say it’s different for all guys. The first thing we see is the physical side. We can look at a girl and be like “Is she hot enough to actually date?”. Yes, this is wildly presumptuous, but it’s what we actually do. Keep in mind, this is going on first impressions. Attraction does tend to shift the more you’re around someone. So, if she’s not “wifey” standard hot, then you find where she lands on the attractiveness scale. She’s cute, sexy, busted, etc…ALso, keep in mind this is done in reverse. Meaning, the scale starts with “would I hit it?” and goes up from there.
The next step is figuring out her personality. Is she cool? Is she annoying? Is she smart? Is she a girl who clearly only will sleep with a boyfriend? Is she a party girl who seems down for whatever? Like I said earlier, it’s really on a guy to guy basis and dependent on what they’re looking for. Some guys like big titties. They see big titties and that girl is placed on a higher plateau. It’s all relative.
I know this sounds absolutely terrible but , for many guys, it’s how we think. It’s in our nature. The same way a girl can meet a dude for five minutes and know she’s gonna have sex with him. It’s all based on a feeling. But, sadly, it’s also based heavily on the physical side of things. A persons depth and value doesn’t actually come into play until you actually know them. Such is life!

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 31

best_love_advice_from_your_mom
It’s been a while but the doctor is back in. Honestly, I was just waiting on some more questions and you guys delivered. Here’s the thing, I need you to keep delivering. If you have anything you feel you need advice about (love life or life in general), send me those questions. Email them to me at: Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. Everything this is anonymous so don’t be a pussy about it.
Anyway, in case you’re new to this, this is a column where I answer questions submitted by readers about their fucked up lives. What qualifies me to do this? Absolutely nothing. Aside from being told by friends that I’m a level headed, honest guy who gives solid advice , I really have no business telling you strangers what to do with your lives. So, you know, keep that in mind. I’m not a doctor. I’m not even a college graduate. But, I will shoot straight and , best of all, I don’t know you so it’s not like I’m biased. Trust me, your friends are blowing smoke up your ass.
Here’s this weeks batch full of lost loves, cheating and a lady who has lots of love to give to her friends. God bless her heart.

Dr. Tony:

I’m looking for a little guidance here. I recently went to Austin, TX to hangout with a 40 something I know under the premise that it was a date sort of thing that weekend. I’m 29, and if I’m being honest, hooking up with her over this weekend definitely checked an item off my bucket list; that being bagging a cougar. We have hung out before; I stopped in to visit her on my way back from a vacation to Padre in south Texas. I live in OK, so it’s not a far drive, about 5 hrs. She’s trying to catch feelings, and while she’s a cool lady and we get along great, and she is definitely attractive, I dunno if this is an avenue I want to go down for a few reasons: 1) She lives in Austin and I’m pretty sure has no plans to move 2) Austin is the shit but I’m well into a successful career in OK and have a bitchin set of friends and I don’t want to have to try and rebuild either of those things in a new place and 3) I dunno if I want offspring yet, I feel I might though, and kids are definitely not in this gals future anymore. All that being said, should I entertain a semi-long distance relationship with this lady to pass the time for now, or figure out a way to remain platonic friends?

I love that dudes have sexual check lists. I mean, I get why it’s just a funny thing to obsess over. They treat is eating or something.
“I gotta eat KC BBQ before I die bro…and also I gotta bang a paraplegic on a sex swing!”
Anyway, considering this seems like something you did to add another notch on your belt of sexual majesty, I dunno if entertaining a long distance relationship with this woman is the right choice. For one, it’s a long distance relationship and those kind of things should only be relegated to people who genuinely feel they have to be together. From reading your words it’s clear she’s not that important to you. Calling a girl you’re fucking ” a cool chick” is generally male code for “She’s alright and not super annoying but I’m not trying to wife her up”.
Secondly, if you’re aware of her starting to catch feelings and know that you’ll never feel the same way, then you’re just toying with her emotions. Sure, she’s 40 and has probably been through the ringer already enough to know what’s really going on but still…if just seems like you’d be keeping her around as someone you can have sex with anytime you feel up for a 5 hour drive.
So, I’d say let it go and chalk it up to the distance being impractical for what you two are looking for in the relationship. OR be a total lying piece of shit and just tell her what she wants to hear, keep fucking her and live your life in OK like she doesn’t exist. You could always do that too…really depends on how big of an asshole you are.

Dr. T,

I have hooked up friends in the past. Maybe because it was either like a drunken fluke…and/or as single attractive adults it only seemed natural for it to happen eventually. Obviously we have enough in common that I like them as people enough to have hooked up with. Thing is…we also have mutual friends in common. For the most part…with a couple of them, we are still good friends and its not awkward at all. Probably because we’ve drawn the line and not hooked up a second time.

One “friend” yeahh i admittedly was more naive to his sweet talk, leading on, and to what his closer pals say is his notorious “man-whore”ness. I am not salty, I was just definitely caught up on feelings that were hard to forget until finding someone else who I shared that kinda chemistry with. Thing is… that last someone was an old friend of his, someone who I have hung out with much more in the past year by either going out to shows alone or socially. We have a lot in common musically, laugh at each other jokes, and have flirted a lot in the past.

Since we have a fairly close group of friends… It just feels like we are walking on thin ice whether to continue hooking up because it could ruin a perfectly good friendship dynamic. Should I say something, if I’m just slightly crushing and want to pursue things further? Or continue to play cool?

In short, What’s the deal with hooking up with friends? Is there such thing as friends with benefits, possibly even more, if we already hang out so often?

First off, you sound like you have a problem of shitting where you eat. Nothing wrong with casually and drunkenly hooking up with people in your circle but, from the sounds of it, you might be 5 or 6 dudes deep in a crew…and that’s not a good look. I don’t mean that in a “Slut shaming” kinda way either. If you like hooking up and it makes you happy, do you. However, there is a good chance the boys of your friend circle are keenly aware of your practices and reacting accordingly. I’m just saying, be aware of who your friends are and who are just dudes that are nice to you cause they’re trying to get in your pants. You’d be amazed how many male “friends” would vanish if you suddenly grew a penis.
As far as friend hook ups, I’m 100% in support of them as long as both parties involved are on the same wave length. The second one person starts to feel more than the other, it’s a disaster waiting to happen. So, really, Friends with benefits can work but it’s kinda like baking a cake. You need the exact ingredients and measurements. Too much baking soda and that cake will taste like shit.
Beyond that, it is rare that a friends with benefits situations turns into love. Life isn’t that Justin Timberlake movie. I’m not saying it’s impossible, just highly unlikely. To let you in to the male psyche, many of us tend to know our long term plans for a girl very early on. We know how far we’re willing to let this thing go before it’s past the point of us being into it. Meaning, we’ll meet a girl , think she’s cute but know right away, for some reason or another, that we’d never settle down with her long term. Perhaps she’s a girl we’d like to have a booty call relationship with or maybe just date casually but that’s it. As you can imagine, this kinda shit leads to girls being confused constantly by our mixed messages and when we randomly just stop calling/texting.
So , with this in mind, think about what you want out of the men in your friend circle before getting involved with them. If you just wanna get laid and you’re not bothered by the social stigmas of that, then it’s generally all good. If you want to date a specific guy and actually like him, you can’t treat it like you would the other guys you’ve hooked up with in the crew. Basically, these type of relationships are gonna be what you make them. Just be aware.

Ehi Dr. Tony, I have a question for you. Here’s the situation: Me and my girlfriend are together since one year and a half, I really love her but this summer I met my ex girlfriend that I didn’t talk with since three years; I met her in a party. Then we started talking about this three years that we didn’t talk and seen each other, I told her how she made me feel when she left me. From that day we got back in touch with each other, we start texting and we discovered that there was kind of attraction beetween us. One week later we went out for a beer and when I brought her home we kissed each other. I’m still with my girlfriend, I love her but she doesn’t know what happened; sometimes my ex grilfriend and that kiss come to my mind. What would you do? Would you continue to be with you girlfriend or you put all into play with the other girl? Sorry for the english but I am italian 🙂

Well, even though it’s minor, the cheating seal has been broken and the wheels are obviously turning. I have a feeling no matter what I say here your mind is made up. The flicker of desire one has for an old flame can grow quickly and , the fact she’s on your mind that much, leads me to believe it’s only a matter of time before you’re obsessing over her and your new girl catches wind.
Personally, I would generally advise against rekindling old loves cause , sometimes, we tend to forget why they ended in the first place. It seems as if only the good parts of this person come back, meanwhile, we forget all those moments where they’d walk out the room and you’d be sitting there giving her the finger behind her back. And if this girl was one who didn’t speak with you for three years, I gotta think it ended in a somewhat turbulent manner.
Regardless of either, you already crossed the line by making out, as harmless as it may have been. The whole thing would lead me to believe you don’t really wanna be with your current girl that much (cause if you did, you woulda been able to control yourself). Maybe you need to just be single and not deal with either of them?

If someone is in a monogamous relationship (not married) and you completely have feelings for that person, should you let them know or completely hide it? Like, how horrible is it to kinda pursue someone with a girlfriend even though you know it probably won’t mean shit? I don’t mean this is a creepy or forceful way, but sometimes I get this vibe that this boy with a girlfriend (who doesn’t make him very happy) wants me back. It’s not like I’m gonna start caressing his dick, or even kiss him…but I’d date him in a heartbeat if I had the chance. What kinda boundaries do you think there are in situations like that? All is fair in love and war? I guess I kinda see it as like you gotta keep a baseline level of respect but if he wants to stray from his girl, that’s his call.

So, umm…tell me more about this dick caressing, penthouse forum.
Listen, if a dude is taken,he’s taken. You can flirt and make him aware that, if he were single, you’d be a willing option, but beyond that, you’d be an asshole to interfere in anyone’s relationship for your own selfish desires. And all the “she doesn’t make him happy” shit is a bad excuse. Even if she doesn’t, it’s not your job to fill that role.
Even if the dude flirts back, it doesn’t mean much. If he’s a wifed up dude, he’s probably just happy to know he can still attract women at all.
And , let’s say you do flirt and the guy escalates it to where things might get physical, you realize you’d be willfully dating a dude that has no qualms with cheating on his girlfriend? I know you could argue about how you’re a different girl than her and blah blah blah but , really, cheaters gonna cheat.
From the sound of it, you’re 100% down with being a girl he cheats with as long as you don’t instigate the actual first move. That’s cool and all and , if you don’t believe in Karma, then what’s stopping you? Just know that by doing so, both you and the dudes are starting something from a bad place. It’s rare something like that will grow into anything that isn’t eventually toxic for both parties involved. Not saying it’s impossible, just highly unlikely (that should be the tag phrase for this column). And, really, don’t be the “other woman”. For the sake of honest and trustworthy women everywhere. That’s just corny. It just gives us dudes yet another reason to be assholes to you guys and justify our shitty behavior.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 30


I haven’t done one of these is a loooooooooong time. Why? Cause apparently no one wants my advice/insight. Fair enough. I don’t blame you. After all, I’m as qualified to give life advice to strangers as I am to perform heart surgery. Still, I contend that I’ll at least shoot straighter than your bummy homeboy/girl who has their own agenda. So, if you’d like some of my bullshit wisdom bestowed upon you, please, send me questions…I can give advice on all things (Or I can try, at least). Not just matters of the heart. Send them my way. Leave them in the comments below or email them to me at @phatfriendblog@gmail.com. Everything is anonymous.
As for this installment, the questions are all over the place but, hey, I take what I get. Help me help you.

I think if men were completely honest most of them would admit that they really don’t care if their girlfriends/wives fake their orgasms. Do you think that’s true? Also, logic tells me that if women enjoyed sex as much as men do their appetite for it would be equal, and yet most people agree that it isn’t. In general men seem to need and want sex more than women do. How would you explain this?

I disagree deeply with your synopsis. The way I see it, there are two types of men. Men who care if they get their “lover” (I loath that word) off and men who don’t. For the ones who do care, we genuinely want the person we’re having sex with to have an orgasm. If a girl fakes it and we knew, it would probably piss us off. Not at the girl but at ourselves cause it would be like we couldn’t get the job done. Granted, situations vary and things happen within sexual encounters all the time that make a females orgasm an unattainable feat…but , in general, I like to think that , for the men who actually care, they want the real thing. The downside of this is , sometimes, it’s just not gonna happen for the girl and this leads to a dude boning a girl for way too long. He’s hitting it for an hour hoping to get her there but she checked out 45 minutes ago and is very likely sore. But, hey, at least his heart is in the right place. Dudes that genuinely don’t give a shit about the pleasure of the person they’re having sex with befuddle me. Those guys are basically jerking off with another humans body. Those guys surely don’t give a fuck if a girl fakes it or not cause, really, they don’t give a fuck about her on any level to begin with.

As for sexual appetite, I think there are many layers to that. I think, off the bat, men are hornier. We can look at a girl on the street and immediately want to put our penis inside her, no questions asked. Women are a little more picky in that sense. Now, that could be from decades of slut shaming or just a part of their DNA. I have no fucking idea. But, whatever it is, they tend to be more careful with who they swap fluids. While you or me might be willing to go raw dogs with a complete stranger based entirely on the fact they have nice tits, I’m pretty sure a complete stranger having rock hard abs would , at the very least, warrant a condom usage for most women. That just speaks on the carnal desires men have based entirely on visuals. The woman could be a nazi sympathizer with a voice like Fran dresher and most guys would probably still hit it if it was available.
However, once a more consistent flow of sex is happening, I think a woman’s appetite far exceeds most mens. Once they’re getting it, they want it all the time. Where as, once a dude falls into a comfort cycle of sex, it’s no longer an urgent for us. We don’t need it 5 times a day. Hell, a lot of dudes in relationships cringe at the thought of that and would probably be cool with a couple of times a week tops.
Basically, what I’m saying is that the whole scale of desire for sex between the different sexes is constantly shifting depending on the situation and the people. Men and women have a similar want for sex, they often just desire it in different ways and under different circumstances.

Hey Block, Roommate took me out to introduce me to his girls roommate seeing as she was having dude trouble. Some how the dating spectrum came up and we were all discussing the differences between seeing someone, dating, relationships and marriage. All confusing labels people put on shit. Me, being the casanova guy I am, decide to quote you from “Cook it up” and say “Well no ring on the finger no strings attached”. Immediately I was defending myself and eating my words but being the naive person I am, I still believe that shit I bumped back in high school and you saying No ring on the finger, no Strings attached….How true is this? Am I rightfully an asshole?

I think you took a song that wasn’t supposed to be serious as gospel. That song is a tongue in cheek , made up story of how Aesop was terrible at bagging girls. The lyrics I sang on there were meant to be completely ignorant and off base. So, you know, you might not wanna follow those words as life lessons.
That said, TECHNICALLY, until the ring is on the finger, I suppose you could pull that line. However, it’s completely overlooking the concept of a monogamous relationship between two people who aren’t married. So, it sorta ends right there unless you’re a scumbag.
I will say that there is a definitive line with exclusivity within relationships and , until that topic is discussed and agreed upon between the two people, there truly aren’t strings attached. You could be in love with someone but if you haven’t had the “Let’s not see other people/let’s be a couple” convo, you’re free to put your genitals where ever you so desire.

Do you think monogamy is natural or something society made? Does it come second nature to you or do you wish you could sleep with chicks but decided not to in respect for your relationship?

I do think monogamy is some made up shit. I think the idea of pairing up forever is definitely something that is not natural to anyone but penguins. For me, I don’t have trouble being monogamous but it’s definitely not how my brain is wired. Being in a relationship, I have to actively shut down my natural urges out of love and respect for my girl. I assume that’s how everyone is but , then again, every now and then you’ll meet a motherfucker on some “I don’t even notice other women…” story. Gotta say, I don’t buy that shit for a second but enough people spew it that, perhaps, there might be some validity to it. But, personally, I’m not like that. The desire to want to fuck other people never goes away. In love, out of love, depressed…whatever. All you can do, if you have chosen to be with someone is , is deal with it.
And this isn’t one-sided. I’m sure my girl wants to fuck tons of people too. I guess the only thing stopping people from doing so is respect for the other person and a feeling of duty, as someone in a relationship, to not fuck over the person you love.
I’d imagine, had the world come together differently, this might not be an issue. There would be no stigma of coupling up and it would be a free for all. I’m sure cavemen put their dicks in whatever they could without considering anyone’s feelings.
So, yeah, while nature may dictate that monogamy is not natural, we do it anyway. I still can’t pinpoint if that’s cause we’re civilized or cause we’re fucking idiots.

After reading a number of Ask Dr. Tonys, I’m getting the concept that you know what your talking about when it comes to dating (or at least have enough experience with it to have a few tips). Could you give your top 3 DO’s and DON’Ts of dating?

The most comical thing about this is the concept of me knowing anything about “dating”. I’ve been on maybe 4 proper dates in my life. Every one of them was already pretty much a guaranteed success before it even began (I was never a gambling man when it come to those types of things). Meaning, I wasn’t going out on dates with strangers and feeling them out awkwardly with hopes of a good night kiss down the line. No, my dates were girls I knew were down so the risk/reward ratio was greatly in my favor.
So, yeah, dating tips…I dunno. I feel as if dating tips can also just be general life tips for co-existing and conversing with other people.
So, some do’s for dating?
1)Listen to the other person
2)It’s a date , not a job interview. No one needs to hear your fucking resume
3)Get drunk

Don’ts?
1)Don’t talk about yourself the whole time
2)Don’t get creepy
3)Don’t murder that person

Nah, but seriously, there are so many things to do and not do on dates, a list of three things is pretty arbitrary. It’s funny cause I’ll hear stories from girls I know about dates they have where I can’t believe the man would act that way with a girl. Stories of extremely premature groping, a dude walking out mid-dinner on a date that was seemingly going fine, and dick exposing at the dinner table.
At the same time, I’ve heard stories from dudes where the girl bought another dude with her to a date or where the girl got drunk as quick as possible and ended up vomiting before the dinner arrived (This is actually not uncommon. Ladies be drinking when they’re nervous).
In both cases, it just goes to show you how completely clueless people can be about basic human interaction.

Dating is both exciting and stressful. My best advice would be to try to alleviate that stress as much as possible. Play it cool. Be casual. Treating a date like an interview can only get you so far. Just go about it like you’re casually hanging out with a friend but with a slightly flirty edge. You can keep the mood light and see where it takes you.

My dates always went one of two ways. The way I described above or they’d start mellow but spin into a crazy conversation where the girl is eventually giving me detailed reenactments of how her uncle smoked crack once and tried to touch her inappropriately. The latter way being pretty intense really quickly but, not for nothing, it definitely would pan out physically later.
So, you know, be yourself and shit.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 31


It’s been a while but I’m back again with that completely off base advice you know and love. As always, I should warn, I’m not a licensed anything but I do shoot from the hip and try to give you the least “blowing smoke up your ass” advice as possible. If you’re having trouble in love or, really, trouble in any aspect of live that you feel needs guidance, I’m a great impartial outlet to unload your burdens on. Trust me, you’re friends are sick of hearing it. So, if you got issues, holler at me. Email me questions at Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave the questions in the comments below. Everything is anonymous and kosher. This is as safe a place as you can find on the internet.
Let’s look at this weeks batch of questions…

I could use some of your insight on this issue I have. So, I’ve been dating the same girl for about five years and I’m 19 years old. We were in love, and she’s the only person I’ve dated seriously. I met another girl a while back, and I never thought I would see her again but she facebooked me and one thing led to another, and I started to get some real feelings for her. I never intended this, and I felt like I was going crazy. We hooked up a couple times, but naturally my girlfriend found out and the whole thing blew up in my face.
After the fallout both of these women still wanna talk and hang out. Part of me wants to work things out with her and another wants me to keep seeing this new girl, and see how things play out. But the more I am alone with my thoughts, I just wanna crawl under a rock for stringing both these girls along.
Anyway, do you think I am too young to be monogamous without living a life full of regret? Just from a practical standpoint, is it time to move on?

This is tough cause, from the outside looking in, clearly you should not be marrying the first girl you date seriously. I mean, jesus christ, you started dating her when you were 14! You realize you’re going to live to be in your 80’s most likely, right? If you’re already having those feelings of “Hmm…maybe I wanna test the waters” now, I can only tell you it gets worse the older you get. Especially when you hit like 30 and you’ve only seen one vagina. What are you, a pastor?
Again, from the outside looking in, I’d say move on from them both and just be a single person for a while. You’re really young. Settling down should be something way off in the distance. I don’t even understand why people in their teens and early 20’s even try deeply monogamous and intense relationships in the first place. I mean, we all did it but and, looking back, it seems like a waste of time. But, it’s also learning experience as well so I suppose it’s got some value.
Now, I’ve been talking about “the outside looking in” here a lot cause, straight up, I don’t know you. Maybe you’re one of those guys who is a “one love” kinda person (not to be confused with rapper Nas, who meant that phrase completely differently). Perhaps the prospect of trying many different vaginas over the course of your life isn’t a big deal to you. Maybe you want to be married with kids by the time you’re 22. If that’s the case than, honestly, I’m not the guy who should be giving you advice. So, uh, go with your heart or something. But, if it were me? I’d break up with the high school love, hook up with the facebook girl casually and get the single guy ball rolling as soon as possible.

I just found out I have HPV. I am a guy. I show no symptoms. How am I supposed to handle this? Never have sex with a woman again? Tell every girl I hope to sleep with that I have HPV? If so, and in your expert opinion, won’t that kill the mood a bit? Do you think if I play a John Legend record while I’m telling them I have HPV I’m more likely to be successful?

How do you know if you have HPV if you have no symptoms? Isn’t part of HPV that most guys don’t know they have it and,thus, it gets spread around unknowingly? I read that over 50% of adult, sexually active men have it and I’m willing to be most of them have no idea.
Perhaps you should read this cause, you know, I’m not a doctor:http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv.htm
HPV is a tough one for men cause it doesn’t fuck us up but it does open the door for women to possible cancer. So, at worst, you get some warts while she’s possibly having her cervix removed. So, yeah…it’s pretty crucial to tell people. At the same time, condoms don’t always work to stop it from being passed along so, by telling them, you’re basically alerting them that, in all likelihood, you will be giving this virus to them. That’s some sexy shit.
Will it kill the mood? definitely. The john legend music is a good idea, it’s just too bad no crooner has made the “I got HPV but I wanna fuck you” Anthem yet. It’s only a matter of time though so hold tight.
I think what you gotta hope for is that you just happen to sleep with girls that already have it so it’s not an issue. On the bright side, the %’s are in your favor with that one so, hey, go nuts.
Also, the new generation has been vaccinated way more so that might help too. Try sleeping with 18 year olds and that might better the chances of them already being immune to it.

Hello! I am a 25 year old girl going out with a 23 year old guy, weve been on for about 5 or 6 months now. At first we would have sex at least once everytime we got together which would be 3-4 times a week. It was an intense initial connection we couldnt keep our hands off eachother and had fun interesting conversations along with this passionate mind altering sex. But in the past month or so he isnt initiating the sex near as much and even kinda shrugs me off if i try to. We still do it but its dwindled to about once a week. He works 40+ hours/ week and is remodeling his house so i dont see where he would have time to be seeing someone else. He has a lot going on in his family and their business, its a sad messed up situation that i know stresses and worries him alot. I guess my question is should i be worried? Do you think stress could be bringing him down that much? Im a sexual person and need to get it in more than once a week and we only live about 5 minutes from eachother. I understand that something like 5 6 times a day is an addiction, and i dont even need it every other day but could i be overwhelming him with my sexdrive? Is it possible for a guy to be overwhelmed with sex? Hes made comments like he wants to balance our physical connection with our mental connection (not in those corny words). Hes never been the type to sleep around a lot either, weve been good friends for years and finally took it to the next level. I know im attractive and he is attractive to me so what the hell?

This is a topic that comes up a lot. This could be happening for many reasons and I won’t be able to really pinpoint one…but I can list possibilities…
1)He’s tired of fucking you
Straight up, it happens. You ever heard the phrase “Show me the most beautiful woman in the world and I’ll show you a guy who’s tired of fucking her”? it exists cause it’s real. Now, granted, he’s a little young to be signing off in the way you describe but it’s possible. Things like this are why it’s important to have a relationship deeper than just sex…but it’s also sometimes what separates friends from lovers.
2)He’s actually tired/stressed out
It’s possible. Sometimes, after a healthy sexual relationship has been established, dudes get comfortable. He’s content with once a week cause he’s actually got other shit on his plate. The shitty part about this is that, in a lot of cases, once in a relationship, the girl gets way hornier while the guys need to have sex wanes a little. So, while a once a week bone sesh might not be enough for you, he’s perfectly happy with that as his mind is dealing with problems/issues he deems more pressing. But, again, he’s 23…when I was 23 fucking was #1 priority. I could have been up for three days in a row and had the flu and I’d still find a way to make it work.
3)He’s cheating
Eh..doesn’t sound like it but it’s always possible. Much like the horniness of a typical 23 year old willing their way to bone under any circumstance, a dude can always find time to cheat if he sets his mind to it. That said, i don’t get that feeling from this question so I wouldn’t freak out about that too much.
4)His sex drive is down due to medication/drugs
Is he on anti-depression medication? Some of those have been known to kill a persons sex drive. Same with smoking shit tons of weed. Or doing heroin. If he’s medicating himself in anyway, that might be a reason his sex drive is down.
5)He simply may be signing out of the relationship in a slow, cowardly manner
Unlike the idea of #1 where he’s tired of having sex with you, this is deeper. That first example is more just settling into long term relationship complacency. This one is more dire. Often, when dudes are over a situation, they just start creating subtle distance. The lack of sex could be the first step. Honestly, considering his age, this one seems like the most likely to me of all these possibilities. He’s too young to have a dead sex drive and the fact you live 5 minutes apart really gives him no excuse. He might be limiting the sex cause, subconsciously, he doesn’t want to add fuel to relationships fire. He’s rather it slowly burn out. You mentioned you were friends first so he might feel cornered in how to deal with this all, as this relationship clearly has a history beyond you two just dating.

Since yer “trying to help” I need a good solid from ya on this one, guy. I’d love it if you had a separate advice column other than the Doctor T in all honesty, seems like ya gotta pertty good head on those shoulders. Anyway, I’m an avid follower a this here blog so I know yer not really into the drugs. Recently had a friend puddle me and a couple other friends while puddled himself (puddled=squirted with liquid LSD, not dropped, squirted, meaning you ingested close to about ten hits er more). We’ve been puddled before though…but he then went fucking crazy and I do mean batshit crazy. Cops came and we got the noise violation cuz we were loud yadda yadda..but I of course had to fuckin deal with them(actually just him) while I’m seein the air move and shit ON TOP of the fact that I’m in trouble with the law and not sposed to drink though I was drunk of course(fuckin nutso if ya trip and don’t drink..that type a shit is done in the forest alone). Turned out I grew up with the cops kid and used to go to his house as a wee boy so he gave me a break, thank the universe, or I woulda been faced in a jail cell. But then after the ticket he went bonkers. Was screaming “Punch me in the fuckin face clyde!” in the kitchen of my parents house nonetheless, who were outta town. I had to put him down ten feet from some antiques n shit when I’m tryin to keep my parents house intact! Him and I have fought before, which is fucked, as I never started SHIT, but finished it. That didn’t calm him down though… So I was on the verge a goin to jail just faced an all, thinkin about callin the cops on HIM. The fuck? Anyway had to lead in with that…questions this. I know this guy through and through and he’s done A LOT of questionable shit(can’t even get started). Previous to said atrocity of a trip(most stressed I have EVER been) I had forgave his past wrongs and we were tight. After, I’m wondering…isn’t this kid a liability if he put me and 2 other guys in a position to go to jail while we were all trippin face? Should I never give a kid I’ve known over a decade who yes, has his faults, but also has experienced some wonderful things with me, another chance, as then that would make ME the fool for giving dude another shot? I mean…I’m trying to see it as “well drugs will fuck ya up, ey” but can’t help thinkin I’ve been surrounding myself with a guy who’d steal yer wallet then help ya look for it.

I think I need a decoder ring for your writing but hopefully I got enough of the point to answer.
I think issues with old friends are something we can all relate too.
You boy had a bad trip and acted like a fucking moron. This is par for the course as some people just don’t do drugs well. That said, I get the feeling that his behavior is an issue outside of just when he’s on drugs…or , if not, he’s got issues with drugs and sucks when he’s on them. Regardless, he sounds like he’s got problems.
I’ve found, with friends like this, that there’s a happy medium to what kind of friendship you have with them. I’ve got friends like this and they’re all still in my life but kept at a distance. There are certain things I simply don’t do with them. I only invite them out when it’s group thing and I’m not responsible for them. I most certainly wouldn’t invite them to anything that was based around getting really fucked up. I’d suggest rocking with this and if problems persist, you may just have to cut that dude off. As we get older, people are often on very different pages. Some get real jobs, some have kids, some keep acting like they did when they were 18. those things are not always gonna be in sync so, sometimes, you gotta just let an old friend go and chalk it up to the years coming between you. You can still run into them on the street and chop it up (this doesn’t need to be dramatic like an intervention) but making a clear distance between you is the best idea.
But most of all, when dealing with people who can’t do drugs well or have issues when they’re drunk, I find the “backing away slowly” method to be best. In both the literal and figurative sense.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 29


Hello everyone. It’s time once again for me to dole out some of that good old advice about life and love. I’m not a doctor and I dropped out of school my freshman year of college but I sure as hell give better advice than your stupid homeboy/girl who’s trying to salvage your frail ego.
So, if you feel the need for some help from a third party with no stake in anything other than being honest, holler at your boy. Email me questions at:
phatfriendblog@gmail.com
or leave them in the comment section below. There are always anonymous so it’s a safe place to totally reveal you most deepest and darkest secrets to the internet.
Alrighty, lets get into it…

Hey Tony,

So you seem very wise and mature in the dating realm, and thus I am reaching out to you with my boy problems. I started dating this guy a little over a month ago, and things seemed to be going really well. We decided since we were both going to be traveling the next few months that we wouldn’t be exclusive. I was cool with this, and things continued to go pretty smoothly. He went out of town and we texted a lot. When he came back we ended up having sex, and things seemed fine afterwards. He texted me the next day, and the day after that I asked him if he’d want to hang out. He said he had plans but he’d let me know. I didn’t hear from him between the next few days before my flight, even though he knew I was leaving for six weeks. The night before I left I texted him seeing what was up. Later on in our conversation he apologized for not having seen me before I left, and I said that I wished he would’ve said something earlier since it had kind of confused me. He apologized and said he wasn’t trying to mindfuck me and the conversation kinda ended with me just saying things were fine. The next morning he texted me again saying he didn’t feel good about the way we left things and asked me if I could talk. We weren’t able to meet up so we just ended up texting. He said he didn’t want me to think he had bad intentions and that he wanted to stay in touch while I was gone and that he hoped I wasn’t too upset. I basically responded saying that everything was okay, I just wasn’t sure where we stood after we had sex, since he had kind of lost touch and didn’t try to see me before I left. Basically, we left things on good terms, but I haven’t heard from him in a couple of days now. My questions, are then, I guess, what is your interpretation on this whole situation Block? Am I blowing things out of proportion? Was I expecting too much after a month of dating? Is he an asshole? Busy? A busy asshole?

He sounds to me like he doesn’t really know what to do with himself. There’s something about a non-commital relationship that can be confusing to a man. Cause, in a way, you’re giving him a free pass. He gets to be both single and have you at the same time. So, basically, he’s single. I’m not saying he was out fucking a different girl every night or even fucking any other girls but that freedom he was allowed can turn something that might be a little more black and white into a grey area.
Now, he certainly just could have been busy the entire time but I’m of the school of thought that, if you wanna see someone, you can always make time. Unless he’s working 90 hour work weeks and lives far away, it should never be impossible to connect with someone you want to see. Hell, I’ve seen people who work those kind of hours still make time for people.
So, this leads me to believe the guy you were/are dealing with simply is/was unsure of the whole thing. Possibly cause he knew there was a cap on it, with you leaving. It’s possible he really did/does like you but didn’t want to get too involved cause he knew you were not sticking around. personally, when i was ever in a situation like that, I’d liken to it as a godsend cause it was like you could just have all the good parts of a relationship then the person would go away before shit got annoying. Granted, I was an asshole when I was single. Still, this guy pulling back as opposed to not just having as much sex as possible with you before you leave actually leads me to think he’s not an asshole. He’s probably more sensitive and aware of his feelings. Or he was fucking tons of other girls. I suppose we’ll never know, will we?

What are you thoughts on texting vs. calling girls? I’ve had a few instances recently when girls have taken hours or days to respond to a text and there end up being a lot of mixed signals. Isn’t texting kind of a step back technologically? I find a lot of the confusion that arises during a text conversation could be cleared up by a quick phone call. Should young people try picking up the damn phone for once instead of using it like a telegram?

Texting is a gift and a curse.
On the bright side, it’s revolutionized flirting and how people interact in general. I often lament about how I wish texting was a thing when I was in high school cause I’m way better at typing than I am at speaking which would have led to an exponential growth in my teenaged sex life.
However, for the reasons you mentioned and more , texting is probably the worst thing to happen to human interaction in our lifetime. It’s gotten to the point where people are appalled when they get a phone call. I’ve got friends who ONLY respond to texts. I get it though. I HATE talking on the phone. There are like 4 people I enjoy talking to on the phone and they all live in other cities. But , sometimes, people just have to suck it up and make a phone call. There are some situations that can’t be conveyed properly with the short handed written word. I can’t tell you the amount of times relationships have been hurt by people misunderstanding texts or people who text in a certain way tactlessly infuriating people without even knowing it. The problem with texting all the time , when dealing with the opposite sex, is that not everyone is good with words. Some people are downright retarded. Whether it be that they can’t convey a clear thought or they just have a particular tone to how they write that confuses people…some people just need to stop all that and pick up a fucking phone so they can eliminate any confusion. Especially if you’re having a serious talk. No one should break up over texts. Booty call terminations maybe…but nothing deeper than that.
Sadly, I fear this is only gonna get worse and I foresee a time in the future where people will cease talking altogether. We will just sit around dinner tables instant messaging the other people at the table. Eye contact will only be made right before they share a first kiss but will soon be followed two people having sex while sexting and sending each other text photos of the very sex they are having at that moment. A world destroying astroid can’t come soon enough.

My gf and I have been dating for two years, there was a period that I went off the deep end with the booze and drugs and lost a considerable amount of her trust. She started second guessing anything I did with other friends (male and female especially) or where and how I would spend my free time. We’ve managed to patch up most of the issues we had since I got sober (go figure) about 6 months ago. Now we joke, at times, about how paranoid she was and some of the sketchy shit I did to get her to that point. She was recently contacted by her ex-boyfriend (“The asshole with a small penis” she calls him) and decided to go out with him to catch up over drinks.When she told me I said “Okaaay? Well have fun but If he’s such an asshole,why spend more time with him?” I’m not really the jealous/insecure type but I find it rather odd that she would do this. Maybe it’s just foreign to me because I’ve never maintained a relationship after a breakup aside from the occasional hate sex booty call.She said that they got along fine as friends and she just wants to see how he’s been.She’s very faithful and is completely trustworthy but I could use an outsider’s opinion on what her motivation might be.

I don’t think it’s a big deal. I have ex-girlfriends I’m still cool with who i would have a meal with devoid of any foul intentions. Granted, I wouldn’t be super psyched to do it but it also wouldn’t be the end of the world. I think part of people doing these sorts of things is a basic curiosity we have about the people in our past. Sure, some people will do these kinda things with a faint flicker in the back of their minds that , maybe, there’s some thing still there. But I’d guess that, in general, it’s just like two old friends meeting up.
I do find it odd that she would even want to see this guy she openly dissed to you but, then again, her calling her ex “the little dick asshole” might just be something she did just to make you feel more secure about her past relationships. For all you know, he was the love of her life and his dick looked like a baguette. I mean, she dated him and is willing to see him again, how big an asshole could he have been?
regardless, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Just keep an eye on her that night and if she starts acting distant or weird the following days after that, then get suspicious. Also, if she comes home complaining about him in a petty way…like a girl who was perhaps dissed or is butt hurt, that’s a tiny red flag that he might still have some sort of grip on her. I say this cause, if she was truly over it, she probably wouldn’t give a shit.

I have only slept with my wife. Growing up, I was a total “sucker for love” kind of dude (mostly due to being strictly raised Catholic… thanks for that, parents!). Instead of realizing I was young and should have been smashing whoever I could, I was in a bunch of long-term relationships and full-on sex just didn’t really happen except with my wife. We dated on and off and she slept with other people because she was smart and took advantage of being a virile youth. We got back together eventually and things were awesome, so we got hitched.

While I still want to use a time machine and go slap the shit out of my younger self for being a total pussy, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m probably only going to sleep with my wife for the rest of my life, and my relationship with her (and the sex) is cool enough for me to be OK with that. I knew this would be the reality before I decided to marry her. However, I am obviously still attracted to other girls. No plans to act on it at all (not going to screw up my good life now to get back at my idiot younger self), but I have a question:

You’re a dude who seems to have done OK with a variety of different girls and you’re in what I assume to be a monogamous long-term relationship. Do you still have a big urge to bone a huge number of girls, or is that something that you’ve gotten out of your system? I guess I’m just trying to figure out what is human nature vs. regrets about wasted youth.

Hey dude, guess what? IT NEVER GOES AWAY. I don’t think there is a man alive who thinks “Well, I’m totally satisfied with my sex life prior to my wife!”. As men, our lives are shrouded in regret about sex we should have had. That goes from the guy who only slept with his wife (AKA YOU) to Hugh Hefner. It’s simply an unavoidable fact. I had a fun time as single person. I look back on it fondly but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I had been even more active than I was. While that thought might make my girlfriend want to vomit blood it’s simply how we, as men, are wired. Hell, I’m sure girls feel the same way. Just not as grossly as men. A dude will sit around pondering the night he opted to not fuck some low life girl he met at a bar who probably had hepatitis Z with great regret simply cause we feel we may have missed out on an experience. It’s just how we are as hunters and gatherers. That doesn’t only apply to food and life necessities. It applies to memories and ego fuel.
So, yeah man, it’s not just you. It’s everyone. Rest easy that, even if you had fucked tons of girls as a single guy, you’d still be ogling that girl that works at starbucks like a creep and wondering what her underwear looks like. It’s human nature AND regrets. They go hand in hand.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 28


Back again with that sage advice you all desire, with half the calories and logic.
I’m not a professional but I am honest and I do enjoy hearing about other peoples problems. So, if you have a problem of the heart that you need some advice on, I’m your guy. I won’t fix you, but I’ll at least give you some perspective from a person who doesn’t know you or really care about you.
If this type of thing interests you, send me your questions. Email me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave the question in the comment section below. Both ways work wonderfully.
This weeks batch has a few abstract/basic questions. But it wouldn’t be an “ask Dr. Tony” without at least one meandering novella. I guess you could say, this week HAS IT ALL!

Block,

I could really use some help with my love life. I’m 18 and I’m about to enlist in the Army. I broke up with a girl that was 16 about five months ago (I’m still a virgin). This girl and I don’t have very much in common; I like your music, alt rock, classic hip hop, she likes One Direction and Daddy Yankee. She reads People magazine, I read Ernest Hemingway and Nietzsche. Only thing is, she still likes me in “that way” (DTF), she’s probably a good 8.5/10, and I’m a pretty shy guy.

My question is this: should I keep writing to this girl, wait two years, be good to go on leave and run the risk of being a manipulative bastard and enormous regret? Or should I just call it off once and for all and run the risk of being a virgin until I go to college at 22/losing my V-card in a seedy Korean strip club?

I kinda get the feeling , no matter what you do, this one is out of your hands. You’re going away for two years. She’s a hot young girl who probably twerks on youtube to Daddy Yankee. I’m pretty sure she’s not gonna wait around for you. I’d maybe see a point if you had a connection or even liked her (which it doesn’t sound like you do) but, even then, you’re far too young to be holding on to something this frail.
You virginity will eventually be no more and , though I understand the desire to want to get that out of the way, putting all your eggs in her basket is just setting yourself up for a disaster. You might come back from duty to see her pregnant for all you know. And you are not the father, bro,
That said, there’s nothing wrong with staying in touch. You never know. It could pan out and you might one day, in fact, hit it. But do not put an iota of emotional worth into it. Just keep reminding yourself that while you’re out there serving the country, she’s very likely blowing some dude who bar tends at a TGIFridays or works at an auto parts dealership.

Why do so many people seem to reserve the most unfeigned positions of their hearts for people who truly despise them?

Is this a Taylor swift lyric? Perhaps something Jared Leto once wrote? Whatever the case, abstract question, dude.
People just want to be accepted. As much as we all say “I don’t give a fuck”, sadly, most of us do. Deeply. So, when you meet someone that you can tell isn’t giving you the respect you deserve and/or are giving to them, one of two things happens.
1)You immediately hate that person and want to fight them/never talk to them again.
2)You cannot understand why this person doesn’t love you, cause you’re so fucking lovable, and you go our of your way to try and make this person like you. Even though, this person could not care less.

In terms of applying this romance , the desire to be loved it strong. It’s the same reason a girl will sleep with some creep she met at a bar and “had a connection with” then make up all these false realities in her head about them, only to be devastated when he never calls her and/or forgets her name. Some people are just more willing to throw their heart into the ring. unfortunately for those people, they have a knack for finding people who are unavailable and have no interest in stepping into the ring in the first place.
Clearly, this question comes from a place of heartbreak (and possibly a girls journal with a tiny lock on it cause her brother keeps trying to read it to his friends). So, to this person, I say just hold your head. Whatever that guy/girl did to you is par for the course of life. There will be more of this as life goes on but it does get easier every time. Heartbreaks and 808’s, amirite? KANYE knows what’s up.

I just slept with my ex today. I’m not sure how to feel about it. One part guilt, one part kinda wondering about us together, and one part wanting to tell her to fuck off next time. I’m not one to sleep with a lot of girls. Honestly, I only ever do in a relationship. We had a pretty bad break up. She’s a good bit younger than me and in college. I’m out on my own, have a job, and I’m actually looking at going BACK to college. She grew up in one of those tiny small towns where people live next to their parents until the parents die. Then they move into their house. Doesn’t help that apparently she’s got a reputation of being really immature for her age too…did I mention my mother taught her in high school?

Anyway, she liked to do things like blow up a small fight into something big. She would actually pretend to not be able to hear me and just close her eyes in the middle if she decided she was fed up. Hell, she even flat out punched me a few times which she, amazingly, thought was fine. Actually, she once told me that all of the blow ups were fine. Lot’s of really juvenile crap like that. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly had my screw ups during the relationship and it doesn’t help that I went through what might be the worst bout of depression in my life. It’s definitely not all on her. The last time she hit me, I hit a cinderblock wall and left big crack in it. I also had to have surgery on my hand. Obviously, I’ve done some stupid shit and no one is ever always right in a relationship. I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes and have owned up to them though. I actually feel a lot better about life in general since then.

Then we started talking about a week and a half ago. I’ve been straight with her that I don’t want to be in a relationship but, yeah, I definitely miss some things about the relationship and have some unresolved feelings about the whole thing. She says it’s all physical, then I get used as an emotional tampon or she calls me multiple times a day just to talk. Plus she throws herself at me. It’s like a bizarro version of the friend zone. My guess is she’s not really sure how to handle her own feelings. I believe she doesn’t want a relationship…mostly because she’s got some really big hangups about the past. I do too. That’s where the guilt comes in. I am older, and frankly I was fine without talking to her. I almost feel like I’m just doing more damage to her by continuing to respond and then sleeping with her today. The wondering about the relationship comes in because, if things have changed on her side as well, it could be a pretty awesome thing. We always clicked. The wanting to tell her to fuck off comes from the fact that she’s already gotten pissy about two things. One of which was minor and the other had absolutely nothing to do with me. She did apologize for being a jerk. Plus, it seems like she can’t just be straight with about what’s up and still has trouble seeing some of the jacked up stuff she did. Part of me says that I should keep this on the side to see how it turns out. Then another says I’m just being a dick to her and I don’t need that crap in my life to begin with.

I’m a guy that genuinely likes long term relationships. Ideally I’ll find some girl that I’ll end up spending the rest of my life with. I don’t want to screw with someone and just make stuff worse for them either. You’re my only hope Dr. Tony! I’m also the only guy she’s ever slept with…or had a long relationship with…

First off “The last time she hit me, I hit a cinderblock wall and left big crack in it.”
Bro, you the incredible hulk? You cracked a cinder block? Jesus fucking christ.

This is an easy one that I think you knew the answer to before you even finished writing the question, So, if you need my validation, I can do that.
RUN. GET AWAY FROM HER.
Not cause she’s a crazy person. Not cause you’re in danger. Do it cause she is not the girl for you.
“We always clicked.”
The only thing that sound like it clicked was your lego like penis into her vagina.
You relationship and her sound like a nightmare. Sure, the sex now is nice but, as you said, you’re not really bout that casual sex life. I think, because of this, it will be easy for you to get caught up in it and eventually end up back with her. Granted, this would last a week and eventually shit the bed terribly because you two have no business being together.
“I don’t need that crap in my life to begin with.”
If this is a thought that goes through your head and you are a “one day i will meet the girl of my dreams and settle down” kinda dude, then that’s all you need to know.
But, beyond all the flares you sent up that your head isn’t in this, I tend to think that couples who are based in explosive fights are doomed from the get go. When it all is said and done, if you’re gonna be with someone , getting along with them like a civil adult is your priority. Some people feed off drama and , while it may fuel some awesome and hateful fuck sessions, that shit can only last but so long. Think of it this way: You’ve been with her. You know how that goes. No amount of maturing is gonna change her THAT much. Maybe a lobotomy but I’m assuming that’s off the table.
So, cut your losses and bow out as gracefully as you can. she will be sad and mad but it’s for the betterment of the entire rest of your life.

Dear blockhead,

My mother in law hates me and she is a doo doo head

I need advice on how not to blow up at her

I think the golden rule of dealing with in-laws is just that…deal with it. Perhaps it’s because I’m a fairly emotionless person but I don’t find it difficult to totally disconnect from these kind of issues.
You’re only job is to treat their daughter right and be polite. If that’s not enough for them, fuck’em. Still, you gotta be polite though. Just let whatever bullshit they throw your way roll off you cause, in reality, who cares what these people think? They aren’t your parents. Look at them as two (assuming they’re both alive) people you have to deal with a few times a year. Smile, nod, make small talk, tell them what they want to hear and that’s it. They throw shade at you, just take it. Cause, like I said, WHO CARES WHAT THEY THINK. Sometimes you gotta eat a little shit just to keep things civil. Let your wife worry about all that shit. It’s her crappy family, not yours.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol 27


Hello again!
The Dr. is once again in and this week is a special “all questions from ladies” edition. I didn’t plan it like that but, apparently, hoes got questions this week.
If you’re new to this column, it’s pretty simple. Readers send me questions about their shitty love lives and I try my best to give them an honest perspective. No point in me lying. I don’t know you people and have absolutely no stake in your lives. So, this is all unfiltered advice from a man with no background in anything remotely clinical.
If this sounds like something you might be interested in , please email me any questions of the heart you may have. Send them to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. It’s all anonymous so don’t hold back. Also, I’m running low on questions so, if you like this column, send me more. I can’t do this without questions.
Anyway, here’s this week debacles.

Hey i just broke up with my lover becos of my weight issue everytime we walk togeather people make gest of us and due to this fact i broke up with him and without telling him the main reason why i did so and now my conscience is judging me wht do i do

First off, from one person with terrible spelling skills and even worse grammar to another , get it together. Did you write this while free falling from a crashing plane?
Secondly, calling someone your “lover” is just plain creepy. But, more than that, there is a difference between a “lover” and a boyfriend. If this person was literally just your lover, then I assume all you guys shared was something sexual. If that’s the case, you’re allowed to break that off whenever you want. In fact, sparing that person’s feelings by not saying “Hey fattie, I broke up with you fat ass cause your a fat fat ass!” is definitely a nice move. If this is a person you were actually involved with on a deeper level, while it may sting and paint you as a shallow piece of shit, a little honesty might be a good idea. Now keep in mind, this is me telling you to do that. I can’t say I’d actually do that myself cause, damn, that’s cold blooded. But on paper, it seems like the right thing to do.
But beyond all that vague advice I just gave, are you really gonna break up with someone cause of that other people think? I mean, if his fatness bothers you, then that’s one thing but if it’s the jokes made by strangers fueling your break up, who gives a shit? Also, do you like in an 80’s movie locker room or something? This dude would have to be EXTREMELY obese for people (strangers!) to feel comfortable enough to openly mock in public and, even then, who does that in 2013?
Maybe you like fat dudes? If so, I say enjoy it. I was talking to a friend the other day about how awesome it would be to have a fetish where you were attracted to people that other people might not typically be into. Like, to be into fat girls? Holy shit! I’d have my pick of the litter. And, beyond that, they’re generally nicer people than skinny people. But, unfortunately, genetics wired me (and most other people) differently. Oh well…maybe in another lifetime.

For the past year I haven’t had the best luck on the “dating” scene. Every guy I met either is a dick or I find something stupid wrong with them. For example: there was creepy dude with a rapist vibe who yelled at our waitress, the military guy who left me in a fucking corner for four hours while he went off with his friends on our date, and the guy who secretly had a boyfriend when he got with me. Not girlfriend, boyfriend. Wtf. On the flipside, the guys who are really into me I end up thinking they’re too feminine, slightly too old, are a little too chubby, have hips like a woman, or some ridiculous shit like that. I’m at a point where I’m just like AHHHHH what is wrong with me! Is it weird to be picky like that and want someone who meets all the criteria I’d like? Or do you think that’s impossible? I honestly wish I was less superficial and would just go for the nice chubby guy for once. In fact, one recently asked me about and I enjoy talking to him but I’ve yet to agree to go out because I’m afraid the date will be awkward and I won’t be as attracted to him (I think he’s cute but I kinda psych myself out just waiting for a dude to have flaws). Plus, my friends are probably more superficial than I am and I’m afraid they wouldn’t approve. Yeah, fuck them. So, basically, I need an opinion if I should be less picky, or advice on how to be less picky so I can go for the guys who are actually nice to me. Or do I keep waiting for someone super hot and nice? Would you date someone that lacks in one area if they make up for it in another? I feel like I’m in such a dating slump. Dating sucks, but I’m past the point where I can just hook up with a guy and call it a day. Also, I know I have probably have some issues.

I’m afraid no person can force themselves to be less superficial. I mean, they can try…but at their core they’re always gonna feel like they’re settling. You are attracted to what you’re attracted to. I know a ton of girls who are in their 30’s and single right now , dating well below their standards cause they’re trying to give it all a chance. While that’s valiant of them, I also think it’s leading them towards being unhappy cause they will most likely settle for the wrong dude. I suppose , for many women, the fear of being alone is way scarier than the fear of being with the wrong guy. Which is crazy but, hey, do you ladies.
While part of this is high standards (or petty grievances) I gotta think there is an element of you putting walls up. I dunno what happened to you in the past (if you’ve been routinely fucked over, cheated on or your dad was an asshole) but it’s not uncommon for people who’ve been through that kinda shit to put up a forcefield.
That or you have a fucked up radar that only makes you attracted to shitheads , unavailable men and lunatics. You wouldn’t be the first girl with that problem.
Another thing that you might wanna take stock in is yourself. Are you hot? Really? People always talk about having high standards but I feel like the often overlook their own pay grade. Maybe you’re dating mediocre looking guys cause you are in fact also mediocre. I’m not firing shots at you specifically (as I don’t know you or what you look like) but part of dating is having grasp of your range. When i was single, I knew there were girls that were out of my league. So, I didn’t bother with them. I have a feeling this is more of a guy problem than a girl problem though so it may be off base a little. Still, I’ve seen some 3’s turndown handsome charming guys on some “As if!” shit and it blows my mind. Basically, all I’m saying is a little honest self awareness never hurt anyone.

Blockhead! It’s the year 2013 and i’m a 21 year old virgin. Should I be proud? ashamed? I’m not ugly nor the “saving myself until marriage” type of girl.. Just waiting till I meet a guy I actually wouldn’t mind having sex with.
What are your thoughts on virgins nowadays?
Is there an age limit where it’s like “Holy shit just get it over with already!” ?
What’s the difference between male/female virgins?
Have any friends who are still virgins?

I don’t think you should be proud or ashamed. Holding on to your virginity for non-religious reasons is one of those things that I tend to think the person doing it makes too big a deal about. It either becomes a badge of honor or a scarlet letter (but a scarlet letter of purity shame). In both cases, I personally think it’s stupid. You wanna wait to meet the person of your dreams before you have sex? Good for you. Good luck. Just understand that , when it comes down to it, sex isn’t THAT important. Sure, it’s how we as a human race continue but it’s also something fun that people do for no reason. It’s like eating fine food. We don’t have to do it and we don’t need it…we could eat millet all day and drink enriched yogurt paste to survive. But, instead, every now and then, you want something that you enjoy.
I might also add that there’s a good chance that the guy you give it away to won’t be the guy you end up with. And for your sake, I hope not cause , if you enjoy sex, you’re gonna wanna try it with multiple people.
I’m not saying go out and fuck the first guy who buys you a drink but don’t hold on to your virginity just cause of some fairy tale ideals you’ve created. When your comfortable with the idea, have sex. It’s pretty simple. And, it’s the type of thing that once you are enjoying , you’ll wonder why you ever waited past 10th grade. This was all advice given to you by a person who does not have a daughter, clearly. If i did , this entire answer would be “Stay a virgin forever! daddy loves you!”.
As for the other questions, 21 isn’t that old to still be a virgin. I’d say things get dicey for women towards the late 20’s. If I meet a normal girl who is a virgin and 28 years old, I assume she’s got issues. As for men, If you haven’t fucked by 25, there is either something wrong with you or you’re really not trying. I say this cause , as men, we (for the most part) actively pursue sex. Sure, there are going to be plenty of older male virgins who read this who are wildly offended and will say shit like “Sex isn’t this or that…blah blah blah” but know that those dudes are either simply not into the idea of sex at all or scared of vagina. Also, a 35 year old male virgin talking about sex like he knows what’s going on is one of the sadder things you will encounter. That said, I guarantee someone will be butthurt about this in the comments section of this post. Also know that while they certainly do exist, they are not the majority. Sorry guys. You aren’t. But, by all means, go on living that life if it makes you happy. Don’t have sex on my account.
And, no, I don’t have any friends who are virgins. I’m 36. That would be fucking weird.

A few weeks ago I went out with my friend just for one drink but then, surprise surprise, we ended up going to a night club. Anyway I was a bit drunk, but not too much. I was dancing on the dance floor and then this guy came up and started dancing with me. I didn’t even see what he looked like but kept on dancing. Then I guess I went for a cigarette and left the guy there. At one point of the evening I spontaneously hugged some one from behind on the bar counter and it turned out it was the same guy I had been dancing with. We talked for a while but then I decided it was time for me to go home. We hadn’t even introduced ourselves to each others, but then the next morning I got a text message and it was from him. So he had unraveled my name and number. We agreed that he would come pick me up and we would go to the seaside. We ended up spending five hours together and then he returned me to my home. After a half an hour he sent me a message to tell me good night. The next three days he texted me every evening to ask me how my day had been and stuff. On the fourth day we were both out drinking with our own friends and the he came to the same bar where I was, just because he wanted to see me. We exchanged our first kiss on that evening and had a good time and left at the same time. Then he asked me if I wanted to come spend the night with him. I hesitated for a while and told him that I was afraid of just being a bandaid (he has broken up with his girlfriend after two years about a month ago, at that time it had been just two to three weeks) and he told me it’s nothing like that. I also told him that I didn’t want it to be all about sex, so he said it didn’t have to and that he just wanted to spend the night with me, it didn’t matter if we had sex or not. He had been living together with this ex girlfriend and after the break up he went back to living with his parents. I didn’t want to see his parents in the morning and told him so, so he asked me if I wanted to go to their cottage. It was fine by me so we took a cab and went there. Things got pretty hot when we went to bed and you know.. I had a really good time with him and he told me he likes me. The first time he said it I just answered that it was nice to hear it. Then the other time he said: “seriously, I really like you” and then I said it back to him. I was really happy ’cause it has been a loooong time since someone has told me that. The next morning we walked to his house (it was about 1,5 miles away from their cottage) to get the car and he drove me back to my house. After a couple of hours he sent me a text asking if my parents had asked me about where I had been for the night and stuff. We texted the whole day but the next day I didn’t hear anything from him before I asked him where he was (we were both drinking with our friends again). Then my friends and I went to the same night club I had met him for the first time and he was there too. I saw him and said hi but he was acting like he didn’t even notice me. I got really sad and angry because well, I thought he had got what he wanted from me and I didn’t matter anymore. Then at some point of the evening we went for a cigarette and I asked him why he was acting like that. He didn’t seem to think he had done something wrong (he was quite drunk) and then I decided not to care and to go get wasted too. I didn’t see him after that except for when it was time to leave and I was hanging outside the bar with my friends. I went to talk to him again and then we decided to go get some food and he came over at my place. We ended up having sex again. I asked him to leave before my parents woke up and he left at 7:30 AM. The next day we met again and went for a ride outside the town. We didn’t really talk about what had happened last night and it kind of bothered me but I thought it was better not to talk about it, I really don’t know why.. Since then he hasn’t texted me on his own initiative, only to answer my texts. I called him once last week to ask him what he was doing but he said he is very busy with his work for a few days and we agreed that he would call me when he had time for me. For the weekend I was out of town but he called me on saturday/sunday night. We were both drunk then and he asked me where I was, I told him I was out of town and he asked me if I would call him when I was back in town. Since I hadn’t heard of him at all for a few days I told him I didn’t know if I wanted to call him at all anymore and he sounded really angry ’cause I said so and hung up the phone. For a few minutes I was like “what have I done, I don’t want this to end like this” and decided to call him. He answered and we started talking. I told him that I hadn’t expected anything of him, since he had broken up lately but that I was a bit confused ’cause he hadn’t been in touch with me anymore since he had been texting me every evening before that. He told me that he really has been busy with his work and that he hasn’t had time for anything else than his work. He also told me that he had been thinking about me and thinking about texting me but he didn’t know why he hadn’t. He said he is not fully recovered from the break up yet but that he still likes me. I told him that my biggest concern is if he has some other girls in the picture at the same time and he told me that he hasn’t been seeing anyone else than me. I have trust issues since the last time I went out with somebody, we had agreed not to date anyone else but he had betrayed me and dated several other girls on the side. I told him that too. It’s really sad that I can’t trust this guy because he hasn’t done anything for me not to trust him but still… I told him my feelings and that we didn’t have any rush and could take things slow and see each others like just once a week. We wouldn’t have to mix our friends or anything and the only thing we would have together was the time we would spend with each others. We didn’t end up having a conclusion to the situation and now it’s been four days and I haven’t heard of him. I haven’t called him or texted him or anything, ’cause I thought I’d give him some time and space. I was thinking about texting him next week when it has been closer to two weeks of not hearing anything about him, unless he gets in touch with me. I’m just really confused and don’t know what’s going on here. I don’t think I’ve been doing anything really wrong here so please help me, is he just playing with me or what the hell? I don’t necessarily want to start a relationship with him or anything, but it would be nice to have someone in the picture. Just someone to casually hang out with. But just one. Should I just let this go or try to take it easy and see where it leads?

If you text anything like you write, perhaps his texting plan couldn’t handle a relationship with you? Just kidding (kind of).
To be honest, I think your original worrisome thought of “he just got out of a relationship” was spot on. It sounds to me like he doesn’t know what he really wants and , most likely, goes through different mind sets on a weekly basis. He knows he wants to have sex with you…but he also just got out of a relationship and you guys already talking about relationship-esque stuff is probably a big turn off. It’s without a doubt partially his fault that he’s in this position as he was the one sending sweet texts and willing to take it relatively slow. You were really just following his lead. but, to be blunt, he was also trying to close the deal with a new girl for the first time since a long break up. It’s possible he doesn’t know how to be a gentlemanly scum bag yet.
My guess is that all he wants is simplicity. No arguments. No talks about “us”. Just something fun and casual. That’s all any guy who just got out of a relationship wants. I doubt he’s looking for a new girlfriend this soon (though, it wouldn’t be unheard of). So, he most likely just felt the need to create some space between you too to temper any grand ideas you might have concerning your relationships future. I’m not sure if that means he’s put a cap on how far the relationship could go or if he just actually needs time but, whatever it is, I’d say it’s safe to just leave the keys in his hands. If he calls, react accordingly. If he doesn’t, fuck him (not literally). But, more than anything, if this is not what you want, remove yourself from the equation. It’s way too early to be getting upset with a guy when you’re not even in a committed relationship. You’ve got nothing to lose by simply asking him straight up where you stand with each other.